Original subtitles

What?

What? What? What? What is it?

Your ex-wife called.

Jesus Christ, Melkis, you scared me to death.

Your ex-wife called.

We're still married, Melkis.

We're just separated, she's... she's still my wife.

I get it!

Melkis, Melkis!

Find out who it is before you buzz them in.

It's Melkis.

Perfect.

Judith.

Hello, Mrs. Tupper. How is baby?

Hello, Melkis. Baby is 10.

I go dust. No, Melkis, you go home.

I go dust!

Okay, what did I do?

What did you do? I must have done something.

This is Thursday, Thursday's not a Jeremy day.

I mean, why else would you be here?

I just... No, no, wait, wait,

please, please, don't start yelling.

Whatever it is, you're right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry.

I'm such an asshole.

You didn't do anything.

Really?

Great.

Just let all that count for next time.

Martin, we need to talk.

Oh.

It's about us.

Really? Us?

Us-us?

I don't know how to say this.

Oh.

I think I know where this is going.

Oh, you do?

I'm in love with you.

I don't hide it very well, do I, darling?

I want what you want.

I want to come back.

I want to be your wife.

You know, our divorce papers have been final

for quite some time, and all that's missing

is your signature.

Oh.

Would you like some coffee? No, thank you.

How about some moo shu? I mean, there's more than I can eat here.

I'm fine. Dumpling?

Nope. Fortune cookie?

Martin, I want you to sign those papers.

I... I just need a little more time, that's all.

You've had two years.

So why now? I mean, why?

What... what's the big rush?

I want to marry Richard.

Who?

Richard, the man I live with.

Oh.

He's the doctor, right? Oh, come on, Martin.

Don't do this.

I'm not doing anything.

I just wonder if you're not rushing into things.

Marriage is a very serious thing.

It means a home, family, children.

Who is rushing? No.

I am not going to let you make me crazy.

I'm not trying to make you crazy. Now, just think about it.

How much do we know about this Richard guy?

I know that he's caring.

He's sensitive. He's sane.

I know that I love him.

I know that he's wonderful with Jeremy.

One... two...

three...

I know this is difficult for you,

but I want those papers signed by next week.

Next week may not be good for me.

Martin, this isn't just for me.

It's time you got on with your own life.

Okay, the book is called Babette, A Prisoner of Passion.

Now, for the back jacket copy, we're looking for something

like, uh,

"Babette, the world was her bedroom."

From the beaches of San Tropez

to the boardrooms of Manhattan's super rich.

From the back streets of Florence

to the pyramids of Cairo.

"Babette, she was a woman who couldn't stay put."

No, I think you're gonna like this one, Jack.

I counted 11 orgasms before she leaves Sacramento.

Yes. Yes.

Okay, but let me check with Toby.

Yeah, Toby, Toby Pedalbee, my executive assistant.

It's my new secretary, Miss Pedalbee.

Well, what about her?

Well, she's just no good, that's all.

I don't mean she's no... She's a wonderful girl.

She's beautiful, she has a fine personality,

and I'm sure she'll make somebody an excellent wife.

Look, don't start with me.

The copy machine is out of toner,

the coffee maker is hemorrhaging,

and I think I'm getting an eye infection.

I don't mean to interrupt your personal hell,

but I was wondering if you might like to find me

the Zimmerman manuscript.

It's what I live for.

Thank you.

Look, I won't be here tomorrow.

I'm taking a personal day.

A personal day? Is everything all right?

It's personal!

Martin Tupper.

Martin, it's Judith.

I... I wanted to make one more try.

Take me back. Take me back.

Darling.

Richard and I want to talk

to caterers tonight about the wedding.

So I was wondering if you could take Jeremy for a couple of hours?

Sure.

Does this mean you've set a date?

November 12th.

Oh, well...

That's like, 14 months away.

Two months, Martin. Two months.

One second, Judith.

Yes, Toby?

Nick Koutrakis was the only man

I ever really loved.

I'm sorry? I was 22.

We both worked at Macy's.

He sold men's suits. I was in Complaints.

Judith, I'm gonna have to call you back, you...

My executive assistant's having an emotional moment.

We dated for three weeks.

The three most wonderful weeks of my life.

Then one day we had a fight. It was over nothing. A bagel.

But in the course of things, I broke his nose.

You broke his nose?

I had a lot of anger then.

Really?

We never spoke after that.

I don't know, I kept waiting for him to come back to me.

Six months later, he married some bitch in Men's Underwear.

Martin, if you really want this lady,

go after her!

Otherwise, quit jerking off.

Hey, buddy, give me that hug.

Hey, Dad. How you doing?

You look great.

I do?

Something's different. What's different?

You cut your hair.

Yeah, about a year ago.

Oh. Well, it's grown in nicely. Well, thank you.

Hey, Geronimo, you gotta help me out.

I'm ready to throw my computer out the window.

Death Wizards? I'm completely stuck.

I have my sword, I have my scepter.

I have both my brains, but I can't figure out

how to get the magic mirror away from the evil princess.

I'll see what I can do. See you later, Mom.

Bye.

Where you going? Well, now, come back here.

Can you stay a minute?

Just.

Malted milk ball?

Oh, God, you know I can't resist these.

Yep.

But why are they here? You hate malted milk balls.

No, no, no, I don't hate them.

I just feel bad for all the little malted milk men.

Bullshit. They used to make you gag.

People change.

I found something I wanted to show you.

What is this stuff?

Oh, just some misty, water-colored memories.

These are from that ski trip we took to Vermont.

Oh, the two pine cones.

I can't believe you saved these.

Oh, and here's the snow.

Oh, yeah.

We had some real good times, didn't we?

Yeah. I guess we did.

Thank you for being my wife.

You know, I'd like a kiss.

I don't see why we can't have pine cone days

and "Feliz Navidad" nights again.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute here.

Is that what this is all about?

Is what what all about?

The... the pine cones and malted milk balls.

I mean... Oh, my God. You're wooing me.

P... perhaps just a little.

Martin, you can't honestly believe there's any shred

of hope that you and I are getting back together again.

Can I take that as a "maybe"?

I won't even honor that with a reply.

Wait, wait, wait, don't go.

Remember that little ceramic calf, huh?

Martin, you have lost your mind.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Remember these seashells from some trip

to some beach somewhere?

I'll see you at 9:30.

Wait, wait, wait! Here's the funny hat.

Please, miss, don't go.

Goodbye.

You love that bit.

So tell me about this Richard guy. You guys get along?

Yeah, we get along real great.

But I bet you don't see him a lot, right?

With him at the hospital all the time.

And the shelter for the homeless.

He volunteers at a shelter?

Well, he kind of runs it.

Of course he does.

Then you don't see him a lot.

No, he's home pretty much.

He just, um, budgets his time.

So, what's he like?

Is he kind of serious, huh?

Likes to talk about disease and poverty?

No, Dad, we have a lot of fun.

He plays the guitar, and this Saturday he wants to take us to a Mets game.

Oh.

Didn't he ever consider the fact that this Saturday is our day, hmm?

Yeah, and he wants to take us, you and me.

Unless, of course, you don't feel comfortable with that.

In which case he said he'd be glad to give you the tickets.

Who is this guy?

He has turned water into wine.

He has cured the sick, caused the blind to see

and the deaf to hear.

Geronimo, I want to talk to you

about your mom and Richard getting married.

Oh, so you want to have one of those father and son things?

Well, yeah.

If it's okay with you.

Sure. Go ahead. What do you want to know?

Well, I just want to know how you feel about it.

I feel fine, Dad.

Buddy.

You don't have to be brave with me.

You know, this isn't just about them getting married.

It's also about your mom and me getting...

divorced.

Do you understand what that would mean?

Dad, look.

"Divorced" is a very scary word.

But don't forget,

although things are going to be different,

you're still my dad, and I still love you.

And we're going to get through this.

It's the Eddie Charles Show.

And now here's your host, Eddie Charles.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you all.

I'm Eddie Charles.

Our guests today include Sylvia Andrews,

a patent attorney from Baltimore, Maryland.

Andrea Kelly, a divorce lawyer from Dayton, Ohio.

Lydia Pinsky, a trial attorney from right here in Manhattan,

and Ben Gogan, one of the top litigators in the country.

Today, we explore the strange and exciting world

of lawyers in lingerie.

Let's start with Sylvia.

Sylvia... why lingerie?

Well, I can't speak for my colleagues here,

but for me, Eddie, I think it actually started back in law school.

I was sitting in a torts class and Professor Rothman...

O'Neill versus the Commonwealth of Virginia

was a landmark case, and I had on a drop-waist

powder blue nightgown under my suit.

And, uh, as I was making my closing argument,

I looked down and I noticed that a bit of marabou

was sticking out from under my pant leg.

So I made it... Ben, fantastic.

I'm sorry I have to cut you off.

But that's all the time we have left today.

I want to thank all my guests,

and for those attorneys out there

who share their secret shame,

there are no support groups, there are no 800 numbers.

But we hope that after today,

you will realize you're not alone.

Take care, everyone!

Eddie! Psst! Hey!

Martin, I have known you for 25 years,

and that is the dumbest idea you've ever had.

Wait a minute. What's wrong with Judith?

She's... she's wonderful.

Not as your wife, let's face it.

It didn't work out. You guys grew apart.

These things happen. Not that you would know.

You've never had a relationship that lasted longer than a breath mint.

That's fine. Lash out at me all you need.

I can take it.

I'm adored by millions.

But that's not gonna change the fact

that after a couple of years, your marriage turned to shit.

You used to talk to me.

We'd sit for hours and talk and talk.

Whenever we went out dining, we'd talk.

Now you never say anything to me anymore.

I'm listening, dear. You can talk to me.

Come on. Things were never that bad.

Amnesia. You're suffering from amnesia.

Just throw it away.

Come on, is this really necessary?

Yes. Just step on the pedal.

Tell yourself, "I'm being a dick.

The woman is history."

And throw it away.

You know, there was this moment

when we reached the top of the mountain.

That's a really interesting anecdote.

Drop the snow.

Now you see, was that so hard?

Okay, okay, okay.

Now you know what you've got to do.

Pull out my eye?

You gotta start dating again.

Dating?

Dating?

No. No!

Melkis.

Melkis!

Almost done. No, no. All done.

I'll see you next Thursday. Wednesday.

All right.

What? What?

Lauren? Martin.

Hi.

Hi.

Come on in. Thank you.

Let me take your coat there.

Mm.

Something smells good. Oh, thank you.

Oh, you must have been cooking all day.

Oh, I just whipped up a little Caesar salad,

and some fettuccini marinara.

Ooh.

It's a receipt.

It's an old family secret.

My grandmother uses them instead of bay leaves.

Wine? Thanks.

You know, Eddie didn't give me

any idea you were this attractive.

Oh.

Well, I'm not really his type.

Let me make a phone call.

Be my guest.

Hi, honey, guess what?

It's gonna be another one of those endless nights at the office.

I'm sorry.

No, don't wait up.

I don't know how late I'm going to be here.

Yeah, just set that anywhere, Carol, and get me the Benjamin file.

Mm-hmm, yeah. Me too.

See you in the morning.

So, where were we?

Your... brother?

No.

Boyfriend?

No.

Husband?

Is that gonna be a problem?

All right, how long's it been going on?

Two months.

Is this the end, or the beginning of something bigger?

We love each other.

Traditionally,

it's the man who does the talking.

I am so sorry, I don't know how I could have forgotten about this dentist appointment.

I would cancel, of course,

but oral hygiene is so important, don't you think?

Bye-bye. My best to the mister.

I'm really impressed.

I've never met a man who rolls his own sushi before.

Listen, I have to ask you a question.

Shoot. Are you gonna fuck me over?

Why? Did you hear that I might?

Well, I just need to know, 'cause I'm not gonna invest

the next three months of my life only to find out

you're just getting back at your ex-wife

or you're incapable of making a commitment.

She seems to be a very unstable person.

You haven't, by chance, been hurt before?

That's uncanny.

You read me so well. See?

I could really fall for you in a big way.

And that thought terrifies me. Me too.

Pardon? More sushi?

I just need a man who's capable of loving me.

That's all.

Martin, are you that man?

People need to love each other.

You can't live without love.

James! No!

Oh, my God.

Six weeks to live? Are they sure?

Yes.

So if you're looking for a long-term relationship...

I'm afraid I'm not the guy for you.

This always happens to me.

Too tight? Tighter.

You know, I've never done anything like this before.

You're doing fine.

Eddie told me you were into some interesting stuff,

but I had no idea.

Are... are you sure about this?

Oh, yes.

Start at the toes.

You got it.

So, you're into real estate.

Don't talk. Right, right.

Sorry.

I'm a little concerned about the cholesterol.

Martin. Right.

Yes.

Ah, yes. Yes!

Yes!

I think we could use some pudding here.

Don't stop.

Hey. Are you all right? You look lousy.

Don't stop.

I'll be right back.

Martin?

Martin?

Martin?

Martin!

Martin, you have a simple upset stomach, that's all.

Here, take this.

Oh. You're fine.

I don't feel fine.

I'm gonna die.

Oh, Stevie, you're not gonna die.

I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try real hard.

Where's Jeremy? In the living room.

Look, Richard's waiting for me downstairs in the car.

Um, I just need those papers.

Right. They're over there on the table.

There's a pen there.

I know this is really hard to believe right now,

but I promise you, there will come a day when you'll get over me.

Judith, I'm over you.

Oh.

It took me long enough to see it, but...

we were a lousy couple.

We had our problems, but I...

No, no, no. We stunk.

Well, I... I think that's a little strong.

Come on, toward the end there, I was impossible,

and you, you were a bitch.

You gave me ulcers.

They weren't ulcers, you had gas.

We weren't meant to be together.

Well, I think this is all very healthy.

I wouldn't get involved with you again if you gave me...

Enough, Martin! Sorry.

So, here.

What? What is it?

Judith.

The day our divorce becomes final,

I won't be able to kid myself anymore.

I'm closer to 40 than I am to 30,

and I don't have anyone in my life...

and I'll be all alone.

Ta-ta-ra-ta-ta, there we go.

Okay, well, we have orange juice.

I made myself from concentrate.

We have a choice of bran flakes,

bran nuggets and new squares of bran,

a cup of herbal tea, and for dessert,

fresh strawberries and whipped cream.

Why do you have so many cans of whipped cream, Dad?

Now, I seem to remember you saying something

about how there's no one in your life,

and you're all alone.

He can see.

Here you go. I'm sorry it took so long.

I hope you and Richard will be very happy together.

Martin? Yeah.

You didn't sign it.

No, right.

So, what's the plan for today, sport?

How about Coney Island? Great.

I thought you were sick. Not that sick.

A minute ago, you were ready to have me call 911.

Fine. You don't want us to go, we won't go.

Look, I don't care what you do. Go ahead, go eat corn dogs

and get sicker.

We can stay home, and play computer games.

Fine, if it'll make your mother feel better.

Don't put this on me. Hey, you guys.

Who's putting it on you? Oh, fine.

Oh, I hate that "fine."

Come on, you guys, don't fight.

We're not fighting.

This is the same thing that's happened many times.

Actually, I wish I'd signed that five years ago instead of two.

Just wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Listen to us.

We're still a family.

Easy to hurt people, Joey, when you try,

Helping them, loving them, that's the real trick.

Otherwise, if you must know,

I feel just like a senior blue beaver.

Senior blue beaver.