Original subtitles

God, I love that song.

I called you in here, Rehan, to have a very important talk with you.

We get sex ed in school, Dad.

What sex?

Who's talking about sex? I'm not talking about sex.

Why are you talking about sex?

What I want you to know is you're free to date

whomever you want, just as long as it doesn't interfere with your studies.

But... but...

when it comes to getting serious, when it comes to marriage,

there are certain taboos in our culture.

No blacks.

No Chinese. No Jews. They're no good for you.

You find a nice Pakistani girl when you're ready to settle down.

But what about just plain white girls?

They're tempting, I know. But it's best to stay away.

It's like dipping your testicles into a bear trap.

- But, Dad... - No but.

I was standing there when you were born. I know what's best for you.

Now, go do your homework.

Hey, Mom.

Hi. I finally finished your hat.

Look. Isn't it great? Come here.

Good. All right. There, look at that.

Oh my gosh. Isn't that nice and warm?

It's summer, Mom.

I know. Leave it on. It needs to break in.

Sal's outside. You boys have fun!

Why are you trying to fix this thing? It's junk.

Oh cool. Your mom finished the hat.

Sort of...

Pass me the wrench.

Hey Sal, I know it's like a zillion years away,

but who do you think you're gonna marry?

No brainer. Nikki Evans.

I love her!

Dude, you've never even said hi to her.

So?

So how can you marry someone you can't even talk to?

There are ways.

Good luck with that.

Pass me the sandpaper.

Dude, you're like the worst assistant mechanic ever.

Sal, how do you see me?

I mean, am I white or brown to you?

I don't know. You're just Ray.

Noelle, will you marry me?

Oh, Ray!

These last couple of years have been...

the most incredible years of my life.

Without you, I don't know. I don't know where I'd be.

I never would have come out here,

I never would have followed my dreams.

Baby, you make me a better version of me.

You do. And, uh...

And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I'll take that as a yes.

- I can't. - You what?

I can't. I want you. I want you.

I just, I can't give you an answer right here.

Pierre, why don't you take a break?

I wasn't expecting this.

Didn't the tux and champagne kind of give it away?

But you're always doing crazy sweet things, which is why I love you.

Oh, I love you,

so promise me, you won't go all Ray on me and read too much into this, okay?

Of course not.

It's just my parents, the damn expectations.

I just, just let me take this trip with them and-and... they'll come around.

They will.

Right. And I'll stay... here, right?

Right. And when I come back, we'll take the next step.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay, that's good. I'm good.

- Okay. - Hey man, I gotta have this set back now.

French Kiss 2 is coming.

Oh, uh... Ray, I still get paid for the whole hour, right?

Come to papa!

Hello papa.

How awesome was that?

Did I hook that up? Did she love the Paris set?

Huh? Talk to me. How'd it go?

She's, uh... she's thinking about it.

What a bitch!

Dude, I think you might have dodged a bullet here.

I think she has fat girl genes in her.

Hey, hey, Sal, you wanna watch it?

It's still a good chance she could be my wife.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. When's she gonna let you know?

I mean, did she keep the ring?

Yeah, okay? So she's probably going to say yes

when she gets back from her family vacation.

What, a vacation?

Oh, that two week yachting thing with those fascist parents.

I thought you were going on that.

I thought she was gonna say yes.

Hey. Hey.

What am I gonna do with this stuff?

Noel, is that you?

No, it's your father.

Oh... Hey, Dad.

What's with the sigh? You should be honored I'm calling you.

Honored!

Dad, are you kidding me with what time it is right now?

Oh, don't tell me you're still sleeping.

You're wasting your bloody life. It's nine o'clock.

No, it's not, it's not nine. It's nine for you!

You remember this whole time-zone thing I keep telling you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bullshit.

What is that noise?

I'm practicing my golf swing, in front of the mirror, in your sister's bedroom.

You're swinging a golf club in the house again? Mama's gonna kill you.

You will see, my friend, one day your wife will castrate you too.

They grab you by the balls and they don't let go until you're dead.

Yeah, Dad, I know. Bear trap.

That's why you should marry a nice Pakistani girl.

They don't crush quiet as hard.

Dad, we've been over this.

Look, there's this nice girl I want you to meet, Dr. Bajwa's daughter. She's perfect for you.

Really though, what's the point if she's just gonna kill me?

Death by wife is every man's fate, you can't avoid it.

Well, I think if you find the right girl, you can.

Yes, well, you know nothing. So, Bajwa's daughter graduated from Penn State.

Not the best school I know, but she had a 4.0.

I'm with Noel. I'm not interested.

Oh, don't start with that bullshit Noel talk.

Not bullshit.

How serious are you two getting?

Pretty serious.

Married-serious?

Yeah, I hope so.

Okay, okay, at least take down the girl's for- Shit, your mother!

What are you doing in there?

What did we say about locking doors?

Bye, Dad.

Hey, what kind of name is Rehman?

It's Rehman, it's Pakistani.

Oh, yeah, I gotta tell you, I gotta be honest,

you're not exactly the look we had in mind.

The character description said that it was open to all ethnicities.

You know, it might be funny though.

What if you did the accent?

What, uh... what accent?

Your accent, the accent.

You know, like on The Simpsons, what's his name?

Yahoo.

Appu?

Appu, yes. Do Appu.

That's not really- it's not my thing, it's not my niche.

I know the procedure for a robbery.

I run a convenience store, you know.

I know the procedure for a robbery.

No, I know the procedure.

I know the procedure.

- I know this. - I know that.

- I know this. - I know that?

I know this.

I know the procedure for the robbery because I walk on the convenience store.

Yeah, what do you think?

What are you laughing at?

That's the worst Appu I ever heard.

How did the audition go?

I'm good. I'm really... I'm good. I feel good, I feel strong.

I made good choices. I'm in the running, apparently, that's what they...

You guys need anything else?

Okay, there's the Southwestern salads, the ones in the... not the fresh ones,

the ones, you know, in the refrigerator that you have...

To go?

Yeah, to go.

No problem.

And you? - I'm good, thank you.

Cool.

Did you... did you wink at me?

- Go get her number. - She's hot, right?

She's not really my type.

I know she's brown, dude, but she's still hot.

- Go talk to her then. - Yeah, maybe I will.

Good! Maybe you should, it could be your Noel for all you know.

Have you heard from her?

No, not yet.

But it's cool, I'm fine.

Southwestern, you got it.

Thanks.

Is that any good?

- What? You never had this? - No.

Oh my god.

Oh my god, the dressing's like heroin.

It's got sausage in it though, right?

Chorizo, it's the best part!

What? What is that face?

I don't do pork, you know I don't do pork?

Oh my god, I forgot I was sitting across from Mr. Muslim here.

Do you have to go pray now?

Which way is... Which way is Mecca?

Must you mock the one thing that I practice?

Yeah, because it's the only thing you practice.

Not eating pork isn't going to make you Muslim, bro.

That's like me saying I'm Jewish because I like matzah.

You are Jewish.

Half.

Hold on a second, Judaism is not enough, listen, you cannot be half of it.

Yeah, but only my dad is Jewish, okay?

Then say that you're not really religious.

I'm going to say whatever I want, fake Muslim boy.

Hey, your car just got a parking ticket.

Guh! You bastard! What...

That's your fault.

Wait a minute, how is this my fault?

Because I don't carry change.

Then you should carry change.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ray, your co-pilot.

Please feel free to move toward the bar as it is in the last call.

Hey, another Pinot Grigio?

No, thank you.

Do you like bartending here?

Sure. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

I mean, you know, once you get over the outfits and stuff, but you know,

I mean, people just kind of assume that you're cool standing back here.

Assume that I'm cool.

Not assume that I... Assume that other people, I... they actually know that I'm cool.

I'm talking way too much. I'm sorry.

It's... I'm cool. It's cool. I'm cool working here.

Well, I like this place.

Yeah, yeah.

I didn't think Persian would be fun enough to work here.

Oh, I'm not Persian.

You're not?

No, no, I'm actually half Pakistani, but I pass for a lot of things.

Wow, it's really cool.

I'm half white too, you know.

It's really awesome.

Hey, baby, it's me.

I know you're probably sleeping, but I thought I'd call.

Thinking about you, and hoping you're thinking about things too.

Dad?

Rehan! You're home.

Great. Open the door. I have to pee.

Suitcase. Suitcase. Suitcase.

Dad, what are you... what are you doing here?

- Is that any way to meet your father? - Hi.

Okay, great. Open the door.

Dad, where's mom?

I've got to use the bathroom.

Make me some chai.

Goddamn. That felt good.

Where's my chai?

Dad, slow down.

Evaporated milk, two sugars.

What's going on, Dad? You don't make surprise visits.

Not much. I hate those bloody New Jersey summers.

Muggy, humid, stagnant air. It's bullshit.

You never did anything about it before.

Well, I did this time.

I wanted to have some... how do they say? ... fun in this.

What the hell is this?

That's Sal's.

Why didn't mom come?

Dad?

This house has zero tea bags in it.

Where's mom?

She threw me out.

What?

These, um...

These bloody white women, they don't know what the hell they want.

After 33 years, you'd think we'd know what each other was about.

She threw you out? Why?

At first, they love all of your idiosynchrasies because you're different from them, you know?

You're not what they used to, so it excites them, but it's all

bullshit because they want someone exactly like themselves.

Then they get pissed off because you can't understand.

It's not my fault, you know?

So it's her fault?

Her fault, my fault. What's the difference? I'm here.

Well, we're gonna get you back there.

I don't want to go back.

Why wouldn't you want to go back?

Because the woman's crazy.

She threatened to snap my clubs.

"You don't spend enough time with me, you always play golf."

Well, you do play an awful lot of golf, dad.

Every time I'm home, she's busy watching Oprah or Ellen or that goddamn Matt Lauer.

Even worse, she wants me to crochet with her.

Maybe you should, it would make her happy.

Men don't crochet, I keep telling her that.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

I want to spend time with my son.

Fine, it's good to see you, I'm glad you're here.

But I think you and mom need to get on the phone and start working us out.

Your mom... I'll handle her when she calms down.

Well, then maybe I'll call her.

No!

I'll handle it.

It'll work out fine in the end, you'll see.

Get me some chai.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

I guess I have to buy those now.

Do you take credit cards? Because I don't know if I have enough cash.

Is there a sale today?

Can you helped me out at all?

I understand that I'm in the wrong here.

I coughed all over your nice peppers, but...

But that's a lot of... that's a lot of peppers.

Do you think they're all contaminated?

Pimenta?

Is that pepper?

That's nice.

Did you know your dad's here?

Yeah, yeah.

A golf trip that he planned a while back.

I didn't know he was coming here.

Hey, hey.

You're never going to guess who I saw today.

Okay, who?

- You're not going to guess? - You said I wouldn't be able to.

Dude, that's totally lame, not even try...

Can I just be lame this time?

Nicky Evans!

What? Where? Where?

Walking down Riverside.

Oh my god, that's amazing.

I hope you didn't look like that.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Don't be stupid.

This is my deep cleansing moisture rich exfoliating night mask.

I gotta look good for this webcam thing.

- Well, did you talk to her? - Hell no.

- Then why are you so excited? - Because it was my Nicky.

That's the one that got away.

Please, you guys didn't even date.

Never an opportunity.

Never an opportunity?

You had like 49 opportunities.

Sixth grade social, eighth grade graduation dance,

sophomore year homecoming dance, junior and senior prom.

I was all awkward then.

Okay, then why didn't you talk to her today?

Because I was just so caught up in seeing her again.

It was a golden opportunity.

You're a schmuck.

I know what store she works at.

Really?

What are you eating?

I don't know.

Hey, Marge.

Ray.

Dad's here.

I just thought you'd like to know.

Look, call any time, okay?

Love you, miss you.

Bye.

Baby, how are you?

I couldn't sleep.

I wanted to hear your voice.

Well, here it is.

I wish you were here with me.

Because you want to tell me something?

Soon, Ray. I promise.

I think about you all the time.

Yeah, me too.

Want to try and fall asleep together?

Absolutely.

Dad?

Well, it's about time, sleeping beauty.

Why?

Why what?

Why are you swinging one of your golf clubs so close to my head?

This is the only open space.

Why don't you go outside?

Then I'd have to put my shoes on.

It's too dewy.

Perfect.

Why aren't you at work?

Um, I... I'm working nights.

Now, didn't I tell ya?

No.

Yeah, the firm has too many daytime employees,

so, you know, there's just like a restructuring in the company,

and, um, it's just a whole kind of, uh, you know, we're focusing on Asia, so...

You still get full benefits though, huh?

Of course.

Textbook.

So, I've got big news for you.

Oh! Oh! Hey, did you call Mom?

What? No, no. You're going on a date.

What are you...

She's very nice, and she's a schoolteacher. Very sexy. She'll make you happy.

Dad, look, Noel already makes me very happy, okay?

I don't want to go on a date with some random chick.

What random? She's your Uncle Tariq's best friend from medical school's classmate's daughter.

And she's already agreed to meet you. It's done.

What part of me and Noel being together don't you understand?

Rehan, open your eyes.

Do you think I'd be sitting here if I'd married a Pakistani girl?

Learn from my mistake.

I want you to have a good life.

Haven't you had a good life?

Yes.

I had you and your sister, and while you were growing up, it was great.

But now with Noreen off to college...

It's just me and your mother in that big house. Two people with nothing more in common.

We're going to bloody kill each other, I swear.

I won't let this happen to you.

Just meet this girl, have dinner. That's all I ask.

Rehan... I'm suffering here, please.

Do this for me.

If I do this, you promise to drop it.

And you call Mum.

I don't know how you talk to me into this stuff.

It's not a date.

Who said anything about a date?

- It's not a date, Dad. - It's a meeting, it's a chit chat.

So you're going on a date?

No, no, no, buddy, it's not a date.

That's nice, that's very nice. You should start establishing backups.

Noel hasn't said no, dick.

But she left without saying yes.

It's a big decision, it's forever.

All the more reason to lay down the foundation with your dad's girl, what if she's hot?

Dude, do you remember the last time my dad tried to set me up with a girl?

No, I blanked in.

Fake mustache, acne scars, Mum-like spices.

Oh, yes.

I'm glad my misery brings you joy.

See, this is what I'm... Nobody's forcing them to date their own kind.

Well, okay, but to play devil's advocate, I can sort of see where your dad's coming from.

How?

Conformity's a pretty strong desire.

Okay, you know what? First of all, you're a shithead for taking his side.

And secondly, if that's the case, it's not fair for him to completely reject Noel.

Okay.

No, what?

Nothing.

Say what's on your mind.

No, I'm not going to say, because you're going to throw a hissy, and it's not worth it.

Just say it.

Okay, fine. And by that rationale, it's not completely fair for you to reject Pakistani women.

I don't completely reject them.

How many have you dated?

You're an ass.

And good luck with Nikki.

No, wait, wait, wait. Dude, you cannot bail on me right now. Please, please.

Okay, I'm wrong.

Your dad's wrong. Everybody's wrong.

Alright, enough groveling. Where's the store?

It's, uh, oh.

It's, uh, right behind you. Right now. It's behind you.

Here.

She's off today.

She works Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Sal, if you do not visit her on one of those days, I will hurt you. Physically.

That's a sweet shirt.

I know, right? It's kind of different. I like it.

- I'm Dale. - Jesus!

Can I help you, boys?

Yeah. Do you have one of those in, like, a... large?

Oh, that would look so good on you. Let me check in the back.

Thank you. Uh, you don't actually have to do... What are you... What are you doing, biatch?

That's cool.

You know the rules. I found this first. I get dibs.

- But it's a sweet shirt. - I know!

That's why I'm buying it. You can't.

But you don't think I'll look good in the shirt?

It's not that I don't think you'd look good in the shirt.

I just don't think the shirt would look good on you.

Uh, uh, uh, Dale, the professional, seems to think that it would.

Dale is trying to get in your pants.

The last one. Wanna try it on?

Oh! Uh, yes. Yes.

Don't even...

Baby, I just wish you were home already.

My father is driving me crazy.

Yeah, me too. It's like they learn it in dads' school or something.

Have you talked to your parents about us?

Yeah, we've had some conversations.

Good or bad?

A little of both.

Hi. What's the... Uh, what's the bad been?

Well, you know, they've got their opinions.

What kind of opinions are we talking about here?

Honestly, Ray, it doesn't really matter.

Oh, shit. Uh, baby, hey, I gotta go do this thing with my dad's stupid little...

Can I talk to you later? - Yes. I love you, baby.

Love you. Bye.

Six dollars, fifty-two cents, for a bloody bag of naan.

Bastards.

Okay.

Come on, let's go! We mustn't be late.

Don't slouch. Stand up straight.

And try not to talk so fast. People my age can't understand you.

Great pep talk, dad. Really.

Javi, it's up. Thank you for coming.

Oh, hey, hey there. Hi.

Here's the naan you needed.

Come in. Come in. Come in.

Beautiful girl, huh?

She can hear you, dad.

Great. You have all met.

Javi, come. Let me give you a tour of the house. Come.

No, no, I'm okay here. Thank you.

Okay, tour sounds good.

I have been having dinners like this one for the past six months.

Wow. Why would you do that?

Well, for the exact same reason you're sitting here right now.

You can't argue with a fifty-something year old Pakistani man. You know that.

You'll just lose that battle every time.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

Hi.

Oh, Mom, this is Rehan.

Ray, actually. Hi, I go by Ray.

- It's a pleasure to meet you, Ray. - Me too.

Honey, I need you to help me with this, okay?

Okay. Can you give me a minute?

I hope you're hungry, Ray, because dinner's on the way.

I can't wait.

I'm going to go grab a quick smoke. Do you want to come?

Your mom is white.

She is?

My mom is white, too.

Really?

Yeah.

My dad didn't tell me that.

Had it in mind.

What did your dad say about me?

You're from New Jersey.

You graduated Magna Cum Laude from Tufts University.

And you're an investment banker.

So I figure at least one of the three is true.

Well, I am from Jersey.

I did graduate Magna Cum Laude, thank you.

- Oh, congratulations. - Yeah...

But yeah, the whole investment banking thing didn't really pan out.

What did?

Acting.

Really?

Yeah.

How's that working out for you?

It's going. It's going.

I bartend at the Airliner and I chip away at the acting.

Oh, I like that bar.

Okay, so your dad thinks that you're this big-time investment banker,

but you're really just a struggling bartender-slash-actor.

I prefer the term actor-slash-bartender.

Well, that's pretty ballsy.

You're like the poster boy for every Pakistani father's worst nightmare.

Too spicy?

Here. Have some naan.

Sometimes I fear he's not my son.

Can you make it less spicy, less tasty, like American food?

No, it's really very good.

Rehan, your father here tells me that you have

been making great strides in the investment banking firm.

Do you enjoy it?

I do. I'm sorry. I think the curry is actually coming up.

I was thinking maybe you could help me with an

investment opportunity that was presented to me.

Rehan, I told him you would double his money.

Thanks, dad. The market is actually really, in a really interesting place right now.

The economies of the world, India's economy, and Japan's very bullish.

I like hedge funds. Hedge funds.

You should, you know, just come by the office sometime, we can settle a...

Great! I can come tomorrow.

I think you need some air.

That's a very good idea.

That's a great idea. I was going to say, maybe it's some sort of...

This sweater... it's kind of warm in h...

Is it warm in here? You guys kind of feel like it's warm in here.

He's a very modest boy.

Naturally. He's a very handsome guy too.

Very tall, very handsome.

Yes, he could be an actor.

God forbid. God forbid.

Thanks for that diversion.

Yeah. Well, that's a lot better than your bullish hedge funds.

And as amusing as it was to watch you squirm, I could not let you go down like that.

Well, the half Pakistani, half Caucasian community applauds you.

Oh, come on. We're not the only ones.

Yeah, you're probably right. Name a few.

Okay, um...

I got nothing. - Yeah, you got nothing.

I'd be willing to bet that there are endangered species

on this planet with higher populations than ours.

- Humpback whales are kicking our ass. - Yes, they are.

That's for sure.

I mean, look around. For better or for worse, people just end up with their own kind, you know?

It's a natural inclination. But what if your own kind doesn't exist, or...

what if it's not until now that you know that it exists, you know?

Then what do you do?

Why are you so hung up on this?

Sorry. I'm sorry. I just need to stop processing out loud.

Yeah, you're much cuter when you don't talk.

To Sana and Ray.

To Sana and Ray.

To Sana and Ray.

Can I have a drink?

Please.

You're very handsome.

What's that?

Cookie?

No, no, no cookie. What's the handsome thing about?

He's handsome, like his son is handsome.

Will you look at him?

- We'll have handsome grandchildren. - Yeah, but will you...

Of course.

You had me worried. I wasn't sure what you were getting at myself.

Yeah, yeah, you haven't worried.

- You don't know what's going on. - No, no, no.

- Do you mind? - Put your pants up.

Nothing.

Yeah, you can put them back so you can pull your pants down.

Do you ever think about why our dads married our moms?

Every day.

I mean, an interracial, interfaith marriage in the 70s?

Do you know how much crap they'd going against them?

- I can't even imagine. - But they made it work.

Yeah...

I don't know. I guess you just have to find someone

that really makes you happy, you know?

And then it's like all that other crap doesn't even matter.

I blocked out the fact that I was half Pakistani for the longest time.

Oh, yeah. Embrace the half that can drink, the half that doesn't get their phones tapped.

Yeah, I totally get it.

There was an Indian family that moved into my neighborhood when I was in the seventh grade.

And their daughter was in my class.

She was this pretty dark-skinned girl, a lot darker than us.

She had this shiny black hair.

We were the only two in our class with black hair.

I loved it.

Loved her smile, her white teeth against her dark skin.

What happened with you two?

Took about a day for the rest of the class to find out that I liked her.

And then another day for the popular girls to make up a song about it.

What kind of song?

The Beatles.

Oh, I love them. Which one?

No.

It was about these two brown beetles that found each other in the sand.

I'm so sorry.

Did you tell your teacher? Or...

What was I supposed to say? The white kids were making fun of us?

I convinced myself it was my fault.

I shouldn't have drawn attention to the fact that I was different.

Well, I like that you're different.

It's fun being different.

That's one way to look at it.

Don't be a stranger, eh?

- Wonderful day to be here. - I'm so sorry about the curry situation.

Wonderful.

May I ask for the bathroom?

Yes, it's right down there, on the left.

Rehan, would you come with me?

I don't have to go, dad.

Children.

Car trip always make him have to go.

Dad, what... what... What are you... dad, dad!

Dad, hey, slow down. What is going on?

Spit it out. Do you like her? Tell me everything.

What? We're three seconds away from leaving. You couldn't have asked me this in the car?

I've got to know now.

- How can you argue with that? - You can't.

You didn't tell me she was a mutt.

What mutt? She's got like a perfect 20 figure.

No, no, no. She's half Pakistani and half white. She's like me. She's a mutt.

I thought you'd like that.

Yeah, I do. I'm a little surprised. I thought I was the only one.

I figured it was a good compromise. You get your white girl fix in the form of a Pakistani one.

Everyone's happy. Vin-vin.

You've really analyzed this, haven't you?

Many nights.

His father used to control him. His son didn't want to pee. He made him pee.

- He drank a lot of water. - I think he's nice and warm.

Yeah, did you see how he looked at you when you first came in? Did you see that?

Dad!

So, you like her then?

Oh, God, I don't know. Please don't ask me that. I just met her, Dad.

Okay, okay. Let's say this Noel girl didn't exist. She's gone.

- Then would you like her? - But she does exist, okay, dad?

Noel exists. Why can't you understand that?

You cannot just show up in my life and start messing with my head like this.

Oh, don't be such a bloody woman. No one's messing with anything.

I asked Noel to marry me.

Yeah, I did, dad. Right before you moved in.

What did she say?

I don't know. I was trying to get an answer from her tonight,

but our conversation was cut a little short by this date.

I thought it wasn't a date.

Hello?

Ma, you're up?

Ray.

I was calling to get the machine.

I'm sorry if I woke you.

No, I'm just cooking. How are you doing?

I'm better.

You know, hold on a second. Let me go outside.

Hey, Ma.

What's the matter, honey?

Uh...

I still haven't gotten an answer from Noel.

Oh, don't worry, honey. You will.

And why aren't you and Dad trying to work things out?

Well, I think you're asking the wrong person that one.

Yeah, well, he's impossible to communicate with.

You should try being married to him.

Mom, can I ask you a question?

Sure. Anything.

Was Dad the kind of guy, the type of guy that you saw yourself ending up with?

I distinctly remember almost failing history in college

because of a portrait of John F. Kennedy that hung above the blackboard.

I tried to take notes. I tried to pay attention to the professor, but...

My eye kept drifting up to that portrait of Jack.

He had this hold over me.

Oh, I even joined political clubs to be near the type.

So what happened?

I met your father, and all those things went out the window.

You ever wish they hadn't?

My life works out the way it works out.

Sometimes I think none of us has a choice in any of it.

Do you really believe that?

More than most things.

I can't believe you made me wear this ridiculous outfit.

If you want to be a good golfer, you have to dress like a good golfer.

Be glad your mother didn't crochet it.

Dad?

Shh, not now.

Perfect.

When are you going to call Mom? Will you please call her?

Oh, stop talking. She doesn't want to hear from me right now, okay?

Yes, she does want to hear from you. I just talked to her last night.

You spoke to her behind my back.

What, behind your back? That's not behind.

You're my dad. She's my mom. I call her all the time.

Bullshit. You never call. She always complains.

Don't make this about me. This is not about me.

I can't believe you call her.

Traitor. That's what you are.

That's a bit much.

See what you make me do?

I can hear her in her voice, Dad, okay?

She wants to work things out with you.

You really want me to call her?

- Yeah. - Fine. I'll call her.

Seriously?

On one condition. You see Sana again.

You might not want to admit it, but you like her. A father can tell.

Yeah. And as a husband, you should be able to tell that you need to call your wife.

Hello.

Yes.

Babe, is that you?

Yes.

Are you saying yes to what I think you're saying yes to?

Yes!

What about your parents?

They're impossible. But...

I don't care, because I am done trying to please them.

Dad, I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.

I cannot wait to see you.

I know, and I can't wait to see you either.

Doesn't... Rehan!

I love you.

I love you, baby. I can't wait to see you.

Okay. Okay, bye.

I'm here, Dad. I'm here.

- Hold on. - Hold on. Hold on.

And up!

Breathe out. Breathe out. Breathe out. Breathe out. Breathe out. Breathe out. Breathe out.

And up!

Okay. Okay... Hey. Hey. Nicky. It's Sal. Remember me?

Assume she does?

I made you this...

Stupid! Stupid!

Hi. Hi. Ray Raymon. You know that. You're the casting director.

You're reading for the part of Malik?

That's right.

Gotta be honest. You're not exactly the look I had in mind.

Really? The breakdown said that you're just a good-looking foreign med student.

Yeah, no. We decided to make him a terrorist.

Terrorist? Terror... I can do that. I can do that.

Ooh, you're too clean-cut. Unless you speak Arabic?

Alibaba, hey!

La rot Selim. Ta rey.

Doh, doh, clock, Tel Aviv.

Khalimah.

Khalimah shuktidi, alkhalimah.

Allah!

Assalam. Assalam. Lalam. Lalekum.

La, la, la, la. Duh, dah.

No...

Hi.

Sana!

- Hi. - Hi!

- What are you doing here? This is... - I was... What are you doing here?

Well, I'm just getting these Spanish-English dictionaries for my students.

Oh my God. I love this book.

- Really? - Yes!

That exact book?

Yes. This is, like, my all-time favorite book.

- That's crazy that I would be... - Yeah.

Yeah, wow.

I've read it, like, 50 times and, I mean,

I haven't read it in a while, but it's just...

Wait a minute.

You read Maya Angelou?

Yeah, I read Maya Angelou. Why is that so hard to believe?

Well, because the Learn to Speak Arabic Overnight book under your arm

doesn't really scream that you're into African-American feminist literature.

Funny story about this. And my sister really loves her.

Right. Okay. I didn't know that you had a sister.

Yeah. There's a lot you don't know about me.

Oh, well. Do you want to change that?

What are you, uh... What are you doing after this?

I, uh, I need a huge favor.

Hello. Are you Sunil? Hi.

I'm Sana. This is my friend, Ray.

Hi.

I, uh, hope you don't mind if he joins us. He's an old friend. So...

All right, then.

Yeah.

So I'll just, uh, get right into it, Sunil, if you don't mind.

Sana's father tells her that you are an investment banker.

How do you feel about hedge funds?

All right. Rehan leads five sets to love. Are you done yet?

Can we talk about you for a second, though? This, uh, Sana chick?

I'm a little confused. I don't understand how it went from,

"Dude, I'm just going out to dinner with this girl to shut my dad up"

to poolside hideaways and bookshop rendezvous.

Holy shit, you... you really like her!

Hey! You're finally down with the brown!

- Sal, shut up. - No!

You are getting zinc all over these balls, my friend.

No, no, because you always say once you go Pack, you never go back.

But now she's going to be the one saying that.

Sal, seriously? Shut the hell up!

Come on, dude. I'm not down with the brown. You know that.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't be ashamed of it. You should embrace it.

Noel said yes.

But did you say yes back?

Say yes back? I asked the question.

Doesn't matter. Because she left without saying yes,

the power of decision rests with the originator of the question.

- You know... - Huh?

Your theories... are retarded.

Okay, you know what? I have a gift. I know that.

Can we please play now? Are you done theorizing?

No, just serve.

Did you go talk to Nicky? I bet you didn't.

- You want me to serve? - You're giving me woman advice?

Could you just give me the balls, Martina?

There you go. I think you might need them.

Oh, you got one.

No. No, I did tell you that.

... ridiculous! How could you...

Don't argue with me, Janet. You're the one who threw me out.

Are you drinking?

Alone?

I can't even talk to you when you're like this. You're completely irrational.

Oh, no, don't worry. I won't be calling you back.

Is that the way you feel about me?

Then it's a good thing I'm not there!

I'm sorry you had to hear that.

What happened?

Hello?

I never listened to my father.

When I told him I was going to marry your mother, he was so mad.

To him, coming from the same place, same background, was most important in marriage.

I grew up in that ridiculous caste system that perpetuated the stupid idea...

I knew that.

He thought I was defying him by choosing her.

Were you?

He died... two months after the wedding.

After the wedding he never attended.

Marriage is hard enough without adding to it, Rehan.

Is that your father talking, or do you actually believe that?

I mean, of all the women in the world, dad, you chose mom. Why?

It's hard to explain.

Then tell me.

I saw things in her I'd never seen before.

She was so capable.

So strong.

So American.

Like, uh, Catherine Hepburn.

She was everything I wanted.

Everything I wanted to be.

Well, then stop being so pig-headed and get back to her.

Watch yourself, Rehan.

I'm coming.

Keep it in your pants.

Hello, Sal.

Hello, Mrs. Rehman.

Who the hell is breaking the door at this goddamn hour?

Nice to see you, too, Javaid.

Oh, shit, my clubs.

Do you think I came 3,000 miles for your clubs?

You're a woman. Anything's possible. Am I right?

- I don't know anything about women. - Mom!

- Oh, hi! Rehan! - Hi!

- Come give mama a hug. - Oh, my God, it's so good to see you.

I thought I'd let you kids play along long enough.

We don't need your supervision.

And I don't like fighting with him on the phone.

Well, I don't like fighting with you in person.

Well, Dad, maybe she didn't come to fight.

No, I'm pretty sure I did.

- You see? - Oh, you know what? I don't care.

Nobody is going to be fighting in my house.

That's one of our rules.

Okay, fine. We'll talk outside. Javaid, go.

Great. I have to put my shoes on.

Put some clothes on.

- Sal. - Hi.

Sorry about this.

You look good.

Well, I have presents.

Hi, presents! I love it.

Oh, cool.

Voilá!

Ow, like a clown. Hello.

I was literally just telling Ray how much I miss wearing wool out here.

Oh, good!

- Wow! - Here's yours.

Perfect. Perfect.

- Yeah? - Per... I love it!

And how's your job going?

Making ends meet.

I told you bartending is a good solution for now.

I wish dad saw it that way.

And Noel? You set the date?

She hasn't gotten back yet.

Oh, you'll be fine.

She's a lucky girl!

Which girl?

What do you mean, which girl? Noel.

Such a... I forgot.

Why? Is there some other girl I should know about?

I don't know anything about women.

Talk.

There's this girl I introduced him to.

He likes her. They're good for each other.

Outside.

Now.

Look out for my gloves.

Please, let me into that pea-sized brain of yours.

How did you think that pushing a girl

on our engaged son was a good idea?

- I want to... - What? What?

I wanted to let him know there were options.

He wasn't looking for options.

Neither were you.

Doug? Was that his name? I always forget.

Did you leave him right after meeting me? Or did you wait a couple of days?

We all make choices we have to live with.

Yes. We do.

But we made those choices. At least let Ray do the same.

He didn't have to go out with her.

- Oh, Jer... - Oh, wow.

I forgot how hardcore your mom can be.

Dude. Dude, Sana just texted me. She wants to know what I'm doing tonight.

Oh, winky face!

Oh, she so wants a piece.

Oh, knock it off, dude. We're just friends.

Really?

Is that why you're still staring at your phone?

Please tell me. Why is it so terrible that he wants to be with Noel?

And if you say it's because she's white, so help me God.

Janet, we know nothing about this girl. We've never met her.

She could be a criminal. She could be a divorcee. Worse?

She could be ugly. We could have ugly grandchildren. Is that what you want?

You didn't know anything about me when we got together and that worked out okay.

Didn't it?

I don't know.

Did it?

I hate not having anyone to fight with at home.

I'm running out of my mind here. Rehan used to say that.

No moxie.

Oh, yeah. You know that new alarm clock I got? It's going to be going off any minute.

I kind of want to be there for it. So...

Yeah, have fun.

Hey, Sana. It's me.

LOL.

Did I forget to tell you I'm engaged? Happy face.

Your father was telling me about this girl, Sana. How similar you two are.

It's great to find people you connect with, sweetheart.

But, uh... loyalty's important too.

You made a commitment to Noel.

I'm aware of that, Mom.

Does Sana know that?

Don't you think she should?

- Yeah. Yes, I do. And I'm going to try. - Ray...

Promise me something. Listen to the voices in your head.

It's kind of hard not to. There's a lot of them in there right now.

Well, what are they saying?

Mainly that I'm an asshole.

Mom, look.

Noel is... the most amazing girl for me.

I know that. I see that. She's motivated and she's passionate and she's beautiful.

She challenges me in all the right ways.

She's exactly the girl that I always saw myself ending up with.

Until I met Sana.

And now I'm just... I'm not so sure.

You barely know this girl.

It doesn't feel that way.

Remember, when you came home from school that day when those girls

made up that song about you, do you remember what I told you?

Girls are stupid.

- That's right. - That's right.

Honey, if I ever did something stupid like...

prevent you from meeting a Sana in the past, I'm very sorry.

What are you talking about? Mom?

I just couldn't bear to see you hurt again the way you were that day.

Mom, nobody tricked me into falling in love with Noel. Okay?

I did that.

That was me. That was my choice.

Well, it felt like I gave you a push or two.

Well, even if you had, it's only fair. Dad shoved me at Sana.

Oh, crap. I gotta go. I gotta go. I'm running late.

Oh, I almost forgot. Listen, if you and Dad are gonna be sleeping in here

tonight together, which, by the way, I don't really want to know,

so please don't tell me any details. But if you are,

if you're planning on doing that, there's some extra pillows in the closet.

We're still just figuring things out.

Yeah.

Every couple has their problems, right? No matter who they are.

I know.

Okay, go.

Oh, going, going. Love you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

We hope you're having a pleasant flight with us this evening.

Don't forget to enjoy our complimentary peanuts with your beverage service.

Thank you for flying with the Airliner.

I hate my life.

For God's sake, if that's the way you feel, I'll check into a hotel.

Oh, what? You're just gonna walk out on me again?

You're the one who just told me you refuse to sleep in the same building as me.

What I refuse is to put up with your crap anymore.

Oh, for God's sake.

Again.

Okay. Listen, this is who you married. Just me.

Not a color, not a religion, just me, all right? Now deal with it.

I've been dealing with it for 33 years. What's a few more?

A hotel sounds like fun. Let's go.

I'm all packed.

Now, do you have everything? Double check.

Because once we leave, we can't come back in again.

If I have to come back in again, I'll break the bloody door down.

Check the bathroom. Be sure you have your toothbrush.

Pack my toothbrush. It's the first thing I do.

You know this. Happy teeth are very important to me.

You know, you could have been to the bathroom back in the time it took you to say that.

All right? Go get my bag, too.

Hi. Is Ray here?

No, he's at work. Noel?

Mrs. Rehman!

- Hi! How are you? - Hi! I'm so glad you finally met you.

You, too.

Who is this?

Oh, Javaid! It's Noel!

It's a pleasure, Mr. Rehman. Hi!

Have you ever been arrested?

What?

No, no.

Married?

No.

You're prettier than I thought.

Thanks.

I can't find my blue socks, the ones you crocheted for me. I don't remember packing them.

I'll make some more for you.

No, no, they're my lucky travel socks. I need to find them.

Javaid, leave it. Let's talk to Noel.

I don't want to interrupt you guys.

Oh, don't be silly. Don't be silly. So how was your trip?

Maybe Rehan knows. Do you know his work number?

God, I always call him on his cell, but the bar is so loud he can never hear me.

Bar?

Did you say bar?

Calm down, Javaid. Let's not overreact, okay?

My only son works in a stinking alcoholic bar, and you want me to stay calm?

I'll bloody kill him!

Hey there, poster boy.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, what are you... doing here?

Well, I got your text, and... I don't know. I mean, I just...

had to come by here and look for the bartender. Geez.

That's, uh... that's what I do.

How many... how many bars did you hit before you came here?

232 is an impressive number. I'd really be happy with myself.

Well, I thought so. Thank you. Yes.

I have lost my friends.

Wow. You have found a glass of water, so drink that.

Oh, no, no, I'm okay. Really, I'm fine. No. Wait.

- I'm here. - And what?

You look nice.

Thank you.

How, uh... how late do you work?

Till closing.

Do you have breaks?

Uh, yeah, I've got one, I've got one coming up in a little bit.

Take it.

What are you doing over there?

Just wondering what we're doing in here.

We're...

We're talking.

Talking?

Is that what this is?

That's something that, uh... you shouldn't have to do that.

It's something that you need to know.

You, uh... really... really need to know this, too.

Sana.

Sana. - What?

Sana, I'm engaged.

Oh, my God.

I'm engaged. I'm sorry.

Sana, I asked her to marry me before you and I ever met.

But she only gave me an answer the other day, which is

why I'm in here even though I shouldn't be.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Shit.

I gotta go.

Noel!

- Noel! - Hey!

You've already had two breaks tonight, man.

Just give me one second. Just one second!

Sana.

Sana!

I'm crying on the inside. Now get back to work.

Hey, Noel stopped by. Did she find you?

Yeah. She found me.

Rehan!

Can you cover for me again?

I finally meet this Noel girl.

And I have to learn from her, you're a bloody bartender?

Are you trying to hurt me?

It's not that big a deal, dad, okay? I'm serving alcohol. I'm not drinking it.

Serving leads to drinking.

I'm just trying to pay my bills.

There are 50,000 ways to pay your bills.

Yet you choose this. Why?

Why?

To spite me.

You looked me in the eye.

And you lied.

Right to my face.

What kind of son does that?

You don't think I want to make you proud, dad?

Huh?

Do you honestly believe that I'm the kind of son

that doesn't want to make his own father proud,

that I don't want to wake up every day with a six-figure-a-year job,

waking up every morning to a woman that I know that you and mom both love?

Because I want that.

I want that more than anything, but I don't know how to get that, dad.

Do you know how?

- Son of a- - This is what I'm talking about.

This doesn't make any sense, dad. You moved to this country,

and married an American girl and raised a- no, hear me out!

After all that, you expect me to live up to some

Pakistani ideals that you yourself refuse to live up to?

I don't think so. You cannot have it both ways.

And if you can't make things work with mom, hmm?

If you can't look at your own wife in the eye

and not be reminded of some mistake that you made,

leave her.

Because it's not fair.

To either one of you.

Loreen and I are big kids now, okay? We can take care of ourselves.

I gotta go work.

What are you making?

Martini.

Who ordered it? James Bond?

Yeah, dad.

Yes, he did. He comes in here all the time.

Hey? Excuse me. Ray? Excuse me. Ray? Ray. Ray. Okay.

I just got off the phone with your mom.

Your dad is on his way here right now! Right now!

How are you doing?

It's your dad. At the bar. Right now.

It's cool. It's cool with this, huh? It's cool. You're cool.

Listen, I want to thank you boys for letting me stay with you.

I'm grateful.

For everything.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're not gonna leave? What is this?

All so serious. I just got here. We'll get some shots.

No, no, no.

- Of Arnold Palmers. - Janet's waiting for me at the hotel.

I want to get back to her.

Besides, who wants to spend time in a bloody bar?

Who's this creation?

Have Martini, buddy.

Is it for me?

Why not?

She is.

I tried to call. Noel.

We should talk about this.

Talk about what?

What happened at the bar.

There's not really much to talk about. It seemed pretty clear-cut.

Hello?

She really seemed like your type. You must have been pretty hard up.

Nothing... baby, nothing happened between... she's a friend of my family's, that's all.

Please, Ray, I don't really feel like hearing your bullshit right now.

So you're just gonna shut me out then?

No, I've got like twelve depositions this week.

I have to get up early. Some of us have real jobs.

You know, I thought I'd come back and surprise you, but, oh, wait!

You're with some brown bitch in the bathroom.

What are you more upset about? The fact that you saw

me with another girl or that she was South Asian?

Don't even try to make me out to be the bad guy right now. Who was she?

Nobody. She's a family friend. My dad forced me to go out with her.

Well, why did you? Why, you asshole? You could have said no.

- You could have said yes. - I did.

Not right away.

- Did you sleep with her? - No.

- Do you want to sleep with her? - No.

Are you gonna see her again?

No.

Well, then we don't have to talk about this ever again.

Can you give me a minute?

I wanted...

I tried to tell you about Noel.

I really did. I swear. I just couldn't do it until it was...

horribly awkward.

Well... your timing wasn't the best.

I've never met anybody like you, Sana.

Never. You... you...

you get me, you know?

I feel like you actually get me and I don't get myself half the time.

I know.

I'm sorry if I hurt you.

So what do we do now?

Well, um... you have a wedding to plan.

And, uh...

and I gotta pack for Mexico.

But...

Mexico, what are you, uh...

what are you talking about?

There's this educational program that I applied to a while ago.

It's, uh... it's teaching English as a second language and, um...

I've always wanted to do it and...

How long is the course?

It's a school year.

I leave tonight.

That's, um... that's great.

Um... Your fiancée's very lucky.

So's Mexico.

Hey, Sal.

What's up?

You're kidding me, right?

Yeah, that's funny.

No, it's not. Take it off.

What? I'm not even wearing an undershirt. I can't take it off.

What are you...? You always wear undershirts.

But this feels so good on the skin, doesn't it?

What...

I'm not, I'm not gonna eat with you then.

Oh, come on. Come on, sit down already, please.

People don't pay attention to what people wear.

You're ridiculous. Do you know that? This is what you put me through.

Now, what can I do for...

you two?

You see?

That's funny.

I'll come back.

Okay. Yeah.

I like her. She's... That's funny.

I'm gonna burn that shirt with you in it.

So, guess what I've decided?

Good guess, but no.

I'm gonna go see Nicky. Today's the day.

Hmm?

You don't believe me.

You don't think I'm gonna do it?

Friends, support.

Sal, how much do you believe in fate?

What? What do you mean?

I mean, fate. I mean, like, our lives.

You know, do you think that our lives are predetermined,

predestined, that we don't really have a choice in any of it?

Yeah, yeah. I think certain stuff is destined.

You know, like, me being hot and you not.

No, I guess when it comes to choice, yeah, sure.

I think we make up our own.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think so too.

Why do you ask?

So, you boys ready now?

Hey, Nicky.

Sal!

For me?

As soon as she does...

Uh... we're all... we... need to talk.

Yo, dude!

But you're wearing the shirt. Well done!

We got a new shirt in the pastels in that I think you'd adore.

Did you love it?

Not today.

Sal?

Sal Garfinkel?

My gosh, I haven't seen you in forever.

You remember me?

Yeah, of course you sat right by me in the homeroom.

How are you?

I'm good.

I'm really good.

So, what are you up to this weekend?

Uh, not much. Probably just kick my roommate's ass at ping pong.

My friend Julie's having a barbecue. She wanted me to invite you.

Really?

Yeah. You should come up.

I'm probably gonna pass, actually.

Hey, thanks for standing me up, Sal.

Real nice eating lunch by myself.

Look, I'm really happy for you, bitch.

But if you use hanging out with Nicky as an excuse

to blow me off one more time, I will kill you.

I will smother you in your sleep. Good night.

Hey there.

Hi.

I brought you a sombrero.

Yeah.

You came... you came all the way back from Mexico to bring me a sombrero.

No, I... have the weekend off.

- U-huh... - And, uh...

Just handing out sombreros around town.

Yeah.

Alright, let's just see if it fits.

Okay.

I have an ugly-shaped head. I'm just warning you.

Feels good.

Looks good.

It's bloody bullshit, I tell you. I'm not going to put on my shoes

just to go to some filthy bar where they don't serve the kind of chai that I like.

I'm going golfing. Don't wait up.

That's great, Ray.

You should always do that accent. It's hysterical.

Ah, thank you.

Ray, you gotta tell me, how do you make up a character like that?

Uh... You don't.

That shirt's going to look really good with your skin tone.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I predict.

Well, we'll see. We'll see.

Whoa.

Dale?

Yes.

You know what you're talking about.

I do. I'm a professional.

Yeah.

Thanks. No, I'm good.

Ray?