Original subtitles

Dear diary.

Lust has taken over. No matter what else is going on in my life,

there's only one thing allowed inside my head right now.

And his name is Finn.

And that's because I kissed him.

Well, technically kissed him.

Let me explain.

As you know, I kissed Archie.

This is before I knew he was gay, so it still counts.

Archie kissed a girl...

reluctantly, called Tracey Croft.

Tracey Croft shared a bit of her kebab, and tongue, with Chop.

Bleurgh!

Chop unknowingly kissed Izzy up near Rutland Waters.

Whoever that was, can't kiss. It's like kissing a bloody corpse.

Izzy swapped lips minutes later with a girl called Julia Fisher.

That's how you kiss someone. Oo-ooh!

And finally, Julia Fisher kissed...

my Finn.

So there, technically we've sort of kissed.

Simple.

Maybe you're in love. I'm not in love!

How many men do I fancy per week? Well, this sounds different.

It's not different and I'm not in love.

I don't even know him.

I used to think he was shallow, and maybe he is.

Maybe I'm just confused because I want him to tickle my kidneys.

What's he like?

Well, he's got this shy, but would-be nuclear-in-bed thing going on.

He really likes music and...

Oh, bollocks! Hide!

What the hell is he doing here?

I thought you said he was shallow.

I think I might be about to commit a sex crime.

I think I might be your accomplice.

Bollocks!

I'm in love, aren't I?

Rae, it's Chloe... again.

Look, we should meet up.

We've got loads to chat about, so please call me back.

That's it.

What the hell is going on?

We've installed a chin-up bar in your doorway.

Why?

Karim says it's the strongest doorway in the house.

You can't do that.

Rae, he can't leave the house, remember.

He's got to stay in shape if he wants to keep me interested.

There's no point arguing with you, is there?

No, not really, not unless you want to pay the mortgage.

Dear diary, it's been over a decade since a man's lived in this house

and now I have a six-foot tall Tunisian sweating in my doorway.

I give it two weeks before Mum scares him off.

This came for you.

Just look at my dad.

My mum is so annoying that when they split up,

he moved to the Outer Hebrides.

He's sent a couple of postcards a year since I was six.

He never leaves a return address.

He says he doesn't want to stand on my mum's toes.

Dear Rae...

I always imagine him to have a Scottish accent.

I'm not sure why.

I think he was born in Derby.

Just wanted to drop you a card to say that I'm thinking of you.

Stay out of trouble. Lots of love, Victor.

Dad.

He always finishes with a piece of life advice.

PS, he who is dishonest only ever lies to himself.

The truthful path is the only one that leads to happiness.

Rae.

What does that look mean?

You mean you don't know.

I thought you knew what was going on in my head at every moment.

Well, maybe I do and I want you to tell me.

I'm just...

tired of being a phoney.

I feel like I've been carrying around

this big backpack of bullshit for months.

It's exhausting, you know?

When I told Chloe I'd been ill, I felt nervous.

And then angry because she walked out.

But afterwards...

I felt like I'd put down the big bag of bullshit for a while.

Relief. Right, relief.

I want to be like...

a new Rae.

No more backpack. Exactly.

And I want us to be able to talk about anything.

Be really honest with each other. I mean...

why not?

I'm loving the new Rae. So what do you want to talk about?

First of all...

I think I'm in love.

Oh, oh. What happened? I don't know.

I feel... sick.

I feel like I'm floating,

like a warm breeze could just blow me off the face of the earth.

Oh, yes, sounds like love to me. So?

What do I do?

Well, what would the new Rae do?

New Rae needed a manifesto of honesty.

Tell Finn I kind of, sort of, love him.

Tell Chloe everything that happened.

Tell everyone I was ill.

This is crazy.

He's like looking at porn.

As if he's ever going to like me.

Rae!

What are you doing here?

I just came for a walk.

Just keeping it real, keeping it busy.

Real busy.

So how was Knebworth, then?

Crap. Liar.

I were gutted you couldn't come.

Finn... I wanted to tell you something.

I wanted to talk to you too, actually.

Look, I'm sorry I was a bit of a dick when we first met.

I just...

I got you wrong, I guess.

I didn't know you were sound.

Finn!

Anyway, look, I'd better go.

Oh... my... Lord!

I'm never using this hand again for anything.

Well...

maybe for one thing.

Rae, thank God, look, don't panic.

Nobody is panicking,

but me and Karim, we've got to leave the country.

What?

We think someone's tipped off Immigration.

Who?

Fucking Sally Crowther's mum.

Tess, who works behind the Lottery counter at Food Giant, right,

says she's been asking questions about the exotic man who lives here.

What exactly do you mean, you're leaving the country?

I'm buggering off.

Outside of England, to Tunisia.

This is crazy.

No, it's all right, it's only for three nights.

It's not like we're going on holiday.

Oh, Karim, make sure you bring the camera.

Camera.

Right.

I'm really not happy about leaving you.

Are you sure you're going to be right?

I'll be fine.

Maybe I shouldn't go. Cos last time you were on your own...

It's not like last time. I'm much better than I was.

Mum, you're scaring me.

Taxi man. Taxi man.

Right... out of the way.

No parties.

I've asked Mrs Dewhurst to keep an eye on you

and I'm going to ring Kester

to make sure he can bring forward your second appointment. No parties.

I've left a list of things by the kettle.

Go to the hospital if you don't feel well.

Bye, love.

No parties.

What should you do when the bane of your existence

finally pisses off for a bit?

Hmm... maybe I'll just start with a movie and some ice-cream.

How long's she away for?

She's back on Thursday.

What's that?

It's a present... to say sorry.

I was a mess when you came round to mine.

Well, I was a twat. Really.

Here.

So...

what happened with Stephen?

Well, we dragged it out for another three hours...

is what happened.

But I don't want to talk about that.

So...

So...

I guess I never finished telling you what happened to me.

Well, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, it's fine.

No, I want to.

You said you hate yourself.

I just, um...

It was March.

My mum was on nights.

I'd be at school in the day, I'd come back,

my tea would be in the oven with a note.

I didn't see her for three or four days.

It was too quiet. Time to think about things.

My mind started screaming.

Getting into weird patterns.

Weird repetitions.

Random bad thoughts.

Something broke inside me.

And the weight of one thing just pulled everything else apart...

everything else apart. Pulled everything else apart.

Rae...

why did you do that?

I don't know.

Something must have made you do it.

What were you thinking about?

I don't know.

I think sometimes people just go crazy.

But it doesn't matter.

I'm not like that any more.

I'm getting better.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

I've decided I'm going to tell everyone.

Why?

I just feel like a phoney.

I'm tired of having secrets.

Rae, everyone's got secrets.

I need to do this.

For me.

OK.

One down, two to go.

Bollocks to a saliva tree.

I needed to give him some of my real saliva.

On whichever part of his body he wanted.

And if being honest might make this happen,

it was time to truth the fuck up.

Anyway, then he hugged me.

Shirtless? Oh!

He smelt of boy sweat and CK One.

I thought my ovaries were going to explode.

So, are you still going to tell him you like him?

You're heading towards the friend zone.

What? You're heading towards the friend zone.

What the hell are you talking about?

So this is basically the zone where Finn's friends live.

And this is the zone where Finn's romantic possibilities live.

And this...

is you, Rae.

Now, you're getting to know the guy and you're gonna end up

in one of these two areas.

Now, tell me, which area do you want to end up in?

Tix? She wants to be in the romantic zone.

Correct, Tix, she wants to be in the romantic zone.

But at the moment, Rae, you are heading over here.

But we hugged.

Exactly. Now, that's exactly my point. Now, who do you ever hug, hm?

Your gran, your mum, your mates.

AKA, people you have no romantic interest in whatsoever.

So, go on then.

How do I make it to the romantic zone?

Well, first off, as a general rule, no hugging.

OK? No... hugging.

Then all you have to do is act like you don't like him.

Treat him mean to keep him keen.

What, am I 11 years old or something? It'll create tension,

and tension... tension is the key

to getting here.

Why can't I just be honest with him?

Look, take it or leave it.

Danny knows what he's talking about. Thanks, Dix.

See me after class for some extra-curricular shenanigans.

Tix, do you fancy him?

Chloe?

Have you ever heard of the friend zone? Heard of it?

You're looking at it right now.

Do you think they like each other? Izzy definitely likes Chop.

I reckon Chop likes Izzy, I just don't think he knows it yet.

Do you think they'll ever go out with each other?

I doubt it.

There's no way out of the friend zone, Rae.

All right?

S-Stop. What?

I really need to talk to Archie.

What was all that about?

Right... so are you gonna tell me what happened

with that guy that you fancy?

So... we kissed.

Ugh, filth!

But...

I just...

There was nothing.

What do you mean?

I'm shitting it, Rae.

I've kissed girls and I've kissed boys and I felt nothing.

I'm starting to think I've got no sexuality.

Archie, how can you have no sexuality?

Especially when you're peeping all the time.

I did that three times.

But you said it was... All right!

Less than ten times.

I'm just a bit of a mess right now.

Archie, come here.

All right, love birds? Hey, Chop.

Where's Finn?

He's gone off home to his mum. His gran's not well.

Don't say owt, but he's pretty cut up about it.

Here he is, the big knobhead.

What?

So, Raemundo, a little birdie told me you've got an empty.

Chop! What? I didn't tell her who told me.

Anyway... you know what I'm thinking...

No, no parties.

I'm not talking any old party. I'm talking a sexy party.

What's a sexy party? It's exactly the same as a normal party,

but everyone brings sleeping bags

and no-one asks any questions in the morning.

Oh, so it's basically like a sleepover, yeah?

Can I borrow a duvet, Rae, cos I haven't got a sleeping bag.

Oh, no, cos we're not having a party,

sexy or otherwise.

Oh, my God, Finn, show everyone your love letter.

Huh?

Oh, who's that?

Finn's got an admirer.

What?

Let's see it. Get it out.

Pink.

Ooh!

"Dear Finn, you are so fit and lovely.

"I want to make you mine.

"Love from... X."

Ooh!

Who would even send a love letter? That is so stupid.

It's franked from Lincolnshire, so it must be a local girl.

But all letters are stamped "Lincolnshire"

if that's where they're delivered.

What? Letters are stamped where they're sent from, not sent to.

You're not serious?

You're 16 years old

and you think letters are stamped where they're sent... to?

It's what my mum said.

I'm joking.

Diary, maybe I wasn't the only one with a backpack full of bullshit.

Maybe most people had at least

a pocket full of bullshit on them at all times.

But that didn't mean everyone did.

And it didn't mean I had to.

In some ways, I never wanted to see my mum's face ever again.

In some ways, I couldn't wait for her to get back,

so I could finally destroy her.

Chop? "All right, Rae!"

So how do you host a sexy party?

"Whoo! Yes!"

All right, Rae?

Hey! Mwah!

All right, Rae. Give us a hug.

No.

I've got a no-hugging policy. You just hugged Archie.

Yeah, I just implemented it in the last few seconds.

What are you doing? I said come round at seven. You're three hours early.

I just thought I'd give you a bit of time to bed in.

Bed in? Chop, sexy parties aren't as big as normal parties, are they?

No. It's very much an intimate affair.

Just a few guests. Don't you worry.

Chloe.

What?

- Nice one. - What?

I've got a bit of a problem. Well, what's up?

I've got therapy in an hour.

Skip it. I can't.

Right, so what are you going to tell them, then?

Oh, bollocks to it, I'm just going to tell them all.

Rae, I've thought about that and I don't think you should.

Well, why not?

They're my friends, Chloe, they're not going to judge me. You didn't.

Well, they might treat you differently.

Besides, it is none of their business.

But I'm sick of lying.

Rae, everyone lies.

I don't believe that. Oh, Chloe, I can't believe that.

Rae, listen to me.

They might not understand.

Are you sure you want to take that risk?

Look, don't.

Everyone... Yeah, here we go.

I've, um... got to nip out for a bit.

So... don't trash the place.

What? Where are you going?

Um... She's got to go to her uncle's.

Get some more booze.

Sweet. Sweet.

Here y'are, Rae.

I've got some tunes here that you might not have.

Right, just stick them by the rest of the CDs then.

But I don't step on your toes music-wise.

I know how you like to think

you have that superior knowledge of music and all that.

Yeah, right. Whatever.

I've got to go.

Right. See you later, buddy.

Buddy? Buddy.

This is not good.

You are at the very brink of the border of the friend zone.

You're at the checkpoint. So what do I do?

You need tension, you need to do something drastic.

You need to make him see you in a romantic way.

I'll come to the party. I'll pretend to be your ex-boyfriend.

I'll tell everybody how amazing you were when we were going out.

How good in bed.

What? Why not?

Because it's just more bullshit.

I don't give a shit, that's why. Please, keep your voice down.

This is where I work. Don't tell me to keep my voice down.

What do you want me to say? I don't want you to say anything.

I tried, there's no point.

What are we going to do about the car? I need this for work.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

So how is the new Rae thing going?

I don't think everyone's ready for the new Rae.

Well, they'd better start getting ready.

So how are you coping with your mum being away?

The first time you've been on your own

since the night you came in, right?

Yeah, but that was only bad

because there was no-one there to stop me sinking.

What started you sinking?

I was just alone and... miserable.

It's just random bad thoughts, isn't it?

No.

Behaviour...

it's not chaotic.

Being on your own that night was just a trigger.

What we need to figure out is why you don't like yourself.

We need to start digging deeper, looking at things in your past

and seeing how you've made sense of them,

things you might not have thought about for years.

You said that being honest made you feel better.

Well, this is about being really honest.

Painfully so.

About being honest with yourself.

You know you can talk to me about stuff, don't you?

What do you mean? I mean...

what have you been up to the last few days?

Oh, not much, my life isn't as interesting as yours.

Has anything happened?

No, nothing's happened.

My life's very dull.

So, we can talk about anything as long as it's to do with me,

that's just the way it is?

I'm sorry, have I missed something here?

Just forget it.

OK, let's go back to the night you came in.

Let's just start examining how you were feeling,

what you were thinking.

I can't remember.

You can't remember what happened?

No.

Well, that's quite common. A lot of people have...

'Why should you be honest?

'Why should you ever tell anyone anything?

'Adults will tell you that you should always be truthful,

'but they're as full of it as everyone else.'

but it's all in there somewhere.

I'm sure it is.

Look, can we finish early, I've got something on.

Chop.

Chop. Chop!

What happened?

Yeah, the numbers seem to have swelled up a bit,

but I know everyone here personally.

I can vouch for every one of them. Who's that, then?

Hannah.

All right, who's that?

Hannah.

All right, so I don't know everyone.

For example, he's definitely not from Stamford.

Danny. Oh, here she is.

I've been telling everybody about when we were going out, you know.

Our romantic break in Staffordshire. You did what?

Anyway, like I said,

even though we bought a two-day pass for Alton Towers,

we didn't really want to leave the hotel room.

I've still never been on the Corkscrew.

Rae, that is so wild.

Good... good times.

Next thing I know, we were at reception

and she said, "Can you keep the noise down a bit?

"We've had complaints from next door."

That's a load of bollocks, that, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Why didn't you tell me you were going out

with someone at the hospital?

How do you know he's from the hospital?

I don't know, he's a bit odd.

I said to just turn the TV up,

or just enjoy the park,

like the rest of the people who do it, know what I mean?

Listen, Rae, please don't make me leave.

It's so boring back at the hospital.

Danny...

Listen, I've been telling everyone what an amazing lover you are.

You know, not too gentle and not too strong,

that perfect harmonious pitch between giving and greedy.

Right, Danny, you can stay.

Just... just don't do anything crazy.

But I am crazy. I've got a certificate

from the Government that proves it.

Listen, do they all know that you've been ill?

I'm going to tell them in my own time.

Just promise me, yeah?

I promise, Scout's honour.

Archie, who has he been talking to?

I don't know.

But I think he might have found out who sent him that love letter.

Rae, mind if I use your phone to ring home?

There's one in my mum's room.

I'm going to freshen up, so I'll show you where it is.

You're being way too subtle.

Remember, he's a boy, we don't do subtle.

Ignore him, you need tension.

Is this where the party is?

Come on, we ain't gonna cause any trouble.

Everything all right here, Rae?

Who's this mickey?

I'm her ex-boyfriend.

Jesus, you poor fucker!

Is there going to be a problem here?

Yeah, there is going to be a problem.

What are you going to do about it?

I don't know. I'm a bit mental, you see.

I'm a bit unpredictable. Right, well,

why don't you piss off inside before I get unpredictable?

What do you lot want?

Nothing, I just want to have a drink.

You're not welcome.

I told my brother about Finn last week

and he said if any of you touch me again,

he's gonna knock you out.

Yeah, well, you're not coming in.

I guess we'll just have to stand here all night.

Jog on, you big bunch of fannies.

You fuckin' scumbag!

Go on, fuck off!

Right, right, we'll have a couple of rounds of normal spin the bottle,

just as a warm-up.

Then we can spice things up a bit.

You know he only organises things like this

so he can get off with someone, don't you?

Rae.

Rae!

What?

Seriously, are you deaf?

How? I couldn't hear you.

Of course you could hear me.

Right, one, two, three.

Ohhhhh!

The almighty Barnstaple! Yes!

Next one.

Ohhhh!

Archibald.

I'm not even playing, mate, no.

No.

So... so who's this Danny guy then?

What's it to you?

It's nowt to me, I just wondered

what school he went to or if he's from around here.

No, he's not from around here.

Ready?

Ohhhhhhh!

Again. Whoa, whoa, yeah.

Go and get me a drink. What?

Quick, now. Get your own drink.

Go on, lad, get in there!

Right, right, no messing about.

We're upping the stakes.

Couples have to go into the landing cupboard together, for a minute.

No exceptions, you cheeky little...

Ohhhhhhh!

Raemundo!

She's only going in the cupboard of lust.

But who will it be with?

Whoo!

One, two, three.

'I wished for Archie.

'We could just go in there and chat.

'I wished for Chop, just a friendly fumble.

'I just wished for someone

'who wouldn't be disappointed that they had the kiss me.

'Oh, my God!

'What if it's Finn?

'What if my breath smells?

'What if I burp in his mouth?

'It won't be Finn, it won't be Finn, it won't be Finn.

'Oh, shit!'

Rae?

Yeah.

Why are you being such a complete knobhead to me?

Sorry?

Did I do something to annoy you?

No, I just...

Then why are you mugging me off all the time?

I apologised for being a bit funny when they first met,

but that's because I didn't know you.

Now, one minute you're dead nice to me

and the next you're just being totally rude.

I'm not trying to be rude.

Then maybe it just comes naturally to you.

I thought we were getting on.

30 seconds left, love birds.

It's not as simple as that, is it?

It is as simple as that, Rae.

Either we're friends or we're not friends.

Maybe I don't want to be your friend.

You what?

Maybe...

I don't want to be your friend.

Why not?

Hey-hey! Right, who's next?

I'm not being funny, but can we stop playing this now?

No, I haven't kissed anyone yet.

Are you even capable of still kissing someone?

I don't think anyone else is playing.

I'm playing.

Well, great, you two kiss each other then.

Everyone else can just chill out.

What?! Izzy?

Jesus!

Eww!

It's like kissing a corpse.

Ugh! Minging!

Chop.

Where's Finn?

Finn?

Oh, shit.

Oh, Finn, I'm so sorry.

Sorry.

Oh, it's all right.

I thought you weren't having a party.

I wanted to piss my mum off.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I suppose.

You'd have liked my nan.

She was always talking about something.

What are you trying to say?

Nothing. Just... you're always banging on about it.

You cheeky bas...

No, in a good way.

I like it.

I like talking to you.

And I don't like talking to anybody.

So are we all right?

Yeah. We're all right.

Are you all right?

You seem happy today.

I'm gay, Rae.

Are you pleased about it?

I'm fucking delirious.

Here it is, Churchill.

Where's Tix?

It was... it was something about...

- Danny? - Danny, it's Rae.

I've had a great time.

It's just nice to get out of the hospital, isn't it?

It was noisy, wasn't it? It was... it was something.

Yeah.

It was about something, wasn't it? It was nice.

Loud. Yeah. Right, come on.

Noise.

Music.

All right?

Will he be all right?

Yeah, he's fine.

Do you need your hat back?

No, mate, it's yours. You can keep it.

All right, I'll see you later. See you.

Thanks.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, bye.

Yeah.

I'll give you a ring this week, yeah? All right, cool.

I hope he's going to be all right.

Yeah, he'll be fine when he gets back.

Chloe, listen, I was thinking, you know about me telling everyone?

Let's just keep it between us.

OK.

So, what happened with you and Finn in the cupboard last night?

It was interesting.

Can I tell you something? What?

It was me who sent the letter to Finn.

What? When did you do that?

When I broke up with Stephen.

I just... wanted to feel normal.

You know, be involved in something normal.

Does that even make sense? No.

The more time I spent with him this week, I don't know, I just...

I think there's something about him. D'you know what I mean?

Definitely not.

Watch this space, anyway. No.

What? What?

Do you like anyone at the minute?

No.

No. No.

'Maybe some bullshit is best kept in your pocket.

'Or your backpack.

'Or even your Olympic-sized swimming pool.'

The weather here is relentless.

They've called off the local games - no caber tossing for this year.

I don't know if you've heard of a rock band called Oasis.

Anyway, I'm rockin' out. You'd be embarrassed.

I hope school is OK.

I was terrible at school.

Don't feel bad if you get frustrated with your exams,

it's a really difficult time.

But know that I love you and care about you so much,

even though it may not seem like it.

Hiya, chuck!

Hello. We're back.

Oh, my God!

Right, I'm going to put a brew on. Karim, tell her.

Er... we are...

Married!

Yes, marriage.

Married!

Well, what do you think about it, Rae? No more sneaking about.

Karim can stay. What do you think?

I know it's a bit sudden, but we had no choice, really.

Is everything all right?

What?

Congratulations.