Original subtitles

Good afternoon.

Yeah, obviously I've had my hair done. So, any thoughts?

Oh my God, is the Westminster Dog Show in town?

All right, a word to the mind.

If your stylist wants to know how her ass looks in pants, don't use

like, very fat.

Oh my God, and the Grammys are tonight.

Yes, and I am meeting Simon in an hour. What am I going to do?

Just keep your back arched and your tail out, no barking.

You know, I used to cut hair. I could fix it. Just because for a couple of

you shellacked bangs at the Acme Hair Palace doesn't mean you're getting

anywhere near this.

I'll do it.

If I can keep the hair.

Vicki, you're my gal.

And in case I didn't mention it, your ass looks fabulous in those pants.

Thanks. I've been jumping rope.

I'm not going Uncle Sal's birthday party.

Don't pull that one again.

I know it was hard to give birth to me. It's not my fault I was born with a

giant head.

Hello?

Mommy?

Dude, your coffee date's here.

I have a coffee date?

Hey, Elliot, you ready?

Hey, I've been thinking of nothing else. So where should we go, Sarah?

That's not my name.

I know that.

Baby?

It's Kirsten. And you're pathetic.

What? Just because I forgot your name?

Well, there's that.

And you're selfish in bed.

You have a big head. It limits me.

So if there's the other girl you're dating... Yes.

Yes, my mother's screaming at me. I'm juggling women. And there's this pigeon

my fire escape that wakes me up at 5 a .m.

Here. What you need is an assistant.

I could clear your life up like that.

You would do that for me?

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Tell you what, all I need is your social security card and

your mother's maiden name. Good.

My mother's maiden name is DeMauro.

Well, her married name is DeMauro.

I know.

Oh, what? A lot of women marry their second cousins?

Yeah, that explains that freaky head of yours.

it last night?

You looked amazing. And I owe it all to you. Now, when Joan Rivers asked me who

did my hair, what did I say?

This woman I work with. You're welcome.

Well, it doesn't matter, because when I saw your hair, it felt like I was on

national TV.

Hey, you know, I've got a date tonight. Can you do anything with my hair?

Oh, Maya, I would love to, but I got this project for Jack.

Vicki, work will always be there, but it's been forever since Maya had a man.

Unless you count that night that she nailed that crazy -ass husband of yours.

What, too soon?

Vince, you're amazing.

A half day and my life is already getting better.

My studio's organized, my bills are paid, and this chicken salad you made is

fresh and tender.

That reminds me, I don't think that pigeon's going to be bothering you

All right.

Friday, you make dinner for Sarah.

Saturday night, you go with Kirsten. But Kirsten's still mad at me for calling

her Sarah.

Oh, not anymore. I told her the truth.

Sarah was your high school girlfriend that died in the flood.

Here's her picture.

During dessert, whip it out, cry a little bit, should seal the deal.

Ma. Ma, look, I'm sorry about Uncle Sal's birthday. Oh, don't you worry

that. What you did for him is the best present he could get.

Where did you find a beautiful young Russian woman who'd be interested in

an obese old man?

It was tough, Ma.

And she must be very important.

Her beeper goes off all the time.

Hi. Hi.

I'm looking for Nina Van Horn. Oh, and you are? I'm Nina Man Horn.

I'm going to be playing her in my drag show downtown.

Wow. Alternative lifestyles. I think they're really empowering. Yay for you.

Hunter. Getter. Okay.

Well, hello there.

all dark and beautiful.

Can I help you?

No, I'm just waiting for somebody.

Oh.

Well, your wait is over, beautiful.

You know, my eyes tell me you're a girl with a little something extra.

Well, um, at least until next spring.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know what that means, but, uh, I like it.

I like it. It's hot.

Will the one of me who's an hallucination please raise her hand?

Okay, as long as one of me is here, I'm leaving. Nina.

Nina, I'm Robert.

I'm going to play you in a drag show downtown.

Okay, just let me get this straight. So you're a man who uses his time and

energy to dress up as me and then prance around for the amusement of others. Uh

-huh.

Yes! I am a gay icon.

And...

I'm not staring at your boobs.

I mean, I am, but it's just forced to happen.

Thank you so much, Vicki. Are you kidding? I can't remember when I've had

much fun.

Vicki!

Oh, Jack.

He wanted my project an hour ago. He's going to freak if he sees us. Oh,

Is Vicki in there?

I don't know.

No, you just came out of her office.

That wasn't me.

What's wrong with you?

I don't know.

Get out of my way.

Okay.

What's going on in here?

Oh, we were just talking about the bikini piece.

Maya had a great idea.

There are these new miracle fabrics that are both form -fitting and water

-resistant.

Seems complicated.

There's going to be lots of cleavage. Women covered in oil eating bananas.

I like it. Seems smart.

We're walking and we stop and we pose.

And we cast a disparaging glance at that poor woman with the gaudy jewelry.

And glasses off.

Oh, Nina.

Thank you for teaching me.

It is my pleasure.

You're like the daughter with a penis that I never had.

Vicki, one or two people is okay, but don't you think this is getting a little

out of hand?

I don't know.

Word got out, but I gotta tell you, I'm having the time of my life.

But we work at a magazine.

I know.

I'm thinking about leaving Blush.

What are you saying?

Maybe I want to go back to cutting hair.

Vicki, that's crazy!

You know what's crazy?

Justin Timberlake likes to fit.

so have you told my father that you want to leave?

Not yet.

I'm dreading it, but I know I have to.

Listen, are you sure that you're doing the right thing?

Maya, I like it here, but I've never really felt comfortable.

You know, when I'm cutting hair, I feel relaxed. I'm in control.

It just feels more like me.

Bet that sounds crazy to you.

Actually, I know what it's like to wish that you were doing something else.

Between you and me, I always wanted to be an FBI agent.

You? Yeah.

I even had a special secret agent name.

Agent M.

And I'd have my Glock, and I'd always be the first one through the door. I'd be

like, boom!

FBI freedom!

Don't you ever do that again.

All right, I'm out of here. Thanks again for everything today.

Oh, you don't have to thank me. You already did. You bought me this massage

chair.

I what?

Since you can't buy things with my credit card.

Oh, I can do whatever I want. Because without me, your life would fall apart.

Oh, you want me in this chair, brother. You need me in this chair.

I don't need you.

Oh, really?

What dry cleaner has all your clothes?

I don't know.

And what spice is Sarah allergic to?

Cardamom. I tell you what, cook her dinner, make love, and then watch your

windpipe slam shut.

You are such a freaking little blackmailer, man. Oh, blackmailer,

ugly. I prefer the devil.

All right, you know what? That's it.

That's it. You know, I've taken your crap for years.

I mean, when you put pudding in my pockets, I just smiled.

When you told everybody that I was born with a uterus, I said, that's bitch.

But this is it. You've gone too far.

All right? I don't care if my life falls apart without you. It's over. You're

fired.

Actually, I don't know if you can fire me without my approval.

Because I have power of attorney.

By the way, I changed your middle name to Margaret. I thought it'd be fun.

Hi. Got a minute?

Sure. What's up?

Look, Jack, this is kind of hard for me to say, but I want a leaf blush.

Come on.

No, look, I am so grateful for the opportunity you gave me.

But the truth is, I love cutting hair.

So, I love eating hoagies. You don't see me quitting and working at a sub shop.

Sub shops don't hire people to eat hoagies.

Wouldn't it be a great world if they did?

Look, Jack, you're missing the point here.

I'm really leaving.

I don't believe you.

Finch, if I'm still working here tomorrow, you can play polka music and

give you a naked lap dance.

Wow, you're serious.

Yeah. I'm stunned.

I mean, people would kill for this job.

It's glamorous. It pays well. At Christmas, every employee gets a big can

popcorn with a three -way divider.

Look, I thought everything was going so well. Is it something I did? Oh, no,

Jack. You've been great to me.

I'm a little thrown.

From day one, I thought we had this special connection.

Oh, but we do.

You're like a member of the family.

Forget I said anything.

That's fantastic.

Dennis, good news. Vicki is staying.

The plate is packed. The crowd's in a frenzy. You are going to make me a

After tonight, men dressed as me are going to be groping each other in

bathhouses all across America.

So, how are you feeling?

Well, you know, I had a headache, but then I took a couple of aspirin that

in your purse.

Those weren't aspirin. I just used the bottle to get through customs.

Ladies and gentlemen, Nina Van Horn.

Hello, I'm Nina Van Horn.

I'm afraid I have some bad news.

The star of the show is not feeling well.

Fantastic.

There's been a misunderstanding. I am the real Nina.

You are better looking than the real Nina.

Now, what happened?

How did my dad convince you to stay?

Well, he started talking about how close we are and how I'm like family.

If you would be happier doing something else, then you should do it.

I owe him too much.

I can't do anything to hurt him.

She doesn't want to be here.

What are you talking about?

Vicki. She's only staying because she doesn't want to disappoint you. I know

that you mean well, but when you care about someone, you have a tendency to

on too tight.

That's not true.

Oh, what about Timmy, the ink boy? He loves it here. His job is obsolete. He's

been trying to leave since 1972.

Yeah, but I like the way he does the finger guns.

Dad, you're a very charismatic person.

You can talk someone into anything.

Just be sure it's what they want and not only what you want.

Maya, wait.

You really think I'm charismatic?

Hey, Timmy.

Never gets old.

Hey, pal, how's life going? Fine, I don't need you.

Hey,

Kirsten. Hi.

Um, I just opened my Land's End catalog, and I saw a picture of your dead

girlfriend, Sarah.

She loved fleece.

So you clipped out a random picture of a model, and you told me it was your dead

girlfriend.

Gotcha.

Sarah! I just spent the last three hours in the ER thanks to those muffins you

sent me. They had salt in them.

Salt? Who's allergic to salt?

So this is Sarah.

Hi, I'm Kirsten, the other woman Elliot's dating.

Elliot, tomorrow, what did you do? Oh, not now. It's a bad time. Oh, tell that

to your Uncle Sal.

Svetlana's friends, Yuri and Dimitri, beat him up and stole his Bonneville.

Hey,

please. I can't watch this anymore. Listen.

This is DeMauro. You shouldn't be mad at Elliot. He's already hired a private

nurse to help Salter's recovery.

He did?

Yeah. Now, she's from Thailand.

Okay, so some of her medical techniques are a little unorthodox. But I don't

think Sal will have any complaints.

Elliot, you're the best.

Sarah,

come here.

Listen.

Elliot was going to dump Kirsten. She's only after him for his huge trust fund.

Really? Yeah. Go to him.

Kirsten, Sarah doesn't even like Elliot. She just found out he's got two tickets

to Fashion Week in Milan.

Oh, I've never been to Italy.

Well, do something.

Sweetie, you need to back off.

I'm not going anywhere.

Really? Well, neither am I. And I'm going to do things to him that'll blow

mind. I'm going to please him in a way that he's never even imagined possible.

Oh, really? Yeah. Good luck with that. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Ladies, ladies, arguing is getting us nowhere. I think there's only

one solution.

I think you should both try to please Elliot at the same time.

I'll do it. So will I.

Buy yourself a Volvo.

I'll get rid of all that haircut stuff.

You really love it, don't you?

I don't know.

It's silly.

Vicki, if it weren't for me, what would you be doing right now?

Doesn't matter.

Vicki?

Look, Jack, when you hired me,

I was in a really bad place.

I needed blush and I needed you.

Jack, I'll always be grateful.

But I think I want to go.

Then you should go.

Oh, yeah. Finally, you're getting on that. Nice.

Dennis, I'm hugging Vicki because she's leaving.

Oh.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Well, I just want to tell you I'm taking off.

My lady friend's here. I'm going out.

Dennis?

You ready?

Give me a second.

It's our third date, if you know what I mean.

Come on.

I'll get you some popcorn for the road.