Original subtitles

I'm not saying I definitely don't want to go back to the salon

but I have been dabbling with better-paid other employment.

- Dabbling? - I have applied for 30 jobs.

Surely you want to arrive in your dad's classic car.

- It was his pride and joy. - I can't.

If I drive it, it means he's really dead, doesn't it?

Oh! I'm going to have a baby with Gary.

- Catkins! - Oh!

Where's Cat?

No!

GASPS

Run, my goddess! I'll find you!

Love you, Gaz-bear.

- Tommy Moscrip? - Jackie's son.

Dad, you've got a brother!

Me.

Cuddly squid?

Um, do one-year-olds like squid?

Well, Sadie's going to have to get used to squid, mate.

It's not going to be long before she's having to fight them off

in a post-nuclear wasteland.

This present needs to be perfect.

I read online that your first birthday present

- can set the course for the rest of your life. - No.

Total bullshit.

Just get her some fluffy bricks or something.

So, I'm still pretty livid you didn't tell me

you had a secret brother.

Well, I didn't tell anyone, did I? That's why it was secret.

Hmm. So, what's Tommy's deal? What does he want?

Well, he...he just messaged me out of the blue a few years ago,

you know, said he was Dad's son and that they were living together

- in Spain. - Oh, suspicious. Continue.

He'd found some photos of me and Dad and was asking awkward

questions, but my dad told him I was an old work colleague

and I had a brain injury,

so don't trust anything I said, you know.

So, Tommy knew about you and your sister,

and you knew about Tommy,

but your wife and kids didn't know anything,

and your dad didn't know you knew, or that you'd been in contact

with Tommy. But also, you didn't ask your dad about Tommy, even though

he'd been living here for two months before he carked it.

- Yeah. - Jesus! Malcolm, do you think this is why your family are

- so fucked up? - Eh, we just don't discuss those sort of things.

What sort of thing - having blood relatives?!

Oh, my God, this is it!

Look at that. It's perfect.

That's Sadie's present.

MUFFLED GROANS

Oh, Malcolm! Help me!

It's spunking its eggs down my throat.

FEIGNS GAGGING

Hiya, baby!

- I spoke to the police again. - Oh, yeah?

- Still nothing. - Oh, it's been over a week now.

I thought they had CCTV everywhere.

They do, but apparently they don't have the manpower to look at it.

Cat will be fine, you know, Dad.

She's kind of a badass...

..in a lazy way.

Good morrow, fellow Moscrips. Good morrow.

Hey, Tommy.

- Brother from another mother. - Yeah.

Niece from another piece.

Uncle from another...spunkle.

- Oh. - That's not...

So, how are you finding Grandad's, then?

It's a bloody palace, Gemma.

Sure, the shower runs cold and the oven doesn't work, but

I'm more of a "micro-wah-vay" kind of guy anyway.

And IS there a microwave?

Nah.

- OK, got to go. - Bye. - Bye.

Your skin looks incredible, Malcolm. Do you wild swim?

No.

I sometimes shower with the window open.

A squirrel got in once.

- Gemma! I've got a surprise for you. Come on. - OK.

Ta-da! Sadie's creche, for when you come back to work.

Only a week to go!

Rita, you know Dad's gone part-time to help look after Sadie.

Yeah, but he might want a day off now and then

to explore romantic avenues.

- Why are orphans so sexy? - I don't know.

So, I've put a load of bathmats down, so she doesn't hurt herself,

and some toys from Crisis.

An uncooked bowl of rice?

Exactly. Yeah.

To attract a rat for her to play with?

It's a treasure hunt!

You know, you bury things in the bowl and Sadie digs them out.

- It's fun! - OK.

Spanner and a Biro?

I don't know what babies like, Gemma.

- I'm not Mr bloody Tumble. - Of course.

This is lovely, Rita. Thank you.

Treasure hunt.

Oh.

Oh, my God. What is that?

Oh, it's not anything weird.

It's just one of Winnie's semi-dried figs. Keep Sadie regular.

- Can I have it back now, Rita? - Right, last one.

I don't want you shitting yourself again.

I am not mopping you out of this salon.

Oh, that was an accident.

That grouting has never been the same since.

I can still smell it. I've still got it right up here.

SADIE BABBLES

- Hi! - Hi.

Um, do you have any balloons that say "happy first birthday"

but also "happy 56th birthday"?

She's having a joint do with her grandad.

Er, well, these balloons are very popular.

They keep their tumescence for up to six months.

Why?

- I think we'll just take a 1, a 5 and a 6. - Okey dokey.

Oh, you're so cute!

- So, I can't do that pre-party lunch on Friday any more. - Oh.

Are you getting your nails done?

Do NOT go to my lady.

They were so sharp last time, I could have climbed a tree.

It's not that.

I actually have a job interview.

Oh, my God, babe! About...time!

Well, go on, then. Tell me.

It's marketing.

It's well paid. It's flexible.

It's family friendly. They have a creche!

A normal one - not one with bathmats and rice.

Yeah. I mean, I probably won't get it, but...

Yeah, you will. We'll manifest it!

Give Gemma the job! Give Gemma the job!

Give Gemma the job!

- I actually really, really do hope I get it. - Aw.

But how am I going to tell Rita?

She'll understand.

Like you said, the only way to get promoted at the salon

is by stabbing her in the neck with a pair of barbering scissors.

Did I say that?!

I've been dealing with my rage towards Lance by watching

a lot of true-crime documentaries.

Um, do you want curls on your balloons?

- Keep those away from me. - Keep those away from her.

Oh! He looks well there, doesn't he?

Malaga's a wonderful place, Malcolm.

You and Gem should visit.

And Jess. I can't wait to finally meet her.

She's got a hot tub.

Did you know that Malaga is known as Europe's hot tub?

- No. - Yeah.

So, you know, me and Dad lived together

until we had a massive bust-up a few months ago.

- Did you often fall out? - Loads. Yeah.

- He was a difficult sausage, wasn't he? - Yeah.

Did he ever use words like...

..pathetic and disappointment? Like, "You're a pathetic disappointment."

All the time, Malc! Yeah, all the time.

You know, Dad got me to guarantee some business loan.

And I paid the rent. And all his medical bills.

Not that I mind, of course.

You don't when it's family, do you, Malc?

I half hoped there'd be something here to cover it all!

TOMMY LAUGHS

You haven't taken it out of the boxes, have you?

No!

Seems like the only thing to his name was...that Jag.

Of course, he never let me drive it.

Lucky old you, eh?

I've not been able to sit in it

- since he passed, you know? - Right.

- Oh. - I don't know why I'm upset.

He was horrible.

Yeah, but he was our dad, wasn't he?

SOBBING

He was.

- I thought he'd have something sexy lying around! - Hey?

Oh.

It's what he would've wanted.

There you go. All right.

It's...It's probably not a lot.

CHUCKLES SOFTLY

POURING

To John Richard Moscrip.

A complicated old tosser.

To Jackie.

MALCOLM COUGHS

Yummy!

- Oh, God. - Oh. Another late one with Tommy?

Yeah. We had a really nice chat, though.

Good.

And then we watched John Wick 4 on his phone.

You know, it's so good to know that it wasn't just me

who had a rough time with me dad.

Oh, no, he was an arsehole to Tommy, too?

Yeah. He was awful!

- Happy Birthday, Dad! - Oh! Ha-ha!

This is from Sadie.

- You'll get mine later at the party. - Thank you, darling!

She painted it herself!

I did the writing. Her penmanship is abysmal.

Let's have a look, shall we? What have you...?

Oh, God, I love it.

He loves it, Sades.

- Look, it's got my name on it. - Yeah.

That's great. Oh, look, and this is for you.

Happy birthday, little one.

GEMMA GASPS

What have we got, Sades?

Oh, my God.

"Sadie Martha Moscrip."

Oh, Dad, I love that!

Solid gold as well.

Oh, and, er, got you this.

DOOR BUZZES

- OK. - Hang on.

Isn't that gorgeous, Sades?

What's this?

Tommy? Yeah, I'll buzz you in.

Dad?

Yeah, it's...it's 300 quid.

I want to open up a saving account in Sadie's name,

you know, and I thought that could be the first deposit.

Feliz cumpleanos!

That's Spanish for happy birthday.

TOMMY LAUGHS

Delighted to spend the day with my best-ever brother.

Los dos hermanos.

The two Hermans.

- You look fabulous, Gemma. Doesn't she, Malc? - Mm.

Could have given us a heads-up

that the party was formal dress.

- Oh, no. - No, no, no, no, Gemma's got a job interview this afternoon.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

Well, a nice man or lady will ask me questions and, if they like

my answers, they'll give me money in exchange for my time and soul.

Could change me and Sadie's life, if I get it.

- You'll get it. - Yeah, 'course you will, babe.

- Do you want my advice? - Oh, yep. Be yourself.

Christ, no. Lie through your teeth.

- They've got a problem and you're the solution. - Yeah.

And maybe rub yourself with freshly baked bread.

- People love the smell. - Isn't that a tip for selling houses?

Can't hurt.

- Right. OK. - Good suggestion, Malcolm. Good suggestion.

- I've left the bag in for you. - Lovely cup of tea.

Would you like some branded tap water?

No, thanks.

ALERT CHIMES

Oh.

Dustin'll see you now.

- Third floor, office five. - OK.

It's a bit quiet, isn't it?

Yeah. Most people work from home on a Friday.

Not me, though.

- Never me. - Oh.

Did somebody order face paints?

I can do tigers or zebras,

but if anyone wants a unicorn, they can F off.

I'm not drawing a load of knobs on children's heads.

It's not right.

Hello, birthday boy.

You can come over and paint my face later, if you like.

DOOR OPENS

Hello, Sadie, love!

Here we go.

Happy birthday, King.

And before you ask, yes, I have got you a super-awesome pressie

and, no, it is not another fucking novel about old ladies

- who solve crime. - Oh, I love them!

No, you don't, Malcolm!

Derek, I'm thinking about giving Tommy the Jag.

Are you absolutely fucking insane?

No, look, my dad left him with loads of debts

and he always paid for everything, so I just thought it'd be nice.

Malcolm, have you got any actual proof he's even your brother?

Well, his email is tommymoscriplovesnachos@hotmail.com.

So fucking what?

Oh and I've seen his driving licence.

Yeah, cos those are so impossible to fake.

Check this out.

Meet Randy Mondozo, Jebediah Fountain,

Laertes McKenzie-Reid.

Is that, like, made-up names?

Well, do you want to say that to Jebediah's face?

Cos he will fucking slap you down, mate.

He's from France.

Look, you have to think about these things, big dog. OK?

I bet I can internet-detective Tommy's arse in under three seconds.

Aha! There you go. See? "Tommy Moscrip,

"pictured with father Jackie outside famed Malaga bar..."

Oh, that looks real, actually.

DOOR OPENS

There he is!

Blimey, Malcolm, you smell amazing.

I swear he's ageing backwards.

Have you lost weight?

Well, I just didn't have any breakfast.

I'll take those for you.

OK, if he is your brother, something is up,

cos there is no fucking way he likes you that much.

- Where are the car keys? - In me pocket.

If you give him that Jag, Malcolm,

I will disavow you.

- Don't make me disavow you on your birthday. - OK.

- What does disavow mean? - Don't know. I heard it on a film. - Oh.

WHEEZING

Um, is this part of the interview?

Oh, my God. Help!

Help! Oh, my God.

I don't know how to use this!

"EpiPen, pull off blue safety cap,

"hold orange tip, inject into thigh."

Trousers on or off?

Trousers on or off?

Right. Lie down.

I don't...want to touch him...

..or it.

Er...

HE CONTINUES WHEEZING

OK. Inject into thigh.

HE GASPS

Thanks.

I sat on a bee.

I'm Gemma, by the way. I'm here for the marketing interview.

You didn't need to take my trousers off.

Well, I didn't know if it would work without...

It does say on the label.

It's quite small writing - I was in a bit of a hurry.

- Yeah. Just for future reference. - Trousers...

- Stay on. - Yeah. - Great.

- Do you want that back? - Thank you.

Um...

..my husband's away...

..so the laundry's not been done...

- ..hence the trunks. - Oh.

This the right place for the birthday party?

Oh, yeah.

Jebediah Fountain booked the superhero show for, erm...

..little Malcolm Moscrip?

Yep, yep, yep. Thank you. Changing room's over there.

Thanks. Cheers, mate. Off you go.

- Isn't that...? - Yeah.

That's my pressie to you. Correct.

- What, a superhero show? - It's much more than that, Malcolm.

Much more.

Go and play with Sadie. And behave!

Happy birthday!

The blue one's for you. I know - so cliche.

- You'll never guess what it is. - Um...

- It's lip balm! - Oh. - Yeah.

CHILDREN SHOUT

How much of the play equipment's bolted to the floor?

- None of it, I don't think. - Fuck.

Don't tip it over! Don't tip it over!

Oh, Winnie!

Coats are over there.

Pressies are on the side.

- Ooh, squash! - Sorry, you are?

I'm Dr Rush. I'm Gemma's GP.

Oh. Do you know anybody else here?

Er, no.

But, thankfully, I'm a hoot once the sambuca starts flowing.

Nope. Nope. Go on, shoo.

Er, there's squash on the side.

Yeah, she'll find it, Malcolm.

So...

..do you have any marketing experience, Gemma?

Just cos it says here that your current role is...

..sweeping up hair.

Well, actually, I'm on maternity leave.

But, yeah, when I'm back,

me and the broom, we're like this.

SHE CHUCKLES

There's been an admin error.

I don't know how you've slipped through the net,

but this position's not for you.

Please.

Why do you even want this job?

Because I love marketing.

Nobody loves marketing.

OK.

I didn't really want a proper career.

Yeah.

But then I had a baby

and, all of a sudden, there's this helpless creature

who needs me to look after her

and, you know, that's all on me.

Ambulance, please.

Are you OK?

EpiPens wear off, unfortunately.

- But please do carry on. - Right.

So, yeah, there's this fire inside me now...

Jackson House, Stockport, Whitfield & Hitchins Marketing.

- Uh-huh. - ..and I just...

..I want to provide a better life for my baby...

..and for me...

..and this job, it would be the first step.

Anaphylaxis. EpiPen administered, but the effects are starting

to wear off. Thank you.

And I really would give everything I've got to you

and this company.

I just need someone to take a chance on me.

It's a great pitch.

It's exactly the sort of spirit we're looking for, actually.

Unfortunately, you are still underqualified for the job.

But, look, there is a junior position in our Glasgow office.

I think you'd be perfect for it.

Glasgow?

Yeah. Do you want it?

Yeah, I do. I really want it.

Oh, well, congratulations, Gemma.

You've just joined the rat race.

I'm going to get in the recovery position now.

Um, if you could just wait in reception for the ambulance

and let them know I'm up here, please.

So, I did get the job?

Affirmative.

She's like Gemma.

Don't you think? It's her eyes. Yeah.

- Oh! - Oh! - Happy birthday, baby girl!

Hey. How did it go? How was the interview?

Yeah. I got offered a job.

Oh, great! Congratulations!

Yeah, it's in Glasgow...

Right.

..which is why I turned it down.

What do you mean, you turned it down?!

Yeah, well, I accepted it at first, but then

called them back on the drive here.

I can't leave you lot.

- Gem! - Er, excuse me!

A little bird told me that you were looking for a job with

"career prospects".

You should have said!

Let ME train you up. I can get a grant to send you to college.

You could be the next Nicky Campbell.

Nicky Clarke?

Hmm. Even better.

- BOMBASTIC MUSIC - Oh! Here you are. They're coming.

Here you are! Come on.

Come on.

All right, boys and girls!

Who likes superheroes?

Malcolm does!

- No, he doesn't. - I do, I do. I do, Derek! I love 'em.

OK. I am the legally distinct American Captain.

Dilf Rogers.

But it's not just me today. You won't like him.

Please welcome The Honk!

Rarrrrr!

Rarrrr! Honk punch!

Punch Honk. Punch Honk.

Little Honk, punch. Honk, punch.

Honk, elbow, punch.

That's also working for me.

Why? Why is it working for me?

Jesus, do I know you at all?!

Er, Gemma, can you be quiet, please?

Have you no respect for the arts?

Cherry.

No.

Our story begins...

..in space!

Once upon a time in a planet not so far from this one...

CHILDREN GIGGLE

Wait, where's the cake?

- What? - Well, you did get one, then?

I thought you were being all modern.

No. It was on the side in the kitchen.

Is it a woke flavour?

Oh, my God, what would be a woke-flavoured birthday cake?

Red velvet.

- Fuck sake! - Look, I'll...I'll go and get it. Just you enjoy the party,

all right?

Rita, stop it.

CLATTERING

CLATTERING CONTINUES

What's going on, Tommy?

Malc!

What are you doing?

You know I deserve that fucking car more than you do.

I put up with Dad's shit for years.

So, you thought you'd steal from us?

Well, from Sadie?!

Where are the car keys, Malcolm?

I've got a flight to catch

and a dealer waiting to take it off my hands.

Derek's got them.

So I-I could call him and then he'd come round, eh?

So, what do you think about that?

Yeah.

You're just like our dad, aren't you?

Yeah.

We're both cursed with that one, Malcolm.

- What do you mean? - You heard Gemma. She turned that job down

because of you. Could have been a ticket to a better life.

But, no, she's stuck here with her sad old man.

No, that's not what's happening.

I spent 20 fucking years with our dad!

I hated him towards the end.

Yeah, well, I won't let you steal off Sadie!

- No, you don't. - Argh!

Don't! Argh! Tommy!

Don't.

You have no idea what a gift he gave you.

He got out your fucking way.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

That's what he did.

# And there is nowhere left for your head to turn

# Yeah, there's nowhere left for your head to turn

# History repeating

# But without the learning

# And yet they spend their energy

# Coming for anybody who doesn't get it right

# Who really gets it right?

# And I'm a ghost

# It's a machine

# And now they're following where I've been

# What are you looking for?

# I'm just like you, but boring

# And in the end, I'm coming clean

# I've spent my whole life lying

# About the things I want

# About the things I should have done... #

Why is birthday boy taking so long?

ENGINE STARTS

Dad...

..what are you doing?

You'd have taken that job if it hadn't have been for me,

wouldn't you? I'm holding you back.

Don't be stupid!

You said it would've changed your life.

Yeah, but I don't want to change it.

I want to grow it, here, with you.

You're just saying that, aren't you?

Oh, God!

Now I wish I'd got you therapy for your birthday instead of

that very lovely jumper that's waiting for you inside.

I can't do this without you, Dad.

I need you.

You know I love you?

I know.

We love you.

And I love you too.

- Shall we go back into the party? - Yeah.

Rita wants me to paint her face.

I'll bet she does.

GROANING

Oh, my God!

Can you lot keep the noise down?!

Oh, you all right, Brenda?