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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,760 --> 00:00:05,560 The Cutter by Echo & The Bunnymen 2 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:10,360 So, let's firm up those plans, then, eh? 3 00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:14,840 You, me, a bottle of pop and a large fish supper. 4 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:16,800 What about the kid? 5 00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,080 What, Malcolm? 6 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:21,360 I suppose I can ask 'em to stick a saveloy in, as well. 7 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:23,680 I mean, he's not gonna be there, too, is he? 8 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:24,760 Not again?! 9 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,000 I've bought him a Walkman. 10 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:27,400 He can't hear a thing, I promise. 11 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,960 MUSIC BLASTS ON HEADPHONES 12 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,120 You can make as much noise as you like. 13 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,240 Jackie Moscrip, you're a terrible father. 14 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:35,720 Yeah. But I'm a great... 15 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:37,120 I'll see you Saturday. 16 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:39,440 Both of you. 17 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:45,560 HE EXHALES 18 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:53,160 They really are the most glorious things in the world, Malcolm. 19 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:56,200 Forget the flowers. 20 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:59,320 When I die, I want that church filled with beautiful women. 21 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,560 Wall-to-wall stone foxes. 22 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:02,760 No pigs. 23 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:05,680 And no eulogy. 24 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,040 Come on. 25 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:11,200 # Conquering myself until... # 26 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:12,400 So that's why it would be great 27 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,240 if you could come to my dad's funeral. 28 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,800 I don't think so. 29 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:16,840 Sorry. 30 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:19,600 Have you got any mates? 31 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:29,320 Are you sure you want me to do all these baps with Lurpak, Gemma? 32 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:30,880 It's very expensive. 33 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:32,440 Just use what's in the fridge. 34 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:34,560 All I'm saying is I can do you a mix of spreads - 35 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:37,840 it'll bring the cost down without necessarily diminishing the taste. 36 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,880 You know, the key thing is to, erm, whip the Stork up, 37 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:43,000 add a bit of salt, a tiny bit of lard, 38 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:46,640 and then add whatever butter of your choice before rounding it out. 39 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,400 Will you just use what's in the fridge? 40 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,760 I could save you up to £2, Gemma. 41 00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:52,240 I don't care about £2. 42 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,320 And that attitude is why you'll never be a businesswoman 43 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:56,000 and I'm the OG boss bitch. 44 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,440 HE SNIFFS 45 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:00,400 HE MUMBLES 46 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:00,400 Dad... 47 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,160 How are you feeling? 48 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,440 I've still not managed to get any beautiful women 49 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:05,920 to come to the funeral. 50 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,880 RITA GUFFAWS 51 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,880 Oi, cheeky! 52 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,160 I'll be there. 53 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,160 RITA GIGGLES 54 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:12,040 I killed him, and then I let him down. 55 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,080 Oh, my God, you need to stop this. 56 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:15,480 You didn't kill him - 57 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:17,640 he was on the list for a triple heart bypass. 58 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,360 Those pills were the only things keeping him alive. 59 00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:22,760 And you've written such a lovely eulogy. 60 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,240 He always said he didn't want one. 61 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,200 Well, I bet he didn't want Rita's mad sandwich spread either, 62 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:27,560 but that's what he's getting. 63 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:28,800 Look, you've done the hard part, 64 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,000 now you just need to read it out. 65 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,240 Mmm, you'll just... 66 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:32,920 - You'll say something nice, though? - FRONT DOOR SHUTS 67 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,280 Nobody wants to hear the truth at a funeral. 68 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,480 Morning! 69 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,880 Here you go. One eulogy. 70 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:42,520 Oh, I changed the font from Impact to Times New Roman. 71 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:43,880 Felt like the respectful thing to do. 72 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,600 That's perfect. Thanks, mate. 73 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:46,720 Go on, mate. Go cry it out. 74 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:47,960 Oh, can I have one of those? 75 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,000 I skipped breakfast. 76 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,520 I've been fasting. 77 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:51,760 I found a rat in my bread bin. 78 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:53,800 - Ew! - Excuse fingers. - Oi! 79 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:54,880 These are for Jackie. 80 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,360 I hate to break it to you, ladies, but Jackie is... 81 00:02:58,800 --> 00:02:59,840 Fine! 82 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:05,040 Fucking hell, you get less food at a mafia funeral. 83 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:07,240 Unless of course you've invited all of Jackie's exes - 84 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:08,320 in which case, there's not enough. 85 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:11,120 You pig! Gemma's been working really hard on that buffet all week! 86 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,880 - Oh! - HE MOANS SENSUALLY 87 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:15,160 HE PANTS 88 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,640 I can put them back if you want. 89 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:20,480 He is such a bellend. 90 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,440 Comments like that only make me stronger. 91 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,440 HE MOANS 92 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,080 Ew! 93 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,440 Isn't he a terror?! 94 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:28,560 RITA CHUCKLES 95 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,000 RITA CLICKS TONGUE 96 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,000 Disgusting! 97 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:33,920 Shit. 98 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,000 Shit! 99 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,680 Oh, jogging bottoms at a funeral, eh? 100 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:39,360 I admire the sentiment, king. 101 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:40,680 One last "fuck you" to the old man. 102 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:41,840 I'm not doing that! 103 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,440 Why would you think I was doing that? I'm not doing that! 104 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,040 Relax, Malcolm, it was a JK. 105 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,480 This is the last thing I'll ever get to do for him. 106 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:50,400 And I just want today to be appropriate, all right? 107 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,400 And I thought I'd bought a suit from the charity shop 108 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,720 and I can't find it now! 109 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,000 I mean, what if didn't buy it, eh? What if I just dreamt it? 110 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,520 - Gemma! - Fucking hell. 111 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,800 - You yelled? - I got a suit from the charity shop, didn't I? 112 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:02,720 Yeah, I took it to the dry cleaners, like you asked. 113 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,080 Well, where is it now? 114 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:06,000 Probably still there. I gave you the receipt. 115 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,240 Did you? I can't find... I've lost the receipt. 116 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:09,440 I've lost the receipt! 117 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,840 Dad, it's fine. You've got loads of time, OK? 118 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:13,720 You can go down there now and just give them your name. 119 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,240 - What? - It's Malcolm Moscrip. 120 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:16,920 I can write it down for you, if you want. 121 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,360 Gemma, do you have any fancy bowls? 122 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,600 What kind of bowl? 123 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,840 Well, I wanted to decant the coleslaw from the plastic tubs 124 00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:25,600 into something nice, show a bit of respect. 125 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,920 Oh, that's lovely! I can use that. 126 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,240 That's an ashtray. 127 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,640 That was my grandad's. 128 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:31,880 It's fucking filthy, is what it is. 129 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,480 Yeah, I can wash it, Gemma! 130 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:34,880 If I have to. 131 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:36,000 He's dead now, of course. 132 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,640 Will you use a normal bowl, Rita? 133 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:39,840 Yeah, but I can't find any. 134 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:42,040 Ooh, I could decant it into a mug! 135 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:45,760 No. We're not serving coleslaw from a mug at my grandfather's wake. 136 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:47,280 You know what I've just realised? 137 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:51,280 I'm finally an orphan. 138 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:54,360 Dad. 139 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,160 Right, you take him to get his suit. 140 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,480 Roger that. Come on, Little Orphan Annie. 141 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,760 It starts in 86 minutes, doesn't it?! 142 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:02,600 Yeah, we'll meet you at the crematorium. 143 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:03,880 OK? 144 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:03,880 MALCOLM SOBS 145 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,720 And, Rita? I'll find you something for the coleslaw. 146 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,240 Something fancy. 147 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,320 Mariah Carey there won't let me have a mug. 148 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:11,520 DEREK CHUCKLES 149 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,160 For your grief. 150 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,720 Ah, you sexy little bitch. 151 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:26,840 Whoo! 152 00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:28,200 Can we go in yours? 153 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:29,960 Why? 154 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,400 It's nicer, isn't it? 155 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,920 Than the Jag? No, it fucking isn't. 156 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:36,520 Surely, you want to arrive in your dad's classic car. 157 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:37,720 It was his pride and joy. 158 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,560 I can't. 159 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:42,360 If I drive it, it means he's really dead, doesn't it? 160 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,720 Malcolm, I think the fact that we're setting fire to him later 161 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,920 is enough to suggest that he's really dead. 162 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,240 Look, it's been over a month. 163 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:52,920 You've got to drive it sometime, king. 164 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,720 Yeah, well, I will! Just not today, all right?! 165 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,840 Jesus! All right. 166 00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,720 Such a baby. 167 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:05,560 Good girl. Ooh, can somebody help us? 168 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,920 - You all right? - Yep... - Oh, God! 169 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,840 Mm-hm. Sounded like a sloppy one. 170 00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,520 All right, you just don't get any on you. 171 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:12,600 I'll take care of this. 172 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,080 - Hiya. - Thanks, babe. 173 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:18,120 Oh, God! You are a stinky bum today, hey? 174 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,400 Oh! 175 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:28,040 Oh, Sadie didn't shit herself on purpose! 176 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:33,280 I just wish I'd taken more photos of her and Grandad when... 177 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:34,560 Aw, luvvie. 178 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,880 - Now it's too late. - No, it isn't. 179 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,520 Don't say that. It's never too late. 180 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,120 Rita, it is too late. 181 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:45,520 They can do anything with computers these days, Gemma. 182 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:48,120 If you want, I can get you a picture of Sadie, Jackie, 183 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:51,080 Jesus and Freddie Mercury, you know, 184 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,480 all inside a barn that's floated out to sea. 185 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,720 I know someone that can do that. 186 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:58,120 You know, and not just photos. 187 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:02,120 I could get that image printed on a mouse mat for you. 188 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:03,960 A mouse mat. 189 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,880 Imagine that, eh? 190 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,920 - No. - Oh, can you have another look, please? 191 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,800 There isn't anything under the name Malcolm Moscrip. 192 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,240 I have a photographic memory. 193 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,880 What, and you put that to use in a dry cleaners? 194 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:31,000 I also do alterations. 195 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,600 Are we sure this is the right place? 196 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:35,720 PHONE VIBRATES 197 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,040 What is it? 198 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,880 We're at the dry cleaner's and they haven't got my suit! 199 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,800 Which one did you take it to? 200 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,040 The one on Mayford Road. 201 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,000 A dick called Johan works there. 202 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:45,200 Is your name Johan? 203 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,880 - Yes. - And are you a dick? 204 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,560 Do you see any customer service awards in front of me? 205 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:52,640 They haven't got my suit, so what am I gonna do? 206 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,480 OK, can you sort this out yourself? 207 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:59,720 Look, it's my dad's funeral in an hour. 208 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:01,840 Have you got anything? Anything? Please. 209 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,880 I have a something that might fit. 210 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:15,320 It's not black. 211 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:16,840 OK. 212 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,480 Hiya, Cat. 213 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:39,040 Catherine! Cat! Catkins. 214 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,160 Oh, Gary-bear! 215 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:44,640 Gary, did you get taller? 216 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,400 Oh, it's the pins in my legs. 217 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,280 I might get my arms done, too. 218 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:50,840 Can you imagine being able to reach things before other people? 219 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,040 Amazing. 220 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:53,280 Yeah. 221 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:56,120 I gotta say, Gemma, thank you so much for sorting all this. 222 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,440 What? 223 00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:00,480 - Cat said you'd come through on the day release. - Hmm. 224 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,920 You hid Grandad's heart pills, didn't you? 225 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,160 Don't even joke about that! 226 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,720 We'll tell the baby, Auntie Gem-Gem moved heaven and Earth 227 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,120 to make their conception possible. 228 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:13,000 - Right, and special thanks to Grandad Jackie. - Oh! 229 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:16,200 Who sacrificed himself so our baby could be. 230 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:17,480 Fucking hell! 231 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:18,920 Ahem! 232 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,840 - Oh, yeah, this is Suki. - Yeah. 233 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,080 Prison officer. 234 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:26,120 My job is to help Catherine make correct decisions today. 235 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:27,640 Or else. 236 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,640 - Pow, pow, pow! - Ooh! 237 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,640 CATHERINE CHUCKLES 238 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,720 I've missed you so much, Cat. 239 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:35,800 - Aw! - I'd let you push me off a million fire escapes. 240 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:38,240 So things are properly back on with you two, then? 241 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:41,960 - Yeah. - Catherine explained it was a crime of passion. 242 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,160 She's always been very passionate. 243 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,000 - Yeah. - Not the word I'd use to describe her, but, OK. 244 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,080 Shut up. 245 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:50,320 Catherine! Oh. Oh! 246 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,160 Dad, what the hell are you wearing? 247 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,200 Well, the dry cleaners lost my suit, didn't they? 248 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,040 So you borrowed one from RuPaul? 249 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:57,520 Er, I think Dad looks magnificent. 250 00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:58,720 Oh, thanks, love. 251 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,640 Hey, it didn't look so bright in the bag, did it? 252 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:02,400 - It did not. - Come here! 253 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,360 Oh, ha, bums. 254 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:07,640 Sorry, Dad, I've used up all my hugs for today. 255 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,440 It's prison rules. 256 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,240 Oh, right, well... 257 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,080 What if I forget how to talk? 258 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,840 You know, I've ready gone a bit dry. 259 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,080 Have I gone dry? 260 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:18,920 Dad, no. It's a beautiful eulogy. 261 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,360 Thanks. I better go and practise. OK? 262 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,360 There is no way you think Dad looks good in that suit. 263 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:26,760 Oh, yeah? 264 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,120 Prove it. 265 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:45,880 MALCOLM SNIFFLES 266 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,320 MOURNFUL PIANO PLAYS 267 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:01,520 You know, my dad never cried. 268 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:03,440 Not even when he sliced his toe off 269 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,400 kicking that samurai sword. 270 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:07,080 Just different people, aren't you? 271 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,160 - Hi! - Hi. 272 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,160 MESSAGE CHIMES 273 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:11,360 I'm sorry. 274 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,640 Why? What have you done? 275 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,040 For your loss. 276 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,160 Yeah. 277 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,080 Missed you. Thanks for coming. 278 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:23,840 What is it? 279 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,280 Your Auntie Jess, she's not going to come. 280 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:28,800 Aw, Dad. 281 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:32,000 Yeah, well, they had a tough relationship, you know? 282 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:35,240 - Yeah. - Well, I think she thought he was a bit judgmental. - Mm-hm. 283 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:36,600 Oh, but I'd hoped she'd come. 284 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:37,960 MESSAGE CHIMES You know, just for me, but... 285 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,960 - I'm sorry. - Oh, look. 286 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,640 Here's a message from Tyrone. 287 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:45,800 - Oh, God! - Oh, God, that's not very nice, is it? 288 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,640 Right, I think it's time to kick off. 289 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,400 Oh, no, sorry, we've... we've got to wait for the celebrant. 290 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,600 Well, hello. Who do you think I am? 291 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,040 Francis. I'm your... 292 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:55,480 ..your celebrant super sub. 293 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,640 I'm afraid your guy had a tiny bump on the A34 this morning. 294 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,160 Is he OK? 295 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:01,480 Yeah. 296 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,480 He did manage to WhatsApp me some very comprehensive notes 297 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,440 while he was waiting to be cut out of the wreckage. 298 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:06,960 Erm... Such a pro. 299 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,240 Where are my glasses? 300 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:11,760 HE CHUCKLES 301 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:14,640 Ooh! 302 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:15,880 Ah, silly old Francis. 303 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,040 I-I think we need to get on. 304 00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:21,120 - Yeah. - Great. 305 00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:28,120 Who's that dick? 306 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,120 "John Richard Moscrip - 307 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,880 "Jackie, to his friends and family..." Mmm. 308 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:47,320 "..was a devoted and loving father to Malcolm and Jessica..." 309 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:48,640 Who's not here. 310 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,360 "..and adoring grandfather to Catherine..." 311 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,280 Yes! Top of the list. 312 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:54,840 - Made it. - Well done, baby girl. 313 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,720 "..Gemma and... 314 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,160 "Mice?" What...? Does that say Mice? 315 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:00,560 Mia. 316 00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,200 That's my sister's daughter. 317 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,160 Mia? What, that's a name, is it? 318 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:05,480 - Yes. - Hmm! 319 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,720 Do you know, I've never heard that name before. Wow. Mi... 320 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:08,960 Mia? 321 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,480 Huh. You learn something new every day. 322 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,160 Mia. Mia. Mia! 323 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:13,720 I like it. 324 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,640 Actually, I really like it, yeah. 325 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,280 Right, back to Jackie. 326 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,640 "Very recently, he'd become a great-grandfather to..." 327 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,520 - Whoo. Scrolled past it. - Sadie. - "..Sadie." 328 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:24,280 Yeah, now... now, I do know that name. 329 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,800 Well, Sexy Sadie. Isn't it? 330 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,240 Is she sexy, your Sadie, hmm? 331 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,240 MALCOLM SOBS 332 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,240 She's a year old. 333 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,680 Ah. 334 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:35,240 Anyhoo, "Malcolm Moscrip will now say a few words 335 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,000 "about his dear dead dad." 336 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,520 You've got it, king. You've fucking got it. 337 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,040 - OK, mate. - Slay. - OK. 338 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,840 Fucking destroy it. Come on. 339 00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,160 My dad, erm... 340 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:02,720 ..Jackie... 341 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,040 There's a lot to say about my dad. 342 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,600 There's a lot I'd like to say. 343 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:18,720 PAPER RUSTLES 344 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,720 He didn't want a eulogy. 345 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,440 He was very firm about that. 346 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,320 And I'd like to honour him in the best way I can, 347 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:30,680 if that's OK with you. 348 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,000 MIC SQUEALS 349 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,000 Thank you. 350 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,080 Oh, shit. 351 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:39,600 OK. 352 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,680 I'm Your Man by Wham! 353 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:57,280 # Call me good, call me bad... # 354 00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,000 - SOBS DROWN OUT SINGING - I'm going in, Gemma. I'm going in. 355 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,320 I can't... I can't do this. 356 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,000 Yes, you can, Malcolm! Yes, you can! 357 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,320 Eyes on me, king, you've got it. 358 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,920 - Am I going in? Am I going in? - Yes! 359 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,120 All right, I'm going in. I'm going in. 360 00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:08,720 I'm going in. I'm going in. 361 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:13,520 # Baby, I'm your man... # 362 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:14,640 Here we go, it's you. 363 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,360 # Don't you know that...? # 364 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:20,600 # Baby, I'm your man... # 365 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,320 We'll go together, we'll go together. Come on. 366 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,800 # If you're gonna do it, do it right 367 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,200 # Do it with me 368 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,080 # If you're gonna do it, do it right 369 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:30,600 - # Do it with me... # - Whoo! 370 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,960 # If you're gonna do it, do it right 371 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:35,000 # Do it for me 372 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,040 - # If you're gonna do it, do it right - Do it right 373 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:38,280 # Do it with me 374 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,960 # Whoo! # 375 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,400 I thought everyone would join in once we hit that second verse. 376 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:46,680 Yeah, me too. 377 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,200 And you wrote that song yourself? 378 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:49,480 Amazing. 379 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,120 I wish you'd told me you were gonna do that. 380 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,600 What, so you could talk him out of it? 381 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,160 Yeah. 382 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,160 MALCOLM SIGHS 383 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:56,920 - Hi. - Hi! 384 00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,640 Wow. That was something. 385 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:02,000 Yep. 386 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:02,000 DEREK, MALCOLM WHISPER 387 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,160 Thanks for coming. 388 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,480 - I'm sorry for your loss. - It's OK. 389 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:07,200 Sorry for your loss. 390 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,160 - Fun I got to keep my clothes on, though. - Yeah. 391 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,800 Oh, you're being so brave. 392 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,320 It's OK, Rita. Thank you. 393 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,600 Oh, please, take your fucking time. 394 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:17,920 You're not the only one incinerating 395 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,320 a family member today, mate. 396 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,680 MUTED CHATTER 397 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,640 There's, erm... 398 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,400 There's quite a lot, isn't there, babe? 399 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,120 Well, yeah, I didn't want people gossiping 400 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,560 about there not being enough food. 401 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,440 But, of course, what they're going to be talking about 402 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,560 is you hiring a chorus line of strippers. 403 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,840 Oh, you make it sound so seedy, Gemma. 404 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,240 You should've seen them at the audition. Oh! 405 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:46,360 Gemma! I can't shake Suki off. 406 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,760 How are me and Gary supposed to go and make a baby 407 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:50,960 if they keep following me around all day? 408 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,280 Maybe this is God's - or HM Prison Services' - 409 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:54,720 way of saying, "Don't bother." 410 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,160 You're having a baby? 411 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:57,480 We're trying. 412 00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:58,760 We're trying to try. 413 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,160 No thanks to Gemma! 414 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,520 Cat, what more do you want me to do? 415 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,360 Draw him a map of where to stick it? 416 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:04,440 Get him hard for you? 417 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,360 Guide him in like cock Air Traffic Control? 418 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:07,840 Don't be so crude, Gemma! 419 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,120 GEMMA GASPS 420 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,320 I think it's a wonderful way to honour your grandad. 421 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,640 Thank you, Daddy. 422 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:13,840 You fucking bitch. 423 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,000 - They weren't at the crematorium. - ..grab one of these. 424 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,200 - So, er, h-how did you know Jackie, then? - Whee! 425 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,200 - Hiya. - Hey, you. - Hey! 426 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,480 Derek's just told me how much they get paid. 427 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,040 Fucking hell! 428 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,120 Have you thought about a career dancing at funerals? 429 00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:28,600 Well, I might have to. 430 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,240 Three months of applying and no bites. 431 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:31,520 I mean, what's wrong with me? 432 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,160 You're a single mum on maternity leave with zero qualifications. 433 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,120 Do you think I should stop putting that on my cover letter? 434 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:37,400 - Maybe. - Yeah? 435 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,320 I don't think they even knew who Grandad was. 436 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:40,640 - No? - No. 437 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,200 I'm gonna get my baps off that woman. 438 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:43,560 OK. 439 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,360 - Have you been with Auntie Cherry? - Right, come on. 440 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,280 MUFFLED CONVERSATION 441 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,880 Giv... Don't! Give me... 442 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,880 MUFFLED PROTESTS 443 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,280 Give! Give! 444 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,040 Hiya. 445 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,320 I love a man in a suit. 446 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,920 What, even this one? 447 00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,080 I wish you'd have asked me to dance for you, Malcolm. 448 00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:00,560 I've got a very taut core. 449 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:02,480 Watch this. Whoo! 450 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,120 Whoa! 451 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,240 - Rita, can I have a word? - Oh, no... - Quick word. 452 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:08,440 - Yeah. - Derek... 453 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:11,360 Will you stop trying to seduce my grieving father? 454 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:12,800 I'm trying to lift his spirits. 455 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,800 Well, his spirits need to stay exactly where they are. 456 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,280 - Gemma? - What? 457 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,280 Can you distract Suki for me? 458 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:21,760 We only need a couple of minutes. 459 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,320 Like 90 seconds, max. 460 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,400 Jesus, Gary's a lucky guy. 461 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,040 I know. 462 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,200 Right, what do you want me to do? And nothing illegal. 463 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:33,640 Right, well, Suki - they really fancy your fit mate. 464 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,240 - Cherry? - Yeah. - Right. 465 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:39,760 So, could you like introduce 'em or summat? 466 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,880 And then me and Gary, we'll slip off to the bogs, 467 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:47,120 make a baby - as is Moscrip family tradition. 468 00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:48,840 Go on! 469 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:51,440 - Fine! - Yes! 470 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,160 Suki, can I introduce you to Cherry? 471 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,880 Oh, God. Yes, please. Ha! 472 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,600 Cherry, this is Suki. 473 00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:59,280 Suki is my sister's... 474 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:00,520 Guardian angel. 475 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,160 - You what? - Just go with it. 476 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,440 Oh, hiya. You are very pretty. 477 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,080 Do you...work with Catherine? 478 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,120 She's in prison. 479 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,320 Cheese twist? 480 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,120 You have not stopped all day today. 481 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:17,800 Yeah, well, I'm just trying to make sure 482 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,760 that everyone's having a really great time. 483 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,880 - At a wake? - I love wakes. 484 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:23,120 I think they're like weddings, 485 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,760 but you just don't have to get anyone a gift. 486 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:26,400 Why don't you sit down and get a glass of fizz? 487 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,320 No, because if I stop thinking about the food, 488 00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:30,000 - then I'll think about my... - Hiya. 489 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,040 Hi, Gary. Where's Cat? 490 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,880 GASPING 491 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,880 No! 492 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:36,080 Gary... 493 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:37,440 SHOUTING 494 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:38,720 Run, my goddess! 495 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:39,760 CROWD EXCLAIMS 496 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,400 I'll find you. Just go! 497 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:42,680 - Love you, Gaz-bear. - You're my world! 498 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,280 - Fucking kill her. - Get off! Get... 499 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,120 Gary, that's not how you make a baby. 500 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,440 SIREN WAILS 501 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,440 Bloody hell. 502 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,320 The food...! 503 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,080 - Right, on your way, Gary. - Malcolm. 504 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,560 Malcolm... 505 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,280 Sorry again, Malcolm, about the table, 506 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,960 and the food, 507 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,920 and your dad. 508 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:04,400 Ah, I should have said "dad" first. 509 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:05,760 Why didn't you say "dad" first? 510 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:12,920 SHE SIGHS 511 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,720 All I wanted was for my dad to have an appropriate send-off, you know? 512 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:21,480 Well, I think we achieved that. 513 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:22,840 HE SCOFFS 514 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,800 Plus we've got a family member on the run now. 515 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,200 - Oh! - He would have loved that. 516 00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:29,440 FAINT CHATTER 517 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:32,200 I just wanted to say - the whole day was great. 518 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:35,160 I mean, a bit weird, but great. 519 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,720 My mum wanted a karaoke machine at her funeral, 520 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,920 got talked out of it by family. 521 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,480 Regretted it ever since. 522 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,920 I'm Elodie. Here's my number. 523 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,200 Yeah? 524 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,200 SHE CHUCKLES 525 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,640 Love the suit, by the way. 526 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,040 Pff! Yeah. Nice. 527 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:51,200 HE CHUCKLES 528 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,400 Like I'm gonna hire her again. 529 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,840 She cost a fortune. 530 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,440 God...! 531 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,440 DOOR SHUTS 532 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,000 DOOR OPENS 533 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:01,640 Oh... Oh! 534 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:03,240 Have I missed it? 535 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,520 I can't believe I've missed it. 536 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,040 There was a crash on the A34. 537 00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:10,680 Malcolm. 538 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,440 Tommy? 539 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,200 Finally, in the flesh. 540 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,520 Well, you're a lot taller than I thought you'd be. 541 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,680 And about ten times more handsome. 542 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:23,000 I mean, how sexy is this guy? 543 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,720 Come on! 544 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,200 Bring it in. 545 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,200 TOMMY CHUCKLES 546 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:29,640 Oh. Oh. 547 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,400 Dad, who's this? 548 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:34,840 It's Tommy Moscrip. 549 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:37,680 Yeah. Jackie's son. 550 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:38,960 The other son. 551 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,840 Dad, you've got a brother?! 552 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,280 Erm... 553 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:45,400 Yeah. 554 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,120 Me. 555 00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:48,680 Yeah. 38446

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