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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:04,400 I'm not saying that I definitely 2 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:06,200 don't want to go back to the salon, 3 00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:09,440 but I have been dabbling with better-paid, other employment. 4 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:12,080 - "Dabbling"? - I've applied for 30 jobs. 5 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,840 God, save some for the rest of us! Jesus! 6 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:15,920 Babe, I haven't got one interview! 7 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:17,600 Why does nobody want me? 8 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:20,640 "But what qualifications do you have, Ms Moscrip?" 9 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:23,960 - "Why, the ones you get free from school." - "Oh, how common!" 10 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:27,240 Excuse me! Excuse me! Sorry. 11 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:29,800 BUZZ OF CONVERSATION 12 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:33,920 Oh, my God! You look amazing! Should I look amazing? 13 00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:36,520 I've been saving Rhyme Time with Rocky until it was really needed. 14 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:38,360 Ah! Excuse me! We're on the list. 15 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:41,600 Excuse me, excuse me, we're on the list. Hiya. 16 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:44,760 - Name? - Oh, Cherry Lewis and Gemma Moscrip. 17 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:47,200 And do you actually have a baby with you? Otherwise... 18 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,520 That baby belongs to both of us. 19 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,200 We are very much in love. 20 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,440 Don't make me report you 21 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,840 to the Equality and Human Rights Commission. 22 00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:58,720 Me and the EHRC... 23 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:00,000 ..are like that. 24 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,920 - Have a lovely Rhyme Time. - Thank you. 25 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:12,760 Rocky's been at this library every week for the past eight years. 26 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,600 He's an institution. 27 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,760 - This has been quite the build-up. - That... 28 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:19,760 ..is Rocky. 29 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:25,600 HE EXHALES 30 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:26,840 Whoa. 31 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,960 TINKLY MUSIC PLAYS 32 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,960 Ah, well, 33 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,960 there's always tomorrow. 34 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,720 HE CHUCKLES 35 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:37,240 BABIES GURGLE 36 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,560 So, to end this session, 37 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:42,680 we're going to hold our babies tight... 38 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:45,840 ..and we're going to tell 'em we love 'em. 39 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,120 I love you. 40 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:48,520 I love you so much. 41 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,280 - Namaste. - Namaste. 42 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,120 Right, can I have my baby back now? 43 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:54,760 Oh, soz. 44 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,280 Come here, you! 45 00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,080 Rocky's captivating, isn't he? 46 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:01,200 Yeah, he is very nice to look at, 47 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,400 but I'm not sure it was entirely necessary for him to be topless 48 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,360 during Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. 49 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:09,600 Skin-on-skin contact is essential for babies, Gemma. 50 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,640 Yeah, he didn't have a baby with him! 51 00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:13,000 SHE GASPS 52 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,240 He's coming over. 53 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:16,440 Oh, my God! What do I look? Give me the baby. 54 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,480 Give me the baby. No, you take the baby. No, I'll take the baby.... 55 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:19,600 - No, you take... - Shush. 56 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,320 - Hi. - Hi. 57 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:24,160 I used to bring my twins to all your sessions, 58 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:27,240 but they've started school now, so I can't bring them any more. 59 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:28,600 Little bastards. 60 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:29,880 Aww... 61 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:32,440 - I love babies, me. - Oh! 62 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:35,800 Yeah, and I love women who carry babies. 63 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,840 There's something about the female body after childbirth that... 64 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:41,600 ..I just find... 65 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,080 HE SIGHS 66 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,680 ..intoxicating. 67 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:45,920 Oh... 68 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:52,640 Oh, my God. 69 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,120 I know. 70 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:55,280 I love him. 71 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:59,080 I baked you these! 72 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:59,080 HE CHUCKLES 73 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,320 It's from a Paul Hollywood recipe, you know, not one by a woman! 74 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:03,680 Yeah, I'll try one later. 75 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:06,240 So, Malcy, are you busy on Friday? 76 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,920 - Evening? No. - How do you know? 77 00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:11,160 Malcolm, the day you have Friday night plans, 78 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,320 is the day I can finally hold my umbrella up, 79 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:16,320 float off into the sky to find some other pathetic loser 80 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,840 to teach in the ways of being a great bloke. 81 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,200 OK, fair enough. 82 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,680 Friday morning. Early. 83 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:24,800 Oh, I'm not sneaking you out of a hotel without paying again. 84 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,560 Took days, last time, for my anxious tummy to recover. 85 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:31,280 The Jag needs a service and the only place I trust with her, 86 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:34,080 is a 50-minute drive into the Peak District. 87 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:35,960 Thought you might like to tag along. 88 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,320 Can I think about it? 89 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:38,840 Nope, doesn't need to. 90 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,080 We're in. 91 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,200 Great. 92 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,960 We should have done something like this years ago, Malcy. 93 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,840 Me and you, the open road, 94 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,000 your pet pillock in the back... 95 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,240 Hey... 96 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:53,560 ROCKY CHUCKLES 97 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:55,960 Mmm... 98 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:58,960 Can I have a word? 99 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:04,880 Yeah. 100 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,240 I just... I can't stop thinking about you. 101 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:09,000 We met three minutes ago. 102 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,280 HE CHUCKLES 103 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:12,960 Are you trying to tell me you haven't had half the mums in here? 104 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,160 No, I never mix business with pleasure. 105 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,720 And you... 106 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,720 ..are all business. 107 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:25,520 You see, only the ripest ladies make their way to Rocky's bed. 108 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:28,080 How ripe am I, exactly? 109 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,960 - You know when a banana's gone really, really brown? - Mm-hm. 110 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,240 That...ripe. 111 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,200 HE EXHALES 112 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,040 So, can I get your number? 113 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:41,440 Hmm? 114 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:42,520 Rocky? 115 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:44,640 Mm-hm... 116 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:46,280 She is your baby. 117 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,400 I don't know why you keep pretending she's not. 118 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,000 - Ah... - Are you going to throw us out on the street again? 119 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:56,760 ALL MURMUR What do you expect us to do, Rocky? 120 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,760 You're her dad! 121 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,240 WOMEN GASP 122 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:01,760 Rocky? 123 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,480 You said you loved me, Rocky! 124 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,560 I don't know... I don't know this woman! 125 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,320 What? 126 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:14,200 So, I've just checked my schedule, and the Peak District is a go-go! 127 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,880 You know what this means, don't you? 128 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:20,120 - Lads on tour! - Lads on tour! 129 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,800 Malcolm in the back! Derek in the front! 130 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,200 - No, I should be in the front! - Shut the fuck up! 131 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,160 Alphas in the front, betas in the back. 132 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:32,040 We don't like sigmas, they go in the boot! 133 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,120 Oh, come on. Cheer up, Malcolm. 134 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:37,280 We're getting to spend time with your awesome dad. Look at him. 135 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:39,240 He's so cool. 136 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,680 - He's not, though, is he? - He fucking is! I think I'm in love with him. 137 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:45,440 - I'd probably kiss him if he asked me. - He's a conman and a... 138 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:46,880 ..and a womaniser. 139 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:50,160 Oh, someone lobbed THAT apple very far from the tree, didn't they! 140 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:54,000 All right, so he was a bit of a dick in the past, 141 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,000 but it feels like this road trip is his way 142 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,440 of trying to reconnect with you. 143 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,200 - You know, like a bit of father-son bonding. - Do you think so? 144 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,640 Definitely, mate. 145 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,720 So, why are YOU coming? 146 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,920 Cos it's a really cool fucking car, Malcolm! 147 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,480 I want to ride in a really cool car. 148 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,800 Jesus! 149 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,480 My God! It was a joke! 150 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:15,680 You humiliated Rocky. 151 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:18,400 He's told the library he's never going back after what you just did. 152 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:21,360 He's a creep who charges 15 quid to sing at babies! 153 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:23,920 - And takes his top off! - Yeah. 154 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,200 Are you telling me you really enjoy all that namaste shit? 155 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,760 I do, actually! 156 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,840 Loads of the mums do. 157 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,120 God, you are so judgmental. 158 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:34,720 And you are overreacting! 159 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,760 My God, what's going on with you? 160 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,560 Lance has filed for a divorce. 161 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,600 Babe... 162 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:47,000 Means he's never coming back. 163 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,680 Do you want him back? 164 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,640 Well, I didn't want to be a divorced mum of two at 25. 165 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,240 Widowed...fine. 166 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,320 I'm so sorry. 167 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:00,040 I just wanted to get dressed up and have fun 168 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,440 and watch a man get his nips out, 169 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:05,120 but you've ruined that cos Rocky's never going back again. 170 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:07,840 SHE SCOFFS 171 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:09,320 How can I fix this? 172 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:10,880 Work it out for yourself. 173 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,560 Oh, look at that view, eh! 174 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,880 Makes you glad to be alive, doesn't it, Dad? 175 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,560 Malcolm, shut up. 176 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,480 Why did you need me so urgently? 177 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:27,680 - Is this about your appeal? - No. 178 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,000 I've decided... 179 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,800 ..I'm going to have one of them. 180 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,440 No, right, listen, 181 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:40,080 they've got a really cushty mother-and-baby unit here. 182 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:44,160 I'm talking single-occupancy cell, en suite. 183 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:45,760 No bars. 184 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,360 - Mother-flipping A-game. - Hmm. 185 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,640 And how are you going to get pregnant in prison? 186 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:54,920 You're assuming that none of the women in here have penises. 187 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,000 OK, JK Rowling. 188 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,360 OK, fair enough.... 189 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,840 Wait, no, that's a terrible idea, no matter whose penis it is. 190 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:04,200 Gemma...! 191 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,680 SHE LAUGHS 192 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:08,360 I'm going to have a baby with Gary. 193 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,600 We've rekindled our relationship. 194 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:14,480 God, you paid someone to push him off a fire escape. 195 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,200 Yes, I did, 196 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:20,480 and it is amazing what that kind of experience can do for a person. 197 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:24,760 Yeah, he is much less pathetic, boring and needy. 198 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:26,960 Gary is great now. 199 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:30,360 He is actually...quite hot. 200 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,800 - Right, well, good for you. - Thanks. 201 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,400 And where do you plan on... You know? 202 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,760 Well, this is where I need you to come up with a plan 203 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,480 to get me some day release. 204 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:40,720 And how am I going to do that? 205 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:44,720 I was actually thinking, maybe, you could have... 206 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,640 ..a pretend wedding... 207 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,040 No! I've got it! 208 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:50,640 Fake funeral. 209 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:53,680 You're an idiot. 210 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,920 Well, I'm not the reason that Rocky had to quit Rhyme Time. 211 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,600 - How the hell do you know about that?! - I told you, 212 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:02,600 I've been hanging out with "The Mums", 213 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,040 and those bitches talk. 214 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,560 Jackie Moscrip! 215 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,560 MECHANIC LAUGHS 216 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,480 Heard you were back in town. 217 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,840 What, the doctor's taking another look under your bonnet? 218 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:18,480 Just visiting... 219 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:20,480 ..with these two morons. 220 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,480 Don't you worry about this beaut, pal. 221 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,920 Yeah, she'll be purring like a kitten 222 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:27,840 by the time I've had my way with her. 223 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,120 Definitely going to rub his knob on the car. 224 00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:32,840 Right, lads, time for some fun. 225 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,080 It's up to you to get us back to Stockport 226 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:36,800 while the Jag's in the garage. 227 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:40,360 - Well, we can do that, no problem, Dad! - Can I borrow a hammer? 228 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,080 Easy. Just call an Uber. 229 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,880 JACKIE GRUNTS, MALCOLM GASPS 230 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,440 - What the fuck, Jackie? I'm on SIM only! - Phone. 231 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:54,920 Obviously, don't give him your phone, Malcolm. 232 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:56,880 You're not going to smash it, are you, Dad? 233 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,280 Don't you trust me, son? 234 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:02,920 HE GRUNTS 235 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,640 I knew you'd do that! 236 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:07,800 Right. 237 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:11,480 I want you two to get us back home using your smarts, 238 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:12,960 your ingenuity, 239 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,880 your survival skills. 240 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,120 - We haven't got any of them! - No phones. 241 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:19,440 Phones have infantilised us. 242 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:21,600 Real men don't need phones. 243 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,720 All of my bank cards are on my phone, you fucking maniac! 244 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,320 Yeah, and he pays for everything, so I didn't bring any money! 245 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:30,760 Was this your plan all along, eh? To keep us stranded on the Peaks? 246 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,240 Your grandad once left me at the top of Scafell Pike 247 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:37,800 with nothing but a compass, three shilling and some woodbines, 248 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,640 and that was the making of me. 249 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:45,240 Yeah, the making of you into a massive arsehole. Am I right, king? 250 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:46,400 No. 251 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:47,680 No, this is good. 252 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,400 I can prove myself to him. 253 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:52,240 Come on! We can do this! 254 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,760 - PHONE RINGS - Oh, get that, will you, Gemma? 255 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,720 Rita, I'm on maternity leave. 256 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,720 I'm not asking you to pick it up with your fanny! Please! 257 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:24,160 Oh, I just wish that my best ever salon girlie 258 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,240 might come back to work... 259 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:27,920 ..maybe a few weeks early? 260 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:30,280 Don't let her rush you, Gemma love. 261 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,240 That baby'll be a middle-aged woman 262 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:35,240 throwing bricks through windows before you know it! 263 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:36,800 How is your Margaret? 264 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:39,640 Oh, the ankle tag's made a world of difference. 265 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,920 - How's my little cherub doing? - Yeah, she's OK. 266 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,320 She had a bit of a cold this week but she's perking up now. 267 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:48,840 - No, I meant Malcolm. - Oh. He's in the Peak District with Grandad, 268 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,840 which is why I need you to look after Sadie for me. 269 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,280 Oh, no! I hope he's OK. 270 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,720 You need to be very careful in the Peak District. 271 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:57,480 - Well, there's no ice. I checked before they went. - Not ice. 272 00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,960 I once saw a roadkill monkey whilst driving through the Peak District, 273 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:04,160 and I've found the whole area deeply unsettling ever since. 274 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,160 - A roadkill monkey? - Yeah. 275 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,480 It obviously escaped from one of the science labs. 276 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,800 Who knows what experiments had been done to it 277 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,240 and what things it had seen? 278 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:14,920 What intelligence it possessed... 279 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,680 - I mean it might have been trying to get help. - Oh... 280 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:19,640 Yeah. 281 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,680 I often think about that little monkey. 282 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,320 - OK. I'll be back in an hour. - Mm... 283 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,480 Do not touch my baby's hair! 284 00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:31,400 Spoilsport. 285 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:39,640 Maybe... Maybe we should get a map or something, eh? 286 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,440 Show him that we're making an effort. 287 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,160 You make loads of effort, Malcolm. 288 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:46,160 You clean his flat once a week, you cook, you do his laundry, 289 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:49,080 and you mainly do this while HE is out shagging! 290 00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:50,480 All right. 291 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:51,920 JACKIE COUGHS 292 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:51,920 Hey, are you all right, Dad? 293 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:55,200 Maybe we should just use your mobile, eh, and phone for a taxi? 294 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,920 Are you giving up already, son? I left my phone at home, 295 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:00,920 and I haven't got any cash on me. 296 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:04,520 We have been walking for an hour, we're totally fucking lost, 297 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:06,640 - and Malcolm is missing a boot. - Yeah, well, 298 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,480 I had to throw something to distract that bull, didn't I?! 299 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,200 Maps! 300 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:14,680 They've got maps! 301 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,600 Wait, it's shut? Why is it shut? Why is it fucking shut?! 302 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,960 It's not even lunchtime? It not even lunchtime! 303 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,200 Open up you lazy, work-shy, country, wanking... 304 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,480 - Hey! Hey! This one's open. - Oh... 305 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,160 SHOP BELL TINKLES 306 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,160 Morning. 307 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,040 Hello, er... 308 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,120 - ..we're looking for a map. - Oh, yes. 309 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,200 We've got lots of maps. What area do you want? 310 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,760 Um, this area that we're currently and presently located in? 311 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,120 Aye. Bit lost, are you? 312 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,400 Why the fuck would we need a map if we weren't lost? 313 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,400 Well, most people buy a map BEFORE they get lost. 314 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:50,960 CHUCKLING 315 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:54,360 - There you go. - Thank you. 316 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,080 - Do you know how to read a map? - I'm 35, Malcolm, 317 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,120 I've literally never used a map in my entire life. 318 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:03,520 - You're 35?! - Do YOU know how to read a map? 319 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,560 Davina read all the maps in our house. 320 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,200 We don't know how to read a map. 321 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,840 The art of map-reading is a long-forgotten skill. 322 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:13,480 Hmm, you don't fucking say. Can Jackie read maps? 323 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,520 Yes, he can. He can do anything, can't he? 324 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:16,920 Cash or card? 325 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:19,760 Oh, good questi-o-ny. 326 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:21,520 Cash or... Run, Malcolm, RUN! 327 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:22,720 SHOP BELL TINKLES 328 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:24,280 I'm sorry! 329 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,920 Run, Dad, run! 330 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:44,880 - Yes? - Hiya, is Rocky in? 331 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,560 Ricky? 332 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:50,560 No, he's not, he's at doctor's having his anal fistulas looked at. 333 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:52,040 You his girlfriend? 334 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,240 No. 335 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,680 In that case, do come in. 336 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:58,280 I'm Sue, his mummy. 337 00:14:58,280 --> 00:14:59,680 Hi, Sue. 338 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:03,320 Yeah, so many girls come calling for my Ricky. 339 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,160 The fistulas are my way of testing 'em. 340 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:07,640 Oh, so he doesn't have them? 341 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,080 Oh, yeah, does, yeah. 342 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,520 He's got loads and loads of them, 70% fistula. 343 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:13,600 Ouch! 344 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,200 And he's not very fond of babies, 345 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,760 if you were thinking of having one with him. 346 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,600 Well, his whole brand is "guy who loves kids"? 347 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,880 He doesn't. 348 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,200 Hates them. 349 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,240 Right. 350 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,320 And he's gay, actually. 351 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,600 Won't go near a vulva, as much as I've tried to convince him. 352 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,360 DOOR CLOSES 353 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,360 Mummy! 354 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,800 - I've hurt my finger on the door again. - Oh, darling. 355 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,200 It's just there. Thank you. 356 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,680 What do you want? How did you find me address? 357 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,640 I paid someone at the library. 358 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,440 They don't give a shit about GDPR. 359 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,240 And I brought you this... 360 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,720 There's protein bars in there. 361 00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:50,360 I mean, I don't know what you like, but assumed. 362 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,080 Oh, well, um... I'll leave you to it. 363 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,320 Yeah. 364 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,320 She seems lovely. 365 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,360 Well? 366 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,120 I came to apologise. 367 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,520 Yeah, you were way out of line. 368 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,360 - You were being sleazy. - Oh! 369 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:09,920 I wasn't being sleazy, 370 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:11,440 I was being poetic... 371 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,200 Ro... Romantic? 372 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,720 Neither of those, I'm afraid. 373 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,520 But I could have just said no. 374 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,520 Please come back to the library. 375 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,840 They all love you there. 376 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,040 Did they say that? 377 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,560 - That they love me! - Yeah. 378 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,760 Who said that? 379 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,080 Everyone. 380 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,320 Hmm. OK. 381 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:44,720 I suppose you think I'm pathetic, living with my mother? 382 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,080 No. 383 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,680 I live with my dad. 384 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:49,200 Yeah, not forever, though? 385 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:50,880 No, not forever. 386 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,640 I bet he doesn't lie about you having anal fistulas, 387 00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,280 so that you never find a partner, and leave him. 388 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,760 Does he do that? 389 00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,680 No. 390 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,480 He does not do that. 391 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:24,560 Can I have three singles to the nearest town, please? 392 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,240 - You need to download the app. - Oh, right... 393 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,120 - Oh, my fucking God, no! - It's a cashless system. 394 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:32,840 What would Bear Grylls do if he had to get the bus? 395 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,240 Bear Grylls doesn't get the fucking bus, Jackie! 396 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:37,200 - He'd pay with snails. - Oh, my God. 397 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:38,440 Can I pay you with snails? 398 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,400 How about you just take this, 399 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:43,480 and then, whatever's left you can have it for yourself? 400 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:46,440 Did you steal it? 401 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:47,880 - Yeah. - No. 402 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:50,680 - OK. - OK. 403 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,920 OK. OK. 404 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,760 Thanks. Here you go, eh? 405 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,400 How long does it take? 406 00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,680 This is the stopping service. 407 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,160 Be there in about two hours. 408 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:02,800 Oh, no! 409 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,520 Oh, fucking no! 410 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:07,680 I'm really hungry. 411 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:12,680 Actually, son, I've got some berries in my pocket. 412 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,120 Don't eat the berries, Malcolm. 413 00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:15,720 Well, if Malcolm ate the berries, 414 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:18,280 then the driver would have to call an ambulance 415 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,520 and that would take us back to Stockport. 416 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:22,320 You'd get us home... 417 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:23,800 ..and that would make me proud. 418 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:43,040 HE RETCHES 419 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:48,080 Spit them out! Come on. 420 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,240 HE CHOKES 421 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:00,040 I am really sorry for not asking about Lance. 422 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:02,760 I know you are. 423 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,840 It's just been a tough few months. 424 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,360 Moving here, selling the house... 425 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,480 Rocky holds space for me. 426 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,600 Well, he's agreed to go back to the library 427 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,000 and I've got something which I think might help 428 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,240 make up for me being such a terrible friend? 429 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,920 Box of doughnuts and some Molly? 430 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:21,160 Nope. 431 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,880 A Rhyme Time Black Card. 432 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,880 CHERRY GASPS 433 00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:27,280 Yep. 434 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,280 You can use it whenever you want. 435 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:30,680 No entrance fees. 436 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,000 No baby required. 437 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:35,760 Oh, my God! I didn't think these actually existed! 438 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,600 Use it wisely. 439 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,640 I'm going to use it all the fucking time. 440 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:43,520 It's not my fault, is it? I just couldn't hold it in, 441 00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,280 and she wouldn't stop the bus. 442 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,360 OK, shut up. 443 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:52,000 According to the driver, the nearest town is over there. 444 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:55,880 JACKIE COUGHS 445 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,800 Are you all right, Dad? 446 00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,800 - I'm fine. Stop fussing. - Hey, are you sure? 447 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:03,240 You look a bit pale. Unless, it's your tan finally rubbing off? 448 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,320 I said, "Stop fussing." 449 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,720 Always...fussing. 450 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:11,600 Cooking, doing me laundry, cleaning... 451 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:15,240 When did you ever see me CLEAN anything?! 452 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,920 It's like having another bloody wife! Pathetic! 453 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:21,320 Well, I just do those things to help you, don't I? 454 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:25,360 You could help me, Malcolm, by being more of a man. 455 00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:27,400 That's all I wanted from today. 456 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,200 I'm going for a piss. 457 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,840 In a bush! 458 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,120 Come here. 459 00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:40,440 Malcolm, at what point 460 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,920 are you going to tell him to go fuck himself? 461 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,280 Never. 462 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:47,800 As your bestest friend, I don't like seeing other people belittle you, 463 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,440 - especially not your father. - Aww, thanks, mate. 464 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,040 No! Just takes the shine off me doing it. 465 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,040 Just such a massive arsehole! 466 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,240 Hey, what are you doing? 467 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:57,360 You can't steal them. 468 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:02,400 We're not stealing these kayaks, Malcolm! They belong to me. 469 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,720 I don't think they do... 470 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,520 HE SHUSHES 471 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,520 They're mine. 472 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,600 They were mine all along. 473 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,120 Grab an oar, king. 474 00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:17,160 We're going on a friendship adventure. 475 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:18,440 Dad?! 476 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:23,520 We'd be going faster if you could paddle, Dad. 477 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,840 I'm not paddling. 478 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,360 Yeah, and just how did you think we were going to get home, Jackie? 479 00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:29,840 Steal a car? 480 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:31,840 Seduce a woman? 481 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:36,840 Get dropped off by a taxi near the flat and run off without paying? 482 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,040 That's... That's not a bad idea, actually. 483 00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,840 Leave it to Malcy, and the day's a disaster. 484 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:45,440 Is that a phone...? 485 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:49,080 You had a phone the entire time?! Fucking hypocrite! 486 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:53,800 You're pathetic, Malcolm. No wonder Gemma wants out. 487 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,360 - What? - Yeah, 'course she does. 488 00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:59,000 She might not say it, but she does. 489 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:02,720 Yeah, she only lets you live with her because she feels sorry for you, 490 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:07,000 - but nobody wants their kid's pity. - Jesus, Jackie, that's a bit harsh! 491 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,000 Yeah, I'm not interested in anything you've got to say either! 492 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:16,240 She deserves a lot better than being stuck with her useless dad. 493 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,120 You're in her way! 494 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,560 Fuck you, Jackie Moscrip! 495 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,240 You've been an awful father to me all my life! 496 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:29,200 Well, the little time you've spent in it anyway! 497 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,000 And you know what, I pity you. 498 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:36,200 Yeah, I pity you, living on your own, 499 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:39,400 conning everyone you come into contact with! 500 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:42,960 Your friends, your family, your girlfriends! Yeah! 501 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,360 Well, my kids want to be near me, because they like me. 502 00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:47,960 Yeah, at least one of them does. 503 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:51,280 You know, I love you, Dad, but I don't like you. 504 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:54,040 So, if you want to be with us - 505 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,360 with me, and Gemma and Sadie, 506 00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:58,600 then things have got to change, do you understand? 507 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:02,760 Hey! 508 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:02,760 WIND WHISTLES 509 00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:03,920 Malcolm? 510 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,440 Dad? 511 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:09,360 Malcolm... 512 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:12,800 Dad! 513 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,040 Oh, fuck... 514 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,720 I love Rita, but I can't sweep up hair until the day she dies 515 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,960 when I'll finally get a go on the scissors. 516 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:29,120 Well, my career plan is to take Lance to the fucking cleaners. 517 00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:31,920 - Cheating arsehole. - Good plan! 518 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:33,800 SHE CHUCKLES, MOBILE VIBRATES 519 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,080 Grandad? 520 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,520 Derek? 521 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:46,160 MALCOLM SOBS 522 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:55,320 I killed him...! 523 00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:56,800 No, you didn't, Malcolm. 524 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,680 The paramedic said it was heart attack. 525 00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,200 - Because I shouted at him. - No. 526 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,720 It... 527 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:06,360 You know what, silver lining, 528 00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:07,800 he was probably already dead 529 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,640 before you dropped your long-withheld truth bomb. 530 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:13,960 - Well, that's even worse! - I know, that's terrible. 531 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:16,160 - Why would you say that?! - Pretend I didn't say... 532 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:17,480 Oh, Gem! 533 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:19,000 - I'm here. - Oh, God... 534 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,320 Oh... 535 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:24,880 What? I'm sad, as well! 536 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,800 I had to prise his fucking eyes open to unlock the phone! 537 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,040 Jesus Christ! 538 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:31,640 Thank you. 539 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:34,720 MALCOLM SOBS 38918

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