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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,320 PHONE VIBRATES 2 00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:10,120 Try and keep him up here. 3 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:14,400 And that. 4 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:27,360 Sadie... 5 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,680 Oh, fucking hell. 6 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,200 PHONE VIBRATES 7 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,200 Go away! 8 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,320 Ah! 9 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:40,720 Not a fan of the squishy banana, then? 10 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,320 Sadie! 11 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,440 PHONE VIBRATES 12 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,520 You look like you could do with a break. 13 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:06,360 Had a lovely rest when I had that filling done last month, 14 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:07,720 so I'm all good. 15 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:11,880 Well, I've got a surprise for you! 16 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,880 Have you booked me in for a root canal? 17 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,880 The three of us are going away for the weekend. 18 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:18,480 What?! 19 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:19,920 Dad! 20 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:21,320 PHONE VIBRATES 21 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:24,720 For God's sake! 22 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:26,240 Who is this? What do you want? 23 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:27,400 Gem? 24 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:28,480 Grandad Jackie? 25 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:31,920 You still living in that little flat, ground floor? 26 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:33,960 Yeah. Why? 27 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,720 KNOCK AT DOOR 28 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,920 Gemma! 29 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:41,640 - Grandad. - Dad? 30 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,800 Ugh, Malcolm. 31 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:45,280 Have you put on weight, son? 32 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:53,320 So, er, why are you back, Dad? 33 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,080 Finally made your way through all the women in the Costa Brava? 34 00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,680 I'm on the run from the Spanish mafia 35 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,720 after getting myself mixed up in a casino heist. 36 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:05,880 I wanted to see my beautiful great-granddaughter! 37 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:09,040 Yes, I did! Yes, I did! 38 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:10,920 Dad, I think I'm going to move these boxes, 39 00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:12,680 cos I don't want them falling on Sadie, you know. 40 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:13,720 Is that all right with you? 41 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,560 Don't be so bloody wet, Malcolm. 42 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,200 I need to keep them here because there's no room 43 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,560 in that tiny little wank pad I'm renting. 44 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,960 Oh, well, you can borrow the flat when we go away. Oh... 45 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:25,000 Away? 46 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:27,760 We're just, er... You know, just having a bit of a break. 47 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,400 - You know, just... - Where are we going? 48 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,320 No, there's not a lot of room, Dad, you know, so we're just... 49 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:33,640 HE COUGHS VIOLENTLY 50 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:36,840 Sorry... 51 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:36,840 CONTINUES COUGHING 52 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:41,000 I-I'll be fine on my own. 53 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,080 Could you just give me my bag? 54 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,520 - Yeah. - I need my pills. 55 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,440 There you go, Grandad. 56 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,000 Thanks. 57 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,920 Dad! Is it really such a bad idea him coming with us? 58 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:55,000 Yes, it's the worst idea you've ever had. 59 00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,160 OK, OK, God, I'll just... 60 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,560 - I'll think about it, all right? - OK. 61 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:02,960 No, that tea's stone-cold. 62 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,280 Hey, let me get you some water, Dad. 63 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,200 Water's disgusting, Malcy. 64 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:10,280 I'm not wasting the last years of my life drinking water. 65 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:11,960 Grandad, water's not disgusting. 66 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:13,920 It doesn't taste of anything. It's water. 67 00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:15,560 Disgusting. 68 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,040 You staying for dinner? 69 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,400 Depends who's cooking. 70 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,200 Mrs Malcy? 71 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:23,360 No chance. 72 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:24,520 Hey! 73 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,880 Dad actually makes really normal food these days. 74 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,920 I could rattle up a spanakopita. 75 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:32,440 I don't know what the fuck that is, Malcolm, but I am not eating it. 76 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,960 So what's the deal with the boxes? 77 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,920 It's a new business venture. 78 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:46,720 Europe's old news - I'm exploring the UK market once again. 79 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,320 Actually, I was wondering if you might like to come in 80 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,800 on this one, Malcy. 81 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:54,400 I've always thought we'd make great business partners. 82 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,520 Me? 83 00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:56,880 Hm. 84 00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:58,960 Yeah, well, I... could be interested. 85 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:00,760 Dad, you don't even know what it is! 86 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,800 Well, it doesn't matter, does it? 87 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,120 What is it? 88 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:07,360 It's an energy drink for ladies called... 89 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:09,600 ..Shoes. 90 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,600 Why is it called Shoes? 91 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,160 Ladies like shoes, don't they? 92 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,320 - Ah. - You see, you buy all these cans from me, 93 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:17,800 becoming the key member of my sales team, 94 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,600 and you sell them on again at a profit, 95 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,000 and I get some of your money, 96 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:25,280 and you get paid by your sales team when they sell them on again. 97 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:27,360 Wouldn't it easier just to sell it to a shop? 98 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:29,240 No. No, Malcolm, never. 99 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:31,160 You must never, ever sell them to a shop. 100 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:32,440 Oh, OK, yeah. 101 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,240 You sell them to someone else, 102 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,440 and they sell them to someone else, 103 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:38,080 and that's how we get paid. 104 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,560 So it's a pyramid scheme? 105 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,280 Shh. I'm about to reel him in. 106 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,280 Well, how much do you need? 107 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:47,000 Dad! No. 108 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,040 And you... 109 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:56,280 He said he's here to see Sadie, but I know there's another reason. 110 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:01,400 Do you think he, er... 111 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:02,920 ..killed someone? 112 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:04,840 No. He's not you. 113 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:07,240 It'll be about a woman or a business deal. 114 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,320 Or both. 115 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:12,200 Oh... You think he hasn't paid up on an "indecent proposal"? 116 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,400 I bet he owes a gangster 5,000 quid for shagging his wife. 117 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,040 CATHERINE GASPS 118 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,320 Oh! 119 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:20,160 Hey, get him to visit me. 120 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,600 Oh, Grandad was always my favourite. 121 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:25,160 Course he was. He's a conman. 122 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,080 As the only other criminal in the family, 123 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,000 I can see why you guys have a lot in common. 124 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,000 Hey, I bet Dad's not happy, though, is he? 125 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,120 No. 126 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,640 He locked himself in the loo for two hours the other day 127 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:37,480 after Grandad smeared baby food on the back of his trousers 128 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,920 then told next door that he'd shit his pants. 129 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:41,840 Oh, that's hilarious. 130 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,560 Dad's booked us a holiday, though. 131 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,280 It's really sweet. 132 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:46,880 Bet it's the caravan park! 133 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,960 It won't be the caravan park. 134 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,000 SEAGULLS SQUAWK 135 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,200 You and Catherine used to love coming here when you were kids. 136 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:53,480 Mm-hm. 137 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:56,200 And Grandad brought me and Jess once, yeah, 138 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,880 with his "friend", Lorraine, from the bookies. 139 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,360 And her sister. 140 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,000 JACKIE CHUCKLES 141 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,400 Look at that view. 142 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:08,680 Name me a hotel anywhere in the world 143 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:10,360 with a better view than this. 144 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:12,120 - There isn't one. - There isn't one. 145 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,160 If we had the weather, this place'd be full of fucking Ruskis. 146 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,000 Right, let's have a look at the luxury accommodation 147 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,240 - you've booked. - OK. 148 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,080 DOGS BARK 149 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,840 HE SNIFFS 150 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,600 Has something died in here? 151 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:49,640 Oh, it just needs a bit of air in, doesn't it, eh? 152 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,160 Crack a window open. 153 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:52,400 Here we go. 154 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,720 Oh, God, maybe not that one. 155 00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:01,320 So I thought, er, Sadie and Gemma could have the mah-ster bedroom. 156 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,000 - Eh? - The master? 157 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,560 Yeah. It's in here. Look. 158 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,320 And, Dad, you and me are in here. 159 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,440 Yeah. It'll be all right. 160 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:14,920 Yeah, it's cosy, innit? 161 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,840 Ah, lovely work, Malcy. 162 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,960 Looked bigger on the website, but, er... 163 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,480 One knife... 164 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,520 ..one frying pan, 165 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,040 and no tin opener. 166 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:28,480 Sorry. 167 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:30,760 Oh, no, Dad, it's brilliant. 168 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:30,760 SADIE BABBLES 169 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,320 Yeah, it's Sadie's first holiday! 170 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:35,000 - It is, isn't it? - It's your first holiday, Sadie! 171 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,040 First holiday with Grandad, is it, yes? 172 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,920 - Oh... - Oh, OK. 173 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,920 JACKIE LAUGHS 174 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,280 - Give her here. - Sorry. 175 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:41,680 You go change your top. 176 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,920 Yeah, erm, the thing is... 177 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:45,760 You know, there wasn't room in the car 178 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,080 once we got all Sadie's stuff in, so I didn't pack a case. 179 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:50,000 You know, I haven't got a change of clothes. 180 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,080 Nothing? Not even pants? 181 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,880 Yeah, I've got pants, obviously! 182 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,440 Got pants, got socks. 183 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,200 And I've got me toothbrush - look. 184 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,920 I just need to remember to scrub my smalls in the morning. 185 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:02,600 Not with the toothbrush, though, eh? 186 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,080 Come on, Dad. 187 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,080 OK, I'll put tea on, shall I? 188 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,120 - Hello! - Egg on toast? 189 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,440 Yeah. 190 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,200 Nope. Egg on egg? 191 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,520 Oh, look, I'll tell you what, why don't we... 192 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,840 Why don't we go to the restaurant, eh? 193 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:18,360 Yeah, look, it says here that it, er... 194 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,000 .."often serves food." 195 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,160 HE COOS TO BABY 196 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,560 Don't make eye contact. 197 00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:38,000 Oh, it smells good, dun't it? 198 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,320 This place is buzzing. 199 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:46,200 Oh, my God, what are they cleaning these tables with, Ribena? 200 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:47,560 This one's good. 201 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:48,960 OK, this one's good. 202 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:54,440 Ooh. Right, well... 203 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,240 Are you ready to order? 204 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:00,960 Yeah. Shall we just do three fish and chips? 205 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,120 And I'll have a coke. 206 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:03,520 Oh, yeah, me too, thanks. 207 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:04,760 Me also. 208 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,400 With two double whiskies poured right on in. 209 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,880 What d'you think of her, Malcy? 210 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,200 Eh? 211 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,640 Oh, she seemed courteous and efficient. 212 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,040 Now, that was suspiciously quick. 213 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:28,880 Erm, may I inquire as to what is this? 214 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:30,200 A plum. 215 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:31,240 A what? 216 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:32,360 A plum. 217 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:33,800 It's a type of fruit. 218 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,040 Yeah, we know what a plum is. 219 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:36,760 Why's it on the same plate as fish and chips? 220 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:38,640 Do you want me to get the cook out here? 221 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,520 Because she's just spent the last hour crying, 222 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,960 and this will just finish her off. 223 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:45,480 Is she as feisty as you? 224 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:50,320 That's for you, charmer. 225 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,280 LAUGHTER 226 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,920 Hey, Dad, er, time to say goodnight, eh? This is us. 227 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:12,160 Yeah, I'll be staying somewhere else tonight, son, 228 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:13,520 give you some space. 229 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:16,480 Snuck the shag wagon keys out of reception! 230 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,320 - Eh? - Come on! 231 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,320 THEY LAUGH 232 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:21,280 Right next door - handy! 233 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,960 I hope these are soundproof. 234 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,200 Jackie! 235 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:28,720 - Oh, Jackie! - Ahh... 236 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,160 Oh, Christ alive! 237 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,160 Oh, Jackie! 238 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,680 Oh! 239 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,480 KIDS SHOUT 240 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,880 Will you fucking kids stop pissing in the kitchen sink 241 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:50,400 while your dad's in the shower? 242 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,240 If you can't hold it, do it out the door! 243 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:56,320 Hey. 244 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,760 You sleep OK? 245 00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:58,920 Yeah. 246 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:02,440 Yeah, you know, eventually. 247 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:04,720 - He can go a long time. - Yeah. 248 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,400 He's got a condition. 249 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,120 He tried to tell me about it once, 250 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:10,000 but I just blocked it out, you know. 251 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,200 Before he gets back, do you think you should speak to him? 252 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:13,360 About what? 253 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:14,960 About how mean he is to you? 254 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,440 Oh, no, no, we don't need to do that, do we? 255 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,040 You're having a good time, aren't you, love? 256 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:21,240 Brilliant. 257 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:22,440 PHONE RINGS 258 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:23,480 What? 259 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:24,840 The holiday's a disaster. 260 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,720 - Gemma hates it. - Yeah, of course she does. 261 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,880 It's off-season at a caravan park, Malcolm. 262 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:31,480 Yeah, well, I need you here to make it fun, don't I? 263 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,000 - Please. - Is there an arcade? 264 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,680 Yeah. Yeah, there's an arcade. 265 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:36,400 Definitely not coming. I can't do arcades. 266 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,480 Well, I don't think you have to go to the arcade if you don't want to! 267 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:42,200 Although, granted, I've not read the whole park rule book. 268 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,600 No. 269 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:44,960 Oh, God! 270 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:50,720 So when you going to boot the useless dickhead out your flat? 271 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:52,520 What? 272 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:55,280 A beautiful, smart young woman like you, 273 00:11:55,280 --> 00:12:00,280 whole world her oyster, shouldn't be shacked up with her old man. 274 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,720 Yeah, well I've got a baby. 275 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:06,040 Just don't let that become an excuse. 276 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:09,080 Oh, pedalo trip's off, I'm afraid. 277 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,640 Sewage spillage. 278 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:13,680 But I have found a shop that sells only purple items. 279 00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:15,560 - No. - Eh? Well, how about this? 280 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:18,440 Er, the "fabulous coaster museum". 281 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,760 - I think I'll take Sadie to the soft play. - OK. 282 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:23,840 Yeah, I think I'm going to go and watch some snooker in the clubhouse. 283 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,000 Good idea. 284 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,800 Oh, listen, if, erm... 285 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,160 ..you know, thingy comes knocking, 286 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:31,080 just tell her I've had a change of heart. 287 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:32,280 She'll accept it from you. 288 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:34,000 You've got very feminine energy. 289 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,840 Sadie! 290 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,120 Mummy's just over here, OK, Sadie? 291 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:50,320 It's meant to freezing all weekend. 292 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,160 Thank God for this place, eh? 293 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:53,880 I know. 294 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,600 I don't think they've updated it since the '90s. 295 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,040 Who the fuck is McHammer? 296 00:12:58,040 --> 00:12:59,960 You know, they still end the talent show 297 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,560 with everyone singing No Limits, 298 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:03,880 and even that was a dated reference when I was little. 299 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,920 Oh, my God. You came here as a kid too? 300 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,000 Mm. 301 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,560 It was miserable. Charmaine. 302 00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:11,560 Gemma. My dad booked this. 303 00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,200 I honestly think he has Stockholm Syndrome. 304 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,040 - He truly remembers us having a great time. - Yeah - 305 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:18,960 my mum LOVES this place, especially the talent show. 306 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,080 God, I wanted one of those talent show trophies 307 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:22,240 so much when I was little. 308 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,160 Well, I can't imagine you would have had much competition. 309 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,200 What's your talent? 310 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,440 Oh, no, I didn't want to win it. I just wanted it. 311 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:30,760 - For doing nothing? - Yeah. - Oh! My kind of woman! 312 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,040 Here, Sadie. 313 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,760 Up we go! 314 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:37,080 Home sweet home. 315 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,600 Oh, God. 316 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:41,680 Don't worry, Gemma, 317 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:44,640 I've come to save you from this fucking dreadful holiday. 318 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:45,920 Derek's brought us a gift. 319 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,240 Well, thank you, but you cannot stay here. 320 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,520 Obviously don't want to. 321 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,920 Malcolm stinks of baby sick and wet socks. 322 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:53,440 Oh! Yes to both of those. 323 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:55,600 You've got to admit, he's got a great nose. 324 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,400 Did you manage to go and pick me up some clean clothes? 325 00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,280 - I'm not your fucking handmaiden, Malcolm. - All right. 326 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:08,760 Yep. As there's nothing else to do, I thought that we could get Sadie 327 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,760 addicted to the slotties nice and early. 328 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:13,120 I told you - I don't do arcades. 329 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,680 Oh, yeah. He doesn't do arcades. 330 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:16,960 But why? Is it the lights? The noises? 331 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,080 The eroticism? 332 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:21,600 The grabbers. 333 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,000 Oh, no. 334 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,720 No. No. No. No! 335 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:28,040 Malcolm, you've got about 30 seconds to knock me out, mate. 336 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:29,480 Well, I'm not going to do that, am I? 337 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:30,520 DEREK GROANS 338 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,360 Then you can only hold yourself to blame for what's about to happen. 339 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:37,320 Well... Er... 340 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,280 I think that's enough now, mate, eh? 341 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,680 I mean, you've been here for three hours. 342 00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:59,240 It's never enough, Malcolm. 343 00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:01,520 That's the problem with the grabbers, isn't it? 344 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,760 Well, Sadie has 15 toys now, so I think that's enough. 345 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,000 Arguably too many. 346 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,640 Why are we watching this jackass playing on the grabber? 347 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,840 Oh, Dad, this is Derek, he's my friend. 348 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,280 - Best friend. - Yeah, best friend. 349 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,000 Yeah, fuck you, Platypus. 350 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:17,280 Fuck you right back into the egg from which you were hatched. 351 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:18,600 - Ow! - Oh, my God. 352 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,160 Derek, I've got an investment opportunity 353 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:24,120 that is targeted at the sophisticated gentleman. 354 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,400 Ha! Malc's not interested, then! 355 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,960 I'm looking for five smart chaps to come on the sales team 356 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,240 for my new energy drink for ladies. 357 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:32,600 Grandad! No. 358 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,120 Well, he's obviously a moron. 359 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,600 Hey! Oh, sorry, are you talking about him or me? 360 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:39,080 Shut up, shut up, shut up! 361 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,080 You're all making me lose concentration. 362 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,040 Oh! I've got a surprise for you, though. 363 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,680 Might turn this holiday around. 364 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:45,840 What is it? 365 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:49,200 - I've entered you for the talent contest. - Dad, why? 366 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:50,960 Well, cos you always wanted one of those little trophies 367 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,720 - they give out, didn't you? - Yeah, I wanted one, 368 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:54,640 but I didn't want to have to do anything to get it. 369 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:57,680 Come on, Gem, eh? It might be fun, eh? 370 00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,200 17...18. 371 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,920 Calm down! 372 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,160 Has anyone got a pound? 373 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,120 - No! - Has anybody got a pound?! 374 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:11,880 Fuck! Oh! 375 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:14,000 Mate, I've been looking for you. You all right? 376 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,240 Hey, mate. 377 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,440 Have you've been here all night? I thought they closed at 11. 378 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,080 They do. 379 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,600 I just hid in that tiny children's bus over there, 380 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:26,840 just, erm, watching the grabbers - strategising - 381 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:28,960 until they came and turned the power back on. 382 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,000 HE CHUCKLES 383 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,680 It's probably enough now, eh? 384 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:32,920 Look, you've got loads. 385 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:34,160 THEY LAUGH 386 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,240 I'd do this all the time on family holidays. 387 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:39,000 The kids thought I was amazing, you know? 388 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,320 Winning them so many toys. 389 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,160 - Yeah. - And then they got a bit older 390 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,800 and realised it was probably symptomatic of a mental illness. 391 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:46,800 CHUCKLES 392 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,120 Right. 393 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:50,800 LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 394 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,440 I don't even know why I bother with these. 395 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,760 What's the point for someone who can't walk? 396 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,600 Oh, God, sorry. 397 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:04,240 It's fine! 398 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:07,360 I, too, love taking my boots off and vomming in them. 399 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,920 Usually after a bottle of red. 400 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:13,120 Oh...God. 401 00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:15,120 Ugh. 402 00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,320 You dream of that holiday in the boutique hotel, 403 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,200 with the spa and the Egyptian cotton sheets. 404 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:25,280 Life hands you a caravan park with sticky tables and a vaping bunny. 405 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:26,840 LAUGHS 406 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,480 My dad's entered me for the talent show. 407 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,000 - Oh, my God, that's so extra! - Mm-hm. 408 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:35,600 I was wondering, do you want to do something together? 409 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,680 I would love that. 410 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,040 No line dancing. 411 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:41,600 Obviously no line dancing. 412 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:46,240 I just...I just don't know how to help him, you know. 413 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,920 Well, lucky for you, son, I have a solution. 414 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:51,280 - Meet the lovely Rosetta. - All right? 415 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:52,800 What, do you two know each other? 416 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,440 - We became acquainted recently. - Oh, God! 417 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,040 Do you want my help or not? 418 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:58,320 Yeah. 419 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:01,600 It's my friend. He's addicted, so... 420 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,720 TASER CRACKLES, DEREK GROANS 421 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,560 What the fuck, Malcolm?! You got me tasered! 422 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:08,720 I'm sorry! 423 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:11,600 - Argh! - It can be quite pleasant if you hit the right spot. 424 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,560 I bought it on t' dark web using bitcoin. 425 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,800 Yeah, well, it fucking hurts, you psycho! 426 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,000 TASER CRACKLES 427 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,120 Oh, my God. What have you done?! 428 00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:27,680 Aah! 429 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,720 - I think it worked. - You're joking? 430 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:39,320 - Thanks, Jackie. - My pleasure. 431 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:40,960 Hi. May I? 432 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,160 Yeah, all right. 433 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:48,040 TASER CRACKLES 434 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:48,040 Ooh! Ahh! 435 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,960 - TASER CRACKLES, MALCOLM STAMMERS - Argh! 436 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:59,080 That's the last one sold to another idiot. 437 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,920 Now just got to wait for the cash to roll in. 438 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:05,200 My little Gemma, star of the show. 439 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,280 Grandad. We're just doing a duet. It's nothing amazing. 440 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:11,040 Everything you do is amazing, Gemma. 441 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,560 And I don't want you ever forgetting that. 442 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:16,120 Or letting anyone hold you back. 443 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,280 Got to go. Charmaine's waiting. 444 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:19,760 Bye, baby. 445 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,080 Ooh! What's that? Dick pills? 446 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:26,160 - You need some, eh? - No, not me, mate. Mine's like a stick of rock. 447 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,840 Long, thin and brittle? 448 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,840 JACKIE CHUCKLES 449 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,840 DEREK CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY 450 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:34,600 I've had many addictions in my time, and I've beaten them all. 451 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,880 - Booze, fags, cars... - You still do all of them. 452 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,520 Yes, but I'm not addicted to them, Malcolm. 453 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,240 I've learnt to control them. 454 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,160 You know, I've never been addicted to anything. 455 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:46,520 Of course you haven't, son. You're too cautious. 456 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,560 Too afraid of the world. 457 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,080 Just like your mother. 458 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,920 See, I thought with Malcolm getting rid of the shrew, 459 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:56,120 it would free him up to grab life by the bollocks. 460 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:57,760 Allow him to sow his wild oats. 461 00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,600 My oats are all right where they are, thank you. 462 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,320 But instead he's up to his arse in nappies 463 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,120 and letting babies use him as a sick bucket. 464 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,560 I don't let her, do I? 465 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:06,520 You are a disappointment, son - 466 00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:09,680 and I'm only telling you because it's better you know it now, 467 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,760 while you can do something about it. 468 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,960 MALCOLM SLURPS 469 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,760 And don't make that noise. 470 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,400 He was doing that when he was five. 471 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,840 - Cheers. - Cheers. Mm! 472 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,080 Urgh! Ay! Mm-hm! 473 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:33,560 You know, as much as this been a truly terrible holiday, 474 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,360 I am really glad I met you. 475 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,560 Me too. 476 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:40,080 Look, this might seem really... 477 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,640 - I don't know, forward. - You asking me out? 478 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,640 Urgh! No, you're not my type, babe. 479 00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,720 I've never been remotely fanny curious, unfortunately. 480 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:49,480 No. I wondered 481 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:54,400 if you've ever heard of this energy drink for ladies called Shoes? 482 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:58,960 Because I have got an amazing investment opportunity for you. 483 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:02,360 Oh, you mean you're looking for the next idiot to sell to. 484 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,360 Gemma? 485 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:06,240 He's a conman! 486 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:08,160 Oh. Fine. 487 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:10,720 Mm! Mm! 488 00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:13,640 - Whoo! - Hey, are you excited? - I'm going to bed. 489 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,720 - What? You can't go to bed. - I can! - What you doing? 490 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:19,800 - Next up we have Gemma and Charmaine! - Where you going? 491 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:21,280 You couldn't help yourself, could you? 492 00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,240 - No? - Gemma? 493 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,600 - Next on the list... - No, I'll have a go! 494 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,480 Do you...have a talent? 495 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,840 - No! - Nope. - Hey! - Nope. 496 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,240 I might do! 497 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,640 Malcolm. Malcolm... 498 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:38,600 This is going to be fucking hilarious. 499 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:51,960 Mm. 500 00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:03,280 Mm! Mm! 501 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:05,760 Yeah! Whoo! 502 00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:15,480 Whoa! Yes, make some noise! 503 00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:20,040 We have one to beat, girls and boys. 504 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,080 - Yes, Malcolm! - Fantastic! 505 00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:28,280 Next up, we have nine-year-old Lin Lee! 506 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:31,680 - That was good, weren't it? - Whoo! - APPLAUSE 507 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:35,840 - Boo! - Yeah! 508 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:37,960 Fuck off. 509 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:50,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 510 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,800 BABY BABBLES ON MONITOR 511 00:22:58,560 --> 00:22:59,960 Sh. 512 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:05,440 You all right, love? 513 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:08,680 GEMMA MUMBLES 514 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,360 I guess it wasn't the best idea coming on holiday 515 00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:13,680 with a small baby, was it? 516 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:16,280 To be honest, it is harder than just being at home. 517 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:18,560 Yeah. 518 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,040 I've got something for you. 519 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:24,160 - Hmm? - What? 520 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:26,920 Ta-da! 521 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:28,840 - Dad, did you win?! - No! 522 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,680 No, I had to bribe a small boy into handing it over. 523 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:32,880 How much? 524 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:36,000 Three bin bags full of cuddly toys from the grabbers. 525 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,040 Hand it over, then. 526 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:45,760 - Well, I'd better wash me socks if we're getting off, eh? - Oh, God! 37283

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