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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,200 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:06,400 - Are you all right, love? - No, I'm not all right, Dad. I'm pregnant! 3 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:07,920 Is there someone who can go along with you? 4 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,600 My mum's just ran off with her and my dad's savings. 5 00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:11,160 My sister's on remand. 6 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,320 I won't be judged by a woman who tried to have her fiance murdered. 7 00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:14,560 Tried and failed. 8 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:15,800 Oh, my God! 9 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,800 But it's my coat, isn't it? 10 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:20,000 Why can't you behave like a fully grown adult? 11 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,200 Which lucky tosser did you pick as your birth partner in the end? 12 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:23,360 Look at that! 13 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:25,080 You know, I reckon I could get my head through that. 14 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:27,360 You think you could fit your head through your daughter's cervix? 15 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,800 Having a baby is like being love-bombed by your own DNA. 16 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,280 You're not good enough for her! 17 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:32,480 Oh! 18 00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:34,400 What the...fuck is that? 19 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:36,200 Dad, it's happening. 20 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,360 There's a visitor for you, Gemma. 21 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:42,720 Davina? 22 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,160 Hiya, Mum. 23 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,960 I thought you'd never ask me out on a date. 24 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,000 What gave you that impression? 25 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,360 The many, many times you never asked me out. 26 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:04,040 I was just worried... 27 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:06,360 ..things might change after you had the baby. 28 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,120 What baby? 29 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,400 What the fuck? 30 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,760 - No. - Oh, God. Shit. 31 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,720 We'd better order some more drinks. 32 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:24,000 - Yeah. - 'Scuse me, mate? 33 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,160 Hiya. How you doing? 34 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,920 - Can I get two more... - VOICES FADE INTO BABY CRYING 35 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:33,760 Sadie! 36 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,400 What are you doing down there? 37 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,000 It's OK. 38 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,400 It's OK. 39 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:42,000 Dad? 40 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,200 TRANSLATION FROM SPANISH: 41 00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:47,440 What? 42 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,040 BABY CRIES 43 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,840 Oh, Sadie... 44 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,600 Oh, hey, baby. 45 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,600 CRYING CONTINUES 46 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,280 Hey... 47 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:05,400 Mum? 48 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:07,120 The baby's crying, love. 49 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,360 Oh, is she? 50 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:09,560 Thanks. 51 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,160 She's very, very loud. 52 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:12,920 Have you just got in? 53 00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,840 I've been out entertaining my wonderful butcher friend, 54 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:16,960 the Sausage Man. 55 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,520 So things are getting serious with the Sausage Man, then? 56 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,720 Sausage men are never serious, Gemma. 57 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,520 They drift in and out of one's life like the wind. 58 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,160 Yeah, that's famously what sausage men do... 59 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,760 ..in all the romantic sausage poems. 60 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:32,800 Are you hungry? Cos he could knock you up a sandwich in no time. 61 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,000 He's here?! 62 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,040 Yeah. 63 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:36,200 Hiya, Gemma! 64 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,640 Mum! We had a conversation about this. 65 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:41,040 He turned up with a massive pack of chops, Gemma. 66 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:42,160 I weren't going to say no. 67 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,440 No! Get him to leave now. 68 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,640 You need to keep your stress levels down while you're feeding. 69 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:49,960 Don't want your milk to taste bitter. 70 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,240 Hey, come here, you! 71 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,240 HE LAUGHS 72 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:59,400 Oh, now that is a big bit of meat! 73 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,560 Thin walls work both ways! 74 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:08,760 Malcolm. 75 00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:12,440 Malcolm! 76 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,680 HE BARKS LOUDLY 77 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,680 Argh! 78 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,120 Oh! What is it? Is it Gemma? Is it Sadie? What's the matter? 79 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:19,320 How the fuck should I know? 80 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:22,200 Malcolm, I told you not to sleep up here between the hours 81 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:23,920 of 7am and 11pm. 82 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,120 Yeah, I'm sorry. I just couldn't get to sleep last night. 83 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,960 There was a big, complicated fight over some crab paste. 84 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,560 I didn't want to get involved... 85 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,920 Malcolm, sleeping men produce a terrible odour. 86 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,040 CRASHING 87 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,040 Ow! 88 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:39,480 And you know I'm trying to run a top-class professional 89 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,840 establishment here. 90 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:44,160 Derek, the door's broken again. 91 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:47,880 Oh, for fuck's sake, Lawrence. 92 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:51,640 Don't you think I have enough fucking admin on my hands, 93 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:55,040 without having to worry about fixing every single fucking broken 94 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,320 fucking door in this place! 95 00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,000 - The front door. - Oh, the "front" door, I'm sorry. 96 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,320 Why didn't you say? Jesus Christ! 97 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,040 WHAT? 98 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:06,320 I... 99 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,600 Me and the others, we... 100 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:14,040 ..don't think it's fair that Malcolm stays for free, 101 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:16,080 and we all pay rent. 102 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,760 Go away, you pathetic piece of shit. 103 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:28,280 - He's right, mate. - Oh, come on! 104 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:31,320 You're going to have to start chipping in, otherwise they're just going to 105 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,960 set fire to your sleeping bag and throw it down the bin chute. 106 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,200 I've seen it before. 107 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:36,400 I mean, it's been three months. 108 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,640 I thought Davina would've left by now. 109 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,600 CRASHING 110 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,600 Argh! 111 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:43,560 Do you want me to put some MDF over the front door, eh? 112 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,440 Stop strange men getting in? 113 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:47,840 Malcolm... 114 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,520 ..we are the strange men. 115 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,840 Oh, my God, I am so tired. 116 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:01,240 Why? 117 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:03,720 Aren't you just supposed to sleep when she sleeps? 118 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:04,840 Oh, yeah. 119 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:06,600 I'll just curl up in a ball here, shall I? 120 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,280 Right, why doesn't Mum help you with the baby? 121 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,840 The baby has a name. 122 00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:11,680 Yeah. 123 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:13,720 - Brenda. - Fuck's sake. 124 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,000 Right so... 125 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,520 ..don't take this the wrong way, 126 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:22,480 but, Gemma, you look like shit. 127 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:24,000 - Me? - Yeah. 128 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:25,960 - Yeah, you've got grillz. - Yeah. 129 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,400 How did you even get grillz? 130 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:28,720 SHE SUCKS LOUDLY 131 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,840 I made it out of a Bakewell tart tray. 132 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:35,000 I've got my own little accessories side hustle in here. 133 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,360 It's like Etsy but with knuckle dusters. 134 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:39,080 It's good to have career goals. 135 00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:44,520 - Hey! - Ow! 136 00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:44,520 BABY CRIES 137 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,200 Fuck's sake, Gemma. You've woke up Brenda. 138 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:52,680 Oh. The wanderer finally returns. 139 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:54,480 Oh, there we go. 140 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,520 How's your downstairs doing? 141 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:58,440 Yeah, my downstairs is fine, Rita. 142 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:00,560 I had a C-section. 143 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,200 Well, how's your upstairs doing? 144 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,240 Oh, still tender. 145 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:07,400 Oh, wait till you get to my age. 146 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,080 Everything's tender. 147 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:12,440 Upstairs, downstairs, front and back. 148 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,600 Well, you need to be very careful, Gemma, 149 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,680 cos one of my ladies who had a Caesarean, 150 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:19,360 well, baby couldn't have been more than a fortnight old 151 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,720 when she saw that picture of a cat who looks like Phil Foden, 152 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:25,480 and laughed so hard the scar just tore open and her innards fell out. 153 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,920 - Splat, right onto her thighs. - Oh! 154 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:31,120 She had to take herself off to A&E carrying her bits in a Tesco bag. 155 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:36,480 Thanks, but I think I'm past the "innards in a shopping bag" 156 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,000 phase now. 157 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,720 SHE YAWNS 158 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,080 Oh, are you very tired? 159 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:42,360 Yeah. 160 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,320 I've not had more than two hours' continuous sleep 161 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,600 since Sadie was born. 162 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,600 I thought your mum'd moved in? 163 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:48,640 Yeah, she has. 164 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,840 She was great at first, although that might've been 165 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:53,720 the painkillers. Now, three months later, I'm not so into it. 166 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,200 And, ah... 167 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:56,960 ..what's Malcolm been up to? 168 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,920 He's too scared to come over while Mum's there, 169 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,560 so I've not seen much of him. 170 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:02,400 Rita, what's this? 171 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:05,880 Well, speaking of your father, these are my new erotic mugs, Gemma. 172 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,680 This is a sexy man's chest 173 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:09,000 with a willy for the handle. 174 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,520 These make no sense anatomically. 175 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,840 Why's he got a giant-sized penis coming out of his ribcage? 176 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,960 I'm trying to become one of those places hen parties go to. 177 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,440 You know, nails, brows, cocks. 178 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,320 Rita, you don't know the first thing about nails or brows. 179 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,000 I do know about cocks, though. 180 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,560 That was the implication. 181 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,880 I bet you've been around a few cocks, haven't you, Winnie? 182 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,400 Oh, it brings back memories, this, Rita. 183 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:34,880 Winnie, you mucky bitch! 184 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:40,000 Erm, would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant? 185 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,240 Probably. 186 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,000 Oh, shit! 187 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,240 Dad? 188 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:48,480 Are you hiding? 189 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:49,920 Is your mother with you? 190 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:51,000 No. 191 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:54,000 Well, then I'm not hiding, am I? 192 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,680 Oh, God. 193 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:57,760 Oh, God, she's grown up so much, hasn't she? 194 00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,720 Look at her. She massive! 195 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,080 Grandad's little beefcake, aren't you? 196 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:03,120 I think she misses you. 197 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:04,840 Oh, I miss her as well! 198 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,440 Jesus. You all right, love? You look knackered. 199 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:09,800 Are you getting enough sleep? 200 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,480 Yeah. Just a rough night. 201 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:12,880 Right. 202 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:15,640 How's the sad man bedsit? 203 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:16,800 Eh? Yeah, great. Yeah. 204 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,240 - I love it there, yeah. - Mm-hm. Back in your old room? 205 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:20,880 Yeah, well, almost. You know? 206 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,040 Definitely within spitting distance anyway. 207 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:26,680 How are things with your mum? 208 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,600 It's great she's there, innit? 209 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:31,320 - Yeah. - Mm. 210 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:33,920 Would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant? 211 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,240 I don't think it's pink when you put it on. 212 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,400 HE CHUCKLES 213 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,720 How do now? How do? 214 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:43,520 Grab me one of those, actually. 215 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:48,880 PHONE ALERT 216 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,960 Christ, Gemma, your mum still being a nightmare? 217 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,800 Tell you what, I'm coming over. 218 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:55,520 You jump in the shower. I'll get Sadie off to sleep. 219 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:58,600 Oh, I'm not being funny, babe, 220 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,040 but I'm not going through your laundry and your dirty knickers. 221 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,360 Spare sheets? 222 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,440 Mum's room, but I'm not allowed in there. 223 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,720 She said, very firmly, I was not to go in there. 224 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,480 - We are definitely going in there. - OK. 225 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,560 What do you think she's hiding? 226 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:17,760 God knows. 227 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:19,360 But if you see a man holding sausages, 228 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:20,760 promise me you won't scream. 229 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,080 What the fuck? 230 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,600 Oh, my God! 231 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,080 What a bougee bitch! 232 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:30,520 She's punishing me, isn't she? 233 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,960 For being a dick when I was a newborn. 234 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:36,040 Oh, she's waited 25 years and this is her revenge. 235 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:37,760 DOOR BUZZES 236 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:37,760 No! 237 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,560 I'll get it, and whoever it is I'll tell them to fuck off. 238 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,640 You just lie down and get some rest, yeah? 239 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,280 - Xand... - Hi, is, ah... - Hey. 240 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,200 - Is Gemma in? - Ah, yeah. 241 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:52,640 No, not now! 242 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,800 I didn't want to keep messaging so I finally just came over. 243 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,080 I've got presents! 244 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,640 For you and for Sadie. 245 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,080 Ah, Xand, mate, 246 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:05,840 Sadie's having a nap. 247 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,440 I wasn't expecting her to give me a catwalk or anything. 248 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:09,560 Oh... 249 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:12,040 Oh. 250 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,000 Y-y-you want... You want me to leave? 251 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,400 Well, it's the only time that I can actually get some sleep. 252 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,640 - I mean, look at the state of her. - Fuck off! 253 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,040 Well, erm... 254 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,840 Thank you. Another time? 255 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,200 Erm, another time. 256 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:25,600 Sure. 257 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:26,760 Soz. 258 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:39,920 So how are we going to get rid of your ex? 259 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:41,280 Well, do we have to? 260 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:44,320 I mean, you know, I think Gemma like's having her mum around, so... 261 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:46,480 Aw! I don't give a fuck. 262 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,600 I need you off that landing before there's a mutiny, Malcolm. 263 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:52,680 We could... 264 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:54,920 No, you'd never go for it. 265 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:55,960 What? 266 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,280 We could Inform MI6 that Davina's been grooming kids 267 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:00,760 into joining Al-Qaeda. 268 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,080 No! 269 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:08,360 - No. - No, no. I didn't think you'd go for it. 270 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:11,080 I did come up with some other ideas when I was on the bog. 271 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,360 You know, if I did move back in with Gemma, it would be best 272 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:15,600 if it didn't seem to be my idea, you know? 273 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,120 Spoken like a true soy boy. 274 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:21,680 Nice job. 275 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,040 Wait, how do we get in now? 276 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:28,680 It's like a cat flap. But for fellas. 277 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:30,520 That is... 278 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:33,120 ..absolutely fucking genius! 279 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:36,200 Ha-ha. 280 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,800 - Shall I go in...? - After you. 281 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,280 - OK. The maiden voyage! - Yeah. 282 00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:41,720 Meow! 283 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,480 You know what doesn't need sterilising? 284 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,280 - Tits? - Tits. 285 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,960 Yeah. Well, she gets plenty of breast milk. 286 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,400 I just use formula sometimes cos it helps me out. 287 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:54,560 Oh. 288 00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,520 It's all about her, in't it? 289 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,520 Selfish Mummy. Baby wants nipnip. 290 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:02,920 I absolutely destroyed my breasts for you and Catherine. 291 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,920 It's only right and fair you do the same. 292 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:07,680 God, Mum, you must be desperate to get back out there, 293 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:10,600 see the world, more of it. 294 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,520 New bits of it. 295 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,280 I'm not going anywhere, Gemma. You need me. 296 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,120 - SQUELCHING - Oh! Oh, God, that is a smelly one. 297 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,640 OK, well, can you change her? Cos I've got to finish this. 298 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,800 Sorry, love, I can't. I'm off for a bikini wax. 299 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,000 Full Hollywood. 300 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,040 Do you know, I never used to bother, but it's expected these days. 301 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,360 I had a dalliance with a 28-year-old and he shrieked 302 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:31,960 when he saw my thatch. 303 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,000 - Oh, my God... - Used to be different, of course. 304 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,680 When I had Catherine, the midwives told me to keep it 305 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,760 as full as possible, you know, to clean her on the way out, 306 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:40,800 like those, erm... 307 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,840 Like those big brushes at the car wash. 308 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:44,160 Is that what they told you? 309 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,680 Do you know, it never once got brought up. 310 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:48,920 And I won't be home for dinner. 311 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,480 But it's your turn to cook! 312 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:53,080 But I have got you some SlimFast, so you can make a start on 313 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,680 shifting that baby weight. 314 00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:58,640 My cousin was 8st one month after giving birth. 315 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:00,600 Because she was in a coma! 316 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,800 I know. Intensive care did wonders for her waistline. 317 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:05,240 I was quite jealous. 318 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:06,360 Love yer! 319 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:07,760 Love yer. 320 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:10,960 Hey, baby. 321 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:15,840 Should we kill Nana? 322 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:17,040 Yeah? 323 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,160 Yeah? 324 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,320 Should we kill Nana? 325 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,720 Or should we kill Mummy instead? 326 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:31,080 Oh... What if Gemma doesn't want me to move back in with her? 327 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:32,440 Dad? 328 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,480 - Gemma? - I can't take living with Mum any more. 329 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:35,760 How do I get in? 330 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:36,960 Use the flap. 331 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,160 Use the flap! 332 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:39,600 Don't be ridiculous. 333 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,080 All right. Come round the back. 334 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,760 But don't tell anyone there's a door there! 335 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,320 That's my door. 336 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,040 - Go round the back. - The back. 337 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,360 Round the back. 338 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,720 Whoa! 339 00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:59,440 Is this where you've been staying? 340 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:01,640 Eh? No, I've got an airbed on the landing. 341 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:05,360 My personal private space is very important to me, 342 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,080 especially at night. 343 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,040 Mm-hm. Why's that? 344 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,480 He plays Minecraft. 345 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,960 Shut the fuck up. 346 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:17,080 So, what is on the list of ways to get rid of Davina? 347 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,640 Well, ah, she's allergic to tomatoes. 348 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:24,880 OK, good. So we make her something with tomatoes... 349 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,560 Erm, a soup, perhaps. 350 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:30,440 Then she ends up unconscious, so we gaslight her 351 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,680 into thinking that she never even lived at Gemma's 352 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,080 and it was a dream all along. 353 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:35,960 Eh, yeah, but it's only a mild allergy, 354 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,040 just makes her tongue itch. 355 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:38,320 Oh, for fuck's sake. 356 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,680 - She's also allergic to horses. - Oh, yeah! 357 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,400 Excellent. OK, I can work with that. 358 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,080 Do you mean eating or hanging out with? 359 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:46,360 Hanging out with. 360 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:48,680 Great. So here's what we do. 361 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:53,000 We, erm, fill the flat with horses. 362 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,240 Erm... Three horses. 363 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,720 Four horses? 364 00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:58,920 No. OK. Different tack. 365 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,840 Ah, what is she afraid of? 366 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,040 Love. 367 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,360 Emotional intimacy. 368 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:06,200 Yeah. Brian? 369 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:07,640 Yeah, it's Deggsy, mate. 370 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,600 - Yeah, yeah, I know... - I think I've got an idea. 371 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,440 Oh, yeah? 372 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,920 Well, come on, then. What you thinking? 373 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,480 - OK. - The state of this place... 374 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:18,680 So... 375 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:22,760 ..the only thing in the world that my mother is afraid of 376 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:24,520 is getting back together with Dad. 377 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:26,880 Yeah. 378 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:28,920 Which is why he's going to propose to her. 379 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,120 Propose what? 380 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:31,640 Propose marriage. 381 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,200 No way! 382 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,760 Oh, God. How much sleep did you get last night? 383 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,040 All in one go? 37 minutes. 384 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,200 And I feel pretty fucking amazing, actually. 385 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,440 This is a good idea. 386 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:41,840 OK? This is a GOOD idea. 387 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,400 I mean, has anyone got a better idea? 388 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:44,880 No, no, no, it is a great idea, love. 389 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,000 - It's a great... - Thank you. - ..idea. - It's a shit idea. 390 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,440 Well, it's the only idea we've got, so let's go with it. 391 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:50,840 Thank you. Derek! 392 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:52,320 God, I knew you'd have faith in me. 393 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,800 All right, don't overdo it. Has she seen her GP recently? 394 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,080 I can't do it. 395 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:58,480 I need you off my landing, Malcolm. 396 00:15:58,480 --> 00:15:59,640 And I need her out. 397 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,200 Come on! 398 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,200 MALCOLM WHIMPERS 399 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,400 - Come on. - Come on! 400 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:09,840 I don't want to do this! 401 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,200 Oh, fuck's sake. 402 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,160 What about those horse? Are they still available? 403 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:14,680 Sure, you can bail, Malcolm. 404 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,040 But the guys did mention suffocating you in your sleep again, 405 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:19,080 so it's up to you, I guess. 406 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,840 Dad, she needs to go, remember? 407 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:23,520 All right, I'll, ah... 408 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:25,480 I'll give it a go. 409 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,000 - OK. - OK. 410 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:29,600 I'll be listening. 411 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,680 This is going to be a disaster. You know that? 412 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,040 MALCOLM INHALES DEEPLY 413 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:36,560 Bit of a mess in here, Gemma, isn't it? 414 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,040 Don't you fucking dare. 415 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:51,320 Ah... 416 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,240 Malcolm. 417 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,280 Davina. 418 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,520 You look, erm... 419 00:16:58,520 --> 00:16:59,960 ..canny. 420 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,920 Come on, Dad! 421 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,400 Why are you here? 422 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,120 Well, I, ah... 423 00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:07,400 Would you like a glass of water? 424 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:08,840 No. 425 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,000 Yes, me too. 426 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:15,920 HE GULPS 427 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:15,920 Erm, right. 428 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:19,160 Having you back in our lives the last three months... 429 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,520 Gemma's life. I've barely seen you. 430 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:23,200 Been hiding at Casa Loser? 431 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,000 It's, ah... 432 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,400 Well, it's made me realise... 433 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,960 For God's sake, spit it out, Malcolm. 434 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,720 ..the hole that you left. 435 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,120 Hole. Hm-hm. 436 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,160 Mm-hm. 437 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,960 And I'd like us to, erm... 438 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:46,400 ..rekindle our relationship. 439 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,120 You what? 440 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,320 Oh. 441 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:52,240 I thought you were going to ask me for the money back from the house sale. 442 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,160 No. Oh, but can I have that money back? 443 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,800 - No. - Oh. 444 00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,360 Well, ah... Erm... 445 00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:02,040 I, ah... 446 00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:02,040 HE GULPS 447 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,760 Whatever I said... 448 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,040 ..wh-whatever I did, you know. 449 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:11,160 I didn't mean it. 450 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,280 It's Barlow. He's gone Barlow. 451 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:16,640 I...just want you back for good? 452 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,760 Oh. Gemma! 453 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:19,920 Shit! 454 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:25,040 What's going on? 455 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,000 - Dad wants you back! - Does he? 456 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,600 Yeah! 457 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,160 Yeah. Definitely back for good, yeah. 458 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:32,960 Do you? 459 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:32,960 MALCOLM GASPS 460 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,760 Right, well, I don't want him back. 461 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,400 Mum, it's so cute. He says he's madly in love with you and that 462 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:42,080 he will not leave this house until you agree to remarry him. 463 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,440 Did you? 464 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:44,800 I might've done, I don't know... 465 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,400 Such a fucking soy boy! 466 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,960 I am swept away by the romance, Malcolm. 467 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,000 Oh, go on, you lot, clear out. 468 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,920 I've got Sausage Man coming round in a bit. 469 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,520 - Right, we did our best, didn't we? - Did she say "Sausage Man"? 470 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,080 OK, Mum, how about this? 471 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:06,000 Will you please get the fuck out of my home! 472 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,320 Oh, fucking hell. 473 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:08,480 Yeah. 474 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,320 I mean, I love you, but if you don't go, 475 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,040 I'm going to chuck myself out that window. 476 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,000 - Aren't we on the ground floor? - Shut up. 477 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,880 It's the Sausage Men, the late nights, the SlimFast, 478 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:18,560 the eating my biscuits... 479 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,760 Oh, I know you do cos I've seen you take them. OK? 480 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,280 You're driving me insane. 481 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,360 Either you go or me and Sadie will, 482 00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:28,160 and it's my name on the lease - that'll be really fucking annoying. 483 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,720 This isn't working out for me, Gemma. 484 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:42,480 I'm sorry but I think it's time for me to leave. 485 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:43,680 What the fuck? 486 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,160 I literally just said that. 487 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:49,480 I can't stay here forever, much as you'd like me to. 488 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,640 The world is calling me back to it. 489 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,560 You understand, don't you, love? 490 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,480 Yeah. 491 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,400 I don't understand. 492 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:02,720 Me neither, mate. 493 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:08,560 The first few weeks of having Sadie, I couldn't have coped without you. 494 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,560 Tell Malcolm he can keep the candles. 495 00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:18,480 I do have one tiny bit of advice. 496 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,520 This first year is a very precious time, Gemma. 497 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,760 Work out what it is what you want, 498 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:29,320 and start reaching for it before you go back to work. 499 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,880 Because once the grind starts - 500 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,320 work, baby, life... 501 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:37,920 ..you'll be trapped. 502 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:37,920 CAR HORN BEEPS 503 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,160 Right, your taxi's here. 504 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:41,600 And before you know it, 505 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:44,040 you'll have spent 20 years living with your father. 506 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:45,800 That's the mistake I made, 507 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:49,040 and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 508 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,200 OK. 509 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:51,280 Thanks. 510 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:56,040 Good luck, love. 511 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,360 DOOR CLOSES 512 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,800 Here you are. There you go. 513 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,000 Fresh sheets, eh? 514 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,840 I've just put a clothes wash on. 515 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:25,400 And I was thinking, the next couple of nights 516 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,160 I can do her feeds for you, 517 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:28,920 and you can get some sleep. 518 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,320 Thank you. 519 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,560 I'm so glad to be back, love. 520 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:36,120 I've missed you so much, missed both of you. 521 00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:37,480 We've missed you. 522 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:44,640 And I want you to know that I will never, ever leave you again. 523 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,720 Not until that one goes to university, anyway. 524 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:53,600 You rest now, eh? 525 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:02,840 Oh, hey, there's a pork pie in here! 526 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:08,600 I'm on maternity leave! 527 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:08,600 PHONE RINGING 528 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,960 I'm not asking you to pick it up with your fanny - please! 529 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:13,960 He's a creep who charges 15 quid to sing at babies. 530 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:15,600 And takes his top off! 531 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:16,680 DOG SQUEALS 532 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:19,160 There's a dog in here, there's a massive dog in here! 533 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:20,440 Hook, elbow, punch! 534 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:21,760 My boobs are about to explode. 535 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:22,800 Are they fake? 536 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,800 No, you bell end - they're full of milk! 537 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,200 Dad's booked us a holiday, though. 538 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,640 I bet it's the caravan park. 539 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,640 It won't be the caravan park. 540 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,360 The holiday's a disaster. 541 00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:33,320 Shut up, shut up, shut up! 542 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,040 I thought maybe you'd want space. 543 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:38,080 What I actually wanted was some very large sanitary pads. 544 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:41,200 We're totally fucking lost, and Malcom is missing a boot! 545 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:44,240 Yeah, well, I had to throw something to distract that bull, didn't I?! 546 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:46,240 I want to provide a better life for my baby. 547 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,560 Whoa... It's fucking its eggs down my throat! 548 00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:49,600 Woo! 549 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,920 I have been dabbling with better-paid other employment. 550 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:53,440 Why do you even want this job? 551 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:54,880 Because I love marketing. 552 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:56,160 Nobody loves marketing. 553 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:58,160 Congratulations, Gemma. You've just joined the rat race. 38686

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