Original subtitles

You ever done it with a redhead? No, I've never done it with a redhead.

Redheads!

Redheads have these hips that are like, really?

It's all... Hi.

There you go, boys.

Can I open up the tap for you again?

That's not all you can open up, Gordon.

Let's see it open.

Boy, you sure have a way with the ladies there, Dean.

Man, you just dumped Courtney for ten other women not too long ago, and you

still have her eating out of your hand.

I didn't dump her, Skip.

I just told her, look, I'm not one of those guys that believes in those

exclusive relationship things.

Yeah. Too many women out there to tie yourself down to one.

Yeah.

Well, she was pretty ticked out there for a while, though.

You know, she was even coming on to me.

Get back at you.

Yeah, well, you were a fool for not poking her.

Haven't I always told you, you get it while you can, when you can, and where

can. And that's okay if you're using your best friend's girl. That's all

Oh, geez, Dean, I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't use you like that.

You're not using me. Don't you understand? You're using the girls.

God put them on this earth for us to use, to enjoy.

That's why we pitch.

They receive.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

All right.

You tell me how she came on to you.

I'll tell you how you went wrong.

Geez, I didn't do anything wrong, Dean.

That was that night that you and her had that big fight, remember?

And you asked me to drive her home.

That guy is such an asshole.

I don't know what I ever saw in him in the first place.

Dean's not such a bad guy once you get to know him.

Of course, he rarely lets women stick around long enough to get to know him.

I mean, I gave him some of the best minutes of my life.

And I even told him he didn't have to tip me when he came into the bar. Now,

that isn't love, I don't know what is.

I'm sure you'll feel better after a good night's sleep, so I'll just be going.

No!

Stay with me, Skip.

You're so understanding and gentle with women.

I could sure use a man like you in my company tonight.

Oh, I can't. I mean, you're Dean's girl and all.

At least one of his girls.

Not anymore.

I want to be your girl.

Well, I couldn't.

Just wouldn't be right.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's how I left her, and I didn't see her again until just now.

At least she seems to be over being mad.

I can't believe you, man.

Sometimes you can be such a weenie. You could have had her. You could have poked

her. You could have fucked her.

Could have put another notch in your bedpost, and you walked away.

Sorry.

You should be.

Next time you're in a situation like that, you handle it differently.

For example.

Stay with me, Skip.

You're so gentle and understanding with women. I can sure use the company of a

man like you tonight.

Well, I can't. I mean, you're Dean's girl.

Or at least one of his girls.

Not anymore.

I want to be your girl.

Courtney, you're just using me to get back at Dean.

Oh, maybe so.

So what?

Use me, Skip.

Use me till I'm all used up.

Well, that's different, huh?

Thank you.

Two. One.

I wonder why.

That's the way it could have happened for you. And it would have happened for

you if you would listen to me, buddy.

Jeez, you make it sound easy.

It is easy.

You see that chick over there?

Yeah.

Quite a number, huh?

Boy, I'll say.

She comes in here all the time, though. Guys are always feeling on her. She

never goes home with anyone.

She'll go home with me.

Watch and learn.

Hey, gorgeous.

What's a babe like you doing talking to a crumb like me, huh?

I'm glad I was.

Yeah, well, how could you help it?

Bartender, could you get her another drink here, please?

Thank you.

with me, babe.

Here's the camera.

Wow. They must make strong drinks in that place.

I'm absolutely smashed.

Hey, baby.

A woman can never be too drunk, you know.

Listen, you stay right here for a second, okay? Move.

All right, you know what to do, man, right?

Yeah. All right, stand out in front of the aisle and make sure nobody drives

Right. Okay. Are you sure you want to do this hair, Dean?

Yeah, man, yeah. Look, take it from me. Don't wait till you get the chick home

to make the moves, because by the time you get there, she could change her

Yeah.

Christ, Dean, take it easy, man. This is the third woman you've had today.

You're going to give yourself a heart attack.

Yeah, but what a way to go.

Look,

you watch out.

I'll talk to you in a minute.

Are we there yet?

Well, baby, we're there.

We're there.

I'll have you know, though, I don't usually fuck before my first date.

But since I'm this drunk, there's no telling what can happen.

Tell me.

Tell me.

Tell me.

You're falling out.

Thank you.

Fuck.

Don't feel sorry for this guy.

He's got this coming.

Hey, buddy.

Did you have a nice ride?

No. I had a dream.

What was in a dream?

What are you talking about?

Have a drink. I'll tell you all about it.

What was that you were saying a minute ago?

You're dead.

I knew it. Oh, God, I knew it. Hey, look, come on. It's not so bad being

People out there are living their entire life like that.

Yeah, but I don't want to be one of them.

I'm too young to be here.

Whatever here is.

No,

this is a waste of time.

Looks like a bar to me.

Matter of fact, this looks like the very bar where all my trouble started

tonight.

Well, you see, we like to make your surroundings familiar, you know? Put you

more at ease. Yeah, well, I'm not at ease.

He just told me I was dead.

Who are you anyway?

I'm an angel.

You know, forgive me.

You look a little like a bomb to me.

Well, we all kind of look that way nowadays, you know? No names, no fixed

addresses, and it kind of helps you just blend in anywhere you go.

Oh, wait.

You're telling me that all bums are angels?

No. No more than all lawyers are satanic thieves, even though half of them are.

But about half the bums that you do see are angels.

Angels? Oh, yeah.

A lot of demand out there nowadays, you know?

Kind of been that way ever since that first Judas Priest album went flat.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember that.

Well, what happens now? Do I go to heaven?

No, man, you're not going to heaven.

You see, Dino, buddy, in your last life, you were pretty much of an asshole.

What?

What did I do?

What? I never killed anybody. I never cheated. Not once did I watch... Fresh

Prince of Bel -Air.

That's all true, but the way you treated women was absolutely horrible.

You see, Earth is kind of like a proving ground.

Now, once you prove yourself here, you get to move on up to the next level.

Oh, yeah, kind of like Star Search.

Yeah, sort of. Yeah.

In your case, you're going back, and you're going to do it again until you

it right.

Now, lucky for you, there is a body that's about to become available.

Wait a minute. I've got to be born again or something?

I've got to go through the third grade again?

I thought three times was enough.

Look, we're going to skip all that this time, okay?

The body you're getting is fully grown, in great shape.

It's a perfect physical specimen.

Whoa.

Why is this body available all the time?

Well, the soon -to -be -previous owner is, uh...

About to take a fatal combination of boos and downers, know what I mean?

Yeah, I see. It hasn't happened yet.

No, I see.

It's going to happen in about two more days. But up here, man, time flies.

In fact, you know, it's already past.

We've got to get going.

Where are we going?

To get the money.

It's waiting for you down there right now. A warm and cozy, great big bed.

We've got to get there before somebody finds us.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on right there. I want to know a little bit

more about this body.

You think some wimp who can't get it up or something is it?

Nah, man. You're not going to have any prospects at this time, believe me.

that's good.

You know, it's a thing about women.

They're like meals.

Three good ones a day.

Dessert on the side.

You know.

That's how you feel about women.

You know.

Okay, well.

Hold on to your balls, pal.

You're going to go on one wild ride.

What I want you to do is close your eyes.

Repeat after me.

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding.

What do you think?

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto.

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto.

All right, how come I still look the same?

I was dreaming.

Because if I was dead, where's this place?

Wait a minute.

Well, welcome back to the living, cute stuff.

Who the fuck you calling cute stuff?

Who else good looking?

I just wanted to make sure you weren't dead or anything.

And I'm glad to say that you're alive and looking well.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What are you looking at?

Why so shy?

Last night you got so drunk you were dancing around naked as a jaybird.

I beg your pardon?

How about giving Burke a little kiss?

Get the fuck out of here before I give you some more.

Fucking weirdo. Why'd you do that? You're crazy.

I mean, last night you let me pick you up in a bar. Then you get so drunk you

fall in my lap.

And now you do this?

You chicks are all crazy. I'm leaving.

The fuck is he talking about? You chicks.

Oh, my God. I have kids.

Oh, my God. I'm a girl.

I can't believe it. That bum sent me back as a fucking girl.

Oh, my God.

God, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

I don't want to be a woman.

I don't want to work for less money. I don't want to have PMS every goddamn

month.

I don't want to be on the bottom during sex.

I don't want to have tits and a pussy.

Well,

you seem to be adjusting rather nicely.

How long have you been here?

Oh, sweetheart, I've always been here.

Everything you mortals do is watched by somebody.

Everything?

Even the times I used to jack off when I was a teenage boy?

Even the times you used to after you were a teenage boy.

Oh, no.

How embarrassing.

You shouldn't be embarrassed.

You know, if God hadn't meant for you to enjoy your sexuality, he wouldn't have

made it feel so good.

Really? Then how come the moral majority says it's wrong to be sexually

liberated? That bunch of narrow -minded...

Bigoted, bedwetting, anal retentive morons? What do they know?

Half of them aren't even going to make it to heaven, and the other half's only

getting in on a work permit.

You just go on and enjoy your new body, Denim.

Denim? Who's Denim?

Well, you are.

I didn't tell you?

That's the name that folks are going to know you by now that you got a new body.

By everyone? Do you mean like that creep that was just here?

Well, you were awfully intimate with that creep last night, Denim.

No way.

I don't deal with guys.

No?

Well, just look towards the bed, and I'll let you see what happened on this

spot just eight hours ago.

Tell me again how you want it, baby.

I want you to fuck me, Bert.

I want you to stick your dick inside me and fuck me.

First, you suck me.

Oh, God, this is awful.

I don't know. You seem to be enjoying it.

But that's not me.

Well, it's you now.

You better watch and see what kind of person you really are.

Mm hmm.

Hmm.

That's because I like to have men inside of me.

Deep inside of me.

Well, you got a man inside of you now, sweetheart.

Permanently.

Make him go away. I don't want to see any more of this.

Very well.

I thought you might like to see what you've become.

Yeah, well, thanks.

But I see who I've become all too clearly.

Oh, God, look at all this hair.

How am I going to deal with it? It's going to take me half the day to wash

damn thing.

I'm going to have to learn to walk in heels.

And I'm going to have to wear a bra.

Oh, forget it. Let them bounce.

So construction workers will whistle at me as I'm walking down the street.

Oh, God, this is going to be so hard.

Oh, I'm even going to have to learn to piss sitting down.

Oh, fuck.

Well, at least I know I'll never have to find a good woman.

I am a good woman.

Well, in time, you'll learn to enjoy being a good woman, Denim.

Just like you enjoyed being a bad man.

You have to admit, I was damn good at being bad.

Hey, where'd you go?

Hey, bum, come back!

Yeah, I know. I know. She's calling for me.

You see, I got to leave her alone right now because she's got to work out things

by herself.

Don't be feeling sorry for Denim.

See, the guy I feel sorry for right now is Skip.

You know, the dude that Denim used to hang out with when she was a he?

Yeah, poor guy. Right now he's back cleaning out Dean's old desk, the place

used to work together.

Yeah, sorry, old dude.

Well...

Maybe I can send him something to make him feel better.

I'm so depressed.

He may have been a creep, but he was my best friend.

How am I going to ever get over his death?

Christ.

I mean, what could possibly happen in my dreary daily existence that could get

my mind off this sorrow?

Who are there?

Who are you?

And where'd you come from?

Right over there.

And you can call me Angel.

Angel?

You don't look like an angel.

That's the idea.

Ooh.

Oh yeah.

Fuck me, baby.

If nothing else, I got Skip's mind off his friend's death.

Now back to the problem with Denim.

You see, she called up a friend of hers for a date.

Now, this friend of hers was someone that she used to know when she was a he,

you know what I mean.

Too bad it couldn't be Skip.

You see, Denim's just not quite ready to go out with men yet.

Don't worry about her.

She'll come around.

I'm sure I'm glad you called me, Dunham.

There's one thing I don't understand.

You said that Dean wanted to see me?

I thought Dean was dead.

Maybe Dean's here in spirit.

No, I don't believe in that stuff.

It sure is strange how you got me to come over here.

And how you gave me that wine to get me in the bed.

I'm sure we haven't met before.

Maybe in a previous life?

Previous life?

You mean reincarnation?

No, I don't believe in that stuff either.

You should.

Uh -huh.

I feel good.

I

just

feel good today.

That felt good.

Bye.

God, that's so good.

I think so.

Build up.

At least you don't have to worry about this getting hard.

That's true.

I hope I know what to do.

Do you

like that?

I got you.

I got you.

Don't tell me you don't like men.

Well, I prefer to hang around with chicks. Well, I mean women.

Well, there was this guy that I kind of used to hang out with.

His name was Skip.

Well, bring him too. I'll get a date and you bring Skip and we'll go for it.

Want to go?

Come on. I don't know.

You think I should?

Well, the question is, will she or won't she?

Will it be Skip or...

Maybe some jerk we haven't even met yet.

Or she's sick to women.

Kind of curious myself, you know.

Maybe we should meet back here another time and, uh, let's see, huh?

Until then, cheers.

Tell me how she came on to you again, and I'll tell you where you went wrong,

all right?

Oh, geez, I didn't do anything wrong, Dean.

It was that night that you and her had that big fight, you know, and you asked

me to drive her home, did you?

Don't you do that. I didn't do it, Daniel. Yes, you did. I didn't do it. I

you did. No, I didn't.

I know you did. No, no, you're fine today. And go.

Daniel, wait. Daniel's looking in the camera.

You amateur.

How long have you been doing that?

No, just kidding.

No, I'm looking at you. Look, Ricky.

Look, Ricky.

All right, here we go. Rolling.

And action.

Oh, jeez, I didn't do anything wrong. Here we go.

Oh,

jeez, I didn't do anything wrong, Dean. That was the night that you and her had

that big fight, Dan. You asked me to drive her home.

Listen to a 33 fast.

I'm trying to get through it before I laugh.

Okay, all right.

Bad. Action.

Tag, come on.

Geez, I didn't do anything wrong, Dean.

Start looking at it.

Okay. Here you go.

We're rolling.

And action.

Tell me how she came on to you, then I'll tell you what you did wrong.

Oh, geez, I didn't do anything wrong, Dean.