Original subtitles

This is an ABC color presentation.

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

Here they are, America's favorite family, the Nelsons.

Well, I know who it was who was shot.

It was the chauffeur.

Couldn't have been the chauffeur.

We saw him in the first act.

We didn't even see the first act, thanks to you.

Well, he was still alive in the second act.

That's what I mean, the second act, which

was the first act we saw.

No thanks to you.

OK, so we got there a little late.

We?

You were the one who made us late.

I had to take a shower.

For 45 minutes?

Well, anyway, I think it was a very interesting play.

At least we found out who done it.

Oh, yeah.

We found out who done it.

Now, maybe we can go back tomorrow night and find out

who he done it to.

Don't look now, but he's laughing.

I thought he'd forgotten how.

Look, I'll start laughing again as soon as you

start arriving places on time.

You know, it's a dreadful habit you've developed lately.

Look, I hate to change the subject,

but how would you guys like to go on a picnic tomorrow?

Well, who's going?

Just the four of us.

OK with me.

How about you, Grouchy?

Well, if we can get you out of bed.

Don't you worry about me.

Say, why don't we bring along some of that fried chicken?

OK. We'll bring some fried chicken.

I'll boil some eggs and make some potato salad.

Where'll we go?

Well, there's a real nice picnic spot up by the lake.

The kids were telling me about it.

Isn't that pretty far?

Only about an hour.

But no fishing.

OK, OK.

And no football.

Yeah.

It's no fun being tackled when you're full of potato salad.

Oh, wait a second.

Football.

I-- I can't go tomorrow.

OK.

We'll play football, and I won't eat any potato salad.

It has nothing to do with that.

There's a Sports Spectacular on television tomorrow afternoon,

the football highlights of the last 10 years.

I just don't want to miss it.

What time's it on?

It starts at 4:00.

Oh, we can get home by then easily.

Sure.

Well, I suppose so, if we leave early enough.

We can leave any time you say.

Oh, OK.

Look, why don't we all have a fast cup of coffee,

and then you rush right home and start taking your shower?

Sure.

Oh, here.

I'll get that.

This everything?

Yeah, I think so.

Any sign of the Randolphs yet?

Not yet, but they ought to be along any minute.

Look, why don't we go back in the house?

I think we're out here waiting for them.

Well, we are.

Seems to me, I spend half my life

waiting around for the Randolphs.

And it's not Clara, you know.

It's Joe.

He's always late.

Oh, it's not that bad.

I don't want to be late today, for sure.

It's a long drive up there.

And if we're going to get back here by 4 o'clock,

we better get started.

It's OK with me.

Well, why don't we drive over there and pick them up.

That'll save a little time.

Look, in all fairness to Joe, they're not late yet.

They are now.

Oh, good morning, Oz, Harriet.

Come on in.

- You're not even dressed. - Will only take me a minute.

Besides, we have to wait for Clara.

- Isn't she up yet? - Oh, sure.

She's up and out.

Go on in and sit down.

Where'd she go?

She went downtown to get some chicken.

Well, you said last night you had some.

Well, we did have.

But she made the mistake of mentioning it

when we got home last night. And you ate it?

Yeah.

Sure was good, too.

Now we have to stand around and wait

till she cooks some more. Oh, no, no, no.

I've got a little barbecue we can take along.

Hi.

I hope I didn't hold you guys up.

No, that's OK.

I'm just sorry you had to go downtown.

Oh, I didn't mind.

I thought you were going to get dressed.

No, I would have been, but Oz came over here and held me up.

What are you talking about?

You were probably asleep on the couch.

Well, I guess we really should get started.

- Yeah, come on, Joe. - OK.

Why don't you have some coffee? I'll be down in two minutes.

Just have to shave, take a shower, and get dressed.

Every time it rains its rains pennies from heaven.

Don't you know each cloud contains pennies from heaven.

Well, I guess we're all ready.

It's about time. You got everything?

Oh, I think so.

The chicken, the paper napkins, the coffee, the paper cups,

Ozzie and Harriet. Did you get the charcoal?

What for?

To barbecue the chicken.

I told you that.

Oh, I forgot.

But I got everything else, the napkins, the chicken,

the coffee, the paper cups, Ozzie and Harriet.

OK, OK.

We've got some charcoal, haven't we?

Well, we did have it. We used it all up.

Well, it's OK.

We can stop by a market on the way through town.

Let's go.

No, I wasn't going to go through town.

I'm going to take a shortcut.

Oh, we can't eat this chicken raw.

- I'm with you on that. - OK.

We'll stop off at a market. Yeah.

The one over by the high school.

Well, what difference does it make?

Then I can drop these off at the cleaners.

It's right down the street. Oh.

Oh, come on, Oz.

Smile.

We can't go on a picnic with a sourpuss.

Oh, this is a beautiful spot, isn't it?

Oh, it's perfect.

Yeah, this would be fine.

Well, come on, Harriet.

Let's get the stuff out.

- Need any help, Oz? - That's OK.

We'll be right with you.

It wasn't such a bad drive. Do you think so?

No.

We're in pretty good shape.

Look, relax, will you?

Nobody's going to have any fun if you

keep looking at your watch and rushing us around.

I'm not rushing anybody around.

Besides, I think my watch has stopped.

No, it's OK.

Well, hey, Joe, we may need your help after all.

Well, looks like that about does it.

Oh, we're ready whenever you are, fellas.

Why didn't you bring along some lighter fluid?

Well, I would have, but you were in such a big hurry

to get started. I didn't want to hold you up.

Oh.

What are you doing?

I'm just getting this stuff together

so we can pack it in the car.

Relax, will you?

We got plenty of time.

Well, it doesn't hurt to get started and clean things

up a little. Oh, come on, Ozzie.

Take it easy.

Harriet and I will take care of this.

Besides, we might want some more of this potato salad

when we get back from the hike.

Well, who's going on a hike?

You mean to say you've come all the way up

to a beautiful spot like this, and you're not even

going to take a look around?

Well, I've been looking around for the last couple of hours.

And it's beautiful.

But I just don't feel like going on a hike.

Look, why don't you two go on, and Oz and I

will get organized here.

Oh, Harriet that's not fair.

No, Clara is right.

Why should we have all the fun and you get stuck here

with grouchy old Oz?

Thanks a lot.

Well, you must admit, you haven't exactly

been the life of the party.

We'll be back in plenty of time for you

to see your roller derby.

It's not the roller derby.

It's a Sports Spectacular, the football

highlights of the last 10 years.

It's the only time they're going to show it.

OK. Don't worry.

We'll make it. Come on, Beautiful.

Let's hike up to Kissing Rock.

Are you talking to me?

Of course.

Somebody must have spiked his lemonade.

You've got a watch, I hope.

We'll be back in plenty of time.

Every time it rains, it rains--

Be careful dear, careful.

Pennies from heaven.

Oh, boy.

I wish you'd relax and enjoy yourself.

I'm enjoying myself.

I said last night I wanted to get back

in time to see the show.

Well, I'm sure we will.

Not if he can't help it.

He'll do everything he can to make us late.

Oh, I don't think he'd do a thing like that on purpose.

Well, maybe not.

Won't do any harm to get the car packed anyway.

Take off as soon as they get back.

All right.

I think I'll drive down the road and get some gas.

That'll save us a little time.

Do we need some?

Well, yeah, it's practically empty.

What about Joe and Clara?

We'll get back long before they do.

It's just down the road.

Oh, OK.

There you are.

Thanks very much.

Thank you.

Eh, going on a picnic?

- No, we've just been on one. - Oh, where'd you go?

Up to the lake? Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Everybody goes up there.

Yeah, it's real nice. Yeah.

Next time, you ought to try it down by the creek,

though, especially if you like do a little fishing.

Great spot.

Oh.

Is it-- is it far from here?

Oh, no, not at all.

Just go on down the road, make the first turn to the right.

It's a little dirt road. Take you right there.

Why don't you go on down and take a look at it?

- What do you think, Harriet? - What about Joe and Clara?

We can't keep them waiting. Are you kidding?

We've been waiting around for him all day.

Won't do him any harm to wait around for us for a change.

It won't take long.

Just about a half mile down the road.

Now, what do you say?

OK.

Oh, it's private property, so about halfway there,

you'll get to a little gate.

But you just give him that card.

Oh, thank you very much.

That'll be $1.

Oh.

Thank you.

Great.

Must've took the wrong turn back there.

We're not stuck in the mud.

How's it look?

Not too good.

Look, pull the car head very slowly,

but wait till I tell you.

I said to wait till I told you.

This is great.

We knock ourselves out getting back,

and they're not back from the hike yet.

Well, maybe they got lost or something.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Are you going to a masquerade or something?

Oh, no.

My car got stuck in the mud.

We're looking for a couple of friends of ours.

They drove up here with us, and they went for a hike,

and we can't find them.

Man and a woman?

That's right.

They came back about an hour ago.

They were waiting around.

The guy was getting madder and madder.

Oh, well, where did they go?

Do you know?

Well, they finally got some people to give a ride.

They went on back to town.

Oh, no.

What do they do that for?

Well, they probably thought we'd gone off and left them.

Friends of yours?

Well, they were.

There's nothing we can do about it now.

Well, thanks just the same. It's OK.

No charge.

Well, that's refreshing.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Pop.

Hi, Rick.

Hi, Rick.

That is you, isn't it, Pop?

Yeah, I got stuck in the mud up at the lake.

It looks like the car did too.

Yeah, it's pretty messy.

I just came over to borrow a couple of tools if it's OK.

Sure.

I'll give you a hand with this stuff.

If you can take that, I can take this.

Maybe put that in the garage for me later on.

OK.

Get in the house and get cleaned up.

Well, hey, wait a second. That's no fair.

What are you talking about?

Well, when we were little kids and came home muddy like that,

Mom used to make us change out in the back yard.

It's different.

You guys used to get pretty dirty, you know.

OK, that's good.

Harriet.

Good luck, Pop.

Harriet, door's locked.

I feel better.

You look better too.

You know, I think that mud did something to my complexion.

Well, don't tell the guy up at the gas station.

He'll be selling tickets to his health firm.

Will he?

Did you phone the Randolphs and explain the situation?

I thought I'd leave that little pleasure for you.

Oh, come on, Harriet.

You are so much better at those things than I am.

Besides, you know, we should be mad at them.

They drove off and left us.

Well, only because they thought

we drove off and left them.

You kept talking about your Sports Spectacular.

Believe me, I couldn't care less about that.

Besides, I-- I missed it anyway.

What kind of a friend does he think I am?

Does he think for one minute I'd drive off and leave him

and Clara alone in the woods?

You know, he owes me an apology.

Oh, that's beautiful, dear.

Why don't you call him up while you've still got it straight?

Actually, this is pretty funny.

Joe has got a good sense of humor.

He'll get a big kick out of this.

I hope so.

Now, why did you have to say a thing like that?

I said I hope so.

No, no, no, you didn't.

You said, I hope so.

No answer.

Well, maybe they're not home yet.

They must be.

They left before we did.

Well, maybe they didn't get a ride all the way.

Oh, yeah, that's a possibility.

You can phone them any time you want.

They just got back.

Maybe they won't think it's so funny after all.

Look, here's an idea.

Why don't I make some hot soup, and you can take it over there

as sort of a peace offering?

Oh, thanks a lot.

Why don't I make the soup and you take it over?

OK.

See, what was that idea I had before when I figured out

it was his fault?

Oh, never mind.

I'll figure something out.

Well, hi, Joe.

I hope you enjoyed your Sports Spectacular.

Joe, Joe.

If I find any marks on this door,

you'll hear from my lawyer.

Careful!

Then get your foot out of my door.

Well, at least you can listen to me.

I didn't see the Sports Spectacular.

A likely story.

The fact is, you left before we did.

Oh, come on, now.

When we got back from our hike, you were gone.

Well, that was because we got stuck

in the mud near the fishing place.

Fishing?

You mean, you left me stuck with Clara up at kissing rock

while you went fishing?

Joe.

I'm just trying to tell you we got stuck in the mud.

I got mud spatter all over me.

- I don't see any mud. - Well, of course not.

I took a shower when I got home.

Very convenient.

Now, will you get your foot out of my door?

I won't get my foot out of your door

until you listen to reason.

Now come on over to my house if you don't believe me,

and I'll show you the mud all over my clothes.

OK, then.

I can stand here as long as you can.

Clara, would you bring my electric blanket

and a long extension cord?

Stop acting like a child.

Now, come on over to my house and see my muddy clothes.

Well, OK.

But only because we still like Harriet.

Harriet.

Probably left her up in the mountains too.

She's out in the kitchen.

Harriet?

I'm out in the kitchen.

Could you come here a second?

- Oh, hi, Joe. - Hi, Harriet.

Listen, we're terribly sorry about what happened.

I was just explaining it to Clara on the phone.

Oh, well. Don't you worry about it.

We know it wasn't your fault. And we

want you to know that if you find living here unbearable,

there's always a place for you at our house.

I'm sure of it.

That's very funny.

Would you do me a favor and explain to Joe

that we didn't just drive off and leave them,

that we really did get stuck in the mud?

I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's

exactly what happened.

I must say I admire you, Harriet.

You're the kind of woman who'd say anything

to back up her husband.

Where are my clothes, the muddy clothes?

They're out in the kitchen.

Wise guy.

I'll show you.

Ozzie?

Harriet, where are my clothes?

My muddy clothes?

In the washer.

The washer?

There.

Well, they were muddy when she put them in there.

That's right.

They were covered with mud.

Harriet, you're beautiful.

You'd say anything to protect him, wouldn't you?

OK.

Hey, do I smell hot soup?

Sure do.

Do you want some?

I sure do.

It was awful cold out there on that motorcycle.

Wait-- wait a second. That's it.

The car. What car?

Well, my car. It's covered with mud.

Would you believe me if you saw that?

OK.

With some hot soup and mud on your car, I may be convinced.

Well, come on.

Oh, no.

Not till I've had my soup first. Hey, Pop.

Could you come here for a second?

I've got a little surprise for you.

Oh, OK.

Oh, hi, Mr. Randolph.

Hi, Rick.

What's that?

I had a little extra time, so I washed all that mud

off your car. Oh.

Is something wrong?

Well, that's OK.

There was no way of you knowing.

More soup, anybody?

Oh, no, thanks.

It sure was good, though, Harriet.

Sure was.

Oh, wait.

Listen.

I don't hear anything.

My teeth aren't chattering anymore.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

Just to show you I'm not mad at you,

I'll let you play golf with me tomorrow morning.

Well, as long as you put it that way,

I accept your apology.

What apology?

Please, Oz.

I'll play golf with you but only on condition

that you wash that car of yours.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a muddy car.

OK.

What time we make it?

Well, why don't I come by and pick you up about 8 o'clock?

We'll get an early start.

OK.

Now, just a second.

Maybe I better pick you up.

Oh, come on now, Oz.

I guarantee you I'll be on time.

OK.

You be on time, and I'll pick you up at 8 o'clock.

Ozzie?

Ozzie?

Weren't you supposed to pick Joe up at 8 o'clock?

Oh, I just lay down on the bed for a minute.

Must have fallen back to sleep.

Oh, this is great. I'll never hear the end of this.

Well, it's only five of. You can still make it.

Come on.

Hurry up.

Yeah?

What do you want?

What do you mean, what do I want?

We're supposed to play golf this morning.

Oh, yeah. What time is it?

It's about 10 after 8:00.

And you promised you wouldn't hang us up again today.

Oh, yeah. So I did today.

What time did you say it was again?

About 10 after 8:00.

That's what I thought.

Where have you been?

I've been sitting around here waiting for you.

Congratulations.

You're on time for the first time in your life.

That's right. And you're late.

From now on, when you say you're going to be here at 8 o'clock,

I expect to see you here at 8 o'clock,

and no more remarks about my holding you up.

You're overplaying this.

Well, maybe just a little bit.

- Where are your clubs? - Oh, they're over Doc's house.

I got to pick them up.

He borrowed them last week.

Well, that's in the opposite direction.

It's way out of our way.

Not really.

It's right over by the pancake shop.

What does the pancake shop got to do with anything?

I haven't had my breakfast yet.

- Well, I have. - Oh, good.

Then while I'm eating, maybe you can

stop by Clara's mother's house.

Her sink is stopped up.

- Anything else? - Yeah.

Don't just stand there.

Let's get going.

We're late.

I can see myself a knight in shining armor.

And I can see you there, a lady in distress.

There I go off to the rescue, sword in hand,

doing my best to save you from the fire breathin' dragon.

Oh, I do it every night.

I can see you there, the lovely Sleeping Beauty

waiting for your prince to break that magic spell.

There I go.

I'm off to kiss you.

Yes, I know.

I must do this to save you from sleep that's never-ending.

Oh, I do it every night.

Old King Cole was a happy old soul, but not as happy as me.

'Cause I've got you both day and night.

You're in my dreams and in reality.

I can see you there, the lovely Cinderella.

When the clock strikes 12:00, you always run away.

There I go, off to the rescue, slipper in hand,

doing my best to save you from the fire breathin' dragon,

the sleep that's never ending.

Oh, I do it every night.

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

was brought to you by ABC, where you'll see the most

talked-about man in television, Batman.

See him in color every Wednesday and Thursday nights.