Original subtitles

This is an ABC color presentation.

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

Here they are, America's favorite family, the Nelsons.

Helen, would you take care of these as soon as you can?

- OK. - Thanks.

- Hi, everybody. - Oh, hi, Wally.

- Oh, hi, Wall. - How's my favorite secretary?

Just fine, thanks.

If you want something typed, she's too busy today.

Well, what a suspicious guy.

Can't I even pay a girl a complement?

Of course, you can.

OK, what do you want me to type?

Nothing, honest.

I just dropped in to say hello.

You mean you're not selling anything

and you don't want to borrow anything?

You don't want us to do anything for you?

Of course not.

Well, hi, Wally, glad to see you.

Oh.

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Oh, that'd be fine, thank you.

She asked me.

I didn't ask her.

Relax, will you?

How have things been going?

Oh, fine, thanks.

I played poker last night. I was a big winner.

Oh? What'd you win?

I won back a bunch of my old IOUs.

Well, that's something, anyway.

You know what that reminded me of?

Yeah, I've still got three of your IOUs myself.

No, I was thinking about the time

we played poker over at your house.

Remember?

June was out, and a couple of us got hungry.

A couple of us?

OK, I got hungry.

And we ate that great big chocolate cream pie.

You mean the one June baked for the woman's club bazaar?

How can I forget it?

Oh, what happened with that anyway?

How'd you explain it to her? I didn't.

You mean you never told her about it?

Are you kidding?

Well, what'd you do?

I'll tell you what he did.

He called me about midnight, woke me up,

said how's my favorite secretary,

and talked me into baking a chocolate cream pie.

Oh. You sly devil.

And that's the pie you took to the woman's club.

Shh.

June might be downtown shopping.

Oh.

And her name was Pat, wasn't it?

Well, yeah, but, for gosh sake's,

don't mention her around Barbara.

She doesn't know anything about her.

Oh, no, of course not.

Oh, hiya, Rick, I'm glad I ran into you.

I have a question I want to ask you.

Oh, here it is.

What was the name of that girl you

had a date with the night Kris was up in the mountains

with her folks? A date?

What's this?

I didn't have a date with anybody.

Well, sure you did. Don't you remember?

We went over to her house and she

cooked that beautiful spaghetti for us.

That wasn't a date, and you know it.

I went bowling with Wally and Ginger,

and this girlfriend of Ginger's asked if we'd drive her home.

Oh, that's OK, Rick.

You don't have to explain.

Well, he makes it sound like a big deal.

Well, it was.

That was the best spaghetti I ever tasted.

That's why I was so late.

It took him forever to finish his usual three helpings.

Oh, forget it.

What was her name, anyway?

Well, how should I know?

Jackie something.

Oh, yeah, Jackie Weatherby.

What did Kris say when you told her about it?

About what?

About the little midnight spaghetti party.

Well, nothing.

I didn't tell her about it.

I didn't think it was that important.

Well, if you ask me, I think Wally's been

getting pretty nosy lately.

Yeah, he sure has.

What's it all about, Wally?

Wally?

Well, where'd he go?

He probably went up to his room.

That's where he's been spending most of his time lately.

That doesn't sound like Wally.

What do you suppose he's up to with all those questions?

I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.

I never even seen the girl before or since.

Go ahead, open it.

What's the matter?

Well, it sounds like a typewriter.

Wally? Come back later.

I'm working. Working?

You sure that's Wally in there?

This guy must be an imposter.

Come on, will you?

We just want to talk to you for a minute.

Wally?

Wally?

Hey, Willie, let me borrow that dinner gong for a second.

Don't ring it. Dinner isn't ready yet.

Well, that's OK.

This is an emergency.

You guys better stand back.

First call for dinner.

Dinner is served.

Wally!

Boy, talk about Pavlov and his dogs.

Hey, look at this.

It says June Nelson.

June?

Hey, that's my girl.

June Nelson?

No, here on the pad-- Barbara Clark.

Hey, what are you guys doing here, anyway?

Get away from this stuff. What is all this?

It's private, that's what it is.

Now come on, you guys, get out of here.

We're not gonna get out of here until you

tell us what's going on.

It's none of your darn business.

Now everybody out.

We just want to know what you're up to.

What are you talking about?

You know darn well what we're talking about.

You've been asking an awful lot of personal questions lately.

Yeah, and what about all these names?

OK, if you must know, I'll tell ya,

but only if you promise to get out of here and leave me alone.

OK, what is it?

I'm writing a book.

A book?

You're writing a book?

That strikes you as being so unusual?

That strikes me as being ridiculous.

How can you write a book when you've never even read one?

Ha, ha, ha, very funny.

Now come on, everybody out.

Now wait a second. OK, you're writing a book.

Well, what's all this big mystery?

Well, I just don't want anybody

stealing my ideas, that's all.

Nobody's gonna steal anything.

We just want to know what's going on.

That's between me and my publisher.

Your publisher?

You mean somebody is actually interested in publishing

your book? That's right.

And you sent them a manuscript?

Well, not exactly. I sent them the first chapter.

And they said they liked it?

Well, I'm sure they will.

I haven't exactly heard from them yet.

Oh, well, then you haven't exactly gotten any money.

Are you kidding?

It was so bad, they haven't even sent me a rejection slip.

OK, you guys can laugh if you want to.

OK.

Just a second, fellas.

We're interrupting his creative thinking.

Oh, sorry.

Just imagine, a real, live author right here in our house.

Wait till I write home and tell my mom and dad.

To think it all started right here.

No, no, don't touch anything.

Someday this humble dwelling may be a national shrine.

Hear, hear.

OK, you guys can laugh if you want to,

but you'll be sorry when I'm rich and famous.

Hey, we can laugh again, fellas.

I'm home, dear.

Oh, good, I wanted to ask you a couple of questions.

Hi, Wally, I didn't know you were here.

Oh, yes, sir.

Mrs. Nelson said it was all right.

Oh, sure.

I mean, I just didn't drop in to say hello.

I'm working here.

Could you come in the den for a couple of minutes?

Well, sure.

Just a second.

This isn't a surprise party?

I mean, it's not my birthday or anything, is it?

Oh, no, nothing like that.

Let's see.

Oh, here it is.

How is your memory, Mr. Nelson?

Oh, pretty good.

What is it you want to know?

Well, you remember a couple of years ago, three years

to be exact, when you had that great New Year's Eve

party over here? That was a great party.

Oh, yeah, we did have a lot of fun.

Oh, if you mean who was it called the police,

we never did find out.

Actually, we weren't making that much noise.

No, I wasn't thinking of that, but do you

remember that redheaded girl?

You remember her, right?

You were dancing with her, and all the wives

were glaring at her.

Oh.

Well, there were a lot of attractive girls

here that night. Well, you remember this one.

She's the one that brought the fruit punch,

and she left the punchbowl locked in the trunk of her car,

and you went out to help her bring it in.

Oh, oh.

Yes, it seems to me I do remember something

like that vaguely.

Vaguely?

You were gone for almost an hour.

Yeah, now I remember.

The reason it took so long was because of the flat tire.

What was her name? Do you remember?

Gloria Tannehill.

Well, for someone who couldn't remember her,

you sure came up with her name in a hurry.

Oh.

Well, it's-- it's kind of an easy name to remember.

What are you writing there?

Oh, nothing.

Did you have any trouble explaining it to Mrs. Nelson?

Oh, no.

Well, actually, I didn't bother to explain it to her.

See, it's kind of a long, involved story.

Tannerhill.

Is that with two N's?

Yes, I believe it is.

It was all perfectly innocent.

See, she got the flat tire when we

parked at the side of the road.

See, we had to pull over because she ran out of gas.

Oh, you mean the flat tire wasn't in front of the house?

No.

See, the punchbowl was in the trunk of her car,

and she'd forgotten the key, so we

had to drive over to her apartment to get it.

See, she had the key to the ignition,

but she'd left the key to the trunk in her apartment.

I see.

You can understand why I--

I didn't bother to explain this to Mrs. Nelson.

Oh, yes, sir.

I wouldn't try that story on my father.

Fortunately, Mrs.--

Hi, dear.

Oh!

You scared me half to death there.

I'm sorry. Dinner's ready.

Oh, great, I'll go wash my hands.

Excuse me.

Wally tell you about his project?

What project?

He's writing a book.

He's writing a book?

Can you believe it?

Be careful what you say.

It's liable to wind up in print.

Oh.

Hi, Jack.

Oh, hi, Mr. Nelson.

What'll you have?

Oh, I think I'll have a quart of strawberry,

a quart of chocolate, and a quart of vanilla,

and a container of chocolate syrup.

Yes, sir.

Oh, would you like that in a cone

or do you want to take it with you?

Just put it in a big bag and I'll take it with me.

OK.

Gee, I think there are a couple of relatives

of yours over there.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

- Hi, Pop. - Hi, fellas.

Hi, Pop.

Hi, Mr. Nelson, sit down.

Oh, thanks.

How'd you guys manage to escape the wives tonight?

Well, the fraternity had its quarterly "get the husbands out

of the house" meeting.

Oh.

How'd you manage it, Mr. Nelson?

Well, I just came down to buy a little ice cream.

A little?

Well, quite a little, but I'll have plenty of help eating it.

Wally's at the house.

So that's why you came.

Yeah, he says he's working on a book.

So that's what he's up to.

I was wondering why he was writing in that notebook.

Is that panic I see in your eyes?

What'd you tell him, Dave?

Well, nothing.

At least nothing he could use, I hope.

What's wrong with a guy's secretary baking a pie for him?

Oh, is that all?

That's nothing.

That doesn't sound half as bad as--

well, see, there was this big redhead--

well, there was this redhead, and she ran out of gas.

Well, anybody is liable to get a flat tire.

Well, it's-- never mind.

I doubt if anybody has anything

to worry about, anyway.

He'll never get the thing published.

Hey, I never thought about that angle.

The odds on that must be about a thousand to one.

It's tough enough for a good writer to get a book published.

Wally's flunked English four times.

Besides, he never finishes anything he starts,

unless it's food.

Oh, hi, Gary.

Hi, fellas.

Hey, have you guys seen Wally?

Well, yeah, what do you want him for?

Oh, I picked up this letter of his by mistake.

Oh, I'll give it to him.

He's over at our house.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Nelson.

Hudson Publishing Company.

Let me see that.

Oh, it's probably just a rejection slip.

For a hundred dollars?

Hey, how about this?

They're gonna buy my book.

Oh, that's wonderful, Wally.

Sure is.

Yeah.

They even sent me a check.

Yeah, for a hundred dollars.

A hundred dollars.

That seemed like a reasonable advance.

Boy, a hundred dollars.

You realize how much money that is?

That's almost as much as I owe.

Well, we're very happy for you, Wally.

Yeah, we sure are.

Yeah.

You sure you want to finish the book now?

Of course.

I wouldn't think of letting my publisher down.

Well, better get back to work.

Wally?

Yes, sir?

You are familiar with the laws of libel, aren't you?

Well, sure.

I mean, Dave would be happy to look over your manuscript

and give you any advice you might need.

Oh, that's OK.

As I understand it, nothing is libelous

as long as you tell the truth. Well, it's--

- That's not always true. - Not always.

As Pop said, I'll be happy to look over

the manuscript for you. He's a lawyer.

- Just to make sure. - Oh, well, that's OK, Dave.

I don't think that'll be necessary, but thanks anyway.

- No charge. - It's--

Well, I better get back to the old drawing board.

A writer must write, right?

A bite to eat, fellas?

Oh, no, thanks, Mom.

I better be getting home before I get in more trouble

then I may be in already. Yeah, me too.

- Well, say hello to the girls. - OK.

Pop, you've got to find some way

to get a look at that manuscript.

Well, gee, I don't know about you guys,

but I'm completely innocent.

- So am I. - Yeah, me too.

It's just that I never got around

to telling June about this particular incident,

and, well, if it ever got into print,

I'd have a little explaining to do.

That's my situation exactly.

Yeah.

I'll see what I can do about it.

- Who is it? - Just me.

Oh, yes, sir.

Mrs. Nelson told me you were working down here.

Yes, sir.

I-- isn't it kind of damp down here in the cellar?

Well, yes, sir, but writers are supposed to suffer,

you know?

Oh.

So they say.

Besides, I'd kind of like to be away from people

who might want to snoop around.

Oh.

Yeah, well, I just came down here

to-- to look for something.

Oh, well, it's your basement, go ahead.

Well, see, I--

If you're looking for these love letters,

they're in this box right here.

- Love letters? - Yes, sir.

They fell out when I was trying to move this trunk.

Who's sweetie poo?

You read them?

Oh, no, of course not.

I just saw one or two of them when I was putting them back.

Oh.

Well, sweetie-- I--

it's just-- I-- somebody used to call somebody sweetie poo.

Oh, I see.

Well, if you're all done trying to spy,

I'd kind of like to get back to work.

Spy?

No.

Whatever gave you that idea?

Well, a fella can't be too careful.

I don't mean to hurt your feelings,

but a man has to protect his ideas.

Oh.

Yes, of course.

Ah.

Well, I'll-- I'll let you get back to work.

Oh, I think I'll take these with me, if you don't mind.

Oh, and by the way, I'm not sweetie poo.

That's Mrs. Nelson.

I just thought I'd straighten that out for you.

Oh.

Yes, sir.

And if you-- if you want anything, just let me know.

Yes, sir.

Boy, I'll tell you one thing.

If Caroline ever finds out I was up at Lookout Point

with Cynthia, I'm gonna wring that Wally's neck.

Hey, wait a minute. You were up there with Cynthia?

My girl? No, no, not your girl.

Cynthia Adams.

Cynthia Adams?

That's my girl.

What were you doing up at Lookout Point with my girl?

Relax, will ya?

We were just delivering some stuff for the church picnic.

How was I supposed to know it wasn't until the next week?

Just remember, you guys.

The night we raided the dean's house, I was sick.

What about pumping ice water into the girls shower?

We didn't do that.

Maybe not, but we took credit for it.

Well, I don't know what you guys are so worried about.

I may be in trouble with my wife.

Maybe he used fictitious names.

Oh, sure, something like Nicky Relson.

Well, what are we gonna do about it?

Why don't we quit fooling around?

Let's just tell him we want to see what he's writing.

Well, sure.

I mean, if we're gonna be in it, we

ought to have the right to see it.

There's not much chance for that.

He won't show it to anybody.

My father tried to get a look at it all last week.

Your father?

Yeah, it's got something to do with a flat tire

and a redhead named Gloria.

Gloria?

My mother?

I say we go over there right now and take a look at it.

Yeah, me too. Where is he, Rick?

Well, last I heard, he was down in the basement.

Well, how are we gonna get him out of there?

We'll smoke him out.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, hi, Rick. Hi, fellas.

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Mrs. Nelson.

If you guys are looking for ice cream,

I'm afraid I'm all out.

As a matter of fact, I'm just about out of everything

since Wally's been here.

Where is he? We want to have a talk with him.

Well, I haven't seen him for quite a while,

but I imagine he's downstairs in the basement working

on his book.

Thanks.

Is that you, Wally?

Yes, ma'am, I was just up there

putting the typewriter away.

Oh, well, some of the boys were looking for you.

I sent them down to the basement.

Oh, thank you.

Will you tell them I'll be right back?

I want to run this manuscript down to the corner mailbox

in time for the 4 o'clock mail. OK.

Oh, by the way, I put apples on the grocery list.

This is the last one.

- Hey, Mom, he's not down there. - Yes, I know.

He'll be right back. He wants you to wait for him.

He just went down at the corner for a minute to the mailbox.

The mailbox?

- To mail a letter? - No, his manuscript.

He finished it.

His manuscript?

Hey, fellas.

What was the stampede all about?

I guess they're trying to catch up with Wally.

Wally? What for?

Well, I just told them he went down to the corner

to mail his manuscript, and they all tore out of here.

His manuscript?

Wally!

Hiya, fellas.

Where's that manuscript?

Oh, I just mailed it.

What do you mean, you just mailed it?

Oh, just what I said.

I walked down to the corner and dropped it in the mailbox.

Why shouldn't I? It was finished.

Well, I'll tell you this much.

There had better not be anything libelous in there.

What do you mean, anything libelous?

Of course, there isn't. Hey!

What happened? Are we too late?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Oh, great.

Well, that figures.

What's the matter with everybody, anyway?

Just answer me one question.

Did you or didn't you mention Carolyn?

Who?

Carolyn, the girl I'm engaged to.

Did you or didn't you mention her in that book of yours?

Is that what you're worried about?

Why didn't you say so?

Of course, I mentioned her.

And I mentioned Barbara, and Cynthia, and the spaghetti

girl.

Now, look, there was nothing to that, and you know it.

Are you kidding?

That was the beginning of my spiciest chapter.

That's just great. Thanks a lot.

- What about June and the pie? - Oh, wait a minute.

Did I forget that?

No, that was in there, too.

OK, Wally, we want to know exactly what's in that book.

Oh, no.

Sorry, fellas, but the interview's over.

If you want to know what's in it, you'll have to buy a copy.

That is if you can get one.

The presses might not be able to keep up with the demand.

Well, I'll see you guys.

Oh, and rest easy.

I'll be glad to autograph all your copies free of charge.

Oh, well, let him go.

There's nothing we can do about it now, anyhow.

I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna tell June about the pie

before she reads it in that book and jumps

to the wrong conclusion.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Honesty is the best policy.

As long as we're gonna get caught anyway.

For goodness sake's, Harriet, be reasonable.

Anybody can have a flat tire and-- and run out of gas.

Ah.

Well, it looks like I'm gonna be making a long-distance phone

call to Barbara. Long distance?

It's only in the next block.

Yeah, I know, but I think I'd better

call her from out of town.

You're lucky.

I've got a date with Cynthia.

I'll make a deal with you.

I'll go on the date and explain the situation to Cynthia

and you go over to my mother's house

and explain my problem to her and ask

her to explain it to Kris.

Now, wait a minute.

Why are we so excited about these big explanations, anyway?

I mean, we're not guilty of anything.

That's right.

Sure, we haven't actually done anything wrong.

Of course not.

Well, that sounds logical to us, but don't forget we're

dealing with women.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Well, I don't know about you guys,

but I'm gonna pick up my books and go home for dinner.

It's a little early, isn't it?

Well, it won't be by the time I

pick up some ice cream, candy, flowers,

check on my life insurance policy, and rehearse my speech.

- You might have an idea there. - Which part?

No, no, listen.

And when is the best time to tell a girl something that you

don't want to tell her? Oh, when she's in a good mood.

Right.

You turn the lights down low, put on some soft music,

take her gently in your arms.

Then pin them to her side so she can't hit you.

They can still kick you in the shins.

Now, wait a minute, you guys.

Here's my idea.

We throw a party here at the house tonight,

and while the girls are in a good mood,

we just casually make our explanations.

And if that doesn't work, we can always run upstairs.

They're not allowed up there.

- Hi. - Hi, Rick.

- Having a good time? - Oh, yeah.

What a surprise.

I mean, having a dance like this on the spur of the moment.

Well, we just thought you girls might enjoy it.

Oh, yeah.

Say, listen, there's this little something

I'd like to tell you about, honey.

What's that?

Well, why don't we dance a little more first?

OK.

Hi, Jim.

Oh.

Hi, Rick.

Guess I'm a little nervous.

You talk to Barbara yet?

No, not yet.

I'm waiting for the right moment.

Well, I thought that was the idea of the dance.

Well, yeah, I'll get around to it.

Have you told Kris about the spaghetti party yet?

No, I haven't had the chance yet.

Same with me.

Good luck.

Thanks.

Hi, Dave.

Oh, hi, Rick.

You explain to June about the chocolate pie?

No, not yet.

How about you?

Have you told Kris about the girl and the spaghetti?

No, but I'm going to any minute.

I know what you mean.

I just thought I'd get June some punch

or some of those little cupcakes or something.

Oh, Kris is helping out in the kitchen.

I thought maybe I'd have another dance with her first

and then break the news.

I wonder how the rest of the guys are doing.

I think they're all moving in the right direction.

They're probably waiting for the right kind of music.

Something like "Goodnight, Sweetheart."

- Wally. - Hi, Wally.

Oh, a fine thing.

Why didn't you guys tell me you were having a dance tonight?

We thought it didn't have anything

to do with you, sort of.

Are you kidding?

With all this food here?

Boy, who baked these cupcakes?

Charlie's mother.

They're great.

Doggone it, I wish I would have tasted these last night.

I could have put the recipe in my book.

Wouldn't that be a little mild to

that scandalous expose of yours?

Scandalous expose?

It's a cookbook.

A cookbook?

OK, so now you know.

But no fair stealing any of the recipes.

You'll have to buy the book.

Well, what about all those questions

you were asking me about Jackie? You know, the spaghetti girl.

Well, I had to find out her name.

How else could I get in touch with her

and find out the recipe for the spaghetti?

And that's why you were asking about the chocolate cream pie?

Oh, I got two recipes for that--

June and Ms. Edwards, your secretary.

You mean that's all you wanted was a recipe?

Well, of course. What else?

We thought you were writing the story of your life.

Are you kidding?

Food is the story of my life.

And I've got documented evidence right here to prove it.

A cookbook.

Yeah.

Well, at least I won't have to explain anything to June.

And I won't have to explain anything to Kris, either.

Hey.

What about the other guys?

Yeah.

Gee, honey, I don't know how to tell you this,

but, well, you're gonna find out about it anyway when

you read Wally's book.

Sean, I just heard you talking about Wally's cookbook.

Cookbook?

Yep, there's nothing in it but recipes.

Where was I?

Oh, yes, I was about to tell you that Wally

has written a cookbook.

Well, I know that.

He phoned and asked me for one of my recipes.

Oh, I didn't know that.

May I cut in, please?

Oh, well, certainly, Dave.

I got good news for you.

Wally's book is a cookbook.

You're kidding?

No, he just told us.

Great.

Well, I think we got everybody.

- That sure was a close call. - Yeah.

It's pretty funny though, when you

think about it-- a cookbook.

Wait till we tell Pop.

Yeah.

Pop!

Holy smokes.

Hello, Pop?

I've got good news.

You don't have to do any explaining to Mom.

Wally's book turned out to be a cookbook.

Yeah, he just wanted the name of that

redhead so he could get the recipe for her fruit punch.

Oh.

That's-- that's very interesting.

Yeah, just in time.

OK, thanks for calling.

Bye.

Who was that, dear?

That was Dave.

Oh, what'd he want?

Oh, nothing important.

How do you like the flowers?

Oh, they're just beautiful, dear.

And the candy?

Oh, it's my favorite.

Now what was it you were going to tell me?

Oh, it-- it was really nothing.

I just wanted to tell you about the big sale

they're having down at the flat tire--

the mall.

Some big redhead-- a big sale on candy and liars.

Cowards and-- candy and flowers.

I thought you'd never get through that.

I thought you might run out of gas again.

Who told you?

Told me what?

Oh, nothing.