Original subtitles

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

Here they are, America's favorite family, the Nelsons.

Hi, Oz.

Well, hi, Darb.

They tell me you're going to be a bachelor this weekend.

Yeah, sally's going to visit her mother

for a couple of days.

Oh, good, when does she leave?

About an hour from now.

Well, make sure you've got plenty of gas in the car.

You wouldn't want to run out on your way to the airport.

Oh, I'll check it.

Say, I'll tell you why I dropped by.

I was wondering if you'd like to go fishing with me,

you know, just the two of us.

We could leave tonight and have a nice, long weekend.

Oh, gee, I'd like to, but I kind of

hate to leave Harriet alone.

Well, we can take off in the morning, if you'd rather.

Oh, thanks, but I really don't think I'd better.

Well, OK.

I know how it is with you old married man.

- Oh, hi, dear. - Hi.

Thought I heard you out here.

Hi, Darb.

Well, hi, Harriet.

Oh, thought Sally wasn't leaving for an hour yet.

Hey, that's right.

I'd better get going.

I wouldn't want to be late getting Sally to the airport.

Bye.

So long, Darb.

I was just talking to Clara.

She and Joe wanted us to come over and play bridge tonight.

Oh, gee.

Yeah, I felt the same way about it.

I was kind of counting on just relaxing around the house

tonight. Well, yeah, me too.

What'd you tell her?

Well, I told her I'd talk to you.

I didn't know what your plans were.

Oh, trying to pass the buck to me, huh?

Just stalling a little.

You know how easily Clara's feelings get hurt.

Yeah, and we turned them down for the movies last week.

Well, what'll I say?

How do I get out of it?

I don't know.

You're better at those things than I am.

What do you mean by that?

Well, nothing.

I-- well, why don't you just tell them the truth?

Tell them we're kind of tired, and we'll play bridge with them

next week.

Well, OK.

Sure, they're good friends.

They'll understand.

I suppose so--

at least I hope so.

Oh, hi, Clara.

It's Harriet.

Uh, listen, I talked to Ozzie and, uh--

uh, hold on for a minute, will you?

I can't tell her we just don't want to go over there.

Well, uh, tell her we can't make it

because I have to go fishing.

Clara?

Just a minute.

Ozzie, I can't tell her that.

That's a deliberate lie.

It doesn't have to be.

See, Darb asked me to go fishing with him,

and I turned him down.

But if it'll help solve our problem, I'll go with him.

You're a real martyr.

Sorry to keep you waiting, Clara.

I was talking to Ozzie.

Listen, I'm afraid we can't make it tonight.

He's going fishing.

Yeah, well, you know how much I love to play bridge.

Maybe we can make it next week, huh?

OK.

I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

There. You see?

I told you better at those things than I am.

Well, I must say.

I felt pretty funny about it.

I'll make an honest woman of you.

I told you.

I'll go fishing if it'll help solve our problem.

I better call Darb.

Well, he's probably on his way to the airport with Sally

right now. Oh, yeah.

Well, I'll call him right after dinner.

That's pretty sneaky, you know that?

What are you talking about?

That's a pretty sneaky way of getting to sneak off and do

your sneaky fishing.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Clara.

Listen, Harriet, I just got a wonderful idea.

Oh, what's that?

Well, I just felt terrible about you're

sitting over there by yourself tonight with Ozzie gone.

Oh, that's all right.

No, no, now listen.

I was just saying to Joe.

I said to him, Joe, you know how much

Harriet loves to play bridge.

And Joe said, uh huh.

And then I said, well, why don't we have her over anyway?

Well, that's awfully nice of you to think of me, Clara.

But three-handed bridge isn't much fun.

Oh, I know that.

But I called Darb, and he said he'd

love to come over and play.

He did?

What's that?

They want me to play bridge.

She's got Darby to come over as a fourth.

Darby? Well, he's going fishing.

Well, apparently, he isn't.

Well, for gosh sakes.

Harriet?

Oh, yeah, Clara.

Oh, Harriet, I think we've got a bad connection or something.

Testing? One, two, three?

Testing?

No, I can hear you OK.

Oh, well, we'll be seeing you then.

Do you want Joe to go over and pick you up?

Oh, no. No, that's OK.

Well, we'll see you about eight o'clock, then--

or as soon as you can make it.

All right, goodbye.

You didn't accept, did you?

Well, I couldn't help it.

Well, this is ridiculous.

You're playing bridge with Darby,

and I'm going fishing with him.

Well, apparently, you're going fishing with yourself.

Well, I'm not going to drive all the way up

to the lake by myself.

Hey, maybe Joe would go fishing with me.

He's going to play bridge.

Look, well, why don't I just call Clara and tell her I've

changed my mind, and I'm not going fishing after all.

Oh, I don't think you can do that.

You know Clara.

She'd get upset if she thought you

were going to be sitting around the house with nothing to do.

She'll probably try and fill out another bridge table,

and she'd send out for refreshments.

You don't want me to go.

Well, of course I don't want you to go.

I don't even want to go myself.

I guess I'll just sit around read a little,

watch television-- do the things you were going to do.

In the dark?

What do you mean in the dark?

Well, you can't go around the house turning the lights

on and off.

Joe and Clara might see you.

Yeah, and what about Darb?

He's going to be pretty sore at me.

What do you mean?

Well, Clara probably told him I was going fishing,

so it's going to look like I turned

him down and then went up to the lake fishing without him.

And on top of that, he gets stuck with playing bridge

with you.

What does that mean?

Well, I don't mean--

I mean get stuck playing bridge.

Hey, look, maybe you could explain it to them, you know,

the first part.

Well, if I got a chance.

Well, gee, I hope you do.

Well, I better get going.

It's almost 7:30 now.

Uh, look, Harriet.

I don't mind you going out without me tonight,

but let's not make a habit of this, huh?

You all ready?

Yeah, I'll be back just as soon as I can.

Don't worry about me.

I won't be going anyplace.

Well, there's plenty of ice cream out there,

and I got you some more chocolate syrup.

Oh, thanks.

If I get lonesome, I'll start eating.

All right, I'll see you later.

Stay out of sight now.

Oh, don't worry.

- Hi, Harriet. - Oh, Clara.

I hate to bother you, but I need to borrow a deck of cards.

Oh, sure.

Joe was showing off the other night.

He's got this trick where it makes the Jack of diamonds

disappear, and now we can't find it.

Oh, well, I've got one right here.

There we are.

OK, let's go. Oh, you left your lights on.

Oh, well, we always leave those on.

Well, that's silly.

Joe says that's a waste of money.

Oh, you left them out in here, too.

Joe always says a light unburned is a penny earned.

That's pretty corny, isn't it?

Well, here we are.

- Hi, Darb. - Hi, Harriet.

- Hi, Joe. - Hi, girls.

How bout that Oz, sneaking off to go fishing?

Yeah, how about that?

Joe, you forgot the peanuts.

Well, I'll take your jacket, Harriet.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I'm not sure if I'm going

to speak to that husband of yours, if I ever see him again.

Turns me down, then goes off fishing with somebody else.

No, he didn't go with anybody else.

He didn't go at all. He what?

But don't say anything to Joe and Clara, huh?

Why?

Was he supposed to go fishing with them, too?

Oh, I'll explain it to you later.

OK, let's get started.

Now, does everybody know the hand signals?

a scoop of strawberry.

Now slice a banana and place the links around the ice cream,

forming a cone.

Now this makes the sides of our famous volcano sundae.

Now pour a tablespoon of fresh pineapple over the top.

And smother it all under a thick coating

of rich, creamy chocolate syrup.

Top it off with a cherry.

And for a real flavor treat, eat it all with a genuine Hershey's

plastic disposable spoon.

Oz?

Is that you?

Uh, yeah, can I talk to Harriet, please?

Oh, sure, she's right here.

Harriet.

You got a lot of nerve calling, you bum, after the trick

you pulled.

What's this?

Running off to the lake like that.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Say, how are things up there, anyway?

Uh, oh, well, it's always the same at the lake.

Well, here she is, Oz. It's Oz.

He's calling from the lake.

He is?

Hello, Ozzie? Yeah.

What's the matter?

Is there something wrong?

Yeah, I can't find the chocolate syrup.

What?

The chocolate syrup.

I built myself a volcano, but I can't find the syrup.

A volcano?

At the lake?

Uh, well, uh--

You can't talk, right?

That's right.

Well, look, I'll ask the questions,

and you just give me the answers.

Fine, dear.

Is it in the kitchen?

No.

How about the dining room?

Just say am I hot or cold.

You're cold.

Oh, did he forget his coat?

No, no, he's OK.

Can't you give me a hint?

Well, why don't you check in the back of the car?

It might be in there. Oh.

Oh, thanks.

Good, his coat's in the back of the car.

Well, have a good time, dear.

Just a second, Harriet.

I want to talk to that bum.

Just a second, Oz.

Hello, Oz?

This is Darb.

Oh, hi, Darb!

Boy, what a nice guy you turned out to be,

running off fishing without me.

No, no, no.

Didn't Harriet explain?

Explain what?

Don't let the others know, but I'm not at the lake at all.

You're not?

Does Harriet know about this?

Of course.

It's kind of complicated, but if you want to go fishing,

meet me at my house early tomorrow morning,

say around four o'clock.

Uh, well, OK.

Look, I got to hang up now.

My volcano's melting.

OK.

What did he say, Darb?

He said, uh--

uh, never mind.

Let's get back to the volcano--

uh, bridge.

You want some more cake, Harriet?

Oh, no. Thank you.

It was very good, though.

I like cake like this, you know, not too light.

I know what you mean.

Well, I can't understand why there's so much left.

It's probably cause Oz isn't here.

Oh, you're so right.

Well, if you both will excuse me.

I'd better be going. You have to leave so soon?

Well, you know how it is. Sally's out of town.

This is my night to howl.

Your night to what?

I'm going to take Sally's picture, put it on the pillow

right next to me, start a big fight, and for the first time

in my life, have the last word.

Thanks for filling in, Darb.

Oh, not at all. It was my pleasure.

- Good night, everybody. - Good night, Darb.

Good night, Darb.

See ya.

Well, it was such a lovely evening, Clara.

I'm so glad you could come over.

Here, I'll help you with these.

Oh, no, I'll get them later.

And if I don't, Joe will get them in the morning.

I heard that, and that's the way it usually works out,

isn't it?

Well, as long as I can't help, I might as well run along, too.

- We'll walk you home. - Oh, no.

Thank you. That's all right.

That's a good idea.

It's a beautiful night.

Besides, it'll help me walk off that cake.

Well, thanks for walking me home.

Our pleasure.

It certainly was.

Have you got your key?

Yup, it's here someplace.

Wait a minute.

I think I just saw a light go out in the back of the house.

You did?

Oh, well, it's probably just a reflection or a light

from a car or something. No, I don't think so.

There was no car.

Well, whatever it is, I'm sure it's all right.

Don't forget they had a burger at the Glassons last week.

Well, that's across town.

Well, if I was a burglar, I'd never hit the same place twice.

Oh, really, I'm sure it's OK.

Harriet, you better let Joe check the house.

If he doesn't, I won't sleep all night.

And if she doesn't sleep all night,

then I won't sleep all night.

No, really, I'm sure it's all right.

No, I better check.

Go.

Really, Joe, everything's all right.

Harriet, you'll scare them away.

That's not a bad idea.

Suppose there's a reward.

Who needs it?

Well, nobody's here now.

Well, maybe you're right.

Wait a minute.

You still have to check the house.

OK. OK.

Ooh, what was that?

Go see.

I'm coming through, and I'm armed!

You are not.

Well, I am now!

Harriet.

You scared me to death.

I scared you?

Harriet, are you all right?

We're coming, and we're still armed!

No, no, no, it's all right.

It's OK.

Harriet, what is it? What happened?

Nothing at all.

It's just all those closet--

all those talks made me a little jumpy I guess.

- You're sure now? - I'm positive.

Look, why don't you two go home? I'll be just fine.

Well, if you insist.

Joe, I think you ought to check the closet.

Harriet wants us to go home.

Check the closet.

Why don't you check the den first?

I'm coming through!

Come up with your hands out-- er, come on with your hands up!

There's no one in there.

See, I told you.

I could have sworn I heard something.

Like what?

Like the pitter patter of little feet.

Maybe you've got mice, Harriet.

Now, won't you two go on home?

For the last time, I'll be fine.

No you won't.

Now, Harriet, you're just being too brave.

Yeah, that's right.

Joe's going to check this whole house.

- I am? - Yes, you are.

Yes, I am.

Here he comes again, and he's still armed!

No, no!

Because he's got a poker.

There's no need to look upstairs, Joe.

If you're in there, you better come out.

I'm armed.

Try the closets.

Well, there's nobody in there.

And nobody behind the door.

Why don't we check the other bedroom?

- Clara. - Go ahead.

Well, look, if there was anybody up here,

I'm sure they'd be gone by now.

See, there's nobody here.

Say, you got to be more careful of your windows.

Harriet's right.

There's nobody here.

No, I guess not.

Harriet, you coming?

Yeah, OK.

Well, Thanks a lot.

I certainly appreciate you helping me look around.

Well, we were just talking, and we've got a marvelous idea.

You're going to come over and spend the night with us.

I couldn't do that.

- Of course you could. - Of course.

Oh, no.

Harriet, I can't stand the idea of you're

spending the night here alone.

That's right.

I know I saw a light go out before.

Wait a minute. I've got it.

And this time, no arguments.

We'll spend the night here with you.

Oh, well, that's silly.

It is not silly.

What else is a good neighbor for if you

can't be a good neighbor?

I know, but I'll be perfectly safe.

Now you two go on home.

Sorry, our mind's made up.

Isn't it, Joe? Fine with me.

I feel a lot safer with two women protecting me

than just one.

Not if you're not sleeping in your own bed.

Oh, we can stay in the boys old room.

I know, but you haven't got pajamas or anything.

I can borrow a nightie from you,

and Joe can use one of Ozzie's.

Nighties?

Pajamas.

- Oh, really, Clara. - Not another word.

It's all settled.

Come on, Joe.

Oh, good, twin bed.

- Ozzie. - Harriet.

What's going on here?

Joe and Clara have decided to spend the night.

You're kidding.

Well, you've got to get them out of here.

I can't.

They think they're protecting me.

That's great.

How am I going to get down from here?

It's getting cold.

I don't know.

Maybe I could get a ladder.

Harriet.

They're calling you.

Oh, thanks, I'll be back as soon as I can.

Oh!

Oh.

Harriet, I was--

I was just fixing a little snack.

I thought you were a real burglar.

Well, no, not really.

It just looks that way.

Would you like something?

Oh, no, thank you.

I just came down to, uh--

to see that the lights were turned off.

Ah.

Are you sure you don't want something?

- No, thank you. - Goodnight.

I'll turn the lights out.

Ozzie.

Ozzie.

Oh, what took you so long?

I had to wait for them to go to sleep.

Well, put the ladder up.

Boy, I'm cold.

Come on.

Let's get in the house.

Darby'll be along any minute.

Come on.

Get in bed.

What about the Randolphs?

We'll think of something to tell them in the morning.

Boy, I'm frozen stiff.

Well, get under the covers.

I'll go down and fix you some hot tea.

No, you don't have to do that.

Now don't go to sleep before I get back here.

Are you kidding?

I couldn't go to sleep if my life depended on it.

I'm frozen awake.

Joe.

Joe, for heaven's sake, turn over.

Huh? What?

What is it? Turn over.

You're snoring.

Wait a minute.

I'm not snoring.

Well, don't look at me. I'm not.

Maybe it's Harriet.

Oh, it couldn't be.

Could it?

Well, who else?

Poor Ozzie, no wonder he goes fishing every chance he gets.

Clara, will you go to sleep?

I better go in there and turn her over.

Harriet.

Harriet.

Harriet, you're snoring.

That's better.

Now go back to sleep.

Harriet, wouldn't you feel safer if I was in here with you?

No.

Nighty night.

See you tomorrow.

What?

The burglar's in there!

The burglar?

- In Harriet's bed! - No, no!

Where are you going?

Downstairs to get the poker.

No, it's all right, Joe.

Harriet, don't go in there.

It's all right, Clara.

It's only Ozzie. Ozzie?

Ozzie?

Yeah.

I thought he was up fishing.

Well, he isn't.

Come on in.

Ozzie?

Oh, dear.

He's gone out the window again.

What's going on around here?

Well, it's kind of complicated.

But it all started because I didn't

want to hurt your feelings.

What?

You see, I didn't feel much like playing bridge,

and when Ozzie thought he might be going fishing,

I used that as an excuse.

Say no more.

Why do you suppose I arranged the bridge game?

Because I'd already told Sally I was playing bridge with you two

so I wouldn't have to go up and visit her mother with her.

What is all this going out the window business?

Well, Ozzie was crouched on the ledge outside the boys

bedroom window a little while ago, and--

oh my goodness!

What's the matter?

There's no ledge out this window.

Ozzie?

Ozzie?

It's OK.

Darby caught me.

Darb?

Hmm?

Oh.

Oh, I wish Sally would come home.

There we go.

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