Original subtitles

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

And also starring in tonight's episode, here's June.

June, I'm home.

I beg your pardon, but your wife has just

stepped out for a few moments.

What's this all about?

Oh, darn.

You recognized me.

Oh, I'm very sorry, sir.

Is this better?

Oh, you're positively irresistible.

How about a little kiss?

After I remove the mustache.

Ow!

Hey, that hurt.

Now this may sound crazy, but what's going on around here?

Oh, nothing.

I just thought I'd try on a few disguises.

Is this your subtle way of telling me

that dinner isn't ready yet?

No, of course not.

If dinner wasn't ready, I'd just say dinner isn't ready.

Dinner isn't ready.

It will be in a minute.

In the meantime, would you like a nice double martini?

A double martini?

Yeah.

That's what Myrna Loy used to fix for William Powell.

Oh, so that's what you've been doing all afternoon, drinking

double martinis.

You must know I had a glass of milk, three cookies,

and watched an old movie on TV.

Oh, that sounds exciting.

It was.

Did anything interesting happen at the office today?

Well, let's see.

We settled the McDermott insurance claim,

and Mrs. Van Cleave came in to draw up another will.

Oh, I mean really interesting.

Well, we ran out of paper cups this afternoon.

Well, William Powell always brought home

a nice little murderer.

At least a jewel robbery or something.

Yeah, but he's supposed to be a detective, not a lawyer.

Well, that doesn't matter.

The important thing is that he always

brought home these interesting cases that his wife could

help him solve. Now, wait a second.

I may be slow, but I finally catch on.

This is your semi-annual "why can't I help you out

at the office" pitch.

Well, why can't I?

I'm sure lots of interesting things happen down there,

but you just don't want to tell me about them because you're

afraid I'll solve them for you.

OK, if I ever have occasion to use a female private eye

with a whole bag full of terrific disguises,

I'll call on you.

Well, you're kidding, but I think I could be a lot of help

if you just gave me a chance.

Doris Clark helps her husband, and he's just a lawyer.

Just a lawyer?

Oh, well, you know what I mean.

He's not a detective.

He defended a burglar that turned out not to be a burglar,

and his wife helped him retrace the steps of the crime,

and they found out the man wasn't guilty.

Well, he's a different kind of a lawyer than I am.

I don't handle criminal cases.

But if you did, would you let me help?

Sure.

Look, I'll tell you what.

Can you meet me at the office?

Well, sure.

What time?

Uh, about 12:45?

Well, yeah.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to go out and have lunch with me,

because I got a feeling I ain't going to get no dinner tonight.

You know something?

You may be right.

So there's my sensible, little wife standing there

with a black wig and a mustache.

I don't know what you're complaining about.

I thought a wife was supposed to dress up for her husband

when he comes home from the office.

Well, I don't like girls with black wigs.

Oh, come on, you guys.

There's nothing wrong with a wife helping her husband.

Oh, who wants to be married to Sherlock Holmes?

She's got the idea that everything we do down here

is mysterious and glamorous.

Oh, it's glamorous, all right.

You don't get sick from licking the stamps.

Yeah, mysterious, too.

Mrs. Murphy's will seems to be missing.

I thought it was the overalls.

No, they're in Mrs. Murphy's chowder.

I've got the will right here.

I had to make a few changes.

She wants to leave a little more money to her cat.

Please, I can only stand so much excitement.

Excitement?

What's this I hear about excitement?

- Hi, June. - Hi, June.

- Hi. - See what I mean?

You're a little early.

Don't try and change the subject.

You were talking about something exciting,

and I want to know what it is.

He never tells me anything interesting

happening here at the office.

What, didn't you tell her about the Murphy case?

No, he didn't.

Uh, honey.

Who's Mr. Murphy?

It's Mrs. Murphy.

It's a woman.

Believe me, it's nothing.

Nothing?

What about that cat that's getting all the money from her?

Don't pay attention to him.

He's been licking too many stamps this morning.

He's got mucilage poisoning.

Come on, let's go to lunch.

See you later. Bye.

Oh, uh, wait a second.

How about our instructions here, chief?

Should we put a tail on Mrs. Murphy or not?

Do me a favor, will you?

Just forget about it.

David?

Come on, honey.

Let's go.

Put a tail on Mrs. Murphy.

Well, there's a tail on the cat.

Oh, uh, which reminds me, did you ever find out about that?

Find out about what?

Uh, who put the--

Overalls in Mrs. Murphy's chowder?

No, we never found out.

How's the hamburger?

Real good.

I hope you don't mind eating here

but I had to stop by this way.

This is fine.

I mean, you look so nice and all, I probably

should have taken you of those fancy spots where we

take all the important clients.

Oh that's OK.

Only I kind of wish you'd told me.

I wouldn't have put any bubbles in my bath.

Who's that?

Who?

That woman who just came in.

I don't know.

I thought I recognized her, but I guess not.

Look, honey, I hate to do this to you,

but I got to go in a few minutes.

Oh, that's OK.

How come you're still watching her?

- Who? - That woman.

Oh, no special reason.

She just looks kind of familiar.

Malt Shop.

Just a second.

Is there a Mrs. Murtry here?

Yes?

Telephone for you.

Thank you.

Hello?

Did he say "Murphy"?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

Of course he did.

That's the woman in the case you're handling.

What are you talking about?

Rick mentioned her, the Murphy case.

Oh, he was just kidding.

You mean there is no Murphy case?

Well, yeah, there is, but she's just

a nice old lady who's leaving all her money to a cat.

For some reason, you don't want me to know the truth,

do you? What do you mean?

No wonder you brought me here.

You knew she was going to be here.

Honey, I don't know what you're talking about.

And then she got a phone call right after she came in.

Look, I just brought you here because it's

close to the library, and I want to stop in there.

OK, play it cool, but I can help you if you'd let me.

Oh, I'd be only too happy to let you help me

if there was anything to do.

Well, I could follow her, like Ricky suggested.

He was just kidding.

All right, goodbye, dear.

Could I trouble you for a glass of water, please?

- Sure. - She just hung up.

Good.

Look, I'm sorry I have to rush off,

but I got an appointment in about 15 minutes.

She's probably going to meet somebody.

Aren't you going to stay and find out who it is?

Honey, for the last time--

never mind.

You stay here and see who it is, OK?

I got to go.

You finish your lunch.

This will take care of the check.

I'll see you later.

OK.

Thank you very much.

Jack? Jack!

- Yeah? - Oh, darn.

You wiped her fingerprints off it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

Well, here.

Keep the change.

Gee, thanks.

Hi, Dave.

Hi.

Any messages?

No, nothing important.

How'd your appointment with Judge Willoughby go?

Oh, fine. Thanks.

- Oh, good. - Hi.

- Don't talk to me. - What's the matter?

You know darn well what's the matter.

You and your mysterious Murphy case.

Cut it out.

June knew I was kidding. Oh, yeah?

You should have been with us at lunch.

Dobson, Kelley, and Nelson.

Oh, hi, June.

Yeah, just a second.

Here, it's June for you.

Oh, thanks.

Hi, honey. David?

What's the matter with your voice?

I'm whispering.

But what for?

I don't want her to hear me.

She may come out any minute. Who?

Mrs. Murphy.

I thought I'd better check in and tell you

she left the Malt Shop, got in her car

at the parking lot, stopped off for some gas,

left some pictures at a camera shop.

She's going to pick them up tomorrow morning.

And she just went in this little hat shop.

Wait a minute. You mean you're following her?

Well, of course!

Oh, here she comes.

I'll check with you later.

Oh, great.

What's the matter?

Well, she's following Mrs. Murphy.

Mrs. Murphy?

You mean the little lady with the rich cat?

Well, yeah.

I mean no.

Well, she thinks it's Mrs. Murphy,

but it's really somebody who looks like somebody else.

Would you like to run through that again?

Well I saw this woman at the Malt Shop,

and I thought she looked familiar, so I--

oh, never mind.

It's ridiculous.

You mean June is actually following this strange woman

around town?

Yeah, she thinks she's helping me.

Gee, I'm sorry.

I didn't think she'd take me seriously.

Well, she did.

And you know how it is.

Wife sits home all day, goes through the same old boring

routine, gets to thinking things are a little more

exciting on the outside.

The outside?

Well, you know what I mean.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

Well, I would.

She's not going to be too happy when

she finds out this whole thing was just a gag.

Yeah, the worst part of it is, she thinks she's helping me.

Well, it could be worse.

- How? - It could be Chris.

Then I'd be the one who's in trouble.

June?

June, honey.

Here I am.

I got a present for you.

Oh, that's beautiful.

But I can't take them.

Oh, you have to, because I've got something

I have to tell you.

I can't take them because I don't deserve them.

What are you talking about?

Oh, I messed everything up.

I lost her.

You lost who?

That woman, Mrs. Murphy.

I lost her in the crowd at the Emporium.

Oh.

Uh, you did?

I feel so embarrassed, I don't know what to say.

Well, look, don't worry about it.

I feel so silly, after my big talk about wanting

to be such a big help to you.

Believe me, it's OK.

In fact, the more I think about it,

this might be the best thing that could have happened.

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

No, really, believe me.

I'm the one who feels better.

I mean that you're off the case.

I mean, I wouldn't want you to be in any danger or anything.

You mean it really was dangerous?

Well, let's say I was a little worried, but I feel fine now.

Well, what was it all about?

Oh, well, why don't we just forget about it?

I guess you're right.

After all, a woman's place is in the home, cleaning the house,

doing the laundry, and cooking the dinner.

Oh, my gosh.

The dinner!

David?

David? What is it?

I just thought of something.

I know how to find her.

- What? - Mrs. Murphy.

She's going to pick up some film this morning at the camera

shop.

What's that?

I said I'm going to follow Mrs. Murphy.

OK.

Hey, wait a minute!

June!

June!

June!

June!

Morning, Mr. Nelson.

Well, good morning.

How's the husband of 007 and 1/2?

That's not too funny.

He's not in a very good mood today, is he?

You're right.

I take it June wasn't too happy

when you told her the truth.

Or you went home and didn't tell her the truth.

You didn't even go home.

Oh, of course, I went home.

I just decided not to tell her.

I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

As it turned out, I should have told her.

What do you mean?

Well, she came home last night,

and she said she'd lost the woman's trail.

And she got up this morning and dashed out of the house

to try to find her again.

Why didn't you run out and stop her?

In my fluffy green bathrobe?

I suggest we don't ask for any raises today.

It was June's bathrobe.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Of course, there is a chance she might not pick up the trail.

008 and 1/4.

7 and 1/2.

Ooh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

June--

Mom, hi.

I didn't recognize you--

Shh.

You look so different.

What did you do with your hair?

Oh, it's just a wig.

I'm wearing it for a disguise.

Oh, thank goodness.

I thought I was going to say something nice about it.

I'm following somebody for David.

You're what?

Now I know she's involved in a case

that David's office is handling.

Well, I didn't know they handled any criminal cases.

I didn't either.

He never tells me anything.

Well, what are you supposed to do?

Well, I'm just trying to find out everything I can about her.

She wears a size 10 dress.

She's looking this way.

Wait a minute.

What am I looking for?

She's going in the dressing room.

So you don't suppose there's another exit back

there, do you?

Gee, I didn't think about that.

Well, I better not go back there.

If she sees me too often, she'll get suspicious.

Well, she's never seen me.

What if I go back there?

That's a good idea.

Wait a minute.

You got to take something to try on.

I better take something else.

I might catch cold in this.

Dobson, Kelley, and Nelson.

June?

Oh, yes, sir, I was just mailing them out.

Bye-bye.

That was Mr. Andrews.

He was wondering about his contracts.

Oh.

You know, it would help if I could figure out

where I'd seen that woman, the woman June's following.

Well, maybe you've seen a picture of her

in the post office?

Police line-up?

Dobson, Kelley, and Nelson.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Nelson.

June?

No, it's your mom.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Hi, dear.

Oh, fine.

I'm with June.

With June?

Yeah, she wanted me to let you know that we were at the health

club. A health club?

That's great.

And here I am worried about June,

and she's with Mom goofing off at a health club.

What are you doing down there?

Well, June's inside, and I'm guarding the door.

Guarding the door?

What for?

Mrs. Murphy?

Here she comes.

I'll call you back.

What happened to you?

Oh, don't ever take a steam bath in a cheap black wig.

Come on.

Boy, this is great.

Now she's got Mom following the woman.

How'd she manage that?

Don't ask me.

- Who is this woman anyway? - I don't know.

But whoever she is, I hope they lose her

before they get in trouble with the police.

Hey, the police!

That's it.

Jack didn't say Murphy. He said Murtry.

That's where I saw that woman, at the banquet honor,

and her husband, Charlie Murtry.

- The chief of police? - Yeah.

You mean your wife and our mother

have been trailing the wife of the chief of police?

Evidently.

Let's start phoning the health clubs.

There's a woman's gym in the next block.

Oh, it's probably too late.

Well, if that's the one, maybe I can catch her.

Yeah, or maybe find out where they went.

Look up some gyms. Well, I already have.

Here's one.

Gorman's Gym, two regulation rings, sparring partners

provided.

I doubt if that's the one.

Let's hope not.

- Can I take your order? - Oh, thank you.

I think I'll wait. I'm expecting my husband.

OK.

What's she doing?

She's just talking to Jack.

Can you hear what she was saying?

No, I couldn't.

Oh, pardon me, please.

Oh, sorry.

Do you think we ought to go inside?

I don't know. She sees us too often.

She might recognize us.

I'm sorry I'm late, dear.

That's all right.

Look, Mom, he's sitting down with her.

You know, the one day I have a date to take you to lunch,

and somebody tries to rob a bank.

Don't worry.

I haven't been here very long.

He's probably the one she got the phone call from yesterday.

- You mean the contact? - Yeah.

Do you think we ought to go inside and find out

what they're saying?

This may be what Dave wants to know.

- You may be right. - Come on.

We'll go in quietly.

They won't notice us.

Hi, June. Hi, Ms. Nelson.

Shh.

- What's the matter? - Oh, nothing.

We just don't want to be noticed.

Oh, I get it.

Sneaking in here to break your diets, huh?

Let's go over to the magazine rack.

Would you like to order?

Yes, please.

A couple of hamburgers and two chocolate malts.

OK.

What did he say?

He said a couple of hamburgers and two chocolate malts.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Unless that's encoded, it isn't going to give us

very much information.

Here.

Here, if we move in closer, we can hear what they're saying.

How much did it come to?

Well, I'd say it was close to $50,000.

Did you hear that?

Yes, he said something about $50,000.

You must have had quite a day.

Not any different than any other day.

Forgers, embezzlers, pickpockets, petty thieves.

It's all right when I was a little younger.

Well, I must admit, I'm getting just a little tired of it.

Oh, you love it.

You know you do, Charles.

It's better than being back at the penitentiary.

Well, I've got to admit those five years were about

the dullest I've ever spent. Did you hear that?

Five years in the penitentiary. Shh.

- Oh-- - I'm sorry, Jack.

Excuse me.

Come on, let's go.

I hope she isn't suspicious.

They're both looking this way.

Now what do we do?

We can't follow them if they recognized us.

I think it's time we called in another agent, 0013.

Where is everybody?

I don't know.

Has Rick called in yet?

Not yet.

Why hasn't he?

Well, I don't know.

Doggone it.

There is some good news, though.

What's that?

We haven't heard from the police either.

Them anyway.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Hi, dear.

Boy, am I glad to see you two.

Are we glad to see you.

Boy, have we got news for you.

We followed that woman into the Malt Shop,

and she met a man in there who spent

five years in the penitentiary.

Yes, I know.

And he associates with all kinds of criminals.

I know that, too.

He used to be a guard at the state prison.

He's now the chief of police.

The what?

The chief of police?

I'm afraid so, and the woman you've been trailing

is his wife.

Oh, no.

His wife?

Well, what did you ask me to do a thing like that for?

I didn't.

Well, you did so.

No, I didn't.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway, honey.

It's all over now.

Well, not quite.

What do you mean?

Well, we assigned another agent to the case, 0013.

You don't mean--

boy.

That'll be fine, Sergeant.

Yeah, they're right outside.

OK.

Ready, dear?

Mm-hmm.

All right, come on.

From now on, I solemnly swear to believe you

when you say that things are dull at the office.

OK, now once more.

That's enough.

Don't I get any sympathy?

After all, I followed a couple of strange women

all over town before I caught up with them and found out they

weren't two at all.

Well, it's your father I feel sorry for.

I've never seen him so embarrassed.

Yeah, poor Pop.

Believe me, Mr. Nelson, you don't have to wear that stuff.

I swear there was nobody here who knew you when

the police hauled you away.

Besides, a thing like that can happen to anybody.

Well, I suppose.

I'll just have one more for the road.

Another double?

OK.

What are you going to do?

Your love and kisses, aha-ha.

Your love and kisses, aha-ha, fulfill all of my wishes.

That's all I gotta have to make my dreams come true.

You took me by the hand and made me feel just like a man.

And little chills went up and down my spine.

You made me love you through and through,

and when you kiss me like you do,

it leaves me feeling awful fine.

I've got to have your love and kisses, aha-ha.

Your love and kisses, aha-ha, fulfill all of my wishes.

That's all I got to have to make my dreams come true.

Your love and kisses, aha-ha, your love and kisses, aha-ha,

fulfill all of my wishes.

That's all I gotta have to make my dreams come true.

I never had a lot, but if you take the things I got,

I wouldn't care as long as I have you.

And you know I'll always try to be anything you ask of me,

and this is all I want from you.

I got to have your love and kisses, aha-ha.

Your love and kisses, aha-ha, fulfill all of my wishes.

That's all I gotta have to make my dreams come true.

A forest fire is a terrible thing.

Here's what you can do to help.

One, crush out cigarettes, cigar and pipe ashes.

Two, break matches in two after using.

Three, drown all campfires.

Then stir and drown again.

Remember, only you can prevent forest fires.