Original subtitles

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

Here they are, America's favorite family, the Nelsons.

What are you looking for?

Uh, do we have any scissors around here?

Yeah, right over here.

- Thanks. - What's this?

You're doing your Christmas wrapping a little

early this year?

No, it's just a little gag for Joe.

He's going on a business trip, so I'm

going to give him this fishing fly, this note here,

"be sure and catch some big ones."

Oh.

That poor guy, isn't that rubbing it in a little?

Well, no. He'll get a big kick out of it.

Besides, it's about time I returned this.

I borrowed it from him about a year ago.

Oh, hi, Ozzie!

Come on in.

Thanks.

Joe didn't leave yet, did he?

No, he just went down to the drugstore.

He'll be back in a few minutes. Oh, good.

I-- I got him a little gift, just kind of a gag.

Well, he needs a good laugh.

It looks like he's going to be gone two or three days.

Yeah, that's a shame.

I know how he hates these business trips.

What did you get him?

Uh, well, why don't you read the card first?

"Be sure and catch some big ones."

I hope it's not perfume.

That would've been even funnier.

Not to me it wouldn't.

What'd did you get him?

Oh, it's just a fishing fly.

A fishing fly?

Well, he told me he was going on a business trip.

Yeah, that's right.

He is.

Well, why would he take a fishing fly on a business trip?

Well, he's not taking--

I'm giving it to him as a gag.

You see, he's going on a business trip, which he hates.

So I'm giving him this fishing fly to sort of tease him.

Because he'd much rather be going fishing.

But instead, he's going on a business trip, which he hates.

Why-- why don't I put it in his bag,

and that'd be even funnier.

And he'll open up the bag expecting

to find his business things in there,

and instead he'll find this fishing fly.

I think that'd be even funnier.

I wonder if he really is going on a business trip.

Well, if he wasn't, this wouldn't be funny.

I'm sure he's going on the business trip.

He told me so himself.

Wait a minute!

What's that? Well, it's-- it's nothing!

Nothing?

That's his fishing junk.

And he told me he was going on a business trip.

Well, I'm sure there-- there must be some logical

explanation for this.

And you're just as bad as he is, smuggling over more fishing

stuff disguised as perfume.

Oh, hi, Oz.

Oh.

Say, that's a pleasant surprise.

Oh, I-- I just stopped by to wish you luck on your trip,

on your business trip.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, don't rush off.

My plane doesn't leave for half an hour.

Come on in. Sit down.

No!

Well, I hope you've packed everything you need--

business shoes, business ties.

Yes, yes.

Business socks, business shirts.

Yes.

Fishing license.

Fishing license?

That's what I said, you big phony!

Business trip my eye, you're going fishing.

Ozzie said so. Me?

No, I didn't say that.

Now, wait a minute.

OK, so there's an outside chance I

might get in a little fishing.

But does that give you the right to go snooping through my bag?

Don't you trust me?

I do not, and for a very good reason.

I wouldn't have known anything about this

if Ozzie hadn't tried--

That sounds pretty funny.

Believe me, it wasn't funny to poor Joe.

Well, he deserves it.

He had no right telling Clara he was going on a business trip.

But it is a business trip.

He's going to meet his boss and everything.

It's just if he finishes up a little early

and has some time on his hands, he's

going to try to get in some fishing.

You mean, he's still going to go?

Well, either that or lose his job.

Sounds like he's more in danger of losing his wife.

Anybody home?

Oh, hi, Clara.

Hi, Clara.

I don't know whether to say hello to you or not.

I'm not sure which side you're on.

Well, I think I'll take the cowardly way out and be

neutral.

Where's Joe?

I just drove him to the airport.

And believe me, it was a very quiet drive.

Well, listen.

As long as you're free this afternoon,

why don't we go shopping?

Oh, I'd love to, but I just got a call

from a friend I haven't heard from in 20 years.

Oh? Who's that?

Barbara Cartwright. Did I ever tell you about her?

No, I don't believe you did.

Oh, we're very good friends.

We used to go to school together.

Does she live in town here?

No, she's here for a visit.

She's coming down to the house later on this afternoon.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Well, it would be, except our place is such a mess

I'm embarrassed to have anybody see it.

Your place? How come?

Well, Joe was supposed to cut the lawn over the weekend.

Then he went off on this so-called business trip

and said he'd take care of it later.

Well, can't you get somebody else to cut it for you?

Well, it's not just the lawn.

The trash barrels are full, and there

are leaves all over the place.

Well, maybe some of the kids in the neighborhood.

I've already tried that.

They're either out playing football,

or they're at the movies, or something.

Well, there must be somebody you can get to do it for you.

Ozzie?

I knew I could count on you.

Well, here we are.

Oh, my what a charming house.

Thank you.

That husband of yours certainly does a beautiful job

on the yard, Clara.

Huh?

Oh, yes, he does, doesn't he?

My husband loves to work in the garden too.

You should see his roses.

They are just beautiful, especially

at this time of the year. Here.

Let me take your hat.

Oh, thank you.

Clara, I think I better get on home.

Besides, you two probably want to talk over old times.

Oh, no. Come on, Harriet.

Stay for a while.

Oh, yes, please do.

We'll have some coffee and some non-fattening chocolate

cake.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Yes, me too.

You know, this is a lovely table.

Did your husband make it? Joe?

I should say not.

Oh.

Well, I was just wondering.

Clarence loves to make furniture.

It's one of his hobbies.

Oh, that's nice.

Does Joe have any hobbies?

Oh, yes.

He likes fishing, and he has a workshop out back.

He's made several-- and a couple of--

May I have some more coffee, Clara?

Yes, certainly.

You know, I've never met Joe.

Oh, you'd like him.

He's a wonderful guy.

He's lots of fun.

More coffee, Barbara?

No, thanks, even though I hate to keep bragging

about my husband, but he really is something pretty special.

Yes, he sounds like it.

I keep telling Clarence he ought

to do a few things without me once in a while.

But he won't hear of it.

He won't even go on a business trip without me.

But I imagine Joe's the same way.

Oh. Oh, yes.

He's a wonderful guy.

There he is.

Say, he's nice looking, isn't he?

Who?

Well, your husband, Joe.

You've never met him, have you?

I just saw him out in the yard carrying some trash cans.

Oh.

Well, that's probably--

Yes, that's Joe.

It is?

That's my Joe!

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's Joe all right.

Oh, I'd love to meet him.

Oh, well, he has his old clothes on.

I'm afraid he's not very presentable.

What difference does that make?

Well, OK. I'll get him.

No, maybe you better let me get him.

Why don't you pour some more coffee?

All right.

I'll pour some more coffee.

You must be kidding.

I can't go in there and make believe I'm Joe.

Well, why not?

She's never seen him before.

Besides, it'll only be for a few minutes.

She's just about ready to leave.

Well, it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.

Why don't you tell her the truth?

He's out someplace goofing off while I'm mowing his lawn,

raking up his leaves, carrying out his trash cans.

Well, that's exactly why we can't tell her.

She's been in there bragging about her husband,

and Clara just doesn't want to admit that Joe's out of town.

Well, what's that got to do with me?

I told you, she looked out of the window

and thought you were Joe.

In fact, she mentioned how good looking you were.

Oh, come on.

You don't think I'm going to fall for that, do you?

Honest, that's what she said.

You can ask Clara.

Come on, will you, please?

Well, OK.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Come on, hurry up.

Now, don't forget.

You're Joe, and you're married to Clara.

Ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.

Shh.

Shh.

Oh, hello, dear.

Barbara, this is my husband Joe.

This is Barbara Cartwright.

How do you do?

Well, hello.

I hope you'll forgive my appearance.

I was just cleaning up the yard.

Yes, yes, I know.

Your wife's been bragging to me about you.

Oh, really?

Well, thank you, dear.

I almost feel as if I know you.

Ha-- Clara has told me so much about you.

Oh, really?

What did she say about me?

Well, uh, she didn't tell me how attractive you are.

Thank you.

I'll take these out to the kitchen for you.

Oh, thank you.

He's so thoughtful.

Yes, I can see.

I wish my husband would be that helpful around the house.

Oh, Harriet, you have a wonderful husband.

Doesn't she?

Oh, yes.

Pardon me.

Yes.

Oh, Clara, you're a lucky girl.

He seems awfully nice.

Thank you.

Would you excuse me for just a minute?

Yes, certainly.

Ozzie, come back here.

What's the matter?

Where are you going?

I'm getting out of here. I made my appearance.

Well, she'll be leaving in a few minutes.

At least you can say goodbye.

Come on.

I think I ought to quit while I'm ahead.

Look.

Just come in, turn on a little more charm,

and that's all there is to it.

OK.

I can be pretty charming, you know.

It's been wonderful visiting with you, Clara.

I've enjoyed it so much.

I'm so glad you could drop by.

Oh, Barbara's leaving.

- Oh, so soon? - Well, yes.

There are a few things I should do,

and my plane leaves rather early in the morning.

Are you sure you can't stay for dinner?

Oh, no.

Thank you so much, Clara, but I'm afraid not.

It's a shame.

We'd love to have had you stay.

In fact, I've been looking forward

to enjoying your charming company at the dinner table.

Well, thank you, Joe.

Clara's a wonderful cook.

Oh, well, I'm not that good.

Oh, what about your beef stroganoff?

She makes the most delicious beef stroganoff in the world.

No, that's my favorite.

Oh, but if you have to go, I guess you have to go.

That's right.

Awfully nice to have met you.

Well, you know, on second thought,

I think maybe I will stay.

That is if you really want me to.

Oh, certainly.

That sounds great.

Then I'll stay.

That beef stroganoff sounds too good to turn down.

How am I playing it?

Oh!

Harriet, I've done so well this far.

Don't you think it might be a good idea

if I kind of eased out of here, went on home,

and didn't come back for dinner?

Well, how would Clara explain that?

Well, I don't know, but she'll figure out something.

I can't keep this up much longer.

Well, you should have thought of that before you practically

insisted she stay for dinner.

Joe?

Joe, honey?

Answer.

That's you.

Joe baby?

I'm out here, Clara.

Honey.

Clara honey baby.

You had me scared to death.

I thought you were sneaking out on me.

Well, don't you think it might be

a good idea if I went bowling?

Well, you could have dinner first.

- Where's Barbara? - She's in the living room.

What are we going to do?

I don't know what you guys are going to do,

but I'm going to go home.

After all, I wasn't invited for dinner.

Well, you are now.

In fact, you're going to cook it.

- Who, me? - Sure.

I can't make beef stroganoff.

Why couldn't you leave well enough alone?

You had to invite her for dinner.

I didn't invite her. Clara did.

You insisted upon it.

She was practically out of the door.

Well, now, just a second.

How come you're picking on me?

I'm married to Clara.

Besides, you told me to be charming.

Is it my fault if I spilled over a little?

Hi.

I thought I heard you guys talking out here.

Oh, yes.

Well, we were just trying to decide about dinner.

Clara's invited me to stay too.

Oh, how nice.

This is my lucky day.

Now I'll get a chance to meet your husband too, won't I?

Well, actually, he's going to be pretty busy tonight.

Yes, he's helping out a friend who's in trouble.

Oh, how thoughtful.

It's nothing serious, I hope.

Uh, well, we all have our fingers crossed.

Well, I think I'll go on home for a little while.

I'll see you a little bit later. Yeah, me too.

Joe!

Where?

Oh, I-- I think I'll--

I'll go over and talk to Ozzie for a little while.

OK, sweetie pie.

I'll see you later, dear.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Dave.

Oh, well, we'll be over at the Randolphs, but you have a key,

don't you?

OK.

Say hello to June for me.

Bye-bye.

- Who's that? - That was Dave.

He and Rick are going to come over and pick up

some card tables.

Wait a minute.

What are you doing?

Oh, what do you mean?

Well, that coat and tie.

- What's the matter with them? - Well, nothing.

They look fine, but you came over here as Joe Randolph.

You can't go back there in Ozzie Nelson's clothes.

Boy, I hope that Joe appreciates

what I'm doing for him. Now, careful, dear.

You're getting out of character.

Don't forget, you're Joe.

Yeah, I'm nuts too.

Oh, here's Clarence in his skiing outfit.

Oh, he's a wonderful skier.

Does Joe ski?

I don't think he's ever tried.

Who's that?

Oh.

Hi, dear.

I just thought I'd sneak--

I just thought I'd go upstairs and change for dinner.

OK.

What's the matter?

Oh, well, I just hope he finds something that'll fit him.

He's lost a little weight recently.

Well, that sure was a good dinner, Clara.

Joe is right.

You're a wonderful cook.

Oh, thank you.

Why don't we have our dessert in the living room?

Oh, that's a good idea.

Oh, don't bother with those.

I'll take care of them later.

Will you help me with the coffee, Ozzie?

Coffee Ozzie?

What's that?

Oh a Coffee Ozzie, that's a special kind of coffee we've

named after Harriet's husband.

It's something he made up.

Yeah, we call it Coffee Ozzie.

It's very good too.

Oh, really?

What's in it?

Oh, well, what's in it, Harriet?

Oh, well, I don't know.

Ozzie usually makes it.

What's in it, dear?

I mean, Joe?

Well, it's a kind of a secret.

I mean, if I were Joe--

if I were Ozzie, I mean, if I were--

why don't we just have some regular coffee?

Well, if it's not too much trouble,

I think I'd rather have tea.

- Yes, me too. - All right.

Would you like some tea, Ozzie?

Ozzie makes tea too?

A tea for two, a two for tea!

Oh, Joe, you can be so silly at times.

Yeah, aren't you glad?

Why don't we go in the living room?

OK.

Just make yourselves comfortable.

We'll be right with you.

Well, they make quite a couple, don't they?

Yes, they do.

You can tell they were meant for each other.

She just can't keep her eyes off him.

Yeah, I noticed that.

Clara, will you stop calling me Ozzie?

I can't help it.

I keep forgetting.

You'd forget too if you had to call me Joe.

You keep staring at me.

It's that coat.

I can't get over it.

It fits you better than it does Joe.

Well, naturally.

It's my coat.

Well, what was it doing up in our bedroom?

Oh, I fished it up.

I brought it up with a fishing line.

Fishing line?

If you'll pardon the expression.

Where are the cups?

They're here where they always are.

Well, how would I know that?

I'm not Joe.

Yes, you are!

OK, I'm Joe.

Oh, chocolate mints!

I love these.

Thank you, Barbara.

Oh, that's OK.

I almost forgot to give them to you.

Harriet?

Oh, thank you.

Well, now where's Joe?

I have a little something for him too.

Oh, he's in the kitchen.

Joe?

I'll get him.

That's right, and sign it "the boss."

That'll go out right away, won't it?

About when will it be delivered?

Oh, good.

What are you doing?

I just sent myself a telegram.

That is, I sent it to Joe. A telegram?

What for?

Well, so I can get out of here before we all crack up.

It says I have to leave town on business right away,

and it's signed "the boss."

Well, you better come back into the living room.

Barbara's got a present for you.

I hope it's a bottle of tranquilizers.

Now, I hope you like it.

Oh, a Benson's blend?

It's one of Clarence's favorites.

He loves a pipe after dinner, and I thought maybe

you would too.

I'm so glad to see that I was right.

Oh, Joe loves a good pipe!

Oh, let me get one for you.

Oh, here we are.

How about this one?

Oh, that's one of his favorites.

Well, yes, but I'm not sure I want to smoke right now.

I don't usually smoke when we have company.

Clara doesn't like me too.

Oh, I love the smell of a good pipe!

Oh, but maybe Harriet doesn't.

Her husband doesn't smoke.

Do you mind, Harriet?

Oh, no.

Not really.

Well, this is mild.

It's kind of a rum and marmalade blend.

Here you are.

That's a telegram for me.

Hi, pop.

Oh!

Oh, yes.

Gee, I'm sorry to bother you, but I was wondering

if I could borrow your car.

- Oh, sure. - Something's wrong with mine.

I left it over at your house.

Did they say pop?

Are those your boys, Clara?

Oh, well--

Hi, mom.

Hello, boys.

Bye, fellas.

Oh, tell them to come in.

I'd love to meet them.

Well, they might be in a hurry.

Oh, yes.

We're not interrupting anything, are we, pop?

Well--

Have them come in for a minute, dear.

Uh, well, OK.

You might as well go in.

What kind of a party is this anyway, pop?

These are the boys, Rick and David.

This is Mrs. Cartwright.

Well, how do you do?

How do you do?

And of course you know Mrs. Nelson, our neighbor,

and your father, Joe.

Clara, why didn't you tell me you had two lovely boys?

Well, you know how it is.

One minute they're little fellas,

and before you get a chance to even mention them,

they're all grown up.

Well, it's nice to have met you.

Oh, are you boys going downtown?

Yes, we are.

Would you mind dropping me off at my hotel?

We'll be glad to.

Oh, thank you.

Would you get Mrs. Cartwrap's--

Mrs. Cart-- Mrs.-- would you get her coat, please?

Sure.

You have to leave so soon?

Oh, well, I'm afraid so.

I didn't realize how late it was,

and I've got to get packed and everything.

But I do want to thank you.

I had a wonderful time.

Well, thank you.

We've had quite a time ourselves.

It looks like we've got it made.

Now, I want you to promise to come and visit me

as soon as you get a chance. Oh, thank you.

You too, Joe!

Oh, thank you.

Surprise.

Hi, sweetheart!

Ozzie!

What a wonderful surprise.

Oh, this is our neighbor, Ozzie Nelson.

This is Mrs. Cartwright.

Well, how do you do?

She has to catch a flight.

OK, well, thanks a lot, Dave.

Bye.

That was Dave, as you probably guessed.

He said they got Barbara back to her hotel OK.

Oh, that's good.

It's kind of nice to have my husband back again.

It's kind of nice to be back.

Oh, and I want you to promise me one thing-- tomorrow,

you and Clara sit down and write a long letter

to Barbara explaining the whole situation.

I don't want to have it on my conscience.

OK, tomorrow, we'll write a letter

so it won't be on your conscience.

Oh, I'll sign it too.

Hi!

Well, hi, Clara.

Hi, Clara.

Can I spend the night here?

I'm lonesome.

Well, where's Joe?

Don't even mention his name to me, that big fake,

that phony baloney. Well, what do you mean?

He came all the way back with the flowers and all.

That's right.

And then he turned right around and went fishing again.

- He did? - Yes.

He got this phony looking Telegram signed "the boss,"

and he's on his way to the airport.

Oh my gosh, the telegram, I forgot all about it.

Well, I've got to stop him.

If I can't stop him, I'll join him.

Try to remember the kind of September

when life was slow and, oh, so mellow.

Try to remember the kind of September when grass was green

and grain was yellow.

Try to remember when life was so tender

that love was an ember about to billow.

Try to remember, and if you remember, then follow.

Follow, follow.

Try to remember when life

was so tender that no one wept except the willow.

Try to remember when life was so tender

that dreams were kept beside your pillow.

Deep in December, it's nice to remember the fire of September

that made us mellow.

Deep in December, it's nice to remember and follow.

Follow.

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

was brought to you by Colgate with Gardol.

The anti-cavity toothpaste, Colgate--

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