Original subtitles

Four years of film school for this shit.

Yep, $200 ,000 in debt, and now you get to film another shitty pilot

presentation for another fucking house flipping show.

God, what a fucking loser.

Kill me.

You're too late. I already sold it.

You scared me.

There's no reason to be scared.

There's always another home right around the corner, just waiting to be flipped.

I'm Tripp Engold, and you must be Wes.

Yes.

Look at you.

Yeah.

You got a really good energy about you. You seem like a real professional.

Oh, right. Yes, I, uh...

I brought my transcript for your request, and then also my degree in

cinematography. There's no need. I already called the university and vetted

I'm sorry to be such a stickler on the hiring process, but professionalism is

very important to me, Wes.

How do you feel about it?

About what?

Professionalism.

I'm...

For it. I think it's the single most important quality a human being can

possess. I think the lack of it is the reason our society has gone off the

rails. Don't you agree?

Yeah.

Totally. Of course. Permission to hug?

Okay. Coming in.

Okay. I hope you're ready to get going because we are going to make magic.

The first scene for the pilot of the greatest house flipping show ever made.

Flipped and sold with trip and gold.

Okay. Are you rolling?

I'm rolling. Okay, that's a problem, because I know you're not rolling. I

this camera, and when it's rolling, the red light is beeping. And it's not

beeping right now, Wes.

Uh, no, no. You're not rolling, Wes!

Look! Look!

Look! I'm rolling. Look, the red light is on. Just take a look. You're lying.

You're lying to me. I swear. Take a look at it. Man.

Yeah, I know. You got me.

Professionalism, Wes.

The single most important quality followed closely by a good sense of

Okay.

You're all right, Wes.

I think this is going to be a good day.

You know, you did a really great job filming that intro back there, Wes.

Oh, uh, thanks, man. Oh, 100%. Total pro.

Are you going to tell me how I did?

Um, I thought you were great. Really?

Yeah. That means so much coming from you. I really want to get this right.

So many of these house flipping shows, they're just...

janky you know and and not just the filmmaking the flips themselves they're

downright unethical you know they ignore the fundamental issues of the homes the

plumbing the the electrical and they think what could you slap some 22 cent

subway tile on it that it's a good flip i don't think so i don't think so yeah

uh yeah totally you get it man you're so great

So I think now would be a good time to get some B -roll. You know, I see this

the second part of the pilot where some kind of funky music's playing, and I'm

explaining to audiences that we're headed off to a remote section of the

We're going to see this dilapidated, kind of creepy home, which, spoiler

of course is going to be somebody's dream home.

But right now, it's like, almost looks like a place you'd get murdered in.

So yeah, look around. Get some stuff.

Okay.

That's just some tools of the trade. I like to carry a shovel to dig into the

foundation, make sure it's solid.

Right.

And the plastic tarp?

You ask a lot of questions.

Well, like you said, I'm a professional.

Plastic tarp is for some painting we're going to do.

Also, Occasionally find some dead vermin underneath the house, and plastic's

always good for carrying out bodies.

That makes sense. Yeah, totally.

Um, yeah.

Um, could you remind me, again, where we're going? Yeah, about 20 minutes up

ahead here. We're getting there.

Right.

Um...

What's the address?

Why do you need the address?

I'm just, uh, curious.

You're a squirmy little bugger. Look at you. You're shaking over there.

Yeah, I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Oh, well, there's not many rest stops out here. Not much of anything, but, you

know, we can just wait until we get to the house.

I'm just not, I'm not sure if I could hold it. Well, it's really close. You're

fine.

It's number one, so maybe you could...

pull over real quick. No, there's no shoulder on the road. I wouldn't want

anything bad to happen to you. I really, really gotta go. This came on kind of

suddenly. Yeah, man, I don't know. I just, uh... I can't, um... I don't know.

Can you pull over, please? No, I can't do it because it's dangerous.

How do you... No, please stop. I just really gotta go. How do you open this

thing? Fine.

You gotta go? You gotta go.

Whoa!

Not very professional, Wes.

All right.

It's a real bummer, Wes.

Not only is this unprofessional, it's downright anticlimactic.

I spent a lot of time in that house.

It's a house of horrors, the likes of which we haven't seen since the climax

Home Alone 2.

Oh, no.

Please don't tell me you're going to make it this easy.

It's okay.

It's okay.

This is just a little confusing. I mean, I'm confused, you know?

It's all happening a lot faster than it normally does.

I mean, part of me wants to stretch it out, you know? Like, let you run

around a little bit. I could chase you some more.

But also, another part of me is like, this feels kind of sad.

I just...

Yeah.

It's sad.

I should just do this all over.

Save my calendar tomorrow.

Find someone else.

A little more professional.

Didn't even come close to using you.

Sorry, P .F., not your night.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm getting rusty.

It's gone to me so quickly.

Too many clues in the back seat, maybe?

I wonder if I put the tarp, yeah, just the tarp in the back, and then save the

shovel, the big reveal of the house.

Thank you.

Yes!

Thank God!

Step away from the car!

Thank God! Thank God you're here! Hands on your head! You got him, Mark?

Yeah, but look! Look what happened! Look!

Fuck! Hands on your head. Yes.

We got a male.

20.

Unconscious. He's not unconscious.

He's dead.

It's my sweet Western. That man killed him.

Oh, God!

He's in the woods and he's getting away. Get down on the ground. Right now. You

don't understand. On the ground. On the ground now.

Okay. All right. Okay. Okay.

You guys are great.

You're great and you're very in command and you're doing a great job, but you're

missing one very...

Important thing. There is a man, a killer, who killed my friend, and he is

the woods.

Who are you talking about, sir? I don't know.

Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm so stupid. I don't get his name.

Tell us what happened step by step, sir.

Okay.

But it's really scary.

There was a man.

He was a bad man, but he didn't seem like it. He was a little weird and

but he seemed harmless. And he hired me and Wes, my filmmaking partner, to film

this pilot for this really interesting new house -flipping type

show, you know?

And he had a cool take. It was like integrity and professionalism.

So please get to the point? Yes.

I'm sorry.

So are you okay?

I feel like I'm in a horror movie.

Is this real? Are you even real?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

He put us in the car and he drove us out into these woods.

And there was like all these weird things started happening. I looked in

back and there was a shovel and there was a plastic tarp.

And then...

i looked at west and i was like this is weird right and then west is really

smart and he was like sir i have to go to the bathroom and these guys like no

you can't go to the bathroom we're almost to the house it was like i really

to pee and he's like no and so west just bolted out of the car and he ran in

that direction and i ran in that direction and the guy he just chased

instead and he killed him and he and i feel guilty that i'm alive and he's not

But wait, wait.

I'm not finished. Hold on.

That's when I got really brave.

And I jumped on his back and I whacked him with a shovel like two times really

hard. And he started wobbling. He was like, get up. Stay down.

Stay down. Right.

But he was wobbling away.

And so I said, I just got to grab Wes and put him in the car and take him to

police. And that's when you showed up. Why didn't you just call us?

Because there's no cell phone.

Get out of your pocket. Stop yelling at me like I'm the bad guy.

I'm the good one here.

The bad guy is out in the woods and you are wasting your time here with me. I

promise you I'll stay here.

I'll be a little well -behaved nugget. So have you used any substances? No, I

haven't used any substances. Please, one of you, I'm begging you, you or you, go

in the woods.

He could be out there.

Go check it out.

Thank you.

So, on the ground, and just wait here.

Yes, okay, I will.

He's wearing a black button -up shirt and silk black pants.

I'll take care of it, sir.

Make sure you get the right one. This is Officer Marr.

I'm out on Old Hutch Road. I need backup.

We have an incident out here.

About 50 yards off the turnout.

Thank you so much.

Listen, Officer...

I have a question. It's totally okay if this is a no, but my knees are really

just barking at me. Is it okay if I just sit like crisscross applesauce? Sir,

that is... Thank you. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. It's fine, sir. Good at

your job and kind, too.

I hope your friend's doing okay out there.

This guy is really dangerous. I mean, I think he could be an actual serial

killer.

The poise, the charisma.

He's just a real professional. Please be quiet. Sorry.

Copy.

Is that backup calling in?

Sorry.

None of my business.

Good thing for backup, though, right?

Did you always know you wanted to be a cop?

That's personal. I'm sorry.

I'm just curious about the whole process, you know? It's such an

You've got to be really good at it. So do they vet you?

Is it like a really long school?

Can anybody become a cop?

You've got so many people's lives in your hands. It's like airline pilots,

know? You're just like, okay, he's flying us around. I hope he's competent.

I know I'm talking a lot. Just two more quick things. First, I'm so sorry I was

such a crazy person earlier. I'm together now. And secondly, thank you.

Thank you for showing up and being so good at your job.

There's no one out there.

Yeah? Yeah.

But I did find some blood and some evidence of a scuffle, for sure. So, not

lying about that.

Not lying? Wait, you think I thought I was lying?

We don't know what happened here, sir. Sir, all we know is that we found you

dragging a dead body in a sheet of plastic heading towards your car.

It's his car, not my car.

Okay, but you're the only person out here, and we have a responsibility to go

with only the evidence we have.

So... Wes?

Wes! You're alive!

Easy, easy.

Back away, sir. Back away.

Sit down.

Are you okay? Are you okay?

You're okay, buddy. You're okay. Sir, we need you to be quiet so that we can ask

your friend some questions. Slowly, slowly.

Take it slow.

Take it slow.

We got you. We got you. We got you.

Easy breaths. Easy breaths.

Okay.

Sir, are you okay?

I don't know.

I don't... Sir, I'm a police officer.

I'm here to help.

I can't... I'm sorry. I can't really...

Who are you? I'm a police officer.

I'm here to help.

You are?

Yes. You are?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Thank you. Thank you.

Where is he? Where is that horrible man?

Which man? Which man? Who are you talking about? The killer. The killer.

He's wearing a black button -up shirt with black pants.

He's so fucking evil. He's so evil.

He said he was a real estate agent, and he wanted to make a video for some

stupid fucking house show and then He chased me into the woods, and then he

tried to kill me with a shovel

That's

a lot of blood

Oh, shit, we need to get him to a hospital. Okay, all right.

Wait a minute, you're not finished questioning him yet, though.

No, no, get him to the hospital.

Take him in, take him in. I got him, I got him. Here we go, here we go.

Follow me, follow me. Sir, sir, we need you to back away.

You're okay, you're okay.

Come on, come on.

Sir,

follow us to the hospital, okay? Yes, and then we'll continue the questioning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you serious?

Sir!

Sir! What are you doing? Get back in the car. Follow us directly to the

hospital. I have to talk to you about something.

Get back in your car.

It's going to be a bit uncomfortable, but it's very, very important.

I don't know. It's your car, man. We don't have time for this. Is he kidding

right now?

We have somebody. I know. Get him to the hospital.

Go ahead. I'll go check. Yeah. Oh, okay. We got to get there. Yeah, I know we

got to get there. God damn it. Sir, what are you doing? Thank you. You have to

follow us to the hospital.

Turn around here so we can turn around.

No, no, no.

What I wanted to tell you is that you're incredibly unprofessional.

Very unprofessional.

You guys should not be letting people like me go.

Disappointing. You're supposed to protect us.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm just getting old.

Is excellence not a thing anymore?

It's like all we're shooting for is just a B -.

Everybody gets a trophy, you know?

Sure, everybody gets a trophy.

You get a trophy.

You get a trophy.

Everybody gets a trophy.