All language subtitles for Southern.Charm.S10E05.Beer.and.Loathing.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Previously
on "Southern Charm".

They did a scan on
the spot on my kidney.

- Cancer?
- I mean, they don't know.

Just when we
thought Brett's health

was in the clear, he
dropped a bomb on me.

Meanwhile, the rumor mill
put Taylor in a sour mood.

Sally and Shep,
they were just being

very negative about Gaston.

I [bleep] hate her boyfriend.

You're not alone.

Nobody else knows him.

Well, I think he
needs to come around.

And as Craig was
keeping a low profile at home-

I don't want it to
be just a podcast room.

I think it's crazy
that you and Austen

live in the same place,
and you don't record

your podcast in person.

He's usually
too hungover to do it.

Pat
invited some of us

to celebrate her birthday.

Where's Craig?

I thought he was in Sonoma.

We don't really
talk, or text anymore.

We see each other
when we podcast,

but it's turned into business

more than like a friendship.

Which left
Craig and Austen's bromance

on shaky ground.

Our friendship will
never look like it used to.

I knew that that's how
you were gonna take it.

You can either swim or leave.

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ The rising tide

♪ Flip it up now

♪ He's a lonely sailor

♪ Sailor, sailor, sailor

♪ Mm-Hmm

Ew!

What is that?

Get the electrolytes.

Start the day strong.

See, we all need water.

You're not alone.

Huh.

Boots.

Wanna help me water the plants?

What is that?

Is that scary?

Yo.

Hello?

Where you at?

- What's up?
- Not much.

I haven't been here
in a long time.

I just passed my old house.

Oh my god.

It's come a long
way, hasn't it?

It's like a real house.

It was just a piece
of grass, remember?

- For the big boy.
- I know.

This is a
very good investment.

Dude, I literally can
see it out my back window.

If this tree weren't here,

I think that I could see
straight onto your house.

You gonna get anything?

Let's see what you
got going on in here.

Like a Waterloo, or-

I might do an energy drink.

Those are energy drinks.

Okay.

I'll try this.

Are you
aware of Taylor's

birthday on Friday?
- Yeah.

Did you
get the invite?

No?
- No.

- No.
- Are you kidding?

She won't even have, she
won't even shake my hand,

it sounds like, barely.

I thought that maybe
you'd wanna get

like a cup of coffee,
or some ice cream.

Your new girlfriend
doesn't care about that?

I don't know, I haven't
really run that by anybody.

Are you gonna crash?

No.

Go have fun.

I'm gonna be down the street

at a concert that my friend's
in the band in, you know?

Yeah.

And I'm gonna have fun.

Anyway.

I'm dying to hear
about yesterday.

I thought that I was
doing a good thing.

I was like, Craig,
I'm coming to you

from a place of like
missing my friend.

Like, if I'm going to lunch,

you're not on my
phone call list.

If I'm going to get a beer,

you're not on my
phone call list.

Because your answer is normally

I'm gardening or-

When's the last time
you asked me to lunch?

That's what I'm saying, Craig.

Because it's always-

- But that's a you thing.
- Okay.

And maybe I didn't
get that part across.

So this is just like
what you wanna do?

Like, you just wanna hide out

and not make the effort anymore.

Not make the effort?

Than what we do.

- We record-
- I know.

- Twice a week-
- I know, but-

And we see each
other at the gym.

But Craig, man,
that's business.

My whole life is business now.

He just like can't handle

any sort of
constructive criticism,

'cause Craig Conover is
living life perfectly,

and how dare anybody
say otherwise?

Did you leave okay?

I actually haven't
talked to him.

Is he so thin skinned now

that it's like talking,

it's not even worth
bringing anything up?

My expectations have been here

of what our
friendship should be,

so I'm not gonna
bring it up anymore.

I'm just gonna lower
the bar, I guess.

I mean, I told
you guys in Camden.

It sounds to me like
you just don't see

relationships the way I do.

Craig and I will never
really be, like, close.

No, no.

You're right.

- It's all good.
- Yeah, yeah.

Craig and I, we've
just known each other

so well for so long, even
though I sometimes wonder

how well I know him.

But I'm not as hurt
by Craig's nonsense.

I don't want to be in
a [bleep] place, dude.

I don't know, I hate that.

Yeah.

That's too bad, but nothing
lasts forever anyway, you know?

We hope it does.

The best times, you know,
always come to an end

with different people.

There's a lot of
Shakespeare plays.

Henry IV part one and two

are about that.

- Hello.
- Hi!

How are you?
- How we doing today?

- Good.
- Hello.

- Welcome in.
- Thank you.

We know that it's soft
shell crab season.

It is.

So we want to do
the soft shell crab.

Yeah.

- Two of those?
- Yes.

Perfect.

- Fun.
- Yeah.

Birthday girl.

- It's your birthday?
- Yeah.

- Big three-oh.
- Oh.

I'm jelly.
- I'm getting old.

So maybe I'll get you

a little key lime later

for to celebrate.

- Oh, wow.
- Oh, thank you.

- Why not?
- Why not?

Just keep this bucket
near you, ladies.

- Oh, awesome.
- And we'll find you shortly.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Enjoy, my pleasure.
- Thank you.

Anytime.

Leslie will get in the
car at any given moment

if I allowed her to
come anytime she wanted.

We talk all the time.

We're texting all the time.

And I'm very thankful for it.

Well I'm glad you're here.

So glad to be here.

I wouldn't wanna
be anywhere else-

- Did you have fun?
- On your 30th birthday.

So catch me up on your life.

Tell me how you are
doing these days.

- Doing good.
- Okay.

This weekend,
I will be throwing

a little birthday soiree.

Oh, I bet.

You know, I keep thinking about

me when I was 30, how
different our lives are.

I was married, I just
had your brother.

And thinking about
how great it was

to be a mom and have a family.

My perception of 30 was not,

I'm like, oh, they're
ancient, you know?

It was like my parents.

Now that I'm here,
I'm like, holy

how did they do this?

Like, how did my
mom have three kids

at the age of 36?

I'm like six years
away from that.

Wow.

That looks incredible.

Thank you!

Oh, this looks great.

Ah, love collard greens.

Yeah, so anyway, you know,

I look at what you're going
through at the same age.

I don't
know where you know,

we lose your brother.

I have to say, I know this
is hitting hard for you,

because your brother passed
away after filming wrapped,

and I send my
condolences to you.

Thank you.

And for you to go
through all this stuff

in your 20s is
really unfathomable.

- Mom, I can't-
- Okay, we won't.

- I just, I really can't.
- Okay.

Everything that
I've been through

is just kinda like crazy.

I have my ups and my downs.

But your dad and I,
we're so proud of you,

and how you've navigated
these horrible waters.

And I know that if Worth
were here right now,

he would just say, "Baby
girl, you're rocking it."

It's been about nine months

since my brother's passing,

and I think hitting
this big milestone

without a very key
component in my life,

it is gonna be really tough.

Pardon me.

As I promised.

Hey, thank you.

- I was gonna do a candle.
- Oh!

Oh, it would've blown out.

But it was way too windy.

- Thank you.
- Appreciate it.

- My absolute pleasure.
- Very sweet.

Enjoy, ladies.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

So Taylor Ann, what do you

most want for your birthday?

To be left alone.

Do you think that
would be good for you?

Really, just kinda be
sitting there by yourself?

Not on my own, by myself.

You know, you seem so happy

in this relationship that
you're in with Gaston,

because he has been
so good to you.

And he's been
there by your side.

Gaston never got the
chance to meet my brother,

and he stepped in at a
very scary moment, I guess.

Your mom called me, and
obviously this is a big one,

first without your brother.

Like right now, I just try to

not really think about it.

Yeah.

But it's like
those moments where-

- You're by yourself.
- It's kinda quiet.

Or like you really
think about it.

Yeah.

Sorry, baby.

So.

Sorry.

Sorry.
- It's okay.

And instead of running away,

he's like, can I help
you pick up the pieces?

You know, I've never
been a big celebrator.

Yeah.

I was so pissed off at
Worth when he did the-

- I know, that surprise.
- The surprise party.

And
that was your 27th.

It wasn't even like a big one.
- Yeah.

That's why I'm saying though,

if he were here,
he'd be so excited

about baby girl
turning 30, you know?

Oh yeah.

It would be such a big deal,

and just in honor of him,

for you to have a special day.

- Hey Paige?
- Yeah?

Gorgeous.

- I do good?
- Yeah, you did great.

Good job, chicken.

Good job.

One of your secret talents

is you were a florist
in another life.

It's actually
just being a girl.

Like, we do it all.

Does that come
with the territory?

How many hats can I wear?

Look at us with an
impromptu party.

Hi, what's up?

Taylor's birthday party

that we're supposed
to go to tonight,

she canceled it.

So what
does that mean now?

I don't know, should
we have people over

in the backyard?

Yeah, whoever
was going to Taylor's

can come here.

Well, I mean, I guess
we were supposed to

celebrate Taylor, but instead
we can celebrate my swimmers.

I don't know how
comfortable I am

having a party for your sperm.

You'll be going in here.

Okay.

There's lubrication
over there.

We have a TV setup if
you need to use it.

Yeah, that's okay.

And then there
are cups over here.

Make sure to get
it all in the cup.

Okay.

Chicken.

You better get
comfortable with my sperm.

I think I'm
plenty comfortable with it.

Because part of
the sperm process

is you have to
decide what happens

to your sperm if you die.

Oh my god.

So I'm leaving you my sperm.

Is there a return policy?

In the rom-com
world that I live in,

I die, and you're
like, but I still wanna

have his children.

I would never do that.

What, I'm gonna have a child,

and then actively
not give them a dad?

Baby, I know, but it's just,

instead of throwing
it away immediately,

I want you to have the choice.

I'll talk to it,
and put it in a jar-

- It's my gift.
- Over my mantle.

It's my gift to you.

Um, let's go over
what we're doing

for the party.

I ordered the barbecue.

Okay.

Even though I would've
liked to cook for everyone,

I think you were right.
- Yeah, I know.

Austen, does he know that
Taylor's got canceled

and people are coming here?

I haven't talked to him
since he came over here

and knocked my hustle.

I just, Austen
just confuses me,

because I feel like
he makes things up.

Like you just saw
him at the gym.

You see him once a week

because you have a
business together.

Well I mean that's
why I was dumbfounded

when he said it.

I was like, if you don't
value all of that time

spent together, and if
there's something lacking

in our relationship, then you
should go find a new friend,

because I'm never gonna
be the bar guy again.

Our friendship will never
look like it used to.

That's fine, man.

I understand.

I just would never tell you

how to live your life.

I also have this deep feeling

that Austen is
foaming at the mouth

to say that the
reason you're changed

is because of me.
- Right.

Like, he's not gonna
show up to our house

and be like, "Oh, you don't
come to the bar anymore,

I never see you."

Like, get the
outta here.

No, I know, baby,

and that's why I'm disappointed.

Austen likes to take people
and blame them for stuff,

so in Austen's mind, people
are the problem, not him.

I think he'd rather us break up.

100%.

I'll take my
jersey off the wall

and head back to the bars.

Like, guess what makes me happy?

Me.

Yeah, and your boobs.

Or your butt.

Craig, come over.

Just kidding.

Not really.

Coming up.

Craig's
hosting a party today.

Of course he is.

I did not hear about
this party from Craig.

- Hey.
- Hey!

What you doing?

Just messing with
my flowers out here.

Mine
look pretty good.

Yeah, they
look real good.

I love it.
- Thank you.

I had to do my own.

I did my own too.

Oh, okay.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, what are you drinking?

- Homemade lemonade.
- Lemonade?

Yeah.

I made it myself.

- I guess you made that, too?
- Of course I did.

No, I didn't.
- Little homemaker.

I know.

You're the best little wife.

I'm trying to be.

I got, Brett told me some news.

What's that?

So he did some blood work,

and it didn't come back normal,

and they found a
tumor on his kidney.

We don't know, we don't
know what it is, but still.

So it's like, okay, like
I didn't start crying,

or you know, but if I
lost him, I would die-

You just gotta pray.

I just kinda, I don't know.

I don't know what to do.

All you can do is
comfort him and love him,

and just keep telling him
that you're right here

by his side.

I wished I'd done
more for your dad,

but your dad was too far gone.

You know?

This is definitely the worst
year of my life, for sure.

Because my dad was
diagnosed with cancer, too.

But he didn't last.

This is life, I guess.

I just [bleep] hate it.

And I'm
like, I [bleep] hate it.

Whatever it is,
they're gonna get it,

clean it up, and life goes on.

All right, well I
might switch this out

to something a little stronger.

All right.
- Okay, baby.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

- Talk to you later.
- Okay.

Bye, honey.

Oi, oi, oi.

I hate folding clothes,

but also, it's kind
of therapeutic.

I'm surprised you even know

how to turn on the
laundry machine.

You mean the
washer?

I don't know why you
bitch all the time.

I don't bitch, you
bitch all the time.

About my inability
to fold properly.

Very good.
- Mm-hmm.

I like everything lined up,

I think from my glory days

of working at Abercrombie,

spraying Fierce on
everybody that walks by.

What's up, baby tits?

- What's up?
- Nothing much.

But I woke up today to find out

that Taylor's party is canceled.

I don't know if
you talked to Craig or not,

but I mean he's
hosting a party today.

Of course he is.

Well, I mean.

I did not hear about
this party from Craig,

which I guess tells me
everything I need to know.

Oh, Lord.

Damn.

Are you guys good?

I mean, that's what
I'm trying to figure out.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on.

Just reverse, rewind.

What happened?

I kinda just
had a convo with him.

How was that?

I thought that I was
coming from a place

of being constructive with him,

because I didn't know how
Craig was gonna react.

Yeah.

But I think that
this kinda tells me

what I need to know.

I see what he's doing.

I know exactly what he's doing.

He's not extending
the invite to me

'cause I told him something
that he didn't wanna hear.

He's a petty little bitch.

I feel like you guys

have a little tension still.

It's like dueling brothers, but.

All right guys,
we'll catch up next week.

- All right, babe.
- All right.

All right.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Jesus Christ on
a [bleep] cross.

Come take my pulse.

I need my emotional support dog.

Coming up.

- I love that.
- What is that for?

It was for Taylor's birthday.

I guess everyone
has dick on the brain.

I was trying
to have a classy party.

Do we need that stuff?

Well, we should bring
the plates out on this.

Look, it matches my dress.

That's why I
got it for you, chicken.

I don't know if
we have any silverware.

We have regular silverware.

- Maybe they packed some.
- up.

Home team probably did.

Should we take this out, or?

Sure.

I gotta get a lighter
for the citronella.

Okay, well that's not
a priority right now.

What's the priority?

This.

'Cause there's gonna
be a lot of people-

Well, you know what happens
when you take food out?

The bugs come, so citronella.

I did spray the yard, though.

I mean, do you
want the food out?

I don't know.

Or do you want people to hang?

I don't know.

Oh, this is what I
have to drink, look.

- Oh, perf.
- White wine.

We don't
have wine glasses.

Champagne.

No, these are
outdoor wine glasses.

Here, let's put the food away.

Okay.

And then we'll make
everyone a drink.

Okay.

Pull the whole thing,
put it on that.

Yeah, I like
having this clear.

Yeah, I agree.

This is my dream scenario.

Like, I built a backyard
for entertaining.

I wanna be the house
that my friends

can just show up to, or
we can call an audible

and just be like, you know what?

We're going to
Craig's for the night.

Is my eyelash falling off?

Don't touch, just look.

You have to ask one of
the girls or the gays.

Why, you don't have eyes?

I've never been asked

are your eyelashes
falling off, Craig?

Okay.

Turn 'em on.

- Well hello.
- Hello!

Oh my god, the
lady of the house.

Two hot new bombshells
have entered the villa.

No, I love it!

I really was only concerned
if you two were coming.

Duh, oh, thanks for
bringing some ice.

Oh my god, of course.

Oh, thank you.

We've got white
wine, champagne, rose.

I've got Modelo.

I'll make Ultra inside.
- I'll do a Modelo.

That's perfect.

Hello!

- Hey, welcome!
- Hi!

Hi!

- How are you?
- Hi.

- So nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Wait, that's amazing.

Thanks for coming.
- It was for Taylor, but-

- It's good on ice.
- I figured I'd bring it here-

- We'll eat it.
- And we have a dick cake, so.

- I love it.
- What is that for?

It was for Taylor's birthday.

Oh, that's funny.

But, you know,
that didn't happen.

It says "Entering your
30s doesn't suck too bad."

Because everyone
has dick on the brain.

I was trying
to have a classy party.

I've never actually
touched his wiener,

so like, chill out.

Craig and I, we used
to sext each other.

I mean, I'm not
trying to steal him

from Paige or anything.

Like, we only ever
knew each other online.

They lived in the same town?

Wait, what is happening?

It's like a light,
god is just giving us

a little sprinkle.

Craig, why don't you open this

for like two seconds?
- Okay.

You can go to
the screened in porch.

My weave, my weave!

Jeez, those
raindrops are huge.

Oh no, our fruit, Craig!

Oh no!

Oh my goodness!

It's [censored] pouring!

Is it a hailstorm?

- Girl, run!
- Oh, Venita!

God,
it's a rainstorm!

Oh my god.

You look so cute.
- Thank you.

Wait, I'm obsessed
with your voice.

Ah, everybody.

- I hate it.
- I love it.

Let's check the radar.

I had laryngitis, which
is not contagious right now.

Also I've never seen
Craig's backyard.

It's so pretty.
- It's so cute.

All right.

I mean, the
flowers are insane.

All right, Craig's got it.

- Oh my god I didn't even-
- His landscape guy-

- Realize.
- Really did do-

- He did a great job.
- Such a great job.

Aye, aye, aye.

What?

The rain?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Why did Taylor cancel the party?

You know, I'm just
getting vague information

in this game of telephone, so.

Yeah, I heard she
went to her mom,

did lunch with her
mom, got upset,

and then just
canceled the party.

Is Craigy on the grill?

No, we had it catered.

Yes!

Nice.

He wanted to do it,
and I was like, no.

I'm wearing a babydoll dress.

Yeah no, you can't.

You're like, I
just wanna look good.

I'm not gonna lie, I was like,

didn't have anything for
a Hawaii themed party,

so this couldn't have
worked out better for me.

I know.

I was going-

Oh, that was the
original theme?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

I had something, it
wasn't full on Hawaiian,

but it was a nod to-
- To the flowers?

- Colors.
- Yeah.

Were you gonna have a pig,

roasting a pig?

I don't know what
was gonna happen,

but when Craig said
it was canceled,

I was like yeah,
why would we not

just have everyone here?
- Yeah.

You talk to Austen?

No, I'm not really
talking to Austen right now.

Yeah, well he seemed
a little perturbed

about you having a party.

He just came
over the other day

and said he was mad at me,

and he doesn't think
I'm a good friend,

so I was like, I
invite you over here

all the time, and he's
like, this doesn't count.

How'd he word it?

He was just like, "Oh, Craig
invited you over there?

Oh, I wasn't invited.

Oh, I see how it is."

Yeah, that's what
happens if you,

look, Austen, if you don't
think I'm a good friend,

and if you don't consider
this part of the friendship,

then I don't, I'm not
gonna chase you down

and convince you
to be my friend.

Craig has created a
very beautiful bubble,

but sometimes it's nice
to leave the biodome.

I mean, Craig can
have an NA beer

and still go out and
have a good time.

You know, there has
to be a concession

to kinda keep these
friendships going.

I don't know where any
of this is coming from.

I feel like you guys

are like dueling
brothers at this point.

Yeah, except like
I'm kinda growing out of it.

You're like, I
have my own brother.

- Yeah.
- My own brother to deal with.

And I have a girlfriend.

Like, I'm not your
boyfriend, Austen.

I mean, look, I'm
not gonna extend

an olive branch
to him right now.

Coming up.

Me and Gaston, we had
a conversation yesterday.

Mm-mm!

He told me to keep his name

out of my [bleep] mouth.

- Hey, everyone.
- Hi.

It's done raining
if we would like

to come out here.

- Oh, is it?
- Yes, we would.

Welcome, Venita.

Have you ever been here?
- No.

Your home is so beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

I mean, I like that you put

those mature trees
in along the fence.

- Hi, Leva!
- Hi!

- Hello!
- Oh, you look so pretty!

You look so cute!

It is so nice
back here, Craig.

Thank you.

Like, why do I
have chill bumps?

- Oh, wow.
- It looks so good.

It looks so good.

It looks like an ad.
- Thank you.

It's so good.

It's fun to
share with everyone.

Aloha!

Oh, you look so cute.

- Hey, how's it going?
- Good, welcome.

What up, sugar tits?

What are you
about to call me?

- Sugar tits.
- Slut and now.

- Hi.
- Hi!

You look so pretty!

- Hey, how are you?
- Good, how are you?

- Good, thanks for coming.
- Thank you for having me.

Of course.

This is Paige.

- Hi.
- Hi.

So nice to meet you.
- Thanks for having me.

- You look so cute.
- I love your dress.

Oh, thank you.

Is Craig getting you a drink?

Um, I don't know.

Okay, what do you want?

I love that we're all
wearing blue and white.

I know, Brett was like,

"Oh my god, you
look like a Mormon."

I was like, "I look
like a Baptist."

Yeah.

I was like, are
you kidding me?

He was like, okay.

I look like the hottest
of the Sister Wives.

Yeah.

Molly, are you dating
anybody right now?

No.

How are you single
right now in Charleston?

'Cause I hate everything.

I think the ratios are off.

I think there's
more women than men.

Yeah.

It's a mess.

It's always been a mess.

Then you think
about the gay men,

so it makes the
ratios even worse.

Yeah, that's true.

I debate dating.

And then I get, I
don't know.

I don't know.

I never even know if
anyone's flirting with me.

Like, I've had sex twice

in the past two and a half year.

Maybe one day.

Or I'll just, my
hymen will grow back,

and I'll re-virginize.

Where's Manny tonight?

Is he in New York?

Oh, I didn't,
did I not tell you?

- She's sad.
- Manny moved to New York.

- Oh.
- For Broadway.

Guess what?

Our anniversary's tomorrow.

It is.

And we've been dating
specifically for eight months.

You are moving to New York

for the next four
months minimum.

I feel like we need
to have a conversation

about the fact that you
keep saying four months,

and like it's probably
gonna be longer than that.

Well, I knew he
got the Broadway gig-

Oh no, baby, he's
not coming back.

I didn't know that he's
not coming back, though.

Mm-mm.

How do
you feel about that?

- I'm here.
- Okay.

Yeah.

New York is his dream.

Broadway's his dream.

But I was not included
in a lot of the plans.

Yeah.

But yeah, so one day at a time.

My mom's disappointed.

- 'Cause they're close, yeah.
- Yeah, very.

And this is the only
boy she's ever liked.

And I've dated quite a few men.

Oh you have, have you?

Yeah.

Here, I'll
put out the food.

This looks so good.

This is really good.

I'm gonna take that
home with me tonight.

I'm so glad this worked out.

Me too.

This vibe is way better.

I'm confused on what
happened with the other one.

Y'all, I don't
know about you guys,

but Taylor never even
told me it was canceled.

Oh, I didn't get invited.

Oh.

You beef with her?

We don't beef.

- But you're just not like-
- We're not-

Besties?

She's dating my ex.

- Got it.
- Yes.

Yeah, that'll throw a
wrench right in there.

Yeah.

Wait, were you guys serious?

You and the guy?

- We said I love you.
- Oh.

But, and that's not why we,

I don't think
that's why we beef.

I have history with Shep.

Small history.

Like a two hour kinda-
- History, got it.

And then she just didn't like-

- She found out?
- Because of that.

Yeah.
- Oh, okay.

Yeah.

It wasn't during their
relationship or anything.

And then she said
some things about me.

And they got back to me.

Classic.

Tell us.

What she said.

Yeah, we gotta know.

I mean, come on.

You can't sit on that.

You're just
like, what'd she say?

Yeah.

She spread that
I was a hooker.

She said high end, though.

- That's nice.
- Well, that's nice.

Like, for politicians and stuff.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

She did the same
thing to me last year.

Yeah.

Not that I was a hooker,

but just that I, well
basically a hooker.

Yeah, I mean.

Wait, she said that about you?

Yeah, pretty much.

She said that I had
another boyfriend

in New York City.

What about your
girl cheated on you?

I was like, wait,
I hope he's hot.

- Yeah.
- Right.

I mean, I kinda, I don't know

her boyfriend at all,

but I'm definitely curious

what people like about him,

because I personally don't
think he's attractive,

so I'm like trying to-

He can hear you
from a mile away.

Wait, he's here?

No, I'm talking
about his ears.

- Oh!
- That was so mean.

It was so mean.
- I was like, wait!

I didn't-

That was mean.

I kind of need
to see a picture.

- Oh, I have plenty.
- Okay, we'll see one.

How long have they been dating?

- Six months.
- Since July,

'cause it overlapped
with me a little bit.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Like, he met my
family on July 4th.

He was on my dad's boat.

And then like two weeks
later, he was with her.

- Oh my god.
- Yeah.

That is not
what I was picturing.

- That's him.
- Uh.

He's cute.

He's cute.

Okay.

We were, like, hot
and heavy for a minute.

Yeah.

Wow, that
looks passionate.

That does look passionate.

- He was great in bed.
- Oh!

I got a more
passionate man now.

You know him.
- Oh, he's cute.

He looks
like Jesus with tats.

Mm.

Also, Taylor slept with him.

Salley, way to bury
the freaking lead.

Me and Andrew
were best friends.

He was the one that got me

through the Gaston [bleep],

and I helped him get
through the Taylor [bleep].

Why did you take your
shirt off?

I've seen a lot of videos
that start like that.

We bonded over it, and
yeah, now we're dating.

Okay, well I'm happy
that you have a new man.

Yeah.

How did you and Gaston leave?

I mean, are y'all
like friendly, or not?

Oh, mm-mm.

- Don't speak?
- Mm-mm.

Well.

Give it to us, Salley.

You're gonna sit in my backyard

and make eyes at Madison,

and not tell me the gossip.

I invited you to my home.
- Well, nobody knows this.

We had a conversation yesterday.

Mm-mm!

First time since July.

What happened?

He told me to keep his name

out of my [bleep] mouth,

'cause he heard that I was,

I was like, listen.

I'm keeping a lot to myself.

It was like a two
minute conversation.

And it escalated very quickly,

and he started
raising his voice,

and I was like, I think I
ended the phone conversation

with thank you for reminding me

of the kind of
person you are.

And it proves to me that
nothing has changed.

Oh, wow.

Coming up.

Austen said I'm a bad friend,

so I recorded the podcast
by myself last night.

This is what you're
supposed to use, right?

What is the difference?

Dude, I don't know.

I mean, literally.

It could be a broom.

The amount of times
my dress has flown up,

and my hoo-ha has
almost flown out.

Do you not have on underwear?

I don't have on anything
under this dress, honey.

- Wait, you are scandalous!
- I don't own underwear.

So it's just airing
out the whole day?

Yeah, it's airing out, baby.

Let that thing breathe.

Hi, guys.

- Hey, babe.
- Hey.

I saw you over there

smelling all the things
Craig was making you smell.

It smells good, though.

Craig was
telling me all the ways

that you have made things-
- Lovely, nice?

Yeah.

Craig was like, she helped me

start doing things around here.

Like, doing the
dishes, you know?

Yeah, just like
folding laundry.

- Folding my laundry.
- Here's a crazy thing.

Let's put our
folded laundry away.

You want the
place to look good

for your partner,
like to show off.

Well I like houses that
look like no one lives there.

So what is your thing
that you don't like to do?

Oh my god, you're really
putting me on the spot.

Popped right into my head.

Really?

Paige doesn't cook.

I don't not cook.

I just don't-

Well, you don't have
to, 'cause I cook.

Cook, yeah.

Rodrigo, be honest with me.

Why did this party
get canceled today?

I think that emotionally,
Taylor's just a spin.

I feel like the stress
of Salley coming around,

and having things to say

about her relationship
with Gaston.

Well, what if
there is some truth

to what Salley is saying?

I mean, why is Gaston
calling Salley?

Why'd he call her yesterday?

- He did?
- Yeah.

To say what?

To silence her.

- Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, they shouldn't
be having communication,

but like, from my knowledge,

you know, I heard that they were

both very toxic
people to one another.

Right.

So I'm like, if
you guys can both own

how you were in
your relationship,

fine, do that.

But I mean, at this point,
why is he calling her?

From what I've just heard,

it was to say, "Hey,
listen, I'm hearing

what you're saying about me,

and you need to keep
your mouth shut."

He told me to keep his name

out of my [bleep] mouth.

This town is like a
soap opera on steroids,

with people dating
each other's exes,

and it makes me worried
about my friend,

because I don't want
her to go through

the same things
again with Gaston

that she went through with Shep.

Well, that makes
this party cancellation

seem a little more, ooh.

His idea?

She's dating a dirt bag.

I'm cutting the cake, sweetie.

Please hold on.
- Oh yes!

Let's all have a
little bit of dick.

Do we have a candle?

I'm actually gonna stay here

and pretend this is my pool.

Yeah.

After you, my guest.

Oh, thank you.

Whoo!

Ooh, air conditioning is, Paige!

Not you in here cutting flowers!

She's so good at it.

I mean, she is doing
housewife duties.

I'm so good at it.

Let me get you a water.

What about just engagement,

without being engaged?

- All good.
- Well, we basically are.

Mm-hmm.

I think Paige has
so much confidence,

she could care less.

Like married, engaged, whatever.

She, I don't think is
gonna give a [bleep].

You guys should do
this more often.

- Well yeah.
- I think we will.

Yeah.

Did you feel-

I might call the
cops on my own party.

So everyone goes home.

You did so good.

Thanks.

I socialized a lot.
- You did.

And see?

It's fun.

I frickin' chatted it up.

Craig, what's
going on with you?

So where are you with the boys?

Like, Austen texted
me and was like,

it was very clear what you
were doing at Patricia's,

and I said, "Taking over Craig?"

He's like, "We were not
here to bash Craig."

And I was like, "Well, it
kinda seemed that way."

You know, he is
improving himself.

It's not like he's like-
- Yeah.

- Doing anything bad.
- No, no.

I mean-

It's turned into business

more than like a friendship.

Did you tell Madison Austen
came over the other day?

He came over here,

and he basically
knocked my hustle,

and said I'm a bad friend.

And I guess where I'm at is

if what we do already
isn't good enough,

then he has to move on,

because like, I'm
never going back

to that guy that he misses.

But also it's like,
you're a grown man!

Who the [bleep]?

What grown man goes over to
another grown man's house

crying that he misses them?

I was dumbfounded.

I was like, we're not dating.

Yeah.

Like, what are
you talking about?

Paige, I think
Austen wants to be you.

- I know.
- Dress included.

Watch my back.

I mean, Craig's in love.

He doesn't wanna be
with Austen anymore.

I love him, and I
thought we were good.

I thought he was on
the same page as me.

Apparently he's not.

So I recorded the podcast
by myself last night.

Oh, really?

Like, I like doing the
podcast with him and stuff,

but not when he acts like this.

I love when you get riled up.

Coming up.

JT just texted me.

I just know that Austen's
gonna get really mad

if I have coffee with him.

Hola.

What's up?

Good to see you.

I got you some gardening shoes.

Oh, thank you.

Is that what those are?

I mean, I think
they're for rain,

but they won't-

No, these are great.

You can spray them
off the mud and stuff.

Yeah.

I've actually been looking for-

- Good.
- Something like this.

- Good.
- Thank you.

I'll tell you that
these gardening shoes

will actually get a lot of use.

I love it.

All right, all right, all right.

What's up, man?

- What's up, brother?
- How you doing?

Good.

You all right?
- Yeah, good to see you.

- Yeah, you too, brother.
- How are you?

Good to see you.

- I'm just gonna have a water.
- Water?

Yeah.

I'll do a water, Diet Coke,

and do you have the
Sam Adams NA here?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll
do that too, thanks.

How are you gonna drink
all that?

Well, I get to drink
a little of everything.

You should try one of these.

They're really good.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

No problem.

Can we do the jerk
chicken quesadilla?

- The nonalcoholic beer?
- We got dips.

Yeah, it's great.
- Yeah, sure.

I'll try it.

- Cheers.
- Is this good?

Taste it.
- Yeah, okay.

It tastes just like beer.

Just like it.
- Yeah.

Good beer.

Any, you can have it
while you're driving,

you can have it-

While you're driving?

I always have it, yeah.

That's funny.

Thank you.

Ooh, yeah.

- Appreciate it, man.
- Not a problem.

No, I texted you this morning

because this is insane.

The internet, I was
coming to meet you,

and the internet
knew that.

And created this montage,

but I think it's really sweet.

Here.

Look at the babies.

I know.

Just the two of us, and then
sometimes the three of us.

Well yeah, we've
had some great times.

It gives me goosebumps, man.

All the good times we've had

all around the world,
and the United States.

Yeah, but that's why-

We don't have
to live in the past.

As soon as we
accept each other

for who we are-
- Or who we become.

Yeah, yes.

I don't think I'm
a very good mediator.

I've never really been
asked to be a mediator.

Just think it's
important to at least try

to maintain the bonds
that were formed

over the years, you know?

And of course they're
gonna be frayed,

but to try to repair them

is a beautiful thing, you know?

And I know Austen feels bad.

He's a little
confused right now.

But I certainly have an
opinion and a point of view,

so I could maybe
butt in and try to

make them see eye to eye,

because Austen seeks friendship,

and I mean, how could
you not be on his side

a little bit?

He's like, I miss my friend.

I mean, that's kinda lovely.

It's kinda nice and sweet.

My thing's just kinda-

Are you gonna
give him a chance,

like, or you're
not still pissed,

but you're just a
little frustrated?

What's the deal?

You know, look.

You and I, when we have like,

disagreements and don't
understand each other,

we can take space,
because there's nothing

tying us together, other
than our friendship.

Yeah.

So I honestly
think the solution

would be to take a step
back from the podcast.

Because then how
you live your life

won't annoy me.
- It's not a bad idea.

Instead of forcing yourself.

It has to be exhausting.

Well, especially when
your chemistry isn't there.

You know, with the podcast,
he wouldn't show up.

- Really?
- Or he'd be hungover,

like Xanning out, or
just miserable, you know?

And like, he bitched
about our podcast tour.

And he was like, "I
was there to have fun,"

and all this stuff.

I was like, "Yeah, no [bleep].

I had to do everything."

To your credit.

When I was doing
y'all's podcast,

you were in control of
the whole situation.

Well you know,
it's supposed to be

the most fun time of the week,

and I started to dread it.

I didn't know all that.

I treat the podcast as a job.

We get paid a lot
of money to do it,

and I do it responsibly.

He treats it as a party.

So maybe I'm outgrowing
the arrangement

that we had before.

I think we can all get
back to a great place.

Yeah, I guess.

JT just texted me.

"Would love to meet
up with you, buddy.

Seems to be a lot of
miscommunication going on here.

Hit me back if
you're interested."

Do it.

I'm interested to see
what comes out of it.

Um, I just know that
Austen's gonna get

really mad if I have
coffee with him.

But whatever.

Next time
on "Southern Charm".

I don't know how to begin.

I've kinda got some butterflies,

if I'm being honest with you.

You can start.

I'll leave it to you,
however you wanna start.

Why did Craig meet up with JT?

It felt like a
direct ax in the beef.

I'm done.

I'm not doing this anymore.

How much would
I have to give you

to sign papers saying Craig
owns "Pillows & Beer" now?

- Wait, we're doing this?
- Wow.

Madison said that
you were saying

that Gaston was great in bed.

He was great in bed.