Original subtitles

Previously on "Southern Charm."

Dear Miss Patricia,

I'm sorry for my lack of respect.

While JT was on damage control,

Shep and Austin were missing quality time

with their buddy Craig.

If Craig's seen with like a beer in his hand,

he thinks his whole business is going down.

Cutting himself off from everybody is not a solution.

♪ Ooh, ooh, the flashing lights ♪

And as all the bitches got decked out

for Rodrigo's Doggy Parton party,

Taylor was tied up in knots over seeing her boyfriend's ex.

Hi, cutie!

This is Boots.

Boots, adorable.

And her ex's new girlfriend.

I think it's the number one on the roster.

Oh.

♪ And she'll stir the tea

And even though JT was still in the dog house-

You didn't invite JT?

I hate anyone feeling excluded.

I couldn't rest easy

till I gave mini-man a piece of my mind.

Do you really think I would have an affair with you?

♪ She's a hurricane

♪ And baby it's not so easy

♪ Mm-hmm

Come here, Boots. We're gonna go downstairs.

Go pee pee.

That's a long pee.

My day starts at 4:30.

I let my dog out. Good boy!

I do yoga.

Five.

Quick shower, put my scrubs on.

And then 6:45 head to the hospital.

I'm in surgery until about one.

I feel like I'm living in "Grey's Anatomy."

It's a weird life that I live.

Morning. Morning.

What are you doing?

I'm looking at our schedule.

Regular scoli. Nothing crazy.

People are always shocked

when I tell them I control a robot in spine surgery.

And I'm like, "Excuse me,

do I not look like somebody that would do that?"

I really do think I have to take Dr. Shaffrey's case,

cover his T10 to pelvis, 'cause they're worried about it.

When's the case,

Thursday morning? - No, it's tomorrow.

When I was 15 years old,

I thought that I would have probably three kids by now.

Because I grew up in Greenville, South Carolina,

my family was very, very southern.

I did the whole cotillion thing, went to debutante balls,

but it wasn't for me.

I just wanted to be a boss.

I make close to $400,000 like all said and done.

Okay, well, I'll be there in like,

I don't know, give or take, 10 minutes.

Alright, sounds good.

Bye. - Bye. Bye.

I feel like I've finally become a very strong,

independent southern woman.

I don't need a guy to have a house, and I don't need a guy,

I don't even need a guy to have kids.

I can do it all on my own.

Hey Pooky. Pooky is looking good today.

Penny, get him.

Rod, come in.

I know no one who has ever used the door knob.

Oh!

You know how proper I am.

Your hairdo looks so good.

So, this is my place.

- I've never been. - You've never been here.

My little beach bungalow.

I bought this place when I was 24 years old.

- Dang girl. - I know, right?

Moving to the beach, I was like, "Lean to your aesthetic."

You leaned into it?

So if I go in the bathroom to go take a piss,

I'm gonna find like a basket of shells in there?

You're gonna see a naked mermaid.

If I see one more rope decor situation,

I'm going to use that rope on myself.

Gaston wants me to move in with him.

And I was like,

that finger looks a little empty.

Pump the breaks. You're already getting all the milk.

Hold on.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I would rather be engaged

knowing that we're planning a wedding and planning a future,

rather than just living together,

and then every three months, I'm like,

"So, do you think it's gonna work out okay?"

Okay, can I get you something to drink?

What do you have?

I don't know if you want a little glass of Viv,

is that okay?

Why not?

Well, Penelope still is clearly pooped out from the party.

I mean, did you have fun?

I did, but then Shep called.

Oh, what did he say?

He goes,

I know it's a couple days for your birthday,

and I thought that maybe you'd wanna get

like a cup of coffee or some ice cream.

Your new girlfriend doesn't care about that?

Um, I don't know.

I haven't really run that by anybody.

Did you talk to her at all?

Yeah, and she was great.

- That's very sweet. - The one thing that was weird

that she said, I was like, "I'm Taylor, by the way."

Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you too. - I heard so much about you.

Hopefully, good things.

Mostly.

I mean, do you think

like having Gaston there would've been helpful,

like in this situation, for you?

No, not really.

Well, Salley and Shep,

they were just being very negative about Gaston.

I [beeps] hate her boyfriend.

You're not alone.

Nobody else knows him.

Nobody else has gotten the time to be like,

"I'm gonna get to know this human being."

You know, having said that,

how do these people in this group get to know him?

I really think that maybe moving forward,

I think he needs to come around.

At least to be like, "Listen, meet Gaston.

Form your opinion by meeting Gaston."

I feel like that's kind of an important thing

that Taylor and Gaston aren't doing right now.

I think they need to, you know, own their relationship,

and you know, walk forward in that.

That way everyone else talking, the chit chat on the side

that have never met him, they can shut the [beeps] up.

They've got ice peach tea.

And then they got smoothies and matcha.

I think matcha is supposed to be good for you.

You know where matcha is huge,

is Australia. - Asia.

Everyone's like match tea,

matcha tea, matcha tea. - Everyone's attractive there,

yeah.

I don't think it's 'cause of matcha tea.

Okay, so let's do the matcha with coconut milk.

I'd like a strawberry mango cream.

A latte with oat milk.

Hot or ice?

Hot please.

We'll have those out

for you guys. - We'll have a seat.

Thank you.

Oh, is this mine?

The one on the left.

Yeah, can you grab that for me? Thank you.

I was surprised you guys didn't come over yesterday.

It was like 86 degrees. Who weather's here?

I can't wait. Yeah, but we better get in better shape.

Lift more.

Lock and squeeze.

Just off the route.

Ooh, that's smooth. Smoother than me.

Craig, I'm sorry you missed Sienna.

She was here last week.

I know.

I was flying back from California, and I was like,

"Oh, I wonder if Sienna went to the birthday party?"

She did.

Oh, well, hot damn!

Oh my God.

- Howdy! - Well, howdy!

Is she still here?

No, but she wants me to come down to the Bahamas.

I wanna spend more time down there and take things further.

Would you have kids with Sienna?

I would. She wants to.

Sienna talks a lot about it.

So she's got my head thinking in interesting ways.

Do you want kids,

or do you not care? - No.

Well, wait, "Do I want kids?"

I've always thought that that answer was yes,

but who in the hell is to say?

Well, me and Paige have decided to freeze my sperm.

Sign that and confirm.

Okay, how secure is the collection room?

Like do people ever break in and steal this stuff?

You'll be very safe.

Oh, sorry, not collect.

I meant is where you

store the samples.

Hey, how are you?

Good. How are you?

Good. You'll be going in here.

Okay.

So you'll just wash your hands before and afterwards.

And then there are cups over here.

Make sure to get it all in the cups.

Okay.

There's lubrication over there.

We have a TV set up

if you need to use it. - Yeah, that's okay.

Okay, awesome.

Thank you very much. Appreciate it.

Okay.

I read about this person got in a car accident,

and they were like, yeah, they survived,

but they like can't produce anymore.

And like I would be remiss to not say

that becoming a dad is like probably,

like whatever it's called when it has to happen

in my future.

Like, that's not like- - Certainty?

Yeah, like that's, for me, like-

Like, prerequisite?

Is that the word? - Yeah.

You know, now it's probably gonna be three or four years.

You're gonna be 40.

I know. I was thinking about freezing my sperm.

What the

If my testicles get chopped off...

It's like the craziest thing in the world.

The version of life

that I saw myself living isn't what I'm living,

which is like this stable home that I grew up in.

Every night at dinner,

my mom and dad were there and my brother,

and I just loved that.

But I think if you find the right person

and they happen to be a feisty Italian from New York,

things aren't always gonna go have you have it planned.

Did you decide or did Paige decide

that you wanna wait three or four years?

Or did you both decide? - She did,

and then it made sense to me.

Right.

It's like he's too, he doth protest too much,

except it's not protesting, it's agreeing.

Thou agree too much.

Without any influence from Paige,

yes, I'd be like, "All right, you date for a little while,

then you get married, then you have kids."

Yeah, we're gonna do that one day,

but why don't we just try and make

as much money as possible now.

I'm just making sure that like my buddy's doing

what he wants to be doing, that's it.

I want kids one day.

Have I ever told you that I want kids right now?

Or did that come from someone else?

Because I've never said I want kids right now.

Wait, what?

Ever since I've known Craig,

he's just like wanted to get married, wanted to have kids.

- The first tooth- - Tooth pillow-

- that's so cute. - Yeah, with a little pocket.

- Oh my God. - And they put

their little little tooth in there.

Who's Penelope?

It was the girl that Naomi and I'll never have.

I'm not entirely sold

that Craig wants exactly what Paige wants.

I mean, look, plans change,

and that's okay.

There you go.

Coming up...

This whole like game of telephone, it's been so twisted.

This screams Craig.

I think you should call Craig.

Whitney.

Mother.

Hey, honey.

Hello.

So tell me what's going on.

So I believe your birthday is this week.

Yes, I'm now 83.

When people remind me of how old I am,

I have to think for a minute, "That can't be possibly right

because I feel like I'm 40 years old."

I wanna go over this list with you.

Yeah.

Since you now own all of this,

I have things for you to be responsible for,

Which I have been responsible for.

Yes, you have.

But I mean, it hasn't been as organized as it could be, so.

Okay.

Several years ago, we had a meeting with our lawyers

and estate planners and money manager,

and they said when I kick the bucket,

Whitney is gonna have to pay, I don't know,

46% in death duty, something extraordinary.

And the house is now worth, I don't know,

15 million or something.

So we decided that Whitney should buy the house for me

and put it in his own trust.

There are things that are seasonal.

For example, the gardeners.

I've paying the gardeners and the landscapers.

- And the landscapers, okay. - They're two separate sets.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, there are a million things to keep up an old home.

For example, in the spring,

you have to buy new lilies at a certain place for the pond.

And so I took Whitney to the nursery,

and we went through that.

So next year, that's something that he can do.

Then there's the electrician, the pool guy,

exterior painters, interior painters, tromploy painters,

rug cleaners, the elevator, the generators,

furniture restorers, chimney and air conditioning guy.

Then there's the man that repairs the clocks.

Clock man, clock man, clock man. So.

It's like curating a museum that's like, you know,

without public funding.

Listen, when I kick the bucket, just have a big auction,

you'll make a lot of money.

Definitely selling those knickknacks on the table there.

I would never do that,

you know, just out of reverence to her.

Hopefully she'll be around, you know, until she's 120.

Because I can't imagine a world without mom.

It'd be like world without Dom Perignon.

Did you ever anticipate when we got this house,

what a money pit it would be,

or it was just,

that completely evaded any kind of logistical reasoning?

Well, you can afford it.

Great.

- Hi. - Hiya.

Do I just sit wherever I want? - Yeah, wherever you want.

Yeah, of course.

What's up?

- Hey friend, how are you? - How are we doing?

Good to see you. - You look good.

- Thank you. - No cane?

No, just limping around.

- Oh, good to see you. - How are you?

How are you?

I'm okay.

I am not so well.

I'm sick. I'm on antibiotics, but I'm fine.

Allergies?

No, just having a child.

Hi, how are you?

Did you guys want any chips in salsa or queso to start?

That's up to him.

No, I'll do the fish taco.

Can I get the crispy pork belly like on a lettuce wrap?

Yeah, sounds good.

Yeah. I'll get that right out for you guys.

Thank you. So, what's going on, friend?

You missed the dog birthday.

I know, and I love small dogs.

I know. I hate that you were not invited.

Well, [sighs] it seems

like I'm kind of like persona non grata right now.

After that party, Madison called me and she sat me down,

and she lit me up pretty good.

She lit me up good.

I think Austen might have been right about you

this whole entire time.

You are not a gentleman.

You called Patricia a bitch? You're the bitch.

I don't believe that I ever called that woman that word.

Thank you.

Both Taylor and I were like,

"I've never even heard JT use that word."

I wasn't raised to use three words, B, P, and C.

That's why I wanted to talk to you, 'cause I was like,

it didn't- - Yeah. No.

No.

I know you were upset

that Patricia didn't accept the cane right.

Like that-

I really wasn't even that upset.

Miss Patricia just was like, not taking this cane.

Isn't that weird?

This whole like game of telephone,

it's been so twisted. - Yeah.

This screams Craig. This screams Craig.

She knows Shep never wants to get involved

with that kind of drama.

It's definitely Craig, yeah.

I need Craig to walk all of his [beeps] words

in rhetoric back.

And if that's too incendiary, I'll die on that sword too.

Craig does have a tendency to exaggerate.

I'll have security sort you out or you can go.

It's time. It's time. - Yeah, I'm leaving.

Go. Just go home.

Go home. - What are you doing?

Go home.

You want me to run?

I'm mad at Craig.

I'm like,

because now I've lost Madison- - I get that you're-

as a friend.

You guys were friends.

I have no beef with her. I just sat there and took it.

I was like, with my cane, I'm like, "Um."

I think you should call Craig.

Just be like, "Hey, like it just seems

like the version of what I said isn't totally accurate."

What a jacked up situation.

Coming up...

Like I think it's crazy that you and Austen

like live in the same place

and you don't record your podcast in person.

He's usually too hungover to do it.

Hi chicken.

Hey baby.

up?

Chicken, I think I'm gonna tackle

the last room of the house.

Which is the, what? The FROG.

Are you laughing at yourself?

Yeah, I just think gets up on your word.

Do you know what it stands for?

Like a frickin'...

What does it stand for?

Front room over the garage.

Yes, I wanted to get your goals.

Don't worry about me.

You do what you want in that room.

For me, I don't want it to be just a podcast room.

You know, me and Austen, we've been podcasting now

for a couple of years.

It started the tail end of Covid,

and we were drinking a lot.

There was nothing else to do.

Yo, you had to back roll out a fart.

And now we go on tour twice a year.

We've done like 25 live shows,

and it's turned into a business.

I was also thinking

like I want it to be a multifunctional room

where I can craft.

We're crafting now.

I want a crafting corner.

Well, you got...,

What do you wanna craft, honey?

I wanna be able to use my embroidery machine,

and I want to be able to use my Cricut and do-

I know what, you'd be able to hem things for me.

Right.

And like- - It's been three years.

You haven't hemmed a single frickin' pair of pants for me.

Okay, well, look, here's the goal.

If I have an area to work from

where I don't have to clear off all my podcasting stuff,

my sewing machine will just be set up.

Why don't you do one wall

where you have like two chairs set up and your microphones.

And that's like pushed against the wall,

so it's not really taking up that much space.

Well, that's, and I think I'm gonna change

from like these things to floor,

like I have the floor stands.

Like, don't you think it's crazy

that you and Austen like live in the same place

and you don't record your podcast in person?

So, like, if you set up a couch right there

and two microphones, like,

why would he not come over once a week, every week

and just record it there.

And then you can do video.

Well, and it's so much better in person.

And I can set up.

Yeah, like the video

is what we're missing. - It's so much better

in person.

The chemistry is so much better.

He should be coming to my house,

but he's usually too hungover to do it.

His priority is his social life, which is fine.

Mine is work. Do you have any requests?

Like, do you want a designated corner for anything?

What would I put in my corner?

What about a wrapping paper wall?

What the

No.

You know how people have like wrapping paper rooms?

Yeah, and I think those people are [beeps] weird.

We'll go check in,

and then we'll come back and do the clubs.

Hey guys, checking in for a tee time today?

- Yeah, we had three. - Yep.

Good to go.

And you can grab any golf cart outside you guys would like.

Perfect.

You don't have an age limit

on the golf carts, right?

I tried, Hudson.

Don't say I didn't try to get you your own golf cart.

One day.

Yeah.

You're almost my size, so.

This one looks good.

Oh, these seats are comfy.

Woo!

All right, let's go.

Whoa, whiplash.

Is this gonna be the first time

using your new clubs, Hudson?

Yep.

Okay, so what are we planning for? Who's got money?

Allowance.

- I'll see what cash I got. - Oh, I'm outta this.

No, Hudson.

Nah.

Okay,

you gotta clean your room- - No, not that much.

if I win.

No.

But I kind of thought

that Hudson was never going to be a little punk.

And he is. And I'm like, "What is wrong with you?"

All right, I gotta get a warmup in.

Kaboom!

Shh.

Ooga Booga!

Hudson!

- You can't do. - Oh, mom's right with me.

Hudson's becoming a pre-teen,

and I think I have like seconds left

before he doesn't wanna hang out with me.

I'm so sad.

There you go.

Dang it!

- This one's what? - That's close.

Shorter swing?

Yeah.

- Oh, that was far. - Not that hard.

That's the short swing.

So if I have to pretend to know how to play golf,

that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Hudson, you wanna do some practice shots?

Yeah. Where's the bucket?

She's got it for you.

That was good.

Put your feet closer together.

Bummer.

How are you feeling?

You haven't really told me anything.

Doing all right.

Is it still hurt when you swallow?

No, it doesn't necessarily hurt.

I just have to think about it to swallow.

How's your swallowing?

I have to go see a specialist for it.

It's still bad?

Yeah, it's just like a marble.

It's like stuck there.

And they have to adjust the medication.

I'll try that for a couple months and then get tested

and see if that's where it should be.

And they did a scan. I have a spot on my kidney.

So-

What do you mean?

They have to do a biopsy on that and see what it is.

Are they thinking that it's cancerous or?

I mean, they don't know.

Like, if I hear the word cancer one more time,

I'm gonna lose my mind.

I just kind of thought we were in the clear.

They said it, you know, a good chance it could be nothing.

But my last three blood tests were off

so that's why they were concerned about it.

It's fine.

Mm.

Ooh!

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Well, 'cause I just didn't wanna worry you.

If it comes back as nothing, then there's nothing to tell.

Well, I need you to be able to tell me this.

I know, I just, you know, I don't talk about things.

That's just how I've kind of always been.

I mean, even in my family or whatever,

I just don't say much.

And I don't wanna burden other people.

Brett has such a huge family.

So when you're one of eight,

I think you just kind of deal with things at your own pace.

Alright? - well, I love you.

- I love you too. - Just make sure you

you tell me.

- I will. - From now on,

no more secrets.

I wasn't keeping it a secret.

Yeah, you probably would've went

and had the surgery and not told me.

Was that your plan?

No, but I mean-

You thought about it.

I wasn't gonna tell you until I had to tell you.

I think what frustrates me is the fact

that now Brett is wrapping his head around like,

okay, he has a wife,

so anything that happens to him happens to us.

Is this our first sign that we need to go to a therapist?

No.

Yeah, that's it.

No, I just don't...

Yeah, it's just kind of how I've always done it.

Well, can you try to make more of an effort

to tell me as you find out?

Yes.

- Okay? - Yes.

You promise?

Yes, I promise.

Okay.

- But you know- - Do you have-

- what I should tell you? - like a sister-wife,

or something that I need to know about?

I swear to God.

Coming up...

Thank you, Mom. I love you.

It's been 77 amazing years.

How much is that gonna cost me?

Is Renvy downstairs?

Yes, mother.

Hey, darling.

Hi, sweetie.

Where's Whitney?

Whitney's right there.

There's some champagne here.

Oh, how nice.

Yeah. Renvy.

Thank you.

Here you go.

Thank you, darling.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's hard for me to gush about my birthday

because birthday seems so silly for adults.

Birthdays are for children,

but it's an excuse to get together with friends.

Go to a good restaurant. Have fun.

Perfect.

Yes.

How much time do we have before we go?

We should leave now.

- Good evening. - Welcome and happy birthday.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Follow me. I have your table ready upstairs.

Thank you.

Oh wow, fabulous.

Patricia, you good in the middle?

Yeah.

And y'all are gonna get this room right here.

Okay, thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Enjoy. - Hello.

I am first to arrive.

- Wow, well done. - Hey.

Hey, man. Bud.

Hello birthday girl. - Hey, darling.

Hey, bud.

Hey, what's up?

How are you?

You looking strong as always.

- Oh, thank you. - Yeah, happy birthday.

Thank you so much.

Look how handsome-

Eddie wrapped that himself.

- Did he? - Yeah.

- He did a beautiful job. - He does it all.

Hello.

There he is. Hi, darling.

Hi, I'm here for Patricia.

Yeah, you can go ahead and follow me.

- Girl, good to see you. - Hi, birthday girl.

Hey darling, come over here and gimme a kiss.

How did I still end up looking like the slutty one?

No, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

Oh my gosh, I'll get emotional talking about

the impact Patricia has on me.

She's like a second mother. Do you remember Renvy?

Five years ago? - Yeah. Yes.

Renvy?

Hi.

She has tried to groom me into the most ladylike woman

that I could ever dream of being.

We're gonna have some cocktails.

Yeah.

And she makes it feel like it is possible.

Loving the Mezcal Negroni.

Thank you.

Can I have a glass of champagne?

- Absolutely. - Oh my gosh.

Thank you very much.

Is this yours?

It is now.

Good. It's an Mezcal Negroni.

Cheers.

Well, happy birthday.

Thank you.

I'll make a confession.

I'll lied about my age all these years. I'm 108.

I think your dermatologist is your best friend,

and also the dentist.

I go every three months

because if you don't take care of your teeth,

I think that makes you look old.

Whatever you're doing, continue to do it.

Continue doing that and-

Martinis.

I knew it, Martinis were the key.

Martinis are the key.

Guys, excuse me real quick.

I just wanted to say, lovely to have everyone here.

Great honor. Thank you, Mom.

I love you. It's been 77 amazing years for your birthday.

How much is that gonna cost me?

But anyway, love you. Happy birthday.

And may you have- - Thank you, darling.

77 more years.

- You're the best son- - Chin chin.

a mother could have.

Thank you. - Thank you, Mom.

Cheers. - Aw,

I'm getting emotional- - Cheers.

- with that one. - Cheers.

Cheers y'all.

- Cheers. - Cheers, guys.

What was said?

Just 77 more years.

77.

A great story about mom.

They sent me to a very progressive high school

in Washington DC.

Me and my friends were kind of like

the hooligans of the school, more or less.

I don't think I'm gonna like this story.

And so they called all our parents in.

And according to my father,

mom showed up an hour late in her fur coat.

She's late to some fundraiser.

She sits down- - I don't remember this.

listens for about five minutes.

She goes, "Well,

boys will be boys.

Bye, everyone,"

and leaves.

And that was it.

Yeah, I mean, how can you not love her?

She's very kind of ostentatious, glamorous,

doesn't suffer fools lightly.

You just gotta have an attitude towards life,

which I think you've instilled in me.

You just gotta go forward and don't give a

- Thank you, darling. - Happy birthday.

That was good.

Coming up...

Where's Craig?

I thought he was in Sonoma,

but apparently, he came back today.

I don't think it's a big deal that Craig's not here.

If Craig thinks it's a big deal

then he should make more of an effort.

Happy birthday, Patricia.

Thank you.

So we are gonna go ahead and start sending the food out.

We don't have to choose one course?

You don't have to choose a thing.

We have done it all for you.

Oh, nice.

Yeah. Cheers, everyone.

Oh wow, look at that.

Cheryl Day biscuits and white shrimp.

Look, a roast chicken- - Wow.

A little salsa marinade and a squeeze of lemon.

Austen, you look quite sharp.

Thank you very much.

Of course, you're good looking. So, of course.

Go on.

This is the best thing.

No,

this is a professional job. - Well, you know,

it's interesting, the last time we were here,

there was you, and what's your girlfriend's name?

Audrey.

We had fun.

I think she's charming, she's attractive.

And quite frankly,

I think you need somebody who is not a drama queen.

Am I wrong?

You are not.

I used to think I needed someone

that held my feet to the fire,

but I think it's the opposite.

Are you insinuating that she's a drama queen?

Well, more so than Audrey, that's for sure.

Yeah.

I feel like that's what Brett does for you.

correct me if I'm wrong,

and I see that in Audrey, is all that I'm saying.

You know, she's very like...

So you found yourself a Brett.

I guess you could say that.

Where's Brett? Is he at home?

Yeah, he's having so much fun there

not being here with all of us.

Honestly, I just still need a minute

to process what's happening with his health.

Brett's private.

I wanna keep this under wraps

until we figure out what's going on.

Is is there more soft-shell crab left?

No, Shep ate it all.

He used his fingers too.

That's how you're supposed to eat it.

Where's Craig?

I thought he was in Sonoma.

I thought he was out of town too.

But apparently he came back today.

Craig is at Kroger.

Well, I talked to Craig,

and he was like, "Well, what are you doing later," right?

And I was like, oh, this is so awkward.

This is so awkward.

I was like, "I'm going to dinner," you know?

And he was like, "With who?" I was like, "A bunch of us."

And he was like, "For what? Why are you being so coy?"

And I was like, "It's, you know, Pat's birthday."

And he was like, "Oh. Oh!"

I don't think it's a big deal that Craig's not here.

If Craig thinks it's a big deal,

then he should make more of an effort.

Whitney and I were talking about that.

When was the last time we saw Craig?

Well, he came over pretty Easter.

Prior to Easter, I haven't seen him in, what?

Six, seven months maybe.

We don't really talk or we don't text anymore.

We miss him. How often do you see him?

We see each other when we podcast,

which is basically, maybe twice a week.

And it's turned into business, you know,

more than like a friendship like it used to be.

Well, he's trying to be Martha Stewart.

This isn't a knock on Craig

'cause it's very smart of Craig, but he is a figurehead.

He is not at the warehouse with a hard hat on.

Jerry literally does everything for him.

We need to hire two marketing managers

and a junior designer.

Mm.

It's just, "Craig show up here,

throw a pillow up in the sky and write a caption."

Actually, he doesn't even write his own caption.

Why do you think he's trying to insulate himself

or curate this kind of new image?

It just, thinks it's better for business?

I don't know. It's not hard.

I mean, what's the point in getting success

if you don't enjoy it with people that you're friends with?

Prefer the old Craig, let's just put it that way.

He's far more interesting when he is drinking bourbon.

I mean, come on.

You know, he is improving himself.

It's not like he's like doing anything bad.

I mean- - No.

Well, you can improve yourself,

but it doesn't mean you have to be boring-

- Well, maybe- - in the process.

he just can't be himself

or who he is right now around y'all.

But what happened to the goofball,

the funny sort of self-deprecating Craig?

Like, that guy's gone.

I think the reason people like sewing down south,

like Craig, is his old fallible self.

Why is he so good at things that are so embarrassing?

Woo!

But the current Craig is always hawking product, you know?

Oh, here's our photo shoot

for a really exciting Kroger launch that we're doing.

And I think Paige is a pretty shrewd businesswoman.

And they said to themselves, we have to be professionals

and do this the right way.

And that's fine.

But I just think it's important to be honest and human.

As long as you're those things,

then your image should take care of itself.

It's just kind of interesting

that other people feel this way.

I didn't realize, I suppose,

that this absence has been noticeable to other people.

Coming up...

Our friendship will never look like it used to.

I knew that's how you were gonna take it.

You can either swim or leave.

Okay, my side.

Zoe's side.

I keep throwing pillows for you to sit down,

and you're not sitting.

Sit.

Lord have mercy.

It's hotter than the damn devil's toenail out here.

Hello.

Hey bud, thanks for calling me back.

Couple things, I was just at the gym,

and Craig walks in and is sort of grumpy, and I was like,

"So what are you doing today?"

And he's like, you know, "Austin is coming over,

and he's gonna tell me about all the

that everybody's been talking about me."

I'm [beeps] going into like a hornet's nest then.

You didn't say anything to him about last night

other than we had dinner.

So I'm almost positive that Madison is his,

it got him all agitated today.

It's certainly not my intention to go in there,

"And then he said this, and she said this."

It's like, you know, man, my own things that I want to say.

Well, stick to that, and good luck.

- Yeah, man. - And call me

and let me know how it goes, all right?

- Okay. - All right, buddy.

- All right. - Speak to you later. Bye.

Where all these weeds come from?

Never ending battle against this stuff.

Yo.

What's up?

What's up?

How's it going?

When'd you plant all these?

Three weeks, a month ago?

Yeah, I mean, I guess since the last time I was here.

I've got soda, waters, sodas, beers, anything.

Just a Waterloo or something like that.

All right.

Well, I basically just like wanted to come by

'cause [beeps] last night, it's like,

felt weird without you there.

I mean, it felt weird not being invited.

I don't get my feelings hurt too often.

I know, man.

Did Patricia say why I wasn't invited?

Yeah, it was like a combination

of like thinking that you were outta town and being like,

"I haven't, you know, really talked to Craig much."

Then the conversation switched to your absence.

So you talked about my absence

at a birthday party I wasn't invited to.

Do you see that that's crazy, right?

If you wanna see me more,

you have to invite me to your birthday dinner.

No, your absence when you are in town

is like what the conversation kind of switched to, you know?

This is where I'm at.

I mean, am I missing something or like?

Yeah, I mean just a little bit. I miss my buddy, okay?

And that's like where I'm coming to you from.

It's like, you know, we talk and do this,

but like if I'm going to lunch,

like you're not on my phone call list.

Like, if I'm going to get like a beer,

you're not on my phone call list,

because your answer is normally, like,

"I'm gardening or"-

When's the last time you asked me to lunch?

That's what I'm saying, Craig, because it's always-

But that's a you thing.

Okay. Okay.

I'm not a [beeps] mind reader.

I didn't know this is going on.

I thought we were good.

Like, why don't we set up a weekly tee time.

I told you that. I meant Sundays.

I was like, "Dude, let's do it like on Sunday."

Sundays don't work for me.

No

I was like, "Let's go play golf."

And you were like, "Yeah."

I was like, "Okay, cool.

We're gonna play golf like on Sunday."

And then you texted me like on Saturday night being like,

"I can't play golf, like, I'm just gonna garden."

Yeah, because I don't wanna waste five hours playing golf

when they have stuff to do.

I use a nasal aspirator,

as you saw in the video, to water them.

They need a gentle amount of water

and just a little whisper of encouragement.

You doing the gardening, bailing on golf,

and then putting it onto Instagram was just like a move.

It was like you bailed like on friendship to like-

It was work. We have a gardening line coming out.

Okay.

That's what makes me happy now,

is working and making money.

So then this is just like what you wanna do.

Like, you just like wanna hide out

and not make the effort anymore-

- Not make effort? - then like what we do.

Like, what?

We record twice a week- - I know, I know.

and we see each other at the gym.

But primarily,

that's business and shit. - My whole life

is business now.

Okay.

That's the fun stuff for me now.

Making money, getting healthy

and [beeps] my girlfriend.

Like, that's what I wanna do.

If you're a real friend,

you would be happy for someone for that.

And I built a [beeps] huge pool

and said you guys can come over whenever you want.

You know that like my fun isn't at the bar anymore.

That's okay.

Like, you don't have to be

my drinking buddy. - It doesn't sound

like that's okay.

Austen misses his drinking buddy, that's it.

No, I also like want to meet up with my buddy

and like grab barbecue and like talk about,

or like watch the match,

whatever match that may be.

I don't wanna go to the bar and watch a game anymore.

I wanna watch it at my house or his house.

But you won't.

You've set foot in my house like three times in your life.

Like, what is that about? It's [beeps] weird.

Our friendship will never look like it used to.

And that's fine, man.

I understand. - I just could never tell you

how to live your life.

Like, that's crazy to me. - I'm not telling you

to like, it just-

So, what would you like from me?

I dunno why you're making that face at me.

I didn't come to your house and do this.

Craig.

I understand that times change, right?

You got a girlfriend, both growing up,

we have different priorities, we're busier,

but I just feel like you keep those friends

that you were here with.

As you begin to flourish,

like those are the friends that you want to keep closest.

I was so worried that that's how you were gonna take it.

Okay, well, then if you've said what you had,

you can either swim or leave.

Okay.

Like, this is my life.

Next time on "Southern Charm."

What do you most want for your birthday?

To be left alone.

Just me and Gaston.

Craig gets agitated quick.

Is he so thin skinned now

that it's like not even worth bringing anything up?

Craig invited us to a party.

Oh, I did not hear about this party.

Me and Gaston, we had a conversation yesterday.

Mm-mm

He told me to keep his name outta my [beeps] mouth.