All language subtitles for S28E07.The Crowcroft Challenge

Is she watching?

She isn't watching.

That's why net curtains were invented.

But she asks, what are we supposed to be
looking for?

Something female.

Ladies hearing?

That should do it.

have been avoiding me, Claggy. You don't
answer me calls.

How long have you been in there?

Have you got food and water?

Suppose I didn't come to the bin.

You always come at this time.

Are you telling me that I'm a creature
of habit?

You can set your clock back.

Well, there you go.

People say it's amazing what you can
learn from the contents of your wheelie

bin.

Sorry I shouted at you, Travis.

Now come out.

You can talk indoors.

Do come out, Travis, before the word
gets round that I keep you in a shed.

Travis?

The Crowcroft Challenge?

We thought we'd give it a whack.

When he says we, of course it means he
thought he'd give it a whack. He opened

his big gob in the pub last night.

I had a little drink taken.

You should have shut me up.

I know that now, but at the time I was
as mellow as you were.

The Crowcroft Challenge.

To go from Morton to Taxley in a
straight line, as the crow flies, over

obstacles. Any proceeds to charity.

Often attempted but never successfully
completed since Squire Crowcroft first

issued the challenge in 1827.

Must have been a good year for idiots.

The general feeling is that one has to
be an idiot to even attempt it.

The last person to attempt it was a

Mr Marsden.

He collapsed with heat exhaustion and
was rushed to hospital.

Obviously a wimp. He should have stuck
to his needlework.

Sounds more you, needlework.

The secret's in the training.

Well, they say the costume is the real
burden.

Oh, the Crowcroft challenge.

I think it shows a wonderful spirit.

Not to mention lack of judgment.

Nobody's perfect.

You'll make a bog of it.

Well, yes, probably, but I suggest we
don't interfere.

Obviously, the secret is to pick the
best route, fewest obstacles.

So you are determined to interfere?

It should be good for a laugh.

But not for him.

No, not for him. I don't see why we
shouldn't enjoy it.

look familiar.

It's Alvin.

Ain't nobody here but us trolls.

Don't be shy. If you want to dress up in
feathers, I won't tell.

It's a challenge.

I can see where it would be, especially
on public transport.

Anyone left?

I thought you never asked.

I bet he's got lost.

He has a map.

Well, that's it then. Definitely lost.

He should never have been allowed to
wander off without being accompanied by

adult.

If only we knew one.

That is not something I would like to
see perched on my clothesline.

I suppose you can't grumble if it's for
charity.

Since when have you not been able to
grumble?

I like to keep in practice.

Are you sure you need the practice?

Why did Squire Crowcroft insist on this?

Oh, well, because clearly Squire
Crowcroft was a man of a humorous turn

who should have been strangled at birth.

Or even later.

Here, where's your map?

There's a pocket under the tank.

Well, you're on your own then. I'm not
fishing about under there.

It's at times like this...

You learn who your friends are.

You've got your key. Why are you
standing there?

Am I standing here?

Yes, I suppose, technically.

I'm standing here.

Come in before somebody thinks I'm
having strange gentleman callers. I can

that.

I can do strange gentleman caller. I can
do anything.

How about this for strange?

Stop that.

Before you say it like that, I'd have to
keep you in the cellar. I'm flying

high, babe. I'm not the cellar type.

Why did you ring the doorbell? It's a
day for bells.

Have you lost your key?

Key? It's the metal thing you open the
door with. I have keys.

I have keys for every occasion.

Today, I found the key to life.

To golf, actually, but for many of us,
it comes a close second.

What happened to golf that made it so
special?

I happened to golf.

I, me, Mr Perfect Swing, have found the
secret.

It's the elbow.

I'm very happy you've got a secret
elbow.

I was magnificent.

People who'd never spoke to me before
said hi.

That's it?

Hi? Duane Dobbs, who's reputed to be a
millionaire, called me Barry.

Wasn't he the one who went to prison?

Only a nice one.

And the captain... The captain nodded at
me.

Just nodded?

He didn't turn away muttering.

He didn't look at me as though he'd just
had to wipe me off his shoes.

He saw me.

And he nodded.

It's not like you're being blessed by
the Pope.

Close.

Are you sure competitors can pick their
own route and go absolutely anywhere?

Anywhere between Morton and Faxley.

Oh, that's my idea of a challenge.

I like the flexibility.

And we know why you like the
flexibility.

Here, now, you pick your own route, you
fix the compass bearing, and you follow

it without moving off it.

I can do that.

You never kept to a straight line in
your life.

I don't know why people say that.

You can't go round any obstacles.

You either go over or under or straight
through.

You keep to a straight line, exactly as
the crow flies.

I expect there are people who cheat.

They'll all be under the supervision of
an umpire.

You mean you have to have some busybody
with you? You mean people can't trust

the word of a gentleman?

Look at him.

Don't you just hate it when the crow
next door gets all gloomy?

Now, with regard to staff training...
How long have we had staff training?

You get him some now if you just shut up
a minute.

All businesses at the cutting edge of
modern retailing are required to set

time for staff training.

Can't we do it sitting down?

No, you can't do it sitting down.

Do you think Marks & Spencer's do it
sitting down?

Sitting down enough now you've got the
new vehicle.

New vehicle?

It's better than pushing a cart.

I was wondering if you had another crow
costume.

For you.

Oh, you'd need padding to be a
blackbird.

I'm only joking.

I'm sure we can transform you into an
acceptable crow.

And while I'm here, I might as well pick
up another one for a friend.

Guess who for?

What size?

Oh, I can't say really.

Not with any precision.

I don't know him all that well.

You might know.

Anything luthien is there.

I mean, I've warned him.

The first cat's going to have him.

I wish Travis would go luthier
occasionally.

Well, he must do sometimes, surely.

He once fell off a sideboard. That's
about as wild as it gets.

You've got a treasure there.

What was he doing on a sideboard?

I never asked.

If he wants to be on a sideboard, who am
I to interfere?

Didn't he leave marks on the sideboard?

He's very considerate.

I would never have allowed mine on the
sideboard.

Well, he was like Howard. He could
barely reach the sideboard.

Right, now, that's your bearing.

You stay on it at all times.

We'll go by road and meet you at point
B.

Where the heck's point B?

Which on the map, you marked it.

Oh, right. That point B.

I can see them in good hands. Don't get
your feathers in a fuss.

Right.

Off you go.

They're going to get lost.

We'll never see them again.

How can they get lost? They've got a map
and compass.

I just have this feeling two skeletons
somewhere on the moors.

I think he'd find his way to the nearest
pub blindfolded.

It's finding his way home again he's not
so good at. And if they don't go

missing, who's going to report it?

Can you imagine?

Somebody asking for a description.

Been celebrating.

Since last week, I guess.

It's better.

One safe on the road.

I think it's marvellous you got here so
quick.

Where do you live?

Where's home?

Home?

I demand a second opinion.

I am not going home in this condition.

My wife doesn't understand me.

I'm not surprised.

You talk like your jaw's been wired.

Yes, I noticed that. You don't think
it's fatal?

I think it's called being disgustingly
drunk.

Thank you.

That's relief.

Call me sentimental, but you run a very
fine taxi service.

The last

one was sick in car.

I'm not going through that again.

What are we going to do with him?

He's not safe on the road.

I suggest we throw him over the wall.

For his own good.

It was safe for him, Field.

Funny how life turns out.

They say at school, what do you want to
be?

I say multi -millionaire.

Maybe they had no vacancies.

You should have worn a tie.

I committed suicide on leaving school.

Well, almost.

I became a lino salesman, which is as
close as you can get without a gun or a

rope.

You didn't like lino?

How can you like lino?

It's cold.

It cracks.

It smells.

People used to put it in their
bathrooms, which were already the

on Earth.

That's why we never had fridges. The
English bathroom was just as good.

Could this be why people went to Africa,
India?

Oh, absolutely.

We had to colonize the world.

Cold lino was the driving force behind
it.

People would go anywhere to avoid it.

There they are.

I thought we were going by road.

You're getting the scenic route.

I demand a recount.

Hey, look.

OK. Forget recount.

What do you make of that, then?

They're not sparrows, that's for sure.

What is it?

Can anybody look?

If you're saying things like that, you
must be as drunk as I am.

Go and wait by the car.

You can't miss it.

It's got pleats all over it.

What do you think?

How do we get through this thing?

Well, uh, take a run and a jump.

Well, never clear that.

Have you tried?

Dress like this.

Why don't you try flapping wings?

Have you tried not flapping your lip?

I will say, if at first you don't
succeed, it's time to go home.

But that, of course, is the philosophy
of a lino salesman.

Did you ever sell much lino with that
philosophy?

Well, no, not really, no. My colleague
was often caught with his finger up his

nose. It kept the faithful at bay.

I think I knew him. Did he have big
nose?

Well, he was working on it.

Shall we get back to our problem here?

We could take these things off, crawl
through and put them back on.

Won't do.

Breach of rules.

We'll have to improvise.

to explain this one?

It'll have to be something creative.

How far have you got?

I'm gagged.

I like it so far.

Go on.

After a desperate struggle, we were
overcome.

We had them worried, though, didn't we?

They'll think twice about pinching our
police card again.

We're in some deep clag, aren't we?

It's not looking good, is it?

I remember the fuss they made when we
lost the door mirror.

One door mirror?

No!

We can't pack up at the first obstacle.

Works for me.

Of course you can't pack in.

Plan B.

Use your wings for balance.

Just be careful where you're shoving. At
this rate, I may never lay again.

Where's this pocket he's supposed to
have?

That's not a pocket. Stop talking about.

No, I seem to say I don't wish to be
widely known.

Bush, he's slipping back.

There's no brake pads on these feet.

There's shoulders behind him. And more
behind the shoulders.

I think I found pocket.

Wrong.

I'm hot, Glenda.

I'm like a fluid golfing machine.

I've got to use it while I've got it.

Are you always going to be leaving me
twice a day?

No.

No, it's just that today is special. The
captain nodded at me.

Stay home.

I'll nod at you.

Glenda, I am on the brink of greatness.

You're on the brink of a sharp reduction
in your quality of life.

Right, Ed, back it up. Come on. As you
go.

Right, as you go. Come on, that's it.
Wait, wait. Hold it. Oh, that's it.

Problem solved.

You climb onto the truck, on the planks,
and jump over the hedge.

Well, what of the other side?

Freedom.

You're back on target again.

This is not best for you, of course.

Just don't be looking for any more
pockets.

I think we were faster on the handcart.

I don't like racing about.

Well... We got the ideal vehicle for not
racing about.

Better than pushing.

Now what?

I don't know.

But I don't think it's a speeding
ticket.

Did you have a lady's coffee morning
when you lived away?

Oh, they were compulsory.

Coffee was all right, but the
preparation was tiring.

What did you have to prepare?

Your dialogue.

You were expected to be word perfect in
whatever it was you were going to swank

about. What happened if you didn't
bother preparing?

Then you were condemned just to listen
to what the others were swanking about.

I think I've been to one of those.

Not here, you haven't. No, not here.

It was the wife of a colleague of
Barry's.

Showing our holiday films.

Went on forever.

I think her tan had nearly worn off by
the time it was over.

They get tanned in places you never used
to see.

Oil and heat.

They look like roast potatoes.

Roast potatoes were a no -no where we
were.

The rule of thumb for healthy living
was, if it tastes good, it's going to

you.

I could kill him next door.

I think he's got a woman in.

He pulls your leg.

He was on his hands and knees with Truly
looking for an earring.

They're having you on.

I don't see why he should think I'm
interested in whether he has a woman in

not.

Is he a womanizer?

Well, aren't they all?

What about Norman Clegg?

All right, aren't they all except for
Norman Clegg?

Why, well, he wasn't a womanizer.

We don't have to look far to see what
put him off.

I thought I was saying golf is as big a
threat to a marriage.

Well, at least they have to keep score.

They'll soon learn how good they are at
it.

With women, even the worst players think
they're ready for turning pro.

Travis shows no signs of interest in
women or golf.

It's as though he's on any form of
medication.

Well, he takes an aspirin occasionally.

But I can't see that wiping out his
deepest instincts.

Perhaps he hasn't got any deepest
instincts.

They've all got deepest instincts.

What do you think the honeymoons are
for?

We've got the best part of a week to
cure them of any ambitions in that

I enjoyed my honeymoon.

I enjoyed mine.

It only rained one day.

OK.

Oh, hey.

face again.

Pull your visors down then.

I've never seen him before.

I don't know anybody who looks like
that.

I hope you're having more fun than

me, Barry.

I forgot the nuts.

Did you see that?

See what?

Two crows.

Crows? Carrying a tray of drinks.

Lager or bitter?

Hands up. Anyone see two crows carrying
a tray?

I think he needs a drink.

I'm giving it up.