Original subtitles

- * one, two, three, Four, five, six *

* shake it, dude

*

- * cue the pulse to begin

*

* cue the pulse to begin

* cue the pulse To begin *

* cue the pulse to begin

[both moaning]

- relax and count backwards From ten, mr. Kinney.

- [grunting]

- brian-- - don't say anything.

- look, I'm sure it's just A temporary malfunction.

It takes time for your body To heal itself

And for you to regain Your strength.

Be patient.

Everything will be up And running in no time.

- thanks for not Saying anything.

- I want to get Those cool pumas

And a pair of diesel jeans, Maybe two.

- hey, hey.

What do you think I am, Made of money?

- like, yeah.

You're having a movie made.

- we hope. And I didn't work my ass off

So I could put expensive jeans On yours.

- ben, I want to get A couple pairs of diesel jeans.

- pull up your pants. I can see your shorts.

- that's the fucking point.

- we're taking hunter To buy some new clothes.

- and have pizza and go To a movie.

- not a brett keller movie.

So tomorrow night? The mall? The three of us?

- uh, sure. Fine. [cell phone rings]

Ah, must be mark bluestein. He has the flu.

I said I'd cover his class.

Hello?

Hey.

Uh-huh.

Sure.

Uh, breakfast, lunch, Whatever.

Yeah, see you then.

- for somebody who's laid up With flu,

He has A pretty healthy appetite.

- oh, yeah, that wasn't mark.

It was anthony, From the library.

You remember, I told you about him?

- yeah, how could I forget? He only calls you every hour.

- [scoffs] That's not true.

- maybe he has a crush on you. - that's not true either.

He's just a nice kid Who wants to be a writer.

We get together And discuss books, that's all.

So tomorrow night.

Pizza, movie, And diesel jeans.

- tight.

- yeah, you mean, "Loose."

[both groaning]

- oh, touchdown!

[laughing]

My, how the boy can score.

- I got a good kicker.

- I'll say.

- that's a quarterback's Secret weapon.

- speaking of secrets...

Does your fiancee know?

- know what?

- that you're...Mm?

- that I'm--

- do I really have to say it?

That you're, uh, the "H" word.

- hard-bodied?

Hot? Hung?

Yeah, she knows all that.

- I meant, uh, homosexual.

Gay. Queer.

- hey, I'm not a fag.

- did I use that word?

- a fag is A sissy, girl, a pansy.

You think I'm that? - hardly.

- a fag can't even throw A ball.

Do you know how far I can throw?

- I reckon a country mile.

- I'm a hero to millions.

Name one fag who's a hero.

Name one fag who's got a call From the president

Saying, "Great game."

Name one fag that's fucked Every dallas cheerleader,

And I don't even play For dallas.

Name one fag every kid wants To grow up to be.

- harvey fierstein?

- so why would anyone think I was a fag?

- maybe because you had Your dick up my ass?

- so I like to fuck guys.

Doesn't mean that I love them Or want to kiss them

Or even know them.

This is just for fun. To get off.

And no one's to ever hear About this.

Understand?

- who'd believe me If I told them?

- next week, an enormous 250-foot mural of yours

Will be unveiled At penn plaza.

Tomorrow, an exhibition Of your drawings opens here,

At the sidney bloom gallery.

Tell me, mr. Auerbach,

Why did you choose pittsburgh?

- well, unless you're A pirates fan,

There's not a goddamn reason To come here.

Now there will be. - that's perfect.

- I've heard your ego Is as big as your mural.

- I hope I haven't let you down.

I mean...I hope This bagel-deprived burg

Feels the same way When they see my work.

- I think that's all we need. That's good.

That was great. Thank you.

- any time, honey.

How was I? - okay, I guess.

I wasn't really listening. I was working.

- I'm glad I didn't distract you.

- not at all.

- you know... [chuckles]

I have this strange feeling That I'm being...Ignored.

Strange, because, I mean, Let's--let's face it,

I'm not used to being ignored.

In fact, I think the last time It happened, I was 14.

Suzie schroeder was her name. - oh.

- she ditched me At a tastee freez

For a guy with a triple scoop.

Broke my heart.

- well, you needn't worry.

I haven't been To a tastee freez in years.

So why don't you go over And flirt

With that nice girl reporter And leave me to my work?

[phone rings]

- harvey, when have I ever Let you down?

- are you fucking kidding me?

- name one time. - the time I asked you

Out on a date, and you said, "Thanks, but no."

- okay, name a second.

- oh, jesus, brian, I was one Of your first clients.

Just because you're A big shot now...

[phone rings] - hold on.

Mr. Decarlo, Sorry to keep you.

- when is that campaign Gonna be ready?

- we're right on schedule.

- how does it look? - it looks great.

- I need it for The next stockholders' meeting.

- when? - friday, 3:00,

Or they'll have my balls. - hold on.

[beep]

Tell jacob that if the art For dandy lube

Isn't on my desk By 9:00 a.M. Friday,

He'll be teaching Remedial finger painting

To kindergartners.

Mr. Decarlo, how does 10:00 a.M. Friday sound?

- still have my balls.

[beep]

[phone rings]

- harvey, did you think Of a second?

- actually, no. - see? I told you.

- look, you owe me big, brian. I don't know what I'm supposed--

- now stop worrying, I'll get you the back cover.

- I'm counting on you, Hot shot.

- jeez, with an act like that, You should be in vegas

Making tigers vanish Into thin air.

- throw me a bone.

I'm trying to juggle 15 balls At once.

No remarks.

That's a nice suit.

- yeah? Worked wonders On son of dandy lube.

- you know, I like your newfound Self-confidence, theodore.

Far preferable To your former lack thereof.

- so what's my next assignment, Jim?

- congrats.

Brown athletics is committing A cool mil

To snag a model For their new underwear line.

- well, as luck would have it, I'm available.

- unfortunately, They're looking for someone

With a higher profile.

- not to mention A bigger basket.

- they want A famous sports figure.

- I happen to be Pittsburgh's 1986 junior class

Ping-pong champion.

Well, runner-up.

- so at what hour of the day Or night

Am I supposed to conduct This star search?

- I'll do it for you, bri.

- you? - yeah.

I landed dandy lube, Didn't I?

Look, I'll talk to some agents, A few managers,

See who's interested, Then put together a short list.

Final draft choice, Of course, is yours.

- yeah, that sounds perfect,

Except for One itty-bitty detail.

You don't know a fucking thing About sports.

- but I know about sex,

What looks good In a pair of shorts.

After all, I am a gay man,

And sex is Our national pastime.

- these drawings of rage And jt are hot.

Why can't we ever see zephyr In a fuck-fest

With some great-looking guy?

- because nobody buys our comics To see zephyr get laid.

- that is so not true

Just because you don't want To see it.

- it's not that I don't want To see it.

It's that I can't imagine it.

- well, I can.

When he and his hunky boyfriend,

The world-famous paleontologist,

Professor ken kirschner, Get it on,

They really rattle The old dinosaur bones.

Except ever since The scientific community

Rejected the professor's Latest research findings,

They haven't felt much like Doing it.

- I know what that's like.

Jt hasn't gotten a rise Out of rage

Since ice teena zapped him With her radiation gun.

- you mean--

- not since the operation.

- but I thought the doctor Said that...

- nothing would be affected?

Yeah, well, something Sure as hell isn't working.

- maybe he just needs Some viagra.

- you try telling him that.

- okay, so how about we take A little trip to chinatown?

- I already ate.

- I meant to see master nee.

- who's he?

- he's this herbalist Ben sees.

He says he's a miracle worker.

He gave him this stuff That actually helped

Lower his viral load.

- come on, you don't actually Believe that.

- chinese medicine's been Working for thousands of years.

Who am I to doubt it?

Besides, if he can help lower Ben's count,

Maybe he'll be able to raise...

- the titanic?

- I give them an assignment

To critique one Of tennessee williams' plays,

And what do they do?

They rip him to shreds, Like a pack of jackals.

- oh, you know How some queers are.

They're not content To criticize,

They have to seek and destroy.

- all I know is, it's a lot Harder to create something

Than it is to tear it apart.

- like your book.

That must've been Like giving birth.

- most people have no idea.

- I do.

Every sentence I write, Or try to, is agony.

I don't know why I do it.

- probably for the same reason I do,

You have no choice.

If you ever want me To read anything,

A story, Chapter, sentence...

Just ask. I promise to be gentle.

- I'm sure you would be.

So what do you think About edmund white?

- why, his essays and articles On being positive

Influenced me tremendously.

But I particularly love His autobiographical fiction.

In fact, a boy's own story

Inspired me to write r-u-1-2.

- then how about coming with me To his lecture tomorrow night?

I've got an extra ticket.

- you know, I...I would love to,

But, uh, I already made plans

With my partner And our foster son.

- that takes priority.

But in case something changes, I'll save you the seat.

- okay.

[moaning]

- honey? - hmm?

- that feels wonderful. - I'm glad.

- but--but do you mind if we...

- what?

- if we use this?

- glinda's magic wand?

We haven't used this since Dorothy went home to kansas.

- I just felt, I don't know, In the mood, I guess.

But if you don't want to--

- no, no, no, If it's what you want,

Then let's give it a whirl.

[buzzing]

- oh, god!

[moaning]

- there you go.

- thanks.

- take it easy, deb.

- yeah, you too, betty, honey. See you tomorrow.

- in case you didn't notice, I was in the diner.

- I noticed.

- walk you home?

- no, it's okay.

- it's late.

- I've been doing it on my own For 20 years.

I can take care of myself.

- and you've got a right hook To prove it.

[clears throat]

- you're working late.

- just got to get the job done.

- used to be the only reason You'd stay up

Was because it was still up.

- a lot of things "Used to be."

- you're telling me.

- I shouldn't have said What I did about vic.

- you're damn straight You shouldn't have.

Not that you were wrong.

He was lucky He got those extra years.

But it's the way you said it.

Just tossing it off Like it didn't mean a thing,

Like his whole fucking life Didn't mean a thing.

- I see your point.

- yeah, so why didn't you See it then?

- maybe because I didn't know That I had cancer then.

- what?

- are you going to make me Say it twice?

- I just want to be sure That I heard--

- you heard it.

- shit.

Are you okay? - all right?

They think.

But who the hell knows?

- well, then what the fuck Are you doing

Out at 2:00 In the morning?

You should be home getting Your rest, honey.

- I can't sleep. I keep having these dreams.

- well, force yourself.

And make sure you eat, You hear me?

You got to keep Your strength up.

- yes, mother.

- does she know?

- so far, Just michael and justin.

And...Theodore.

- and nobody told me?

- I'm telling you.

- how come?

- so that you'll forgive me And take pity on me.

- son of a bitch.

You're going to be okay, You hear me?

You're going to be okay.

- hey, I'm making a list For the grocery.

Tide, butter, oatmeal.

Can you think Of anything else?

- batteries. - huh?

- after last night, Glinda's magic wand's

Going to need recharging.

- oh. - you were wild, honey.

- [chuckles] Mel.

- don't be embarrassed.

It was hot to see you So turned on.

- okay, we're out of fruit.

Pears, apples.

Should I get more bananas?

I mean...

- I would say so. - yeah.

- by the way, I talked to dusty,

And she said that we Can drop gus off around 4:00,

Which gives us plenty of time To get ready

And go to the opening.

- cranapple juice...

- do you want to go together,

Or do you Have to get there early?

- I don't need to be there At all.

- oh, so you can be a guest Just like anyone else?

- I mean, I've decided not to go.

- what are you talking about? It's your show.

You put the whole thing Together.

- I know.

- well, So wouldn't you want to--

- I've spent enough time On it already, okay?

It's time I started Being more attentive to you,

To our family.

Michael even had to go To lamaze for me.

- hey, hey, hey, when I Feel like I'm not getting

Enough attention, I'll let you know.

Now, I want you to go And get some of the attention

You deserve.

- well, maybe I'll stop by Later, when it's over,

See how it went.

Now...

I'm off to the grocery.

[indistinct chatter]

- since when did ted schmidt,

Reigning opera queen Of pittsburgh,

Trade in puccini For pigskin?

- since I told brian I'd help Him find a famous sports figure

To model brown athletics' New underwear line.

- mmm, sounds hot.

So, uh, which hunky jock Did you select

To drop trou and smile For the birdie?

- I don't know Who any of these guys are.

- oh, perhaps I can help you out.

- you? [scoffs]

Look, at least I know The difference

Between a football, A baseball, and a basketball.

- balls are balls.

What about him?

- who? - drew boyd.

Star quarterback For the ironmen.

[chuckles] 62% pass completions.

Threw two touchdown passes Last game and ran for two.

Led all quarterbacks In the league in rushing yards.

I mean, if he keeps playing The way he's been,

He's a cinch To lead his team

To a conference championship,

Then to the super bowl.

What?

- how do you know all that?

- hmm, well, Life's full of surprises.

- [laughs]

- he's also gorgeous.

Look at that smile

And those broad shoulders

And those burly, burly arms.

[chuckles] And that rock-hard butt.

- all right, all right, All right, all right.

You're drooling All over the magazine.

Well, he is hot.

Mm, too bad he's straight. - mm.

A girl can always dream.

[asian music]

*

- excuse me.

Uh, we're looking For something to...

Improve performance.

- you a singer?

Dancer?

Comedian?

- uh, no, Not that kind of performance.

Um, uh...

Sexual performance.

- huh?

- sexual performance.

- sexual?

Sexual?

[speaking native language]

- ah, sexual.

[speaking native language]

- oh! You not get hard?

Come too fast?

- uh, no, it's not for me.

It's for my friend.

- oh, it's what they all say, Huh?

- weak pulse.

- ah, low chi.

Exhausted chang meridian.

- you have decline of fire In your gate of life,

But no worry.

We make you hard, like rock.

- look, I--I told you, it's-- It's for someone else.

- it's for my boyfriend.

He had to have A testicle removed,

And they gave him radiation.

- oh, cancer, huh?

[speaking native language]

- western medicine.

Kill you before it cure you.

Too much water, Drown out his fire.

- mm.

- velvet deer horn,

Cinnamon bark.

Warm kidneys.

Morinda root... - mm-hmm.

- chinese leek seed.

Strengthen yang.

- the rehmannia root Nourish blood,

And, uh, yeah, cornus flower Moistens yin, huh?

- make a tea. Plenty good sex.

- see? I told you.

[both speaking native language]

[both laugh]

[tv on the radio's satellite]

[moaning]

- * your voice

* was a satellite

* spinning next to me

* now I can't hear

* over the radio

* someone said

* satellite just went down

* under the sea

* so I go

* I fathom leagues

* I am the undertow

* I wait peacefully

* so now I'm waiting For a signal or a sound *

* where can you be found now?

* where can you be found now, My love? *

* where can you be?

* waiting for a signal Or a sound *

* I'm waiting for a signal Or a sound *

* where can you be found now?

* where can you be found now, My love? *

* where can you be?

* waiting for a signal Or a sound *

- [exhales]

- * was that burning eye

* went weeping gamma rays

- [sighs]

Your turn.

- I'm in no hurry.

Did anyone ever tell you How hot you look in your undies?

- about 300 women.

- how many men?

- [laughs]

- it's a shame the rest Of the world can't see.

- see what?

- how gorgeous you are.

- cut it out. - I'm serious.

You should display Your manly charms.

- flash my cock in playgirl?

- I was thinking more like, Hmm, underwear ad.

- [chuckles]

You're kidding.

- I have this friend who, uh, Works for an ad agency,

Says brown athletics

Is looking For a famous sports figure

To be Their new underwear model.

And you... Have quite the figure.

- I'm not posing in my shorts.

Everyone will think I'm a homo.

- what everyone will think is,

"I wish I had a body like that And that someone would pay me

All that money To show it off."

Come on.

Why don't you pose?

- here? - why not?

I'll snap your picture. - [laughs]

- come on.

Give it up. Show me what you got.

Oh-ho, yeah.

That's it, yeah.

That's the ticket.

Hooo! Ho, ho, ho, yeah!

Give me some of that trademark Drew boyd action.

Make love to the camera.

Yeah, that's the way.

Make me want To suck your dick.

- would you stop nagging me Already?

I'm not going to pay $150 For a pair of jeans.

- diesel's quality, man. - they're ripped full of holes.

They're going to be rags After two washings.

- please, dad? I mean, dude.

- there you are.

Hurry up and put down Your books,

We got to go to the mall.

- you know, uh...

If it's okay with you, Uh, I think I'll pass.

- no, it's not okay. We had this planned.

- trashy movie, greasy pizza, Overpriced clothes.

What more can a man Ask for?

- I-I got invited To a lecture.

Edmund white. - who?

- one of our greatest Gay writers.

- who invited you?

- anthony.

- anthony.

- look, This is important to me.

- and this is important To hunter.

- it doesn't take two of us To buy him a pair of jeans.

- that's not the point.

- hey, hey! It's just the mall.

In fact, How about you both not go

And give me Your credit card?

- thank you For the thoughtful suggestion,

But, uh, I'm still going.

I'm sorry you're not.

- I'm sorry I'm late, sidney, But it couldn't be helped.

Gus got a fever. Mel had to work late.

My hands were full.

- so were mine,

Accepting checks, Visa, or mastercard.

- then it was a success? - awesome.

It's too bad you missed it.

- why don't you go home? I'll close up.

- don't forget to turn on The alarm.

- all right.

- shall we go for a drink? - absolutely.

- how about jerry? - that's a great idea.

[door closes]

- [gasps] Oh, my god!

You scared me to death.

- good thing I came back From the can.

You would have locked me in.

- what are you doing here?

- well, I had an opening Tonight, in case you forgot.

- I didn't forget.

- then where the hell were you?

- I had things to attend to.

- don't give me that shit.

This was the most important Night of your life.

- oh, don't flatter yourself.

- your aunt minnie Could've died,

And you wouldn't Have missed it.

- I don't have an aunt minnie.

- yeah, well, I do, And believe me,

If you knew her, It's all the more reason

You would have been here.

So why weren't you? - I already told you.

Now let me lock up, So I can go home.

- what's your rush?

You just got here. - what are you doing?

- responding to my senses. It's what an artist does.

- well, tell your senses To respond to this:

Back off.

- you sure?

- yes, I'm sure. - well, I'm not.

As a matter of fact, I think you've got a lot

Of contradictory feelings Going on here.

- oh, is that so? - yeah.

I knew from the minute I met you,

You wanted me to fuck you.

- why, you smug, arrogant--

I want you to leave. Now!

- sure.

But you ain't fooling me, Lady.

More important, you ain't Fooling yourself either.

- don't you dare tell me How I feel.

You have no idea how I feel. - yeah.

- and it isn't true What you said.

- liar, liar.

- I have no feelings for you.

I mean, how could I? I'm a lesbian.

- that's how.

[both moaning]

- oh, god.

- oh, god.

[both gasping, grunting]

Oh, my god!

- he was amazing.

And to think, I never would've heard of him

If it hadn't been For your class.

- oh, I'm sure you would've Discovered his work eventually.

- I thought the part Where he talked about...

How being positive Changed his life

Was particularly powerful, Didn't you?

- hmm. Oh, I'd better not.

- aw, come on.

Got to help me finish The bottle.

- [sighs]

You know, what constantly Impresses and amazes me,

How when confronted With the worst of circumstances,

We, as gay men, somehow manage To rise to the challenge.

- like edmund white. - mm-hmm.

- like you.

- anthony...

If this is where all this Has been leading,

You've made a mistake.

- I don't think so.

- I have a partner. We have a foster kid.

- I know, And I'm not asking

For anything I can't have.

All I want...

Is this.

From the moment I saw you,

I fantasized about you...

Admired you...

Wanted to be like you.

That's why I want you To give me the gift.

- what?

- I want you to be the one.

- anthony-- - make me positive...

Like you.

- what are you--stop it!

- it's going to happen anyway.

It's just a matter of time Before it does.

- not if you're safe.

- why be safe?

All my friends who've converted Say they feel liberated.

Free.

They don't have to worry About it anymore.

It's over. Done.

I want to be like them...

Like you.

- it's late.

I have to get home.

[door opens, closes]

- here.

[groans] Drink this.

- it smells like yak shit.

- yeah, I wouldn't be surprised If that was in it too.

It's a magic potion From a chinese herbalist.

- will it make me small?

- I'm hoping...

That it will make you large.

Very, very large.

- [groans]

That's disgusting.

- who cares? As long as it works.

- [sighs]

- you feeling anything?

- well, if you're expecting My glasses to steam up,

I hate to disappoint you.

- it's supposed to rekindle The fire in your life gate.

- [scoffs] My life gate?

- I know It sounds ludicrous, but...

If it works, Who gives a shit?

- yeah, well, Maybe it can also stop me

From thinking About what's no longer there,

And that in its place Is this piece of plastic.

Or from picturing them Sucking a bloody,

Disease-ridden ball Out of me.

Or from feeling so shitty

From having them Burn me to a crisp

With their ray gun That all I want to do

Is dig a hole and crawl in,

Only I'm too busy vomiting.

Who knows?

Maybe then I might even Be able to get it up.

- there's got to be something.

- whatever it is, It's not a cup of lipton's.

- [sighs]

- you're all wet.

How was the opening?

- it was practically sold out.

- oh, that's great.

Congratulations.

- thanks.

- aren't you glad I made you go?

- as you know, I don't come here A hell of a lot.

I figure you got enough On your hands

Without hearing from me.

But, um, this is important.

It's about my brother, vic. Vic grassi.

He's gay, which seems to, um, Bother some of the people

You got working for you.

But I say-- [scoffs]

Considering what's been going On in your church lately,

They got some hell of a nerve Judging others.

I'm sure you have more love In your heart than they do...

And that there's A special place in heaven

Just for vic.

But, uh...

Keep an eye on him, Just in case.

One more thing.

Brian kinney.

No doubt You've heard of him.

He wouldn't like me Telling you this, but...

The biggest organ He's got is his heart.

So please, god...

Make him well.

Please.

Well...

I guess that's about it.

Thanks for listening.

Amen.

Joan?

It's debbie.

Debbie novotny.

- hello, debbie.

I'm... Surprised to see you here.

- well, as I was just saying, I don't stop by too often.

But when the going Gets tough,

I still haul my ass Back here,

You know, like A good little catholic girl.

- well, that's the blessing Of suffering.

It brings us closer to god.

- well, that's one way Of looking at it.

Another way is to say to him,

"Could you cut it out already?"

- I heard About your brother's passing.

Please accept my condolences.

- thanks.

- I remember When I lost my sister.

I felt like I had...

Lost my best friend, My confidante...

[chuckles]

My witness.

- that about sums it up.

- well, at least we have Our children.

That's some comfort.

Provided they're talking To you.

Well... [clears throat]

God bless.

- joan.

When's the last time You spoke to brian?

- it's...Been a while.

- well, you might want To give him a call.

- [scoffs] I doubt he has Anything to say to me.

- well, there might be something You want to say to him.

[beep]

- I got him.

- got who? - drew boyd.

He's agreed to be The new underwear model

For brown athletics.

- that's wonderful, teddy.

- [laughs] It's beyond wonderful.

It's incredible. It's astonishing.

It's...Unbelievable.

- it's not that unbelievable.

After all, they are paying him A million dollars.

- how do you know that?

- uh, well, they are, Aren't they?

- yeah, but-- - why are you so amazed?

- never mind.

- you know, I-I absolutely hate When you do that.

- do what?

- start to say something And then say, "Never mind."

Then I have to spend The next ten minutes

Begging you to tell me What it is.

- I never knew It irritated you that much.

Why didn't you tell me? - well, what good would it do?

You'd just get hurt and sulk. - I would not sulk.

- and then I'd have to spend Another ten minutes

Convincing you That I love you

And begging you to forgive me, Which you finally would.

So will you please just tell me What the fuck it is,

So we don't have to go through The entire song and dance?

- I forgot what it is I wasn't going to tell you.

- you weren't going to tell me Why it is so unbelievable

That drewsie-- D-drew boyd said yes.

- uh, right.

Because I was sure That he would say no.

That he would Turn me down flat,

And then I'd have To face brian's wrath

For being A wretched failure.

- but that's not what happened. He said yes.

- and it's all because of you.

- me? Wh--

- well, you're the one Who suggested him, aren't you?

- oh, yeah, hmm, I suppose I did.

- although...

I must've been Pretty damn impressive

To convince a big-time jock Like drew boyd

To stand around In his shorts.

Huh.

- there you go.

Professor bruckner. - I'd like to check these out.

- certainly. - anthony--

- I'm sorry About last night, ben.

I didn't mean to put you In an awkward situation.

- it wasn't so much awkward As it was upsetting

To learn That what you really wanted

Was for me to give you "The gift."

- you were and still are My inspiration.

- then listen to me.

You have no idea what It's really like to be positive.

No book, no lecture Could ever describe that.

So please believe me when I tell you you don't want it.

You don't. It's not what you think.

- well, thanks for trying To talk me out of it,

But it's too late.

You see, I went To a party last night.

- what kind of party?

- it's called A conversion party.

I had unprotected sex With a dozen or so guys.

It's not the way I would've preferred it,

But hopefully, It worked.

- oh, anthony, For god's sake...

- they said I should know In a couple of weeks.

The same time these books Are due back.

- hey.

- your new office Is very impressive.

And I like the name, Kinnetik with two "N"S.

That's very clever.

I'm glad to see You're doing so well.

- well, that makes two of us.

- I saw that...

Debbie novotny In church this morning.

- well, what the hell Was she doing there?

- what most people do, Pray.

[chuckles] She's quite a character.

- yeah, well, I'll drink to that.

- I don't know How her poor son ever survived.

- maybe because she loved him.

- and I love you.

Well, you may not believe that, But it's true.

That's why it hurt so much That I had to hear it from her

And not from you.

Why didn't you tell me?

- the reason being?

- so I could help you.

- well, I'm a big boy, mom. I can dress myself.

- I meant pray for you. Help you to see god's plan.

- [chuckles] God has a plan?

- he spared you for a reason. Do you know why?

- to torment you.

I mean, no martyr Was ever sainted

Without going through a shitload Of pain and suffering.

Well, saint joan, Say hello to your shitload.

- brian.

Whatever anger, Whatever hatred you have for me,

You're still my son,

And that's why I'm trying To save you

From the eternal fire.

Every time you engage In behavior

That the bible expressedly says Is an abomination,

You're adding another eternity To your sentence.

- well, I wish I was engaging in it.

- it brings tears To jesus' eyes,

Knowing that you've sinned.

But only you can save yourself From god's punishment.

- you think god gave me cancer To punish me?

- it's not too late.

You can still change.

I know you can.

- I can?

- though it won't be easy.

You'll have To fight temptation.

Be strong. Harden yourself.

- I want to be hard, mom.

You have no idea How much I want to be hard.

Oh, lord, make me hard,

So that I can fuck Every hot guy I see!

That's why god Gave me a second chance, mom,

So that I can use The one ball I have left.

- shame!

Shame on you!

- and if I have to spend

An eternity of eternities Burning in hell,

It's better Than spending one good day

In heaven with you!

[sighs]

Thank you.

- so in this dream, There's this gigantic billboard

Of you, times square, Like, 40 stories high,

In your underwear.

- my agent Said it'd be great exposure.

- [chuckles]

Anyway, you know I have this, um,

Little eccentricity About size,

And your crotch Goes from, like,

The 16th to the 23rd floor.

So I get on this scaffolding That conveniently happens

To be there, Pull myself up,

And the amazing thing is, The billboard comes to life.

So I leap out onto your shorts, Pull them down,

And you have This humongous boner

That extends halfway Across times square.

So I climb out onto it To give you a blow job,

And I'm hanging off it-- Ahhh--doing my thing,

When suddenly, You shoot.

Okay, it is like This exploding cascade,

And I ride it...

And land, safely,

In front Of the winter garden theatre,

Where mamma mia! Is playing.

[chuckles]

- you're a very weird guy.

- you know what I think it means?

For one thing, you're A bigger-than-life person.

- got it.

- and I guess I'm afraid that...

Once the rest of the world Sees you,

I'll be just another face In the crowd.

What'd you do that for?

- 'cause I wanted to.

[in your presence playing]

- * in your presence

* there is life

- hey!

Mm!

What's up?

- it's funny you should ask.

- whoa!

- is that a thing of beauty?

- [grunts] And a joy forever.

*

[moaning]

*

So that happy-time tea Actually worked?

- mmm, unlikely.

- then whence the woody?

- let's just say that god Gave me a second chance.

I don't want to blow it.

But... You feel free to.

- * in your presence

* there is life

- well?

- you sure you want my opinion After the last time?

- yeah, I wouldn't Have asked you to read it

If I didn't.

- okay, um...

My honest opinion is...

It's brilliant.

I mean it. - [exhales]

- at first, I was shocked And even disgusted

That anyone would Actually want to be positive.

But somehow, by the end,

I-I really felt sorry For the guy...

That he could be That lost...

And alone.

And it takes A pretty amazing writer...

To be able To pull that off.

- [chuckles]

So how was the trip To the mall?

[both chuckling]

- I splurged. I bought hunter his jeans.

- [groans]

- and he got us something, A cd.

- uh, not some rap crap.

- now, now, dear.

Mustn't criticize The younger generation's music.

- [scoffs] Yeah.

[keep the flame playing]

*

[laughs]

Oh, my--

Not bad.

- come on, you big lug, Waltz me around the room.

- hmm.

*

- * I just can't tell myself Not to love you *

- [laughing]

- * any more than I can stop My beating heart *

* every moment I'm awake

* I'm thinking of you

* and hoping That we'll never be apart *

*

* I could say, Time to give up this fight *

* surrender To what's gonna be *

- you know what part Of your story I liked best?

- hmm?

What?

- the part Where the gift-giver

Decides not to sleep With the bug-chaser...

And goes back To his partner.

- * and so I keep the faith To believe love can be true *

* we may try to run away, But there's nothing we can do *

* if it's meant to be

* then there's Only me and you *

*

* I'll always keep the flame

* hoping you feel the same

* when I whisper your name

* it's because I'm thinking of you *

*

* baby, my love is pure

* I've never been more sure

*

* without shame

* I now proclaim

* I will always

* always keep the flame

*

* so many are doubtful And despairing *

* making fun of those Who dare to dream *

*

* they say they're past The point of ever caring *

*

* but I know it's Not as dark as it may seem *

* at the moment Trouble tries to find us *

* and we brace Against the fiercest storm *

*

* it only takes A tiny spark of kindness *

* to start a blazing fire To keep us warm *

* I'll always keep the flame

* hoping you feel the same

*

* when I whisper your name