Original subtitles

- * one, two, three, four

* five, six, shake it, dude

*

* cue the pulse to begin

* cue the pulse to begin

* cue the pulse to begin

* cue the pulse to begin

- not that wall. It's not dry yet.

- the last time I was here, It was no-towels night.

- yeah, 100 guys Must've touched my stiffie.

- mr. Popular.

And I'm the only one You fucked.

- lucky you. It's nice work, tommy.

- thanks, mr. Kinney.

- leave it to you To turn a bathhouse

Into the worldwide headquarters Of kinnetik, inc.

[chuckles] The old steam room.

It's the first place We ever fucked in public.

- [chuckles]

There's nothing like performing In front of a live audience.

- who said some of those guys Were alive?

- the art department Wants to know

If you've seen the mock-ups.

Hi, justin. - hey, cynthia.

- yeah, can you tell manny To use a 300 dpi tiff,

And shoot it back to me For my approval, fast.

Deadline's at 6:00.

- also, brown athletics called, Asked to meet.

Said they hate what vangard did With their new campaign.

- yeah, I wonder why.

Um, tell them I'm in meetings And I'll call them tomorrow.

Okay, let 'em squirm. - oh, and

Your accountant Left a message:

"The check for the endovir ad Will definitely

"Be wired to heat magazine

By the end of business day Tomorrow."

- damn well better be.

Our lives Are depending on it.

Well, move.

- god. I love my job.

- and I love it When you get bossy.

- well, what do you say We christen my new office?

I have 15 minutes

Before I have to approve Ad copy.

- always the romantic.

But I have a strategy meeting With the posse.

- "In a brief paragraph,

Explain why you want to be Foster parents."

Sounds like an assignment For you, professor.

- how about, "We want to give a child

"The love and support He needs

"To help him fulfill His dreams

And achieve his goals."

- I happen to be eating.

Don't make me puke.

- hey, it may not win A pulitzer prize,

But I think it says it all.

- holy shit. Look at this.

It says, "Social services May drop by for a visit

At any time, unannounced."

- what if they do? We have nothing to hide.

- except for that Double-headed dildo.

- hey!

Any dildo we might Have is hidden away

Where no one can find it.

- yeah, I'll bet.

- listen, smart-ass, From now on,

There will be no more Lewd comments,

There will be no more Sexual innuendo.

- so much for conversation.

- hello, men,

And little men.

- you look exhausted.

- you out clubbing all night?

- well, ever since I moved in With my favorite lesbians,

I'm trying to be A model house guest.

Trouble is,

I have no place To entertain.

- doorways are always good.

So are back alleys, Under parked trucks.

I used to fuck for a living, Remember?

- right. Well,

Expert professional tips Always welcome.

However, uh, we elected To try the cemetery.

Didn't we, gordon? - jordan.

- jordan.

It's actually kind of erotic,

In a creepy, macabre Sort of way.

- here's your laundry, boys.

Now I'm not naming any names,

But I had a hell of a time Getting the skid marks

Out of a pair of size 28 Tighty whities.

- christ!

- ma, I told you, You didn't have to do this.

- I know I didn't Have to do it.

I wanted to do it.

Just like I wanted To make you dinner.

- the last three nights.

- and grout your tiles.

- took you two days.

- you got a problem with that, Do you, ben?

- no, debbie. No problem at all.

We love having you around. - good.

'cause I love being With my boys.

Say, em, honey?

Wanna take those off?

I can wash those grass stains Out in a jiff.

- block your body With your forearm.

Then execute a jab,

Right-left hook combination Like this.

Now you try it.

- [grunting]

- not bad.

Now, if you want to really take Down the motherfucker,

Grab him like this,

Choke the shit out of him,

Then kick him in the balls.

Okay, who's next?

- I thought we're supposed to be Protecting people.

- not training to be an elite Killing squad.

- we need to be able to stop Trouble before it starts.

- find them Before they find us.

- I'm not going out Picking fights.

- that's not what I signed up to do.

- this is fucked.

- what's fucked Is waiting around

For someone else To get bashed.

We need to stand up to them,

Show that we're not afraid.

- show 'em yourself.

- well, cody's right.

We can't sit around and wait For something to happen.

If we want to be effective, We have to take the initiative.

- fucking pussies!

Let 'em go.

Who needs them anyway?

Come on.

- how old is gus now?

- about three. - wow.

- oh. Same age as jared

When the courts gave him back To my ex-husband.

Damn.

Hey, we're supposed to be Having fun.

- it's all right, honey.

God, I hate women who cry, Don't you?

- I'd cry too, if someone Took gus away.

There have been a lot Of changes in the law

Since that decision.

- yeah, not to mention The world.

- it also doesn't hurt That the judge who's

Hearing your appeal has A gay-friendly track record.

- and that you have A brilliant lawyer.

- you don't have to tell us.

- I don't know what we would've Done without you.

- lamb's ready, So let's eat.

[overlapping chatter]

- I thought the gay gene Provided us all

With an innate ability To redecorate, accessorize,

And arrange flowers.

- I think mine's recessive.

- oh, allow me.

All right. This...

Goes here.

- yours is obviously dominant.

- there.

So, what is with the sudden Urge to beautify?

- I just thought the place Could use a little sprucing up.

- michael, it said The social worker may,

Repeat, may, show up.

- who said I'm doing it Because of that?

All right, I am doing it Because of that.

But like mel said,

Gay parents have to be better Than straight parents.

- well, I think that Your worry, concern,

And obsessive- Compulsiveness...

Are totally neurotic...

And adorable.

I say let's just Be ourselves.

That's good enough.

[door opens]

- careful.

You want the social worker To come in here

And see two homos kissing?

- would you put on Some clothes?

And use a glass?

- dude, you need To take a chill pill.

- I just fluffed Those pillows.

[knock at door]

- oh, fuck. Get your feet off the couch.

Go and get dressed, now.

- uh, everything looks great.

Now just calm down.

Hysteria isn't going to help.

- it's cannelloni night!

I used to make it For vic and rodney.

And now you guys Are the lucky recipients.

- ma. - [chuckles]

Wanna warm this up?

- uh, debbie, I've already made dinner.

It's soy loaf

With, uh, mashed turnips And carrot coulis.

- uh-huh.

So you wanna warm this up?

- ma, please, not tonight.

- why not tonight?

- I thought you were The social worker.

- honey, I'm the social director.

So come on in And sit down.

[sneezes]

Get these fucking flowers Out of here.

Sit down.

[slow music]

*

- tonight it's your turn.

- [chuckles]

That's what you think.

[grunts]

- okay.

I'll tell you what. We'll fight for it.

Come on.

- would you please get your ass Back into bed?

- why don't you get yours out?

What's the matter? Are you scared?

- yeah, I'm incapacitated With fear.

- then what are you waiting for?

- [groans]

- hmm. Oh, yeah.

Where'd you learn to fight?

- cody taught me. - really?

- uh-huh. - huh-hah.

- the other night, I even Took out a straight guy.

- I dated a couple Of those myself.

- [chuckles]

- hey! Watch the face, asshole.

- come on, old man.

- what'd you call me?

- you heard me, geezer.

- uh-huh.

[both grunt]

- ow.

[sniffles]

- careful, sonny.

You might get hurt.

- [grunts] I don't care if I get hurt,

As long as I hurt them more.

They're not all assholes.

That's a laugh, Coming from you.

You're the biggest fucking Heterophobe of all time.

[both grunting]

You always said There's only two kinds

Of straight people In the world:

The ones who hate you To your face,

And the kind that hate you Behind your back.

And you know what? - what?

- you're right. - [grunts]

- I know. I promised I'd cut back.

- did I say anything?

- you don't have to. I'll stop.

- I feel so sorry For jeanette.

All I could think of was,

"Thank god it's not us."

And, how lucky they are

To have you As their champion.

In fact, michael and justin Should create

A superwoman character Based on you.

- dyno-dyke? - not bad.

- unfortunately, this case Doesn't require superpowers,

Just long, hard hours.

- I wish I could help.

- you already have.

More than you know.

- [yawns] - oh, god.

Guess I need to brush up On my romantic superpowers.

- no, no, no. It's not you.

Oh, it's late.

- why don't you Go back to bed?

- you really think you can Overturn the verdict,

Get jeanette's son back?

- our research is thorough,

Our arguments sound.

If not, then,

They're going to have One angry,

Pregnant lesbian to deal with.

- go, dyno-dyke.

- well, first we tried The liberty baths.

And somehow, The filthy mattress,

The aroma of stale poppers

And stepping into puddles Of cold cum didn't exactly

Move me to hum "Isn't it romantic."

Then we tried the gravel pit.

How dante managed to overlook It, I'll never know.

So finally, he went home To his mother,

And I went home To mel and linz.

- it may be time To get your own place.

- well, it's a thought.

There are definite advantages

To living with lesbians, However.

- I'm waiting.

- the sheets are clean, And the mattress is firm...

Very firm.

And, uh, you're never tempted To overeat at meals.

And best of all, There's oodles of room

In the medicine cabinet For my cosmetics.

[bell dings]

- well, sounds like A little corner of heaven.

- do you have any idea How hard it is

To find quail eggs In this burg?

I've been to three markets.

- well, we'll just Use chicken eggs.

As long as they don't hatch, Who'll know the difference?

[phone ringing]

- mmm. Why, mrs. Henderson,

I'm collecting quail eggs As we speak.

Mm-hmm.

- the hostess With the mostest.

- don't you worry about that.

Everything's going to be fine. Just leave it to me.

- you're looking great, Uncle vic.

- must be That anti-aging cream.

Couple of years, I'll be ready for high school.

- no, I was referring To an inner glow.

- oh, michael, To finally be alone,

With a man you love. [sighs]

What am I telling you for? You know.

- yeah, I know.

To finally be alone, With the man you love

And the mother you love.

- oh, no. She's not-- - I didn't realize

What a tremendous debt I owe you

For taking a bullet For me all these years.

- if only I'd known, I never would have left.

- no, you did the right thing.

This is not your problem. It's mine.

She's my mother,

And I just need To explain to her

That as much as I love her,

There have to be boundaries.

- you're going to need more

Than boundaries With your mother.

You're going to need A border patrol.

- ever read this?

- when I was nine.

- you ought to try it again.

Especially the part where Huck frees jim from slavery.

He knows he's going against Everything

That society and religion Have taught him,

That he'll be condemned To hell.

But he doesn't care.

You're going to bail too?

- no, fuck, no.

It's just that maybe

We went too far The other night.

- that guy was A raging asshole.

He deserved to get the shit Beat out of him.

- yeah, I know.

But when I told brian, He kind of--

- what the fuck are you Telling other people for?

Posse business Stays between us.

- come on, He's my boyfriend.

And he thinks what We're doing is crazy.

- crazy?

You want to see crazy?

- a man who lies with a man

Will burn in hell.

"Thou shalt not lie With mankind,

"As with womankind. It is...

An abomination."

Leviticus, chapter 18, Verse 22.

I didn't make this up, folks.

This is god's holy word.

And if you are here tonight,

Guilty of the sin Of homosexuality,

Then you are on that broad And winding road

That leads To eternal damnation.

All: amen!

- praise the lord.

- amen.

- does this go on Every night?

- just wednesday and sunday.

It's his favorite subject.

- I can't believe You even come here.

- "Know thine enemy."

- is that in the bible?

- it's in the front of mine.

- [shushes]

- because jesus loves you, My children.

And jesus can change you. - oh yes, he can.

- it's all right here, In god's holy word.

All: praise jesus.

- so wonderful to see you.

- your sermon was An inspiration, pastor.

- give god the glory.

He spoke right through me Tonight.

It was so good To have you young men

In our service tonight.

- it was very inspiring.

- give god the glory.

- mind if I ask you a question, Pastor?

- please.

- this book, you have To believe all of it,

Not just some of it, right? - that's right.

- so do you like shrimp?

- well, as a matter of fact, I do.

- because in leviticus,

A few scriptures Before that

"Man lying with man Is an abomination" one,

It also says it's an Abomination to eat shellfish.

And shrimp Are shellfish, right?

- what's your point, Young man?

- I believe the point is, If you can eat shrimp,

We can eat cock.

- son, you need the lord.

You need to accept jesus.

- oh, I accept jesus.

It's assholes like you I have a problem with.

[pats back]

- I want the full color comps On my desk

First thing in the morning,

And set up a conference call With remson for 10:00

So that he can sign off.

When it's your own business,

The sign on the door says "We never close."

Come to think of it, That's what it used to say

On the old bathhouse door.

It's your shot.

- mmm.

- [chuckles] - shit.

- off your game?

- waiting for the social worker To arrive is making me nuts.

- you have nothing To worry about.

You and the professor are

The world's greatest Foster parents.

- thanks, brian.

- besides, who else would want The little fucker?

- michael, brian,

I'd like you to meet kent.

- trent. - uh, trent.

Would you, um, Mind excusing us

For just a nanosecond While I talk with brian?

- sure.

- brian,

Um, I'm kind of in a spot.

See, uh, trent--uh, kent,

Is this, um, this really Interesting person.

Very deep.

- [chuckles] I bet.

- and, uh, I can't take him back To mel and linz's.

Wouldn't be kosher.

- guess you'll have to dip The dill somewhere else.

- so I was, um, wondering--

And I know this Is a really huge favor

For which I'd be Eternally grateful,

If, uh, I could Use your place,

Just for an hour?

Half an hour?

Ten minutes, tops?

No? Okay. Um, well, uh,

Don't worry about us, We'll be fine. Okay. Bye.

[phone ringing]

- so how do you feel About wilderness adventure?

- what's up?

What do you mean It didn't get there?

They were supposed To transfer it this morning.

Well, call wertshafter And tell him to--

What?

Shit.

Fuck!

- good news, dear?

- the goddamn accountant Was supposed to wire the money

For the endovir ads to heat,

But it never arrived.

- call him in the morning and Have him straighten it out.

- they're out of the office Until monday,

And the deadline's Tomorrow night.

I'm going to lose My one big account.

I'm going to get so fucked.

- you and me both, honey.

- wait a minute.

Wertshafter's Your accountant?

You know who used to work For wertshafter?

- I'm ted. I'm a crystal meth addict.

All: hi, ted.

- this is my sixth week Of recovery.

Uh, I guess it all started,

I'd say, About a year ago or so.

I was struggling With feelings

Of worthlessness And depression;

No longer had the will To go on.

So in a moment of despair, I decided to try what's--

- come on, I need you.

- jesus, brian, Can you see I'm sharing?

- it's nothing you haven't Heard before.

Did drugs, fucked around.

Hit bottom. Regrets it deeply.

Let's go. - I--

No, my counselor said I'm supposed--

- shut up, let's go.

- how could you do that?

The rule is you never interrupt Someone when they're sharing.

- it's not my club. It's not my rules.

- you are un-fucking- Believable!

Why do I feel like I've been here before?

- drop to your knees and Imagine a cock in your mouth,

It'll come to you.

Here's the deal.

My idiot accountant,

The same dick that fired Your ass for jacking off

At your computer... - wertshafter?

- he was supposed to transfer 20 grand from my account

Into heat magazine's account,

But they fucked it up.

- as if I'm surprised.

Well, what do you want me To do about it?

- find it and fix it

And get it to them By midnight.

- by midnight? - or sooner.

- ah, a simple enough request.

Only, I can't do it. I'm out of shape.

I haven't crunched a number In years.

Besides, I'm a singer now.

You want to hear manrico's aria From il trovatore?

Fine.

* di quella pira *

- listen to me.

Are you listening? - I'm listening.

- you may be a pathetic Drug addict

Who's lost everything-- Your dignity,

Your livelihood, your lover, Your good name,

The respect and trust Of everyone you know...

- no one gives a pep talk Like you, bri.

- but there's one thing You haven't lost.

You're still an accountant.

That's who you are.

Not even the lowest form Of degradation

Can take that away from you.

Now, "Let's live in the Solution, not in the problem."

- [sighs]

- sorry I'm late.

I was in the doctor's office Forever.

Seems every woman In pittsburgh's pregnant,

Including my obstetrician.

- mel, I have some news-- - I was up half the night

Finishing my final argument.

Did a damn good job If I do say so,

But, hey, I'll let you Be the judge.

- well first, would you let me Get a word in?

- sure, larry. What's up?

- they're replacing Judge mcnally

On the arlen versus arlen case.

- with whom?

- judge randall walker.

- isn't he the one who Upheld the firing

Of that gay Elementary teacher?

- that's our boy. - that's too bad.

- we're going to have a real Uphill battle on our hands.

It doesn't mean We still can't win.

We just have to rework Our argument,

Emphasize that The previous judge

Incorrectly applied the law, And that's why

We're seeking a proper Legal determination.

Besides, jeanette and anna Are counting on me.

I have no intention Of letting them down.

[music on tv]

*

- [chuckles]

I just love Some like it hot.

I could watch it over and Over and over.

- we have.

- so who's up for All about eve?

- I have some writing I need to finish.

- yeah, and--and hunter Has homework to do.

- I don't mind.

- oh, there's always time For bette davis.

- who's bette davis?

- "Who's bette davis?"

This kid needs A real education, mike.

- "Homopiece theater" Is over for this evening.

Go on. - all right.

You boys go do whatever it is You need to do.

I'll just sit here And play solitaire.

- ma, uh, uncle vic And I were talking, and--

- you and vic?

Oh.

- all about you.

And I know you must Feel lonely...

Because he's gone, but, uh...

You can't keep Coming over here.

You've got to find some things To do on your own,

You know, with some friends Of your own.

- well, I'm so glad that you And my brother know how I feel,

And what I should be doing.

- it's not a bad idea To broaden your horizons.

- I'm broad enough, thanks.

- debbie, it wasn't meant As a criticism.

- well, it sounded like one.

- well, don't take it out On ben.

He was just making A suggestion.

- well, fine.

And I'll make one to you:

M.Y.O.B.!

And you've got a hell of A nerve, you know,

After I-I do your laundry And I make your dinner.

- you want to spray For termites too?

- don't you open a mouth to me, Young man.

And you're not so young.

You're old enough to show me A little respect.

- I do show respect!

- by telling your own mother

That she's not welcome In your house?

- I never said that. - he never said that.

- well,"You can't keep Coming over here"?

Well, how'd you like it If I said that to you?

"Get out of my house!"

And believe me, There were plenty of times

When I wanted to do it, When I could've used

A little fuckin' Peace and quiet.

- hey, can you keep it down?

I'm trying to do my homework.

- hey, come on, you two.

- you keep the fuck Out of this.

[knock at door] But I didn't do it,

Because a mother's love Knows no bounds.

- well, I wish it would.

- so what, you'd like to have One of those mothers

Who doesn't give a crap?

- well, I can dream, Can't I?

- what's that Supposed to be,

Some wise-ass comment?

- I'm constance simmons From social services.

Are mr. Bruckner and Mr. Novotny at home?

- just because I'm your son... - oh, shit.

- it doesn't give you the right To barge in here

Anytime you want.

- would you two take it Out on the street?

- come in.

- well, maybe you don't Fucking remember

That I raised you All by myself,

With no fucking help From anyone!

- how could I not Fucking remember?

You never let me Fucking forget it!

- guys?

That's mr. Bruckner And that's mr. Novotny.

This is the lady From social services.

- [sighs] Let's try this.

[computer buzzes]

Nope.

All right. Let's try this.

[computer buzzes]

Nope. Shit.

I don't know how to get Into this goddamn system.

- you have to know. You used to fucking work there.

[computer buzzes]

[cell phone rings]

Kinney.

Yeah, the money's being Transferred as we speak.

It's as good as there.

- no, it's not!

- do you want To make a liar out of me?

- look, I'm not supposed To have any stress in my life.

My program specifically states That--

- that with divine power

And the threat Of imminent death,

You can accomplish anything.

- let's see, uh,

The last password he used

Was his daughter's birthday, It was 9-15-74.

[computer buzzes]

[sighs] Before that it was his wife's.

That was, uh, 11-21-46.

[computer buzzes]

Before that it was His mother's.

That was 6-28-33.

[computer buzzes]

- you remember numbers The way

I remember numbers.

- [sighs]

W-w-w-w-wait.

He had a granddaughter.

Uh, it was valentine's day, 2001.

I remember, 'cause I didn't have a date.

[computer chimes]

Oh, my god.

We're in.

[rain pouring]

- there's no way we can wander Around on a night like this.

- come here. - [shushes]

Remember what I told you:

Think hospital zone, With lesbians.

- okay

- [shushes]

- [grunts] - [shushes]

Fuck me.

- [howls]

[both gasp]

- [howl continues]

[distant howling]

- you were fucking amazing.

- yeah, I was pretty good, Wasn't I?

- the way you were Going at it,

There was no stopping you.

- well, once I figured out Where the mistake was,

You know, they took the money From your account,

Put it into their account,

But never sent it on To heat magazine's account

Before they left For the weekend...

- assholes.

- yeah, it was easy enough To finish

The transfer in time To meet the deadline.

- it was genius.

Sheer genius.

- nothing any conscientious Accountant

With a knowledge of the system Couldn't have done.

- but it was you, Theodore schmidt,

Who did it. - yeah.

- you can keep on doing it, Starting monday morning.

- are you saying--

- I want you to come And work for me.

- jesus, brian, I--

I never dreamed that you, Of all people,

Would ever ask me, Of all people.

- that makes two of us.

- I can't tell you how much Your offer means to me.

- then don't. Just say yes.

- I--

- will?

- I--

- accept?

- I...Can't.

I'm not ready. I'm sorry.

- [chuckles] - mm-mm.

- oatmeal?

- no, thanks. Not hungry.

- doughnut?

- all right, You convinced me.

- so, how'd you sleep?

- like a baby. You?

- great--

Except for This terrible howling.

- uh, linz, I can explain.

- no need. We heard.

Loud and clear.

- believe me, I had no idea I brought home the wolfman.

- I thought we made An agreement.

- and I broke it.

It's just, There was this monsoon,

And-and we didn't have Any place--

Um, uh, no excuse.

I-I promise I'll never do it again.

- I hope you'll do it again.

Just not here.

- the problem is, where?

- the solution's pretty simple, Don't you think?

- my own place.

It's just I've never Lived alone before.

I mean, after I left hazelhurst, I came up here,

And I lived with godiva, Then michael,

Then teddy, Now you and mel.

- so maybe it's time.

Who knows, you might even Like it,

Being able to come and go...

- and come. - as you please.

[chuckles]

- if mel says it's going To be all right,

It's going to be all right.

- but after what you just Told us about this new judge--

- look, there's no denying

We have an additional hurdle To overcome.

But it's not insurmountable.

Besides, you know As well as I do

That no victory worth winning Ever comes easily.

- thank you, mel.

- we're going To get through this

As long as we stick together And stay strong.

[knock at door]

- sorry to interrupt, But if you have a minute--

- would you excuse me? - yeah.

- would you at least listen To what I have to say?

- I heard what You had to say.

The answer is no fucking way.

- you read walker's record. He's in the dark ages.

- then we'll just have To enlighten him.

- you know goddamn well What I'm saying

Is best for the case And the client.

- you taking over.

- at least I'm someone He can relate to.

- a straight white male.

- mel, we have an unfriendly Judge, a gay mother,

And look who's defending her: A pregnant lesbian.

- exactly. Who knows better

What she's going through Than I do?

- that doesn't mean you have To be the one to say it.

And right now, we can't afford To take that risk.

- oh, all of a sudden, I'm a risk.

Well, if you think I worked Day and night for months,

Pouring my guts Into this case,

Only to see it taken away By one of the boys--

- I am not trying To take it away from you.

This will still be your case.

Your work will still be there.

You will still be there.

- sitting behind you?

Sorry, larry. No way.

And given the confidence And support of my clients,

There's no way They'd allow it either.

[classical music]

*

- [singing la donna e mobile Aria from rigoletto by verdi]

*

- yeah. - you want wine?

I want wine.

- [continues singing]

*

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- hey, pavarotti.

I'm still waiting For my extra alfredo sauce.

- oh, coming right up, sir. Sorry.

- and I never got My side salad.

- coming right up, madame.

- I understand that, Ma'am,

But you should've requested Separate checks

Before you placed the order.

- nobody told us that.

Oh, for crying out loud, How are we ever

Going to figure this out?

- I want to see the manager.

- perhaps I can be Of assistance.

Uh, who had the lasagna?

- I did, and I had a glass Of chianti.

- make that two.

- she only had water.

And--and we're splitting Ida's.

- she's the birthday girl.

- oh, happy birthday.

- oh, how sweet, dear. Thank you very much.

- she had the scampi And the iced tea.

- and we all split A caesar salad, don't forget.

And an order Of fried calamari.

[overlapping chatter]

- okay, so that's $14.73 for you.

Includes tax and tip.

And who had the veal parmesan? - me, dear.

- okay, you owe $5 for the birthday girl,

And $10 for yourself, So your grand total is $18.45,

Which leaves you With the linguini

And 80 cents, add 15%,

Brings it to $13.63.

[pleased chatter]

- how did you do that?

- thank you, thank you. You're too kind.

- you know, you've got A nice voice, young man.

But if you ask me, you Should've been an accountant.

It's in your blood.

[overlapping chatter]

- well, it was nice, While it lasted.

- look, we don't know anything For certain.

- yeah, we do.

The look on miss simmons' face Said it all.

"Get that kid away from those Crazy people immediately."

- you guys don't have To whisper.

I have 20-20 hearing.

Think she'll take me With her tonight?

- she can't do that.

- they can do anything They damn well please.

[knock at door]

- getting more upset Isn't going to help.

- right. I'll get less upset.

- hey, ben.

- jesus, ma.

- if you want to slam the door In my face,

I'll understand.

- good. - hey, hey.

Come in, debbie.

- look, I haven't been able To eat all day,

Not even the mac and cheese At the diner,

Which is my favorite.

Look, if I've done anything

To fuck up your chances Of keeping that kid,

I will never forgive myself.

- that'll make two of us.

- it's no more your fault Than it is ours.

Things just got A little out of--

[knock at door]

- hello, mr. Bruckner.

Mr. Novotny.

Mrs. Novotny, What a surprise.

- hopefully not as much As last time.

- ms. Simmons, I-I-I know

When you were here The other night,

It didn't look like hunter Belonged here.

But I want you to know how much Ben and I care about him.

And we know we would be Very good foster parents,

If you just give us a chance.

- oh, I agree.

With all due respect, I have a mother too.

We're always going At each other.

But that doesn't mean We don't love each other.

In fact, we wouldn't fight So much if we didn't.

So when I come across What I saw here,

I know what it is,

'cause it's not something I see very often.

It's called love.

- putting in long, hard hours In ye olde steam room?

- not the way I'd like to.

- doing your own books, I see.

- at least it's someone I can trust.

- [clears throat]

Look, uh, brian,

I've reconsidered Your offer,

And if the position--

Make that "Opportunity,"

Is still available, I'd like to take you up on it.

- what made you Change your mind?

- ida freedman's 80th birthday...

And the albeit obvious,

But nonetheless belated, Realization

That my true calling is not To decimate donna e mobile

In between courses of pasta,

But...

As you said, To be what I truly am...

[scoffs] An accountant.

- that was a lovely testimony.

It's worthy of a.A.--

"Accountants anonymous."

- [scoffs]

- you can start first thing Monday morning.

- I'll be here, boss.

- oh, and, theodore, If you fuck up,

I'll have you murdered.

- [laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

[club music]

*

- ugh. Disgusting.

- you mean this?

- fucking freaks.

Come on.

- we'll see about that.

- hey, asshole.

Maybe it's you and your fat-ass Bitch who are the freaks.

- fuck you, faggot. - hey!

- [grunts]

You want to mess with me, Faggot?

- hey. Hey! - huh? Huh?

- yeah, we want To mess with you.

- oh, my god! - drop the knife.

- cody. - drop the fucking knife!

- put it down.

- how tough are you now, Asshole?

- please, man, I-- - don't say please.

Say you're sorry.

Say, "I'm so very sorry."

- do it.

- I'm so very sorry.

- yeah, you bet you are,

You straight piece of shit.

Now, politely excuse Yourselves.

I said politely.

[engine starts]

Come on.

[distant sirens]

- I didn't know you Had a fucking gun.

Where the fuck Did you get a gun?

- where I grew up, Everyone had one.

- and if it had gone off, You could've killed him.

[gun clicking]

- it was just meant To scare them.

- yeah, well, it worked.

You also scared the shit Out of me.

I've never even Held a gun before.

- go on.

- it's heavier Than I thought...

And cold.

- it'll heat up.

[both chuckle]

- did it make you hard?

- maybe.

- the same thing happened To me my first time.

Want to play with it?

- yeah.

[zipper opens]

[panting]

[grunts]

- ahh.

[I stayed with you]

*

- * the minute You said yes *

* is when I lost interest

* and yet I stayed

* I stayed with you

* with you

* with you

* I don't mean To be so cruel *

* or play you For a fool *

* I didn't know what else To do with you *

* with you

* with you

* the minute you said it

* my heart strayed

* the minute you said it

* I'd already played

* with you

* with you

* with you

* with you

*