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1
00:00:02,781 --> 00:00:05,581
The Cutter
by Echo & The Bunnymen
2
00:00:07,581 --> 00:00:10,381
So, let's firm up
those plans, then, eh?
3
00:00:10,381 --> 00:00:14,861
You, me, a bottle of pop
and a large fish supper.
4
00:00:14,861 --> 00:00:16,821
What about the kid?
5
00:00:16,821 --> 00:00:18,101
What, Malcolm?
6
00:00:19,261 --> 00:00:21,381
I suppose I can ask 'em to stick
a saveloy in, as well.
7
00:00:21,381 --> 00:00:23,701
I mean, he's not gonna be
there, too, is he?
8
00:00:23,701 --> 00:00:24,781
Not again?!
9
00:00:24,781 --> 00:00:26,021
I've bought him a Walkman.
10
00:00:26,021 --> 00:00:27,421
He can't hear a thing, I promise.
11
00:00:27,421 --> 00:00:28,981
MUSIC BLASTS ON HEADPHONES
12
00:00:28,981 --> 00:00:31,141
You can make as much
noise as you like.
13
00:00:31,141 --> 00:00:34,261
Jackie Moscrip,
you're a terrible father.
14
00:00:34,261 --> 00:00:35,741
Yeah. But I'm a great...
15
00:00:35,741 --> 00:00:37,141
I'll see you Saturday.
16
00:00:38,341 --> 00:00:39,461
Both of you.
17
00:00:43,701 --> 00:00:45,581
HE EXHALES
18
00:00:49,981 --> 00:00:53,181
They really are the most glorious
things in the world, Malcolm.
19
00:00:54,741 --> 00:00:56,221
Forget the flowers.
20
00:00:56,221 --> 00:00:59,341
When I die, I want that church
filled with beautiful women.
21
00:00:59,341 --> 00:01:01,581
Wall-to-wall stone foxes.
22
00:01:01,581 --> 00:01:02,781
No pigs.
23
00:01:04,301 --> 00:01:05,701
And no eulogy.
24
00:01:06,941 --> 00:01:08,061
Come on.
25
00:01:08,061 --> 00:01:11,221
# Conquering myself until... #
26
00:01:11,221 --> 00:01:12,421
So that's why it would be great
27
00:01:12,421 --> 00:01:14,261
if you could come
to my dad's funeral.
28
00:01:14,261 --> 00:01:15,821
I don't think so.
29
00:01:15,821 --> 00:01:16,861
Sorry.
30
00:01:18,461 --> 00:01:19,621
Have you got any mates?
31
00:01:25,861 --> 00:01:29,341
Are you sure you want me to do
all these baps with Lurpak, Gemma?
32
00:01:29,341 --> 00:01:30,901
It's very expensive.
33
00:01:30,901 --> 00:01:32,461
Just use what's in the fridge.
34
00:01:32,461 --> 00:01:34,581
All I'm saying is
I can do you a mix of spreads -
35
00:01:34,581 --> 00:01:37,861
it'll bring the cost down without
necessarily diminishing the taste.
36
00:01:37,861 --> 00:01:40,901
You know, the key thing is to,
erm, whip the Stork up,
37
00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:43,021
add a bit of salt,
a tiny bit of lard,
38
00:01:43,021 --> 00:01:46,661
and then add whatever butter of
your choice before rounding it out.
39
00:01:46,661 --> 00:01:48,421
Will you just use
what's in the fridge?
40
00:01:48,421 --> 00:01:50,781
I could save you up to £2, Gemma.
41
00:01:50,781 --> 00:01:52,261
I don't care about £2.
42
00:01:52,261 --> 00:01:54,341
And that attitude is why
you'll never be a businesswoman
43
00:01:54,341 --> 00:01:56,021
and I'm the OG boss bitch.
44
00:01:56,021 --> 00:01:57,461
HE SNIFFS
45
00:01:58,861 --> 00:02:00,421
HE MUMBLES
Dad...
46
00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:02,181
How are you feeling?
47
00:02:02,181 --> 00:02:04,461
I've still not managed
to get any beautiful women
48
00:02:04,461 --> 00:02:05,941
to come to the funeral.
49
00:02:05,941 --> 00:02:07,901
RITA GUFFAWS
Oi, cheeky!
50
00:02:07,901 --> 00:02:10,181
I'll be there.
RITA GIGGLES
51
00:02:10,181 --> 00:02:12,061
I killed him,
and then I let him down.
52
00:02:12,061 --> 00:02:14,101
Oh, my God, you need to stop this.
53
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:15,501
You didn't kill him -
54
00:02:15,501 --> 00:02:17,661
he was on the list
for a triple heart bypass.
55
00:02:17,661 --> 00:02:20,381
Those pills were the only things
keeping him alive.
56
00:02:20,381 --> 00:02:22,781
And you've written such
a lovely eulogy.
57
00:02:22,781 --> 00:02:24,261
He always said he didn't want one.
58
00:02:24,261 --> 00:02:26,221
Well, I bet he didn't want Rita's
mad sandwich spread either,
59
00:02:26,221 --> 00:02:27,581
but that's what he's getting.
60
00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:28,821
Look, you've done the hard part,
61
00:02:28,821 --> 00:02:30,021
now you just need to read it out.
62
00:02:30,021 --> 00:02:31,261
Mmm, you'll just...
63
00:02:31,261 --> 00:02:32,941
- You'll say something nice, though?
- FRONT DOOR SHUTS
64
00:02:32,941 --> 00:02:35,301
Nobody wants to hear
the truth at a funeral.
65
00:02:35,301 --> 00:02:37,501
Morning!
66
00:02:37,501 --> 00:02:39,901
Here you go. One eulogy.
67
00:02:39,901 --> 00:02:42,541
Oh, I changed the font
from Impact to Times New Roman.
68
00:02:42,541 --> 00:02:43,901
Felt like
the respectful thing to do.
69
00:02:43,901 --> 00:02:45,621
That's perfect.
Thanks, mate.
70
00:02:45,621 --> 00:02:46,741
Go on, mate. Go cry it out.
71
00:02:46,741 --> 00:02:47,981
Oh, can I have one of those?
72
00:02:47,981 --> 00:02:49,021
I skipped breakfast.
73
00:02:49,021 --> 00:02:50,541
I've been fasting.
74
00:02:50,541 --> 00:02:51,781
I found a rat
in my bread bin.
75
00:02:51,781 --> 00:02:53,821
- Ew!
- Excuse fingers.
- Oi!
76
00:02:53,821 --> 00:02:54,901
These are for Jackie.
77
00:02:54,901 --> 00:02:57,381
I hate to break it to you,
ladies, but Jackie is...
78
00:02:58,821 --> 00:02:59,861
Fine!
79
00:03:01,461 --> 00:03:05,061
Fucking hell, you get
less food at a mafia funeral.
80
00:03:05,061 --> 00:03:07,261
Unless of course you've invited
all of Jackie's exes -
81
00:03:07,261 --> 00:03:08,341
in which case, there's not enough.
82
00:03:08,341 --> 00:03:11,141
You pig! Gemma's been working really
hard on that buffet all week!
83
00:03:11,141 --> 00:03:13,901
- Oh!
- HE MOANS SENSUALLY
84
00:03:13,901 --> 00:03:15,181
HE PANTS
85
00:03:15,181 --> 00:03:16,661
I can put them back if you want.
86
00:03:18,701 --> 00:03:20,501
He is such a bellend.
87
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,461
Comments like that
only make me stronger.
88
00:03:22,461 --> 00:03:24,461
HE MOANS
89
00:03:24,461 --> 00:03:26,101
Ew!
90
00:03:26,101 --> 00:03:27,461
Isn't he a terror?!
91
00:03:27,461 --> 00:03:28,581
RITA CHUCKLES
92
00:03:28,581 --> 00:03:30,021
RITA CLICKS TONGUE
Disgusting!
93
00:03:32,341 --> 00:03:33,941
Shit.
94
00:03:33,941 --> 00:03:35,021
Shit!
95
00:03:35,021 --> 00:03:37,701
Oh, jogging bottoms
at a funeral, eh?
96
00:03:37,701 --> 00:03:39,381
I admire the sentiment, king.
97
00:03:39,381 --> 00:03:40,701
One last "fuck you" to the old man.
98
00:03:40,701 --> 00:03:41,861
I'm not doing that!
99
00:03:41,861 --> 00:03:43,461
Why would you think I was doing
that? I'm not doing that!
100
00:03:43,461 --> 00:03:45,061
Relax, Malcolm, it was a JK.
101
00:03:45,061 --> 00:03:47,501
This is the last thing
I'll ever get to do for him.
102
00:03:47,501 --> 00:03:50,421
And I just want today
to be appropriate, all right?
103
00:03:50,421 --> 00:03:52,421
And I thought I'd bought
a suit from the charity shop
104
00:03:52,421 --> 00:03:53,741
and I can't find it now!
105
00:03:53,741 --> 00:03:56,021
I mean, what if didn't buy it, eh?
What if I just dreamt it?
106
00:03:56,021 --> 00:03:58,541
- Gemma!
- Fucking hell.
107
00:03:58,541 --> 00:04:00,821
- You yelled?
- I got a suit from
the charity shop, didn't I?
108
00:04:00,821 --> 00:04:02,741
Yeah, I took it to the dry cleaners,
like you asked.
109
00:04:02,741 --> 00:04:04,101
Well, where is it now?
110
00:04:04,101 --> 00:04:06,021
Probably still there.
I gave you the receipt.
111
00:04:06,021 --> 00:04:08,261
Did you? I can't find...
I've lost the receipt.
112
00:04:08,261 --> 00:04:09,461
I've lost the receipt!
113
00:04:09,461 --> 00:04:11,861
Dad, it's fine.
You've got loads of time, OK?
114
00:04:11,861 --> 00:04:13,741
You can go down there now
and just give them your name.
115
00:04:13,741 --> 00:04:15,261
- What?
- It's Malcolm Moscrip.
116
00:04:15,261 --> 00:04:16,941
I can write it down for you,
if you want.
117
00:04:16,941 --> 00:04:19,381
Gemma, do you have any fancy bowls?
118
00:04:19,381 --> 00:04:20,621
What kind of bowl?
119
00:04:20,621 --> 00:04:22,861
Well, I wanted to decant
the coleslaw from the plastic tubs
120
00:04:22,861 --> 00:04:25,621
into something nice,
show a bit of respect.
121
00:04:25,621 --> 00:04:27,941
Oh, that's lovely! I can use that.
122
00:04:27,941 --> 00:04:29,261
That's an ashtray.
123
00:04:29,261 --> 00:04:30,661
That was my grandad's.
124
00:04:30,661 --> 00:04:31,901
It's fucking filthy, is what it is.
125
00:04:31,901 --> 00:04:33,501
Yeah, I can wash it, Gemma!
126
00:04:33,501 --> 00:04:34,901
If I have to.
127
00:04:34,901 --> 00:04:36,021
He's dead now, of course.
128
00:04:36,021 --> 00:04:37,661
Will you use a normal bowl, Rita?
129
00:04:37,661 --> 00:04:39,861
Yeah, but I can't find any.
130
00:04:39,861 --> 00:04:42,061
Ooh, I could decant it into a mug!
131
00:04:42,061 --> 00:04:45,781
No. We're not serving coleslaw
from a mug at my grandfather's wake.
132
00:04:45,781 --> 00:04:47,301
You know what I've just realised?
133
00:04:49,341 --> 00:04:51,301
I'm finally an orphan.
134
00:04:52,541 --> 00:04:54,381
Dad.
135
00:04:54,381 --> 00:04:56,181
Right, you take him to get his suit.
136
00:04:56,181 --> 00:04:58,501
Roger that.
Come on, Little Orphan Annie.
137
00:04:58,501 --> 00:05:00,781
It starts in 86 minutes,
doesn't it?!
138
00:05:00,781 --> 00:05:02,621
Yeah, we'll meet you
at the crematorium.
139
00:05:02,621 --> 00:05:03,901
OK?
MALCOLM SOBS
140
00:05:03,901 --> 00:05:06,741
And, Rita? I'll find you
something for the coleslaw.
141
00:05:06,741 --> 00:05:08,261
Something fancy.
142
00:05:08,261 --> 00:05:10,341
Mariah Carey there
won't let me have a mug.
143
00:05:10,341 --> 00:05:11,541
DEREK CHUCKLES
144
00:05:13,941 --> 00:05:15,181
For your grief.
145
00:05:22,021 --> 00:05:23,741
Ah, you sexy little bitch.
146
00:05:25,421 --> 00:05:26,861
Whoo!
147
00:05:26,861 --> 00:05:28,221
Can we go in yours?
148
00:05:28,221 --> 00:05:29,981
Why?
149
00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:31,421
It's nicer, isn't it?
150
00:05:31,421 --> 00:05:33,941
Than the Jag? No, it fucking isn't.
151
00:05:33,941 --> 00:05:36,541
Surely, you want to
arrive in your dad's classic car.
152
00:05:36,541 --> 00:05:37,741
It was his pride and joy.
153
00:05:37,741 --> 00:05:39,581
I can't.
154
00:05:39,581 --> 00:05:42,381
If I drive it, it means
he's really dead, doesn't it?
155
00:05:42,381 --> 00:05:44,741
Malcolm, I think the fact that
we're setting fire to him later
156
00:05:44,741 --> 00:05:46,941
is enough to suggest
that he's really dead.
157
00:05:49,181 --> 00:05:51,261
Look, it's been over a month.
158
00:05:51,261 --> 00:05:52,941
You've got to drive it
sometime, king.
159
00:05:52,941 --> 00:05:54,741
Yeah, well, I will!
Just not today, all right?!
160
00:05:54,741 --> 00:05:56,861
Jesus! All right.
161
00:05:56,861 --> 00:05:58,741
Such a baby.
162
00:06:02,701 --> 00:06:05,581
Good girl.
Ooh, can somebody help us?
163
00:06:05,581 --> 00:06:07,941
- You all right?
- Yep...
- Oh, God!
164
00:06:07,941 --> 00:06:09,861
Mm-hm. Sounded like a sloppy one.
165
00:06:09,861 --> 00:06:11,541
All right,
you just don't get any on you.
166
00:06:11,541 --> 00:06:12,621
I'll take care of this.
167
00:06:12,621 --> 00:06:14,101
- Hiya.
- Thanks, babe.
168
00:06:14,101 --> 00:06:18,141
Oh, God! You are
a stinky bum today, hey?
169
00:06:18,141 --> 00:06:19,421
Oh!
170
00:06:24,741 --> 00:06:28,061
Oh, Sadie didn't shit
herself on purpose!
171
00:06:29,941 --> 00:06:33,301
I just wish I'd taken more
photos of her and Grandad when...
172
00:06:33,301 --> 00:06:34,581
Aw, luvvie.
173
00:06:35,661 --> 00:06:37,901
- Now it's too late.
- No, it isn't.
174
00:06:37,901 --> 00:06:40,541
Don't say that.
It's never too late.
175
00:06:40,541 --> 00:06:42,141
Rita, it is too late.
176
00:06:42,141 --> 00:06:45,541
They can do anything with
computers these days, Gemma.
177
00:06:45,541 --> 00:06:48,141
If you want, I can get you
a picture of Sadie, Jackie,
178
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:51,101
Jesus and Freddie Mercury, you know,
179
00:06:51,101 --> 00:06:53,501
all inside a barn
that's floated out to sea.
180
00:06:53,501 --> 00:06:55,741
I know someone that can do that.
181
00:06:55,741 --> 00:06:58,141
You know, and not just photos.
182
00:06:58,141 --> 00:07:02,141
I could get that image
printed on a mouse mat for you.
183
00:07:02,141 --> 00:07:03,981
A mouse mat.
184
00:07:03,981 --> 00:07:05,901
Imagine that, eh?
185
00:07:20,901 --> 00:07:23,941
- No.
- Oh, can you have
another look, please?
186
00:07:23,941 --> 00:07:26,821
There isn't anything
under the name Malcolm Moscrip.
187
00:07:26,821 --> 00:07:28,261
I have a photographic memory.
188
00:07:28,261 --> 00:07:29,901
What, and you put that
to use in a dry cleaners?
189
00:07:29,901 --> 00:07:31,021
I also do alterations.
190
00:07:31,021 --> 00:07:32,621
Are we sure this is the right place?
191
00:07:32,621 --> 00:07:35,741
PHONE VIBRATES
192
00:07:35,741 --> 00:07:37,061
What is it?
193
00:07:37,061 --> 00:07:38,901
We're at the dry cleaner's
and they haven't got my suit!
194
00:07:38,901 --> 00:07:40,821
Which one did you take it to?
195
00:07:40,821 --> 00:07:42,061
The one on Mayford Road.
196
00:07:42,061 --> 00:07:44,021
A dick called Johan works there.
197
00:07:44,021 --> 00:07:45,221
Is your name Johan?
198
00:07:45,221 --> 00:07:47,901
- Yes.
- And are you a dick?
199
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,581
Do you see any customer service
awards in front of me?
200
00:07:50,581 --> 00:07:52,661
They haven't got my suit,
so what am I gonna do?
201
00:07:52,661 --> 00:07:54,501
OK, can you sort this out yourself?
202
00:07:56,541 --> 00:07:59,741
Look, it's my dad's funeral
in an hour.
203
00:07:59,741 --> 00:08:01,861
Have you got anything?
Anything? Please.
204
00:08:12,021 --> 00:08:13,901
I have a something that might fit.
205
00:08:13,901 --> 00:08:15,341
It's not black.
206
00:08:15,341 --> 00:08:16,861
OK.
207
00:08:33,901 --> 00:08:35,501
Hiya, Cat.
208
00:08:35,501 --> 00:08:39,061
Catherine! Cat! Catkins.
209
00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:42,181
Oh, Gary-bear!
210
00:08:43,381 --> 00:08:44,661
Gary, did you get taller?
211
00:08:44,661 --> 00:08:46,421
Oh, it's the pins in my legs.
212
00:08:46,421 --> 00:08:48,301
I might get my arms done, too.
213
00:08:48,301 --> 00:08:50,861
Can you imagine being able to reach
things before other people?
214
00:08:50,861 --> 00:08:52,061
Amazing.
215
00:08:52,061 --> 00:08:53,301
Yeah.
216
00:08:53,301 --> 00:08:56,141
I gotta say, Gemma, thank you
so much for sorting all this.
217
00:08:56,141 --> 00:08:57,461
What?
218
00:08:57,461 --> 00:09:00,501
- Cat said you'd come through
on the day release.
- Hmm.
219
00:09:00,501 --> 00:09:02,941
You hid Grandad's
heart pills, didn't you?
220
00:09:02,941 --> 00:09:05,181
Don't even joke about that!
221
00:09:05,181 --> 00:09:08,741
We'll tell the baby, Auntie Gem-Gem
moved heaven and Earth
222
00:09:08,741 --> 00:09:11,141
to make their conception possible.
223
00:09:11,141 --> 00:09:13,021
- Right, and special thanks
to Grandad Jackie.
- Oh!
224
00:09:13,021 --> 00:09:16,221
Who sacrificed himself
so our baby could be.
225
00:09:16,221 --> 00:09:17,501
Fucking hell!
226
00:09:17,501 --> 00:09:18,941
Ahem!
227
00:09:18,941 --> 00:09:21,861
- Oh, yeah, this is Suki.
- Yeah.
228
00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:23,101
Prison officer.
229
00:09:23,101 --> 00:09:26,141
My job is to help Catherine make
correct decisions today.
230
00:09:26,141 --> 00:09:27,661
Or else.
231
00:09:27,661 --> 00:09:29,661
- Pow, pow, pow!
- Ooh!
CATHERINE CHUCKLES
232
00:09:31,021 --> 00:09:32,741
I've missed you so much, Cat.
233
00:09:32,741 --> 00:09:35,821
- Aw!
- I'd let you push me off
a million fire escapes.
234
00:09:35,821 --> 00:09:38,261
So things are properly
back on with you two, then?
235
00:09:38,261 --> 00:09:41,981
- Yeah.
- Catherine explained it was
a crime of passion.
236
00:09:41,981 --> 00:09:43,181
She's always been very passionate.
237
00:09:43,181 --> 00:09:46,021
- Yeah.
- Not the word
I'd use to describe her, but, OK.
238
00:09:46,021 --> 00:09:47,101
Shut up.
239
00:09:47,101 --> 00:09:50,341
Catherine! Oh. Oh!
240
00:09:50,341 --> 00:09:52,181
Dad, what the hell are you wearing?
241
00:09:52,181 --> 00:09:54,221
Well, the dry cleaners lost my suit,
didn't they?
242
00:09:54,221 --> 00:09:56,061
So you borrowed one from RuPaul?
243
00:09:56,061 --> 00:09:57,541
Er, I think Dad looks magnificent.
244
00:09:57,541 --> 00:09:58,741
Oh, thanks, love.
245
00:09:58,741 --> 00:10:00,661
Hey, it didn't look
so bright in the bag, did it?
246
00:10:00,661 --> 00:10:02,421
- It did not.
- Come here!
247
00:10:02,421 --> 00:10:04,381
Oh, ha, bums.
248
00:10:04,381 --> 00:10:07,661
Sorry, Dad,
I've used up all my hugs for today.
249
00:10:07,661 --> 00:10:09,461
It's prison rules.
250
00:10:09,461 --> 00:10:11,261
Oh, right, well...
251
00:10:11,261 --> 00:10:13,101
What if I forget how to talk?
252
00:10:13,101 --> 00:10:14,861
You know, I've ready gone a bit dry.
253
00:10:14,861 --> 00:10:16,101
Have I gone dry?
254
00:10:16,101 --> 00:10:18,941
Dad, no. It's a beautiful eulogy.
255
00:10:18,941 --> 00:10:21,381
Thanks. I better go and practise.
OK?
256
00:10:22,861 --> 00:10:25,381
There is no way you think
Dad looks good in that suit.
257
00:10:25,381 --> 00:10:26,781
Oh, yeah?
258
00:10:26,781 --> 00:10:28,141
Prove it.
259
00:10:44,421 --> 00:10:45,901
MALCOLM SNIFFLES
260
00:10:54,181 --> 00:10:56,341
MOURNFUL PIANO PLAYS
261
00:10:59,341 --> 00:11:01,541
You know, my dad never cried.
262
00:11:01,541 --> 00:11:03,461
Not even when he sliced his toe off
263
00:11:03,461 --> 00:11:05,421
kicking that samurai sword.
264
00:11:05,421 --> 00:11:07,101
Just different people, aren't you?
265
00:11:08,621 --> 00:11:10,181
- Hi!
- Hi.
MESSAGE CHIMES
266
00:11:10,181 --> 00:11:11,381
I'm sorry.
267
00:11:11,381 --> 00:11:12,661
Why? What have you done?
268
00:11:12,661 --> 00:11:14,061
For your loss.
269
00:11:14,061 --> 00:11:15,181
Yeah.
270
00:11:16,741 --> 00:11:19,101
Missed you. Thanks for coming.
271
00:11:22,581 --> 00:11:23,861
What is it?
272
00:11:25,261 --> 00:11:27,301
Your Auntie Jess,
she's not going to come.
273
00:11:27,301 --> 00:11:28,821
Aw, Dad.
274
00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:32,021
Yeah, well, they had
a tough relationship, you know?
275
00:11:32,021 --> 00:11:35,261
- Yeah.
- Well, I think she thought
he was a bit judgmental.
- Mm-hm.
276
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:36,621
Oh, but I'd hoped she'd come.
277
00:11:36,621 --> 00:11:37,981
MESSAGE CHIMES
You know, just for me, but...
278
00:11:37,981 --> 00:11:39,981
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, look.
279
00:11:39,981 --> 00:11:41,661
Here's a message from Tyrone.
280
00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:45,821
- Oh, God!
- Oh, God,
that's not very nice, is it?
281
00:11:45,821 --> 00:11:47,661
Right, I think
it's time to kick off.
282
00:11:47,661 --> 00:11:50,421
Oh, no, sorry, we've...
we've got to wait for the celebrant.
283
00:11:50,421 --> 00:11:52,621
Well, hello. Who do you think I am?
284
00:11:52,621 --> 00:11:54,061
Francis. I'm your...
285
00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:55,501
..your celebrant super sub.
286
00:11:55,501 --> 00:11:58,661
I'm afraid your guy had a tiny bump
on the A34 this morning.
287
00:11:58,661 --> 00:12:00,181
Is he OK?
288
00:12:00,181 --> 00:12:01,501
Yeah.
289
00:12:01,501 --> 00:12:03,501
He did manage to WhatsApp me
some very comprehensive notes
290
00:12:03,501 --> 00:12:05,461
while he was waiting
to be cut out of the wreckage.
291
00:12:05,461 --> 00:12:06,981
Erm... Such a pro.
292
00:12:06,981 --> 00:12:08,261
Where are my glasses?
293
00:12:10,341 --> 00:12:11,781
HE CHUCKLES
294
00:12:13,181 --> 00:12:14,661
Ooh!
295
00:12:14,661 --> 00:12:15,901
Ah, silly old Francis.
296
00:12:17,341 --> 00:12:19,061
I-I think we need to get on.
297
00:12:19,061 --> 00:12:21,141
- Yeah.
- Great.
298
00:12:26,581 --> 00:12:28,141
Who's that dick?
299
00:12:37,741 --> 00:12:40,141
"John Richard Moscrip -
300
00:12:40,141 --> 00:12:42,901
"Jackie, to his friends
and family..." Mmm.
301
00:12:42,901 --> 00:12:47,341
"..was a devoted and loving father
to Malcolm and Jessica..."
302
00:12:47,341 --> 00:12:48,661
Who's not here.
303
00:12:48,661 --> 00:12:51,381
"..and adoring grandfather
to Catherine..."
304
00:12:51,381 --> 00:12:53,301
Yes! Top of the list.
305
00:12:53,301 --> 00:12:54,861
- Made it.
- Well done, baby girl.
306
00:12:54,861 --> 00:12:56,741
"..Gemma and...
307
00:12:56,741 --> 00:12:59,181
"Mice?" What...? Does that say Mice?
308
00:12:59,181 --> 00:13:00,581
Mia.
309
00:13:00,581 --> 00:13:02,221
That's my sister's daughter.
310
00:13:02,221 --> 00:13:04,181
Mia? What, that's a name, is it?
311
00:13:04,181 --> 00:13:05,501
- Yes.
- Hmm!
312
00:13:05,501 --> 00:13:07,741
Do you know, I've never heard
that name before. Wow. Mi...
313
00:13:07,741 --> 00:13:08,981
Mia?
314
00:13:08,981 --> 00:13:10,501
Huh. You learn something
new every day.
315
00:13:10,501 --> 00:13:12,181
Mia. Mia. Mia!
316
00:13:12,181 --> 00:13:13,741
I like it.
317
00:13:13,741 --> 00:13:15,661
Actually, I really like it, yeah.
318
00:13:15,661 --> 00:13:17,301
Right, back to Jackie.
319
00:13:17,301 --> 00:13:20,661
"Very recently, he'd become
a great-grandfather to..."
320
00:13:20,661 --> 00:13:22,541
- Whoo. Scrolled past it.
- Sadie.
- "..Sadie."
321
00:13:22,541 --> 00:13:24,301
Yeah, now...
now, I do know that name.
322
00:13:24,301 --> 00:13:25,821
Well, Sexy Sadie. Isn't it?
323
00:13:25,821 --> 00:13:28,261
Is she sexy, your Sadie, hmm?
324
00:13:28,261 --> 00:13:30,261
MALCOLM SOBS
She's a year old.
325
00:13:30,261 --> 00:13:31,701
Ah.
326
00:13:31,701 --> 00:13:35,261
Anyhoo, "Malcolm Moscrip will
now say a few words
327
00:13:35,261 --> 00:13:38,021
"about his dear dead dad."
328
00:13:39,941 --> 00:13:41,541
You've got it, king.
You've fucking got it.
329
00:13:41,541 --> 00:13:43,061
- OK, mate.
- Slay.
- OK.
330
00:13:43,061 --> 00:13:44,861
Fucking destroy it. Come on.
331
00:13:57,581 --> 00:13:59,181
My dad, erm...
332
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:02,741
..Jackie...
333
00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:08,061
There's a lot to say about my dad.
334
00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:11,621
There's a lot I'd like to say.
335
00:14:17,541 --> 00:14:18,741
PAPER RUSTLES
336
00:14:18,741 --> 00:14:20,741
He didn't want a eulogy.
337
00:14:20,741 --> 00:14:22,461
He was very firm about that.
338
00:14:26,221 --> 00:14:29,341
And I'd like to honour him
in the best way I can,
339
00:14:29,341 --> 00:14:30,701
if that's OK with you.
340
00:14:32,901 --> 00:14:35,021
MIC SQUEALS
Thank you.
341
00:14:35,021 --> 00:14:36,101
Oh, shit.
342
00:14:38,341 --> 00:14:39,621
OK.
343
00:14:39,621 --> 00:14:41,701
I'm Your Man
by Wham!
344
00:14:53,661 --> 00:14:57,301
# Call me good,
call me bad... #
345
00:14:57,301 --> 00:15:00,021
- SOBS DROWN OUT SINGING
- I'm going in, Gemma. I'm going in.
346
00:15:00,021 --> 00:15:01,341
I can't... I can't do this.
347
00:15:01,341 --> 00:15:03,021
Yes, you can, Malcolm! Yes, you can!
348
00:15:03,021 --> 00:15:04,341
Eyes on me, king, you've got it.
349
00:15:04,341 --> 00:15:05,941
- Am I going in? Am I going in?
- Yes!
350
00:15:05,941 --> 00:15:07,141
All right, I'm going in.
I'm going in.
351
00:15:07,141 --> 00:15:08,741
I'm going in. I'm going in.
352
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:13,541
# Baby, I'm your man... #
353
00:15:13,541 --> 00:15:14,661
Here we go, it's you.
354
00:15:14,661 --> 00:15:16,381
# Don't you know that...? #
355
00:15:16,381 --> 00:15:20,621
# Baby, I'm your man... #
356
00:15:20,621 --> 00:15:23,341
We'll go together,
we'll go together. Come on.
357
00:15:23,341 --> 00:15:25,821
# If you're gonna do it,
do it right
358
00:15:25,821 --> 00:15:27,221
# Do it with me
359
00:15:27,221 --> 00:15:29,101
# If you're gonna do it, do it right
360
00:15:29,101 --> 00:15:30,621
- # Do it with me... #
- Whoo!
361
00:15:30,621 --> 00:15:32,981
# If you're gonna do it, do it right
362
00:15:32,981 --> 00:15:35,021
# Do it for me
363
00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:37,061
- # If you're gonna do it, do it right
- Do it right
364
00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:38,301
# Do it with me
365
00:15:38,301 --> 00:15:40,981
# Whoo! #
366
00:15:43,141 --> 00:15:45,421
I thought everyone would join in
once we hit that second verse.
367
00:15:45,421 --> 00:15:46,701
Yeah, me too.
368
00:15:46,701 --> 00:15:48,221
And you wrote that song yourself?
369
00:15:48,221 --> 00:15:49,501
Amazing.
370
00:15:49,501 --> 00:15:51,141
I wish you'd told me
you were gonna do that.
371
00:15:51,141 --> 00:15:52,621
What, so you could
talk him out of it?
372
00:15:52,621 --> 00:15:55,181
Yeah.
MALCOLM SIGHS
373
00:15:55,181 --> 00:15:56,941
- Hi.
- Hi!
374
00:15:58,021 --> 00:15:59,661
Wow. That was something.
375
00:15:59,661 --> 00:16:02,021
Yep.
DEREK, MALCOLM WHISPER
376
00:16:02,021 --> 00:16:03,181
Thanks for coming.
377
00:16:03,181 --> 00:16:05,501
- I'm sorry for your loss.
- It's OK.
378
00:16:05,501 --> 00:16:07,221
Sorry for your loss.
379
00:16:07,221 --> 00:16:09,181
- Fun I got to keep my clothes on,
though.
- Yeah.
380
00:16:10,941 --> 00:16:12,821
Oh, you're being so brave.
381
00:16:12,821 --> 00:16:14,341
It's OK, Rita. Thank you.
382
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:16,621
Oh, please, take your fucking time.
383
00:16:16,621 --> 00:16:17,941
You're not the only one incinerating
384
00:16:17,941 --> 00:16:19,341
a family member today, mate.
385
00:16:22,661 --> 00:16:24,701
MUTED CHATTER
386
00:16:27,661 --> 00:16:29,661
There's, erm...
387
00:16:29,661 --> 00:16:31,421
There's quite a lot,
isn't there, babe?
388
00:16:31,421 --> 00:16:33,141
Well, yeah,
I didn't want people gossiping
389
00:16:33,141 --> 00:16:34,581
about there not being enough food.
390
00:16:34,581 --> 00:16:36,461
But, of course, what they're
going to be talking about
391
00:16:36,461 --> 00:16:38,581
is you hiring
a chorus line of strippers.
392
00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:40,861
Oh, you make it sound
so seedy, Gemma.
393
00:16:40,861 --> 00:16:43,261
You should've seen them
at the audition. Oh!
394
00:16:43,261 --> 00:16:46,381
Gemma! I can't shake Suki off.
395
00:16:46,381 --> 00:16:48,781
How are me and Gary
supposed to go and make a baby
396
00:16:48,781 --> 00:16:50,981
if they keep following me
around all day?
397
00:16:50,981 --> 00:16:53,301
Maybe this is God's -
or HM Prison Services' -
398
00:16:53,301 --> 00:16:54,741
way of saying, "Don't bother."
399
00:16:54,741 --> 00:16:56,181
You're having a baby?
400
00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:57,501
We're trying.
401
00:16:57,501 --> 00:16:58,781
We're trying to try.
402
00:16:58,781 --> 00:17:00,181
No thanks to Gemma!
403
00:17:00,181 --> 00:17:01,541
Cat, what more do you want me to do?
404
00:17:01,541 --> 00:17:03,381
Draw him a map of where to stick it?
405
00:17:03,381 --> 00:17:04,461
Get him hard for you?
406
00:17:04,461 --> 00:17:06,381
Guide him in like
cock Air Traffic Control?
407
00:17:06,381 --> 00:17:07,861
Don't be so crude, Gemma!
408
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:09,141
GEMMA GASPS
409
00:17:09,141 --> 00:17:11,341
I think it's a wonderful way
to honour your grandad.
410
00:17:11,341 --> 00:17:12,661
Thank you, Daddy.
411
00:17:12,661 --> 00:17:13,861
You fucking bitch.
412
00:17:13,861 --> 00:17:16,021
- They weren't at the crematorium.
- ..grab one of these.
413
00:17:16,021 --> 00:17:19,221
- So, er, h-how did you know
Jackie, then?
- Whee!
414
00:17:19,221 --> 00:17:21,221
- Hiya.
- Hey, you.
- Hey!
415
00:17:21,221 --> 00:17:23,501
Derek's just told me how
much they get paid.
416
00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:25,061
Fucking hell!
417
00:17:25,061 --> 00:17:27,141
Have you thought about
a career dancing at funerals?
418
00:17:27,141 --> 00:17:28,621
Well, I might have to.
419
00:17:28,621 --> 00:17:30,261
Three months of applying
and no bites.
420
00:17:30,261 --> 00:17:31,541
I mean, what's wrong with me?
421
00:17:31,541 --> 00:17:34,181
You're a single mum on maternity
leave with zero qualifications.
422
00:17:34,181 --> 00:17:36,141
Do you think I should stop putting
that on my cover letter?
423
00:17:36,141 --> 00:17:37,421
- Maybe.
- Yeah?
424
00:17:37,421 --> 00:17:39,341
I don't think
they even knew who Grandad was.
425
00:17:39,341 --> 00:17:40,661
- No?
- No.
426
00:17:40,661 --> 00:17:42,221
I'm gonna get
my baps off that woman.
427
00:17:42,221 --> 00:17:43,581
OK.
428
00:17:43,581 --> 00:17:45,381
- Have you been with Auntie Cherry?
- Right, come on.
429
00:17:45,381 --> 00:17:47,301
MUFFLED CONVERSATION
430
00:17:47,301 --> 00:17:48,901
Giv... Don't! Give me...
MUFFLED PROTESTS
431
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,301
Give! Give!
432
00:17:52,621 --> 00:17:54,061
Hiya.
433
00:17:54,061 --> 00:17:55,341
I love a man in a suit.
434
00:17:55,341 --> 00:17:56,941
What, even this one?
435
00:17:56,941 --> 00:17:59,101
I wish you'd have asked me
to dance for you, Malcolm.
436
00:17:59,101 --> 00:18:00,581
I've got a very taut core.
437
00:18:00,581 --> 00:18:02,501
Watch this. Whoo!
438
00:18:02,501 --> 00:18:04,141
Whoa!
439
00:18:04,141 --> 00:18:07,261
- Rita, can I have a word?
- Oh, no...
- Quick word.
440
00:18:07,261 --> 00:18:08,461
- Yeah.
- Derek...
441
00:18:08,461 --> 00:18:11,381
Will you stop trying
to seduce my grieving father?
442
00:18:11,381 --> 00:18:12,821
I'm trying to lift his spirits.
443
00:18:12,821 --> 00:18:15,821
Well, his spirits need
to stay exactly where they are.
444
00:18:15,821 --> 00:18:18,301
- Gemma?
- What?
445
00:18:18,301 --> 00:18:20,301
Can you distract Suki for me?
446
00:18:20,301 --> 00:18:21,781
We only need a couple of minutes.
447
00:18:21,781 --> 00:18:23,341
Like 90 seconds, max.
448
00:18:23,341 --> 00:18:25,421
Jesus, Gary's a lucky guy.
449
00:18:25,421 --> 00:18:27,061
I know.
450
00:18:27,061 --> 00:18:29,221
Right, what do you want me to do?
And nothing illegal.
451
00:18:29,221 --> 00:18:33,661
Right, well, Suki -
they really fancy your fit mate.
452
00:18:33,661 --> 00:18:36,261
- Cherry?
- Yeah.
- Right.
453
00:18:36,261 --> 00:18:39,781
So, could you like
introduce 'em or summat?
454
00:18:39,781 --> 00:18:42,901
And then me and Gary,
we'll slip off to the bogs,
455
00:18:42,901 --> 00:18:47,141
make a baby -
as is Moscrip family tradition.
456
00:18:47,141 --> 00:18:48,861
Go on!
457
00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:51,461
- Fine!
- Yes!
458
00:18:51,461 --> 00:18:54,181
Suki, can I introduce you to Cherry?
459
00:18:54,181 --> 00:18:55,901
Oh, God. Yes, please. Ha!
460
00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:57,621
Cherry, this is Suki.
461
00:18:57,621 --> 00:18:59,301
Suki is my sister's...
462
00:18:59,301 --> 00:19:00,541
Guardian angel.
463
00:19:00,541 --> 00:19:03,181
- You what?
- Just go with it.
464
00:19:03,181 --> 00:19:06,461
Oh, hiya. You are very pretty.
465
00:19:07,741 --> 00:19:10,101
Do you...work with Catherine?
466
00:19:11,501 --> 00:19:13,141
She's in prison.
467
00:19:13,141 --> 00:19:14,341
Cheese twist?
468
00:19:14,341 --> 00:19:16,141
You have not stopped all day today.
469
00:19:16,141 --> 00:19:17,821
Yeah, well,
I'm just trying to make sure
470
00:19:17,821 --> 00:19:19,781
that everyone's having
a really great time.
471
00:19:19,781 --> 00:19:21,901
- At a wake?
- I love wakes.
472
00:19:21,901 --> 00:19:23,141
I think they're like weddings,
473
00:19:23,141 --> 00:19:24,781
but you just don't have to get
anyone a gift.
474
00:19:24,781 --> 00:19:26,421
Why don't you sit down
and get a glass of fizz?
475
00:19:26,421 --> 00:19:28,341
No, because if I stop thinking
about the food,
476
00:19:28,341 --> 00:19:30,021
- then I'll think about my...
- Hiya.
477
00:19:30,021 --> 00:19:32,061
Hi, Gary. Where's Cat?
478
00:19:33,181 --> 00:19:34,901
GASPING
No!
479
00:19:34,901 --> 00:19:36,101
Gary...
480
00:19:36,101 --> 00:19:37,461
SHOUTING
481
00:19:37,461 --> 00:19:38,741
Run, my goddess!
482
00:19:38,741 --> 00:19:39,781
CROWD EXCLAIMS
483
00:19:39,781 --> 00:19:41,421
I'll find you. Just go!
484
00:19:41,421 --> 00:19:42,701
- Love you, Gaz-bear.
- You're my world!
485
00:19:42,701 --> 00:19:44,301
- Fucking kill her.
- Get off! Get...
486
00:19:44,301 --> 00:19:46,141
Gary, that's not how
you make a baby.
487
00:19:47,701 --> 00:19:49,461
SIREN WAILS
Bloody hell.
488
00:19:50,741 --> 00:19:52,341
The food...!
489
00:19:52,341 --> 00:19:54,101
- Right, on your way, Gary.
- Malcolm.
490
00:19:55,101 --> 00:19:56,581
Malcolm...
491
00:19:56,581 --> 00:19:59,301
Sorry again, Malcolm,
about the table,
492
00:19:59,301 --> 00:20:00,981
and the food,
493
00:20:00,981 --> 00:20:02,941
and your dad.
494
00:20:02,941 --> 00:20:04,421
Ah, I should have said "dad" first.
495
00:20:04,421 --> 00:20:05,781
Why didn't you say "dad" first?
496
00:20:11,541 --> 00:20:12,941
SHE SIGHS
497
00:20:15,261 --> 00:20:18,741
All I wanted was for my dad to have
an appropriate send-off, you know?
498
00:20:20,221 --> 00:20:21,501
Well, I think we achieved that.
499
00:20:21,501 --> 00:20:22,861
HE SCOFFS
500
00:20:24,901 --> 00:20:26,821
Plus we've got a family member
on the run now.
501
00:20:26,821 --> 00:20:28,221
- Oh!
- He would have loved that.
502
00:20:28,221 --> 00:20:29,461
FAINT CHATTER
503
00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:32,221
I just wanted to say -
the whole day was great.
504
00:20:32,221 --> 00:20:35,181
I mean, a bit weird, but great.
505
00:20:35,181 --> 00:20:37,741
My mum wanted a karaoke machine
at her funeral,
506
00:20:37,741 --> 00:20:39,941
got talked out of it by family.
507
00:20:39,941 --> 00:20:41,501
Regretted it ever since.
508
00:20:41,501 --> 00:20:43,941
I'm Elodie. Here's my number.
509
00:20:43,941 --> 00:20:45,221
Yeah?
SHE CHUCKLES
510
00:20:45,221 --> 00:20:47,661
Love the suit, by the way.
511
00:20:47,661 --> 00:20:50,061
Pff! Yeah. Nice.
512
00:20:50,061 --> 00:20:51,221
HE CHUCKLES
513
00:20:53,821 --> 00:20:55,421
Like I'm gonna hire her again.
514
00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:56,861
She cost a fortune.
515
00:20:56,861 --> 00:20:58,461
God...!
DOOR SHUTS
516
00:20:58,461 --> 00:21:00,021
DOOR OPENS
517
00:21:00,021 --> 00:21:01,661
Oh... Oh!
518
00:21:01,661 --> 00:21:03,261
Have I missed it?
519
00:21:03,261 --> 00:21:05,541
I can't believe I've missed it.
520
00:21:05,541 --> 00:21:07,061
There was a crash on the A34.
521
00:21:09,501 --> 00:21:10,701
Malcolm.
522
00:21:10,701 --> 00:21:12,461
Tommy?
523
00:21:12,461 --> 00:21:15,221
Finally, in the flesh.
524
00:21:16,501 --> 00:21:18,541
Well, you're a lot taller
than I thought you'd be.
525
00:21:18,541 --> 00:21:20,701
And about ten times more handsome.
526
00:21:20,701 --> 00:21:23,021
I mean, how sexy is this guy?
527
00:21:23,021 --> 00:21:24,741
Come on!
528
00:21:24,741 --> 00:21:26,221
Bring it in.
TOMMY CHUCKLES
529
00:21:27,621 --> 00:21:29,661
Oh. Oh.
530
00:21:29,661 --> 00:21:31,421
Dad, who's this?
531
00:21:32,941 --> 00:21:34,861
It's Tommy Moscrip.
532
00:21:34,861 --> 00:21:37,701
Yeah. Jackie's son.
533
00:21:37,701 --> 00:21:38,981
The other son.
534
00:21:38,981 --> 00:21:40,861
Dad, you've got a brother?!
535
00:21:40,861 --> 00:21:42,301
Erm...
536
00:21:43,501 --> 00:21:45,421
Yeah.
537
00:21:45,421 --> 00:21:47,141
Me.
538
00:21:47,141 --> 00:21:48,701
Yeah.
37800
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