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1
00:00:02,821 --> 00:00:04,421
I'm not saying that I definitely
2
00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:06,221
don't want to go back to the salon,
3
00:00:06,221 --> 00:00:09,461
but I have been dabbling with
better-paid, other employment.
4
00:00:09,461 --> 00:00:12,101
- "Dabbling"?
- I've applied for 30 jobs.
5
00:00:12,101 --> 00:00:13,861
God, save some
for the rest of us! Jesus!
6
00:00:13,861 --> 00:00:15,941
Babe, I haven't got one interview!
7
00:00:15,941 --> 00:00:17,621
Why does nobody want me?
8
00:00:17,621 --> 00:00:20,661
"But what qualifications do you
have, Ms Moscrip?"
9
00:00:20,661 --> 00:00:23,981
- "Why, the ones you get free from
school."
- "Oh, how common!"
10
00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:27,261
Excuse me! Excuse me! Sorry.
11
00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:29,821
BUZZ OF CONVERSATION
12
00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:33,941
Oh, my God! You look amazing!
Should I look amazing?
13
00:00:33,941 --> 00:00:36,541
I've been saving Rhyme Time with
Rocky until it was really needed.
14
00:00:36,541 --> 00:00:38,381
Ah! Excuse me! We're on the list.
15
00:00:38,381 --> 00:00:41,621
Excuse me, excuse me,
we're on the list. Hiya.
16
00:00:41,621 --> 00:00:44,781
- Name?
- Oh, Cherry Lewis and Gemma Moscrip.
17
00:00:44,781 --> 00:00:47,221
And do you actually have a baby
with you? Otherwise...
18
00:00:48,221 --> 00:00:50,541
That baby belongs to both of us.
19
00:00:50,541 --> 00:00:53,221
We are very much in love.
20
00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:54,461
Don't make me report you
21
00:00:54,461 --> 00:00:56,861
to the Equality and Human Rights
Commission.
22
00:00:56,861 --> 00:00:58,741
Me and the EHRC...
23
00:00:58,741 --> 00:01:00,021
..are like that.
24
00:01:06,501 --> 00:01:08,941
- Have a lovely Rhyme Time.
- Thank you.
25
00:01:08,941 --> 00:01:12,781
Rocky's been at this library
every week for the past eight years.
26
00:01:12,781 --> 00:01:14,621
He's an institution.
27
00:01:14,621 --> 00:01:17,781
- This has been quite the build-up.
- That...
28
00:01:17,781 --> 00:01:19,781
..is Rocky.
29
00:01:23,941 --> 00:01:25,621
HE EXHALES
30
00:01:25,621 --> 00:01:26,861
Whoa.
31
00:01:28,821 --> 00:01:30,981
TINKLY MUSIC PLAYS
Ah, well,
32
00:01:30,981 --> 00:01:32,981
there's always tomorrow.
33
00:01:32,981 --> 00:01:35,741
HE CHUCKLES
34
00:01:35,741 --> 00:01:37,261
BABIES GURGLE
35
00:01:37,261 --> 00:01:40,581
So, to end this session,
36
00:01:40,581 --> 00:01:42,701
we're going to hold
our babies tight...
37
00:01:44,181 --> 00:01:45,861
..and we're going to tell 'em
we love 'em.
38
00:01:45,861 --> 00:01:47,141
I love you.
39
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:48,541
I love you so much.
40
00:01:49,701 --> 00:01:51,301
- Namaste.
- Namaste.
41
00:01:51,301 --> 00:01:53,141
Right, can I have my baby back now?
42
00:01:53,141 --> 00:01:54,781
Oh, soz.
43
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,301
Come here, you!
44
00:01:56,301 --> 00:01:58,101
Rocky's captivating, isn't he?
45
00:01:58,101 --> 00:02:01,221
Yeah, he is very nice to look at,
46
00:02:01,221 --> 00:02:04,421
but I'm not sure it was entirely
necessary for him to be topless
47
00:02:04,421 --> 00:02:06,381
during Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
48
00:02:06,381 --> 00:02:09,621
Skin-on-skin contact is
essential for babies, Gemma.
49
00:02:09,621 --> 00:02:11,661
Yeah, he didn't have a baby
with him!
50
00:02:11,661 --> 00:02:13,021
SHE GASPS
51
00:02:13,021 --> 00:02:14,261
He's coming over.
52
00:02:14,261 --> 00:02:16,461
Oh, my God! What do I look?
Give me the baby.
53
00:02:16,461 --> 00:02:18,501
Give me the baby. No, you take the
baby. No, I'll take the baby....
54
00:02:18,501 --> 00:02:19,621
- No, you take...
- Shush.
55
00:02:19,621 --> 00:02:21,341
- Hi.
- Hi.
56
00:02:21,341 --> 00:02:24,181
I used to bring my twins
to all your sessions,
57
00:02:24,181 --> 00:02:27,261
but they've started school now,
so I can't bring them any more.
58
00:02:27,261 --> 00:02:28,621
Little bastards.
59
00:02:28,621 --> 00:02:29,901
Aww...
60
00:02:31,061 --> 00:02:32,461
- I love babies, me.
- Oh!
61
00:02:32,461 --> 00:02:35,821
Yeah, and I love women who
carry babies.
62
00:02:35,821 --> 00:02:38,861
There's something about the female
body after childbirth that...
63
00:02:40,341 --> 00:02:41,621
..I just find...
64
00:02:41,621 --> 00:02:43,101
HE SIGHS
65
00:02:43,101 --> 00:02:44,701
..intoxicating.
66
00:02:44,701 --> 00:02:45,941
Oh...
67
00:02:51,381 --> 00:02:52,661
Oh, my God.
68
00:02:52,661 --> 00:02:54,141
I know.
69
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,301
I love him.
70
00:02:56,581 --> 00:02:59,101
I baked you these!
HE CHUCKLES
71
00:02:59,101 --> 00:03:02,341
It's from a Paul Hollywood recipe,
you know, not one by a woman!
72
00:03:02,341 --> 00:03:03,701
Yeah, I'll try one later.
73
00:03:03,701 --> 00:03:06,261
So, Malcy, are you busy on Friday?
74
00:03:06,261 --> 00:03:08,941
- Evening? No.
- How do you know?
75
00:03:08,941 --> 00:03:11,181
Malcolm, the day you have
Friday night plans,
76
00:03:11,181 --> 00:03:13,341
is the day
I can finally hold my umbrella up,
77
00:03:13,341 --> 00:03:16,341
float off into the sky to find
some other pathetic loser
78
00:03:16,341 --> 00:03:18,861
to teach in the ways of being
a great bloke.
79
00:03:18,861 --> 00:03:20,221
OK, fair enough.
80
00:03:20,221 --> 00:03:21,701
Friday morning. Early.
81
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:24,821
Oh, I'm not sneaking you out
of a hotel without paying again.
82
00:03:24,821 --> 00:03:27,581
Took days, last time,
for my anxious tummy to recover.
83
00:03:27,581 --> 00:03:31,301
The Jag needs a service
and the only place I trust with her,
84
00:03:31,301 --> 00:03:34,101
is a 50-minute drive
into the Peak District.
85
00:03:34,101 --> 00:03:35,981
Thought you might like to tag along.
86
00:03:35,981 --> 00:03:37,341
Can I think about it?
87
00:03:37,341 --> 00:03:38,861
Nope, doesn't need to.
88
00:03:38,861 --> 00:03:40,101
We're in.
89
00:03:40,101 --> 00:03:41,221
Great.
90
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,981
We should have done something
like this years ago, Malcy.
91
00:03:43,981 --> 00:03:45,861
Me and you, the open road,
92
00:03:45,861 --> 00:03:48,021
your pet pillock in the back...
93
00:03:51,021 --> 00:03:52,261
Hey...
94
00:03:52,261 --> 00:03:53,581
ROCKY CHUCKLES
95
00:03:54,941 --> 00:03:55,981
Mmm...
96
00:03:57,141 --> 00:03:58,981
Can I have a word?
97
00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:04,901
Yeah.
98
00:04:04,901 --> 00:04:07,261
I just... I can't stop
thinking about you.
99
00:04:07,261 --> 00:04:09,021
We met three minutes ago.
100
00:04:09,021 --> 00:04:10,301
HE CHUCKLES
101
00:04:10,301 --> 00:04:12,981
Are you trying to tell me you
haven't had half the mums in here?
102
00:04:12,981 --> 00:04:15,181
No, I never mix business with
pleasure.
103
00:04:16,581 --> 00:04:18,741
And you...
104
00:04:18,741 --> 00:04:20,741
..are all business.
105
00:04:21,941 --> 00:04:25,541
You see, only the ripest ladies
make their way to Rocky's bed.
106
00:04:25,541 --> 00:04:28,101
How ripe am I, exactly?
107
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,981
- You know when a banana's gone
really, really brown?
- Mm-hm.
108
00:04:30,981 --> 00:04:33,261
That...ripe.
109
00:04:35,741 --> 00:04:37,221
HE EXHALES
110
00:04:37,221 --> 00:04:40,061
So, can I get your number?
111
00:04:40,061 --> 00:04:41,461
Hmm?
112
00:04:41,461 --> 00:04:42,541
Rocky?
113
00:04:42,541 --> 00:04:44,661
Mm-hm...
114
00:04:44,661 --> 00:04:46,301
She is your baby.
115
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:50,421
I don't know why
you keep pretending she's not.
116
00:04:50,421 --> 00:04:53,021
- Ah...
- Are you going to throw us
out on the street again?
117
00:04:53,021 --> 00:04:56,781
ALL MURMUR
What do you expect us to do, Rocky?
118
00:04:56,781 --> 00:04:58,781
You're her dad!
119
00:04:58,781 --> 00:05:00,261
WOMEN GASP
120
00:05:00,261 --> 00:05:01,781
Rocky?
121
00:05:01,781 --> 00:05:03,501
You said you loved me, Rocky!
122
00:05:03,501 --> 00:05:05,581
I don't know...
I don't know this woman!
123
00:05:07,021 --> 00:05:08,341
What?
124
00:05:09,461 --> 00:05:14,221
So, I've just checked my schedule,
and the Peak District is a go-go!
125
00:05:14,221 --> 00:05:15,901
You know what this means, don't you?
126
00:05:15,901 --> 00:05:20,141
- Lads on tour!
- Lads on tour!
127
00:05:20,141 --> 00:05:22,821
Malcolm in the back!
Derek in the front!
128
00:05:22,821 --> 00:05:25,221
- No, I should be in the front!
- Shut the fuck up!
129
00:05:25,221 --> 00:05:28,181
Alphas in the front,
betas in the back.
130
00:05:28,181 --> 00:05:32,061
We don't like sigmas,
they go in the boot!
131
00:05:32,061 --> 00:05:34,141
Oh, come on. Cheer up, Malcolm.
132
00:05:34,141 --> 00:05:37,301
We're getting to spend time with
your awesome dad. Look at him.
133
00:05:37,301 --> 00:05:39,261
He's so cool.
134
00:05:39,261 --> 00:05:42,701
- He's not, though, is he?
- He fucking
is! I think I'm in love with him.
135
00:05:42,701 --> 00:05:45,461
- I'd probably kiss him if he asked
me.
- He's a conman and a...
136
00:05:45,461 --> 00:05:46,901
..and a womaniser.
137
00:05:46,901 --> 00:05:50,181
Oh, someone lobbed THAT apple very
far from the tree, didn't they!
138
00:05:51,421 --> 00:05:54,021
All right, so he was
a bit of a dick in the past,
139
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:56,021
but it feels like this road trip is
his way
140
00:05:56,021 --> 00:05:57,461
of trying to reconnect with you.
141
00:05:57,461 --> 00:06:00,221
- You know, like a bit of
father-son bonding.
- Do you think so?
142
00:06:00,221 --> 00:06:01,661
Definitely, mate.
143
00:06:01,661 --> 00:06:03,741
So, why are YOU coming?
144
00:06:03,741 --> 00:06:05,941
Cos it's a really cool
fucking car, Malcolm!
145
00:06:05,941 --> 00:06:08,501
I want to ride in a really cool car.
146
00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:10,821
Jesus!
147
00:06:10,821 --> 00:06:12,501
My God! It was a joke!
148
00:06:13,781 --> 00:06:15,701
You humiliated Rocky.
149
00:06:15,701 --> 00:06:18,421
He's told the library he's never
going back after what you just did.
150
00:06:18,421 --> 00:06:21,381
He's a creep who
charges 15 quid to sing at babies!
151
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,941
- And takes his top off!
- Yeah.
152
00:06:23,941 --> 00:06:26,221
Are you telling me you really
enjoy all that namaste shit?
153
00:06:26,221 --> 00:06:27,781
I do, actually!
154
00:06:27,781 --> 00:06:29,861
Loads of the mums do.
155
00:06:29,861 --> 00:06:32,141
God, you are so judgmental.
156
00:06:32,141 --> 00:06:34,741
And you are overreacting!
157
00:06:34,741 --> 00:06:36,781
My God, what's going on with you?
158
00:06:39,261 --> 00:06:42,581
Lance has filed for a divorce.
159
00:06:42,581 --> 00:06:44,621
Babe...
160
00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:47,021
Means he's never coming back.
161
00:06:47,021 --> 00:06:48,701
Do you want him back?
162
00:06:48,701 --> 00:06:51,661
Well, I didn't want to be
a divorced mum of two at 25.
163
00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:54,261
Widowed...fine.
164
00:06:55,821 --> 00:06:57,341
I'm so sorry.
165
00:06:57,341 --> 00:07:00,061
I just wanted to get
dressed up and have fun
166
00:07:00,061 --> 00:07:02,461
and watch a man get his nips out,
167
00:07:02,461 --> 00:07:05,141
but you've ruined that cos Rocky's
never going back again.
168
00:07:06,541 --> 00:07:07,861
SHE SCOFFS
169
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:09,341
How can I fix this?
170
00:07:09,341 --> 00:07:10,901
Work it out for yourself.
171
00:07:16,581 --> 00:07:18,581
Oh, look at that view, eh!
172
00:07:18,581 --> 00:07:20,901
Makes you glad to be alive,
doesn't it, Dad?
173
00:07:20,901 --> 00:07:22,581
Malcolm, shut up.
174
00:07:23,621 --> 00:07:25,501
Why did you need me
so urgently?
175
00:07:25,501 --> 00:07:27,701
- Is this about your appeal?
- No.
176
00:07:28,941 --> 00:07:30,021
I've decided...
177
00:07:31,861 --> 00:07:33,821
..I'm going to have one of them.
178
00:07:35,181 --> 00:07:36,461
No, right, listen,
179
00:07:36,461 --> 00:07:40,101
they've got a really cushty
mother-and-baby unit here.
180
00:07:40,101 --> 00:07:44,181
I'm talking single-occupancy cell,
en suite.
181
00:07:44,181 --> 00:07:45,781
No bars.
182
00:07:45,781 --> 00:07:48,381
- Mother-flipping A-game.
- Hmm.
183
00:07:48,381 --> 00:07:50,661
And how are you going to get
pregnant in prison?
184
00:07:50,661 --> 00:07:54,941
You're assuming that none
of the women in here have penises.
185
00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:57,021
OK, JK Rowling.
186
00:07:57,021 --> 00:07:59,381
OK, fair enough....
187
00:07:59,381 --> 00:08:02,861
Wait, no, that's a terrible idea,
no matter whose penis it is.
188
00:08:02,861 --> 00:08:04,221
Gemma...!
189
00:08:04,221 --> 00:08:05,701
SHE LAUGHS
190
00:08:05,701 --> 00:08:08,381
I'm going to have a baby with Gary.
191
00:08:08,381 --> 00:08:10,621
We've rekindled our relationship.
192
00:08:10,621 --> 00:08:14,501
God, you paid someone to push him
off a fire escape.
193
00:08:14,501 --> 00:08:16,221
Yes, I did,
194
00:08:16,221 --> 00:08:20,501
and it is amazing what that kind
of experience can do for a person.
195
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:24,781
Yeah, he is much less pathetic,
boring and needy.
196
00:08:24,781 --> 00:08:26,981
Gary is great now.
197
00:08:26,981 --> 00:08:30,381
He is actually...quite hot.
198
00:08:30,381 --> 00:08:32,821
- Right, well, good for you.
- Thanks.
199
00:08:32,821 --> 00:08:35,421
And where do you plan on...
You know?
200
00:08:35,421 --> 00:08:37,781
Well, this is where I need you to
come up with a plan
201
00:08:37,781 --> 00:08:39,501
to get me some day release.
202
00:08:39,501 --> 00:08:40,741
And how am I going to do that?
203
00:08:40,741 --> 00:08:44,741
I was actually thinking, maybe,
you could have...
204
00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:46,661
..a pretend wedding...
205
00:08:46,661 --> 00:08:49,061
No! I've got it!
206
00:08:49,061 --> 00:08:50,661
Fake funeral.
207
00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:53,701
You're an idiot.
208
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:56,941
Well, I'm not the reason that
Rocky had to quit Rhyme Time.
209
00:08:56,941 --> 00:08:59,621
- How the hell do you know about
that?!
- I told you,
210
00:08:59,621 --> 00:09:02,621
I've been hanging out
with "The Mums",
211
00:09:02,621 --> 00:09:05,061
and those bitches talk.
212
00:09:08,901 --> 00:09:11,581
Jackie Moscrip!
MECHANIC LAUGHS
213
00:09:11,581 --> 00:09:13,501
Heard you were back in town.
214
00:09:13,501 --> 00:09:16,861
What, the doctor's taking another
look under your bonnet?
215
00:09:16,861 --> 00:09:18,501
Just visiting...
216
00:09:18,501 --> 00:09:20,501
..with these two morons.
217
00:09:20,501 --> 00:09:22,501
Don't you worry about this beaut,
pal.
218
00:09:23,901 --> 00:09:25,941
Yeah, she'll be purring like a
kitten
219
00:09:25,941 --> 00:09:27,861
by the time I've
had my way with her.
220
00:09:27,861 --> 00:09:30,141
Definitely going to
rub his knob on the car.
221
00:09:30,141 --> 00:09:32,861
Right, lads, time for some fun.
222
00:09:32,861 --> 00:09:35,101
It's up to you to get us
back to Stockport
223
00:09:35,101 --> 00:09:36,821
while the Jag's in the garage.
224
00:09:36,821 --> 00:09:40,381
- Well, we can do that, no problem,
Dad!
- Can I borrow a hammer?
225
00:09:40,381 --> 00:09:42,101
Easy. Just call an Uber.
226
00:09:47,261 --> 00:09:48,901
JACKIE GRUNTS, MALCOLM GASPS
227
00:09:48,901 --> 00:09:52,461
- What the fuck, Jackie?
I'm on SIM only!
- Phone.
228
00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:54,941
Obviously, don't give him your
phone, Malcolm.
229
00:09:54,941 --> 00:09:56,901
You're not going to smash it,
are you, Dad?
230
00:09:56,901 --> 00:09:58,301
Don't you trust me, son?
231
00:10:01,661 --> 00:10:02,941
HE GRUNTS
232
00:10:05,341 --> 00:10:06,661
I knew you'd do that!
233
00:10:06,661 --> 00:10:07,821
Right.
234
00:10:07,821 --> 00:10:11,501
I want you two to get us
back home using your smarts,
235
00:10:11,501 --> 00:10:12,981
your ingenuity,
236
00:10:12,981 --> 00:10:14,901
your survival skills.
237
00:10:14,901 --> 00:10:17,141
- We haven't got any of them!
- No phones.
238
00:10:17,141 --> 00:10:19,461
Phones have infantilised us.
239
00:10:19,461 --> 00:10:21,621
Real men don't need phones.
240
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,741
All of my bank cards are on my
phone, you fucking maniac!
241
00:10:24,741 --> 00:10:27,341
Yeah, and he pays for everything,
so I didn't bring any money!
242
00:10:27,341 --> 00:10:30,781
Was this your plan all along, eh?
To keep us stranded on the Peaks?
243
00:10:30,781 --> 00:10:33,261
Your grandad once left me at the
top of Scafell Pike
244
00:10:33,261 --> 00:10:37,821
with nothing but a compass, three
shilling and some woodbines,
245
00:10:37,821 --> 00:10:39,661
and that was the making of me.
246
00:10:41,821 --> 00:10:45,261
Yeah, the making of you into a
massive arsehole. Am I right, king?
247
00:10:45,261 --> 00:10:46,421
No.
248
00:10:46,421 --> 00:10:47,701
No, this is good.
249
00:10:47,701 --> 00:10:49,421
I can prove myself to him.
250
00:10:50,581 --> 00:10:52,261
Come on! We can do this!
251
00:11:12,381 --> 00:11:14,781
- PHONE RINGS
- Oh, get that, will you, Gemma?
252
00:11:14,781 --> 00:11:17,741
Rita, I'm on maternity leave.
253
00:11:17,741 --> 00:11:20,741
I'm not asking you to pick it up
with your fanny! Please!
254
00:11:20,741 --> 00:11:24,181
Oh, I just wish that my best ever
salon girlie
255
00:11:24,181 --> 00:11:26,261
might come back to work...
256
00:11:26,261 --> 00:11:27,941
..maybe a few weeks early?
257
00:11:27,941 --> 00:11:30,301
Don't let her rush you, Gemma love.
258
00:11:30,301 --> 00:11:32,261
That baby'll be a middle-aged woman
259
00:11:32,261 --> 00:11:35,261
throwing bricks through
windows before you know it!
260
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:36,821
How is your Margaret?
261
00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:39,661
Oh, the ankle tag's made
a world of difference.
262
00:11:39,661 --> 00:11:42,941
- How's my little cherub doing?
- Yeah, she's OK.
263
00:11:42,941 --> 00:11:45,341
She had a bit of a cold this week
but she's perking up now.
264
00:11:45,341 --> 00:11:48,861
- No, I meant Malcolm.
- Oh. He's in
the Peak District with Grandad,
265
00:11:48,861 --> 00:11:50,861
which is why I need you to look
after Sadie for me.
266
00:11:50,861 --> 00:11:52,301
Oh, no! I hope he's OK.
267
00:11:52,301 --> 00:11:54,741
You need to be very careful in the
Peak District.
268
00:11:54,741 --> 00:11:57,501
- Well, there's no ice. I checked
before they went.
- Not ice.
269
00:11:57,501 --> 00:12:00,981
I once saw a roadkill monkey whilst
driving through the Peak District,
270
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:04,181
and I've found the whole area
deeply unsettling ever since.
271
00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:06,181
- A roadkill monkey?
- Yeah.
272
00:12:06,181 --> 00:12:08,501
It obviously escaped from one
of the science labs.
273
00:12:08,501 --> 00:12:10,821
Who knows what experiments
had been done to it
274
00:12:10,821 --> 00:12:13,261
and what things it had seen?
275
00:12:13,261 --> 00:12:14,941
What intelligence it possessed...
276
00:12:14,941 --> 00:12:17,701
- I mean it might have been
trying to get help.
- Oh...
277
00:12:17,701 --> 00:12:19,661
Yeah.
278
00:12:19,661 --> 00:12:21,701
I often think about that
little monkey.
279
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:26,341
- OK. I'll be back in an hour.
- Mm...
280
00:12:26,341 --> 00:12:28,501
Do not touch my baby's hair!
281
00:12:30,141 --> 00:12:31,421
Spoilsport.
282
00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:39,661
Maybe... Maybe we
should get a map or something, eh?
283
00:12:39,661 --> 00:12:41,461
Show him that we're making an
effort.
284
00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:43,181
You make loads of effort,
Malcolm.
285
00:12:43,181 --> 00:12:46,181
You clean his flat once a week,
you cook, you do his laundry,
286
00:12:46,181 --> 00:12:49,101
and you mainly do this
while HE is out shagging!
287
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:50,501
All right.
288
00:12:50,501 --> 00:12:51,941
JACKIE COUGHS
Hey, are you all right, Dad?
289
00:12:51,941 --> 00:12:55,221
Maybe we should just use your
mobile, eh, and phone for a taxi?
290
00:12:55,221 --> 00:12:58,941
Are you giving up already, son?
I left my phone at home,
291
00:12:58,941 --> 00:13:00,941
and I haven't got any cash on me.
292
00:13:00,941 --> 00:13:04,541
We have been walking for an hour,
we're totally fucking lost,
293
00:13:04,541 --> 00:13:06,661
- and Malcolm is missing a boot.
- Yeah, well,
294
00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:09,501
I had to throw something to distract
that bull, didn't I?!
295
00:13:11,941 --> 00:13:13,221
Maps!
296
00:13:13,221 --> 00:13:14,701
They've got maps!
297
00:13:14,701 --> 00:13:16,621
Wait, it's shut? Why is it shut?
Why is it fucking shut?!
298
00:13:16,621 --> 00:13:18,981
It's not even lunchtime?
It not even lunchtime!
299
00:13:18,981 --> 00:13:21,221
Open up you lazy,
work-shy, country, wanking...
300
00:13:21,221 --> 00:13:24,501
- Hey! Hey! This one's open.
- Oh...
301
00:13:28,581 --> 00:13:30,181
SHOP BELL TINKLES
Morning.
302
00:13:31,541 --> 00:13:33,061
Hello, er...
303
00:13:34,301 --> 00:13:36,141
- ..we're looking for a map.
- Oh, yes.
304
00:13:36,141 --> 00:13:38,221
We've got lots of maps.
What area do you want?
305
00:13:38,221 --> 00:13:41,781
Um, this area that we're currently
and presently located in?
306
00:13:41,781 --> 00:13:44,141
Aye. Bit lost, are you?
307
00:13:44,141 --> 00:13:46,421
Why the fuck would we need a map
if we weren't lost?
308
00:13:46,421 --> 00:13:49,421
Well, most people buy
a map BEFORE they get lost.
309
00:13:49,421 --> 00:13:50,981
CHUCKLING
310
00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:54,381
- There you go.
- Thank you.
311
00:13:55,981 --> 00:13:58,101
- Do you know how to read a map?
- I'm 35, Malcolm,
312
00:13:58,101 --> 00:14:00,141
I've literally never used
a map in my entire life.
313
00:14:00,141 --> 00:14:03,541
- You're 35?!
- Do YOU know how to read a map?
314
00:14:03,541 --> 00:14:05,581
Davina read all
the maps in our house.
315
00:14:06,741 --> 00:14:08,221
We don't know how to read a map.
316
00:14:08,221 --> 00:14:10,861
The art of map-reading
is a long-forgotten skill.
317
00:14:10,861 --> 00:14:13,501
Hmm, you don't fucking say.
Can Jackie read maps?
318
00:14:13,501 --> 00:14:15,541
Yes, he can.
He can do anything, can't he?
319
00:14:15,541 --> 00:14:16,941
Cash or card?
320
00:14:16,941 --> 00:14:19,781
Oh, good questi-o-ny.
321
00:14:19,781 --> 00:14:21,541
Cash or... Run, Malcolm, RUN!
322
00:14:21,541 --> 00:14:22,741
SHOP BELL TINKLES
323
00:14:22,741 --> 00:14:24,301
I'm sorry!
324
00:14:25,821 --> 00:14:27,941
Run, Dad, run!
325
00:14:42,141 --> 00:14:44,901
- Yes?
- Hiya, is Rocky in?
326
00:14:44,901 --> 00:14:46,581
Ricky?
327
00:14:46,581 --> 00:14:50,581
No, he's not, he's at doctor's
having his anal fistulas looked at.
328
00:14:50,581 --> 00:14:52,061
You his girlfriend?
329
00:14:52,061 --> 00:14:53,261
No.
330
00:14:53,261 --> 00:14:55,701
In that case, do come in.
331
00:14:55,701 --> 00:14:58,301
I'm Sue, his mummy.
332
00:14:58,301 --> 00:14:59,701
Hi, Sue.
333
00:14:59,701 --> 00:15:03,341
Yeah, so many girls
come calling for my Ricky.
334
00:15:03,341 --> 00:15:06,181
The fistulas are my way
of testing 'em.
335
00:15:06,181 --> 00:15:07,661
Oh, so he doesn't have them?
336
00:15:07,661 --> 00:15:09,101
Oh, yeah, does, yeah.
337
00:15:09,101 --> 00:15:12,541
He's got loads and loads of them,
70% fistula.
338
00:15:12,541 --> 00:15:13,621
Ouch!
339
00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:15,221
And he's not very fond of babies,
340
00:15:15,221 --> 00:15:17,781
if you were thinking of having
one with him.
341
00:15:17,781 --> 00:15:20,621
Well, his whole brand
is "guy who loves kids"?
342
00:15:20,621 --> 00:15:21,901
He doesn't.
343
00:15:21,901 --> 00:15:23,221
Hates them.
344
00:15:23,221 --> 00:15:24,261
Right.
345
00:15:24,261 --> 00:15:26,341
And he's gay, actually.
346
00:15:26,341 --> 00:15:29,621
Won't go near a vulva, as much
as I've tried to convince him.
347
00:15:29,621 --> 00:15:31,381
DOOR CLOSES
Mummy!
348
00:15:31,381 --> 00:15:33,821
- I've hurt my finger on the door
again.
- Oh, darling.
349
00:15:33,821 --> 00:15:35,221
It's just there. Thank you.
350
00:15:37,621 --> 00:15:40,701
What do you want?
How did you find me address?
351
00:15:40,701 --> 00:15:42,661
I paid someone at the library.
352
00:15:42,661 --> 00:15:44,461
They don't give a shit about GDPR.
353
00:15:44,461 --> 00:15:46,261
And I brought you this...
354
00:15:46,261 --> 00:15:47,741
There's protein bars in there.
355
00:15:47,741 --> 00:15:50,381
I mean, I don't know what you like,
but assumed.
356
00:15:50,381 --> 00:15:53,101
Oh, well, um...
I'll leave you to it.
357
00:15:53,101 --> 00:15:54,341
Yeah.
358
00:15:54,341 --> 00:15:56,341
She seems lovely.
359
00:16:00,901 --> 00:16:02,381
Well?
360
00:16:02,381 --> 00:16:04,141
I came to apologise.
361
00:16:04,141 --> 00:16:06,541
Yeah, you were way out of line.
362
00:16:06,541 --> 00:16:08,381
- You were being sleazy.
- Oh!
363
00:16:08,381 --> 00:16:09,941
I wasn't being sleazy,
364
00:16:09,941 --> 00:16:11,461
I was being poetic...
365
00:16:12,621 --> 00:16:14,221
Ro... Romantic?
366
00:16:14,221 --> 00:16:16,741
Neither of those, I'm afraid.
367
00:16:16,741 --> 00:16:18,541
But I could have just said no.
368
00:16:20,381 --> 00:16:22,541
Please come back to the library.
369
00:16:22,541 --> 00:16:24,861
They all love you there.
370
00:16:26,821 --> 00:16:28,061
Did they say that?
371
00:16:29,461 --> 00:16:31,581
- That they love me!
- Yeah.
372
00:16:32,981 --> 00:16:34,781
Who said that?
373
00:16:34,781 --> 00:16:36,101
Everyone.
374
00:16:37,421 --> 00:16:39,341
Hmm. OK.
375
00:16:40,981 --> 00:16:44,741
I suppose you think I'm pathetic,
living with my mother?
376
00:16:44,741 --> 00:16:46,101
No.
377
00:16:46,101 --> 00:16:47,701
I live with my dad.
378
00:16:47,701 --> 00:16:49,221
Yeah, not forever, though?
379
00:16:49,221 --> 00:16:50,901
No, not forever.
380
00:16:50,901 --> 00:16:53,661
I bet he doesn't lie about
you having anal fistulas,
381
00:16:53,661 --> 00:16:56,301
so that you never find a partner,
and leave him.
382
00:16:56,301 --> 00:16:57,781
Does he do that?
383
00:16:57,781 --> 00:16:59,701
No.
384
00:16:59,701 --> 00:17:01,501
He does not do that.
385
00:17:21,181 --> 00:17:24,581
Can I have three singles
to the nearest town, please?
386
00:17:24,581 --> 00:17:27,261
- You need to download the app.
- Oh, right...
387
00:17:27,261 --> 00:17:30,141
- Oh, my fucking God, no!
- It's a cashless system.
388
00:17:30,141 --> 00:17:32,861
What would Bear Grylls do
if he had to get the bus?
389
00:17:32,861 --> 00:17:35,261
Bear Grylls doesn't get
the fucking bus, Jackie!
390
00:17:35,261 --> 00:17:37,221
- He'd pay with snails.
- Oh, my God.
391
00:17:37,221 --> 00:17:38,461
Can I pay you with snails?
392
00:17:38,461 --> 00:17:40,421
How about you just take this,
393
00:17:40,421 --> 00:17:43,501
and then, whatever's left you can
have it for yourself?
394
00:17:44,581 --> 00:17:46,461
Did you steal it?
395
00:17:46,461 --> 00:17:47,901
- Yeah.
- No.
396
00:17:49,421 --> 00:17:50,701
- OK.
- OK.
397
00:17:50,701 --> 00:17:52,941
OK. OK.
398
00:17:52,941 --> 00:17:54,781
Thanks. Here you go, eh?
399
00:17:56,261 --> 00:17:58,421
How long does it take?
400
00:17:58,421 --> 00:17:59,701
This is the stopping service.
401
00:17:59,701 --> 00:18:01,181
Be there in about two hours.
402
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:02,821
Oh, no!
403
00:18:02,821 --> 00:18:04,541
Oh, fucking no!
404
00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:07,701
I'm really hungry.
405
00:18:09,661 --> 00:18:12,701
Actually, son,
I've got some berries in my pocket.
406
00:18:12,701 --> 00:18:14,141
Don't eat the berries, Malcolm.
407
00:18:14,141 --> 00:18:15,741
Well, if Malcolm ate the berries,
408
00:18:15,741 --> 00:18:18,301
then the driver would have to call
an ambulance
409
00:18:18,301 --> 00:18:20,541
and that would take us
back to Stockport.
410
00:18:20,541 --> 00:18:22,341
You'd get us home...
411
00:18:22,341 --> 00:18:23,821
..and that would make me proud.
412
00:18:39,301 --> 00:18:43,061
HE RETCHES
413
00:18:46,741 --> 00:18:48,101
Spit them out! Come on.
414
00:18:48,101 --> 00:18:49,261
HE CHOKES
415
00:18:57,461 --> 00:19:00,061
I am really sorry
for not asking about Lance.
416
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:02,781
I know you are.
417
00:19:03,861 --> 00:19:05,861
It's just been a tough few months.
418
00:19:05,861 --> 00:19:08,381
Moving here, selling the house...
419
00:19:09,541 --> 00:19:11,501
Rocky holds space for me.
420
00:19:11,501 --> 00:19:13,621
Well, he's agreed to go
back to the library
421
00:19:13,621 --> 00:19:16,021
and I've got something which I think
might help
422
00:19:16,021 --> 00:19:18,261
make up for me being
such a terrible friend?
423
00:19:18,261 --> 00:19:19,941
Box of doughnuts and some Molly?
424
00:19:19,941 --> 00:19:21,181
Nope.
425
00:19:23,141 --> 00:19:24,901
A Rhyme Time Black Card.
CHERRY GASPS
426
00:19:26,261 --> 00:19:27,301
Yep.
427
00:19:27,301 --> 00:19:29,301
You can use it whenever you want.
428
00:19:29,301 --> 00:19:30,701
No entrance fees.
429
00:19:30,701 --> 00:19:32,021
No baby required.
430
00:19:32,021 --> 00:19:35,781
Oh, my God! I didn't think these
actually existed!
431
00:19:35,781 --> 00:19:37,621
Use it wisely.
432
00:19:37,621 --> 00:19:39,661
I'm going to use it all
the fucking time.
433
00:19:41,061 --> 00:19:43,541
It's not my fault, is it?
I just couldn't hold it in,
434
00:19:43,541 --> 00:19:45,301
and she wouldn't stop the bus.
435
00:19:45,301 --> 00:19:47,381
OK, shut up.
436
00:19:47,381 --> 00:19:52,021
According to the driver, the nearest
town is over there.
437
00:19:54,421 --> 00:19:55,901
JACKIE COUGHS
438
00:19:55,901 --> 00:19:57,821
Are you all right, Dad?
439
00:19:57,821 --> 00:19:59,821
- I'm fine. Stop fussing.
- Hey, are you sure?
440
00:19:59,821 --> 00:20:03,261
You look a bit pale. Unless, it's
your tan finally rubbing off?
441
00:20:03,261 --> 00:20:05,341
I said, "Stop fussing."
442
00:20:05,341 --> 00:20:07,741
Always...fussing.
443
00:20:07,741 --> 00:20:11,621
Cooking, doing me laundry,
cleaning...
444
00:20:11,621 --> 00:20:15,261
When did you ever see me
CLEAN anything?!
445
00:20:15,261 --> 00:20:18,941
It's like having another
bloody wife! Pathetic!
446
00:20:18,941 --> 00:20:21,341
Well, I just do those things
to help you, don't I?
447
00:20:21,341 --> 00:20:25,381
You could help me, Malcolm,
by being more of a man.
448
00:20:25,381 --> 00:20:27,421
That's all I wanted from today.
449
00:20:29,181 --> 00:20:31,221
I'm going for a piss.
450
00:20:31,221 --> 00:20:32,861
In a bush!
451
00:20:37,501 --> 00:20:39,141
Come here.
452
00:20:39,141 --> 00:20:40,461
Malcolm, at what point
453
00:20:40,461 --> 00:20:42,941
are you going to tell him to go fuck
himself?
454
00:20:42,941 --> 00:20:44,301
Never.
455
00:20:44,301 --> 00:20:47,821
As your bestest friend, I don't like
seeing other people belittle you,
456
00:20:47,821 --> 00:20:50,461
- especially not your father.
- Aww, thanks, mate.
457
00:20:50,461 --> 00:20:53,061
No! Just takes the shine off me
doing it.
458
00:20:53,061 --> 00:20:55,061
Just such a massive arsehole!
459
00:20:55,061 --> 00:20:56,261
Hey, what are you doing?
460
00:20:56,261 --> 00:20:57,381
You can't steal them.
461
00:20:58,981 --> 00:21:02,421
We're not stealing these kayaks,
Malcolm! They belong to me.
462
00:21:02,421 --> 00:21:03,741
I don't think they do...
463
00:21:03,741 --> 00:21:05,541
HE SHUSHES
They're mine.
464
00:21:09,301 --> 00:21:11,621
They were mine all along.
465
00:21:11,621 --> 00:21:13,141
Grab an oar, king.
466
00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:17,181
We're going on a friendship
adventure.
467
00:21:17,181 --> 00:21:18,461
Dad?!
468
00:21:20,661 --> 00:21:23,541
We'd be going faster
if you could paddle, Dad.
469
00:21:23,541 --> 00:21:25,861
I'm not paddling.
470
00:21:25,861 --> 00:21:28,381
Yeah, and just how did you think
we were going to get home, Jackie?
471
00:21:28,381 --> 00:21:29,861
Steal a car?
472
00:21:29,861 --> 00:21:31,861
Seduce a woman?
473
00:21:31,861 --> 00:21:36,861
Get dropped off by a taxi near the
flat and run off without paying?
474
00:21:36,861 --> 00:21:39,061
That's... That's not a bad idea,
actually.
475
00:21:39,061 --> 00:21:41,861
Leave it to Malcy,
and the day's a disaster.
476
00:21:43,901 --> 00:21:45,461
Is that a phone...?
477
00:21:45,461 --> 00:21:49,101
You had a phone the entire time?!
Fucking hypocrite!
478
00:21:49,101 --> 00:21:53,821
You're pathetic, Malcolm.
No wonder Gemma wants out.
479
00:21:53,821 --> 00:21:56,381
- What?
- Yeah, 'course she does.
480
00:21:56,381 --> 00:21:59,021
She might not say it, but she does.
481
00:21:59,021 --> 00:22:02,741
Yeah, she only lets you live with
her because she feels sorry for you,
482
00:22:02,741 --> 00:22:07,021
- but nobody wants their kid's pity.
- Jesus, Jackie, that's a bit harsh!
483
00:22:07,021 --> 00:22:10,021
Yeah, I'm not interested in anything
you've got to say either!
484
00:22:11,541 --> 00:22:16,261
She deserves a lot better than being
stuck with her useless dad.
485
00:22:16,261 --> 00:22:18,141
You're in her way!
486
00:22:21,661 --> 00:22:23,581
Fuck you, Jackie Moscrip!
487
00:22:23,581 --> 00:22:26,261
You've been an awful father
to me all my life!
488
00:22:26,261 --> 00:22:29,221
Well, the little time you've
spent in it anyway!
489
00:22:29,221 --> 00:22:32,021
And you know what, I pity you.
490
00:22:33,101 --> 00:22:36,221
Yeah, I pity you,
living on your own,
491
00:22:36,221 --> 00:22:39,421
conning everyone you come
into contact with!
492
00:22:39,421 --> 00:22:42,981
Your friends, your family,
your girlfriends! Yeah!
493
00:22:42,981 --> 00:22:46,381
Well, my kids want to be near me,
because they like me.
494
00:22:46,381 --> 00:22:47,981
Yeah, at least one of them does.
495
00:22:47,981 --> 00:22:51,301
You know, I love you, Dad,
but I don't like you.
496
00:22:51,301 --> 00:22:54,061
So, if you want to be with us -
497
00:22:54,061 --> 00:22:56,381
with me, and Gemma and Sadie,
498
00:22:56,381 --> 00:22:58,621
then things have got to change,
do you understand?
499
00:23:00,941 --> 00:23:02,781
Hey!
WIND WHISTLES
500
00:23:02,781 --> 00:23:03,941
Malcolm?
501
00:23:05,221 --> 00:23:06,461
Dad?
502
00:23:08,181 --> 00:23:09,381
Malcolm...
503
00:23:11,621 --> 00:23:12,821
Dad!
504
00:23:17,541 --> 00:23:19,061
Oh, fuck...
505
00:23:20,101 --> 00:23:23,741
I love Rita, but I can't sweep up
hair until the day she dies
506
00:23:23,741 --> 00:23:25,981
when I'll finally get a go
on the scissors.
507
00:23:25,981 --> 00:23:29,141
Well, my career plan is to take
Lance to the fucking cleaners.
508
00:23:29,141 --> 00:23:31,941
- Cheating arsehole.
- Good plan!
509
00:23:31,941 --> 00:23:33,821
SHE CHUCKLES, MOBILE VIBRATES
510
00:23:34,861 --> 00:23:36,101
Grandad?
511
00:23:38,421 --> 00:23:40,541
Derek?
512
00:23:44,341 --> 00:23:46,181
MALCOLM SOBS
513
00:23:53,981 --> 00:23:55,341
I killed him...!
514
00:23:55,341 --> 00:23:56,821
No, you didn't, Malcolm.
515
00:23:56,821 --> 00:23:59,701
The paramedic said
it was heart attack.
516
00:23:59,701 --> 00:24:02,221
- Because
I shouted at him.
- No.
517
00:24:02,221 --> 00:24:03,741
It...
518
00:24:03,741 --> 00:24:06,381
You know what, silver lining,
519
00:24:06,381 --> 00:24:07,821
he was probably already dead
520
00:24:07,821 --> 00:24:10,661
before you dropped your
long-withheld truth bomb.
521
00:24:11,901 --> 00:24:13,981
- Well, that's even worse!
- I know, that's terrible.
522
00:24:13,981 --> 00:24:16,181
- Why would you say that?!
- Pretend I didn't say...
523
00:24:16,181 --> 00:24:17,501
Oh, Gem!
524
00:24:17,501 --> 00:24:19,021
- I'm here.
- Oh, God...
525
00:24:19,021 --> 00:24:20,341
Oh...
526
00:24:23,061 --> 00:24:24,901
What? I'm sad, as well!
527
00:24:24,901 --> 00:24:27,821
I had to prise his fucking eyes
open to unlock the phone!
528
00:24:27,821 --> 00:24:30,061
Jesus Christ!
529
00:24:30,061 --> 00:24:31,661
Thank you.
530
00:24:31,661 --> 00:24:34,741
MALCOLM SOBS
38576
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