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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,821 --> 00:00:08,341 PHONE VIBRATES 2 00:00:08,341 --> 00:00:10,141 Try and keep him up here. 3 00:00:12,981 --> 00:00:14,421 And that. 4 00:00:25,381 --> 00:00:27,381 Sadie... 5 00:00:27,381 --> 00:00:29,701 Oh, fucking hell. 6 00:00:32,061 --> 00:00:34,221 PHONE VIBRATES Go away! 7 00:00:34,221 --> 00:00:36,341 Ah! 8 00:00:37,621 --> 00:00:40,741 Not a fan of the squishy banana, then? 9 00:00:42,741 --> 00:00:44,341 Sadie! 10 00:00:47,861 --> 00:00:50,461 PHONE VIBRATES 11 00:01:01,381 --> 00:01:03,541 You look like you could do with a break. 12 00:01:03,541 --> 00:01:06,381 Had a lovely rest when I had that filling done last month, 13 00:01:06,381 --> 00:01:07,741 so I'm all good. 14 00:01:07,741 --> 00:01:11,901 Well, I've got a surprise for you! 15 00:01:11,901 --> 00:01:13,901 Have you booked me in for a root canal? 16 00:01:13,901 --> 00:01:16,901 The three of us are going away for the weekend. 17 00:01:16,901 --> 00:01:18,501 What?! 18 00:01:18,501 --> 00:01:19,941 Dad! 19 00:01:19,941 --> 00:01:21,341 PHONE VIBRATES 20 00:01:23,181 --> 00:01:24,741 For God's sake! 21 00:01:24,741 --> 00:01:26,261 Who is this? What do you want? 22 00:01:26,261 --> 00:01:27,421 Gem? 23 00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:28,501 Grandad Jackie? 24 00:01:28,501 --> 00:01:31,941 You still living in that little flat, ground floor? 25 00:01:31,941 --> 00:01:33,981 Yeah. Why? 26 00:01:33,981 --> 00:01:35,741 KNOCK AT DOOR 27 00:01:37,821 --> 00:01:39,941 Gemma! 28 00:01:39,941 --> 00:01:41,661 - Grandad. - Dad? 29 00:01:41,661 --> 00:01:43,821 Ugh, Malcolm. 30 00:01:43,821 --> 00:01:45,301 Have you put on weight, son? 31 00:01:49,941 --> 00:01:53,341 So, er, why are you back, Dad? 32 00:01:53,341 --> 00:01:56,101 Finally made your way through all the women in the Costa Brava? 33 00:01:56,101 --> 00:01:58,701 I'm on the run from the Spanish mafia 34 00:01:58,701 --> 00:02:01,741 after getting myself mixed up in a casino heist. 35 00:02:01,741 --> 00:02:05,901 I wanted to see my beautiful great-granddaughter! 36 00:02:05,901 --> 00:02:09,061 Yes, I did! Yes, I did! 37 00:02:09,061 --> 00:02:10,941 Dad, I think I'm going to move these boxes, 38 00:02:10,941 --> 00:02:12,701 cos I don't want them falling on Sadie, you know. 39 00:02:12,701 --> 00:02:13,741 Is that all right with you? 40 00:02:13,741 --> 00:02:15,581 Don't be so bloody wet, Malcolm. 41 00:02:15,581 --> 00:02:18,221 I need to keep them here because there's no room 42 00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:20,581 in that tiny little wank pad I'm renting. 43 00:02:20,581 --> 00:02:23,981 Oh, well, you can borrow the flat when we go away. Oh... 44 00:02:23,981 --> 00:02:25,021 Away? 45 00:02:25,021 --> 00:02:27,781 We're just, er... You know, just having a bit of a break. 46 00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:29,421 - You know, just... - Where are we going? 47 00:02:29,421 --> 00:02:31,341 No, there's not a lot of room, Dad, you know, so we're just... 48 00:02:31,341 --> 00:02:33,661 HE COUGHS VIOLENTLY 49 00:02:33,661 --> 00:02:36,861 Sorry... CONTINUES COUGHING 50 00:02:38,261 --> 00:02:41,021 I-I'll be fine on my own. 51 00:02:41,021 --> 00:02:43,101 Could you just give me my bag? 52 00:02:43,101 --> 00:02:44,541 - Yeah. - I need my pills. 53 00:02:46,181 --> 00:02:48,461 There you go, Grandad. 54 00:02:48,461 --> 00:02:50,021 Thanks. 55 00:02:50,021 --> 00:02:52,941 Dad! Is it really such a bad idea him coming with us? 56 00:02:52,941 --> 00:02:55,021 Yes, it's the worst idea you've ever had. 57 00:02:57,501 --> 00:02:59,181 OK, OK, God, I'll just... 58 00:02:59,181 --> 00:03:01,581 - I'll think about it, all right? - OK. 59 00:03:01,581 --> 00:03:02,981 No, that tea's stone-cold. 60 00:03:02,981 --> 00:03:05,301 Hey, let me get you some water, Dad. 61 00:03:05,301 --> 00:03:07,221 Water's disgusting, Malcy. 62 00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:10,301 I'm not wasting the last years of my life drinking water. 63 00:03:10,301 --> 00:03:11,981 Grandad, water's not disgusting. 64 00:03:11,981 --> 00:03:13,941 It doesn't taste of anything. It's water. 65 00:03:13,941 --> 00:03:15,581 Disgusting. 66 00:03:15,581 --> 00:03:17,061 You staying for dinner? 67 00:03:17,061 --> 00:03:18,421 Depends who's cooking. 68 00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,221 Mrs Malcy? 69 00:03:22,221 --> 00:03:23,381 No chance. 70 00:03:23,381 --> 00:03:24,541 Hey! 71 00:03:24,541 --> 00:03:26,901 Dad actually makes really normal food these days. 72 00:03:26,901 --> 00:03:28,941 I could rattle up a spanakopita. 73 00:03:28,941 --> 00:03:32,461 I don't know what the fuck that is, Malcolm, but I am not eating it. 74 00:03:37,381 --> 00:03:39,981 So what's the deal with the boxes? 75 00:03:39,981 --> 00:03:41,941 It's a new business venture. 76 00:03:41,941 --> 00:03:46,741 Europe's old news - I'm exploring the UK market once again. 77 00:03:46,741 --> 00:03:49,341 Actually, I was wondering if you might like to come in 78 00:03:49,341 --> 00:03:50,821 on this one, Malcy. 79 00:03:50,821 --> 00:03:54,421 I've always thought we'd make great business partners. 80 00:03:54,421 --> 00:03:55,541 Me? 81 00:03:55,541 --> 00:03:56,901 Hm. 82 00:03:56,901 --> 00:03:58,981 Yeah, well, I... could be interested. 83 00:03:58,981 --> 00:04:00,781 Dad, you don't even know what it is! 84 00:04:00,781 --> 00:04:02,821 Well, it doesn't matter, does it? 85 00:04:02,821 --> 00:04:04,141 What is it? 86 00:04:04,141 --> 00:04:07,381 It's an energy drink for ladies called... 87 00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:09,621 ..Shoes. 88 00:04:09,621 --> 00:04:11,621 Why is it called Shoes? 89 00:04:11,621 --> 00:04:13,181 Ladies like shoes, don't they? 90 00:04:13,181 --> 00:04:15,341 - Ah. - You see, you buy all these cans from me, 91 00:04:15,341 --> 00:04:17,821 becoming the key member of my sales team, 92 00:04:17,821 --> 00:04:19,621 and you sell them on again at a profit, 93 00:04:19,621 --> 00:04:21,021 and I get some of your money, 94 00:04:21,021 --> 00:04:25,301 and you get paid by your sales team when they sell them on again. 95 00:04:25,301 --> 00:04:27,381 Wouldn't it easier just to sell it to a shop? 96 00:04:27,381 --> 00:04:29,261 No. No, Malcolm, never. 97 00:04:29,261 --> 00:04:31,181 You must never, ever sell them to a shop. 98 00:04:31,181 --> 00:04:32,461 Oh, OK, yeah. 99 00:04:32,461 --> 00:04:34,261 You sell them to someone else, 100 00:04:34,261 --> 00:04:36,461 and they sell them to someone else, 101 00:04:36,461 --> 00:04:38,101 and that's how we get paid. 102 00:04:38,101 --> 00:04:39,581 So it's a pyramid scheme? 103 00:04:39,581 --> 00:04:41,301 Shh. I'm about to reel him in. 104 00:04:42,501 --> 00:04:44,301 Well, how much do you need? 105 00:04:44,301 --> 00:04:47,021 Dad! No. 106 00:04:47,021 --> 00:04:49,061 And you... 107 00:04:52,821 --> 00:04:56,301 He said he's here to see Sadie, but I know there's another reason. 108 00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,421 Do you think he, er... 109 00:05:01,421 --> 00:05:02,941 ..killed someone? 110 00:05:02,941 --> 00:05:04,861 No. He's not you. 111 00:05:04,861 --> 00:05:07,261 It'll be about a woman or a business deal. 112 00:05:07,261 --> 00:05:08,341 Or both. 113 00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:12,221 Oh... You think he hasn't paid up on an "indecent proposal"? 114 00:05:12,221 --> 00:05:15,421 I bet he owes a gangster 5,000 quid for shagging his wife. 115 00:05:15,421 --> 00:05:17,061 CATHERINE GASPS 116 00:05:17,061 --> 00:05:18,341 Oh! 117 00:05:18,341 --> 00:05:20,181 Hey, get him to visit me. 118 00:05:20,181 --> 00:05:22,621 Oh, Grandad was always my favourite. 119 00:05:22,621 --> 00:05:25,181 Course he was. He's a conman. 120 00:05:25,181 --> 00:05:27,101 As the only other criminal in the family, 121 00:05:27,101 --> 00:05:29,021 I can see why you guys have a lot in common. 122 00:05:29,021 --> 00:05:31,021 Hey, I bet Dad's not happy, though, is he? 123 00:05:31,021 --> 00:05:32,141 No. 124 00:05:32,141 --> 00:05:34,661 He locked himself in the loo for two hours the other day 125 00:05:34,661 --> 00:05:37,501 after Grandad smeared baby food on the back of his trousers 126 00:05:37,501 --> 00:05:39,941 then told next door that he'd shit his pants. 127 00:05:39,941 --> 00:05:41,861 Oh, that's hilarious. 128 00:05:41,861 --> 00:05:43,581 Dad's booked us a holiday, though. 129 00:05:43,581 --> 00:05:45,301 It's really sweet. 130 00:05:45,301 --> 00:05:46,901 Bet it's the caravan park! 131 00:05:46,901 --> 00:05:48,981 It won't be the caravan park. 132 00:05:48,981 --> 00:05:50,021 SEAGULLS SQUAWK 133 00:05:50,021 --> 00:05:52,221 You and Catherine used to love coming here when you were kids. 134 00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:53,501 Mm-hm. 135 00:05:53,501 --> 00:05:56,221 And Grandad brought me and Jess once, yeah, 136 00:05:56,221 --> 00:05:58,901 with his "friend", Lorraine, from the bookies. 137 00:05:58,901 --> 00:06:00,381 And her sister. 138 00:06:00,381 --> 00:06:02,021 JACKIE CHUCKLES 139 00:06:03,061 --> 00:06:04,421 Look at that view. 140 00:06:06,061 --> 00:06:08,701 Name me a hotel anywhere in the world 141 00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:10,381 with a better view than this. 142 00:06:10,381 --> 00:06:12,141 - There isn't one. - There isn't one. 143 00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:17,181 If we had the weather, this place'd be full of fucking Ruskis. 144 00:06:18,581 --> 00:06:21,021 Right, let's have a look at the luxury accommodation 145 00:06:21,021 --> 00:06:23,261 - you've booked. - OK. 146 00:06:30,701 --> 00:06:33,101 DOGS BARK 147 00:06:43,621 --> 00:06:45,861 HE SNIFFS 148 00:06:45,861 --> 00:06:47,621 Has something died in here? 149 00:06:47,621 --> 00:06:49,661 Oh, it just needs a bit of air in, doesn't it, eh? 150 00:06:49,661 --> 00:06:51,181 Crack a window open. 151 00:06:51,181 --> 00:06:52,421 Here we go. 152 00:06:53,901 --> 00:06:55,741 Oh, God, maybe not that one. 153 00:06:57,381 --> 00:07:01,341 So I thought, er, Sadie and Gemma could have the mah-ster bedroom. 154 00:07:01,341 --> 00:07:03,021 - Eh? - The master? 155 00:07:03,021 --> 00:07:04,581 Yeah. It's in here. Look. 156 00:07:06,061 --> 00:07:08,341 And, Dad, you and me are in here. 157 00:07:11,261 --> 00:07:13,461 Yeah. It'll be all right. 158 00:07:13,461 --> 00:07:14,941 Yeah, it's cosy, innit? 159 00:07:14,941 --> 00:07:16,861 Ah, lovely work, Malcy. 160 00:07:16,861 --> 00:07:18,981 Looked bigger on the website, but, er... 161 00:07:20,981 --> 00:07:23,501 One knife... 162 00:07:23,501 --> 00:07:25,541 ..one frying pan, 163 00:07:25,541 --> 00:07:27,061 and no tin opener. 164 00:07:27,061 --> 00:07:28,501 Sorry. 165 00:07:28,501 --> 00:07:30,781 Oh, no, Dad, it's brilliant. SADIE BABBLES 166 00:07:30,781 --> 00:07:32,341 Yeah, it's Sadie's first holiday! 167 00:07:32,341 --> 00:07:35,021 - It is, isn't it? - It's your first holiday, Sadie! 168 00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:37,061 First holiday with Grandad, is it, yes? 169 00:07:37,061 --> 00:07:38,941 - Oh... - Oh, OK. JACKIE LAUGHS 170 00:07:38,941 --> 00:07:40,301 - Give her here. - Sorry. 171 00:07:40,301 --> 00:07:41,701 You go change your top. 172 00:07:41,701 --> 00:07:43,941 Yeah, erm, the thing is... 173 00:07:43,941 --> 00:07:45,781 You know, there wasn't room in the car 174 00:07:45,781 --> 00:07:48,101 once we got all Sadie's stuff in, so I didn't pack a case. 175 00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:50,021 You know, I haven't got a change of clothes. 176 00:07:50,021 --> 00:07:52,101 Nothing? Not even pants? 177 00:07:52,101 --> 00:07:53,901 Yeah, I've got pants, obviously! 178 00:07:53,901 --> 00:07:56,461 Got pants, got socks. 179 00:07:56,461 --> 00:07:58,221 And I've got me toothbrush - look. 180 00:07:58,221 --> 00:08:00,941 I just need to remember to scrub my smalls in the morning. 181 00:08:00,941 --> 00:08:02,621 Not with the toothbrush, though, eh? 182 00:08:02,621 --> 00:08:04,101 Come on, Dad. 183 00:08:04,101 --> 00:08:06,101 OK, I'll put tea on, shall I? 184 00:08:06,101 --> 00:08:08,141 - Hello! - Egg on toast? 185 00:08:08,141 --> 00:08:09,461 Yeah. 186 00:08:09,461 --> 00:08:11,221 Nope. Egg on egg? 187 00:08:11,221 --> 00:08:13,541 Oh, look, I'll tell you what, why don't we... 188 00:08:13,541 --> 00:08:15,861 Why don't we go to the restaurant, eh? 189 00:08:15,861 --> 00:08:18,381 Yeah, look, it says here that it, er... 190 00:08:18,381 --> 00:08:20,021 .."often serves food." 191 00:08:26,421 --> 00:08:28,181 HE COOS TO BABY 192 00:08:33,701 --> 00:08:35,581 Don't make eye contact. 193 00:08:35,581 --> 00:08:38,021 Oh, it smells good, dun't it? 194 00:08:38,021 --> 00:08:40,341 This place is buzzing. 195 00:08:40,341 --> 00:08:46,221 Oh, my God, what are they cleaning these tables with, Ribena? 196 00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:47,581 This one's good. 197 00:08:47,581 --> 00:08:48,981 OK, this one's good. 198 00:08:51,301 --> 00:08:54,461 Ooh. Right, well... 199 00:08:57,461 --> 00:08:59,261 Are you ready to order? 200 00:08:59,261 --> 00:09:00,981 Yeah. Shall we just do three fish and chips? 201 00:09:00,981 --> 00:09:02,141 And I'll have a coke. 202 00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:03,541 Oh, yeah, me too, thanks. 203 00:09:03,541 --> 00:09:04,781 Me also. 204 00:09:04,781 --> 00:09:07,421 With two double whiskies poured right on in. 205 00:09:11,101 --> 00:09:12,901 What d'you think of her, Malcy? 206 00:09:12,901 --> 00:09:14,221 Eh? 207 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,661 Oh, she seemed courteous and efficient. 208 00:09:19,941 --> 00:09:22,061 Now, that was suspiciously quick. 209 00:09:24,941 --> 00:09:28,901 Erm, may I inquire as to what is this? 210 00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:30,221 A plum. 211 00:09:30,221 --> 00:09:31,261 A what? 212 00:09:31,261 --> 00:09:32,381 A plum. 213 00:09:32,381 --> 00:09:33,821 It's a type of fruit. 214 00:09:33,821 --> 00:09:35,061 Yeah, we know what a plum is. 215 00:09:35,061 --> 00:09:36,781 Why's it on the same plate as fish and chips? 216 00:09:36,781 --> 00:09:38,661 Do you want me to get the cook out here? 217 00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:41,541 Because she's just spent the last hour crying, 218 00:09:41,541 --> 00:09:43,981 and this will just finish her off. 219 00:09:43,981 --> 00:09:45,501 Is she as feisty as you? 220 00:09:48,101 --> 00:09:50,341 That's for you, charmer. 221 00:09:58,981 --> 00:10:01,301 LAUGHTER 222 00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:09,941 Hey, Dad, er, time to say goodnight, eh? This is us. 223 00:10:09,941 --> 00:10:12,181 Yeah, I'll be staying somewhere else tonight, son, 224 00:10:12,181 --> 00:10:13,541 give you some space. 225 00:10:13,541 --> 00:10:16,501 Snuck the shag wagon keys out of reception! 226 00:10:16,501 --> 00:10:19,341 - Eh? - Come on! THEY LAUGH 227 00:10:19,341 --> 00:10:21,301 Right next door - handy! 228 00:10:21,301 --> 00:10:23,981 I hope these are soundproof. 229 00:10:23,981 --> 00:10:25,221 Jackie! 230 00:10:26,221 --> 00:10:28,741 - Oh, Jackie! - Ahh... 231 00:10:28,741 --> 00:10:31,181 Oh, Christ alive! 232 00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:34,181 Oh, Jackie! 233 00:10:34,181 --> 00:10:35,701 Oh! 234 00:10:44,021 --> 00:10:45,501 KIDS SHOUT 235 00:10:45,501 --> 00:10:48,901 Will you fucking kids stop pissing in the kitchen sink 236 00:10:48,901 --> 00:10:50,421 while your dad's in the shower? 237 00:10:50,421 --> 00:10:53,261 If you can't hold it, do it out the door! 238 00:10:54,861 --> 00:10:56,341 Hey. 239 00:10:56,341 --> 00:10:57,781 You sleep OK? 240 00:10:57,781 --> 00:10:58,941 Yeah. 241 00:10:58,941 --> 00:11:02,461 Yeah, you know, eventually. 242 00:11:02,461 --> 00:11:04,741 - He can go a long time. - Yeah. 243 00:11:04,741 --> 00:11:06,421 He's got a condition. 244 00:11:06,421 --> 00:11:08,141 He tried to tell me about it once, 245 00:11:08,141 --> 00:11:10,021 but I just blocked it out, you know. 246 00:11:10,021 --> 00:11:12,221 Before he gets back, do you think you should speak to him? 247 00:11:12,221 --> 00:11:13,381 About what? 248 00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:14,981 About how mean he is to you? 249 00:11:14,981 --> 00:11:17,461 Oh, no, no, we don't need to do that, do we? 250 00:11:17,461 --> 00:11:20,061 You're having a good time, aren't you, love? 251 00:11:20,061 --> 00:11:21,261 Brilliant. 252 00:11:21,261 --> 00:11:22,461 PHONE RINGS 253 00:11:22,461 --> 00:11:23,501 What? 254 00:11:23,501 --> 00:11:24,861 The holiday's a disaster. 255 00:11:24,861 --> 00:11:26,741 - Gemma hates it. - Yeah, of course she does. 256 00:11:26,741 --> 00:11:28,901 It's off-season at a caravan park, Malcolm. 257 00:11:28,901 --> 00:11:31,501 Yeah, well, I need you here to make it fun, don't I? 258 00:11:31,501 --> 00:11:33,021 - Please. - Is there an arcade? 259 00:11:33,021 --> 00:11:34,701 Yeah. Yeah, there's an arcade. 260 00:11:34,701 --> 00:11:36,421 Definitely not coming. I can't do arcades. 261 00:11:36,421 --> 00:11:39,501 Well, I don't think you have to go to the arcade if you don't want to! 262 00:11:39,501 --> 00:11:42,221 Although, granted, I've not read the whole park rule book. 263 00:11:42,221 --> 00:11:43,621 No. 264 00:11:43,621 --> 00:11:44,981 Oh, God! 265 00:11:46,821 --> 00:11:50,741 So when you going to boot the useless dickhead out your flat? 266 00:11:50,741 --> 00:11:52,541 What? 267 00:11:52,541 --> 00:11:55,301 A beautiful, smart young woman like you, 268 00:11:55,301 --> 00:12:00,301 whole world her oyster, shouldn't be shacked up with her old man. 269 00:12:00,301 --> 00:12:02,741 Yeah, well I've got a baby. 270 00:12:02,741 --> 00:12:06,061 Just don't let that become an excuse. 271 00:12:06,061 --> 00:12:09,101 Oh, pedalo trip's off, I'm afraid. 272 00:12:09,101 --> 00:12:10,661 Sewage spillage. 273 00:12:10,661 --> 00:12:13,701 But I have found a shop that sells only purple items. 274 00:12:13,701 --> 00:12:15,581 - No. - Eh? Well, how about this? 275 00:12:15,581 --> 00:12:18,461 Er, the "fabulous coaster museum". 276 00:12:18,461 --> 00:12:20,781 - I think I'll take Sadie to the soft play. - OK. 277 00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:23,861 Yeah, I think I'm going to go and watch some snooker in the clubhouse. 278 00:12:23,861 --> 00:12:25,021 Good idea. 279 00:12:25,021 --> 00:12:26,821 Oh, listen, if, erm... 280 00:12:26,821 --> 00:12:29,181 ..you know, thingy comes knocking, 281 00:12:29,181 --> 00:12:31,101 just tell her I've had a change of heart. 282 00:12:31,101 --> 00:12:32,301 She'll accept it from you. 283 00:12:32,301 --> 00:12:34,021 You've got very feminine energy. 284 00:12:37,901 --> 00:12:39,861 Sadie! 285 00:12:39,861 --> 00:12:42,141 Mummy's just over here, OK, Sadie? 286 00:12:47,541 --> 00:12:50,341 It's meant to freezing all weekend. 287 00:12:50,341 --> 00:12:52,181 Thank God for this place, eh? 288 00:12:52,181 --> 00:12:53,901 I know. 289 00:12:53,901 --> 00:12:56,621 I don't think they've updated it since the '90s. 290 00:12:56,621 --> 00:12:58,061 Who the fuck is McHammer? 291 00:12:58,061 --> 00:12:59,981 You know, they still end the talent show 292 00:12:59,981 --> 00:13:01,581 with everyone singing No Limits, 293 00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:03,901 and even that was a dated reference when I was little. 294 00:13:03,901 --> 00:13:05,941 Oh, my God. You came here as a kid too? 295 00:13:05,941 --> 00:13:07,021 Mm. 296 00:13:07,021 --> 00:13:09,581 It was miserable. Charmaine. 297 00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:11,581 Gemma. My dad booked this. 298 00:13:11,581 --> 00:13:13,221 I honestly think he has Stockholm Syndrome. 299 00:13:13,221 --> 00:13:15,061 - He truly remembers us having a great time. - Yeah - 300 00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:18,981 my mum LOVES this place, especially the talent show. 301 00:13:18,981 --> 00:13:21,101 God, I wanted one of those talent show trophies 302 00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:22,261 so much when I was little. 303 00:13:22,261 --> 00:13:24,181 Well, I can't imagine you would have had much competition. 304 00:13:24,181 --> 00:13:25,221 What's your talent? 305 00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,461 Oh, no, I didn't want to win it. I just wanted it. 306 00:13:27,461 --> 00:13:30,781 - For doing nothing? - Yeah. - Oh! My kind of woman! 307 00:13:31,821 --> 00:13:33,061 Here, Sadie. 308 00:13:33,061 --> 00:13:34,781 Up we go! 309 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:37,101 Home sweet home. 310 00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,621 Oh, God. 311 00:13:40,621 --> 00:13:41,701 Don't worry, Gemma, 312 00:13:41,701 --> 00:13:44,661 I've come to save you from this fucking dreadful holiday. 313 00:13:44,661 --> 00:13:45,941 Derek's brought us a gift. 314 00:13:45,941 --> 00:13:48,261 Well, thank you, but you cannot stay here. 315 00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:49,541 Obviously don't want to. 316 00:13:49,541 --> 00:13:51,941 Malcolm stinks of baby sick and wet socks. 317 00:13:51,941 --> 00:13:53,461 Oh! Yes to both of those. 318 00:13:53,461 --> 00:13:55,621 You've got to admit, he's got a great nose. 319 00:13:55,621 --> 00:13:57,421 Did you manage to go and pick me up some clean clothes? 320 00:13:57,421 --> 00:13:59,301 - I'm not your fucking handmaiden, Malcolm. - All right. 321 00:14:05,461 --> 00:14:08,781 Yep. As there's nothing else to do, I thought that we could get Sadie 322 00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:10,781 addicted to the slotties nice and early. 323 00:14:10,781 --> 00:14:13,141 I told you - I don't do arcades. 324 00:14:13,141 --> 00:14:14,701 Oh, yeah. He doesn't do arcades. 325 00:14:14,701 --> 00:14:16,981 But why? Is it the lights? The noises? 326 00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:18,101 The eroticism? 327 00:14:20,541 --> 00:14:21,621 The grabbers. 328 00:14:21,621 --> 00:14:23,021 Oh, no. 329 00:14:23,021 --> 00:14:25,741 No. No. No. No! 330 00:14:25,741 --> 00:14:28,061 Malcolm, you've got about 30 seconds to knock me out, mate. 331 00:14:28,061 --> 00:14:29,501 Well, I'm not going to do that, am I? 332 00:14:29,501 --> 00:14:30,541 DEREK GROANS 333 00:14:30,541 --> 00:14:33,381 Then you can only hold yourself to blame for what's about to happen. 334 00:14:36,261 --> 00:14:37,341 Well... Er... 335 00:14:53,061 --> 00:14:55,301 I think that's enough now, mate, eh? 336 00:14:55,301 --> 00:14:57,701 I mean, you've been here for three hours. 337 00:14:57,701 --> 00:14:59,261 It's never enough, Malcolm. 338 00:14:59,261 --> 00:15:01,541 That's the problem with the grabbers, isn't it? 339 00:15:01,541 --> 00:15:04,781 Well, Sadie has 15 toys now, so I think that's enough. 340 00:15:04,781 --> 00:15:06,021 Arguably too many. 341 00:15:06,021 --> 00:15:08,661 Why are we watching this jackass playing on the grabber? 342 00:15:08,661 --> 00:15:10,861 Oh, Dad, this is Derek, he's my friend. 343 00:15:10,861 --> 00:15:12,301 - Best friend. - Yeah, best friend. 344 00:15:12,301 --> 00:15:14,021 Yeah, fuck you, Platypus. 345 00:15:14,021 --> 00:15:17,301 Fuck you right back into the egg from which you were hatched. 346 00:15:17,301 --> 00:15:18,621 - Ow! - Oh, my God. 347 00:15:18,621 --> 00:15:21,181 Derek, I've got an investment opportunity 348 00:15:21,181 --> 00:15:24,141 that is targeted at the sophisticated gentleman. 349 00:15:24,141 --> 00:15:26,421 Ha! Malc's not interested, then! 350 00:15:26,421 --> 00:15:28,981 I'm looking for five smart chaps to come on the sales team 351 00:15:28,981 --> 00:15:31,261 for my new energy drink for ladies. 352 00:15:31,261 --> 00:15:32,621 Grandad! No. 353 00:15:32,621 --> 00:15:34,141 Well, he's obviously a moron. 354 00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:36,621 Hey! Oh, sorry, are you talking about him or me? 355 00:15:36,621 --> 00:15:39,101 Shut up, shut up, shut up! 356 00:15:39,101 --> 00:15:41,101 You're all making me lose concentration. 357 00:15:41,101 --> 00:15:43,061 Oh! I've got a surprise for you, though. 358 00:15:43,061 --> 00:15:44,701 Might turn this holiday around. 359 00:15:44,701 --> 00:15:45,861 What is it? 360 00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:49,221 - I've entered you for the talent contest. - Dad, why? 361 00:15:49,221 --> 00:15:50,981 Well, cos you always wanted one of those little trophies 362 00:15:50,981 --> 00:15:52,741 - they give out, didn't you? - Yeah, I wanted one, 363 00:15:52,741 --> 00:15:54,661 but I didn't want to have to do anything to get it. 364 00:15:54,661 --> 00:15:57,701 Come on, Gem, eh? It might be fun, eh? 365 00:15:57,701 --> 00:16:00,221 17...18. 366 00:16:00,221 --> 00:16:01,941 Calm down! 367 00:16:01,941 --> 00:16:03,181 Has anyone got a pound? 368 00:16:03,181 --> 00:16:05,141 - No! - Has anybody got a pound?! 369 00:16:09,581 --> 00:16:11,901 Fuck! Oh! 370 00:16:11,901 --> 00:16:14,021 Mate, I've been looking for you. You all right? 371 00:16:14,021 --> 00:16:15,261 Hey, mate. 372 00:16:15,261 --> 00:16:18,461 Have you've been here all night? I thought they closed at 11. 373 00:16:18,461 --> 00:16:20,101 They do. 374 00:16:20,101 --> 00:16:22,621 I just hid in that tiny children's bus over there, 375 00:16:22,621 --> 00:16:26,861 just, erm, watching the grabbers - strategising - 376 00:16:26,861 --> 00:16:28,981 until they came and turned the power back on. 377 00:16:28,981 --> 00:16:30,021 HE CHUCKLES 378 00:16:30,021 --> 00:16:31,701 It's probably enough now, eh? 379 00:16:31,701 --> 00:16:32,941 Look, you've got loads. 380 00:16:32,941 --> 00:16:34,181 THEY LAUGH 381 00:16:34,181 --> 00:16:37,261 I'd do this all the time on family holidays. 382 00:16:37,261 --> 00:16:39,021 The kids thought I was amazing, you know? 383 00:16:39,021 --> 00:16:40,341 Winning them so many toys. 384 00:16:40,341 --> 00:16:42,181 - Yeah. - And then they got a bit older 385 00:16:42,181 --> 00:16:44,821 and realised it was probably symptomatic of a mental illness. 386 00:16:44,821 --> 00:16:46,821 CHUCKLES 387 00:16:47,781 --> 00:16:49,141 Right. 388 00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:50,821 LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 389 00:16:53,821 --> 00:16:55,461 I don't even know why I bother with these. 390 00:16:55,461 --> 00:16:57,781 What's the point for someone who can't walk? 391 00:16:58,781 --> 00:17:00,621 Oh, God, sorry. 392 00:17:01,581 --> 00:17:04,261 It's fine! 393 00:17:04,261 --> 00:17:07,381 I, too, love taking my boots off and vomming in them. 394 00:17:07,381 --> 00:17:09,941 Usually after a bottle of red. 395 00:17:09,941 --> 00:17:13,141 Oh...God. 396 00:17:13,141 --> 00:17:15,141 Ugh. 397 00:17:15,141 --> 00:17:18,341 You dream of that holiday in the boutique hotel, 398 00:17:18,341 --> 00:17:21,221 with the spa and the Egyptian cotton sheets. 399 00:17:21,221 --> 00:17:25,301 Life hands you a caravan park with sticky tables and a vaping bunny. 400 00:17:25,301 --> 00:17:26,861 LAUGHS 401 00:17:26,861 --> 00:17:29,501 My dad's entered me for the talent show. 402 00:17:29,501 --> 00:17:32,021 - Oh, my God, that's so extra! - Mm-hm. 403 00:17:32,021 --> 00:17:35,621 I was wondering, do you want to do something together? 404 00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:37,701 I would love that. 405 00:17:39,021 --> 00:17:40,061 No line dancing. 406 00:17:40,061 --> 00:17:41,621 Obviously no line dancing. 407 00:17:42,581 --> 00:17:46,261 I just...I just don't know how to help him, you know. 408 00:17:46,261 --> 00:17:48,941 Well, lucky for you, son, I have a solution. 409 00:17:48,941 --> 00:17:51,301 - Meet the lovely Rosetta. - All right? 410 00:17:51,301 --> 00:17:52,821 What, do you two know each other? 411 00:17:52,821 --> 00:17:55,461 - We became acquainted recently. - Oh, God! 412 00:17:55,461 --> 00:17:57,061 Do you want my help or not? 413 00:17:57,061 --> 00:17:58,341 Yeah. 414 00:17:58,341 --> 00:18:01,621 It's my friend. He's addicted, so... 415 00:18:01,621 --> 00:18:03,741 TASER CRACKLES, DEREK GROANS 416 00:18:05,221 --> 00:18:07,581 What the fuck, Malcolm?! You got me tasered! 417 00:18:07,581 --> 00:18:08,741 I'm sorry! 418 00:18:08,741 --> 00:18:11,621 - Argh! - It can be quite pleasant if you hit the right spot. 419 00:18:11,621 --> 00:18:13,581 I bought it on t' dark web using bitcoin. 420 00:18:13,581 --> 00:18:15,821 Yeah, well, it fucking hurts, you psycho! 421 00:18:18,621 --> 00:18:21,021 TASER CRACKLES 422 00:18:23,581 --> 00:18:26,141 Oh, my God. What have you done?! 423 00:18:26,141 --> 00:18:27,701 Aah! 424 00:18:32,221 --> 00:18:34,741 - I think it worked. - You're joking? 425 00:18:36,861 --> 00:18:39,341 - Thanks, Jackie. - My pleasure. 426 00:18:39,341 --> 00:18:40,981 Hi. May I? 427 00:18:40,981 --> 00:18:42,181 Yeah, all right. 428 00:18:44,501 --> 00:18:48,061 TASER CRACKLES Ooh! Ahh! 429 00:18:48,061 --> 00:18:49,981 - TASER CRACKLES, MALCOLM STAMMERS - Argh! 430 00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:59,101 That's the last one sold to another idiot. 431 00:18:59,101 --> 00:19:01,941 Now just got to wait for the cash to roll in. 432 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:05,221 My little Gemma, star of the show. 433 00:19:05,221 --> 00:19:08,301 Grandad. We're just doing a duet. It's nothing amazing. 434 00:19:08,301 --> 00:19:11,061 Everything you do is amazing, Gemma. 435 00:19:11,061 --> 00:19:13,581 And I don't want you ever forgetting that. 436 00:19:13,581 --> 00:19:16,141 Or letting anyone hold you back. 437 00:19:16,141 --> 00:19:18,301 Got to go. Charmaine's waiting. 438 00:19:18,301 --> 00:19:19,781 Bye, baby. 439 00:19:20,941 --> 00:19:23,101 Ooh! What's that? Dick pills? 440 00:19:23,101 --> 00:19:26,181 - You need some, eh? - No, not me, mate. Mine's like a stick of rock. 441 00:19:26,181 --> 00:19:28,861 Long, thin and brittle? JACKIE CHUCKLES 442 00:19:28,861 --> 00:19:30,861 DEREK CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY 443 00:19:30,861 --> 00:19:34,621 I've had many addictions in my time, and I've beaten them all. 444 00:19:34,621 --> 00:19:37,901 - Booze, fags, cars... - You still do all of them. 445 00:19:37,901 --> 00:19:40,541 Yes, but I'm not addicted to them, Malcolm. 446 00:19:40,541 --> 00:19:42,261 I've learnt to control them. 447 00:19:42,261 --> 00:19:44,181 You know, I've never been addicted to anything. 448 00:19:44,181 --> 00:19:46,541 Of course you haven't, son. You're too cautious. 449 00:19:46,541 --> 00:19:48,581 Too afraid of the world. 450 00:19:48,581 --> 00:19:50,101 Just like your mother. 451 00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:52,941 See, I thought with Malcolm getting rid of the shrew, 452 00:19:52,941 --> 00:19:56,141 it would free him up to grab life by the bollocks. 453 00:19:56,141 --> 00:19:57,781 Allow him to sow his wild oats. 454 00:19:57,781 --> 00:19:59,621 My oats are all right where they are, thank you. 455 00:19:59,621 --> 00:20:01,341 But instead he's up to his arse in nappies 456 00:20:01,341 --> 00:20:03,141 and letting babies use him as a sick bucket. 457 00:20:03,141 --> 00:20:04,581 I don't let her, do I? 458 00:20:04,581 --> 00:20:06,541 You are a disappointment, son - 459 00:20:06,541 --> 00:20:09,701 and I'm only telling you because it's better you know it now, 460 00:20:09,701 --> 00:20:11,781 while you can do something about it. 461 00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:16,981 MALCOLM SLURPS 462 00:20:16,981 --> 00:20:18,781 And don't make that noise. 463 00:20:21,661 --> 00:20:24,421 He was doing that when he was five. 464 00:20:24,421 --> 00:20:26,861 - Cheers. - Cheers. Mm! 465 00:20:27,861 --> 00:20:30,101 Urgh! Ay! Mm-hm! 466 00:20:30,101 --> 00:20:33,581 You know, as much as this been a truly terrible holiday, 467 00:20:33,581 --> 00:20:35,381 I am really glad I met you. 468 00:20:35,381 --> 00:20:37,581 Me too. 469 00:20:37,581 --> 00:20:40,101 Look, this might seem really... 470 00:20:40,101 --> 00:20:42,661 - I don't know, forward. - You asking me out? 471 00:20:42,661 --> 00:20:44,661 Urgh! No, you're not my type, babe. 472 00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:47,741 I've never been remotely fanny curious, unfortunately. 473 00:20:47,741 --> 00:20:49,501 No. I wondered 474 00:20:49,501 --> 00:20:54,421 if you've ever heard of this energy drink for ladies called Shoes? 475 00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:58,981 Because I have got an amazing investment opportunity for you. 476 00:20:58,981 --> 00:21:02,381 Oh, you mean you're looking for the next idiot to sell to. 477 00:21:02,381 --> 00:21:04,381 Gemma? 478 00:21:04,381 --> 00:21:06,261 He's a conman! 479 00:21:06,261 --> 00:21:08,181 Oh. Fine. 480 00:21:09,461 --> 00:21:10,741 Mm! Mm! 481 00:21:10,741 --> 00:21:13,661 - Whoo! - Hey, are you excited? - I'm going to bed. 482 00:21:13,661 --> 00:21:16,741 - What? You can't go to bed. - I can! - What you doing? 483 00:21:16,741 --> 00:21:19,821 - Next up we have Gemma and Charmaine! - Where you going? 484 00:21:19,821 --> 00:21:21,301 You couldn't help yourself, could you? 485 00:21:23,061 --> 00:21:25,261 - No? - Gemma? 486 00:21:25,261 --> 00:21:27,621 - Next on the list... - No, I'll have a go! 487 00:21:28,701 --> 00:21:31,501 Do you...have a talent? 488 00:21:31,501 --> 00:21:33,861 - No! - Nope. - Hey! - Nope. 489 00:21:33,861 --> 00:21:35,261 I might do! 490 00:21:35,261 --> 00:21:36,661 Malcolm. Malcolm... 491 00:21:36,661 --> 00:21:38,621 This is going to be fucking hilarious. 492 00:21:50,621 --> 00:21:51,981 Mm. 493 00:22:00,501 --> 00:22:03,301 Mm! Mm! 494 00:22:04,341 --> 00:22:05,781 Yeah! Whoo! 495 00:22:13,341 --> 00:22:15,501 Whoa! Yes, make some noise! 496 00:22:17,541 --> 00:22:20,061 We have one to beat, girls and boys. 497 00:22:22,781 --> 00:22:25,101 - Yes, Malcolm! - Fantastic! 498 00:22:25,101 --> 00:22:28,301 Next up, we have nine-year-old Lin Lee! 499 00:22:28,301 --> 00:22:31,701 - That was good, weren't it? - Whoo! - APPLAUSE 500 00:22:31,701 --> 00:22:35,861 - Boo! - Yeah! 501 00:22:36,821 --> 00:22:37,981 Fuck off. 502 00:22:47,061 --> 00:22:50,021 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 503 00:22:50,981 --> 00:22:52,821 BABY BABBLES ON MONITOR 504 00:22:58,581 --> 00:22:59,981 Sh. 505 00:23:04,181 --> 00:23:05,461 You all right, love? 506 00:23:05,461 --> 00:23:08,701 GEMMA MUMBLES 507 00:23:09,981 --> 00:23:12,381 I guess it wasn't the best idea coming on holiday 508 00:23:12,381 --> 00:23:13,701 with a small baby, was it? 509 00:23:13,701 --> 00:23:16,301 To be honest, it is harder than just being at home. 510 00:23:17,261 --> 00:23:18,581 Yeah. 511 00:23:20,341 --> 00:23:22,061 I've got something for you. 512 00:23:22,061 --> 00:23:24,181 - Hmm? - What? 513 00:23:25,461 --> 00:23:26,941 Ta-da! 514 00:23:26,941 --> 00:23:28,861 - Dad, did you win?! - No! 515 00:23:28,861 --> 00:23:31,701 No, I had to bribe a small boy into handing it over. 516 00:23:31,701 --> 00:23:32,901 How much? 517 00:23:32,901 --> 00:23:36,021 Three bin bags full of cuddly toys from the grabbers. 518 00:23:36,021 --> 00:23:38,061 Hand it over, then. 519 00:23:43,101 --> 00:23:45,781 - Well, I'd better wash me socks if we're getting off, eh? - Oh, God! 37017

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