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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,021 --> 00:00:04,501 This programme contains strong language. 2 00:00:04,501 --> 00:00:05,741 What the hell? 3 00:00:09,941 --> 00:00:11,301 TOY CLATTERS 4 00:00:12,901 --> 00:00:17,301 Sadie. Sadie? Dad? 5 00:00:17,301 --> 00:00:19,581 Oh, my God. DOOR SLAMS 6 00:00:19,581 --> 00:00:20,981 Jesus Christ! 7 00:00:20,981 --> 00:00:22,861 I thought she'd been kidnapped. 8 00:00:22,861 --> 00:00:24,621 Who'd want to kidnap Sadie? 9 00:00:24,621 --> 00:00:26,021 Who wouldn't want to kidnap Sadie? 10 00:00:26,021 --> 00:00:27,341 What's wrong with her? She's perfect. 11 00:00:27,341 --> 00:00:28,741 Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, love. 12 00:00:28,741 --> 00:00:31,221 Have you had a big coffee down the shops? 13 00:00:31,221 --> 00:00:32,461 Yeah. SADIE GURGLES 14 00:00:32,461 --> 00:00:33,981 Why are all her toys outside? 15 00:00:33,981 --> 00:00:35,741 Cos plastic is toxic. 16 00:00:35,741 --> 00:00:38,181 I mean, if Sadie ate that, she'd be in real trouble. 17 00:00:38,181 --> 00:00:40,821 Because of choking? No, I've thrown out everything that's choke-sized. 18 00:00:40,821 --> 00:00:42,181 Choking is a hazard, 19 00:00:42,181 --> 00:00:45,581 but ingesting or even touching plastic is catastrophic. 20 00:00:45,581 --> 00:00:47,621 I've been doing some research - on the YouTube. 21 00:00:47,621 --> 00:00:49,061 Oh, God. 22 00:00:49,061 --> 00:00:50,941 All plastic is evil. 23 00:00:50,941 --> 00:00:52,781 And I don't want to make the same mistakes with Sadie 24 00:00:52,781 --> 00:00:54,621 as I made with you and Catherine. 25 00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,421 I mean, she's in prison, isn't she? 26 00:00:56,421 --> 00:00:57,861 I know. 27 00:00:57,861 --> 00:01:00,221 But not because she ate the feet off her Barbie. 28 00:01:01,981 --> 00:01:03,421 Although... 29 00:01:03,421 --> 00:01:04,821 Well, what's she gonna play with now? 30 00:01:04,821 --> 00:01:05,941 Oh. 31 00:01:08,501 --> 00:01:10,541 Ta-da. 32 00:01:10,541 --> 00:01:12,141 It's all I could afford, you know. 33 00:01:12,141 --> 00:01:14,501 They're really expensive - that's how you know they're good. 34 00:01:14,501 --> 00:01:15,981 - What does it do? - Um... 35 00:01:15,981 --> 00:01:17,821 Well, not everything has to do something, Gemma! 36 00:01:17,821 --> 00:01:19,021 SADIE COOS Look! 37 00:01:19,021 --> 00:01:20,381 She loves it. Look, look. 38 00:01:20,381 --> 00:01:21,741 Look, a little car - look. 39 00:01:21,741 --> 00:01:23,581 HE IMITATES CAR He's coming round the corner. 40 00:01:23,581 --> 00:01:24,741 HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES 41 00:01:24,741 --> 00:01:26,341 He's coming round the corner. What's he doin'? 42 00:01:26,341 --> 00:01:27,461 HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES 43 00:01:33,221 --> 00:01:34,261 DISTANT DOOR SLAMS 44 00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:35,861 Fucking hell, Gem. 45 00:01:35,861 --> 00:01:36,941 What? 46 00:01:36,941 --> 00:01:39,541 That's the colour that they wear on G Wing. 47 00:01:39,541 --> 00:01:40,901 They'll have you scrubbing the toilets 48 00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:43,141 quicker than you can say, "I used to be hot." 49 00:01:43,141 --> 00:01:45,821 Yeah, well, the beige hides the milk stains. 50 00:01:45,821 --> 00:01:48,781 And I am still hot, thank you. 51 00:01:48,781 --> 00:01:51,301 You asked your cute pharmacist out yet? 52 00:01:51,301 --> 00:01:52,821 No. Not yet. 53 00:01:53,861 --> 00:01:55,741 But when I do, you know - 54 00:01:55,741 --> 00:01:57,261 never been turned down. 55 00:01:57,261 --> 00:02:00,421 IF you're sure that you've still got it... 56 00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:01,661 Got it? 57 00:02:01,661 --> 00:02:02,941 No, I am it. 58 00:02:02,941 --> 00:02:07,421 ..then, um, well, you won't mind doing me a teeny, tiny favour... 59 00:02:09,061 --> 00:02:11,061 ..and tugging my solicitor off. 60 00:02:11,061 --> 00:02:12,341 That's not a favour! 61 00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:13,981 That's like, I don't know - assault? 62 00:02:13,981 --> 00:02:15,301 Oh, no, no! 63 00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,421 No, no. No, no, no. 64 00:02:17,421 --> 00:02:18,501 He'll like it. 65 00:02:19,581 --> 00:02:20,621 Cat! 66 00:02:21,621 --> 00:02:23,341 He won't return my calls. 67 00:02:23,341 --> 00:02:25,581 The answer is still no. 68 00:02:25,581 --> 00:02:26,621 Ugh! 69 00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:29,501 The old Gemma would have done it. 70 00:02:29,501 --> 00:02:30,581 No, she wouldn't! 71 00:02:31,781 --> 00:02:34,181 Anyway, just in case you change your mind, 72 00:02:34,181 --> 00:02:36,461 he really likes the sting 73 00:02:36,461 --> 00:02:38,461 and the smell of anti-bac gel. 74 00:02:39,941 --> 00:02:41,701 Don't ask me how I know that. 75 00:02:41,701 --> 00:02:43,501 I'm not gonna. 76 00:02:43,501 --> 00:02:45,101 # Boop-boop, boop-boop 77 00:02:45,101 --> 00:02:46,901 # Boop... # DOOR SHUTS 78 00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:48,421 # Ba, ba, ba 79 00:02:48,421 --> 00:02:49,821 # Ba, ba, ba, boop. # 80 00:02:49,821 --> 00:02:51,981 - I know! - Hiya, baby. 81 00:02:51,981 --> 00:02:53,261 SADIE COOS 82 00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:55,941 Three lemons and a stick? 83 00:02:55,941 --> 00:02:57,621 Er, three organic lemons! 84 00:02:57,621 --> 00:02:59,341 Only the best for my granddaughter. 85 00:02:59,341 --> 00:03:00,661 The stick's not organic, then? 86 00:03:00,661 --> 00:03:02,301 It better be. It cost me a tenner. 87 00:03:04,261 --> 00:03:09,261 Dad, I was wondering - how would you feel about baby-sitting Sadie? 88 00:03:09,261 --> 00:03:11,701 Well, what do you think I've been doing for the last three hours? 89 00:03:11,701 --> 00:03:13,421 No, I mean like all night. 90 00:03:13,421 --> 00:03:14,541 Oh. 91 00:03:14,541 --> 00:03:17,061 I kind of miss the old Gemma. 92 00:03:17,061 --> 00:03:20,981 You know, the one who went on dates, had fun. 93 00:03:20,981 --> 00:03:22,581 I'd love to. 94 00:03:23,661 --> 00:03:24,821 Can Derek come over? 95 00:03:24,821 --> 00:03:25,941 Absolutely not. 96 00:03:34,901 --> 00:03:36,221 Hiya. 97 00:03:37,461 --> 00:03:40,741 Gemma, you look amazing. 98 00:03:40,741 --> 00:03:42,741 Oh, really? 99 00:03:42,741 --> 00:03:44,581 I've got you a present. 100 00:03:44,581 --> 00:03:45,941 Wow. 101 00:03:45,941 --> 00:03:47,821 - Yeah. - Thank you. - It is 102 00:03:47,821 --> 00:03:51,581 ..a yellow box of hypodermic needles. 103 00:03:51,581 --> 00:03:53,621 That's...that's amazing, that, Gemma. Thank you. 104 00:03:53,621 --> 00:03:55,341 Didn't you give birth, like, six months ago? 105 00:03:55,341 --> 00:03:57,981 Mm-hm, but people keep hold of these things for years, don't they? 106 00:03:57,981 --> 00:04:00,381 Cos you can't just chuck them in a bin, can you? 107 00:04:00,381 --> 00:04:03,021 No. N-No, you can't, Gemma. It's... It's medical waste. 108 00:04:03,021 --> 00:04:04,061 Exactly. 109 00:04:04,061 --> 00:04:05,701 Which is why I did not do that. 110 00:04:07,061 --> 00:04:09,781 Er, look, sorry if I've been a bit... 111 00:04:10,861 --> 00:04:12,061 ..distant, lately. 112 00:04:13,141 --> 00:04:14,541 Have you? 113 00:04:14,541 --> 00:04:16,821 It's just having a baby's such a big thing, 114 00:04:16,821 --> 00:04:20,261 and I was I thinking... 115 00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:22,341 Well, I wasn't... I wasn't sure, 116 00:04:22,341 --> 00:04:25,181 but I thought maybe y-you'd want space. 117 00:04:25,181 --> 00:04:26,541 Oh! 118 00:04:26,541 --> 00:04:30,341 What I actually wanted was some very large sanitary pads. 119 00:04:30,341 --> 00:04:33,501 Yeah, er... Yeah, 'course. Of course, sure. 120 00:04:33,501 --> 00:04:35,541 I'm joking. It's a joke. 121 00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:37,301 Ha-ha-ha. SHE CHUCKLES 122 00:04:39,301 --> 00:04:41,061 Do you want to have a night out soon? 123 00:04:42,261 --> 00:04:45,621 Yeah. Yeah. I would ab... I would absolutely love that - 124 00:04:45,621 --> 00:04:47,221 me, you and Cherry. 125 00:04:47,221 --> 00:04:48,861 Yeah. 126 00:04:48,861 --> 00:04:52,101 Or just me and you - alone. 127 00:04:54,101 --> 00:04:55,181 Um... 128 00:04:55,181 --> 00:04:57,461 I should have told you he was seeing someone else. 129 00:04:57,461 --> 00:04:59,381 I only found out myself a few days ago 130 00:04:59,381 --> 00:05:01,661 - when I popped in for more nit shampoo. - Yeah, it's fine. 131 00:05:01,661 --> 00:05:04,301 I'm fine. I'm fine. 132 00:05:04,301 --> 00:05:05,741 It's OK not to be fine. 133 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,661 I missed my chance, didn't I? 134 00:05:09,661 --> 00:05:11,141 Did I ever even have a chance? 135 00:05:11,141 --> 00:05:13,301 Xander was really into you, trust me. He just... 136 00:05:14,821 --> 00:05:16,741 ..moved on. 137 00:05:16,741 --> 00:05:18,661 Fucking hell. 138 00:05:18,661 --> 00:05:20,261 I mean, I just had a baby! 139 00:05:20,261 --> 00:05:23,821 I know! Men are very simple creatures. 140 00:05:23,821 --> 00:05:25,261 SADIE COOS 141 00:05:25,261 --> 00:05:26,341 All right, king? 142 00:05:26,341 --> 00:05:28,421 - I brought supplies. - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. 143 00:05:28,421 --> 00:05:29,661 Shut the door. 144 00:05:31,061 --> 00:05:32,741 Right, come on. Talk me through this outfit. 145 00:05:32,741 --> 00:05:34,181 OK. So... 146 00:05:35,381 --> 00:05:36,541 Oh, wow. 147 00:05:37,621 --> 00:05:40,941 This is my weapons-grade pulling dress, OK? 148 00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:43,221 I wore this on my best ever night out - 149 00:05:43,221 --> 00:05:46,141 which we will be recreating tonight, down to the very last detail. 150 00:05:46,141 --> 00:05:48,301 I just want to snog someone really fit. 151 00:05:48,301 --> 00:05:49,461 And that. 152 00:05:49,461 --> 00:05:50,781 Shush, shush, shush. 153 00:05:50,781 --> 00:05:52,621 You'd better stop shushing me! 154 00:05:52,621 --> 00:05:54,341 You know I find it triggering. 155 00:05:54,341 --> 00:05:57,101 And you do know that baby's not asleep, don't you? 156 00:05:57,101 --> 00:05:58,581 Gemma doesn't want you here. 157 00:05:58,581 --> 00:06:01,181 Oh, fucking bitch. 158 00:06:01,181 --> 00:06:02,821 Hey! Not in front of Sadie. 159 00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:05,501 She's going to have to learn sometime, Malcolm. 160 00:06:05,501 --> 00:06:06,941 Anyway, I brought supplies. 161 00:06:06,941 --> 00:06:09,061 Yeah, I don't drink around the baby, do I? 162 00:06:09,061 --> 00:06:10,861 It's not booze. 163 00:06:10,861 --> 00:06:13,061 I got you a really big tub of nappy creme. 164 00:06:14,381 --> 00:06:15,861 Does it have plastic in it? 165 00:06:15,861 --> 00:06:17,261 You know what? I don't know. 166 00:06:22,901 --> 00:06:25,421 Ohh, what's he like? What's he like? 167 00:06:25,421 --> 00:06:27,581 If you want me go, just say. 168 00:06:27,581 --> 00:06:30,421 Just stay here until Gemma's gone, all right? 169 00:06:30,421 --> 00:06:31,581 Get that door. 170 00:06:34,501 --> 00:06:36,181 You're complicit now, Sadie. 171 00:06:38,181 --> 00:06:39,981 I'm not ready to go through that again. 172 00:06:39,981 --> 00:06:42,381 Pfft! It took me a year to even look at Lance's todge 173 00:06:42,381 --> 00:06:44,541 - after I gave birth. - TMI, babe. 174 00:06:44,541 --> 00:06:45,981 And when I did, it was another eight weeks 175 00:06:45,981 --> 00:06:47,421 before I could even touch it. 176 00:06:47,421 --> 00:06:49,341 OK, am I forgetting anything? 177 00:06:49,341 --> 00:06:50,661 Oh, er, passport. 178 00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:52,821 - Yes! - I was joking. 179 00:06:52,821 --> 00:06:54,701 Well, no, we're not gonna leave the country, 180 00:06:54,701 --> 00:06:56,821 - but we might hire a yacht. - In Stockport? 181 00:06:56,821 --> 00:06:59,181 Yeah, the old Gemma did it - twice. 182 00:06:59,181 --> 00:07:00,221 Oh. 183 00:07:00,221 --> 00:07:02,941 Ooh, do you want to pump those bad boys before we head out? 184 00:07:02,941 --> 00:07:04,181 Are you kidding?! 185 00:07:04,181 --> 00:07:05,981 These are working for me tonight. 186 00:07:05,981 --> 00:07:07,301 SADIE BABBLES OK, so, 187 00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:09,141 if you want to take her for a walk in the morning, 188 00:07:09,141 --> 00:07:12,501 you've got nappies, wipes, spare clothes... 189 00:07:12,501 --> 00:07:14,021 Uh-huh. 190 00:07:14,021 --> 00:07:15,261 Oh, ha-ha. 191 00:07:15,261 --> 00:07:16,861 Er, don't think I need that, love. 192 00:07:16,861 --> 00:07:18,261 THEY CHUCKLE 193 00:07:18,261 --> 00:07:19,901 And if there are any problems... 194 00:07:19,901 --> 00:07:21,821 Yeah, no, don't worry, I'll just call you. 195 00:07:21,821 --> 00:07:24,101 No, I was gonna say, "Can you try and sort them out yourself?" 196 00:07:24,101 --> 00:07:25,661 Er, yeah, sure. 197 00:07:25,661 --> 00:07:26,941 Not if it's an emergency, 198 00:07:26,941 --> 00:07:29,221 but try not call if you can't find the cheese grater. 199 00:07:29,221 --> 00:07:30,301 Or scissors. 200 00:07:30,301 --> 00:07:32,501 Or batteries for the new remote. 201 00:07:32,501 --> 00:07:35,141 - Yeah. - Oh, yeah. OK. HE CHUCKLES 202 00:07:35,141 --> 00:07:37,501 I mean how much trouble can one man and a baby get into, 203 00:07:37,501 --> 00:07:38,901 sat in a flat all night? 204 00:07:38,901 --> 00:07:41,021 Fire. Flood. Baby drinks bleach? 205 00:07:41,021 --> 00:07:42,341 Right. Shut up. 206 00:07:44,421 --> 00:07:46,741 - Hiya. - All right, ladies? 207 00:07:46,741 --> 00:07:49,101 Ha. Right. Hey. Pizza time? 208 00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:51,621 You know what? I'm feeling a bit adventurous, 209 00:07:51,621 --> 00:07:53,181 so I might have that one with an egg on it. 210 00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:55,181 Oh, yeah, I should have said sooner, boss man - 211 00:07:55,181 --> 00:07:57,501 - we're going out. - What? No. 212 00:07:57,501 --> 00:08:00,381 No. Me and Sadie are not leaving this flat. 213 00:08:00,381 --> 00:08:02,141 No way. 214 00:08:05,221 --> 00:08:06,981 So this kitten we're gonna pick up, 215 00:08:06,981 --> 00:08:08,941 do you think it'll be all right with Sadie? 216 00:08:08,941 --> 00:08:11,941 You know, what if she gets a rash? You still got that creme? 217 00:08:11,941 --> 00:08:15,101 Yeah, I might have been fibbin' about the kitten. 218 00:08:15,101 --> 00:08:17,701 Oh...you! 219 00:08:17,701 --> 00:08:19,421 God! Turn this car around. 220 00:08:19,421 --> 00:08:21,381 Yeah, you know I'm not gonna do that, Malcolm. 221 00:08:21,381 --> 00:08:24,181 God! I've got one job and that's to look after Sadie. 222 00:08:24,181 --> 00:08:26,101 And to have coins for parking. 223 00:08:26,101 --> 00:08:28,901 Relax, it's not like I'm taking us all abseiling, is it? 224 00:08:28,901 --> 00:08:30,781 HE GROANS 225 00:08:31,941 --> 00:08:35,421 All right, look, my eldest has informed me 226 00:08:35,421 --> 00:08:38,381 that her mother is getting remarried 227 00:08:38,381 --> 00:08:40,701 and tonight is the engagement party. 228 00:08:40,701 --> 00:08:42,941 Oh, mate, I'm sorry. 229 00:08:42,941 --> 00:08:44,861 Obviously, I don't give a fuck. 230 00:08:44,861 --> 00:08:47,941 - OK. - Get your hands off me. - All right. 231 00:08:47,941 --> 00:08:49,981 Well, why are me and Sadie here? 232 00:08:49,981 --> 00:08:54,061 You two are here to help me ruin her night, just like she ruined my life. 233 00:08:56,901 --> 00:08:58,581 DEREK SIGHS 234 00:08:58,581 --> 00:08:59,941 MEN BICKER 235 00:08:59,941 --> 00:09:01,581 Urgh, "British Tapas"? 236 00:09:01,581 --> 00:09:03,941 Yeah, this place might have changed a bit. 237 00:09:08,541 --> 00:09:10,701 Ugh, it's giving banker wanker. 238 00:09:10,701 --> 00:09:12,621 Oh, sorry I'm late. 239 00:09:12,621 --> 00:09:13,941 - Here she is. - I'll catch up. 240 00:09:13,941 --> 00:09:15,341 - Three of those, please. - No problem. 241 00:09:15,341 --> 00:09:17,941 - Er, Rita? - Mm? - They're not ours. 242 00:09:17,941 --> 00:09:19,021 So? 243 00:09:21,341 --> 00:09:22,861 Have you had some tea? 244 00:09:22,861 --> 00:09:24,221 You know, lined your stomach? 245 00:09:24,221 --> 00:09:26,661 Well, my plan was to grab a chip butty on the way here, 246 00:09:26,661 --> 00:09:28,901 but I got myself accidentally locked in a park. 247 00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:30,821 The only thing to eat was litter and pine cones, 248 00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:33,301 and that's not a good tea by anyone's standards. 249 00:09:33,301 --> 00:09:34,861 You got locked in the park? 250 00:09:34,861 --> 00:09:37,181 Yeah. But I'm fine now. 251 00:09:37,181 --> 00:09:38,861 Do you want to tell us what happened, then? 252 00:09:38,861 --> 00:09:42,461 Not every single element of my life is up for grabs as an anecdote. 253 00:09:42,461 --> 00:09:44,341 - Oh. - Right, I thought we'd start with White Russians. 254 00:09:44,341 --> 00:09:45,661 Ooh! 255 00:09:45,661 --> 00:09:48,621 - Boozy milkshake. - Mmm. - Yum! 256 00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:50,381 Well, what's up, Gemma, love? 257 00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:51,941 Hey. 258 00:09:51,941 --> 00:09:53,501 You said milk. 259 00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:55,141 - Oh. - Oh. 260 00:09:55,141 --> 00:09:56,741 - It's Sadie's feeding time. - Mm. 261 00:09:57,821 --> 00:10:00,781 Babe, we can go if you want to. This place is mid. 262 00:10:00,781 --> 00:10:02,341 I don't want to go. 263 00:10:02,341 --> 00:10:05,501 No, you know what? I haven't had any action for months. 264 00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:07,381 I am not leaving here until I've been felt up, 265 00:10:07,381 --> 00:10:09,341 - at the very least. - Mmm. - Yeah. 266 00:10:09,341 --> 00:10:11,021 Why don't you ask your dad for a photo? 267 00:10:11,021 --> 00:10:13,341 Ooh, yes, please. Make sure you get his chest hair in. 268 00:10:13,341 --> 00:10:14,581 Of the baby! 269 00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:16,101 Well, I can have both! 270 00:10:16,101 --> 00:10:18,221 Hey, come on. I want to get battered. 271 00:10:18,221 --> 00:10:19,621 Slow down. 272 00:10:19,621 --> 00:10:20,821 Sorry. 273 00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:23,141 Christ, this is gonna be a right fun night, isn't it? 274 00:10:24,421 --> 00:10:25,781 I'm not sure about this, mate! 275 00:10:25,781 --> 00:10:27,861 OK, Malcolm, once again, you're being a massive pussy. 276 00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:29,781 Don't let me down. Come on. This is life or death. 277 00:10:29,781 --> 00:10:32,021 All right, my love, it's all right. Grandad's here. 278 00:10:36,541 --> 00:10:38,661 Derek. Derek, I'm just a bit worried. 279 00:10:38,661 --> 00:10:39,941 You know that she... 280 00:10:39,941 --> 00:10:42,141 ..she might see something a bit untoward or something? 281 00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,381 Oh, Malcolm, grow up. 282 00:10:44,381 --> 00:10:46,461 It's a family boozer, not a strip club. 283 00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:52,301 OK. This is our little secret, OK? Don't tell Mummy about this. 284 00:10:52,301 --> 00:10:53,781 Good girl. 285 00:10:53,781 --> 00:10:55,061 DOG YAPS 286 00:10:55,061 --> 00:10:56,301 There's a dog in here. 287 00:10:56,301 --> 00:10:58,181 There's a massive dog in here. DOG WHIMPERS 288 00:10:58,181 --> 00:10:59,461 All right? 289 00:10:59,461 --> 00:11:00,541 Degsy. 290 00:11:00,541 --> 00:11:02,061 So where's this engagement party, then? 291 00:11:02,061 --> 00:11:03,421 Wrong Red Lion, mate. MESSAGE CHIMES 292 00:11:03,421 --> 00:11:06,301 Look, Debs loved it here. This is our Red Lion. 293 00:11:06,301 --> 00:11:08,061 Not any more - she's changed. 294 00:11:08,061 --> 00:11:09,821 She likes feta cheese now. 295 00:11:09,821 --> 00:11:11,541 Oh! 296 00:11:11,541 --> 00:11:13,221 Such a bitch. 297 00:11:13,221 --> 00:11:14,941 Oh, God! 298 00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:16,661 It's from Gemma. 299 00:11:16,661 --> 00:11:20,381 She wants a photo of Sadie and we're not in the flat, are we? 300 00:11:20,381 --> 00:11:22,141 Jesus Christ, Malcolm, she's not expecting 301 00:11:22,141 --> 00:11:24,621 a picture of her baby perched on the fucking cooker, is she? 302 00:11:24,621 --> 00:11:26,141 Here. Just get in really tight. 303 00:11:26,141 --> 00:11:28,221 Give it here. Give it here. Go on. Go on. 304 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,941 - There you go. See? Right up close. - CAMERA CLICKS 305 00:11:29,941 --> 00:11:31,061 Piece of piss. 306 00:11:31,061 --> 00:11:32,381 Can we go home now? 307 00:11:32,381 --> 00:11:33,901 No. There are six other Red Lions 308 00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:35,741 within a half-hour's driving distance 309 00:11:35,741 --> 00:11:38,101 of Debs' new place, so we'd better crack on. 310 00:11:38,101 --> 00:11:39,421 - Cheers, Gav. - Cheers. 311 00:11:39,421 --> 00:11:40,781 I want Debs barred by the way. 312 00:11:40,781 --> 00:11:42,021 Consider it done. 313 00:11:43,461 --> 00:11:44,941 DOG WHIMPERS Hi. Shh, shh. 314 00:11:44,941 --> 00:11:46,221 HE MUTTERS 315 00:11:47,621 --> 00:11:50,341 Is that my baby's nose? 316 00:11:50,341 --> 00:11:52,261 Did he take it in a cupboard? 317 00:11:52,261 --> 00:11:53,661 "A proper one, please." 318 00:11:54,821 --> 00:11:56,461 Right, come on. 319 00:11:56,461 --> 00:11:59,541 So tell me - whatever happened on this best-ever night out? 320 00:11:59,541 --> 00:12:01,061 Oh, OK. 321 00:12:01,061 --> 00:12:02,901 - So I drank cocktails. - Ooh. 322 00:12:02,901 --> 00:12:04,701 I danced until dawn. 323 00:12:04,701 --> 00:12:07,341 I watched the sunrise with a very gorgeous personal trainer 324 00:12:07,341 --> 00:12:08,701 called Mason. 325 00:12:08,701 --> 00:12:10,341 Who months later, gave me an STI, 326 00:12:10,341 --> 00:12:11,741 but we'll skip over that bit. 327 00:12:11,741 --> 00:12:13,221 Mason Groves?! 328 00:12:13,221 --> 00:12:15,621 - Oh, my God, do you know him? - Only by reputation. 329 00:12:15,621 --> 00:12:17,141 My mate works at the knob clinic. 330 00:12:24,981 --> 00:12:27,941 This is the last Red Lion we're going into, you understand? 331 00:12:27,941 --> 00:12:29,741 Yeah, you said that three Red Lions ago. 332 00:12:29,741 --> 00:12:31,261 Sadie's tired. 333 00:12:31,261 --> 00:12:32,621 And I need to change her. 334 00:12:32,621 --> 00:12:34,181 Is that a baby? 335 00:12:34,181 --> 00:12:35,661 Yeah. 336 00:12:35,661 --> 00:12:37,261 Why? 337 00:12:37,261 --> 00:12:38,461 "Why is it a baby?"? 338 00:12:38,461 --> 00:12:40,661 Why'd you bring a baby in here? 339 00:12:40,661 --> 00:12:44,701 Um, is there possibly anywhere I could change her nappy? 340 00:12:44,701 --> 00:12:46,301 There's no ladies toilet. 341 00:12:47,621 --> 00:12:49,061 There are no ladies! 342 00:12:50,821 --> 00:12:52,941 There's no ladies. 343 00:12:52,941 --> 00:12:55,981 I think...the gents are down there. 344 00:12:55,981 --> 00:12:57,821 OK. 345 00:12:57,821 --> 00:12:59,701 I'd better go and check it out first, all right? 346 00:12:59,701 --> 00:13:01,941 - All right. I'll wait here. - Here y'are, take her. - What you doing? 347 00:13:01,941 --> 00:13:03,341 Well, I don't want to take her in there. 348 00:13:03,341 --> 00:13:06,301 There could be men in there, couldn't there?! WHISPERS: - Hurry up! 349 00:13:10,501 --> 00:13:11,701 DOOR OPENS 350 00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:15,461 DOOR SHUTS 351 00:13:18,541 --> 00:13:19,661 HE GRUNTS 352 00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:24,461 I... I... 353 00:13:24,461 --> 00:13:26,061 I wouldn't go in there, mate. 354 00:13:26,061 --> 00:13:27,541 What, are the seats made of plastic? 355 00:13:27,541 --> 00:13:28,901 And caked in shit. 356 00:13:28,901 --> 00:13:30,381 HE SIGHS PHONE VIBRATES 357 00:13:30,381 --> 00:13:31,621 Oh, God. 358 00:13:33,621 --> 00:13:35,421 PHONE VIBRATES HE GRUNTS 359 00:13:36,701 --> 00:13:39,501 Dad, I asked you for a proper picture ages ago. 360 00:13:39,501 --> 00:13:41,381 Wait, where are you? 361 00:13:41,381 --> 00:13:43,181 Er, I'm in the flat. Obviously. 362 00:13:43,181 --> 00:13:45,141 Ha-ha. MUFFLED COUGHING 363 00:13:45,141 --> 00:13:46,941 Who's with you? 364 00:13:46,941 --> 00:13:48,381 Is Derek there? 365 00:13:48,381 --> 00:13:50,621 No, no. It's, um... 366 00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:52,101 Foz. 367 00:13:52,101 --> 00:13:53,341 Foz? 368 00:13:53,341 --> 00:13:54,661 Hi, Foz. 369 00:13:54,661 --> 00:13:56,101 What are you doing with my dad? 370 00:13:56,101 --> 00:13:57,781 I'm having a piss. 371 00:13:57,781 --> 00:13:59,341 He's joking. Yeah. 372 00:13:59,341 --> 00:14:00,981 Oh, um, actually, he's not joking, no. 373 00:14:00,981 --> 00:14:02,181 Foz is a mate from work 374 00:14:02,181 --> 00:14:04,301 and he's just come round to use the toilet cos his broken. 375 00:14:04,301 --> 00:14:05,981 You know, so we're just in the bathroom. 376 00:14:05,981 --> 00:14:07,261 You're in there with him? 377 00:14:07,261 --> 00:14:10,541 Yeah, just... You know, showing him the bath-mat. 378 00:14:10,541 --> 00:14:12,501 Anyway, Sadie was asleep, but she's awake now, 379 00:14:12,501 --> 00:14:14,181 so I'll send you some photos, all right? 380 00:14:14,181 --> 00:14:15,341 OK. See you later. 381 00:14:15,341 --> 00:14:16,701 HE EXHALES SHARPLY 382 00:14:16,701 --> 00:14:18,661 HE PANTS 383 00:14:18,661 --> 00:14:20,301 I think I got away with that. 384 00:14:20,301 --> 00:14:22,221 Can I finish my piss now? 385 00:14:22,221 --> 00:14:23,941 Oh, yeah. Yeah, no problem. 386 00:14:23,941 --> 00:14:25,181 Right. 387 00:14:25,181 --> 00:14:26,581 SPLASHING 388 00:14:27,821 --> 00:14:30,101 Why does your dad look absolutely terrified? 389 00:14:30,101 --> 00:14:31,581 Hmm. 390 00:14:31,581 --> 00:14:33,341 What about him? He's nice. 391 00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,781 - That's a yucca plant! - Is it? 392 00:14:36,781 --> 00:14:38,301 I thought it were a skinny lad. 393 00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:41,621 Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're right. 394 00:14:46,101 --> 00:14:48,421 - Mmm! - Ooh... 395 00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:50,421 Now, THAT is a tasty snack. 396 00:14:50,421 --> 00:14:53,581 Oh, if you're getting a snack, Gemma, I would love some peanuts. 397 00:14:53,581 --> 00:14:54,701 Yeah. 398 00:14:56,941 --> 00:14:57,981 CHAIR SCRAPES Oh! 399 00:14:57,981 --> 00:14:59,061 I'm fine. 400 00:14:59,061 --> 00:15:00,581 - Hey. - I'm fine. - Hey. 401 00:15:00,581 --> 00:15:02,781 - Is your friend OK? - Mm-hm. 402 00:15:02,781 --> 00:15:04,861 She's not had any tea, so... 403 00:15:04,861 --> 00:15:06,021 SHE CHUCKLES 404 00:15:06,021 --> 00:15:07,581 I'm Hodge. 405 00:15:07,581 --> 00:15:09,901 Paul Hodgson. People call me Hodge. 406 00:15:09,901 --> 00:15:12,581 - I'm Gemma. People call me Gemma. - SHE CHUCKLES 407 00:15:12,581 --> 00:15:15,341 Ah...ow! 408 00:15:15,341 --> 00:15:16,821 Are you having a heart attack? 409 00:15:16,821 --> 00:15:19,221 Oh! Oh, let's hope so! 410 00:15:19,221 --> 00:15:20,341 THEY LAUGH 411 00:15:20,341 --> 00:15:21,701 So tell me about yourself, then. 412 00:15:21,701 --> 00:15:23,461 - Well, I work in... - Actually, no, I can't do that - 413 00:15:23,461 --> 00:15:24,701 I need to whimper. 414 00:15:24,701 --> 00:15:26,421 SHE GROANS, SQUEALS 415 00:15:26,421 --> 00:15:27,901 Cherry! HE CLEARS THROAT 416 00:15:27,901 --> 00:15:29,421 Oh. Yep. 417 00:15:29,421 --> 00:15:32,581 SHE WHIMPERS 418 00:15:32,581 --> 00:15:35,501 - Hi. - You OK, babe? - My boobs are about to explode. 419 00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:37,501 - Oh, right. - Are they fake? 420 00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:39,541 No, you bellend, they're full of milk! 421 00:15:39,541 --> 00:15:41,141 Oh, my God! Why?! 422 00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,101 She's just had a baby and she's missed a feed. 423 00:15:43,101 --> 00:15:44,301 Oh! How do I make it stop? 424 00:15:44,301 --> 00:15:45,781 You need to get the milk out. Um... 425 00:15:45,781 --> 00:15:47,701 Shall I... Shall I get a pen lid and a knife? 426 00:15:47,701 --> 00:15:48,821 Why? 427 00:15:48,821 --> 00:15:50,461 Like when people's throats swell up? 428 00:15:50,461 --> 00:15:52,461 Stab the pen lid in and release the pressure. 429 00:15:52,461 --> 00:15:54,741 You want to perform a tracheotomy on her tits? 430 00:15:54,741 --> 00:15:55,781 Well, I don't know. 431 00:15:55,781 --> 00:15:58,381 How do men know so little about the female body? 432 00:15:58,381 --> 00:16:00,981 - Right. Come on, babe. - Mm! 433 00:16:00,981 --> 00:16:02,741 - Rita, come here. - OK. 434 00:16:02,741 --> 00:16:04,341 Just getting my bag. 435 00:16:04,341 --> 00:16:06,421 Right. That's it. I'm calling a cab. 436 00:16:06,421 --> 00:16:08,781 Well, can I borrow Sadie, then? 437 00:16:08,781 --> 00:16:10,621 - No! - What? I'll bring her back! 438 00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:13,021 Why did you even drag us along tonight, eh? 439 00:16:13,021 --> 00:16:15,461 SADIE FUSSES 440 00:16:16,541 --> 00:16:17,821 The plan was... 441 00:16:19,421 --> 00:16:20,861 ..to turn up at the engagement party 442 00:16:20,861 --> 00:16:22,221 and pretend I'd had a baby 443 00:16:22,221 --> 00:16:25,701 with a much younger, fitter, less-of-a-massive-bitch woman. 444 00:16:25,701 --> 00:16:27,501 God! And who was I in all this? 445 00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:30,901 Personal assistant? 446 00:16:30,901 --> 00:16:32,701 I know. I know it's stupid. I just... 447 00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:33,981 SADIE CRIES 448 00:16:33,981 --> 00:16:36,101 I wanted Debs to think that I was doing great without her 449 00:16:36,101 --> 00:16:37,341 and I wasn't some... 450 00:16:39,021 --> 00:16:40,501 ..sad loser. 451 00:16:40,501 --> 00:16:41,781 Oh, mate. 452 00:16:43,021 --> 00:16:44,541 Come on. MESSAGE CHIMES 453 00:16:44,541 --> 00:16:46,421 - You're not a sad loser. - Ohh! 454 00:16:46,421 --> 00:16:48,821 Finally, the fucking kids have given me the actual address. 455 00:16:48,821 --> 00:16:51,341 Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha! Let's go, Malcs. Let's go! 456 00:16:51,341 --> 00:16:53,021 Look, I'm gonna change her first, though, OK? 457 00:16:53,021 --> 00:16:54,621 - All right. All right. Come on. - SADIE FUSSES 458 00:16:54,621 --> 00:16:56,381 Shh, shh, shh, shh. 459 00:16:56,381 --> 00:16:59,061 You need to self-express, babe. 460 00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:01,221 Are you gently massaging your breasts? 461 00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:03,341 No, I'm punching them with bricks. 462 00:17:04,341 --> 00:17:07,861 She shouldn't even be here. She should be at home with her baby. 463 00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:11,061 Who the fuck asked your opinion? 464 00:17:11,061 --> 00:17:12,421 Are you starting on me? 465 00:17:12,421 --> 00:17:13,661 Oh, once I start... 466 00:17:13,661 --> 00:17:15,461 - Mm! - ..you'll know about it. - Oh... 467 00:17:15,461 --> 00:17:17,581 There's been a complaint. 468 00:17:17,581 --> 00:17:18,701 KNOCKING 469 00:17:18,701 --> 00:17:20,061 Miss? 470 00:17:20,061 --> 00:17:22,381 Yeah, no milking in here and I need you to leave. 471 00:17:22,381 --> 00:17:23,501 What? 472 00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:24,701 Did you grass? 473 00:17:24,701 --> 00:17:26,381 PHONE LINE RINGS 474 00:17:26,381 --> 00:17:28,261 Oh, no, it's Gemma. 475 00:17:28,261 --> 00:17:29,661 Dad? We're coming home. 476 00:17:29,661 --> 00:17:31,821 Oh...no, no. Don't do that. 477 00:17:31,821 --> 00:17:34,381 Yes, I do need to do that cos I need to pump. 478 00:17:34,381 --> 00:17:36,421 HORN HONKS Disgusting. 479 00:17:36,421 --> 00:17:38,621 Oh, my God, are you not at the flat? 480 00:17:38,621 --> 00:17:39,941 - What?! - Um... 481 00:17:39,941 --> 00:17:40,981 Where are you? 482 00:17:40,981 --> 00:17:43,381 I'm in Derek's car. We're going to The Red Lion. 483 00:17:43,381 --> 00:17:44,901 Which Red Lion? 484 00:17:44,901 --> 00:17:46,901 We'll drop you a pin. Do join us, Gemma. 485 00:17:46,901 --> 00:17:48,741 - Oh, fucking knew it. - I'm sorry! 486 00:17:48,741 --> 00:17:51,781 LINE BEEPS Don't apologise. 487 00:17:51,781 --> 00:17:53,501 Oi, Rita! 488 00:17:53,501 --> 00:17:54,821 Are you coming or what? 489 00:17:54,821 --> 00:17:57,861 Oh, get me a Bacardi and coke! 490 00:17:57,861 --> 00:18:00,141 And I'll catch you up. 491 00:18:00,141 --> 00:18:02,621 Hey! Don't touch my hair, Naughty. 492 00:18:02,621 --> 00:18:04,101 Yes, Mummy. 493 00:18:15,381 --> 00:18:17,501 MUFFLED CHATTER 494 00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:18,941 HE GROANS 495 00:18:18,941 --> 00:18:20,701 - Right. - Oh, Derek... 496 00:18:20,701 --> 00:18:22,741 - Give me that bag. - Er, I can explain... 497 00:18:25,181 --> 00:18:26,581 DOOR OPENS 498 00:18:27,581 --> 00:18:29,381 Ow. 499 00:18:29,381 --> 00:18:32,141 - Why is it so painful? - Um... 500 00:18:33,981 --> 00:18:36,141 OK. So, here's the plan. 501 00:18:36,141 --> 00:18:37,621 No. There is no plan, OK? 502 00:18:37,621 --> 00:18:39,661 I need to express this incredibly painful milk 503 00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:42,461 and pour it down the sink cos it's probably 30% Chardonnay 504 00:18:42,461 --> 00:18:44,421 and then I'm taking my baby home. OK? 505 00:18:44,421 --> 00:18:45,741 Disabled toilets? 506 00:18:45,741 --> 00:18:48,301 - At least you get your own sink. - Yeah. - Why are you so spiteful? 507 00:18:48,301 --> 00:18:50,821 You can't just give me two fucking minutes to go find my ex-wife, 508 00:18:50,821 --> 00:18:53,901 bring her over, and introduce you as my hot new girlfriend, can you? 509 00:18:53,901 --> 00:18:55,541 Have you lost your fucking mind? 510 00:18:55,541 --> 00:18:58,141 Gemma, everyone says we'd make a great couple. 511 00:18:58,141 --> 00:19:00,261 Malcolm says it all the time. 512 00:19:00,261 --> 00:19:03,061 Would it hurt just to play along, eh? 513 00:19:03,061 --> 00:19:04,741 I mean, Debs is a real bitch. 514 00:19:04,741 --> 00:19:06,141 Apparently. 515 00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:11,181 Derek! You made it! 516 00:19:11,181 --> 00:19:12,381 You invited me? 517 00:19:12,381 --> 00:19:14,981 - Yeah, 'course I did. Ages ago. - MALCOLM CHUCKLES 518 00:19:14,981 --> 00:19:16,581 Oh, did you not get it? 519 00:19:16,581 --> 00:19:18,421 Andy's been eating the mail. 520 00:19:18,421 --> 00:19:21,181 Who the fuck do you two hanging around with? 521 00:19:21,181 --> 00:19:22,901 Me and the kids have been a bit worried about you. 522 00:19:22,901 --> 00:19:24,541 I'm fine. 523 00:19:24,541 --> 00:19:28,261 SADIE FUSSES Oh, hello! 524 00:19:28,261 --> 00:19:30,701 Oh, who's this gorgeous little thing? 525 00:19:30,701 --> 00:19:32,661 - Sadie. - Oh! 526 00:19:32,661 --> 00:19:34,981 - She is my new daughter. - Oh, we're not doing that, are we? 527 00:19:34,981 --> 00:19:38,501 Mm-hm. And this is her mother - my beautiful fiancee, Cherry, 528 00:19:38,501 --> 00:19:41,701 who is also really fucking hot and not a total harpy. 529 00:19:41,701 --> 00:19:43,021 Fiancee? 530 00:19:43,021 --> 00:19:45,181 Don't fucking dare. 531 00:19:45,181 --> 00:19:47,461 And this is my bodyguard, Malcolm. 532 00:19:48,701 --> 00:19:49,981 Kevin Coaster. 533 00:19:49,981 --> 00:19:51,541 Malcolm...Kevin Coaster. 534 00:19:51,541 --> 00:19:52,901 OK. 535 00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:55,181 Well, it's an improvement on last time we saw you, eh? 536 00:19:55,181 --> 00:19:56,221 THEY CHUCKLE 537 00:20:00,261 --> 00:20:02,861 See that? Total fucking bitch. 538 00:20:02,861 --> 00:20:04,421 She seems really nice. 539 00:20:06,381 --> 00:20:08,061 Are you sure she's a bitch, mate? 540 00:20:10,381 --> 00:20:12,381 - She's wonderful. - Oh, mate. 541 00:20:12,381 --> 00:20:14,821 She's the love of my life and I messed it up, Malcom. 542 00:20:14,821 --> 00:20:16,261 There you go, mate. There you go. 543 00:20:16,261 --> 00:20:18,061 Come on. DEREK SOBS 544 00:20:18,061 --> 00:20:19,341 You know what to do, don't you? 545 00:20:19,341 --> 00:20:21,741 Yeah. Yeah. 546 00:20:21,741 --> 00:20:23,421 DEREK SOBS 547 00:20:23,421 --> 00:20:25,181 KNOCKING ON DOOR 548 00:20:26,501 --> 00:20:27,821 SHE SIGHS 549 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,501 Hello. 550 00:20:30,501 --> 00:20:31,981 So much for a fun night out. 551 00:20:31,981 --> 00:20:33,341 CHERRY LAUGHS 552 00:20:33,341 --> 00:20:35,221 It's been pretty shit. 553 00:20:35,221 --> 00:20:37,261 Ever miss your life before the twins? 554 00:20:37,261 --> 00:20:39,141 Oh, God. I did at first. 555 00:20:39,141 --> 00:20:40,861 When you're in the thick of it, you're thinking, 556 00:20:40,861 --> 00:20:44,501 "What have I done? Why two at the same time? That's nuts." 557 00:20:44,501 --> 00:20:47,661 And, "Can I leave the one that does not stop crying under a bush?" 558 00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:51,221 But when you realise 559 00:20:51,221 --> 00:20:53,181 you're their entire universe. 560 00:20:54,701 --> 00:20:56,661 There is no going back to your old life. 561 00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:01,661 More importantly, you don't want to. 562 00:21:03,821 --> 00:21:04,981 Thanks. 563 00:21:06,621 --> 00:21:10,461 If it helps, I really like new Gemma. 564 00:21:10,461 --> 00:21:13,781 And Sadie fucking adores her. 565 00:21:13,781 --> 00:21:15,181 MUFFLED YELLING 566 00:21:15,181 --> 00:21:17,141 YELLING 567 00:21:17,141 --> 00:21:18,341 Fuck! 568 00:21:21,101 --> 00:21:22,821 ANGRY CHATTER 569 00:21:22,821 --> 00:21:24,781 - Oh! - Oh, my God. 570 00:21:24,781 --> 00:21:26,421 Dad! 571 00:21:26,421 --> 00:21:28,421 CHERRY, SADIE GASP 572 00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:29,781 No, it's OK. 573 00:21:29,781 --> 00:21:33,021 It's fine. Look, they're not made out of plastic. 574 00:21:33,021 --> 00:21:34,061 HE CHUCKLES 575 00:21:37,101 --> 00:21:40,021 - Want to leg it before the police turn up? - Yeah. 576 00:21:40,021 --> 00:21:41,981 - God. - Come on. 577 00:21:41,981 --> 00:21:43,541 Sorry, Debs. 578 00:21:43,541 --> 00:21:44,861 - Fuck you, Marcus. - Um... 40123

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