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1
00:00:02,021 --> 00:00:04,501
This programme
contains strong language.
2
00:00:04,501 --> 00:00:05,741
What the hell?
3
00:00:09,941 --> 00:00:11,301
TOY CLATTERS
4
00:00:12,901 --> 00:00:17,301
Sadie. Sadie? Dad?
5
00:00:17,301 --> 00:00:19,581
Oh, my God.
DOOR SLAMS
6
00:00:19,581 --> 00:00:20,981
Jesus Christ!
7
00:00:20,981 --> 00:00:22,861
I thought she'd been kidnapped.
8
00:00:22,861 --> 00:00:24,621
Who'd want to kidnap Sadie?
9
00:00:24,621 --> 00:00:26,021
Who wouldn't want to kidnap Sadie?
10
00:00:26,021 --> 00:00:27,341
What's wrong with her?
She's perfect.
11
00:00:27,341 --> 00:00:28,741
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right, love.
12
00:00:28,741 --> 00:00:31,221
Have you had a big coffee
down the shops?
13
00:00:31,221 --> 00:00:32,461
Yeah.
SADIE GURGLES
14
00:00:32,461 --> 00:00:33,981
Why are all her toys outside?
15
00:00:33,981 --> 00:00:35,741
Cos plastic is toxic.
16
00:00:35,741 --> 00:00:38,181
I mean, if Sadie ate that,
she'd be in real trouble.
17
00:00:38,181 --> 00:00:40,821
Because of choking? No, I've thrown
out everything that's choke-sized.
18
00:00:40,821 --> 00:00:42,181
Choking is a hazard,
19
00:00:42,181 --> 00:00:45,581
but ingesting or even touching
plastic is catastrophic.
20
00:00:45,581 --> 00:00:47,621
I've been doing some research -
on the YouTube.
21
00:00:47,621 --> 00:00:49,061
Oh, God.
22
00:00:49,061 --> 00:00:50,941
All plastic is evil.
23
00:00:50,941 --> 00:00:52,781
And I don't want to make
the same mistakes with Sadie
24
00:00:52,781 --> 00:00:54,621
as I made with you and Catherine.
25
00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,421
I mean, she's in prison,
isn't she?
26
00:00:56,421 --> 00:00:57,861
I know.
27
00:00:57,861 --> 00:01:00,221
But not because she ate
the feet off her Barbie.
28
00:01:01,981 --> 00:01:03,421
Although...
29
00:01:03,421 --> 00:01:04,821
Well, what's she gonna
play with now?
30
00:01:04,821 --> 00:01:05,941
Oh.
31
00:01:08,501 --> 00:01:10,541
Ta-da.
32
00:01:10,541 --> 00:01:12,141
It's all I could afford, you know.
33
00:01:12,141 --> 00:01:14,501
They're really expensive -
that's how you know they're good.
34
00:01:14,501 --> 00:01:15,981
- What does it do?
- Um...
35
00:01:15,981 --> 00:01:17,821
Well, not everything
has to do something, Gemma!
36
00:01:17,821 --> 00:01:19,021
SADIE COOS
Look!
37
00:01:19,021 --> 00:01:20,381
She loves it. Look, look.
38
00:01:20,381 --> 00:01:21,741
Look, a little car - look.
39
00:01:21,741 --> 00:01:23,581
HE IMITATES CAR
He's coming round the corner.
40
00:01:23,581 --> 00:01:24,741
HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES
41
00:01:24,741 --> 00:01:26,341
He's coming round the corner.
What's he doin'?
42
00:01:26,341 --> 00:01:27,461
HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES
43
00:01:33,221 --> 00:01:34,261
DISTANT DOOR SLAMS
44
00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:35,861
Fucking hell, Gem.
45
00:01:35,861 --> 00:01:36,941
What?
46
00:01:36,941 --> 00:01:39,541
That's the colour
that they wear on G Wing.
47
00:01:39,541 --> 00:01:40,901
They'll have you scrubbing
the toilets
48
00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:43,141
quicker than you can say,
"I used to be hot."
49
00:01:43,141 --> 00:01:45,821
Yeah, well,
the beige hides the milk stains.
50
00:01:45,821 --> 00:01:48,781
And I am still hot, thank you.
51
00:01:48,781 --> 00:01:51,301
You asked your cute pharmacist
out yet?
52
00:01:51,301 --> 00:01:52,821
No. Not yet.
53
00:01:53,861 --> 00:01:55,741
But when I do, you know -
54
00:01:55,741 --> 00:01:57,261
never been turned down.
55
00:01:57,261 --> 00:02:00,421
IF you're sure
that you've still got it...
56
00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:01,661
Got it?
57
00:02:01,661 --> 00:02:02,941
No, I am it.
58
00:02:02,941 --> 00:02:07,421
..then, um, well, you won't mind
doing me a teeny, tiny favour...
59
00:02:09,061 --> 00:02:11,061
..and tugging my solicitor off.
60
00:02:11,061 --> 00:02:12,341
That's not a favour!
61
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:13,981
That's like, I don't know -
assault?
62
00:02:13,981 --> 00:02:15,301
Oh, no, no!
63
00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,421
No, no. No, no, no.
64
00:02:17,421 --> 00:02:18,501
He'll like it.
65
00:02:19,581 --> 00:02:20,621
Cat!
66
00:02:21,621 --> 00:02:23,341
He won't return my calls.
67
00:02:23,341 --> 00:02:25,581
The answer is still no.
68
00:02:25,581 --> 00:02:26,621
Ugh!
69
00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:29,501
The old Gemma would have done it.
70
00:02:29,501 --> 00:02:30,581
No, she wouldn't!
71
00:02:31,781 --> 00:02:34,181
Anyway, just in case
you change your mind,
72
00:02:34,181 --> 00:02:36,461
he really likes the sting
73
00:02:36,461 --> 00:02:38,461
and the smell of anti-bac gel.
74
00:02:39,941 --> 00:02:41,701
Don't ask me how I know that.
75
00:02:41,701 --> 00:02:43,501
I'm not gonna.
76
00:02:43,501 --> 00:02:45,101
# Boop-boop, boop-boop
77
00:02:45,101 --> 00:02:46,901
# Boop... #
DOOR SHUTS
78
00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:48,421
# Ba, ba, ba
79
00:02:48,421 --> 00:02:49,821
# Ba, ba, ba, boop. #
80
00:02:49,821 --> 00:02:51,981
- I know!
- Hiya, baby.
81
00:02:51,981 --> 00:02:53,261
SADIE COOS
82
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:55,941
Three lemons and a stick?
83
00:02:55,941 --> 00:02:57,621
Er, three organic lemons!
84
00:02:57,621 --> 00:02:59,341
Only the best for my granddaughter.
85
00:02:59,341 --> 00:03:00,661
The stick's not organic, then?
86
00:03:00,661 --> 00:03:02,301
It better be. It cost me a tenner.
87
00:03:04,261 --> 00:03:09,261
Dad, I was wondering - how would
you feel about baby-sitting Sadie?
88
00:03:09,261 --> 00:03:11,701
Well, what do you think I've been
doing for the last three hours?
89
00:03:11,701 --> 00:03:13,421
No, I mean like all night.
90
00:03:13,421 --> 00:03:14,541
Oh.
91
00:03:14,541 --> 00:03:17,061
I kind of miss the old Gemma.
92
00:03:17,061 --> 00:03:20,981
You know, the one
who went on dates, had fun.
93
00:03:20,981 --> 00:03:22,581
I'd love to.
94
00:03:23,661 --> 00:03:24,821
Can Derek come over?
95
00:03:24,821 --> 00:03:25,941
Absolutely not.
96
00:03:34,901 --> 00:03:36,221
Hiya.
97
00:03:37,461 --> 00:03:40,741
Gemma, you look amazing.
98
00:03:40,741 --> 00:03:42,741
Oh, really?
99
00:03:42,741 --> 00:03:44,581
I've got you a present.
100
00:03:44,581 --> 00:03:45,941
Wow.
101
00:03:45,941 --> 00:03:47,821
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- It is
102
00:03:47,821 --> 00:03:51,581
..a yellow box
of hypodermic needles.
103
00:03:51,581 --> 00:03:53,621
That's...that's amazing,
that, Gemma. Thank you.
104
00:03:53,621 --> 00:03:55,341
Didn't you give birth,
like, six months ago?
105
00:03:55,341 --> 00:03:57,981
Mm-hm, but people keep hold of
these things for years, don't they?
106
00:03:57,981 --> 00:04:00,381
Cos you can't just chuck them
in a bin, can you?
107
00:04:00,381 --> 00:04:03,021
No. N-No, you can't, Gemma.
It's... It's medical waste.
108
00:04:03,021 --> 00:04:04,061
Exactly.
109
00:04:04,061 --> 00:04:05,701
Which is why I did not do that.
110
00:04:07,061 --> 00:04:09,781
Er, look, sorry
if I've been a bit...
111
00:04:10,861 --> 00:04:12,061
..distant, lately.
112
00:04:13,141 --> 00:04:14,541
Have you?
113
00:04:14,541 --> 00:04:16,821
It's just having a baby's
such a big thing,
114
00:04:16,821 --> 00:04:20,261
and I was I thinking...
115
00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:22,341
Well, I wasn't... I wasn't sure,
116
00:04:22,341 --> 00:04:25,181
but I thought maybe
y-you'd want space.
117
00:04:25,181 --> 00:04:26,541
Oh!
118
00:04:26,541 --> 00:04:30,341
What I actually wanted was
some very large sanitary pads.
119
00:04:30,341 --> 00:04:33,501
Yeah, er...
Yeah, 'course. Of course, sure.
120
00:04:33,501 --> 00:04:35,541
I'm joking. It's a joke.
121
00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:37,301
Ha-ha-ha.
SHE CHUCKLES
122
00:04:39,301 --> 00:04:41,061
Do you want to have
a night out soon?
123
00:04:42,261 --> 00:04:45,621
Yeah. Yeah. I would ab...
I would absolutely love that -
124
00:04:45,621 --> 00:04:47,221
me, you and Cherry.
125
00:04:47,221 --> 00:04:48,861
Yeah.
126
00:04:48,861 --> 00:04:52,101
Or just me and you - alone.
127
00:04:54,101 --> 00:04:55,181
Um...
128
00:04:55,181 --> 00:04:57,461
I should have told you
he was seeing someone else.
129
00:04:57,461 --> 00:04:59,381
I only found out myself
a few days ago
130
00:04:59,381 --> 00:05:01,661
- when I popped in for more
nit shampoo.
- Yeah, it's fine.
131
00:05:01,661 --> 00:05:04,301
I'm fine. I'm fine.
132
00:05:04,301 --> 00:05:05,741
It's OK not to be fine.
133
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,661
I missed my chance, didn't I?
134
00:05:09,661 --> 00:05:11,141
Did I ever even have a chance?
135
00:05:11,141 --> 00:05:13,301
Xander was really into you,
trust me. He just...
136
00:05:14,821 --> 00:05:16,741
..moved on.
137
00:05:16,741 --> 00:05:18,661
Fucking hell.
138
00:05:18,661 --> 00:05:20,261
I mean, I just had a baby!
139
00:05:20,261 --> 00:05:23,821
I know!
Men are very simple creatures.
140
00:05:23,821 --> 00:05:25,261
SADIE COOS
141
00:05:25,261 --> 00:05:26,341
All right, king?
142
00:05:26,341 --> 00:05:28,421
- I brought supplies.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
143
00:05:28,421 --> 00:05:29,661
Shut the door.
144
00:05:31,061 --> 00:05:32,741
Right, come on.
Talk me through this outfit.
145
00:05:32,741 --> 00:05:34,181
OK. So...
146
00:05:35,381 --> 00:05:36,541
Oh, wow.
147
00:05:37,621 --> 00:05:40,941
This is my weapons-grade
pulling dress, OK?
148
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:43,221
I wore this
on my best ever night out -
149
00:05:43,221 --> 00:05:46,141
which we will be recreating tonight,
down to the very last detail.
150
00:05:46,141 --> 00:05:48,301
I just want to snog
someone really fit.
151
00:05:48,301 --> 00:05:49,461
And that.
152
00:05:49,461 --> 00:05:50,781
Shush, shush, shush.
153
00:05:50,781 --> 00:05:52,621
You'd better stop
shushing me!
154
00:05:52,621 --> 00:05:54,341
You know I find it triggering.
155
00:05:54,341 --> 00:05:57,101
And you do know that baby's
not asleep, don't you?
156
00:05:57,101 --> 00:05:58,581
Gemma doesn't want you here.
157
00:05:58,581 --> 00:06:01,181
Oh, fucking bitch.
158
00:06:01,181 --> 00:06:02,821
Hey! Not in front of Sadie.
159
00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:05,501
She's going to have to learn
sometime, Malcolm.
160
00:06:05,501 --> 00:06:06,941
Anyway, I brought supplies.
161
00:06:06,941 --> 00:06:09,061
Yeah, I don't drink around the baby,
do I?
162
00:06:09,061 --> 00:06:10,861
It's not booze.
163
00:06:10,861 --> 00:06:13,061
I got you a really big tub
of nappy creme.
164
00:06:14,381 --> 00:06:15,861
Does it have plastic in it?
165
00:06:15,861 --> 00:06:17,261
You know what? I don't know.
166
00:06:22,901 --> 00:06:25,421
Ohh, what's he like?
What's he like?
167
00:06:25,421 --> 00:06:27,581
If you want me go, just say.
168
00:06:27,581 --> 00:06:30,421
Just stay here
until Gemma's gone, all right?
169
00:06:30,421 --> 00:06:31,581
Get that door.
170
00:06:34,501 --> 00:06:36,181
You're complicit now, Sadie.
171
00:06:38,181 --> 00:06:39,981
I'm not ready
to go through that again.
172
00:06:39,981 --> 00:06:42,381
Pfft! It took me a year
to even look at Lance's todge
173
00:06:42,381 --> 00:06:44,541
- after I gave birth.
- TMI, babe.
174
00:06:44,541 --> 00:06:45,981
And when I did,
it was another eight weeks
175
00:06:45,981 --> 00:06:47,421
before I could even touch it.
176
00:06:47,421 --> 00:06:49,341
OK, am I forgetting anything?
177
00:06:49,341 --> 00:06:50,661
Oh, er, passport.
178
00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:52,821
- Yes!
- I was joking.
179
00:06:52,821 --> 00:06:54,701
Well, no, we're not gonna
leave the country,
180
00:06:54,701 --> 00:06:56,821
- but we might hire a yacht.
- In Stockport?
181
00:06:56,821 --> 00:06:59,181
Yeah, the old Gemma did it - twice.
182
00:06:59,181 --> 00:07:00,221
Oh.
183
00:07:00,221 --> 00:07:02,941
Ooh, do you want to pump
those bad boys before we head out?
184
00:07:02,941 --> 00:07:04,181
Are you kidding?!
185
00:07:04,181 --> 00:07:05,981
These are working for me tonight.
186
00:07:05,981 --> 00:07:07,301
SADIE BABBLES
OK, so,
187
00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:09,141
if you want to take her
for a walk in the morning,
188
00:07:09,141 --> 00:07:12,501
you've got nappies, wipes,
spare clothes...
189
00:07:12,501 --> 00:07:14,021
Uh-huh.
190
00:07:14,021 --> 00:07:15,261
Oh, ha-ha.
191
00:07:15,261 --> 00:07:16,861
Er, don't think I need that, love.
192
00:07:16,861 --> 00:07:18,261
THEY CHUCKLE
193
00:07:18,261 --> 00:07:19,901
And if there are any problems...
194
00:07:19,901 --> 00:07:21,821
Yeah, no, don't worry,
I'll just call you.
195
00:07:21,821 --> 00:07:24,101
No, I was gonna say, "Can you try
and sort them out yourself?"
196
00:07:24,101 --> 00:07:25,661
Er, yeah, sure.
197
00:07:25,661 --> 00:07:26,941
Not if it's an emergency,
198
00:07:26,941 --> 00:07:29,221
but try not call
if you can't find the cheese grater.
199
00:07:29,221 --> 00:07:30,301
Or scissors.
200
00:07:30,301 --> 00:07:32,501
Or batteries for the new remote.
201
00:07:32,501 --> 00:07:35,141
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah. OK.
HE CHUCKLES
202
00:07:35,141 --> 00:07:37,501
I mean how much trouble
can one man and a baby get into,
203
00:07:37,501 --> 00:07:38,901
sat in a flat all night?
204
00:07:38,901 --> 00:07:41,021
Fire. Flood. Baby drinks bleach?
205
00:07:41,021 --> 00:07:42,341
Right. Shut up.
206
00:07:44,421 --> 00:07:46,741
- Hiya.
- All right, ladies?
207
00:07:46,741 --> 00:07:49,101
Ha. Right. Hey. Pizza time?
208
00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:51,621
You know what?
I'm feeling a bit adventurous,
209
00:07:51,621 --> 00:07:53,181
so I might have that one
with an egg on it.
210
00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:55,181
Oh, yeah, I should have said sooner,
boss man -
211
00:07:55,181 --> 00:07:57,501
- we're going out.
- What? No.
212
00:07:57,501 --> 00:08:00,381
No. Me and Sadie
are not leaving this flat.
213
00:08:00,381 --> 00:08:02,141
No way.
214
00:08:05,221 --> 00:08:06,981
So this kitten we're gonna pick up,
215
00:08:06,981 --> 00:08:08,941
do you think it'll be
all right with Sadie?
216
00:08:08,941 --> 00:08:11,941
You know, what if she gets a rash?
You still got that creme?
217
00:08:11,941 --> 00:08:15,101
Yeah, I might have been fibbin'
about the kitten.
218
00:08:15,101 --> 00:08:17,701
Oh...you!
219
00:08:17,701 --> 00:08:19,421
God! Turn this car around.
220
00:08:19,421 --> 00:08:21,381
Yeah, you know
I'm not gonna do that, Malcolm.
221
00:08:21,381 --> 00:08:24,181
God! I've got one job
and that's to look after Sadie.
222
00:08:24,181 --> 00:08:26,101
And to have coins for parking.
223
00:08:26,101 --> 00:08:28,901
Relax, it's not like
I'm taking us all abseiling, is it?
224
00:08:28,901 --> 00:08:30,781
HE GROANS
225
00:08:31,941 --> 00:08:35,421
All right, look,
my eldest has informed me
226
00:08:35,421 --> 00:08:38,381
that her mother
is getting remarried
227
00:08:38,381 --> 00:08:40,701
and tonight is the engagement party.
228
00:08:40,701 --> 00:08:42,941
Oh, mate, I'm sorry.
229
00:08:42,941 --> 00:08:44,861
Obviously, I don't give a fuck.
230
00:08:44,861 --> 00:08:47,941
- OK.
- Get your hands off me.
- All right.
231
00:08:47,941 --> 00:08:49,981
Well, why are me and Sadie here?
232
00:08:49,981 --> 00:08:54,061
You two are here to help me ruin her
night, just like she ruined my life.
233
00:08:56,901 --> 00:08:58,581
DEREK SIGHS
234
00:08:58,581 --> 00:08:59,941
MEN BICKER
235
00:08:59,941 --> 00:09:01,581
Urgh, "British Tapas"?
236
00:09:01,581 --> 00:09:03,941
Yeah, this place
might have changed a bit.
237
00:09:08,541 --> 00:09:10,701
Ugh, it's giving banker wanker.
238
00:09:10,701 --> 00:09:12,621
Oh, sorry I'm late.
239
00:09:12,621 --> 00:09:13,941
- Here she is.
- I'll catch up.
240
00:09:13,941 --> 00:09:15,341
- Three of those, please.
- No problem.
241
00:09:15,341 --> 00:09:17,941
- Er, Rita?
- Mm?
- They're not ours.
242
00:09:17,941 --> 00:09:19,021
So?
243
00:09:21,341 --> 00:09:22,861
Have you had some tea?
244
00:09:22,861 --> 00:09:24,221
You know, lined your stomach?
245
00:09:24,221 --> 00:09:26,661
Well, my plan was to grab
a chip butty on the way here,
246
00:09:26,661 --> 00:09:28,901
but I got myself
accidentally locked in a park.
247
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:30,821
The only thing to eat
was litter and pine cones,
248
00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:33,301
and that's not a good tea
by anyone's standards.
249
00:09:33,301 --> 00:09:34,861
You got locked in the park?
250
00:09:34,861 --> 00:09:37,181
Yeah. But I'm fine now.
251
00:09:37,181 --> 00:09:38,861
Do you want to tell us
what happened, then?
252
00:09:38,861 --> 00:09:42,461
Not every single element of my life
is up for grabs as an anecdote.
253
00:09:42,461 --> 00:09:44,341
- Oh.
- Right, I thought
we'd start with White Russians.
254
00:09:44,341 --> 00:09:45,661
Ooh!
255
00:09:45,661 --> 00:09:48,621
- Boozy milkshake.
- Mmm.
- Yum!
256
00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:50,381
Well, what's up, Gemma, love?
257
00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:51,941
Hey.
258
00:09:51,941 --> 00:09:53,501
You said milk.
259
00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:55,141
- Oh.
- Oh.
260
00:09:55,141 --> 00:09:56,741
- It's Sadie's feeding time.
- Mm.
261
00:09:57,821 --> 00:10:00,781
Babe, we can go if you want to.
This place is mid.
262
00:10:00,781 --> 00:10:02,341
I don't want to go.
263
00:10:02,341 --> 00:10:05,501
No, you know what?
I haven't had any action for months.
264
00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:07,381
I am not leaving here
until I've been felt up,
265
00:10:07,381 --> 00:10:09,341
- at the very least.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
266
00:10:09,341 --> 00:10:11,021
Why don't you ask your dad
for a photo?
267
00:10:11,021 --> 00:10:13,341
Ooh, yes, please.
Make sure you get his chest hair in.
268
00:10:13,341 --> 00:10:14,581
Of the baby!
269
00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:16,101
Well, I can have both!
270
00:10:16,101 --> 00:10:18,221
Hey, come on.
I want to get battered.
271
00:10:18,221 --> 00:10:19,621
Slow down.
272
00:10:19,621 --> 00:10:20,821
Sorry.
273
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:23,141
Christ, this is gonna be
a right fun night, isn't it?
274
00:10:24,421 --> 00:10:25,781
I'm not sure about this, mate!
275
00:10:25,781 --> 00:10:27,861
OK, Malcolm, once again,
you're being a massive pussy.
276
00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:29,781
Don't let me down. Come on.
This is life or death.
277
00:10:29,781 --> 00:10:32,021
All right, my love, it's all right.
Grandad's here.
278
00:10:36,541 --> 00:10:38,661
Derek.
Derek, I'm just a bit worried.
279
00:10:38,661 --> 00:10:39,941
You know that she...
280
00:10:39,941 --> 00:10:42,141
..she might see something
a bit untoward or something?
281
00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,381
Oh, Malcolm, grow up.
282
00:10:44,381 --> 00:10:46,461
It's a family boozer,
not a strip club.
283
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:52,301
OK. This is our little secret, OK?
Don't tell Mummy about this.
284
00:10:52,301 --> 00:10:53,781
Good girl.
285
00:10:53,781 --> 00:10:55,061
DOG YAPS
286
00:10:55,061 --> 00:10:56,301
There's a dog in here.
287
00:10:56,301 --> 00:10:58,181
There's a massive dog in here.
DOG WHIMPERS
288
00:10:58,181 --> 00:10:59,461
All right?
289
00:10:59,461 --> 00:11:00,541
Degsy.
290
00:11:00,541 --> 00:11:02,061
So where's
this engagement party, then?
291
00:11:02,061 --> 00:11:03,421
Wrong Red Lion, mate.
MESSAGE CHIMES
292
00:11:03,421 --> 00:11:06,301
Look, Debs loved it here.
This is our Red Lion.
293
00:11:06,301 --> 00:11:08,061
Not any more - she's changed.
294
00:11:08,061 --> 00:11:09,821
She likes feta cheese now.
295
00:11:09,821 --> 00:11:11,541
Oh!
296
00:11:11,541 --> 00:11:13,221
Such a bitch.
297
00:11:13,221 --> 00:11:14,941
Oh, God!
298
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:16,661
It's from Gemma.
299
00:11:16,661 --> 00:11:20,381
She wants a photo of Sadie
and we're not in the flat, are we?
300
00:11:20,381 --> 00:11:22,141
Jesus Christ, Malcolm,
she's not expecting
301
00:11:22,141 --> 00:11:24,621
a picture of her baby perched
on the fucking cooker, is she?
302
00:11:24,621 --> 00:11:26,141
Here. Just get in really tight.
303
00:11:26,141 --> 00:11:28,221
Give it here. Give it here.
Go on. Go on.
304
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,941
- There you go. See? Right up close.
- CAMERA CLICKS
305
00:11:29,941 --> 00:11:31,061
Piece of piss.
306
00:11:31,061 --> 00:11:32,381
Can we go home now?
307
00:11:32,381 --> 00:11:33,901
No. There are six other Red Lions
308
00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:35,741
within a half-hour's
driving distance
309
00:11:35,741 --> 00:11:38,101
of Debs' new place,
so we'd better crack on.
310
00:11:38,101 --> 00:11:39,421
- Cheers, Gav.
- Cheers.
311
00:11:39,421 --> 00:11:40,781
I want Debs barred by the way.
312
00:11:40,781 --> 00:11:42,021
Consider it done.
313
00:11:43,461 --> 00:11:44,941
DOG WHIMPERS
Hi. Shh, shh.
314
00:11:44,941 --> 00:11:46,221
HE MUTTERS
315
00:11:47,621 --> 00:11:50,341
Is that my baby's nose?
316
00:11:50,341 --> 00:11:52,261
Did he take it in a cupboard?
317
00:11:52,261 --> 00:11:53,661
"A proper one, please."
318
00:11:54,821 --> 00:11:56,461
Right, come on.
319
00:11:56,461 --> 00:11:59,541
So tell me - whatever happened
on this best-ever night out?
320
00:11:59,541 --> 00:12:01,061
Oh, OK.
321
00:12:01,061 --> 00:12:02,901
- So I drank cocktails.
- Ooh.
322
00:12:02,901 --> 00:12:04,701
I danced until dawn.
323
00:12:04,701 --> 00:12:07,341
I watched the sunrise with
a very gorgeous personal trainer
324
00:12:07,341 --> 00:12:08,701
called Mason.
325
00:12:08,701 --> 00:12:10,341
Who months later, gave me an STI,
326
00:12:10,341 --> 00:12:11,741
but we'll skip over that bit.
327
00:12:11,741 --> 00:12:13,221
Mason Groves?!
328
00:12:13,221 --> 00:12:15,621
- Oh, my God, do you know him?
- Only by reputation.
329
00:12:15,621 --> 00:12:17,141
My mate works at the knob clinic.
330
00:12:24,981 --> 00:12:27,941
This is the last Red Lion
we're going into, you understand?
331
00:12:27,941 --> 00:12:29,741
Yeah, you said that
three Red Lions ago.
332
00:12:29,741 --> 00:12:31,261
Sadie's tired.
333
00:12:31,261 --> 00:12:32,621
And I need to change her.
334
00:12:32,621 --> 00:12:34,181
Is that a baby?
335
00:12:34,181 --> 00:12:35,661
Yeah.
336
00:12:35,661 --> 00:12:37,261
Why?
337
00:12:37,261 --> 00:12:38,461
"Why is it a baby?"?
338
00:12:38,461 --> 00:12:40,661
Why'd you bring a baby in here?
339
00:12:40,661 --> 00:12:44,701
Um, is there possibly anywhere
I could change her nappy?
340
00:12:44,701 --> 00:12:46,301
There's no ladies toilet.
341
00:12:47,621 --> 00:12:49,061
There are no ladies!
342
00:12:50,821 --> 00:12:52,941
There's no ladies.
343
00:12:52,941 --> 00:12:55,981
I think...the gents are down there.
344
00:12:55,981 --> 00:12:57,821
OK.
345
00:12:57,821 --> 00:12:59,701
I'd better go
and check it out first, all right?
346
00:12:59,701 --> 00:13:01,941
- All right. I'll wait here.
- Here
y'are, take her.
- What you doing?
347
00:13:01,941 --> 00:13:03,341
Well, I don't want
to take her in there.
348
00:13:03,341 --> 00:13:06,301
There could be men in there,
couldn't there?! WHISPERS:
- Hurry up!
349
00:13:10,501 --> 00:13:11,701
DOOR OPENS
350
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:15,461
DOOR SHUTS
351
00:13:18,541 --> 00:13:19,661
HE GRUNTS
352
00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:24,461
I... I...
353
00:13:24,461 --> 00:13:26,061
I wouldn't go in there, mate.
354
00:13:26,061 --> 00:13:27,541
What, are the seats made of plastic?
355
00:13:27,541 --> 00:13:28,901
And caked in shit.
356
00:13:28,901 --> 00:13:30,381
HE SIGHS
PHONE VIBRATES
357
00:13:30,381 --> 00:13:31,621
Oh, God.
358
00:13:33,621 --> 00:13:35,421
PHONE VIBRATES
HE GRUNTS
359
00:13:36,701 --> 00:13:39,501
Dad, I asked you for
a proper picture ages ago.
360
00:13:39,501 --> 00:13:41,381
Wait, where are you?
361
00:13:41,381 --> 00:13:43,181
Er, I'm in the flat. Obviously.
362
00:13:43,181 --> 00:13:45,141
Ha-ha.
MUFFLED COUGHING
363
00:13:45,141 --> 00:13:46,941
Who's with you?
364
00:13:46,941 --> 00:13:48,381
Is Derek there?
365
00:13:48,381 --> 00:13:50,621
No, no. It's, um...
366
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:52,101
Foz.
367
00:13:52,101 --> 00:13:53,341
Foz?
368
00:13:53,341 --> 00:13:54,661
Hi, Foz.
369
00:13:54,661 --> 00:13:56,101
What are you doing with my dad?
370
00:13:56,101 --> 00:13:57,781
I'm having a piss.
371
00:13:57,781 --> 00:13:59,341
He's joking. Yeah.
372
00:13:59,341 --> 00:14:00,981
Oh, um, actually,
he's not joking, no.
373
00:14:00,981 --> 00:14:02,181
Foz is a mate from work
374
00:14:02,181 --> 00:14:04,301
and he's just come round
to use the toilet cos his broken.
375
00:14:04,301 --> 00:14:05,981
You know,
so we're just in the bathroom.
376
00:14:05,981 --> 00:14:07,261
You're in there with him?
377
00:14:07,261 --> 00:14:10,541
Yeah, just... You know,
showing him the bath-mat.
378
00:14:10,541 --> 00:14:12,501
Anyway, Sadie was asleep,
but she's awake now,
379
00:14:12,501 --> 00:14:14,181
so I'll send you some photos,
all right?
380
00:14:14,181 --> 00:14:15,341
OK. See you later.
381
00:14:15,341 --> 00:14:16,701
HE EXHALES SHARPLY
382
00:14:16,701 --> 00:14:18,661
HE PANTS
383
00:14:18,661 --> 00:14:20,301
I think I got away with that.
384
00:14:20,301 --> 00:14:22,221
Can I finish my piss now?
385
00:14:22,221 --> 00:14:23,941
Oh, yeah. Yeah, no problem.
386
00:14:23,941 --> 00:14:25,181
Right.
387
00:14:25,181 --> 00:14:26,581
SPLASHING
388
00:14:27,821 --> 00:14:30,101
Why does your dad
look absolutely terrified?
389
00:14:30,101 --> 00:14:31,581
Hmm.
390
00:14:31,581 --> 00:14:33,341
What about him? He's nice.
391
00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,781
- That's a yucca plant!
- Is it?
392
00:14:36,781 --> 00:14:38,301
I thought it were a skinny lad.
393
00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:41,621
Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're right.
394
00:14:46,101 --> 00:14:48,421
- Mmm!
- Ooh...
395
00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:50,421
Now, THAT is a tasty snack.
396
00:14:50,421 --> 00:14:53,581
Oh, if you're getting a snack,
Gemma, I would love some peanuts.
397
00:14:53,581 --> 00:14:54,701
Yeah.
398
00:14:56,941 --> 00:14:57,981
CHAIR SCRAPES
Oh!
399
00:14:57,981 --> 00:14:59,061
I'm fine.
400
00:14:59,061 --> 00:15:00,581
- Hey.
- I'm fine.
- Hey.
401
00:15:00,581 --> 00:15:02,781
- Is your friend OK?
- Mm-hm.
402
00:15:02,781 --> 00:15:04,861
She's not had any tea, so...
403
00:15:04,861 --> 00:15:06,021
SHE CHUCKLES
404
00:15:06,021 --> 00:15:07,581
I'm Hodge.
405
00:15:07,581 --> 00:15:09,901
Paul Hodgson. People call me Hodge.
406
00:15:09,901 --> 00:15:12,581
- I'm Gemma. People call me Gemma.
- SHE CHUCKLES
407
00:15:12,581 --> 00:15:15,341
Ah...ow!
408
00:15:15,341 --> 00:15:16,821
Are you having a heart attack?
409
00:15:16,821 --> 00:15:19,221
Oh! Oh, let's hope so!
410
00:15:19,221 --> 00:15:20,341
THEY LAUGH
411
00:15:20,341 --> 00:15:21,701
So tell me about yourself, then.
412
00:15:21,701 --> 00:15:23,461
- Well, I work in...
- Actually, no, I can't do that -
413
00:15:23,461 --> 00:15:24,701
I need to whimper.
414
00:15:24,701 --> 00:15:26,421
SHE GROANS, SQUEALS
415
00:15:26,421 --> 00:15:27,901
Cherry!
HE CLEARS THROAT
416
00:15:27,901 --> 00:15:29,421
Oh. Yep.
417
00:15:29,421 --> 00:15:32,581
SHE WHIMPERS
418
00:15:32,581 --> 00:15:35,501
- Hi.
- You OK, babe?
- My boobs are about to explode.
419
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:37,501
- Oh, right.
- Are they fake?
420
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:39,541
No, you bellend,
they're full of milk!
421
00:15:39,541 --> 00:15:41,141
Oh, my God! Why?!
422
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,101
She's just had a baby
and she's missed a feed.
423
00:15:43,101 --> 00:15:44,301
Oh! How do I make it stop?
424
00:15:44,301 --> 00:15:45,781
You need to get the milk out. Um...
425
00:15:45,781 --> 00:15:47,701
Shall I...
Shall I get a pen lid and a knife?
426
00:15:47,701 --> 00:15:48,821
Why?
427
00:15:48,821 --> 00:15:50,461
Like when people's throats swell up?
428
00:15:50,461 --> 00:15:52,461
Stab the pen lid in
and release the pressure.
429
00:15:52,461 --> 00:15:54,741
You want to perform a tracheotomy
on her tits?
430
00:15:54,741 --> 00:15:55,781
Well, I don't know.
431
00:15:55,781 --> 00:15:58,381
How do men know so little
about the female body?
432
00:15:58,381 --> 00:16:00,981
- Right. Come on, babe.
- Mm!
433
00:16:00,981 --> 00:16:02,741
- Rita, come here.
- OK.
434
00:16:02,741 --> 00:16:04,341
Just getting my bag.
435
00:16:04,341 --> 00:16:06,421
Right. That's it. I'm calling a cab.
436
00:16:06,421 --> 00:16:08,781
Well, can I borrow Sadie, then?
437
00:16:08,781 --> 00:16:10,621
- No!
- What? I'll bring her back!
438
00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:13,021
Why did you even
drag us along tonight, eh?
439
00:16:13,021 --> 00:16:15,461
SADIE FUSSES
440
00:16:16,541 --> 00:16:17,821
The plan was...
441
00:16:19,421 --> 00:16:20,861
..to turn up at the engagement party
442
00:16:20,861 --> 00:16:22,221
and pretend I'd had a baby
443
00:16:22,221 --> 00:16:25,701
with a much younger, fitter,
less-of-a-massive-bitch woman.
444
00:16:25,701 --> 00:16:27,501
God! And who was I in all this?
445
00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:30,901
Personal assistant?
446
00:16:30,901 --> 00:16:32,701
I know. I know it's stupid.
I just...
447
00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:33,981
SADIE CRIES
448
00:16:33,981 --> 00:16:36,101
I wanted Debs to think that
I was doing great without her
449
00:16:36,101 --> 00:16:37,341
and I wasn't some...
450
00:16:39,021 --> 00:16:40,501
..sad loser.
451
00:16:40,501 --> 00:16:41,781
Oh, mate.
452
00:16:43,021 --> 00:16:44,541
Come on.
MESSAGE CHIMES
453
00:16:44,541 --> 00:16:46,421
- You're not a sad loser.
- Ohh!
454
00:16:46,421 --> 00:16:48,821
Finally, the fucking kids
have given me the actual address.
455
00:16:48,821 --> 00:16:51,341
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha!
Let's go, Malcs. Let's go!
456
00:16:51,341 --> 00:16:53,021
Look, I'm gonna change her first,
though, OK?
457
00:16:53,021 --> 00:16:54,621
- All right. All right. Come on.
- SADIE FUSSES
458
00:16:54,621 --> 00:16:56,381
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
459
00:16:56,381 --> 00:16:59,061
You need to self-express, babe.
460
00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:01,221
Are you gently
massaging your breasts?
461
00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:03,341
No, I'm punching them with bricks.
462
00:17:04,341 --> 00:17:07,861
She shouldn't even be here.
She should be at home with her baby.
463
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:11,061
Who the fuck asked your opinion?
464
00:17:11,061 --> 00:17:12,421
Are you starting on me?
465
00:17:12,421 --> 00:17:13,661
Oh, once I start...
466
00:17:13,661 --> 00:17:15,461
- Mm!
- ..you'll know about it.
- Oh...
467
00:17:15,461 --> 00:17:17,581
There's been a complaint.
468
00:17:17,581 --> 00:17:18,701
KNOCKING
469
00:17:18,701 --> 00:17:20,061
Miss?
470
00:17:20,061 --> 00:17:22,381
Yeah, no milking in here
and I need you to leave.
471
00:17:22,381 --> 00:17:23,501
What?
472
00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:24,701
Did you grass?
473
00:17:24,701 --> 00:17:26,381
PHONE LINE RINGS
474
00:17:26,381 --> 00:17:28,261
Oh, no, it's Gemma.
475
00:17:28,261 --> 00:17:29,661
Dad? We're coming home.
476
00:17:29,661 --> 00:17:31,821
Oh...no, no. Don't do that.
477
00:17:31,821 --> 00:17:34,381
Yes, I do need to do that
cos I need to pump.
478
00:17:34,381 --> 00:17:36,421
HORN HONKS
Disgusting.
479
00:17:36,421 --> 00:17:38,621
Oh, my God, are you not at the flat?
480
00:17:38,621 --> 00:17:39,941
- What?!
- Um...
481
00:17:39,941 --> 00:17:40,981
Where are you?
482
00:17:40,981 --> 00:17:43,381
I'm in Derek's car.
We're going to The Red Lion.
483
00:17:43,381 --> 00:17:44,901
Which Red Lion?
484
00:17:44,901 --> 00:17:46,901
We'll drop you a pin.
Do join us, Gemma.
485
00:17:46,901 --> 00:17:48,741
- Oh, fucking knew it.
- I'm sorry!
486
00:17:48,741 --> 00:17:51,781
LINE BEEPS
Don't apologise.
487
00:17:51,781 --> 00:17:53,501
Oi, Rita!
488
00:17:53,501 --> 00:17:54,821
Are you coming or what?
489
00:17:54,821 --> 00:17:57,861
Oh, get me a Bacardi and coke!
490
00:17:57,861 --> 00:18:00,141
And I'll catch you up.
491
00:18:00,141 --> 00:18:02,621
Hey! Don't touch my hair, Naughty.
492
00:18:02,621 --> 00:18:04,101
Yes, Mummy.
493
00:18:15,381 --> 00:18:17,501
MUFFLED CHATTER
494
00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:18,941
HE GROANS
495
00:18:18,941 --> 00:18:20,701
- Right.
- Oh, Derek...
496
00:18:20,701 --> 00:18:22,741
- Give me that bag.
- Er, I can explain...
497
00:18:25,181 --> 00:18:26,581
DOOR OPENS
498
00:18:27,581 --> 00:18:29,381
Ow.
499
00:18:29,381 --> 00:18:32,141
- Why is it so painful?
- Um...
500
00:18:33,981 --> 00:18:36,141
OK. So, here's the plan.
501
00:18:36,141 --> 00:18:37,621
No. There is no plan, OK?
502
00:18:37,621 --> 00:18:39,661
I need to express
this incredibly painful milk
503
00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:42,461
and pour it down the sink
cos it's probably 30% Chardonnay
504
00:18:42,461 --> 00:18:44,421
and then I'm taking my baby home.
OK?
505
00:18:44,421 --> 00:18:45,741
Disabled toilets?
506
00:18:45,741 --> 00:18:48,301
- At least you get your own sink.
- Yeah.
- Why are you so spiteful?
507
00:18:48,301 --> 00:18:50,821
You can't just give me two fucking
minutes to go find my ex-wife,
508
00:18:50,821 --> 00:18:53,901
bring her over, and introduce you
as my hot new girlfriend, can you?
509
00:18:53,901 --> 00:18:55,541
Have you lost your fucking mind?
510
00:18:55,541 --> 00:18:58,141
Gemma, everyone says
we'd make a great couple.
511
00:18:58,141 --> 00:19:00,261
Malcolm says it all the time.
512
00:19:00,261 --> 00:19:03,061
Would it hurt
just to play along, eh?
513
00:19:03,061 --> 00:19:04,741
I mean, Debs is a real bitch.
514
00:19:04,741 --> 00:19:06,141
Apparently.
515
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:11,181
Derek! You made it!
516
00:19:11,181 --> 00:19:12,381
You invited me?
517
00:19:12,381 --> 00:19:14,981
- Yeah, 'course I did. Ages ago.
- MALCOLM CHUCKLES
518
00:19:14,981 --> 00:19:16,581
Oh, did you not get it?
519
00:19:16,581 --> 00:19:18,421
Andy's been eating the mail.
520
00:19:18,421 --> 00:19:21,181
Who the fuck do you two
hanging around with?
521
00:19:21,181 --> 00:19:22,901
Me and the kids have been
a bit worried about you.
522
00:19:22,901 --> 00:19:24,541
I'm fine.
523
00:19:24,541 --> 00:19:28,261
SADIE FUSSES
Oh, hello!
524
00:19:28,261 --> 00:19:30,701
Oh, who's this gorgeous
little thing?
525
00:19:30,701 --> 00:19:32,661
- Sadie.
- Oh!
526
00:19:32,661 --> 00:19:34,981
- She is my new daughter.
- Oh, we're not doing that, are we?
527
00:19:34,981 --> 00:19:38,501
Mm-hm. And this is her mother -
my beautiful fiancee, Cherry,
528
00:19:38,501 --> 00:19:41,701
who is also really fucking hot
and not a total harpy.
529
00:19:41,701 --> 00:19:43,021
Fiancee?
530
00:19:43,021 --> 00:19:45,181
Don't fucking dare.
531
00:19:45,181 --> 00:19:47,461
And this is my bodyguard, Malcolm.
532
00:19:48,701 --> 00:19:49,981
Kevin Coaster.
533
00:19:49,981 --> 00:19:51,541
Malcolm...Kevin Coaster.
534
00:19:51,541 --> 00:19:52,901
OK.
535
00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:55,181
Well, it's an improvement
on last time we saw you, eh?
536
00:19:55,181 --> 00:19:56,221
THEY CHUCKLE
537
00:20:00,261 --> 00:20:02,861
See that? Total fucking bitch.
538
00:20:02,861 --> 00:20:04,421
She seems really nice.
539
00:20:06,381 --> 00:20:08,061
Are you sure she's a bitch, mate?
540
00:20:10,381 --> 00:20:12,381
- She's wonderful.
- Oh, mate.
541
00:20:12,381 --> 00:20:14,821
She's the love of my life
and I messed it up, Malcom.
542
00:20:14,821 --> 00:20:16,261
There you go, mate. There you go.
543
00:20:16,261 --> 00:20:18,061
Come on.
DEREK SOBS
544
00:20:18,061 --> 00:20:19,341
You know what to do, don't you?
545
00:20:19,341 --> 00:20:21,741
Yeah. Yeah.
546
00:20:21,741 --> 00:20:23,421
DEREK SOBS
547
00:20:23,421 --> 00:20:25,181
KNOCKING ON DOOR
548
00:20:26,501 --> 00:20:27,821
SHE SIGHS
549
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,501
Hello.
550
00:20:30,501 --> 00:20:31,981
So much for a fun night out.
551
00:20:31,981 --> 00:20:33,341
CHERRY LAUGHS
552
00:20:33,341 --> 00:20:35,221
It's been pretty shit.
553
00:20:35,221 --> 00:20:37,261
Ever miss your life
before the twins?
554
00:20:37,261 --> 00:20:39,141
Oh, God. I did at first.
555
00:20:39,141 --> 00:20:40,861
When you're in the thick of it,
you're thinking,
556
00:20:40,861 --> 00:20:44,501
"What have I done? Why two
at the same time? That's nuts."
557
00:20:44,501 --> 00:20:47,661
And, "Can I leave the one that
does not stop crying under a bush?"
558
00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:51,221
But when you realise
559
00:20:51,221 --> 00:20:53,181
you're their entire universe.
560
00:20:54,701 --> 00:20:56,661
There is no going back
to your old life.
561
00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:01,661
More importantly, you don't want to.
562
00:21:03,821 --> 00:21:04,981
Thanks.
563
00:21:06,621 --> 00:21:10,461
If it helps,
I really like new Gemma.
564
00:21:10,461 --> 00:21:13,781
And Sadie fucking adores her.
565
00:21:13,781 --> 00:21:15,181
MUFFLED YELLING
566
00:21:15,181 --> 00:21:17,141
YELLING
567
00:21:17,141 --> 00:21:18,341
Fuck!
568
00:21:21,101 --> 00:21:22,821
ANGRY CHATTER
569
00:21:22,821 --> 00:21:24,781
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
570
00:21:24,781 --> 00:21:26,421
Dad!
571
00:21:26,421 --> 00:21:28,421
CHERRY, SADIE GASP
572
00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:29,781
No, it's OK.
573
00:21:29,781 --> 00:21:33,021
It's fine. Look,
they're not made out of plastic.
574
00:21:33,021 --> 00:21:34,061
HE CHUCKLES
575
00:21:37,101 --> 00:21:40,021
- Want to leg it
before the police turn up?
- Yeah.
576
00:21:40,021 --> 00:21:41,981
- God.
- Come on.
577
00:21:41,981 --> 00:21:43,541
Sorry, Debs.
578
00:21:43,541 --> 00:21:44,861
- Fuck you, Marcus.
- Um...
40123
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