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1
00:00:02,021 --> 00:00:04,221
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour
2
00:00:04,221 --> 00:00:06,421
- Are you all right, love?
- No, I'm not
all right, Dad. I'm pregnant!
3
00:00:06,421 --> 00:00:07,941
Is there someone who can
go along with you?
4
00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:09,621
My mum's just ran off with
her and my dad's savings.
5
00:00:09,621 --> 00:00:11,181
My sister's on remand.
6
00:00:11,181 --> 00:00:13,341
I won't be judged by a woman who
tried to have her fiance murdered.
7
00:00:13,341 --> 00:00:14,581
Tried and failed.
8
00:00:14,581 --> 00:00:15,821
Oh, my God!
9
00:00:15,821 --> 00:00:17,821
But it's my coat, isn't it?
10
00:00:17,821 --> 00:00:20,021
Why can't you behave like
a fully grown adult?
11
00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:22,221
Which lucky tosser did you pick
as your birth partner in the end?
12
00:00:22,221 --> 00:00:23,381
Look at that!
13
00:00:23,381 --> 00:00:25,101
You know, I reckon I could get
my head through that.
14
00:00:25,101 --> 00:00:27,381
You think you could fit your head
through your daughter's cervix?
15
00:00:27,381 --> 00:00:29,821
Having a baby is like being
love-bombed by your own DNA.
16
00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:31,301
You're not good enough for her!
17
00:00:31,301 --> 00:00:32,501
Oh!
18
00:00:32,501 --> 00:00:34,421
What the...fuck is that?
19
00:00:34,421 --> 00:00:36,221
Dad, it's happening.
20
00:00:39,341 --> 00:00:41,381
There's a visitor for you, Gemma.
21
00:00:41,381 --> 00:00:42,741
Davina?
22
00:00:42,741 --> 00:00:44,181
Hiya, Mum.
23
00:00:51,821 --> 00:00:54,981
I thought you'd never ask me
out on a date.
24
00:00:54,981 --> 00:00:57,021
What gave you that impression?
25
00:00:57,021 --> 00:01:00,381
The many, many times
you never asked me out.
26
00:01:00,381 --> 00:01:04,061
I was just worried...
27
00:01:04,061 --> 00:01:06,381
..things might change
after you had the baby.
28
00:01:08,141 --> 00:01:10,141
What baby?
29
00:01:16,381 --> 00:01:18,421
What the fuck?
30
00:01:18,421 --> 00:01:20,781
- No.
- Oh, God. Shit.
31
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,741
We'd better order some more drinks.
32
00:01:22,741 --> 00:01:24,021
- Yeah.
- 'Scuse me, mate?
33
00:01:26,141 --> 00:01:27,181
Hiya. How you doing?
34
00:01:27,181 --> 00:01:29,941
- Can I get two more...
- VOICES FADE INTO BABY CRYING
35
00:01:32,541 --> 00:01:33,781
Sadie!
36
00:01:33,781 --> 00:01:36,421
What are you doing down there?
37
00:01:36,421 --> 00:01:38,021
It's OK.
38
00:01:38,021 --> 00:01:39,421
It's OK.
39
00:01:40,741 --> 00:01:42,021
Dad?
40
00:01:42,021 --> 00:01:44,221
TRANSLATION FROM SPANISH:
41
00:01:45,261 --> 00:01:47,461
What?
42
00:01:47,461 --> 00:01:50,061
BABY CRIES
43
00:01:55,261 --> 00:01:56,861
Oh, Sadie...
44
00:01:59,541 --> 00:02:02,621
Oh, hey, baby.
CRYING CONTINUES
45
00:02:02,621 --> 00:02:04,301
Hey...
46
00:02:04,301 --> 00:02:05,421
Mum?
47
00:02:05,421 --> 00:02:07,141
The baby's crying, love.
48
00:02:07,141 --> 00:02:08,381
Oh, is she?
49
00:02:08,381 --> 00:02:09,581
Thanks.
50
00:02:09,581 --> 00:02:11,181
She's very, very loud.
51
00:02:11,181 --> 00:02:12,941
Have you just got in?
52
00:02:12,941 --> 00:02:15,861
I've been out entertaining
my wonderful butcher friend,
53
00:02:15,861 --> 00:02:16,981
the Sausage Man.
54
00:02:16,981 --> 00:02:19,541
So things are getting serious
with the Sausage Man, then?
55
00:02:19,541 --> 00:02:21,741
Sausage men are never serious,
Gemma.
56
00:02:21,741 --> 00:02:24,541
They drift in and out of
one's life like the wind.
57
00:02:24,541 --> 00:02:27,181
Yeah, that's famously
what sausage men do...
58
00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:29,781
..in all the romantic sausage poems.
59
00:02:29,781 --> 00:02:32,821
Are you hungry? Cos he could
knock you up a sandwich in no time.
60
00:02:32,821 --> 00:02:34,021
He's here?!
61
00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:35,061
Yeah.
62
00:02:35,061 --> 00:02:36,221
Hiya, Gemma!
63
00:02:36,221 --> 00:02:38,661
Mum! We had a conversation
about this.
64
00:02:38,661 --> 00:02:41,061
He turned up with a massive
pack of chops, Gemma.
65
00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:42,181
I weren't going to say no.
66
00:02:42,181 --> 00:02:44,461
No! Get him to leave now.
67
00:02:44,461 --> 00:02:47,661
You need to keep your stress levels
down while you're feeding.
68
00:02:47,661 --> 00:02:49,981
Don't want your milk
to taste bitter.
69
00:02:53,261 --> 00:02:55,261
Hey, come here, you!
HE LAUGHS
70
00:02:55,261 --> 00:02:59,421
Oh, now that is a big bit of meat!
71
00:02:59,421 --> 00:03:01,581
Thin walls work both ways!
72
00:03:07,341 --> 00:03:08,781
Malcolm.
73
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:12,461
Malcolm!
74
00:03:13,821 --> 00:03:15,701
HE BARKS LOUDLY
Argh!
75
00:03:15,701 --> 00:03:18,141
Oh! What is it? Is it Gemma?
Is it Sadie? What's the matter?
76
00:03:18,141 --> 00:03:19,341
How the fuck should I know?
77
00:03:19,341 --> 00:03:22,221
Malcolm, I told you not to sleep
up here between the hours
78
00:03:22,221 --> 00:03:23,941
of 7am and 11pm.
79
00:03:23,941 --> 00:03:26,141
Yeah, I'm sorry. I just couldn't get
to sleep last night.
80
00:03:26,141 --> 00:03:28,981
There was a big, complicated fight
over some crab paste.
81
00:03:28,981 --> 00:03:30,581
I didn't want to get involved...
82
00:03:30,581 --> 00:03:33,941
Malcolm, sleeping men produce
a terrible odour.
83
00:03:33,941 --> 00:03:36,061
CRASHING
Ow!
84
00:03:36,061 --> 00:03:39,501
And you know I'm trying to run
a top-class professional
85
00:03:39,501 --> 00:03:40,861
establishment here.
86
00:03:40,861 --> 00:03:44,181
Derek, the door's broken again.
87
00:03:44,181 --> 00:03:47,901
Oh, for fuck's sake, Lawrence.
88
00:03:47,901 --> 00:03:51,661
Don't you think I have enough
fucking admin on my hands,
89
00:03:51,661 --> 00:03:55,061
without having to worry about fixing
every single fucking broken
90
00:03:55,061 --> 00:03:57,341
fucking door in this place!
91
00:03:57,341 --> 00:04:00,021
- The front door.
- Oh,
the "front" door, I'm sorry.
92
00:04:00,021 --> 00:04:02,341
Why didn't you say? Jesus Christ!
93
00:04:03,741 --> 00:04:05,061
WHAT?
94
00:04:05,061 --> 00:04:06,341
I...
95
00:04:06,341 --> 00:04:09,621
Me and the others, we...
96
00:04:09,621 --> 00:04:14,061
..don't think it's fair that
Malcolm stays for free,
97
00:04:14,061 --> 00:04:16,101
and we all pay rent.
98
00:04:18,621 --> 00:04:21,781
Go away, you pathetic piece of shit.
99
00:04:26,501 --> 00:04:28,301
- He's right, mate.
- Oh, come on!
100
00:04:28,301 --> 00:04:31,341
You're going to have to start
chipping in, otherwise they're just
going to
101
00:04:31,341 --> 00:04:33,981
set fire to your sleeping bag
and throw it down the bin chute.
102
00:04:33,981 --> 00:04:35,221
I've seen it before.
103
00:04:35,221 --> 00:04:36,421
I mean, it's been three months.
104
00:04:36,421 --> 00:04:38,661
I thought Davina would've
left by now.
105
00:04:38,661 --> 00:04:40,621
CRASHING
Argh!
106
00:04:40,621 --> 00:04:43,581
Do you want me to put some MDF
over the front door, eh?
107
00:04:43,581 --> 00:04:45,461
Stop strange men getting in?
108
00:04:45,461 --> 00:04:47,861
Malcolm...
109
00:04:47,861 --> 00:04:49,541
..we are the strange men.
110
00:04:55,981 --> 00:04:59,861
Oh, my God, I am so tired.
111
00:04:59,861 --> 00:05:01,261
Why?
112
00:05:01,261 --> 00:05:03,741
Aren't you just supposed to
sleep when she sleeps?
113
00:05:03,741 --> 00:05:04,861
Oh, yeah.
114
00:05:04,861 --> 00:05:06,621
I'll just curl up
in a ball here, shall I?
115
00:05:06,621 --> 00:05:08,301
Right, why doesn't Mum help you
with the baby?
116
00:05:08,301 --> 00:05:09,861
The baby has a name.
117
00:05:09,861 --> 00:05:11,701
Yeah.
118
00:05:11,701 --> 00:05:13,741
- Brenda.
- Fuck's sake.
119
00:05:15,061 --> 00:05:17,021
Right so...
120
00:05:17,021 --> 00:05:19,541
..don't take this the wrong way,
121
00:05:19,541 --> 00:05:22,501
but, Gemma, you look like shit.
122
00:05:22,501 --> 00:05:24,021
- Me?
- Yeah.
123
00:05:24,021 --> 00:05:25,981
- Yeah, you've got grillz.
- Yeah.
124
00:05:25,981 --> 00:05:27,421
How did you even get grillz?
125
00:05:27,421 --> 00:05:28,741
SHE SUCKS LOUDLY
126
00:05:28,741 --> 00:05:31,861
I made it out of
a Bakewell tart tray.
127
00:05:31,861 --> 00:05:35,021
I've got my own little accessories
side hustle in here.
128
00:05:35,021 --> 00:05:37,381
It's like Etsy but with
knuckle dusters.
129
00:05:37,381 --> 00:05:39,101
It's good to have career goals.
130
00:05:42,301 --> 00:05:44,541
- Hey!
- Ow!
BABY CRIES
131
00:05:44,541 --> 00:05:47,221
Fuck's sake, Gemma.
You've woke up Brenda.
132
00:05:49,421 --> 00:05:52,701
Oh. The wanderer finally returns.
133
00:05:52,701 --> 00:05:54,501
Oh, there we go.
134
00:05:54,501 --> 00:05:56,541
How's your downstairs doing?
135
00:05:56,541 --> 00:05:58,461
Yeah, my downstairs is fine, Rita.
136
00:05:58,461 --> 00:06:00,581
I had a C-section.
137
00:06:00,581 --> 00:06:03,221
Well, how's your upstairs doing?
138
00:06:03,221 --> 00:06:05,261
Oh, still tender.
139
00:06:05,261 --> 00:06:07,421
Oh, wait till you get to my age.
140
00:06:07,421 --> 00:06:09,101
Everything's tender.
141
00:06:09,101 --> 00:06:12,461
Upstairs, downstairs,
front and back.
142
00:06:12,461 --> 00:06:14,621
Well, you need to be very careful,
Gemma,
143
00:06:14,621 --> 00:06:16,701
cos one of my ladies who had
a Caesarean,
144
00:06:16,701 --> 00:06:19,381
well, baby couldn't have been more
than a fortnight old
145
00:06:19,381 --> 00:06:21,741
when she saw that picture of a cat
who looks like Phil Foden,
146
00:06:21,741 --> 00:06:25,501
and laughed so hard the scar just
tore open and her innards fell out.
147
00:06:25,501 --> 00:06:27,941
- Splat, right onto her thighs.
- Oh!
148
00:06:27,941 --> 00:06:31,141
She had to take herself off to A&E
carrying her bits in a Tesco bag.
149
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:36,501
Thanks, but I think I'm past
the "innards in a shopping bag"
150
00:06:36,501 --> 00:06:38,021
phase now.
151
00:06:38,021 --> 00:06:39,741
SHE YAWNS
152
00:06:39,741 --> 00:06:41,101
Oh, are you very tired?
153
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:42,381
Yeah.
154
00:06:42,381 --> 00:06:44,341
I've not had more than two hours'
continuous sleep
155
00:06:44,341 --> 00:06:45,621
since Sadie was born.
156
00:06:45,621 --> 00:06:47,621
I thought your mum'd moved in?
157
00:06:47,621 --> 00:06:48,661
Yeah, she has.
158
00:06:48,661 --> 00:06:50,861
She was great at first,
although that might've been
159
00:06:50,861 --> 00:06:53,741
the painkillers. Now, three months
later, I'm not so into it.
160
00:06:53,741 --> 00:06:55,221
And, ah...
161
00:06:55,221 --> 00:06:56,981
..what's Malcolm been up to?
162
00:06:56,981 --> 00:06:58,941
He's too scared to come over
while Mum's there,
163
00:06:58,941 --> 00:07:00,581
so I've not seen much of him.
164
00:07:00,581 --> 00:07:02,421
Rita, what's this?
165
00:07:02,421 --> 00:07:05,901
Well, speaking of your father,
these are my new erotic mugs, Gemma.
166
00:07:05,901 --> 00:07:07,701
This is a sexy man's chest
167
00:07:07,701 --> 00:07:09,021
with a willy for the handle.
168
00:07:09,021 --> 00:07:10,541
These make no sense anatomically.
169
00:07:10,541 --> 00:07:13,861
Why's he got a giant-sized penis
coming out of his ribcage?
170
00:07:13,861 --> 00:07:16,981
I'm trying to become one of those
places hen parties go to.
171
00:07:16,981 --> 00:07:19,461
You know, nails, brows, cocks.
172
00:07:19,461 --> 00:07:22,341
Rita, you don't know the first
thing about nails or brows.
173
00:07:24,821 --> 00:07:27,021
I do know about cocks, though.
174
00:07:27,021 --> 00:07:28,581
That was the implication.
175
00:07:28,581 --> 00:07:30,901
I bet you've been around a few
cocks, haven't you, Winnie?
176
00:07:30,901 --> 00:07:33,421
Oh, it brings back memories,
this, Rita.
177
00:07:33,421 --> 00:07:34,901
Winnie, you mucky bitch!
178
00:07:37,461 --> 00:07:40,021
Erm, would you judge a man for
wearing pink deodorant?
179
00:07:40,021 --> 00:07:41,261
Probably.
180
00:07:44,981 --> 00:07:46,021
Oh, shit!
181
00:07:46,021 --> 00:07:47,261
Dad?
182
00:07:47,261 --> 00:07:48,501
Are you hiding?
183
00:07:48,501 --> 00:07:49,941
Is your mother with you?
184
00:07:49,941 --> 00:07:51,021
No.
185
00:07:51,021 --> 00:07:54,021
Well, then I'm not hiding, am I?
186
00:07:54,021 --> 00:07:55,701
Oh, God.
187
00:07:55,701 --> 00:07:57,781
Oh, God, she's grown up so much,
hasn't she?
188
00:07:57,781 --> 00:07:59,741
Look at her. She massive!
189
00:07:59,741 --> 00:08:02,101
Grandad's little beefcake,
aren't you?
190
00:08:02,101 --> 00:08:03,141
I think she misses you.
191
00:08:03,141 --> 00:08:04,861
Oh, I miss her as well!
192
00:08:06,021 --> 00:08:08,461
Jesus. You all right, love?
You look knackered.
193
00:08:08,461 --> 00:08:09,821
Are you getting enough sleep?
194
00:08:09,821 --> 00:08:11,501
Yeah. Just a rough night.
195
00:08:11,501 --> 00:08:12,901
Right.
196
00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:15,661
How's the sad man bedsit?
197
00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:16,821
Eh? Yeah, great. Yeah.
198
00:08:16,821 --> 00:08:19,261
- I love it there, yeah.
- Mm-hm.
Back in your old room?
199
00:08:19,261 --> 00:08:20,901
Yeah, well, almost. You know?
200
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,061
Definitely within spitting
distance anyway.
201
00:08:24,541 --> 00:08:26,701
How are things with your mum?
202
00:08:26,701 --> 00:08:28,621
It's great she's there, innit?
203
00:08:28,621 --> 00:08:31,341
- Yeah.
- Mm.
204
00:08:31,341 --> 00:08:33,941
Would you judge a man for wearing
pink deodorant?
205
00:08:33,941 --> 00:08:36,261
I don't think it's pink
when you put it on.
206
00:08:36,261 --> 00:08:38,421
HE CHUCKLES
207
00:08:38,421 --> 00:08:40,741
How do now? How do?
208
00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:43,541
Grab me one of those, actually.
209
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:48,901
PHONE ALERT
210
00:08:48,901 --> 00:08:50,981
Christ, Gemma, your mum still
being a nightmare?
211
00:08:50,981 --> 00:08:52,821
Tell you what, I'm coming over.
212
00:08:52,821 --> 00:08:55,541
You jump in the shower.
I'll get Sadie off to sleep.
213
00:08:57,221 --> 00:08:58,621
Oh, I'm not being funny, babe,
214
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:01,061
but I'm not going through your
laundry and your dirty knickers.
215
00:09:01,061 --> 00:09:02,381
Spare sheets?
216
00:09:02,381 --> 00:09:04,461
Mum's room,
but I'm not allowed in there.
217
00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,741
She said, very firmly,
I was not to go in there.
218
00:09:06,741 --> 00:09:08,501
- We are definitely going in there.
- OK.
219
00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:16,581
What do you think she's hiding?
220
00:09:16,581 --> 00:09:17,781
God knows.
221
00:09:17,781 --> 00:09:19,381
But if you see a man holding
sausages,
222
00:09:19,381 --> 00:09:20,781
promise me you won't scream.
223
00:09:20,781 --> 00:09:22,101
What the fuck?
224
00:09:24,341 --> 00:09:26,621
Oh, my God!
225
00:09:26,621 --> 00:09:29,101
What a bougee bitch!
226
00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:30,541
She's punishing me, isn't she?
227
00:09:30,541 --> 00:09:32,981
For being a dick
when I was a newborn.
228
00:09:32,981 --> 00:09:36,061
Oh, she's waited 25 years
and this is her revenge.
229
00:09:36,061 --> 00:09:37,781
DOOR BUZZES
No!
230
00:09:37,781 --> 00:09:40,581
I'll get it, and whoever it is
I'll tell them to fuck off.
231
00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:42,661
You just lie down
and get some rest, yeah?
232
00:09:46,581 --> 00:09:48,301
- Xand...
- Hi, is, ah...
- Hey.
233
00:09:48,301 --> 00:09:50,221
- Is Gemma in?
- Ah, yeah.
234
00:09:50,221 --> 00:09:52,661
No, not now!
235
00:09:54,021 --> 00:09:56,821
I didn't want to keep messaging
so I finally just came over.
236
00:09:56,821 --> 00:09:58,101
I've got presents!
237
00:09:58,101 --> 00:10:00,661
For you and for Sadie.
238
00:10:02,221 --> 00:10:04,101
Ah, Xand, mate,
239
00:10:04,101 --> 00:10:05,861
Sadie's having a nap.
240
00:10:05,861 --> 00:10:08,461
I wasn't expecting her to give me
a catwalk or anything.
241
00:10:08,461 --> 00:10:09,581
Oh...
242
00:10:10,941 --> 00:10:12,061
Oh.
243
00:10:12,061 --> 00:10:14,021
Y-y-you want... You want
me to leave?
244
00:10:14,021 --> 00:10:16,421
Well, it's the only time that
I can actually get some sleep.
245
00:10:16,421 --> 00:10:18,661
- I mean, look at the state of her.
- Fuck off!
246
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:20,061
Well, erm...
247
00:10:20,061 --> 00:10:21,861
Thank you. Another time?
248
00:10:21,861 --> 00:10:24,221
Erm, another time.
249
00:10:24,221 --> 00:10:25,621
Sure.
250
00:10:25,621 --> 00:10:26,781
Soz.
251
00:10:35,381 --> 00:10:39,941
So how are we going to get
rid of your ex?
252
00:10:39,941 --> 00:10:41,301
Well, do we have to?
253
00:10:41,301 --> 00:10:44,341
I mean, you know, I think Gemma
like's having her mum around, so...
254
00:10:44,341 --> 00:10:46,501
Aw! I don't give a fuck.
255
00:10:46,501 --> 00:10:49,621
I need you off that landing before
there's a mutiny, Malcolm.
256
00:10:51,381 --> 00:10:52,701
We could...
257
00:10:53,621 --> 00:10:54,941
No, you'd never go for it.
258
00:10:54,941 --> 00:10:55,981
What?
259
00:10:56,981 --> 00:10:59,301
We could Inform MI6 that
Davina's been grooming kids
260
00:10:59,301 --> 00:11:00,781
into joining Al-Qaeda.
261
00:11:01,981 --> 00:11:03,101
No!
262
00:11:05,661 --> 00:11:08,381
- No.
- No, no. I didn't think
you'd go for it.
263
00:11:08,381 --> 00:11:11,101
I did come up with some other ideas
when I was on the bog.
264
00:11:11,101 --> 00:11:13,381
You know, if I did move back in
with Gemma, it would be best
265
00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:15,621
if it didn't seem to be my idea,
you know?
266
00:11:15,621 --> 00:11:18,141
Spoken like a true soy boy.
267
00:11:20,501 --> 00:11:21,701
Nice job.
268
00:11:22,621 --> 00:11:24,061
Wait, how do we get in now?
269
00:11:25,141 --> 00:11:28,701
It's like a cat flap.
But for fellas.
270
00:11:28,701 --> 00:11:30,541
That is...
271
00:11:30,541 --> 00:11:33,141
..absolutely fucking genius!
272
00:11:33,141 --> 00:11:36,221
Ha-ha.
273
00:11:36,221 --> 00:11:37,821
- Shall I go in...?
- After you.
274
00:11:37,821 --> 00:11:40,301
- OK. The maiden voyage!
- Yeah.
275
00:11:40,301 --> 00:11:41,741
Meow!
276
00:11:44,261 --> 00:11:46,501
You know what doesn't need
sterilising?
277
00:11:46,501 --> 00:11:48,301
- Tits?
- Tits.
278
00:11:48,301 --> 00:11:50,981
Yeah. Well, she gets plenty
of breast milk.
279
00:11:50,981 --> 00:11:53,421
I just use formula sometimes
cos it helps me out.
280
00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:54,581
Oh.
281
00:11:54,581 --> 00:11:56,541
It's all about her, in't it?
282
00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:59,541
Selfish Mummy. Baby wants nipnip.
283
00:11:59,541 --> 00:12:02,941
I absolutely destroyed my breasts
for you and Catherine.
284
00:12:02,941 --> 00:12:04,941
It's only right and fair
you do the same.
285
00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:07,701
God, Mum, you must be desperate
to get back out there,
286
00:12:07,701 --> 00:12:10,621
see the world, more of it.
287
00:12:10,621 --> 00:12:12,541
New bits of it.
288
00:12:12,541 --> 00:12:15,301
I'm not going anywhere, Gemma.
You need me.
289
00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:18,141
- SQUELCHING
- Oh! Oh, God, that is a smelly one.
290
00:12:18,141 --> 00:12:20,661
OK, well, can you change her?
Cos I've got to finish this.
291
00:12:20,661 --> 00:12:23,821
Sorry, love, I can't.
I'm off for a bikini wax.
292
00:12:23,821 --> 00:12:25,021
Full Hollywood.
293
00:12:25,021 --> 00:12:28,061
Do you know, I never used to bother,
but it's expected these days.
294
00:12:28,061 --> 00:12:30,381
I had a dalliance with a 28-year-old
and he shrieked
295
00:12:30,381 --> 00:12:31,981
when he saw my thatch.
296
00:12:31,981 --> 00:12:34,021
- Oh, my God...
- Used to be different,
of course.
297
00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:36,701
When I had Catherine,
the midwives told me to keep it
298
00:12:36,701 --> 00:12:39,781
as full as possible, you know,
to clean her on the way out,
299
00:12:39,781 --> 00:12:40,821
like those, erm...
300
00:12:40,821 --> 00:12:42,861
Like those big brushes
at the car wash.
301
00:12:42,861 --> 00:12:44,181
Is that what they told you?
302
00:12:44,181 --> 00:12:46,701
Do you know, it never once
got brought up.
303
00:12:46,701 --> 00:12:48,941
And I won't be home for dinner.
304
00:12:48,941 --> 00:12:50,501
But it's your turn to cook!
305
00:12:50,501 --> 00:12:53,101
But I have got you some SlimFast,
so you can make a start on
306
00:12:53,101 --> 00:12:54,701
shifting that baby weight.
307
00:12:54,701 --> 00:12:58,661
My cousin was 8st one month after
giving birth.
308
00:12:58,661 --> 00:13:00,621
Because she was in a coma!
309
00:13:00,621 --> 00:13:03,821
I know. Intensive care did wonders
for her waistline.
310
00:13:03,821 --> 00:13:05,261
I was quite jealous.
311
00:13:05,261 --> 00:13:06,381
Love yer!
312
00:13:06,381 --> 00:13:07,781
Love yer.
313
00:13:09,061 --> 00:13:10,981
Hey, baby.
314
00:13:12,781 --> 00:13:15,861
Should we kill Nana?
315
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:17,061
Yeah?
316
00:13:17,061 --> 00:13:18,181
Yeah?
317
00:13:20,581 --> 00:13:22,341
Should we kill Nana?
318
00:13:25,061 --> 00:13:27,741
Or should we kill Mummy instead?
319
00:13:27,741 --> 00:13:31,101
Oh... What if Gemma doesn't want me
to move back in with her?
320
00:13:31,101 --> 00:13:32,461
Dad?
321
00:13:32,461 --> 00:13:34,501
- Gemma?
- I can't take living
with Mum any more.
322
00:13:34,501 --> 00:13:35,781
How do I get in?
323
00:13:35,781 --> 00:13:36,981
Use the flap.
324
00:13:36,981 --> 00:13:38,181
Use the flap!
325
00:13:38,181 --> 00:13:39,621
Don't be ridiculous.
326
00:13:39,621 --> 00:13:41,101
All right. Come round the back.
327
00:13:41,101 --> 00:13:43,781
But don't tell anyone
there's a door there!
328
00:13:45,901 --> 00:13:47,341
That's my door.
329
00:13:50,101 --> 00:13:52,061
- Go round the back.
- The back.
330
00:13:52,061 --> 00:13:53,381
Round the back.
331
00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:57,741
Whoa!
332
00:13:57,741 --> 00:13:59,461
Is this where you've been staying?
333
00:13:59,461 --> 00:14:01,661
Eh? No, I've got an airbed
on the landing.
334
00:14:01,661 --> 00:14:05,381
My personal private space is
very important to me,
335
00:14:05,381 --> 00:14:07,101
especially at night.
336
00:14:07,101 --> 00:14:09,061
Mm-hm. Why's that?
337
00:14:09,061 --> 00:14:10,501
He plays Minecraft.
338
00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:11,981
Shut the fuck up.
339
00:14:11,981 --> 00:14:17,101
So, what is on the list of ways
to get rid of Davina?
340
00:14:17,101 --> 00:14:19,661
Well, ah, she's allergic
to tomatoes.
341
00:14:19,661 --> 00:14:24,901
OK, good. So we make her something
with tomatoes...
342
00:14:24,901 --> 00:14:27,581
Erm, a soup, perhaps.
343
00:14:27,581 --> 00:14:30,461
Then she ends up unconscious,
so we gaslight her
344
00:14:30,461 --> 00:14:32,701
into thinking that she never even
lived at Gemma's
345
00:14:32,701 --> 00:14:34,101
and it was a dream all along.
346
00:14:34,101 --> 00:14:35,981
Eh, yeah, but it's only
a mild allergy,
347
00:14:35,981 --> 00:14:37,061
just makes her tongue itch.
348
00:14:37,061 --> 00:14:38,341
Oh, for fuck's sake.
349
00:14:38,341 --> 00:14:40,701
- She's also allergic to horses.
- Oh, yeah!
350
00:14:40,701 --> 00:14:42,421
Excellent. OK, I can work with that.
351
00:14:42,421 --> 00:14:45,101
Do you mean eating
or hanging out with?
352
00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:46,381
Hanging out with.
353
00:14:46,381 --> 00:14:48,701
Great. So here's what we do.
354
00:14:48,701 --> 00:14:53,021
We, erm, fill the flat
with horses.
355
00:14:53,021 --> 00:14:55,261
Erm... Three horses.
356
00:14:55,261 --> 00:14:56,741
Four horses?
357
00:14:56,741 --> 00:14:58,941
No. OK. Different tack.
358
00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:01,861
Ah, what is she afraid of?
359
00:15:01,861 --> 00:15:03,061
Love.
360
00:15:03,061 --> 00:15:04,381
Emotional intimacy.
361
00:15:04,381 --> 00:15:06,221
Yeah. Brian?
362
00:15:06,221 --> 00:15:07,661
Yeah, it's Deggsy, mate.
363
00:15:08,781 --> 00:15:11,621
- Yeah, yeah, I know...
- I think I've got an idea.
364
00:15:11,621 --> 00:15:13,461
Oh, yeah?
365
00:15:13,461 --> 00:15:15,941
Well, come on, then.
What you thinking?
366
00:15:15,941 --> 00:15:17,501
- OK.
- The state of this place...
367
00:15:17,501 --> 00:15:18,701
So...
368
00:15:18,701 --> 00:15:22,781
..the only thing in the world
that my mother is afraid of
369
00:15:22,781 --> 00:15:24,541
is getting back together with Dad.
370
00:15:25,701 --> 00:15:26,901
Yeah.
371
00:15:26,901 --> 00:15:28,941
Which is why he's going to
propose to her.
372
00:15:28,941 --> 00:15:30,141
Propose what?
373
00:15:30,141 --> 00:15:31,661
Propose marriage.
374
00:15:31,661 --> 00:15:33,221
No way!
375
00:15:33,221 --> 00:15:35,781
Oh, God. How much sleep did you
get last night?
376
00:15:35,781 --> 00:15:37,061
All in one go? 37 minutes.
377
00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:39,221
And I feel pretty fucking amazing,
actually.
378
00:15:39,221 --> 00:15:40,461
This is a good idea.
379
00:15:40,461 --> 00:15:41,861
OK? This is a GOOD idea.
380
00:15:41,861 --> 00:15:43,421
I mean, has anyone got
a better idea?
381
00:15:43,421 --> 00:15:44,901
No, no, no, it is a great idea,
love.
382
00:15:44,901 --> 00:15:47,021
- It's a great...
- Thank you.
- ..idea.
- It's a shit idea.
383
00:15:47,021 --> 00:15:49,461
Well, it's the only idea we've got,
so let's go with it.
384
00:15:49,461 --> 00:15:50,861
Thank you. Derek!
385
00:15:50,861 --> 00:15:52,341
God, I knew you'd have faith in me.
386
00:15:52,341 --> 00:15:54,821
All right, don't overdo it.
Has she seen her GP recently?
387
00:15:54,821 --> 00:15:57,101
I can't do it.
388
00:15:57,101 --> 00:15:58,501
I need you off my landing, Malcolm.
389
00:15:58,501 --> 00:15:59,661
And I need her out.
390
00:15:59,661 --> 00:16:01,221
Come on!
MALCOLM WHIMPERS
391
00:16:01,221 --> 00:16:02,421
- Come on.
- Come on!
392
00:16:08,221 --> 00:16:09,861
I don't want to do this!
393
00:16:09,861 --> 00:16:11,221
Oh, fuck's sake.
394
00:16:11,221 --> 00:16:13,181
What about those horse?
Are they still available?
395
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,701
Sure, you can bail, Malcolm.
396
00:16:14,701 --> 00:16:17,061
But the guys did mention suffocating
you in your sleep again,
397
00:16:17,061 --> 00:16:19,101
so it's up to you, I guess.
398
00:16:19,101 --> 00:16:21,861
Dad, she needs to go, remember?
399
00:16:21,861 --> 00:16:23,541
All right, I'll, ah...
400
00:16:23,541 --> 00:16:25,501
I'll give it a go.
401
00:16:25,501 --> 00:16:27,021
- OK.
- OK.
402
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:29,621
I'll be listening.
403
00:16:31,821 --> 00:16:33,701
This is going to be a disaster.
You know that?
404
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,061
MALCOLM INHALES DEEPLY
405
00:16:35,061 --> 00:16:36,581
Bit of a mess in here, Gemma,
isn't it?
406
00:16:36,581 --> 00:16:38,061
Don't you fucking dare.
407
00:16:50,261 --> 00:16:51,341
Ah...
408
00:16:52,621 --> 00:16:54,261
Malcolm.
409
00:16:54,261 --> 00:16:56,301
Davina.
410
00:16:56,301 --> 00:16:58,541
You look, erm...
411
00:16:58,541 --> 00:16:59,981
..canny.
412
00:16:59,981 --> 00:17:01,941
Come on, Dad!
413
00:17:01,941 --> 00:17:03,421
Why are you here?
414
00:17:04,541 --> 00:17:06,141
Well, I, ah...
415
00:17:06,141 --> 00:17:07,421
Would you like a glass of water?
416
00:17:07,421 --> 00:17:08,861
No.
417
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,021
Yes, me too.
418
00:17:12,461 --> 00:17:15,941
HE GULPS
Erm, right.
419
00:17:15,941 --> 00:17:19,181
Having you back in our lives
the last three months...
420
00:17:19,181 --> 00:17:21,541
Gemma's life. I've barely seen you.
421
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,221
Been hiding at Casa Loser?
422
00:17:24,621 --> 00:17:26,021
It's, ah...
423
00:17:26,021 --> 00:17:27,421
Well, it's made me realise...
424
00:17:28,461 --> 00:17:31,981
For God's sake, spit it out,
Malcolm.
425
00:17:31,981 --> 00:17:34,741
..the hole that you left.
426
00:17:34,741 --> 00:17:37,141
Hole. Hm-hm.
427
00:17:37,141 --> 00:17:39,181
Mm-hm.
428
00:17:39,181 --> 00:17:40,981
And I'd like us to, erm...
429
00:17:43,461 --> 00:17:46,421
..rekindle our relationship.
430
00:17:46,421 --> 00:17:48,141
You what?
431
00:17:48,141 --> 00:17:49,341
Oh.
432
00:17:49,341 --> 00:17:52,261
I thought you were going to ask me
for the money back from the house
sale.
433
00:17:52,261 --> 00:17:54,181
No. Oh, but can I have
that money back?
434
00:17:54,181 --> 00:17:55,821
- No.
- Oh.
435
00:17:58,381 --> 00:18:00,381
Well, ah... Erm...
436
00:18:00,381 --> 00:18:02,061
I, ah...
HE GULPS
437
00:18:02,061 --> 00:18:03,781
Whatever I said...
438
00:18:03,781 --> 00:18:06,061
..wh-whatever I did, you know.
439
00:18:08,861 --> 00:18:11,181
I didn't mean it.
440
00:18:11,181 --> 00:18:13,301
It's Barlow. He's gone Barlow.
441
00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:16,661
I...just want you back for good?
442
00:18:16,661 --> 00:18:18,781
Oh. Gemma!
443
00:18:18,781 --> 00:18:19,941
Shit!
444
00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:25,061
What's going on?
445
00:18:25,061 --> 00:18:27,021
- Dad wants you back!
- Does he?
446
00:18:27,021 --> 00:18:28,621
Yeah!
447
00:18:28,621 --> 00:18:31,181
Yeah. Definitely back for good,
yeah.
448
00:18:31,181 --> 00:18:32,981
Do you?
MALCOLM GASPS
449
00:18:32,981 --> 00:18:34,781
Right, well, I don't want him back.
450
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,421
Mum, it's so cute. He says
he's madly in love with you and that
451
00:18:37,421 --> 00:18:42,101
he will not leave this house
until you agree to remarry him.
452
00:18:42,101 --> 00:18:43,461
Did you?
453
00:18:43,461 --> 00:18:44,821
I might've done, I don't know...
454
00:18:44,821 --> 00:18:46,421
Such a fucking soy boy!
455
00:18:46,421 --> 00:18:49,981
I am swept away by the romance,
Malcolm.
456
00:18:49,981 --> 00:18:52,021
Oh, go on, you lot, clear out.
457
00:18:52,021 --> 00:18:53,941
I've got Sausage Man
coming round in a bit.
458
00:18:53,941 --> 00:18:56,541
- Right, we did our best, didn't we?
- Did she say "Sausage Man"?
459
00:18:57,621 --> 00:19:00,101
OK, Mum, how about this?
460
00:19:01,981 --> 00:19:06,021
Will you please get
the fuck out of my home!
461
00:19:06,021 --> 00:19:07,341
Oh, fucking hell.
462
00:19:07,341 --> 00:19:08,501
Yeah.
463
00:19:08,501 --> 00:19:10,341
I mean, I love you, but
if you don't go,
464
00:19:10,341 --> 00:19:12,061
I'm going to chuck myself
out that window.
465
00:19:12,061 --> 00:19:14,021
- Aren't we on the ground floor?
- Shut up.
466
00:19:14,021 --> 00:19:16,901
It's the Sausage Men,
the late nights, the SlimFast,
467
00:19:16,901 --> 00:19:18,581
the eating my biscuits...
468
00:19:18,581 --> 00:19:21,781
Oh, I know you do cos
I've seen you take them. OK?
469
00:19:21,781 --> 00:19:23,301
You're driving me insane.
470
00:19:23,301 --> 00:19:25,381
Either you go or
me and Sadie will,
471
00:19:25,381 --> 00:19:28,181
and it's my name on the lease -
that'll be really fucking annoying.
472
00:19:36,821 --> 00:19:38,741
This isn't working out for me,
Gemma.
473
00:19:39,901 --> 00:19:42,501
I'm sorry but I think
it's time for me to leave.
474
00:19:42,501 --> 00:19:43,701
What the fuck?
475
00:19:44,741 --> 00:19:46,181
I literally just said that.
476
00:19:46,181 --> 00:19:49,501
I can't stay here forever,
much as you'd like me to.
477
00:19:49,501 --> 00:19:51,661
The world is calling me back to it.
478
00:19:53,821 --> 00:19:55,581
You understand, don't you, love?
479
00:19:57,101 --> 00:19:58,501
Yeah.
480
00:20:00,021 --> 00:20:01,421
I don't understand.
481
00:20:01,421 --> 00:20:02,741
Me neither, mate.
482
00:20:05,661 --> 00:20:08,581
The first few weeks of having Sadie,
I couldn't have coped without you.
483
00:20:10,541 --> 00:20:12,581
Tell Malcolm he can keep
the candles.
484
00:20:15,941 --> 00:20:18,501
I do have one tiny bit of advice.
485
00:20:18,501 --> 00:20:21,541
This first year is a very
precious time, Gemma.
486
00:20:23,341 --> 00:20:25,781
Work out what it is what you want,
487
00:20:25,781 --> 00:20:29,341
and start reaching for it before
you go back to work.
488
00:20:29,341 --> 00:20:31,901
Because once the grind starts -
489
00:20:31,901 --> 00:20:34,341
work, baby, life...
490
00:20:35,741 --> 00:20:37,941
..you'll be trapped.
CAR HORN BEEPS
491
00:20:37,941 --> 00:20:40,181
Right, your taxi's here.
492
00:20:40,181 --> 00:20:41,621
And before you know it,
493
00:20:41,621 --> 00:20:44,061
you'll have spent 20 years
living with your father.
494
00:20:44,061 --> 00:20:45,821
That's the mistake I made,
495
00:20:45,821 --> 00:20:49,061
and I wouldn't wish it
on my worst enemy.
496
00:20:49,061 --> 00:20:50,221
OK.
497
00:20:50,221 --> 00:20:51,301
Thanks.
498
00:20:54,741 --> 00:20:56,061
Good luck, love.
499
00:21:04,021 --> 00:21:05,381
DOOR CLOSES
500
00:21:12,461 --> 00:21:15,821
Here you are. There you go.
501
00:21:15,821 --> 00:21:18,021
Fresh sheets, eh?
502
00:21:18,021 --> 00:21:19,861
I've just put a clothes wash on.
503
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:25,421
And I was thinking,
the next couple of nights
504
00:21:25,421 --> 00:21:27,181
I can do her feeds for you,
505
00:21:27,181 --> 00:21:28,941
and you can get some sleep.
506
00:21:28,941 --> 00:21:30,341
Thank you.
507
00:21:31,701 --> 00:21:33,581
I'm so glad to be back, love.
508
00:21:33,581 --> 00:21:36,141
I've missed you so much,
missed both of you.
509
00:21:36,141 --> 00:21:37,501
We've missed you.
510
00:21:39,421 --> 00:21:44,661
And I want you to know that
I will never, ever leave you again.
511
00:21:46,221 --> 00:21:48,741
Not until that one goes
to university, anyway.
512
00:21:52,221 --> 00:21:53,621
You rest now, eh?
513
00:22:00,581 --> 00:22:02,861
Oh, hey, there's a pork pie
in here!
514
00:22:06,741 --> 00:22:08,621
I'm on maternity leave!
PHONE RINGING
515
00:22:08,621 --> 00:22:10,981
I'm not asking you to pick it up
with your fanny - please!
516
00:22:10,981 --> 00:22:13,981
He's a creep who charges 15 quid
to sing at babies.
517
00:22:13,981 --> 00:22:15,621
And takes his top off!
518
00:22:15,621 --> 00:22:16,701
DOG SQUEALS
519
00:22:16,701 --> 00:22:19,181
There's a dog in here,
there's a massive dog in here!
520
00:22:19,181 --> 00:22:20,461
Hook, elbow, punch!
521
00:22:20,461 --> 00:22:21,781
My boobs are about to explode.
522
00:22:21,781 --> 00:22:22,821
Are they fake?
523
00:22:22,821 --> 00:22:24,821
No, you bell end -
they're full of milk!
524
00:22:24,821 --> 00:22:26,221
Dad's booked us a holiday, though.
525
00:22:26,221 --> 00:22:27,661
I bet it's the caravan park.
526
00:22:27,661 --> 00:22:29,661
It won't be the caravan park.
527
00:22:29,661 --> 00:22:31,381
The holiday's a disaster.
528
00:22:31,381 --> 00:22:33,341
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
529
00:22:33,341 --> 00:22:35,061
I thought maybe you'd want space.
530
00:22:35,061 --> 00:22:38,101
What I actually wanted was
some very large sanitary pads.
531
00:22:38,101 --> 00:22:41,221
We're totally fucking lost,
and Malcom is missing a boot!
532
00:22:41,221 --> 00:22:44,261
Yeah, well, I had to throw something
to distract that bull, didn't I?!
533
00:22:44,261 --> 00:22:46,261
I want to provide a better
life for my baby.
534
00:22:46,261 --> 00:22:48,581
Whoa... It's fucking its eggs
down my throat!
535
00:22:48,581 --> 00:22:49,621
Woo!
536
00:22:49,621 --> 00:22:51,941
I have been dabbling with
better-paid other employment.
537
00:22:51,941 --> 00:22:53,461
Why do you even want this job?
538
00:22:53,461 --> 00:22:54,901
Because I love marketing.
539
00:22:54,901 --> 00:22:56,181
Nobody loves marketing.
540
00:22:56,181 --> 00:22:58,181
Congratulations, Gemma.
You've just joined the rat race.
38192
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