Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,180 --> 00:00:04,399
I'm not saying that I definitely
2
00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:06,199
don't want to go back to the salon,
3
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:09,439
but I have been dabbling with
better-paid, other employment.
4
00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:12,079
- "Dabbling"?
- I've applied for 30 jobs.
5
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,839
God, save some
for the rest of us! Jesus!
6
00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:15,919
Babe, I haven't got one interview!
7
00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:17,599
Why does nobody want me?
8
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:20,639
"But what qualifications do you
have, Ms Moscrip?"
9
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:23,960
- "Why, the ones you get free from
school." - "Oh, how common!"
10
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:27,239
Excuse me! Excuse me! Sorry.
11
00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:29,799
BUZZ OF CONVERSATION
12
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:33,919
Oh, my God! You look amazing!
Should I look amazing?
13
00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:36,519
I've been saving Rhyme Time with
Rocky until it was really needed.
14
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:38,359
Ah! Excuse me! We're on the list.
15
00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:41,599
Excuse me, excuse me,
we're on the list. Hiya.
16
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:44,759
- Name?
- Oh, Cherry Lewis and Gemma Moscrip.
17
00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:47,350
And do you actually have a baby
with you? Otherwise...
18
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,519
That baby belongs to both of us.
19
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,199
We are very much in love.
20
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,439
Don't make me report you
21
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,839
to the Equality and Human Rights
Commission.
22
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:58,719
Me and the EHRC...
23
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:00,000
..are like that.
24
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,919
- Have a lovely Rhyme Time.
- Thank you.
25
00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:12,759
Rocky's been at this library
every week for the past eight years.
26
00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,599
He's an institution.
27
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,759
- This has been quite the build-up.
- That...
28
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:19,760
..is Rocky.
29
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:25,599
HE EXHALES
30
00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:26,840
Whoa.
31
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,960
TINKLY MUSIC PLAYS
32
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,959
Ah, well,
33
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,959
there's always tomorrow.
34
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,719
HE CHUCKLES
35
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:37,239
BABIES GURGLE
36
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,559
So, to end this session,
37
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:42,680
we're going to hold
our babies tight...
38
00:01:42,681 --> 00:01:45,839
..and we're going to tell 'em
we love 'em.
39
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,119
I love you.
40
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:48,520
I love you so much.
41
00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,279
- Namaste.
- Namaste.
42
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,119
Right, can I have my baby back now?
43
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:54,759
Oh, soz.
44
00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,279
Come here, you!
45
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,079
Rocky's captivating, isn't he?
46
00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:01,199
Yeah, he is very nice to look at,
47
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,399
but I'm not sure it was entirely
necessary for him to be topless
48
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,359
during Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
49
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:09,599
Skin-on-skin contact is
essential for babies, Gemma.
50
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,639
Yeah, he didn't have a baby
with him!
51
00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:12,999
SHE GASPS
52
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,239
He's coming over.
53
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:16,439
Oh, my God! What do I look?
Give me the baby.
54
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,479
Give me the baby. No, you take the
baby. No, I'll take the baby...
55
00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:19,599
- No, you take...
- Shush.
56
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,319
- Hi.
- Hi.
57
00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:24,159
I used to bring my twins
to all your sessions,
58
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:27,239
but they've started school now,
so I can't bring them any more.
59
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:28,599
Little bastards.
60
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:29,880
Aww...
61
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:32,439
- I love babies, me.
- Oh!
62
00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:35,799
Yeah, and I love women who
carry babies.
63
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:39,050
There's something about the female
body after childbirth that...
64
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:41,599
..I just find...
65
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,079
HE SIGHS
66
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,679
..intoxicating.
67
00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:45,920
Oh...
68
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:52,639
Oh, my God.
69
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,119
I know.
70
00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:55,280
I love him.
71
00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:59,080
I baked you these!
72
00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:59,079
HE CHUCKLES
73
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,319
It's from a Paul Hollywood recipe,
you know, not one by a woman!
74
00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:03,679
Yeah, I'll try one later.
75
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:06,239
So, Malcy, are you busy on Friday?
76
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,919
- Evening? No.
- How do you know?
77
00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:11,159
Malcolm, the day you have
Friday night plans,
78
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,319
is the day
I can finally hold my umbrella up,
79
00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:16,319
float off into the sky to find
some other pathetic loser
80
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,839
to teach in the ways of being
a great bloke.
81
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,199
OK, fair enough.
82
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,679
Friday morning. Early.
83
00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:24,799
Oh, I'm not sneaking you out
of a hotel without paying again.
84
00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,559
Took days, last time,
for my anxious tummy to recover.
85
00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:31,279
The Jag needs a service
and the only place I trust with her,
86
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:34,079
is a 50-minute drive
into the Peak District.
87
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:35,959
Thought you might like to tag along.
88
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,319
Can I think about it?
89
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:38,839
Nope, doesn't need to.
90
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,079
We're in.
91
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,199
Great.
92
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,959
We should have done something
like this years ago, Malcy.
93
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,839
Me and you, the open road,
94
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,000
your pet pillock in the back...
95
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,239
Hey...
96
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:53,560
ROCKY CHUCKLES
97
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:55,970
Mmm...
98
00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:58,960
Can I have a word?
99
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:04,879
Yeah.
100
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,239
I just... I can't stop
thinking about you.
101
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:08,999
We met three minutes ago.
102
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,279
HE CHUCKLES
103
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:12,959
Are you trying to tell me you
haven't had half the mums in here?
104
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,160
No, I never mix business with
pleasure.
105
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,719
And you...
106
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,720
..are all business.
107
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:25,519
You see, only the ripest ladies
make their way to Rocky's bed.
108
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:28,079
How ripe am I, exactly?
109
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,959
- You know when a banana's gone
really, really brown? - Mm-hm.
110
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,240
That...ripe.
111
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,199
HE EXHALES
112
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,039
So, can I get your number?
113
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:41,439
Hmm?
114
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:42,519
Rocky?
115
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:44,639
Mm-hm...
116
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:46,280
She is your baby.
117
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,399
I don't know why
you keep pretending she's not.
118
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,999
- Ah...
- Are you going to throw us out on the street again?
119
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:56,759
ALL MURMUR
What do you expect us to do, Rocky?
120
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,759
You're her dad!
121
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,239
WOMEN GASP
122
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:01,759
Rocky?
123
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,479
You said you loved me, Rocky!
124
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,560
I don't know...
I don't know this woman!
125
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,320
What?
126
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:14,199
So, I've just checked my schedule,
and the Peak District is a go-go!
127
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,879
You know what this means, don't you?
128
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:20,119
- CHANTS:
- Lads on tour! Lads on tour!
129
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,799
Malcolm in the back!
Derek in the front!
130
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,199
- No, I should be in the front!
- Shut the fuck up!
131
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,159
- CHANTS:
- Alphas in the front, betas in the back.
132
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:32,039
We don't like sigmas,
they go in the boot!
133
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,119
Oh, come on. Cheer up, Malcolm.
134
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:37,279
We're getting to spend time with
your awesome dad. Look at him.
135
00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:39,239
He's so cool.
136
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,679
- He's not, though, is he?
- He fucking is! I think I'm in love with him.
137
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:45,439
- I'd probably kiss him if he asked
me. - He's a conman and a...
138
00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:46,879
..and a womaniser.
139
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:50,250
Oh, someone lobbed THAT apple very
far from the tree, didn't they!
140
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,999
All right, so he was
a bit of a dick in the past,
141
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,999
but it feels like this road trip is
his way
142
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,439
of trying to reconnect with you.
143
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,199
- You know, like a bit of
father-son bonding. - Do you think so?
144
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,639
Definitely, mate.
145
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,719
So, why are YOU coming?
146
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,919
Cos it's a really cool
fucking car, Malcolm!
147
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,479
I want to ride in a really cool car.
148
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,799
Jesus!
149
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,480
My God! It was a joke!
150
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:15,679
You humiliated Rocky.
151
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:18,399
He's told the library he's never
going back after what you just did.
152
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:21,359
He's a creep who
charges 15 quid to sing at babies!
153
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:23,919
- And takes his top off!
- Yeah.
154
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,199
Are you telling me you really
enjoy all that namaste shit?
155
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,759
I do, actually!
156
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,839
Loads of the mums do.
157
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,119
God, you are so judgmental.
158
00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:34,719
And you are overreacting!
159
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,760
My God, what's going on with you?
160
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,559
Lance has filed for a divorce.
161
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,599
Babe...
162
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,999
Means he's never coming back.
163
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,679
Do you want him back?
164
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,639
Well, I didn't want to be
a divorced mum of two at 25.
165
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,240
Widowed...fine.
166
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,319
I'm so sorry.
167
00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:00,039
I just wanted to get
dressed up and have fun
168
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,439
and watch a man get his nips out,
169
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:05,390
but you've ruined that cos Rocky's
never going back again.
170
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:07,839
SHE SCOFFS
171
00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:09,319
How can I fix this?
172
00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:10,880
Work it out for yourself.
173
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,559
- MALCOLM:
- Oh, look at that view, eh!
174
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,879
Makes you glad to be alive,
doesn't it, Dad?
175
00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,560
- JACKIE:
- Malcolm, shut up.
176
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,479
Why did you need me
so urgently?
177
00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:27,680
- Is this about your appeal?
- No.
178
00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,000
I've decided...
179
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,800
..I'm going to have one of them.
180
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,439
No, right, listen,
181
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:40,079
they've got a really cushty
mother-and-baby unit here.
182
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:44,159
I'm talking single-occupancy cell,
en suite.
183
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:45,759
No bars.
184
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,359
- Mother-flipping A-game.
- Hmm.
185
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,639
And how are you going to get
pregnant in prison?
186
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:54,919
You're assuming that none
of the women in here have penises.
187
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,999
OK, JK Rowling.
188
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,359
OK, fair enough...
189
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,839
Wait, no, that's a terrible idea,
no matter whose penis it is.
190
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:04,199
Gemma...!
191
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,679
SHE LAUGHS
192
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:08,359
I'm going to have a baby with Gary.
193
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,599
We've rekindled our relationship.
194
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:14,479
God, you paid someone to push him
off a fire escape.
195
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,199
Yes, I did,
196
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:20,479
and it is amazing what that kind
of experience can do for a person.
197
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:24,759
Yeah, he is much less pathetic,
boring and needy.
198
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:26,959
Gary is great now.
199
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:30,359
He is actually...quite hot.
200
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,799
- Right, well, good for you.
- Thanks.
201
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,399
And where do you plan on...
You know?
202
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,759
Well, this is where I need you to
come up with a plan
203
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,479
to get me some day release.
204
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:40,719
And how am I going to do that?
205
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:44,719
I was actually thinking, maybe,
you could have...
206
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,639
..a pretend wedding...
207
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,039
No! I've got it!
208
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:50,640
Fake funeral.
209
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:53,679
You're an idiot.
210
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,919
Well, I'm not the reason that
Rocky had to quit Rhyme Time.
211
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,599
- How the hell do you know about
that?! - I told you,
212
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:02,599
I've been hanging out
with "The Mums",
213
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,040
and those bitches talk.
214
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,560
Jackie Moscrip!
215
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,559
MECHANIC LAUGHS
216
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,479
Heard you were back in town.
217
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,839
What, the doctor's taking another
look under your bonnet?
218
00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:18,479
Just visiting...
219
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:20,479
..with these two morons.
220
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,480
Don't you worry about this beaut,
pal.
221
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,919
Yeah, she'll be purring like a
kitten
222
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:27,839
by the time I've
had my way with her.
223
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,119
- QUIETLY:
- Definitely going to rub his knob on the car.
224
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:32,839
Right, lads, time for some fun.
225
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,079
It's up to you to get us
back to Stockport
226
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:36,799
while the Jag's in the garage.
227
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:40,359
- Well, we can do that, no problem,
Dad! - Can I borrow a hammer?
228
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,080
Easy. Just call an Uber.
229
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,879
JACKIE GRUNTS, MALCOLM GASPS
230
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,439
- What the fuck, Jackie?
I'm on SIM only! - Phone.
231
00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:54,919
Obviously, don't give him your
phone, Malcolm.
232
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:56,879
You're not going to smash it,
are you, Dad?
233
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,280
Don't you trust me, son?
234
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:02,920
HE GRUNTS
235
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,639
I knew you'd do that!
236
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:07,799
Right.
237
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:11,479
I want you two to get us
back home using your smarts,
238
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:12,959
your ingenuity,
239
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,879
your survival skills.
240
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,119
- We haven't got any of them!
- No phones.
241
00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:19,439
Phones have infantilised us.
242
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:21,599
Real men don't need phones.
243
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,719
All of my bank cards are on my
phone, you fucking maniac!
244
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,319
Yeah, and he pays for everything,
so I didn't bring any money!
245
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:30,759
Was this your plan all along, eh?
To keep us stranded on the Peaks?
246
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,239
Your grandad once left me at the
top of Scafell Pike
247
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:37,799
with nothing but a compass, three
shilling and some woodbines,
248
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,640
and that was the making of me.
249
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:45,239
Yeah, the making of you into a
massive arsehole. Am I right, king?
250
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:46,399
No.
251
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:47,679
No, this is good.
252
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,400
I can prove myself to him.
253
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:52,240
Come on! We can do this!
254
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,759
- PHONE RINGS
- Oh, get that, will you, Gemma?
255
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,719
Rita, I'm on maternity leave.
256
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,719
I'm not asking you to pick it up
with your fanny! Please!
257
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:24,159
Oh, I just wish that my best ever
salon girlie
258
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,239
might come back to work...
259
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:27,919
..maybe a few weeks early?
260
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:30,279
Don't let her rush you, Gemma love.
261
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,239
That baby'll be a middle-aged woman
262
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:35,239
throwing bricks through
windows before you know it!
263
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:36,799
How is your Margaret?
264
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:39,639
Oh, the ankle tag's made
a world of difference.
265
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,919
- How's my little cherub doing?
- Yeah, she's OK.
266
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,319
She had a bit of a cold this week
but she's perking up now.
267
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:48,839
- No, I meant Malcolm.
- Oh. He's in the Peak District with Grandad,
268
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,839
which is why I need you to look
after Sadie for me.
269
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,279
Oh, no! I hope he's OK.
270
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,719
You need to be very careful in the
Peak District.
271
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:57,479
- Well, there's no ice. I checked
before they went. - Not ice.
272
00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,959
I once saw a roadkill monkey whilst
driving through the Peak District,
273
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:04,159
and I've found the whole area
deeply unsettling ever since.
274
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,159
- A roadkill monkey?
- Yeah.
275
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,479
It obviously escaped from one
of the science labs.
276
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,799
Who knows what experiments
had been done to it
277
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,239
and what things it had seen?
278
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:14,919
What intelligence it possessed...
279
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,679
- I mean it might have been
trying to get help. - Oh...
280
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:19,639
Yeah.
281
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,680
I often think about that
little monkey.
282
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,319
- OK. I'll be back in an hour.
- Mm...
283
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,480
Do not touch my baby's hair!
284
00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:31,400
Spoilsport.
285
00:12:32,991 --> 00:12:39,639
- BREATHLESSLY:
- Maybe... Maybe we should get a map or something, eh?
286
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,439
Show him that we're making an
effort.
287
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,159
You make loads of effort,
Malcolm.
288
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:46,159
You clean his flat once a week,
you cook, you do his laundry,
289
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:49,079
and you mainly do this
while HE is out shagging!
290
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:50,479
All right.
291
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:51,920
JACKIE COUGHS
292
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:51,919
Hey, are you all right, Dad?
293
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:55,199
Maybe we should just use your
mobile, eh, and phone for a taxi?
294
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,919
Are you giving up already, son?
I left my phone at home,
295
00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:00,919
and I haven't got any cash on me.
296
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:04,519
We have been walking for an hour,
we're totally fucking lost,
297
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:06,639
- and Malcolm is missing a boot.
- Yeah, well,
298
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,590
I had to throw something to distract
that bull, didn't I?!
299
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,199
Maps!
300
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:14,679
They've got maps!
301
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,599
Wait, it's shut? Why is it shut?
Why is it fucking shut?!
302
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,959
It's not even lunchtime?
It not even lunchtime!
303
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,199
Open up you lazy,
work-shy, country, wanking...
304
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,480
- Hey! Hey! This one's open.
- Oh...
305
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,160
SHOP BELL TINKLES
306
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,160
Morning.
307
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,040
Hello, er...
308
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,119
- ..we're looking for a map.
- Oh, yes.
309
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,199
We've got lots of maps.
What area do you want?
310
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,759
Um, this area that we're currently
and presently located in?
311
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,119
Aye. Bit lost, are you?
312
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,399
Why the fuck would we need a map
if we weren't lost?
313
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,399
Well, most people buy
a map BEFORE they get lost.
314
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:50,960
CHUCKLING
315
00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:54,360
- There you go.
- Thank you.
316
00:13:54,361 --> 00:13:58,079
- Do you know how to read a map?
- I'm 35, Malcolm,
317
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,119
I've literally never used
a map in my entire life.
318
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:03,519
- You're 35?!
- Do YOU know how to read a map?
319
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,560
Davina read all
the maps in our house.
320
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,199
We don't know how to read a map.
321
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,839
The art of map-reading
is a long-forgotten skill.
322
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:13,479
Hmm, you don't fucking say.
Can Jackie read maps?
323
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,519
Yes, he can.
He can do anything, can't he?
324
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:16,919
Cash or card?
325
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:19,759
Oh, good questi-o-ny.
326
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:21,519
Cash or... Run, Malcolm, RUN!
327
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:22,719
SHOP BELL TINKLES
328
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:24,280
I'm sorry!
329
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,920
Run, Dad, run!
330
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:44,879
- Yes?
- Hiya, is Rocky in?
331
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,559
Ricky?
332
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:50,559
No, he's not, he's at doctor's
having his anal fistulas looked at.
333
00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:52,039
You his girlfriend?
334
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,239
No.
335
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,679
In that case, do come in.
336
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:58,279
I'm Sue, his mummy.
337
00:14:58,280 --> 00:14:59,679
Hi, Sue.
338
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:03,319
Yeah, so many girls
come calling for my Ricky.
339
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,159
The fistulas are my way
of testing 'em.
340
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:07,639
Oh, so he doesn't have them?
341
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,079
Oh, yeah, does, yeah.
342
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,519
He's got loads and loads of them,
70% fistula.
343
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:13,599
Ouch!
344
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,199
And he's not very fond of babies,
345
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,759
if you were thinking of having
one with him.
346
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,599
Well, his whole brand
is "guy who loves kids"?
347
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,879
He doesn't.
348
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,199
Hates them.
349
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,239
Right.
350
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,319
And he's gay, actually.
351
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,599
Won't go near a vulva, as much
as I've tried to convince him.
352
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,360
DOOR CLOSES
353
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,359
Mummy!
354
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,799
- I've hurt my finger on the door
again. - Oh, darling.
355
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,200
It's just there. Thank you.
356
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,679
What do you want?
How did you find me address?
357
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,639
I paid someone at the library.
358
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,439
They don't give a shit about GDPR.
359
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,239
And I brought you this...
360
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,719
There's protein bars in there.
361
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:50,359
I mean, I don't know what you like,
but assumed.
362
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,079
Oh, well, um...
I'll leave you to it.
363
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,319
Yeah.
364
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,320
She seems lovely.
365
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,359
Well?
366
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,119
I came to apologise.
367
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,519
Yeah, you were way out of line.
368
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,359
- You were being sleazy.
- Oh!
369
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:09,919
I wasn't being sleazy,
370
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:11,440
I was being poetic...
371
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,199
Ro... Romantic?
372
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,719
Neither of those, I'm afraid.
373
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,520
But I could have just said no.
374
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,519
Please come back to the library.
375
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,840
They all love you there.
376
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,040
Did they say that?
377
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,560
- That they love me!
- Yeah.
378
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,759
Who said that?
379
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,080
Everyone.
380
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,320
Hmm. OK.
381
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:44,719
I suppose you think I'm pathetic,
living with my mother?
382
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,079
No.
383
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,679
I live with my dad.
384
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:49,199
Yeah, not forever, though?
385
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:50,879
No, not forever.
386
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,639
I bet he doesn't lie about
you having anal fistulas,
387
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,279
so that you never find a partner,
and leave him.
388
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,759
Does he do that?
389
00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,679
No.
390
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,480
He does not do that.
391
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:24,559
- WEAKLY:
- Can I have three singles to the nearest town, please?
392
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,239
- You need to download the app.
- Oh, right...
393
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,119
- Oh, my fucking God, no!
- It's a cashless system.
394
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:32,839
What would Bear Grylls do
if he had to get the bus?
395
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,239
Bear Grylls doesn't get
the fucking bus, Jackie!
396
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:37,199
- He'd pay with snails.
- Oh, my God.
397
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:38,439
Can I pay you with snails?
398
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,399
How about you just take this,
399
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:43,480
and then, whatever's left you can
have it for yourself?
400
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:46,439
Did you steal it?
401
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:47,880
- Yeah.
- No.
402
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:50,679
- OK.
- OK.
403
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,919
OK. OK.
404
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,760
Thanks. Here you go, eh?
405
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,399
How long does it take?
406
00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,679
This is the stopping service.
407
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,159
Be there in about two hours.
408
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:02,799
Oh, no!
409
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,520
Oh, fucking no!
410
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:07,680
I'm really hungry.
411
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:12,679
Actually, son,
I've got some berries in my pocket.
412
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,119
Don't eat the berries, Malcolm.
413
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:15,719
Well, if Malcolm ate the berries,
414
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:18,279
then the driver would have to call
an ambulance
415
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,519
and that would take us
back to Stockport.
416
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:22,319
You'd get us home...
417
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:23,800
..and that would make me proud.
418
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:43,040
HE RETCHES
419
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:48,079
Spit them out! Come on.
420
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,240
HE CHOKES
421
00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:00,040
I am really sorry
for not asking about Lance.
422
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:02,760
I know you are.
423
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,839
It's just been a tough few months.
424
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,360
Moving here, selling the house...
425
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,479
Rocky holds space for me.
426
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,599
Well, he's agreed to go
back to the library
427
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:15,999
and I've got something which I think
might help
428
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,239
make up for me being
such a terrible friend?
429
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,919
Box of doughnuts and some Molly?
430
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:21,160
Nope.
431
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,880
A Rhyme Time Black Card.
432
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,880
CHERRY GASPS
433
00:19:25,191 --> 00:19:27,279
Yep.
434
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,279
You can use it whenever you want.
435
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:30,679
No entrance fees.
436
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:31,999
No baby required.
437
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:35,759
Oh, my God! I didn't think these
actually existed!
438
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,599
Use it wisely.
439
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,640
I'm going to use it all
the fucking time.
440
00:19:39,641 --> 00:19:43,519
It's not my fault, is it?
I just couldn't hold it in,
441
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,279
and she wouldn't stop the bus.
442
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,359
OK, shut up.
443
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:52,000
According to the driver, the nearest
town is over there.
444
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:55,879
JACKIE COUGHS
445
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,799
Are you all right, Dad?
446
00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,799
- I'm fine. Stop fussing.
- Hey, are you sure?
447
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:03,239
You look a bit pale. Unless, it's
your tan finally rubbing off?
448
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,319
I said, "Stop fussing."
449
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,719
Always...fussing.
450
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:11,599
Cooking, doing me laundry,
cleaning...
451
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:15,239
When did you ever see me
CLEAN anything?!
452
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,919
It's like having another
bloody wife! Pathetic!
453
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:21,319
Well, I just do those things
to help you, don't I?
454
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:25,359
You could help me, Malcolm,
by being more of a man.
455
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:27,400
That's all I wanted from today.
456
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,199
I'm going for a piss.
457
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,840
In a bush!
458
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,119
Come here.
459
00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:40,439
Malcolm, at what point
460
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,919
are you going to tell him to go fuck
himself?
461
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,279
Never.
462
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:47,799
As your bestest friend, I don't like
seeing other people belittle you,
463
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,439
- especially not your father.
- Aww, thanks, mate.
464
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,039
No! Just takes the shine off me
doing it.
465
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,039
Just such a massive arsehole!
466
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,239
Hey, what are you doing?
467
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:57,360
You can't steal them.
468
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:02,399
We're not stealing these kayaks,
Malcolm! They belong to me.
469
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,719
I don't think they do...
470
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,520
HE SHUSHES
471
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,520
They're mine.
472
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,599
They were mine all along.
473
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,119
Grab an oar, king.
474
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:17,159
We're going on a friendship
adventure.
475
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:18,440
Dad?!
476
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:23,519
We'd be going faster
if you could paddle, Dad.
477
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,839
I'm not paddling.
478
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,359
Yeah, and just how did you think
we were going to get home, Jackie?
479
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:29,839
Steal a car?
480
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:31,839
Seduce a woman?
481
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:36,839
Get dropped off by a taxi near the
flat and run off without paying?
482
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,039
That's... That's not a bad idea,
actually.
483
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,840
Leave it to Malcy,
and the day's a disaster.
484
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:45,439
Is that a phone...?
485
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:49,079
You had a phone the entire time?!
Fucking hypocrite!
486
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:53,799
You're pathetic, Malcolm.
No wonder Gemma wants out.
487
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,359
- What?
- Yeah, 'course she does.
488
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:58,999
She might not say it, but she does.
489
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:02,719
Yeah, she only lets you live with
her because she feels sorry for you,
490
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,999
- but nobody wants their kid's pity.
- Jesus, Jackie, that's a bit harsh!
491
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,190
Yeah, I'm not interested in anything
you've got to say either!
492
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:16,239
She deserves a lot better than being
stuck with her useless dad.
493
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,120
You're in her way!
494
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,559
Fuck you, Jackie Moscrip!
495
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,239
You've been an awful father
to me all my life!
496
00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:29,199
Well, the little time you've
spent in it anyway!
497
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,000
And you know what, I pity you.
498
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:36,199
Yeah, I pity you,
living on your own,
499
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:39,399
conning everyone you come
into contact with!
500
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:42,959
Your friends, your family,
your girlfriends! Yeah!
501
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,359
Well, my kids want to be near me,
because they like me.
502
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:47,959
Yeah, at least one of them does.
503
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:51,279
You know, I love you, Dad,
but I don't like you.
504
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:54,039
So, if you want to be with us -
505
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,359
with me, and Gemma and Sadie,
506
00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:58,950
then things have got to change,
do you understand?
507
00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:02,760
Hey!
508
00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:02,759
WIND WHISTLES
509
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:03,920
Malcolm?
510
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,440
Dad?
511
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:09,360
Malcolm...
512
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:12,800
Dad!
513
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,040
Oh, fuck...
514
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,719
I love Rita, but I can't sweep up
hair until the day she dies
515
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,959
when I'll finally get a go
on the scissors.
516
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:29,119
Well, my career plan is to take
Lance to the fucking cleaners.
517
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:31,919
- Cheating arsehole.
- Good plan!
518
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:33,800
SHE CHUCKLES, MOBILE VIBRATES
519
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,080
Grandad?
520
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,520
Derek?
521
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:46,160
MALCOLM SOBS
522
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:55,319
I killed him...!
523
00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:56,799
No, you didn't, Malcolm.
524
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,679
The paramedic said
it was heart attack.
525
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,199
- TEARFULLY:
- Because I shouted at him.
526
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,719
It...
527
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:06,359
You know what, silver lining,
528
00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:07,799
he was probably already dead
529
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,640
before you dropped your
long-withheld truth bomb.
530
00:24:10,641 --> 00:24:13,959
- Well, that's even worse!
- I know, that's terrible.
531
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:16,159
- Why would you say that?!
- Pretend I didn't say...
532
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:17,479
Oh, Gem!
533
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:18,999
- I'm here.
- Oh, God...
534
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,320
Oh...
535
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:24,879
What? I'm sad, as well!
536
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,799
I had to prise his fucking eyes
open to unlock the phone!
537
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,039
Jesus Christ!
538
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:31,639
Thank you.
539
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:34,720
MALCOLM SOBS
540
00:24:34,770 --> 00:24:39,320
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39105
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof