Original subtitles

PHONE VIBRATES

Try and keep him up here.

And that.

Sadie...

Oh, fucking hell.

PHONE VIBRATES

Go away!

Ah!

Not a fan of the squishy banana, then?

Sadie!

PHONE VIBRATES

You look like you could do with a break.

Had a lovely rest when I had that filling done last month,

so I'm all good.

Well, I've got a surprise for you!

Have you booked me in for a root canal?

The three of us are going away for the weekend.

What?!

Dad!

PHONE VIBRATES

For God's sake!

Who is this? What do you want?

Gem?

Grandad Jackie?

You still living in that little flat, ground floor?

Yeah. Why?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Gemma!

- Grandad. - Dad?

Ugh, Malcolm.

Have you put on weight, son?

So, er, why are you back, Dad?

Finally made your way through all the women in the Costa Brava?

I'm on the run from the Spanish mafia

after getting myself mixed up in a casino heist.

I wanted to see my beautiful great-granddaughter!

Yes, I did! Yes, I did!

Dad, I think I'm going to move these boxes,

cos I don't want them falling on Sadie, you know.

Is that all right with you?

Don't be so bloody wet, Malcolm.

I need to keep them here because there's no room

in that tiny little wank pad I'm renting.

Oh, well, you can borrow the flat when we go away. Oh...

Away?

We're just, er... You know, just having a bit of a break.

- You know, just... - Where are we going?

No, there's not a lot of room, Dad, you know, so we're just...

HE COUGHS VIOLENTLY

Sorry...

CONTINUES COUGHING

I-I'll be fine on my own.

Could you just give me my bag?

- Yeah. - I need my pills.

There you go, Grandad.

Thanks.

SHE WHISPERS: Dad! Is it really such a bad idea him coming with us?

Yes, it's the worst idea you've ever had.

OK, OK, God, I'll just...

- I'll think about it, all right? - OK.

No, that tea's stone-cold.

Hey, let me get you some water, Dad.

Water's disgusting, Malcy.

I'm not wasting the last years of my life drinking water.

Grandad, water's not disgusting.

It doesn't taste of anything. It's water.

Disgusting.

You staying for dinner?

Depends who's cooking.

Mrs Malcy?

No chance.

Hey!

Dad actually makes really normal food these days.

I could rattle up a spanakopita.

I don't know what the fuck that is, Malcolm, but I am not eating it.

So what's the deal with the boxes?

It's a new business venture.

Europe's old news - I'm exploring the UK market once again.

Actually, I was wondering if you might like to come in

on this one, Malcy.

I've always thought we'd make great business partners.

Me?

Hm.

Yeah, well, I... could be interested.

Dad, you don't even know what it is!

Well, it doesn't matter, does it?

What is it?

It's an energy drink for ladies called...

..Shoes.

Why is it called Shoes?

Ladies like shoes, don't they?

- Ah. - You see, you buy all these cans from me,

becoming the key member of my sales team,

and you sell them on again at a profit,

and I get some of your money,

and you get paid by your sales team when they sell them on again.

Wouldn't it easier just to sell it to a shop?

No. No, Malcolm, never.

You must never, ever sell them to a shop.

Oh, OK, yeah.

You sell them to someone else,

and they sell them to someone else,

and that's how we get paid.

So it's a pyramid scheme?

Shh. I'm about to reel him in.

Well, how much do you need?

Dad! No.

And you...

He said he's here to see Sadie, but I know there's another reason.

Do you think he, er...

..killed someone?

No. He's not you.

It'll be about a woman or a business deal.

Or both.

Oh... You think he hasn't paid up on an "indecent proposal"?

I bet he owes a gangster 5,000 quid for shagging his wife.

CATHERINE GASPS

Oh!

Hey, get him to visit me.

Oh, Grandad was always my favourite.

Course he was. He's a conman.

As the only other criminal in the family,

I can see why you guys have a lot in common.

Hey, I bet Dad's not happy, though, is he?

No.

He locked himself in the loo for two hours the other day

after Grandad smeared baby food on the back of his trousers

then told next door that he'd shit his pants.

Oh, that's hilarious.

Dad's booked us a holiday, though.

It's really sweet.

Bet it's the caravan park!

It won't be the caravan park.

SEAGULLS SQUAWK

You and Catherine used to love coming here when you were kids.

Mm-hm.

And Grandad brought me and Jess once, yeah,

with his "friend", Lorraine, from the bookies.

And her sister.

JACKIE CHUCKLES

Look at that view.

Name me a hotel anywhere in the world

with a better view than this.

- There isn't one. - There isn't one.

If we had the weather, this place'd be full of fucking Ruskis.

Right, let's have a look at the luxury accommodation

- you've booked. - OK.

DOGS BARK

HE SNIFFS

Has something died in here?

Oh, it just needs a bit of air in, doesn't it, eh?

Crack a window open.

Here we go.

Oh, God, maybe not that one.

So I thought, er, Sadie and Gemma could have the mah-ster bedroom.

- Eh? - The master?

Yeah. It's in here. Look.

And, Dad, you and me are in here.

Yeah. It'll be all right.

Yeah, it's cosy, innit?

Ah, lovely work, Malcy.

Looked bigger on the website, but, er...

One knife...

..one frying pan,

and no tin opener.

Sorry.

Oh, no, Dad, it's brilliant.

SADIE BABBLES

Yeah, it's Sadie's first holiday!

- It is, isn't it? - It's your first holiday, Sadie!

First holiday with Grandad, is it, yes?

- Oh... - Oh, OK.

JACKIE LAUGHS

- Give her here. - Sorry.

You go change your top.

Yeah, erm, the thing is...

You know, there wasn't room in the car

once we got all Sadie's stuff in, so I didn't pack a case.

You know, I haven't got a change of clothes.

Nothing? Not even pants?

Yeah, I've got pants, obviously!

Got pants, got socks.

And I've got me toothbrush - look.

I just need to remember to scrub my smalls in the morning.

Not with the toothbrush, though, eh?

Come on, Dad.

OK, I'll put tea on, shall I?

- Hello! - Egg on toast?

Yeah.

Nope. Egg on egg?

Oh, look, I'll tell you what, why don't we...

Why don't we go to the restaurant, eh?

Yeah, look, it says here that it, er...

.."often serves food."

HE COOS TO BABY

Don't make eye contact.

Oh, it smells good, dun't it?

This place is buzzing.

Oh, my God, what are they cleaning these tables with, Ribena?

This one's good.

OK, this one's good.

Ooh. Right, well...

Are you ready to order?

Yeah. Shall we just do three fish and chips?

And I'll have a coke.

Oh, yeah, me too, thanks.

Me also.

With two double whiskies poured right on in.

What d'you think of her, Malcy?

Eh?

Oh, she seemed courteous and efficient.

Now, that was suspiciously quick.

Erm, may I inquire as to what is this?

A plum.

A what?

A plum.

It's a type of fruit.

Yeah, we know what a plum is.

Why's it on the same plate as fish and chips?

Do you want me to get the cook out here?

Because she's just spent the last hour crying,

and this will just finish her off.

Is she as feisty as you?

That's for you, charmer.

LAUGHTER

Hey, Dad, er, time to say goodnight, eh? This is us.

Yeah, I'll be staying somewhere else tonight, son,

give you some space.

Snuck the shag wagon keys out of reception!

- Eh? - Come on!

THEY LAUGH

Right next door - handy!

I hope these are soundproof.

Jackie!

- Oh, Jackie! - Ahh...

Oh, Christ alive!

Oh, Jackie!

Oh!

KIDS SHOUT

Will you fucking kids stop pissing in the kitchen sink

while your dad's in the shower?

If you can't hold it, do it out the door!

Hey.

You sleep OK?

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, eventually.

- He can go a long time. - Yeah.

He's got a condition.

He tried to tell me about it once,

but I just blocked it out, you know.

Before he gets back, do you think you should speak to him?

About what?

About how mean he is to you?

Oh, no, no, we don't need to do that, do we?

You're having a good time, aren't you, love?

Brilliant.

PHONE RINGS

What?

The holiday's a disaster.

- Gemma hates it. - Yeah, of course she does.

It's off-season at a caravan park, Malcolm.

Yeah, well, I need you here to make it fun, don't I?

- Please. - Is there an arcade?

Yeah. Yeah, there's an arcade.

Definitely not coming. I can't do arcades.

Well, I don't think you have to go to the arcade if you don't want to!

Although, granted, I've not read the whole park rule book.

No.

Oh, God!

So when you going to boot the useless dickhead out your flat?

What?

A beautiful, smart young woman like you,

whole world her oyster, shouldn't be shacked up with her old man.

Yeah, well I've got a baby.

Just don't let that become an excuse.

Oh, pedalo trip's off, I'm afraid.

Sewage spillage.

But I have found a shop that sells only purple items.

- No. - Eh? Well, how about this?

Er, the "fabulous coaster museum".

- I think I'll take Sadie to the soft play. - OK.

Yeah, I think I'm going to go and watch some snooker in the clubhouse.

Good idea.

Oh, listen, if, erm...

..you know, thingy comes knocking,

just tell her I've had a change of heart.

She'll accept it from you.

You've got very feminine energy.

Sadie!

Mummy's just over here, OK, Sadie?

It's meant to freezing all weekend.

Thank God for this place, eh?

I know.

I don't think they've updated it since the '90s.

Who the fuck is McHammer?

You know, they still end the talent show

with everyone singing No Limits,

and even that was a dated reference when I was little.

Oh, my God. You came here as a kid too?

Mm.

It was miserable. Charmaine.

Gemma. My dad booked this.

I honestly think he has Stockholm Syndrome.

- He truly remembers us having a great time. - Yeah -

my mum LOVES this place, especially the talent show.

God, I wanted one of those talent show trophies

so much when I was little.

Well, I can't imagine you would have had much competition.

What's your talent?

Oh, no, I didn't want to win it. I just wanted it.

- For doing nothing? - Yeah. - Oh! My kind of woman!

Here, Sadie.

Up we go!

Home sweet home.

Oh, God.

Don't worry, Gemma,

I've come to save you from this fucking dreadful holiday.

Derek's brought us a gift.

Well, thank you, but you cannot stay here.

Obviously don't want to.

Malcolm stinks of baby sick and wet socks.

Oh! Yes to both of those.

You've got to admit, he's got a great nose.

Did you manage to go and pick me up some clean clothes?

- I'm not your fucking handmaiden, Malcolm. - All right.

Yep. As there's nothing else to do, I thought that we could get Sadie

addicted to the slotties nice and early.

I told you - I don't do arcades.

Oh, yeah. He doesn't do arcades.

But why? Is it the lights? The noises?

The eroticism?

The grabbers.

Oh, no.

No. No. No. No!

Malcolm, you've got about 30 seconds to knock me out, mate.

Well, I'm not going to do that, am I?

DEREK GROANS

Then you can only hold yourself to blame for what's about to happen.

Well... Er...

I think that's enough now, mate, eh?

I mean, you've been here for three hours.

It's never enough, Malcolm.

That's the problem with the grabbers, isn't it?

Well, Sadie has 15 toys now, so I think that's enough.

Arguably too many.

Why are we watching this jackass playing on the grabber?

Oh, Dad, this is Derek, he's my friend.

- Best friend. - Yeah, best friend.

Yeah, fuck you, Platypus.

Fuck you right back into the egg from which you were hatched.

- Ow! - Oh, my God.

Derek, I've got an investment opportunity

that is targeted at the sophisticated gentleman.

Ha! Malc's not interested, then!

I'm looking for five smart chaps to come on the sales team

for my new energy drink for ladies.

Grandad! No.

Well, he's obviously a moron.

Hey! Oh, sorry, are you talking about him or me?

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

You're all making me lose concentration.

Oh! I've got a surprise for you, though.

Might turn this holiday around.

What is it?

- I've entered you for the talent contest. - Dad, why?

Well, cos you always wanted one of those little trophies

- they give out, didn't you? - Yeah, I wanted one,

but I didn't want to have to do anything to get it.

Come on, Gem, eh? It might be fun, eh?

17...18.

Calm down!

Has anyone got a pound?

- No! - Has anybody got a pound?!

Fuck! Oh!

Mate, I've been looking for you. You all right?

Hey, mate.

Have you've been here all night? I thought they closed at 11.

They do.

I just hid in that tiny children's bus over there,

just, erm, watching the grabbers - strategising -

until they came and turned the power back on.

HE CHUCKLES

It's probably enough now, eh?

Look, you've got loads.

THEY LAUGH

I'd do this all the time on family holidays.

The kids thought I was amazing, you know?

Winning them so many toys.

- Yeah. - And then they got a bit older

and realised it was probably symptomatic of a mental illness.

CHUCKLES

Right.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I don't even know why I bother with these.

What's the point for someone who can't walk?

Oh, God, sorry.

It's fine!

I, too, love taking my boots off and vomming in them.

Usually after a bottle of red.

Oh...God.

Ugh.

You dream of that holiday in the boutique hotel,

with the spa and the Egyptian cotton sheets.

Life hands you a caravan park with sticky tables and a vaping bunny.

LAUGHS

My dad's entered me for the talent show.

- Oh, my God, that's so extra! - Mm-hm.

I was wondering, do you want to do something together?

I would love that.

No line dancing.

Obviously no line dancing.

I just...I just don't know how to help him, you know.

Well, lucky for you, son, I have a solution.

- Meet the lovely Rosetta. - All right?

What, do you two know each other?

- We became acquainted recently. - Oh, God!

Do you want my help or not?

Yeah.

It's my friend. He's addicted, so...

TASER CRACKLES, DEREK GROANS

What the fuck, Malcolm?! You got me tasered!

I'm sorry!

- Argh! - It can be quite pleasant if you hit the right spot.

I bought it on t' dark web using bitcoin.

Yeah, well, it fucking hurts, you psycho!

TASER CRACKLES

Oh, my God. What have you done?!

Aah!

- I think it worked. - You're joking?

- Thanks, Jackie. - My pleasure.

Hi. May I?

Yeah, all right.

TASER CRACKLES

Ooh! Ahh!

- TASER CRACKLES, MALCOLM STAMMERS - Argh!

That's the last one sold to another idiot.

Now just got to wait for the cash to roll in.

My little Gemma, star of the show.

Grandad. We're just doing a duet. It's nothing amazing.

Everything you do is amazing, Gemma.

And I don't want you ever forgetting that.

Or letting anyone hold you back.

Got to go. Charmaine's waiting.

Bye, baby.

Ooh! What's that? Dick pills?

- You need some, eh? - No, not me, mate. Mine's like a stick of rock.

Long, thin and brittle?

JACKIE CHUCKLES

DEREK CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

I've had many addictions in my time, and I've beaten them all.

- Booze, fags, cars... - You still do all of them.

Yes, but I'm not addicted to them, Malcolm.

I've learnt to control them.

You know, I've never been addicted to anything.

Of course you haven't, son. You're too cautious.

Too afraid of the world.

Just like your mother.

See, I thought with Malcolm getting rid of the shrew,

it would free him up to grab life by the bollocks.

Allow him to sow his wild oats.

My oats are all right where they are, thank you.

But instead he's up to his arse in nappies

and letting babies use him as a sick bucket.

I don't let her, do I?

You are a disappointment, son -

and I'm only telling you because it's better you know it now,

while you can do something about it.

MALCOLM SLURPS

And don't make that noise.

He was doing that when he was five.

- Cheers. - Cheers. Mm!

Urgh! Ay! Mm-hm!

You know, as much as this been a truly terrible holiday,

I am really glad I met you.

Me too.

Look, this might seem really...

- I don't know, forward. - You asking me out?

Urgh! No, you're not my type, babe.

I've never been remotely fanny curious, unfortunately.

No. I wondered

if you've ever heard of this energy drink for ladies called Shoes?

Because I have got an amazing investment opportunity for you.

Oh, you mean you're looking for the next idiot to sell to.

Gemma?

He's a conman!

Oh. Fine.

Mm! Mm!

- Whoo! - Hey, are you excited? - I'm going to bed.

- What? You can't go to bed. - I can! - What you doing?

- Next up we have Gemma and Charmaine! - Where you going?

You couldn't help yourself, could you?

- No? - Gemma?

- Next on the list... - No, I'll have a go!

Do you...have a talent?

- No! - Nope. - Hey!

I might do!

Malcolm. Malcolm...

This is going to be fucking hilarious.

Mm.

Mm! Mm!

Yeah! Whoo!

Whoa! Yes, make some noise!

We have one to beat, girls and boys.

- Yes, Malcolm! - Fantastic!

Next up, we have nine-year-old Lin Lee!

- That was good, weren't it? - Whoo! - APPLAUSE

- Boo! - Yeah!

Fuck off.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BABY BABBLES ON MONITOR

Sh.

You all right, love?

GEMMA MUMBLES

I guess it wasn't the best idea coming on holiday

with a small baby, was it?

To be honest, it is harder than just being at home.

Yeah.

I've got something for you.

- Hmm? - What?

Ta-da!

- Dad, did you win?! - No!

No, I had to bribe a small boy into handing it over.

How much?

Three bin bags full of cuddly toys from the grabbers.

Hand it over, then.

- Well, I'd better wash me socks if we're getting off, eh? - Oh, God!

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