Original subtitles

This is the home and general office of the Bruin Fertilizer Company.

Rock Bruin, who founded this fertilizer empire at the age of 22.

His wife Millie, she's tender, loving, but yet a woman who would not stand for

any shit other than what the company could sell.

The eldest son, R .J., who's been running the business for the past two

His younger brother, Robbie, and his wife, Pat.

Behind his back, the family refers to Robbie as an idiot.

But since no one has told him, he thinks he's Albert Einstein.

And then there's the redhead, Mary Ellen, who's married to R .J.

And the Bruins' only granddaughter, Little Lindy.

This is the earth -shattering story of the Bruins and the bizarre set of events

that took place a week ago last Wednesday.

Comes way too soon And the hours pass by

so slow Seems like eternity Till the

evening brings us love And fills our empty hearts

again Moonlight will bring us back again

And the starlight will guide our way. Damn!

Why did that girl have to dry her toes out the window like that?

She's driving me crazy.

I'll show her a thing or two.

With open arms take me away.

Hot Dallas night.

two of us and tonight we have the night

to share but in time this

evening will end leaving us all alone so let's

love just a little while take me away

Night, my Dallas night.

Sunrise is on the horizon.

Seems like morning comes way too soon.

And the hours passed by so slow. Seems like eternity.

So come to me with open arms. Take me away,

hot Dallas night.

I just don't know which one of these to wear.

What do you think, Duke?

Well, I'm sorry, Miss Lindy. I was fixing the lock on the door. I fell off

balance.

Why does he always try to fix the lock on my door?

And everybody else gone downstairs for breakfast?

Well, I'm truly sorry, Miss Lindy.

I'll come back later.

You're nothing but a paint freak, Duke. I am not.

You are so.

I am not.

Then what are you looking at my titties for?

That's why men climb mountains.

What?

Because they're there, that's why.

You know, Duke, I've always liked you.

I've always thought of you as something more than just a hired hand.

In fact, I've even had fantasies about you.

Really? I'm sure. I dreamed that we were lost on a desert

island.

Damn.

Yep. I was a princess and you were my... favorite warrior.

Of course, I was only 12 then and I didn't know how to come yet.

Damn!

But I know how to come now.

One night, he came home from the hunt all tired out.

It was my job to get you aroused.

And then I started to play with my titties.

I played with them until my nipples were good and hard.

And I took this oil and rubbed it all

over my body.

You really like that.

Why, your little picker just sort of jumped up.

I opened my legs wide so you could see my sweet little pussy.

And I opened it up just a little bit.

And I played with my clit.

But then he started breathing real heavy.

Then I took my finger and I slipped it in my pussy.

That guy was being fucked.

About then he started getting real crazy.

Then I took this big banana,

one of the natives probably.

I used it kind of like a dildo.

Put it in deep inside of myself like it was your bed.

cock.

In and out. In and out.

Then I flipped on over like this.

And I kept the banana in real big and hard like a cock.

You can get a good look at my beautiful ass.

My warrior.

So my hands and knees kept on playing with the banana.

And then I said, come on, Duke, fuck me.

God damn.

Oh,

Duke. Well, can I take the banana out?

that feels good.

Oh.

Oh.

Duke.

Oh, Duke.

Duke, get in the bathroom.

Lindy, who are you talking to?

Well, I'm just talking to Susie on the telephone, Grandpa.

That's nice, precious, but you better get down to breakfast.

You know how Miss Millie likes us all to eat together.

Well, where the hell are you going?

Down to breakfast.

Well, what the hell am I supposed to do with this?

Just wank on it like you always do.

Thank you. Wank on it.

RJ, breakfast is ready.

RJ, remember when we used to stay in bed and make love all morning?

No, I don't.

All I remember is you being drunk all the time, Mary Ellen.

You're the one drove me to drink.

Well, at least I had the class to drive you there in a roll.

You son of a bitch!

Don't let Mama hear you talking like that, Mary Ellen.

You'll be back on food stamps again.

Morning, everybody.

Morning, R .J.

Where's Mary Ellen? I don't think she'll be down for breakfast this morning,

Miss Millie. She's got one of her migraines.

Well, where the hell is the rest of the family? I'm sick and tired of... Don't

go getting yourself all upset now, Daddy. You know it puts a strain on your

heart. I don't have a weak heart.

Well, you will if you keep getting yourself upset.

R .J., I was thinking that I'd like to come back to work now and again just to

kind of hit that on some of the old things I used to do.

We don't need any help, Daddy.

Robbie and I are doing a very competent job.

We're turning over a profit to keep this ranch and this whole family living in

luxury. I know, but I thought... Don't think, Daddy.

We'll do the thinking.

It's about time you got down here, Robbie.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

You know how it upsets your mother not to have breakfast with the whole family.

We're very sorry, Father Brewing. All I ever wanted in life was a good hot

breakfast and a lot of grandchildren.

Please, Daddy.

Not now.

Why not now?

You two are just pissing my life away.

Shut up, Rock.

You are being crude.

I will not tolerate crude at this breakfast table. If they don't want to

right now, that's their own business.

My parents brought me up to believe that fornication was not for pleasure.

My doctor has clearly stated that unless my temperature goes above normal, I

will not get pregnant.

Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, until said time, as I get a fever, I don't

fuck! You don't need to raise your voice. You know Miss Millie don't like

screaming at the breakfast table.

Well, if y 'all will excuse me, I've got to get to the den and take care of some

business. Robbie, you come with me.

Pat, I want to see you in my office later for some dictation.

Believe me, Robbie, I've studied all the figures.

In order to be successful, we must purchase Johnson Fertilizer Company.

But, Josh R .G., we can't buy Johnson's Fertilizer. We don't have the assets. We

will. Just sign this here document and we'll be on our way.

Why, this is the mortgage to this ranch.

You want to mortgage Daddy's ranch?

Listen to me.

Sign.

We've got to buy that company.

Because there ain't enough shit in this town for the both of us.

I'm sorry, R .J.

I ain't signing nothing till I talk to Daddy.

Forget the whole goddamn thing, then.

I'll find another way.

I got work to do.

Go on, you little pansy.

Well, excuse me.

How's my big lover?

Big as ever.

Amazing what a Texan can do with four inches.

I'm bigger than Robbie. You told me that.

Yes, dear. My husband has a teeny weeny. And I'm better, too.

I overheard you at breakfast.

You're still giving him that I -only -fuck -to -get -pregnant routine, aren't

you? Works like a charm. I'm saving my entire body for you.

Pat, you got a lot of class.

Right now, I got a problem, and I need some help.

I need you to sign Robbie's name to this here document.

forgery. That is not forgery. The little fuck is your husband. My brother.

Bull, you're asking me to commit a crime.

I'm not asking you. I'm telling you.

Now you either sign that there document or I'm going to show Robbie these

pictures I take of you with that black dildo.

I got the best ones locked up in my safe.

Baby, you're not serious after all we've been through?

Sign.

Well, I'll have to practice a signature.

Eat mama's pussy and mama will give it a try.

I ain't got time to eat mama's pussy.

Then mama doesn't have time to do any forgery.

I'll eat mama's pussy.

Who is it?

It's Robbie, Mary Ellen. Can I talk to you a minute?

Why, sure, Robbie. Come on in.

My goodness, Robbie, what a surprise.

I'm sorry, Mary Ellen. I just had a phone call with somebody.

Would you like a drink? No, I think it's too early for me.

Another? All right, thanks.

So, what is it, my darling brother -in -law?

What can Mary Ellen do for you?

All wrong.

That's all. It's all wrong. You know, RJ's trying to push me too far.

You know, one of these days he's going to get me real mad.

I'm going to want to get even.

And when I get mad, I'm a pistol.

I've always thought that about you, Robbie.

You bet.

You know, we have an awful lot in common.

You bet.

What's that?

Well...

RJ and I don't get along.

And you and Pat really don't get along.

I hate RJ.

And you hate RJ.

How's that for a start?

Good start.

Good start.

You know, I've always admired you, Robbie.

Really? Uh -huh.

Sit here closer to me.

I wouldn't want anyone to hear this.

Sure. I'm 28 years old.

Nearing the big 3 -0.

And I have found that as I get older, I get more and more sexual.

No kidding.

Really.

I seem to think of sex all the time.

Dream about it, even.

Last night, I was sucking two big cocks at once.

And they came all over my face.

You ever have a dream like that?

No, not really.

No, I guess not.

Anyway, since R .J. has seen fit not to mess with me in so long, I've taken up

masturbation. As a matter of fact, I was doing it when you knocked on the door.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

No, it's all right. It's all right.

Help me, please.

Robbie, you are talking to a woman who has a... Desperate need to reach a

climax.

Help me.

Well, sure.

What? Just kiss me while I do it to myself.

Come on, just kiss me.

You've kissed me before.

Remember last Christmas?

Sure do.

Then just kiss me, that's all.

there, Duke.

Someone call for a light bulb?

You know, Duke, I've always liked you.

I never thought of you as just a hired hand.

Now look here, baby, you belong to RJ and Robbie and I am not about to mess

their gal.

And why not? They ain't messed with me in three and a half months.

Well, I don't want to hear about it.

You're talking about the men that I work for.

I know, and I love them too.

They need help.

I need help.

You need help.

What the hell do? Let's help everybody.

Well, I'm for that.

It's a test for you and me, for RJ, for all of us.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Well, I trust you'll say nothing about this to anybody, Mary Ellen.

Tomorrow, same time, Robbie.

What's that?

See if you can read my lip.

Tomorrow, same time.

Okay, I'll be here.

Lord, forgive me.

Lord, forgive me.

I hope my mama doesn't find out about this one.

Oh, damn.

Damn.

Oh, make me suck your cock. Oh.

Well, how the hell do I do that?

Tell me. Scream at me. Make me do it. That's how RJ does it.

Suck my cock.

No.

All right.

You gotta make me do it.

I can't handle this, Pat.

Come on, you asshole. The blood's rushing to my head.

Suck my cock before I bite your ass off.

Oh, I love it when you talk dirty.

That feels pretty good.

You and R .J. do this often?

Damn.

Well, I hope I don't drop you on your head if I come.

You got a nut, boy.

Okay. Ow!

Ow! Eat my pussy.

Okay.

Whip me.

Alright. Ow!

Ow!

Eat my pussy.

Okay.

Whip me. Alright.

Ow! Eat my pussy.

I'd sure wish you'd make up your mind.

is hurting my cock, baby.

Shut up, you panda.

Hi, Pat.

Hi, R .J.

What you doing with all my ropes and stuff, woman?

I was just trying to tie myself up so when you got back to the office, if you

felt like it, you wouldn't have to waste any time.

You know I don't like no one playing with my ropes and webs.

Whose clothes are those?

I don't know, R .J.

Better never be cheating on me now, Pat.

No, R .J.

Now, let's say we get your ass out there and play with your typewriter and

filing cabinets.

Yes, I will.

CW. This is RJ.

Yeah, you still got J .O. working for you?

That's good.

Yeah, I got a little job on the QT forum.

That's right.

The M .L. Johnson Fertilizer Company.

I want the whole plant burned to the ground.

Except the manure.

I want his shit.

Pay you cash when the job's done.

That's right.

Same price as the Rollins job.

Good luck.

I'm going to the kitchen to get myself a beer.

Is there anything you want me to do while you're gone?

Yeah.

Clean this shit up.

Okay.

Is he gone?

Yeah, but not for long.

I ain't taking any chances. I'm getting out of here.

Why do they always leave me with the dirty work?

And at his press conference held earlier today, the president of the United

States was quoted as saying, who needs their oil anyway?

I think I'm going to go check on the horses.

Earlier this evening, tragedy struck the Johnson Fertilizer Plant.

Fire gutted the entire structure, causing an estimated $2 .5 million in

Miraculously, the storage sheds housing over 72 ,000 tons of manure avoided

damage. The cause of this spectacular blaze is unknown at this time.

In Fallbrook, a Mary Lou Brown was attacked by what appeared to be a sex

-starved goat.

Miss Brown was unavailable for comment.

Come on, baby. Come to daddy.

Come on.

Don't play hard to get. Come to daddy. Come on.

Come on, honey.

Come on.

Come to daddy.

Duke! What the hell are you doing? None of your business, Robbie.

Come to daddy. What are you trying to do with that chicken? When I catch that

chicken, I'm going to screw that bitch like she's never been screwed before.

Quiet down, you jealous son of a bitch!

Oh, my God.

Come on, Robbie. If you was as hard up as I, you'd understand.

Oh, my God.

Robbie, chickens ain't so bad.

Beats yanking off.

Really? Come on.

Come to daddy.

Come on.

Don't play hard to get.

How you doing?

How you doing?

Okay.

You still doing that pregnant bullshit with Robbie?

Yep. You still doing that I'm too drunk to fuck with RJ?

Yep. Do you know where they are right now?

Mine's fucking with the horses and yours is getting drunk watching the food.

Wonderful.

Your place or mine?

Oh, you little bitch.

Uh...

Beautiful.

Ah.

Get over on your hands and knees.

Ugh.

Don't.

Oh, oh, oh.

We were all very sorry to hear about your little mishap, Mr. Johnson.

But if you need any help, like getting rid of any remaining stock you might

have, why, don't hesitate to let us know.

You hear, Mr. Johnson?

My regards to your wife.

Pat, darling, I think...

Let the old fart go for the deal.

What do you say that you and I get it on and celebrate?

About time, you big stud.

Say it again, baby.

Fuck me, you big cowboy.

Yeah, come on.

got some great news, everybody.

Johnson is ready to sell.

Lyndon Johnson?

No, Daddy, not Lyndon Johnson. He's dead.

M .L. Johnson.

Where would Martin want to sell out?

Well, let's just say that he had a little prearranged misfortune and I just

happened to take full advantage of the situation.

You asshole.

Mother. Don't you mother me, you dummy.

What did you do to Martin?

Nothing much. Just a little fire, that's all.

Stupid fuckhead.

Don't you know that Martin Johnson is my brother?

Gee, Mama, I didn't know that.

How would you know anything? You got your head up your ass.

You're damn right.

Shut up, Rock.

R .J., you're fired.

You can't fire me, Mama.

As long as I got 51 % of the voting stock, I can.

And I do.

And you're fired, R .J.

And furthermore, I want you out of this house.

Very well, then.

Mary Ellen, let's go.

I'd rather stay here, if it's all right with Miss Millie. Mary Ellen, you are

always welcome here, honey.

Well, that's just fine.

You folks won't have R .J. to kick around anymore.

Well... I guess that makes me the new boss of the company.

Over my dead body.

Daddy. You're a creep, Robbie.

And besides that, you're stupid.

You're so dumb, you'd probably try to fuck a chicken.

Daddy. Why don't the two of you get out of here and open up a taco stand?

That's fine.

Pat, we are leaving.

I'd like to stay also, if it's all right. You're always welcome here, my

It's exciting.

You've been wanting to get back in business and play with that shit.

Guess now you're going to have your chance.

I'm sure ready.

Well, I'm sorry to intrude.

It's okay, Duke. Come on in and have a drink.

Hey, Duke, you look terrific.

Yeah, you do.

Well, I'm kind of celebrating.

Tell us about it.

Well, I was in the den the other day and I overheard R .J. hiring some guy to

burn down old man Johnson's factory.

Yeah? That's right, so I called him and I told him about it.

Naturally, he was mighty pissed.

So me and old man Johnson, we made a deal.

I showed him how to handle his fertilizer, and now I'm a partner.

You mean?

That's right.

I'm full of shit.

All right!

You know, I've been thinking about it.

These two companies have been competing for years.

And what we ought to do is merge.

Get all that shit into one big pile, so to speak.

Great idea, Duke.

You talk real good.

Well, I'll just get started on that in the morning, my darling.

You know, Miss Millie, I think it might be nice for Duke to move into the house.

Instead of staying in that cold, old bunkhouse, he could have my room and I

could move in with Pat.

Well, I guess it's settled.

Duke, welcome to the family.

Hi, Duke.

Don't you think it's about time we finish what we started?

Well, yeah.

Well, then get on in.

I ain't never been this clean in all my life.

Damn.

What?

in my mouth.

I've read about it in books, but nobody's ever had the guts to try it.

Yeah,

sure.

Hi, Pat.

Hi, Duke.

What the heck's going on?

Well, Mary Ellen and I were having a conversation across the hall. Yeah?

And we were wondering... Well, actually, it was more of an argument.

And we were wondering if you'd come across and help us settle it.

Well, sure. What the heck time is it anyway?

Oh, I don't know. It's late. And I'm really sorry to bother you this late.

could you come across and help us? All right.

All right.

Now, what the hell are you girls fighting about now?

Well, it's a little embarrassing, really.

See, Pat said I was sexless.

Sexless? Oh, come on. What do you mean by that?

Sexless. She said R .J. never wanted to make love to me because I don't know how

to please a man in bed.

I can't imagine that.

It's true. That's what she said.

What I said was you were most likely a lousy lady.

Well, I'm not.

I'm just not.

I'm a good leg.

Well, I can believe you there, Earl. I can believe you there.

Now, you must understand, Duke.

When someone says something like that, it casts all sorts of aspersions on the

one to whom it was said.

Well, I can understand that.

And I swear, if I can't get rid of those nasty aspersions right away, I swear I

might just join a convent.

Well, we don't want you to go and do that.

Then fuck me, Duke.

Fuck me now.

Well, I guess I can do that.

Oh. Oh.

You sit on his face while I fuck him.

I love you.

Oh, God.

You asleep?

No.

Why not?

Thinking.

About what?

Things.

What things?

Me.

You.

It.

It'll be fine.

Good thing we finally threw him out.

I know that.

Millie.

Huh?

I guess you really know what's been going on around here.

Right?

You bet.

R .J. was messing around with Pat, which in turn upset Mary Ellen something

awful.

As a result of that, Mary Ellen decided to get even by enticing Robbie into R

.J.'s bedroom.

Of course, the two girls knew what was going on all the time.

So out of total boredom, they decided to have a little more fun and took

liberties with each other.

During all of this activity, little Lindy finally reached puberty and

focused her attention on Duke.

Kevin only knows what's going on up there right now.

But I do know this.

Someone has stolen all our bananas.

Bananas? I was talking about the tractor.

What tractor?

Big John, you broke down yesterday.

What were you talking about?

That I found.

Thank you.

You were fantastic.

I just wanted to thank you. You made that woman very, very happy.

Right, right.

A happy woman's a good woman.

That's right. You got a point there.

And that happy woman's a shrew.

She can work against you, rip your balls off without you ever knowing it would

happen. I've seen it happen. Terrible.

Terrible.

They could say things behind your back, make up things.

Lies, terrible things.

First thing you know, you're destroyed and you never know how it happened.

That's right.

But a happy, content woman, a fulfilled woman, now there's a woman a man can

trust.

Pat? Yes, Duke?

You wanna fuck?

That would be nice.

Come. Come.

Thank you.

Oh, no.

That was beautiful, Duke.

I'll see you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow?

I hope I see you tomorrow.

Oh.

Dookie.

Oh, Dookie.

Dookie.

You darn fucked every girl on...

Can't take it no more.

Oh, I need some rest.

Need some rest.

What

the

hell is that?

Come on in.

Oh, not tonight, baby.

Bye -bye.