Original subtitles

2 This is the beginning

of a gender war.

BARBARA: It's a sign. I'm the Doe.

Sign there and you're one of us.

ELISE: Prue knows something.

BARBARA: OK, we'll go to the party,

we'll find out what they know.

ELISE: If I win, you'll tell us

who the... (CLEARS THROAT) ..is.

Kaye Blanchett.

PRUE: Scott and Lyle

both broke up with her.

ELISE: Wait. Where's Barbara?

Barbara! Barbara!

-I'm the Doe. -Not without your Buck.

Stretch, do you have your Doe?

-STUDENTS: ACAB! ACAB! ACAB! -I'm doing this for you!

BARBARA: Come on.

('ROSES' BY ELISHIA)

♪ My feelings rising

♪ Try not compromise this

♪ We're in too deep now to leave it

♪ We're already playing with demons

♪ I ask the questions

♪ You keep me second-guessing

♪ You have your hands up... ♪

Come on.

Get up.

♪ In the night, night... ♪

(DOOR SHUTS)

Officer Shepherd!

(QUIRKILY UNSETTLING MUSIC)

(SINGER VOCALISES)

(UPWARDS GLISSANDO INTO SCREAM)

(QUIRKY OPERATIC SINGING)

And how often do you sleep at home, Bibi?

-Am I OK to call you Bibi? -No!

Hey, does my nose

look infected to you?

Ooh, Elise, gross!

Oh.

You're processing a break-up,

a social rejection.

I get it.

Anyway, back to the investigation.

Kaye Blanchett,

the improv'er, not the Oscar winner.

So, Prue said Kaye was dumped spectacularly

by both Lyle and Scott.

So what I think we do

is join the Dramatic Society,

befriend her, get a confession.

Also, a little birdie told me

you used to dabble in youth theatre.

Oh, my God, why are you so fixated on my family?

It's just what friends do.

I want to know everything about you.

(SCOFFS)

Your mum was right.

You are a stalker.

(POIGNANT MUSIC)

I should go.

ROACH: The killer left the tip of a penis

in our tip off box late last night, and they also left this.

Now, the med adviser said that unless it's reattached

in the next 36 hours, then there's no point.

So they were alive when it was removed?

ROACH: According to forensics, yes, so time is of the essence.

I want some more information on this Donna Kebab person.

SHEPHERD: There's no info to give, sir.

Donna Jernejcic is a second-year law student,

and the...men on this campus are pulling a prank.

-I don't get it. -Donna Kebab.

Essentially, they're implying

she's a quick fix at the end of the night

and you might regret it in the morning.

SHEPHERD: Yeah, it's bullshit slut shaming

and it doesn't make her a suspect.

She did sleep with the first two victims.

Well, and at least 30 other men

if we're to believe the wrappers, right?

But it's probably hearsay and I don't know

whether we should be wasting our time on it.

-I can't do this. -She could be a scorned lover.

That gives us motive.

Excuse me, there's a man bleeding to death.

I know.

(DOOR SLAMS LOUDLY)

(FOOTSTEPS)

Hey.

-Hi. -Yeah, we can't stay for long.

As the new Doe, I have to support the team

while they find Rory's replacement.

Hopefully not another incel.

Ohh! Rory and I are so over.

I just wanted to say

that I am really sorry about last night.

Barbara, you don't have to pay us off with gifts.

I...

Is that the Micro Skin Mineral Blush?

What? The one you can only get in South Korea?

-Yes! -Their team liked my content.

I guess we're fine.

But just, like, no more weird shit, OK?

No more weird shit.

OK. We should go.

Alright. Well, that's really cute.

DEBBIE: No, they're not, they're nasty.

JESS: They... (STAMMERS)

'Bye.

-JESS: OK, you don't say that. -(DOOR OPENS)

-(QUIRKILY UNSETTLING MUSIC) -(DOOR CLOSES)

Hi. I'd like to join your club.

Oh, sorry, British, we're full.

But you know what isn't?

Our studio audience for tonight's Sketch Zoom-tacular!

Elise!

Bad news. She's at it again.

I'm across it.

BARBARA: What, you found one in your cubicle too?

Yeah, you've got a penis tip in your cubicle.

What?!

Oh, this is bad!

This is worse. Jenny knows.

She's not that smart. Is she?

(ANDY CLEARS THROAT) Ladies.

After internal chats,

we've managed to make room for one more.

-The BNOC. -ELISE: The what?

Big name on campus.

I'm only in if Elise is too.

No, he could have been talking about me.

I wasn't, and your nose is bleeding.

Thanks for getting me in. I can take it from here.

The killer's at it again and we have less than three hours

to find her and take her to the cops before Jenny turns us in.

I think we should stick together.

Fine!

(DETERMINED MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND PERFORMERS VOCALLY WARMING UP)

Hello, ladies.

Everybody, this is Barbara and her friend.

Kaye, you're all good if we give your scene to Barbarino?

(HALF-LAUGHS) Of course.

If she can play it with the gravitas it deserves.

ADAM: This will be you, Barbarino.

(MAKES GLUGGING SOUND)

(LAUGHS) Don't worry, I'll be your scene partner.

We can take it wherever we want.

Respect and consent are key.

-I'm not performing. -Hey, don't stress.

I'll be naked too. And I've done intimacy training.

Yeah, 'cause that's the only way he'll ever get any.

(PERFORMERS LAUGH)

(LAUGHS)

ANDY: So, Babylonia,

the rules of the group are simple.

You've always got to say "Yes, and..."

How about "Fuck, no"?

You're Kaye Blanchett.

You're familiar with my oeuvre.

Yes, I'm a big, big fan.

(SCOFFS)

You know, I'm always trying to get more girls involved.

-The boys won't let you? -Oh, not at all.

It's just that a lot of them don't have what it takes.

And pretty girls, no talent.

You're giving quirk and main character.

Do you get that a lot?

No, n...not ever.

Um, well, um, I-I do feel the same way about you.

Now, should we go rehearse some improv?

Well, you don't rehearse improvs, but sure.

Let's go kick around some ideas for the Zoom-tacular.

Come on.

-(ELISE CHUCKLES) -This way.

(PERFORMERS CONTINUE WITH VOCAL WARM-UP)

(PHONE BUZZES)

I've done two one-woman shows.

'A-O-KAYE', an in-depth look at my mental health,

and last week, 'ONE HUNDRED KAYE',

an in-depth look at my gambling addiction.

Both shows lasted eight hours.

Wow! I think you're gonna be the next Cate Blanchett.

Or is Cate Blanchett going to be the first Kaye Blanchett?

Talents?

Oh, uh, argh!

Uh, I play the bagpipes.

You are so cool, Elise.

-Am I? -Mm.

Most people think it's weird.

The CJUDS boys have always made a safe space

for talented weirdos.

So, this club must take up a lot of your time.

Do you ever get a chance

to play sports or sleep?

Date?

I had a breakup recently.

Lyle. He died in the campus murders.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

And...and Scott?

Did you know Scott? Just speaking of the murders.

Would you believe we also dated? Huh!

No!

You've probably heard about our breakup.

It's, um... Well, it's kind of an urban legend.

No.

One day, he calls me onto the quad.

He's made this...this honour guard with the football team.

So I walk through it assuming there's a proposal,

or at the very least, a dinner invite.

He dumps me in front of everybody.

I was furious.

(LAUGHS CRAZILY)

Oh, now, Elise...

..I have the most brilliant idea for a dating sketch.

ELISE: No, I don't think I can.

Oh, no, Kaye, yes, Kaye,

you have to stop peer-pressuring this poor girl.

Do you talk to yourself?

I prefer "dramatic aside".

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Rory!

Why are you carrying around a mattress?

-It's a protest. -Did he tell you to do this?

This is an effective form of protest.

Sexual assault and murder affect both genders.

All genders.

Rory, this is a famous form of protest

by female victims of sexual assault.

It's meant to signify carrying the weight.

There is a man out there without a dick.

How about I do everybody a favour

and cut yours off right now?

Did you hear that?

She's threatening me!

-Detective. -Officer.

So, what if this whole thing was a false flag,

a man attempting to unite other men against women?

Do you have any other evidence besides that footprint?

No.

Just a theory.

OK.

Well, I still have a theory of my own. Look.

This proves that she's affiliated with the rad fems.

No, not this again, Shep.

If we went off this kind of evidence,

then we'd be arresting Donna Kebab

based on 20 kebab wrappers, right?

So what is going on with you?

I'm sorry.

I've... I've just... I've been here two years.

I know these students.

I will get it under control.

Alright.

KAYE: The Kill All Men Killer!

The Kill All Men Killer!

What the fuck?

What are you doing?

We've got a date with Jenny in the art room in 10 minutes.

Hurry back, Elise. I need to run you through some blocking.

OK, Kaye.

(QUIRKILY UNSETTLING MUSIC)

(DOOR SHUTS)

I've decided I'm not gonna confront Kaye

till after the show.

I'm sorry? There's a man bleeding to death.

Kaye is lovely.

I want to do the show with her.

Yeah, first off, she's a major pick-me.

She's not a pick-me.

She's just a low-maintenance theatre kid

who prefers the company of men.

I saw he scream "kill all men" in the mirror.

I'm pretty sure she's the penis cutter.

Barbara, she can't be both.

A pick-me doesn't kill men, she loves them,

so maybe you're wrong.

(JENNY LAUGHS)

Oh, wow, lesbian socials will go crazy for this.

Art girl lesbians who argue all day

and murder all night.

I finally worked out what the red dots mean.

You killed them, then made love at the crime scene,

then painted your pants with the blood.

Not quite.

BARBARA: Jenny,

I gave you your money.

Why are you still coming after us?

I used it to pivot and expand.

I now produce wearables.

You didn't pay your student fees?

"Give a woman a fish and she eats for a day.

"Teach a woman to fish and she eat forever."

Joe Biden.

Our only problem

is now we have 2,500 units to move. (CLAPS)

And why is that our problem?

Because if you want to stop me

taking these pants to the police,

I'm going to need Barbara to tell her followers

she's collab-ed with me on this.

BARBARA: No. I'm not doing this.

ELISE: Yes, Barbara, you have to. You owe me.

-What? -Leaving me alone last night.

Letting them pierce my nose. Calling me a stalker.

Am I wrong?

Look at the way

you're already fawning over Kaye.

I'm sorry, Elise, but I am not putting that on my body.

JENNY: That was hot.

But, Elsie, do you have the authority

to negotiate a daily posting plan on behalf of Barbara?

It's 'Elise'.

And no.

Drop the drip by midnight or I go to the police.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

I need to interrogate her properly.

You need to announce the collab.

When we hand Kaye over, the collab won't matter.

Fine. But I hope you're right.

Otherwise, at midnight, you're going to jail.

(BARBARA SCOFFS)

-Kaye... -KAYE: Oh, there you are.

I think this colour's gonna look fab on you.

What happened between you and Lyle?

Oh, he broke up with me.

And to be honest, I deserved it.

I cheated on him a bunch of times.

The CJUDS parties can get frisky.

And Scott, the dishonour guard?

It was so public. I wouldn't blame you if...

Darling, have you heard of a PR relationship?

What?

It's very common in the entertainment industry.

I paid him to date me and break up with me.

It did wonders for our subscribers.

I saw you say "Kill All Men Killer" into the mirror.

-What was that? -I'm sorry.

Were you stalking me in my dressing-room?

(INTENSE MUSIC)

OK, we're about to go live.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

-please take your seats... -Come on!

..and set your phones to silent...

KAYE: Thank you.

..as the performance is about to commence.

And your hot friends are at the door.

So don't embarrass me.

Come here. Come.

What...what are you doing here?

Oh, those little shits!

Um, that's why I'm here.

People are always using my content to catfish.

I'm just gonna get them to take it down

and then we should go get drinks...

Yeah, but, like, if you did want to do the show, Babz...

-Like, that's OK. -No!

-No, no, no, no, no, no. -You can do...

Yeah, like, we fully support your social suicide, babe.

(APPLAUSE)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(ANDY MIMICS CRYING BABY)

(GASPS)

Why won't she latch? Goddamn it!

Nurse! Nurse!

-Can you show me how? -Yeah, no worries.

My God, B, just go, just go.

ANDY: I can feel the milk flowing!

-DEBBIE: Hurry up, B! -ANDY: Flow! Help!

Oh, oh, yeah. Fine, fine. Go.

Oh!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-A drink? -Yeah.

(BOTH EXHALE THEATRICALLY)

She sells seashells

by the seashore.

Seashells, seashells

by the seashore.

Amazing!

Oh! Give me a hug.

Oh, you're gonna be so good!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Break a leg. (SINGSONGS) I love you!

Prrrr!

Prrrr!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Elise! Come here.

I really need to talk to you.

Just let me have my moment.

(QUIRKILY SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Whee! (GIGGLES)

(NOTIFICATIONS CHIME)

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)

Tinder? More like Chunder. (RETCHES)

(LAUGHTER)

Ugh!

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

OK, I think we're in the middle of a live cancellation.

(LAUGHTER)

-MAN 1: You suck! -MAN 2: You suck!

(LAUGHTER)

MAN: Boo!

(LAUGHTER)

BARBARA: Shit!

PERFORMERS: Arggh!

(LAUGHTER)

MAN: Bingo!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

(UNNERVING MUSIC)

(BAD FRENCH ACCENT) Hello! I am zee kitchen gardener!

I am so sorry, all the food has been poisoned.

(ANDY GASPS)

No, it wasn't the food.

We died because she was ugly as fuck.

(LAUGHTER)

I also happen to be single.

This is for you, pretty lady.

Stop trying to ruin our sketch.

I thought you didn't want to be on stage.

-Ooh! -AUDIENCE: Oh!

Oh, God, you're just meant to mime!

I thought the rule was "Yes, fucking, and..."

ANDY: OK, I get it, I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead.

(BARBARA CHUCKLES)

Shall we go and get a drink somewhere else?

Oh! Oh!

You are wondering where I got my wearables.

Well, if you want flowers

and you want to wear them too, then...

BOTH: ..Jenny's Crochet Garden...

-..is for you. -..is for cool. Cool.

-MAN: Fuck, terrible. -(BOOING)

ANNOUNCER: OK, that was...

Thank you. Thank you, Barbara.

You were right.

Kaye can't be the killer and a pick-me.

She's just a pick-me.

Also, she was performing every night of the murders.

For eight hours.

(SLOW CLAP)

Sorry, Elise. There's only space for one girl in CJUDS.

It's not a space, Kaye.

It's a cage.

You might think it's benefiting you now,

but it's putting you in sexist sketches

and pitting you against other women.

(LAUGHS)

You're a scream!

And now, our fifth sketch of the night,

'Drinks on the Beach'.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I don't think Kaye minds the cage.

-I think she might've built it. -Mm.

I shouldn't have left you at the party.

Or called you a stalker.

It's OK.

I think your bad improv was enough of a gesture.

(CHUCKLES)

For you.

Detective Roach.

Oh, good evening, Commissioner.

(TENSE MUSIC)

The investigation's going...

Melbourne University have threatened to pull out

of the Federation Games

and we are haemorrhaging international students.

Financially and optically, this is fucking me.

So, yes, why don't you tell me how the investigation's going?

Here you go.

Alright, get up.

We're making an arrest.

About fucking time.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(NOTIFICATION BUZZES)

Oh! I've been removed from the group chat.

I'm so sorry.

Now I understand why being the Doe meant so much to you.

Yeah.

When I was little, my mum left my dad,

and she worked two jobs, but we never had much.

And then one day, one of my videos went viral.

(LAUGHS) I...I felt so powerful.

I just wanted to feel like that in real life.

I don't even have a room here.

No-one knows that but you.

Babe, money or no money,

you are still so powerful.

-(SCOFFS) -No, it's true!

When I first met you, I was terrified.

I had to drink three panic fizzes.

Come on, this way. You lot, come on.

(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

So, um, I made this friend back in secondary school.

Zoe was her name.

My first friend ever.

Until one day she decided to ditch me for the cool girls.

And I wanted to know why, but she wouldn't return my texts,

so I followed her home.

Doesn't seem that bad.

Yeah, like, five or six times.

Well, her parents then said I was harassing her.

That turned into a stalking charge.

My own mum didn't back me up.

(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

(SCOFFS)

I know that I can be, like, a bit full on.

You are.

But I am very comfortable telling you to fuck off

when it's too much.

ROACH: Over here!

This way!

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

-Oh, boy. -Shit.

(PERCUSSIVE VOCALISATIONS)