Original subtitles

2 VICE-CHANCELLOR: We are looking for information

regarding this bracelet.

ELISE: You still have that bracelet, right?

SHEPHERD: You don't own one of these, do you?

BARBARA: That cop's onto me.

And I have to keep a very needy Rory happy

to be the Doe.

All we need to do is find the killer.

So we're looking for a feminist

with keys to the therapy room.

What the fuck?!

ELISE: I thought you were the killers.

You have keys to the women's therapy room.

Two men killed! This is the feminist agenda at play!

What were you saying about the boys calming down?

-ELISE: Did you see... -BARBARA: Yep.

I guess she remembers us, then.

PHOENIX: So, what do we see?

Come on, we're all adults here.

We all have brains. We have thoughts and feelings.

What are we seeing?

Women licking jam off a car?

Yes.

Women licking jam

off a car

from Allan Kaprow's landmark happenings series

from the 1960s.

Yeah, so, when we describe

something as art,

we make art.

FEMALE STUDENT: Mm. (LAUGHS)

Mm. and let's apply this to our own context.

(CLICK!)

-Ooh! -(STUDENTS MUTTER)

Yeah, I know, I thought that might get your attention.

This is a raw, primal attack

on toxic masculinity

so rarely seen in Australian culture.

STUDENT: Mm. Mm.

(PHONE RINGS)

PHOENIX: Yeah.

And then...

we have this...

(PHONE CLICKS)

..I'd say immature, petulant,

-flaccid attempt... -(STUDENT LAUGHS)

..to curb feminine rage.

It's gross.

I could talk a lot more...

(PHOENIX CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

-Elise. Oh, sorry. -Ooh!

Too close. I knew it.

Hey. Prue really wants you to come tonight.

Oh, me? Why?

Just be there.

I wish someone was excited for me to go to a party.

I wonder if that flyer admits two.

I'm sure it does.

Sorry, Ivan, I have to go. I need to find Barbara.

-Sorry. Sorry. -Out of my way.

IVAN: Oh, whoops! Oh, ow.

♪ Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya! ♪

ROACH: So we've abandoned the hotline

that was just overrun

with, um, prank calls and, um...

Dick pics.

ROACH: So we've set up a physical tip-off box as well.

And re last night, obviously, it's not ideal,

but we have arrested the students responsible

for the counter protest and for burning the effigy.

Yes, I called the Commissioner about that.

He's an old friend.

He's assured me that they'll be released this morning.

(SNIGGERS)

Sorry. Why?

They burnt a witch and spray-painted "Kill all women"

over the women's room entrance.

It's a clear escalation of threat!

These terrified boys are rightly lashing out

that no legitimate arrest has been made.

And what exactly are you going to do about this?

(VICE-CHANCELLOR PUTS PAMPHLET DOWN)

SHEPHERD: Well,

it's a party, so...

-..bring a plate. -Shepherd!

VICE-CHANCELLOR: I beg your pardon!

It's ridiculous! We're trying to find a murderer.

This is the beginning of a gender war on campus.

ROACH: We'll keep an eye on it.

You will do the right thing and shut it down.

(DOOR SHUTS)

So I guess in the two years you two have been here

you haven't had Friday night drinks.

Oh, no, this is just standard bullshit from her.

Everything's about optics.

Honestly, her one priority

is placating those boys

and their rich donor parents.

Shutting down that party is not gonna keep the boys safe.

I agree.

But your job is funded by the board, right?

So unless you want to go back to traffic duty,

I suggest that you stop wasting energy on it

and just do what we're told.

Fine.

Why don't you just buy plain biscuits?!

(DOOR THUDS)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(SIGHS) Personal space not really a thing in Scotland?

England. What is it about me that's giving Scottish?

This was here when I arrived. Scared the hell out of me.

And I think it's a message from Prue.

I think she's gonna tell everyone

that we're the ones who vandalised the statue.

Blaide gave me this

and then she tapped on her nose in the same way that Prue did.

This isn't from Prue.

It's a sign from the college

that they've finally picked Rory to be the Buck,

which...which means I'm the Doe.

Why did they deliver it here?

Surely they'd deliver it to your dorm room.

I get all my stuff sent here.

Oh, OK, OK. I'm-I'm happy for you.

But it doesn't take away from the fact

that Prue knows something.

She's probably gonna tell the police.

OK, we'll go to the party.

We'll find out what they know, what they want,

and then I'll get ready for the ceremony.

Deal. What time's the ceremony?

(SIGHS) An officiant will let Rory and I know when it's time.

-(PHONE RINGS) -Wait, aren't you guys fighting?

BARBARA: No.

-He's obsessed with me. -(NOTIFICATION CHIMES)

All I have to do is like his messages.

Ping!

He'll be fine.

OK.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-You waited. -Course, bruh.

No worries.

No man left behind. Hmm.

Do you need a lift?

-I've got space in my car. -It'll be fine.

-Barbara's always late. -OK.

(CLICKS PHONE)

RORY ON PHONE: Babz, it's me. I need you.

I've accidentally done a hate crime.

I've set a witch on fire.

They've arrested me. Call me back.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

It's ridiculous. Like, they get all the funding and...

Alright, gentle sirs.

This is Rory.

He helped me witch-burn last night.

Aren't you, like, captain of the Bucks?

Uh, I guess.

-By default. -So you're, like, an ultra-Chad?

-Why are we working with a jock? -Dorian...

Rory's friend was killed by the feminists.

That is why we're all here.

Look, I don't want any trouble. I can just...

We're men's rights activists,

not basement-dwelling incels.

JARED: Alright.

Just sign there and you're...

..you're one of us.

(CLEARS THROAT)

BARBARA: They have zero chill

when it comes to exclamation marks.

ELISE: I hope we get in.

(SCOFFS) Please.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Name one feminist.

One? OK, I can name so many.

Uh, Simone de Beauvoir, obvs.

Um, bell hooks.

Yeah, OK.

Beyoncé.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Yeah, OK.

OK, so let's talk strategy.

I think, obviously, I make a better good cop

because my natural resting face is not as bitchy.

PRUE: You fucks!

('SAFARI' BY SRIRACHA PLAYS)

She's doing it. She's doing it!

♪ I'm lurking in the tall grass

♪ I'm the main bitch in the cast

♪ Think slow but speak fast... ♪

Hey, Blaide.

-What do you want from us? -PRUE: What do you want?

I remember you.

Yeah? You do?

Mm-hm.

Yeah, but you don't know why we did it.

-You don't know the full story. -Elise!

It's free entertainment!

-That's a flippant way... -Why are you blackmailing us?

-..of describing a murder. -PRUE: I can help you.

Nose ring girl.

OK, seriously,

you two have some kind of bizarre nose ring connection?

Oh. OK, let me explain.

I think maybe one day

I asked her about her nose...

Um, so, to be clear,

you-you don't know, uh, who the killer is?

-I-I do know. -Who?

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, um, sorry, that must be mine.

What are you so squirrelly about?

She's waiting on a text. She's the Doe for Stephen's College.

PRUE: Blaide!

Blaide.

Hey again, Blaide.

-Hey. -Babe, we are in the presence...

..of the Stephen's College Doe!

Oh!

Wow.

(PRUE AND BLAIDE SCOFF)

So welcoming. So inclusive.

Yeah, being a woman doesn't give you an automatic feminist card.

Actually, I think it does. The ceremony is tradition.

So is sexism. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, don't mistake men calling you hot

and opening doors for you

for, uh, actually being seen as a person.

And don't mistake running around with a nose ring

and being judgey for being morally superior.

PRUE: You know, girls like you think

you can play by their rules,

but, sweetie, one day, you're gonna look up and see

that you're stuck in a cage, just like the rest of us.

-Oh. -You can't be neutral.

Not ever, no matter how nice you think your hair is.

I'm not neutral.

I actually think the murders might be a good thing

for...for women.

So...

..Prue,

Blaidey,

why don't you tell me who you think the killer is?

I promise, we can just keep it between the four of us.

No.

I reckon we should just...

(STUDENTS CHEER AND LAUGH)

What if I earned it?

This is clit pong.

It's like beer pong but harder,

'cause the cups are smaller

and more difficult to get a bullseye with.

OK, and, um, if I win,

you'll tell us who the...

(CLEARS THROAT) ..is.

Sure, nose ring girl.

(WHISPERS) I've got this.

I don't know that you do.

PRUE: Fair warning,

I've got a lot of experience

finding the clit.

(WOMEN CHUCKLE)

(ANIMATED ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

STUDENTS: Shot, shot, shot, shot!

Shot, shot, shot, shot!

-Shot, shot, shot, shot! -(CHEERING)

(KISSES BALL)

-STUDENT: Yeah! -(CHEERING)

Eugh.

STUDENTS: Elise! Elise! Elise! Elise!

-(CHEERING) -Yeah!

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, whatever.

Oh!

STUDENTS: Chug, chug, chug, chug!

(CHEERING)

STUDENTS: Loser!

(LAUGHTER)

STUDENTS: Chug, chug, chug, chug!

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug...

(CHEERING)

(PHONE RINGS)

STUDENTS: Chug, chug, chug, chug!

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

(CHEERING)

BARBARA: It's your mum, again. Answer the phone.

Mum, I can't talk right now. I'm playing clit pong.

Um, this is my best friend, Barbara.

Uh, just, actually, friend. I added the 'best' bit just now.

Elise, don't go.

See? She's fine.

Not sober, but fine.

So, you can stop calling.

Look, I...

..I just wondered if you were OK being her friend.

Yes. Why wouldn't I be?

It's just, well, I know she can be a bit much sometimes.

With her friendship.

But if she is, please, don't go to campus security.

We don't need another stalking charge.

Just come straight to me, OK?

Yeah, sure.

Um...

Yeah, she told me about it.

-It's... -Oh.

-It's not an issue. -OK, well...

Um...

Thank you.

(CHEERING)

ELISE: Babz! Barbara! Barbara, did you see that?

I'm winning.

Bagpiper's fingers.

(CHEERING)

(BATS SQUEAK)

STUDENTS: Elise! Elise! Elise! Elise!

Elise! Elise! Elise! Elise! Elise!

(CHEERING)

(THROWS PLASTIC CUP) Urgh!

(CHEERING)

PRUE: OK, OK.

-Alright, everyone. -Disloyal.

I need space. I need space.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

ELISE: I did it, Babz.

BARBARA: You did.

Well?

Kaye Blanchett.

Cate Blanchett?

-The actress? -PRUE: Actor.

Oh, you're fucking with us.

Kaye Blanchett, the arts major.

Scott and Lyle both broke up with her

in famously public ways.

She defs did it.

Isn't...isn't that a little bit anti-feminist to say?

And she's a drama fiend,

like, so dramatic.

-Mm. -She defs killed them.

Oh, my God, you're a genius. OK, Barbara.

-We should go and find her. -BARBARA: Yeah.

-Oh. Oh. -Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh!

What if we got a bit more fucked up

with our protests?

You know? Like the MRAs.

Like, we could burn their shit! Hey, what do you say?

Or maybe we could do some more shots.

PRUE: What?

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(NOTIFICATION CHIMES)

Kill all men! Kill all men!

Not women!

CAROLINE: Your friend is super drunk.

ELISE: Bye-bye!

She's fine.

ROACH: Jacobs, so, your only job

is to make sure that the men's rights boys

stay in check, OK?

JACOBS: Got it.

ROACH: Remind them that we're on their side.

You'll take a couple of campus security, couple of uniforms,

and then I'll go with Shep.

You cannot be serious.

A pack of us are gonna barge in there,

provoke a group of peaceful women in the middle of a party?

No, the VC and the women themselves

have labelled it a protest,

and so we are within our right to police that.

It's a tiny party, Roach.

It's a non-event!

Just, look, give me a five-minute head start.

I will go in there and talk to them.

I'll get everyone out peacefully.

Nose ring.

PRUE AND BLAIDE: Nose ring...

Nose ring.

Nose ring...

Nose ring.

Nose ring.

Nose ring...

Nose ring.

Nose ring...

Nose ring.

('UNDER MY SKIN' BY GAUCI)

Nose ring.

Nose ring...

♪ I'm always told I look bored

♪ That it's written on my face

♪ I'm too shy to correct them

♪ To put them in their place

♪ "Give me a smile!"

♪ I should have faked it

♪ I laughed it off

♪ Even though I really hate it

♪ So I'm grinding my teeth

♪ And I'm hiding it all

♪ Don't want to cause a scene

♪ When they smell like alcohol

♪ And you don't understand

♪ How it makes me afraid

♪ That nothing will change

♪ No matter what we say... ♪

Wait. Wait, where's Barbara?

(UNSETTLING MUSIC)

Barbara! Barbara!

(ELISE SCREAMS)

-(PARTY CHATTER) -(BREATHES HEAVILY)

Prue?

(MUSIC THROBS)

-So cute. -What?

-Oh! -OK.

OK, ladies, that's enough. It's time to go.

Cop, fuck off!

It's just time to pack it in, that's all.

All cops are bastards!

I'm doing this for you.

BLAIDE: ACAB!

STUDENTS: ACAB! ACAB! ACAB! ACAB!

I'm doing this for you!

STUDENTS: ACAB! ACAB!

ACAB! ACAB! ACAB!

-(GRUNTS) -ACAB! ACAB!

-ACAB... -(WOMEN JEER)

-(JEERING CONTINUES) -ACAB! ACAB! ACAB!

You hurt?

Told you peaceful wouldn't work.

Rightio, just back off, alright?

(SWITCH CLICKS)

(TOMMO SIGHS) He's not turning up.

Rory's coming.

Huh.

Look, Babz,

he must still be with the MRAs.

I'm the Doe.

Not without your Buck.

I am.

I deserve this.

Jess, Debbie, tell him.

(SCOFFS)

We haven't seen you, like, all week, Barbara.

DEBBIE: What?

You've been spending all your time

with that weird bagpipe chick.

No! No.

Rory's been grieving and I've been helping him.

I think we've all been grieving, actually.

And the Doe, their one job is to hold everyone together.

The Doe manages the entire college's social calendar.

It's important. You used to think that this was important.

I do.

The Doe is meant to be everybody's friend,

like, it's a two-way thing.

I don't even know you, Barbara.

Yes, you do!

DEBBIE: I've never met your family.

You're so right. We don't even know what school you went to.

I've never seen your dorm room.

You've never even told me where you go for Euro summer.

OK, OK, I'll tell you.

I just don't think that the Doe is right for you this year.

I'm sorry.

Stretch, do you have your Doe?

Oh.

(BOTH LAUGH)

-We made it! We made it! -Yeah.

(STRETCH MOANS)

You can take your place as a handmaiden.

Fuck you.

(GENTLE, AIRY MUSIC)

(SOBS)

(WHISPERS) Hi, Elise. This is Elise.

-(WALKIE-TALKIE BLEEPS) -This is Barbara for...

Elise?

(TENDER MUSIC)

I thought I wanted it, but I didn't have time to think.

Come on.

(ELISE GROANS)

BARBARA: Let's go.

(DOOR CLOSES)

('IF YOU CALL MY NAME' BY DANIKA)

♪ If you call my name

♪ I'll be anywhere

♪ That you are

♪ If

♪ You call

♪ My name

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

♪ But you got no credit and your phone screen's fucked

♪ So I guess it's up to me

♪ If we're to keep in touch, eh?

♪ You said you're lonely when I leave your place

♪ But when I'm there

♪ You tell me that you need your space

♪ So I, I go about it in my own separate way

♪ I'm not comfortable feeling like

♪ I need you more than you need me

♪ Go 'bout it in my own separate way

♪ In my own separate way

♪ But if

♪ You call... ♪

(ELISE WHISPERS) Night, Barbara.

♪ My name

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

♪ But you got no credit and your phone screen's fucked

♪ So I guess it's up to me

♪ If we're to keep in touch, eh?

♪ You said you're lonely

♪ When I leave your place

♪ But when I'm there

♪ You tell me that

♪ You need your space

♪ But if

♪ You call

♪ My name

♪ I'll be anywhere

♪ That you are... ♪