Original subtitles

2 ROACH: The killer left the tip of a penis

in our tip off box last night.

I want some more information on this Donna Kebab.

Kaye Blanchett.

You're familiar with my oeuvre.

The Kill All Men Killer!

I have the most brilliant idea for a dating sketch.

MAN: You suck!

BARBARA: Hello!

I am the kitchen gardener.

Kaye can't be the killer and a pick-me.

She's just a pick-me.

SHEPHERD: It's Barbara, right?

How's Maya?

ROACH: Alright, get up. We're making an arrest.

-Oh, boy. -Shit.

(RESOLUTE MUSIC)

Good afternoon, staff and students.

I'm absolutely thrilled to announce

that as of yesterday evening,

police have detained a person of interest

in regards to the tragic campus murders.

We are very confident this will lead to an arrest.

So I'd love if we could put all this behind us

and focus on the upcoming Federation Games.

Has the body of the third victim been found?

Don't say 'body'. He's still alive.

You can survive without a dick.

(PHONES CHIME)

Why are they detaining an innocent woman?

How do you know she's innocent?

How do you know she's guilty?

Oh, what, are you saying a woman's not capable of murder?

No. I could happily kill you right now.

Bring it on.

Hey. What?

Hey, where are you going?

A man is still missing. We need to keep protesting!

Hey, a woman has been falsely imprisoned!

BOTH: Have some respect for the cause!

(SINGER ULULATES)

ROACH: We have 29 anonymous tips pointing to you, Donna.

So why don't you start by telling us

where you were the nights of the murders?

We wanna get you out of here, Donna.

Just tell us where you were.

This isn't helping your case at all.

Maybe you should reconsider legal counsel.

OK, why don't we take a break, yeah?

Can we get you anything?

Some water? A tea?

Kebab?

MAN ON VIDEO: But you think it's acceptable to be promoting

the work of an accused murderer?

PHOENIX ON VIDEO: No, no. Thank you for...

..for bringing that up. Um...

-ELISE: Look at this. -I don't know.

I think that... Yes.

The killer may be in custody,

but her work will echo throughout history forever.

The...the annals of art history will never forget her.

It remains bold, primal, vaginal.

-(SCOFFS) -If you'd like to go further

into the very subject,

I've penned an article

and you can go to my website.

You do realise he's taking credit

for art he didn't make,

that wasn't even intended as art?

Do you have a Google alert for him?

Do...you feel bad for Donna?

Well, why should I? She's the murderer, apparently.

Is she?

-She didn't vandalise the sta... -(DOOR OPENS)

BARBARA: Shh!

(MUTTERS) ..statue.

-Hey, Nicole! -Where's my eye shadow?

Oh, um, sorry, it's just... I was just having a look at it.

Are you going on a date?

-No, I'm going to the party. -What party?

Cops and Tarts at Stephen's College. Everyone's going.

You still owe me a toaster.

-No-one messaged me. -(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, doesn't mean you can't go.

Nicole said everyone's invited.

(SIGHS)

Let's go!

We can dress up as detectives.

Cool suits, sunglasses, cigarettes.

-Magnifying glasses... -We're the tarts, Elise.

We're always the tarts. The boys are the cops.

OK, I guess I could make that work,

but there's only one problem.

Me.

I'm famously awful at parties.

If I were to be part of

Operation Make Barbara Cool Again,

you'd have to give me a complete...

Give you a complete what, Elise?

Barbara,

you need to turn me into

someone horrifically different.

I need to be your perfect wingwoman.

Then I can help you get your brand back on track

and reconnect with your real friends.

So, OK?

(GASPS)

(SINGSONGS) What time is it?

If you want me to say 'makeover time', I'm not going to.

('IMPOSSIBLE' BY NINA LAS VEGAS)

Ooh.

-(ELISE GRUNTS) -You OK?

ELISE: Yeah. I'm OK.

BOY: Right here, ladies. Smile.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(SONG CONTINUES)

Camel!

Did anyone order two absolute party animals?

Whoo!

(AWKWARD LAUGHTER)

(BLOWS HORN)

(IMPERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS)

Welcome to the arrest piss-up.

Another dangerous woman off the streets.

On behalf of the Stephen's College boys,

let's...fucking...party!

(ALL CHEER)

(DANCE MUSIC)

We've got six hours and then we're gonna have to release her.

-This is killing me. -She's a law student, Roach.

She knows we don't have enough.

Look, I get that the VC wants an arrest, OK?

But this just seems...

Yeah, well, if she has nothing to hide, why not talk?

But...

OK, the tech guys searched her phone.

It's been completely wiped.

So we now have reasonable suspicion

that evidence has been destroyed.

Search her room.

Just don't, Shep.

(DANCE MUSIC)

Ah!

Nose ring!

Blaide!

I thought you'd be protesting.

Nah, I wanted a shower and a drink.

And besides, they'll release her.

They'll have to. It's only a matter of time.

But how can you be so sure?

Mmm.

Ask Caroline, Donna's roommate.

She here tonight?

Are we flirting or chatting?

Just chatting.

Oh.

-Barbara. -BARBARA: Hmm?

Donna's roommate, Caroline, is here. We have to talk to her.

Elise, is that why you wanted to come?

Can we just...just leave it?

No, no, no, no, no. I came to party!

But if Donna is innocent, the police will be after us again

and it means there's still a killer on the loose,

which means everyone on campus is in danger.

-(SPRAYING) -Ohh!

How did you...

Bagpiper's fingers.

Nimble.

Here.

Oh, no, no. I'm not cold.

(MUTTERS) It means he likes you. Just take it.

-I'm Tommo. -Elise.

TOMMO: Wanna dance?

Uh...sure.

Hey, Rory!

Man, good to see you!

-You want a beer? -TOMMO: Yes!

-(CAN POPS OPEN) -TOMMO: Wow!

(GIRL CHUCKLES)

Aren't you in the MRA now?

How are you allowed back in the group?

I brought beer.

Must be nice to be a man. Hmm!

That could have been us, but, uh...

..you didn't show up.

You never showed up for me.

Scott died and you didn't give a shit.

Why don't you just admit that you used me to be the Doe?

(SCOFFS) Why don't you just admit that you used me

to nurse your fragile male emotions?

-You're heartless. -You're selfish.

You're vain.

You bore the shit out of everyone with MMA.

-Fuck you! -Fuck you!

Why couldn't we have done this before?

I always felt like you wanted me around

but you never wanted to let me in.

(GRUNTS)

Elise?

I think it's working!

(MUSIC FADES)

(MUSIC STRENGTHENS)

Hey, hey! Where you going?

Oh, I'll be back! Don't go anywhere.

ROACH: We found this in your room.

It's a list of 212 people.

With dates.

Including the names of the two murder victims -

Lyle's name crossed out.

Is that because you killed him?

We just wanna understand.

Doesn't look good, you know?

Refusing to cooperate, the wiped phone and now this.

It's time to come clean.

They're the people I've had sex with.

OK?

You cracked the case. Congratulations.

212 people?

That's impossible.

Maybe for you.

Why'd you cross out Lyle's name?

Because we only got to third base before he passed out

and then I found out he was a creep,

so I dodged a bullet.

ROACH: You had animosity towards him?

Plenty of women hated Lyle. And Scott, for that matter.

But you had intercourse with both of them.

DONNA: I'm sorry.

Have I been arrested for having sex with dumb guys?

Because if so, you're going to have to arrest a lot of girls.

SHEPHERD: There are six dates on this list

with somebody called 'Jumper'.

DONNA: So?

Why is Jumper the only pseudonym?

You've got 200 full names written down there.

SHEPHERD: Well, I can only assume

that this Jumper is somebody you're protecting.

Or maybe shouldn't be with.

According to your diary, you were with Jumper

on the day that the third victim's penis tip turned up.

Is Jumper the third victim?

Is Jumper the third victim?

Have you hurt someone, Donna?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE)

We cannot let fear lead to violence against women.

Oh, hey, there is a war going on

against men

and it's gotta stop.

Can't believe they went to a party

while a woman rots in jail!

(JARED GROANS)

You know what'd be funny?

If I went to that party and I... I brought those boys back.

(LAUGHS)

Most intelligent thing you've ever said.

Really? You think so?

I'm gonna come with you.

I'll walk you.

-No, I'll walk YOU. -Ow.

-Not if I walk you first. -No, I said I would walk you.

(DANCE MUSIC)

(BOYS CALL OUT)

BOYS: Bucks! Bucks! Bucks! Bucks! Bucks! Bucks!

Bucks! Bucks! Bucks! Bucks! Bucks! Bucks! Bucks! Bucks!

Bucks! Bucks!

-Whoo-hoo! -Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

What the hell is happening?

Midnight! Tradition! Take your pants off, babe!

Have you seen Barbara?

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(MUSIC CONTINUES MORE QUIETLY)

(BOTH CHAT INAUDIBLY)

Wait a second.

Barbara.

We need to talk.

ELISE: Barbara?

(GIRL LAUGHS)

-(DOOR OPENS) -That's me.

(DOOR SHUTS)

ELISE: What the fuck?

Gross!

Oh! (CHUCKLES) Sorry, babe.

You bailed. And she's a 7.

Officer Tommo thinks you're so naughty.

(MURMURS) Barbara...

Come on, pick up.

Pick up! (GROANS)

(GIRL MOANS) Help me.

(PHONE KEYBOARD CLICKS)

What's wrong?

I'm trying to write an email,

but my typing game's off for some reason.

ELISE: Let me see.

OK, um...

OK, I will write. You dictate.

"Dear...police,

"My roommate didn't kill anyone.

"Truth is,

"she's been sleeping with her professor

"and she was with HIM

"both nights of the murders."

"Love, Caroline."

(CAROLINE CHUCKLES)

Wait, you're Caroline?

Mm-hm.

Do you know which professor?

All I know is he wears fugly jumpers.

(MURMURS) Not Phoenix, then.

-Huh? -Uh, sorry.

If Donna has an alibi, why is she protecting this guy?

Oh, she's not protecting him.

She's protecting herself and...

Ugh!

..her future law career.

This shit always comes back on the woman.

You sent it?

Oh.

200?

I mean, that can't be true, can it?

You have to get over that. And we have to let her go.

This Jumper guy could be bleeding out

in a sex dungeon as we speak.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's not Donna's dungeon.

-Well, course you are. -What does that mean?

'Cause you're too involved.

You're losing the big picture again, Shep.

You're being obstructive and difficult.

-I'm losing the big picture? -Yeah!

These murders are not about what's happened this week

or what's happened this semester.

They are the result of

200 years of female rage.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Each year,

one in six women are harassed on this campus.

One in thirty are assaulted.

Most of them will know their perpetrator.

And they will come to me looking for help

and I can't give them any.

Because misogyny is woven into every element of this place.

And until that changes, until we change that,

people are going to keep dying.

You watch.

And the old Roach

that I read about in all those articles

probably would have given a shit about that.

-JACOBS: Um... -SHEPHERD: What?!

We just received an email I think you should see.

(ALL SHOUT AND CHEER)

Hey, Jared, shouldn't you be crying in the quad?

We should all be on the quad.

Dorian!

Men are still under attack.

Yeah, but I made a shirt.

(SPRAYING)

-Ha-ha! -Hell, yeah!

You just got silly-stringed!

It isn't even funny!

(LAUGHS)

What the hell?

(SPOOKY LAUGHTER)

(ECHOES) Jared...

Shit!

(WHISPERING ECHOES) Jared, Jared, Jared, Jared, Jared!

-PRUE: Oi, dipshit. In here. -JARED: Ow!

Oh, my God. Thank God.

There is something seriously wrong about that, um, pig...

What are you doing?

Tonight, and tonight only, I will fuck you.

And then we take this secret to our graves.

But...

..what about the...the cause?

Let's pause the cause.

(PANTS)

Sorry, Maya.

I'm so sorry.

I was a different person back then, but it's no excuse.

Oh, hey. Have you seen Barbara?

I was literally just looking for her.

You can't go over there.

Nicole, if this is about the toaster or the scarf...

They're having a conversation that's been a long time coming.

Scarf?

Who's that?

NICOLE: Maya.

She's the one who spoke out

after the O-Week party at this college.

ELISE: Oh.

And your friend publicly came out

in support of her rapist.

What?

No, Barbara never said anything about that.

It happened before you started.

No, but Barbara wouldn't do that.

Would she?

I have enough to deal with.

And...I don't wanna hold a grudge, so...

..we're good.

Really?

Yeah. I'm doing better.

Working through it.

That's...that's great.

How about you?

There's this group on campus I've been going to...

Oh! Um, I'm fine.

I...I'm fine. Thank you, though.

Barbara, what happened to you that night was...

It... It...was just that camel video.

But that's done now.

They've stopped posting it, so it's fine.

No, I'm talking about what happened afterwards.

Downstairs.

It was a party.

(CHUCKLES) And we were all wasted.

OK, well, then...

..you wouldn't mind coming down there with me, then?

-So you've released her? -We had to.

I think we need to rethink the whole investigation.

Well, I won't say anything. That should buy you some time.

The students should know that the murderer is still out there.

You leave the students to me.

I don't tell you how to do your job.

Well, you do. Constantly.

You and I both know that this is not a new problem.

Women have been coming forward for the past...200 years.

But they can't win because, well...

..because misogyny.

Thank you, Detective,

for mansplaining my own campus to me.

Did you go to university?

I mean, do detectives go to university?

No, I didn't go to university.

Exactly. Because what you're talking about IS university.

Every university.

You're talking about the university experience.

One of the professors is sleeping with his students.

Which isn't a crime -

unlike castration,

unlike murder.

Not sure why I have to spell this out for you.

I have a lot of very upset parents to deal with.

Find the fucking boy

who belongs to that fucking tip.

(DOOR OPENS)

(FRAUGHT MUSIC)

(HAUNTING VOCALISATION)

(DANCE MUSIC THUMPS)

BOY: Merry fuckin' litmas, bro!

Can't believe I didn't know.

You look different.

What's changed?

Nothing. It was a stupid idea anyway.

(BOY GROANS)

Boundaries, bro! Read the room!

(DARK MUSIC)

(LOUD CLUNK)

(ALL GROAN)

-Hey! -Turn the music back on!

(WOMAN GASPS)

What the fuck?

Ivan!

Ivan?!

Somebody call the cops!

(ALL SCREAM)

Somebody call the cops!

(SILENCE)

(CRICKETS CHIRP)

(SIREN WAILS IN THE DISTANCE)

(HAUNTING VOCALISATION)

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