Original subtitles

2 ELISE: I'm Elise.

You're Barbara.

I've seen you in my Fine Arts class.

I came here to be a protest artist.

-Camel! -Shut the fuck up!

-Why are you overreacting? -Where are our rights?

Let him film, you fugly dog!

BARBARA AND ELISE: Fuck the patriarchy!

Kill all men!

Let's go teach him a lesson.

Go fucking...gorilla shit.

(PEOPLE CHEER)

REPORTER: Detectives confirmed

the victim was footballer Scott Nicholls.

We have to go to the police.

No way! They'll think we did it.

BARBARA: You bury the evidence. They won't find anything.

We got away with it.

SONG: ? Don't you forget about me

? Take control of my mind if you wanna party

? I got a see-through body

? You're seeing through my body tonight

? Don't you forget about me

? Take control of my mind if you wanna party

? I got a see-through body

? I'm seeing through my body tonight

? Fuck off with your jokes and your picket fence

? I like being choked without a pretence

? You can hide behind your clothes

? Like nobody knows... ?

(PHONE CHIMES)

? Call me Wednesday Addams

? I'm a cheeky fright

? Mistress to your madam on a Friday night

? Hide my number in your phone

-? Like nobody knows... ? -(GAGS)

(RETCHES, GROANS AND COUGHS)

Oh, no. Oh, Nicole. I'm... I'm so sorry.

I'll clean all this up, I promise.

Look, I really do think maybe...

..you got the wrong first...

..impression. (GAGS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Babz, hey, what the fuck? You missed yoga this morning.

Yeah, sorry, um, I was hanging with Rory.

Yeah, how's he holding up?

We bet he must be super lost without Scott.

Yeah, he...he is. He's... He's super lost.

Who the fuck would do that?

It's like, yes, OK, Scott was a groper,

but only when he was drunk.

-Right? -It's those angry-ass feminists.

They always take things too far.

It's, like, remember when they changed

all of the signs on the toilets

and then no-one knew which one to use.

Yes, like, what the hell even is an all-gender ambulant?

-(PHONE CHIMES) -JESS: What does it mean?

DEBBIE: So fucking annoying.

Is it Rory?

BARBARA: Yes, it is.

He wants me to come back to his room, so...

-DEBBIE: Aww! -..I'd better head off, yeah.

Go to him. We'll just meet you guys at the kick.

The kick?

Um, isn't that meant to be at the end of the season?

Oh, he didn't tell you?

-Um... -DEBBIE: Crazy.

JESS: Well, Rory's doing it

for Scott this afternoon, as symbolism.

Yeah. Babe, you're coming, right?

Of course I am. Yes. I'll be there.

Yes, OK, yep. This is a day just like any other.

So see you soon.

-What?! -Well, it's not...

(HAUNTING VOCALISATIONS)

Hey! Stop digging!

Stop digging!

Shoo!

Get away from there, dog!

Right now! Away!

(DOG BARKS)

Right now! Hell... Uh, hello?

Does anyone own this dog?

(DOG SNIFFS)

Does anyone want this dog?

(OPERATIC SINGING WITH DRAMATIC MUSIC)

This was a truly senseless act.

We have lost a beloved student

and the integrity

of one of our most esteemed

heritage-listed statues.

I want to assure you

that the investigation is in safe hands,

as it's being led by a detective

who 15 years ago

brought down the McKinnon crime family,

the great man himself, Stuart Roach.

(APPLAUSE)

Good.

-Uh... -(CAMERA CLICKS)

That was a long time ago.

Thank you, Vice-Chancellor.

Well, but, for now,

we have detained an individual for questioning.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

We will leave no stone unturned.

So that's good.

-Cheers. -(CAMERA CLICKS)

REPORTER 1: Will this affect student enrolment?

REPORTER 2: Will Prue Matthews be formally charged?

I can assure the student body

that they will find those responsible...

..then put them away for life.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

ELISE: What did I miss?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

? Don't you forget about me

? Take control of my mind

? If you wanna party

? I got a see-through body

? You're seeing through my body tonight

? Don't you forget about me... ?

-(MOUSE CLICKS) -? Take control of my mind... ?

I didn't do it, you fucks!

Arggh!

I keep telling you, I passed out

and someone put this shit on me.

I don't know, sir, I'm sort of inclined to believe her.

She...she was found covered in red paint,

she has radical anti-male beliefs,

and earlier on that day,

she had an altercation with the victim

as witnessed by a police officer.

-SHEPHERD: Yeah, but I know her. -PRUE: Fuck!

-ROACH: Yeah? -SHEPHERD: She's pretty direct.

I feel like, if she did it,

she would honestly just tell us.

PRUE: I wish I killed him!

If I did, I would have done it twice!

And that doesn't even make sense.

It's not just Prue.

I've had countless complaints about Scott.

He was a bully and a rapist with a drinking problem.

Well, we should have forensics back later today,

then we'll see whether it puts Prue anywhere near the body.

PRUE: Ohh!

So rest up, I reckon.

(DARKLY WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

(DOG PANTS)

So at some point, are you going to explain the dog?

He was digging around the evidence. (GAGS)

Christ! Can you at least try to keep it together today?

Sorry, I think I've run out of vomit.

-Now it's just noise. -OK, wait.

Who sent it? Was it the killer?

What did I just say?

OK, maybe it's time we go to the cops.

OK, or, if we can't do that,

maybe we try and find the killer before we go down...

Elise! I have a lot on today, OK?

This is just one more small problem

and then everything will be back to normal.

-(DOG BARKS) -(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

Two small problems.

BARBARA: It's fine, it's fine.

We were wearing masks and the first thing we did

was paint over the camera.

Yeah, but what about the other cameras on campus?

The Swamp Bar.

That's just us getting drunk.

The art space!

(DOG BARKS)

Shit!

Oh, fuck.

ELISE: I'm guessing there's definitely

a camera in there, then.

She saw me put the key back yesterday,

so it's probably suss if I'm hanging around again.

I thought you said nobody saw you.

Yeah, well, I...I lied.

Sorry, OK?

I'll go in the back.

-You text when they're gone. -No, no, no.

We should stay off our phones. For security.

-I got us these. -(HELICOPTER WHIRRS NEARBY)

The box says ages 6 to 11, but the range is legit.

They're super sturdy.

And you just had these in your bag?

Yeah, always.

My mum and I used to chat

when I was working at the deli.

SHEPHERD: So the art quadrangle first,

and then the law building.

PHOENIX: Right, so what time can we expect them?

Well, a competent team would be here...

(PHONE RINGS)

Hey, Mum, what's up?

Elise!

What the bloody hell's going on?

A boy is dead!

When you didn't call back, I was so worried,

I thought something had happened.

It says "Kill all men" everywhere.

I don't think I'm their target.

Oh, that poor boy!

-Oh, and his doodle. -ELISE: Hmm.

(SIGHS)

You look chalky, darling.

Have you been anxiety-retching again?

No, no, no, I'm fine.

My friend and I, we're just working on a special art project

and it is, uh...,

-OK. -It's super stressful.

-Well, what friend is this? -Yeah.

-OK, Mum, I have to go. -No, no, wait.

-Elise, did you get... -I love you.

(UNSETTLING MUSIC)

-(DOG BARKS) -ELISE: Oh.

Barbara, they've gone.

Yeah? Thanks for the text.

4pm.

Today.

What?

One thing at a time.

-One thing at a time. -I haven't seen any cameras.

Maybe we finally caught a break?

IVAN: I am so fucked.

Why are you fucked?

Well, because of the murder,

they're gonna see me creating my cuties.

Uh, so, what... what's the problem?

When I create, I go into a deep, trance-like state,

and often come out changed.

And sometimes there's liquid.

OK, so, you hump the animals.

No, 'cause most of the liquid is tears.

(DOG WHINES)

IVAN: Oh. Pleasure to meet you.

-So, Peter... -Ivan.

Ideally, the cops, when they get to the camera,

there'll be no memory card in it, right?

Or the same card would be in there,

but I would have taken it out

and microwaved it for 22 seconds.

What... What's holding you back from doing this?

Well, I need help reaching the camera

when Phoenix is not around.

But he comes through here all the time.

I-I guess we could help you with your plan.

-IVAN: Really? -BARBARA: Of course!

IVAN: Thank you!

Would you excuse us a moment?

(MUTTERS QUIETLY)

-IVAN: Oh, may I? -Oh, yeah.

-IVAN: Thank you. -Of course.

One of us distracts Phoenix, the other helps...

I'll distract Phoenix! For the mission.

I mean, I will take one for the team

and, yeah, I'll distract Phoenix.

Have you got a crush on Phoenix?

What? No. Ugh! Gross!

Dude, he's a self-congratulatory

fake feminist with a non-intimidating jawline.

Yeah, exactly.

So who wants to spend any time with him, then?

-I will take the shite job. -OK, OK, fine, fine, fine.

You take Phoenix. Just...

You're gonna have to lean into...seduction.

(GAGS)

Yeah, you...you should do...do it. Mm-hm.

Yeah.

-(WHIMSICAL MUSIC) -(GAGS)

Professor?

-Hey! -Ahhh.

I was wondering if we could talk about my assignment.

Um, yeah, of course.

My door is always open.

-Literally. -Yeah?

Yeah, thanks to the open-door mandate

after Professor Walters's misconduct.

Shall we get a coffee?

Pew!

-(DOG BARKS) -ELISE: Oh, my God.

-Please be quiet! -(DOG BARKS)

I think he's scared of the ladder.

He'd make an awesome dog cockroach.

-(BARKS) -Shush up, dog!

Someone's gonna hear you.

-You need to be an alpha. -(DOG BARKS)

Stop. Now.

(PANTS AND WHINES)

(MYSTICAL VOCALISATIONS)

In animal packs, the alpha is the pack leader.

That should be you.

But the dog knows that you don't have any alpha energy.

Yes, I do.

Sit!

(MYSTICAL VOCALISATIONS)

(INTENSE MUSIC)

(DOG WHINES)

Wow.

PHOENIX: You're a postmodern artist,

and I've always seen social media

as the Louvre of the modern world.

Da Vinci, Rubens, Barbara.

Your profile is your canvas.

You seem distracted, Barbara.

PHOENIX: It's Rory, isn't it?

His little tantrum in class the other day.

(SIGHS QUIZZICALLY)

Look, he's a nice kid and all,

but you don't need all that drama.

BARBARA: We're fine. It's...

It's just our thing, you know?

Well, maybe you need someone more mature, hm?

My wife is six years older than me and she is the absolute best.

(PHOENIX GROANS)

What's the time?

Probably looking for me.

Yeah, I'm supposed to get back to the art space

for when the facilities team arrives at 3:30.

Oh, well, be... Shouldn't you just get back there, then?

Oh, no, no. In a second.

This is more important.

Have you ever been bouldering?

You know?

(DARKLY WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

Ivan, pull your pants up!

I-I think they're stuck.

-(PHONE CHIMES) -ELISE: Ooh!

IVAN: Oh! Oh.

-Ivan, we need to hurry. -Just...

..maybe if I try to go back up again.

ELISE: OK.

IVAN: Oh! Ooh!

Oh, my God, Ivan!

(THUD!)

DEBBIE: Barb! Oh, my God, there you are!

-I'm so sorry, girls. -Rory's about to do the kick.

-Come on! -I'm so, so sorry.

I'm just in the middle of something.

What is more important than this, babe?

(SIGHS) OK, I know I need to be there for Rory.

No, no, this is bigger than Rory, Babz, OK?

Scott's gone.

So they need a new Buck and Doe

and we've heard that it's between you and Rory and...

And me and Stretch.

JESS: Which is, like, absolutely heartbreaking

'cause I could never choose between the both of you.

The Doe?

-I just... -Hey, Barb!

-Got your coffee! -DEBBIE: What the actual, B?

BARBARA: Oh, my God, it's so embarrassing.

-He won't take a hint. -JESS: It's fine.

-Yeah, come on, let's go! -We get it.

-Hey, girls. -Hi, Professor.

-Oh, my God, what is happening? -Ew!

(ELISE BREATHES HEAVILY) OK.

IVAN: If I was to build you out of clay...

I don't want to know about it.

..I'd make you a half-mouse, half-wolf.

Because on the outside you look pathetic.

Dude, this isn't helping.

IVAN: But on the inside, you are strong, like a wolf.

ELISE: Oh, I got it. (PANTS)

IVAN: There you go. There you go, you got it!

-(MEMORY CARD DROPS) -ELISE: Oh! Oh, no!

I dropped it.

-IVAN: Oh! -(PHOENIX SPEAKS OUTSIDE)

-Ivan, we need to go. -IVAN: Oh, no.

OK, get me out of this. A little harder.

-(FABRIC RIPS) -Arggh!

-ELISE: Get the card. -IVAN: Where is it?

-I can't see it. -ELISE: OK.

IVAN: OK, I'll take the ladder.

PHOENIX: Bit up in arms about...

(INTENSE MUSIC)

(PHOENIX CONTINUES TALKING)

Can I have a little bit of space?

Oh, sorry.

PHOENIX: ..tell them, and they keep doing it.

BARBARA: No!

I just mean, why don't we show these guys

the storage room for a minute?

The facilities are so amazing.

(DOG WHINES)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(PHOENIX CONTINUES TALKING)

PHOENIX: ..whatever the model inspires is the right choice.

-BARBARA: That is so right. -(DOG WHINES AND PANTS)

BARBARA: I think you should look...

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(PHOENIX AND BARBARA CONTINUE TALKING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

OFFICER JACOBS: What the hell? Is that a dog?

PHOENIX: Oh, I have no idea what it's doing in here.

You did it, wolf-mouse!

I became the alpha.

PHOENIX: ..as a kind of a little quick fix,

which was quite cool, because it meant that we could...

(PHONE CHIMES)

..keep the class...

BARBARA: I should probably head off too. 'Bye!

-OK. -IVAN: Hey.

(WHISPERS) If you have time, I'd love to walk you through

some animal mash-ups I've been working on.

(WHISPERS) I have to go.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

ELISE: Do you reckon the blackmailer

thinks we did the art, or the murder too?

-Hmm. -Either way, I'm ready.

-(MAKES COMBAT SOUNDS) -OK. OK.

No, I feel amazing.

My gagging's stopped.

I guess when you master your alpha,

you master your body.

Calm down, Vin Diesel, OK?

We need this sorted stat.

I need to get to Rory's memorial kick.

Why?

I need to be there if I'm going to be the Doe.

What's that?

It makes me the leader of my college.

It's basically the reason for my existence.

SHEPHERD: Uh, team's still trawling through the CCTV,

but half of the cameras don't even have a backup card.

ROACH: Bugger.

How many buttons can a kid eat

before you start to worry?

What?

Well, my kid found a way into my wife's cardigan.

-It's really colourful... -Forensics came back?

ROACH: Yeah.

So, um, Scott's death

came through the, uh, head wound,

and, um, the body was placed, uh, at the quad

12 hours after the killing.

Any evidence that Prue was there?

ROACH: Not at this stage.

Great. So we can let her go.

No, I think that we keep her for as long as we're allowed, right?

Just in case.

Oh, and there was a size 11, uh...

..men's footprint right next to the body.

So we could be looking at a male killer?

I mean, maybe, but it seems unlikely,

considering the artwork.

I mean, it's probably post-contamination.

Uh-huh.

Hey, um, I've been seeing a female student

on campus.

(HELICOPTER WHIRRS NEARBY)

I don't have much,

but I do have a strong gut feeling...

Nah, let's just wait until we see the rest of the CCTV, OK?

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

Listen...the McKinnon case.

Yes.

The reason you're famous.

Yeah, I was watching some old interviews with you,

and...you seem pretty different now.

Thank you.

I just feel like maybe you used to be

someone who would trust a gut feeling.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

BARBARA: You go first,

because let's assume they don't know you're involved.

OK.

Yeah, scope out the space,

text me if it's not safe,

and be ready to call the cops

if things go bad.

Copy that. Let's use these.

(DEVICE BLEEPS)

Can we text on them,

or do we just need to announce our intentions

to everyone around us?

ELISE: I'll go first.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

What the fuck?!

Ohhh!

There's no-one in here.

What kind of blackmailer

makes an appointment and doesn't keep it?

(DRUM ROLL)

Barbara.

Now's not a good time, Jenny.

Why did you take down my crochet garden post?

Seriously? Fuck off, Jenny, OK?

We're in the middle of some main character shit right now.

-ELISE: Hey, Barbara. -What?

I think it's Jenny.

JENNY: You took down my crochet garden post!

I saw it gone when I woke up.

You think you can get away with it?

Now I'm going to tell the world the truth.

What truth, Jenny?

That you lent us some stockings?

Are you sure the crochet community

is ready for such a huge revelation?

JENNY: I came into the bathroom.

One of you wasn't wearing pants.

Then I sent her a ransom letter,

and both of you turn up.

Which means...

JENNY: A secret love affair

between a Dutch exchange student

and an influencer who is pretending to be straight,

therefore cheating on her jock love boy.

I'm British!

Making love in a toilet.

Putting red dots all over their clothes.

Classic lesbians.

Jenny, what do you think a lesbian is?

Can you just... Just give us a second.

She has all the evidence they need to convict us.

But still she has no idea what she's talking about.

OK, but what's worse, Elise?

Someone smart who we can reason with

or a total fucking wildcard?

I'm not putting her dumb shit on my feed again.

Don't worry.

I've got this.

These are my demands.

One post a fortnight about the benefit of crochet...

Jenny, two things are gonna happen.

The first, Barbara and I are going to come out

and tell everyone that we're in a committed relationship.

-We are? -We are.

And you'll be cancelled for life for queer-shaming us

and the entire internet will boycott your flowers.

Ohh! Oh!

And the second is this.

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

Ohh! Ohh!

Scary! (PANTS)

Sorry, I just learnt about being a dog alpha.

They're...they're going to deport me!

I don't like crochet flowers either,

but I can't afford the yarn.

When I left my province, the agent was fraudulent.

I thought the money I gave him was for my tuition.

-But he took it all. -Oh, no.

JENNY: And now I can't afford to be here.

Selling my garden is my only income.

I'm desperate.

But please, don't cancel me.

I'll leave your love alone.

(WISTFUL MUSIC)

Oh.

Type in your bank details.

Oh.

Why did you do that?

She said she was gonna leave us alone.

Anyway, I guess we did it.

Camera evidence gone, blackmailer nullified.

Life feels pretty normal again.

OK, what if Prue tells the cops she saw us that night?

When is Jenny gonna figure out what those red splotches mean?

I mean, really, anyone could have seen us that night.

(CROWD CHATTERS EXCITEDLY)

-But I thought you said... -No, you were right.

You were right, OK? This is just gonna keep coming at us.

There's only one way to get our lives back.

(SOUND OF BALL BEING KICKED)

(CROWD REACTS)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

MAN: All good, Rory. Walk it off, dude.

-Shit! -MAN: Do it for Scotty, Rory!

(SIREN WAILS)

(TURBULENT STRING MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

OFFICER: Right, move on.

WOMAN: Hey, stop touching me.

OFFICER: No, you can't...

WOMAN: Excuse me, I have a right.

That could be my friend. Can you stop it?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

(TURBULENT MUSIC CONTINUES)

OFFICER: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Get back, get back.

-(SIREN WAILS) -Get back. Stay back, alright?

-JARED: He was my best friend. -(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

We need to find this psycho.

We need to take her to jail and get our fucking lives back.

(TURBULENT STRING MUSIC WITH HAUNTING VOCALISATIONS)

(DEVICE TRILLS AND BLEEPS)

(DARK MUSIC)

(DARKLY WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

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