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Ladies and gentlemen, get loud.

Make some noise for the hilarious

Abhay Nadkarni!

What's up, everyone?

Thank you for coming to the show.

Yeah.

I'm just happy to see you all in person

because anytime there's a group of people indoors,

I'm always very grateful.

Because for the longest time,

I was running a bunch of outdoor comedy shows,

and they all sucked.

Because it's very stressful to put those shows together.

Like, you have to get a venue, you have to get electricity,

you have to get propane tanks for heat.

At one point, I was driving around

with six propane tanks in my Honda CR-V,

looking like this.

Just hoping I don't get pulled over,

because there's gonna be many questions.

Like, "What are you doing with six propane tanks?"

"It's for a comedy show."

"Where is it happening?"

"It's a secret location."

"Why is it a secret location?"

"We want to pack in as many people as possible."

Maximize our impact, you know.

"We ran Facebook ads for this campaign."

It doesn't help that I look this way.

I grew this beard to find out who my real friends are.

Because people's comments change every week

when you grow facial hair as a brown guy.

The first week, they're very excited.

And they're like, "I like this stubble look. Very nice."

And then two weeks in, "I like this rugged look. Looking zaddy."

And then three months into it, they're like,

"Uh, whose side are you on?

"Are you with us or against us?

"What is your plan?"

It's like, "I don't know. I'm driving around

"with six propane tanks in my car.

"Anything could happen."

They say beards make you look suspicious.

I think it's complete bullshit.

I think beards keep you honest.

Because this is a walking forensic lab.

Beard trap all kinds of smells.

People, if you think your man is cheating on you,

make him grow a beard.

Then you can sniff his chin for evidence.

I did this joke a few weeks ago, this woman got very offended.

She's like, "My husband can't grow a beard."

And I was like, "Yeah, he's cheating on you."

Grow a beard, fix your life, you know.

That's my motto.

But whatever you do, make sure that

if you do grow a beard,

if you go to a barber, make sure that he has a mustache

that is not skinnier than yours.

Because in my case, I had a barber that,

you know, had a skinnier mustache than mine.

I went to this guy, and then he shaved on my mustache

and made me look like El Chapo's bodyguard.

I was like, "This is awful.

"You gotta take care of that."

They don't talk about man grooming

when you grow up in an Indian household

because, you know, that's not our forte.

Like, I had a unibrow till I was 24.

And one of my friends pulled me aside and told me,

"Listen, man, you need to take care of that

"if you want to get some action."

Got rid of it. Next thing I know,

I was hooking up with a co-worker.

And I was like, "Wow, that's the power of two eyebrows.

"Incredible."

This isn't a good look for the ocean, though.

I'm a choking hazard for sharks because...

...if a shark bites off my head, they'd be like,

"This is bad for the environment.

"Indian men and plastic bottles

"should be away from the shoreline."

I'm just happy you're all here, guys, this is great.

Thank you for coming.

Because, you know, I...

I've been here for 18 years, 18 years in America.

Uh, I... Thank you.

Um...

Thank you for letting me stay. Um...

But I do have some notes.

You know, getting into America is very difficult

if you're from India.

You know, getting into America is like

getting into the best strip club.

Because there's long lines of people waiting to get in.

And once you're inside, you're like,

"Wow, this place is a fucking rip-off.

"But I'm going to stay as long as I can.

"I want to see what happens to my bank accounts."

I once went to a strip club with a lesbian comedian,

and I was exposed to a whole level of catcalling

that I haven't heard before,

and she was very aggressive with all the performers.

We were eventually kicked out

because she showed signs of toxic masculinity.

I was just there for the buffet.

But it takes time to get adjusted to life here

because, you know, they don't tell you

about the crazy side of this country

when you move here.

I used to live in Downtown Los Angeles.

I came here for grad school.

And they don't tell you about the gangs of Los Angeles

in the "Come to America" brochure.

You know, there's the Crips and the Bloods, right?

The Crips wear blue, the Bloods wear red.

I was very naive. I thought they were Democrats and Republicans.

They were taking the politics a little too seriously

outside a Taco Bell at 2:00 a.m.

And slowly, things didn't make sense.

"Why are these Democrats carrying guns?

"And why are there so many black people that are Republican?

"This is...

"This is very confusing."

And me, like an idiot, I go up to them,

I was like, "Hey, guys, don't fight.

"Go vote."

I was robbed. Um...

I went back home thinking,

"These politicians are all the same."

But I didn't lose much money

because I gave them Indian currency, you know.

Indian currency has the face of Gandhi on it.

So somewhere in the gangs of Los Angeles,

someone's making eye contact with Gandhi right there.

You have to adjust to the gun culture here

because we don't have a lot of guns in India.

Like, the rank-and-file cops in India,

they don't have guns.

They just carry sticks that they beat people up with.

It's not even a baton.

It's just a branch they tore off a tree.

And then I moved here and found out that

one of my roommates had a gun,

and he told me after he signed the lease.

And I was like, "Oh, no, I should have brought more sticks.

"I should have come prepared for this situation."

He moves in, and then a few weeks go by,

and then I find out he's got a peanut allergy.

I was like, "Aha."

I kept leaving peanuts all over the living room.

And he was like, "What the fuck is this?

I was like, "This is self-defense."

He's dead now. Um...

But yeah, it takes time to get adjusted to life here.

Because, you know, like,

this whole ghosting phenomena is very foreign to me.

You know, like, in my family, if you don't respond

to a text message within a day, we assume the worst.

We assume that you're either kidnapped or you're dead.

Okay? It's very extreme.

I took that same thinking here and I go out on dates,

and these women wouldn't respond for second dates.

And I was like, "Damn, this country is so unsafe."

It's like all these women keep disappearing.

Every day it seems like a Law & Order episode.

And I bumped into one of them a few weeks ago.

I was like, "I thought you were dead."

And she was like, "Please leave me alone."

Because I'm a direct person. I say what's on my mind.

I don't like passive-aggressive behavior.

Like, my neighbors keep leaving these Post-it notes

outside my apartment.

One of my neighbors left a note saying,

"Apartment 1, keep it down. "Signed, apartment 4."

And the whole note was in all caps.

So I replied, "Hey, guys, thanks.

"But why are you yelling?"

And they replied, "Don't be a dick.

"Signed, apartment 4."

And then I took that note and put it on apartment 3...

...which is where my landlord lives, so, uh...

Apartment 4 is now vacant, guys. You can...

You can move in.

But this is cool, man.

I've been in San Francisco for 12 years.

I like living in this city, man. It's great.

But you need to really prepare people

to come to San Francisco,

especially if those people happen to be

your conservative relatives visiting you from India

during the Pride Parade.

Because they don't know what to expect, right?

We saw a guy dragging another guy on a leash.

They're wearing crotchless leather pants.

And my uncle just goes, "Hmm.

"The weather's nice today."

It's like, the weather is always good here, man.

There's too much waste in San Francisco, man.

There's, like, all these self-driving cars,

and it's very annoying.

Because they drive really slowly,

and I get really frustrated, because I grew up in India.

That's how... We just like overtaking people.

That's just how we drive.

I got so frustrated with this self-driving car

because it was driving so slowly,

and I yelled at a self-driving car.

And then I saw my reflection,

I was like, "Oh, no, I'm the problem."

Yelling at a self-driving car is like yelling at your thoughts, you know.

It doesn't make any sense.

AI is going to take away all the jobs.

That's what they're saying, right?

AI is going to take away all the jobs.

But the one job AI can never take away

is the job of a stand-up comedian.

Because AI has more self-respect.

You'll never see AI doing that.

Been here for a while.

And here's the thing about San Francisco that I do like

is I like exploring the Tenderloin.

Yeah, it's the only neighborhood in San Francisco

where you have to jaywalk to feel safe.

I was like, "I'm gonna cross the street

"and take my chances with oncoming traffic...

"...because that seems like a safer option."

But people here in San Francisco are very friendly.

They're very, like, open-minded and, you know...

I was walking down the street to the show,

and this guy yelled at me,

"Oh, look, Brown Jesus."

And I was like, "Oh, you mean Jesus?"

And then I told him the rapture is coming.

And that's how you deal with a Jehovah's Witness.

I grew up Hindu, by the way. I grew up Hindu,

and I'm an atheist now,

so that means I'm very confused...

...is what my lawyer told me to say because...

Because he's an agnost. He doesn't give a crap.

Yeah, I've changed a lot after moving here, man.

I've been in California for so long

that my whole outlook in life has changed.

I've become very progressive after living here for this long,

but it backfires very quickly when I travel back to India.

Like, the last time I went to India,

I realized I've become so progressive

that Indian swear words now have no effect on me.

I was driving in India, I cut someone off in traffic,

and the guy yelled at me in Hindi,

"Behen ke lauda,"

which translates to "sister's dick."

And I was like, "That is so progressive.

"This rickshaw guy is an activist.

"We need to celebrate his cause."

Or their cause. I don't know. It's...

You have to get people's pronouns right. That's, uh...

That's a first-world problem you've to adjust to.

Because we don't have such issues in India.

We've got bigger fish to fry, you know.

Like, uh, electricity.

India is amazing. If you haven't been there, you must go,

because technology is used so well over there.

Like, Uber works very differently in India

because the drivers have a lot of confidence

that they can beat the GPS.

It was going to take us an hour and 45 minutes

to get to the airport,

but the driver of the cab said,

"Don't worry, sir, we'll get there in 10 minutes."

I was like, "How can you beat Google, man?"

The guy shuts off the GPS, goes off the divider

onto the other side of the road...

...drives against traffic,

and we made it in seven minutes.

I got to the airport and found out

that my flight was delayed by seven hours.

Google rigged the system, man.

Got back into San Francisco

and found out that my car got broken into...

because I'm a local, you know.

My car got broken into,

and the guy stole a bunch of books.

Yeah. I was like, "Who is this thief...

"...that's a voracious reader?"

And one of the books that was stolen

was The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Because I guess self-improvement applies to all professions.

I think this guy is getting a false sense of confidence.

He's just reading this book, going,

"Hmm. Seven habits of highly effective people.

"First habit: be proactive.

"Be proactive? I just stole this book.

"That's pretty proactive."

"Second habit: communicate, collaborate, teamwork.

"Teamwork? I already have a gang.

"Third habit..."

Hey, sorry, guys. That joke is not complete

because I still haven't finished the book.

It's...

It's a work in progress, you know.

Because I'm a lazy person, you know.

Any lazy people in the audience? Make some noise.

The rest of you not clapping, also lazy. You're part...

You're not better than us.

They say evolution is the survival of the fittest, right?

I think it's bullshit.

I think evolution is the survival of the chillest.

Because at some point in time,

there must have been a lazy hunter

who couldn't keep up with the fit hunters,

and he stayed back in the cave and fucked all the gatherers.

And here we are today, guys, that is...

...Evolution 101.

I told this to a friend of mine.

He's like, "Did you do any research on this?

I was like, "I was too lazy to do the research...

"...thereby proving my point, you know."

I don't like my phone because it gives me

a lot of useless information.

I found out that I gained a bunch of weight

because my face ID on my phone stopped working.

I was like, "That's a subtle fat-shame filter, Apple."

I asked my friend at Apple, "What's the deal?"

He's like, "Man, it's not the beard.

"Your face is blubber. Hit the gym," you know.

So I got this smartwatch.

Highly recommend getting a smartwatch

because it tracks your steps, also tracks your sleep,

and it gives you points for both.

I've been using this for the last few months, and it turns out,

I've been sleeping more than I've been walking.

And Apple's like, "You're crushing it."

I was like, "Thanks, Apple. You're such a good workout buddy."

Because sleep, food and sex, that's the trifecta of pleasure.

I think sleep wins over food and sex

because it's free.

Food and sex, so expensive.

And when you have good food or good sex,

you get better sleep, so sleep always wins.

I told this to a friend of mine.

He's like, "Hey, man, I think you might be depressed."

I was like, "You're just jealous because you don't sleep well.

"Figure it out, man."

Every year, at the beginning of the year,

I buy clothes that are one size smaller

to motivate myself to go to the gym.

And at the end of the year, I check my progress

and donate all those clothes because...

...getting a tax benefit feels so much better

than a runner's high, you know.

It's the exact same feeling.

Losing weight is really difficult.

Like, losing weight is like starting a fight

between muscle and fat.

Because muscle's like a rebel and fat's like the Mafia.

Because it's impossible to get rid of

and it always ends up winning the battle, right?

I think if muscles could talk, they'd sound like

that British action hero, Jason Statham.

Any time there's a showdown between muscle and fat,

muscles would just be like,

"I thought I saw you yesterday...

"...and I thought I told you to piss off.

"I'm gonna count to three,

and if you're not burnt up by that time,

"there's gonna be a lot of pain.

"One, two, three."

And that's when I get a cramp.

And that's when I give up.

I've been trying to get fit, though.

I've been trying to get fit.

And I went to my doctor to get an MRI scan,

and here's the thing.

It took five months for my doctor to tell me

that I don't qualify for an MRI scan.

I was like, "Screw this, I'm just gonna

fly back to India, get the scan there."

You can get an MRI scan in India for 90 bucks,

no questions asked. All right?

I get the scan, show it to my doctor over here.

He's like, "Whoa, that's impressive.

"Maybe I should go to India for my medical checkups."

I was so kicked about this workaround, right?

And then three days later, I find out

the MRI scan was someone else's.

Apparently, I have the lumbar of a 12-year-old boy.

And somewhere in India is a kid running around

with an MRI of a comedian in San Francisco...

...with a prolapsed disk, you know.

I've reached that age in life now

where my back has an HR department, you know.

It tells me what I can and cannot do, you know.

It's almost like I have to go through

harassment training to not harass my sciatica.

After moving here, I found out that I have ADHD.

I was diagnosed for ADHD.

Because they don't diagnose ADHD in India.

They just call you a dumbass.

Because when you tell people you have ADHD in India,

they're like, "Oh, just try and concentrate, figure it out."

So they don't diagnose you for that.

When I was growing up, they didn't have that, you know.

And then I moved here, got on Adderall, and I was like,

"Wow, what a great country."

That should be America's slogan. "Take drugs, feel smart."

I got on Adderall, and here's what happens, right?

Adderall makes you so efficient.

But in my case, it makes me efficient

in useless activities.

Like, I became a productivity guru for laundry.

You know, I... I became the Einstein of folding clothes.

And I was on Adderall for a few months,

and I lost so much weight.

I felt really good.

I was like, "Oh, what a great drug."

But the problem is it doesn't help you

organize your life.

It doesn't make you figure out what's important, right?

So I would color code my socks,

and every time, I would miss my flight.

"This is not useful," you know.

I would clean up my house,

but almost burn down the house, you know.

Because the gas is on.

I got so productive, at one point,

I finished Netflix, you know.

I saw all the productivity documentaries.

I saw a documentary about Marie Kondo,

where she teaches people how to be clean

and stay clean, right?

And, you know, what she does is she goes to people's closets,

cleans out the closet and hugs their old clothing

and gives it away.

And I was like, "That's some psycho shit."

Like, if you saw somebody in your closet

hugging your old clothes, you'd be like,

"That is Ted Bundy."

Marie Kondo looks like

the lady from The Ring just got a makeover.

She's crawling around people's homes

like a Roomba on meth...

...just eating dirty socks every day.

I don't like Marie Kondo, man. She's a psycho.

Don't trust people that always walk in straight lines.

That's my motto in life.

She's like, always like this, you know.

So then what happened was, because of Adderall...

There's a lot of side effects of Adderall.

You start getting angry for no reason at all, right?

I was like, "I'm not a very angry person.

"I'm just going to switch to weed."

Yeah.

Highly recommend weed

because it cancels the effect of Adderall,

and you just feel normal again, right?

Yeah, I feel like they should legalize weed everywhere.

Not just in California.

You know, like, they should give weed to kids.

Because they're giving them Adderall, you know.

They might as well give them weed

so that they feel normal again.

They should give weed to politicians.

- Yeah. Yes. - Yeah.

You know, because it'll make them high,

they'll eat a bunch of munchies and they'll go to bed.

Nobody started a war with a belly full of munchies.

It would be great if Trump just started getting weed.

Every time, he's just going to be like...

"This indica is fantastic.

"Kamala Harris is a wonderful human being.

"We're just gonna chill and chill out.

"We're just gonna chill."

It'd be great.

He just starts speaking Spanish to get more votes.

Like, every rally, he'd just be like,

"Como estas, mi amigos.

"Bienvenidos, mucho gusto.

"Gusto is a good friend of mine."

Yeah, folks, you just heard an Indian guy

do a Trump impression while high, in Spanish.

I'm living the American dream, you know.

Because I did that joke in Canada,

and they were like, "Hey, go back to where you came from."

So, after I stopped taking weed,

I, uh...

tried psychedelics.

By mistake.

Because you need to travel to get perspective

You know, like, I went to Machu Picchu for hiking,

and along the hike, someone was like,

"Do you want to try Peruvian chai?"

And I was like, "Yeah, sure, let's try Peruvian chai."

And they forgot to tell me that it was ayahuasca.

It's a psychedelic drug with DMT.

You see all kinds of weird stuff.

And if you've never been on ayahuasca,

it unravels your subconscious,

you start seeing a lot of stuff,

and you have a lot of revelations

when you have ayahuasca.

In my case, I had the revelation,

after having ayahuasca,

that you can poop and barf at the same time.

And I was like, "Oh, everything is connected."

So try ayahuasca at your own risk.

You should travel, man. You should travel to get perspective.

I, um...

I went to Thailand recently for a friend's wedding.

And Thailand's one of the few Asian countries

to have never been invaded by the British.

Because they had an agreement with the British, saying,

"Hey, don't invade us

"and we'll give you guys hand jobs for life, so..."

Those massage therapists are not sex workers.

They're freedom fighters.

Give them the respect they deserve.

The British, man...

Sneaky motherfuckers.

I took one of my British friends to this Indian restaurant.

He goes, "Sorry, not a huge fan

of this whole spicy food business.

"I prefer sandwiches. Mmm."

And I was like, "Hey, man, a long time ago,

"a bunch of your people killed a bunch of my people

"for bags of chilies.

"So we're gonna have this fucking food.

"And you're gonna pay for the bill.

"Your diarrhea is a small price to pay...

"...for colonialism."

Because Indian food is the BDSM version of food, you know.

It looks very messy at first,

but when you get into it, it's very enjoyable.

We have safe words like "More water."

I used to live in the Middle East.

I used to live in Qatar.

And I don't tell people that for obvious reasons.

I have a lot of Pakistani friends,

growing up in Qatar.

And when you go back to India, there's always...

There's always this rivalry that shows up

when you're back in India,

and it's hard for me to adjust to that level of animosity.

So, you know, here's what happens.

Like, when you're an Indian citizen,

and you meet a Pakistani citizen here in America,

we just get together and start restaurants.

And we have to work with Mexicans

to keep the peace.

Because our differences dissolve the distance.

You know, like, that's what happens.

Like, for example, America and Russia

don't get along on planet Earth, but for some reason,

they're always hanging out in the International Space Station.

Because I guess, when you're in a confined space

with limited air, people just get along.

It might not look like it, but I am a programmer by race, okay?

Didn't have much of a choice.

Because peer pressure works differently

when you grow up in India.

Like, in most countries, peer pressure

makes you drink alcohol or take drugs at a young age.

In India, you just become an engineer...

...with a drug and alcohol problem.

I used to program vibrators for a living.

You're welcome.

Kept a lot of people together in their relationships.

Worked on something called the Rabbit.

It was featured on Sex and the City.

That's my only TV credit.

Worked on something that has multiple arousal levels.

You can't put that on your resume.

People will cancel you immediately.

One of my friends was like, "Oh, you worked on vibrators.

"That's not a very Indian thing to do."

I was like, "Hey, man, I've given people more orgasms remotely

"than in person.

"That's pretty Indian."

But I had to explain what I was doing to my folks in India.

I was like, "Well, I'm spreading joy. Yes.

"That's what I'm doing."

I like watching documentaries that have Indian people in it

because I want to see how we're being represented

in mainstream media.

So I saw this documentary called Bikram Yoga.

Have you guys seen this?

It's not flattering.

It's about a creepy yoga instructor.

Here's a tip, guys.

If your yoga instructor is always wearing Speedos...

...he's gonna show you his third eye.

Do your research, please, you know.

Figure it out.

I like watching reality TV shows.

I saw the show calledNaked and Afraid.

Have you guys seen this?

If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend skipping it

because...

The premise of the show is that there are

these two people that are naked in the jungle

and are trying to survive in the wild.

I was like, "This is a bullshit show.

"I'm not going to go to the jungle anytime soon.

"I need more practical advice.

"I need to know how to survive a hate crime in the city.

"I need to know how to be fully clothed and still alive."

I want to watch a show calledVery Brown and Very Safe.

Like, that is...

...the kind of show I want to watch.

But the production value is very low.

No one is making that show.

Any single people in the audience? Make some noise.

Single people here?

What about couples? Couples, make some noise.

What about married people? Married people, make some noise. Yeah.

All right, cool.

Oh, one married guy came alone. That's good.

That's what it does to you, man. This is good.

I'm actually recently single,

but my ex-girlfriend still keeps in touch with me

by dating my friends.

It's an amicable breakup.

All my friends are married,

and they keep inviting me to these house parties.

And I realize very quickly that I have nothing in common to share with them

because they've got real problems.

Like, single people problems are very trivial

in comparison, right?

They were complaining, "It's so expensive to live in the Bay Area.

"Can't buy a house here.

"Can't send our kids to a good school district.

"What are we gonna do?"

And I was like, "Hey, guys, I think we've got bigger problems.

"The chips at this party are stale.

"The beer is warm and where's the fucking weed?"

And they were like, "This is a baby shower.

"What is wrong with you, man? Get your life together."

Being single in your 30s is the best time of your life

because you can hook up with someone in their 40s

or their 20s, and no one cares.

Right? If you're in your 20s

and you hook up with someone in their 40s,

you've probably got a drinking problem.

And if you're in your 40s, and you hook up with someone in their 20s,

you're in a midlife crisis...

...that is going very well.

That is...

...an excellent midlife crisis, man.

Anyone in a midlife crisis here, make some noise?

All right.

One self-aware individual. This is good.

I think I'm in a midlife crisis

because I'm getting a bunch of white chest hair.

That's gentrification.

Because it's displacing a bunch of black hair on my back.

I was like, "This is not right."

One of my friends is in a midlife crisis,

and we found out that he got into a threesome,

and we were super happy for him.

And then he showed us the people he hooked up with,

and we're like, "Are you okay?"

Because my friend's a strong five,

but he hooked up with a three and a one.

I was like, "Bro,

"your collective score is less than 10."

You can't call it a threesome if it's less than two digits.

It is wedding season, though. It's wedding season.

Right? Anyone getting married soon?

One person. Yeah.

Who are you getting married to?

While he's sitting in the back.

Preparing already. This is...

They say marriage is an institution.

But an institution is like a place of learning.

Like university or college, right?

If they had a university of marriage

where they taught people how to be married

and stay married,

no one would go there.

You know, because the dropout rate would be, like, 60%.

There wouldn't be any dropout billionaires,

because even after you leave, you have to keep paying tuition.

When I do that joke, single people love it.

There's always that laugh.

Married people are thinking about it.

I, uh... I like going to weddings, man.

I went to a bunch of white weddings

to get a taste of the culture.

And I gotta say, it's pretty bland.

Once, I went to this one white wedding

where they had beer and pizza for dinner,

and I was like, "What kind of frat party is this?"

Like, "Where are the kebabs," you know.

What are you guys doing?

If you've never been to an Indian wedding, you must go.

An Indian wedding is amazing,

and the happiest people at an Indian wedding

are white women.

Notice how quiet it is in here.

White women love Indian weddings

because it's like Eat Pray Love

unraveling itself.

Every Indian wedding is a spectacle.

Because, you know, it's like a documentary you would see,

like Planet Earth, you know.

And I wish David Attenborough

could narrate that entire situation, right?

"We're here at an Indian wedding

"where people dance around like peacocks.

"It doesn't matter who they know or who they don't know,

"they dance around all the time.

"And in the distance lies a Caucasian female...

"...in the throes of ecstasy over a chicken tikka masala."

I love David Attenborough, man.

He talks about all thesePlanet Earth documentaries.

He gives you lot of useful information

for useless conversations, you know.

Like he was talking about the capybara, right?

"The capybara is the largest rodent on the planet.

"It's the size of a small German Shepherd."

I was like, "That rodent is a dog."

One of my friends was complaining

about his rodent problems, I'm like, "Hey, man,

"look on the bright side. It's not a capybara.

"That's the largest rodent on the planet.

"You just killed a baby mouse.

"You should continue staying here."

I had a rodent problem at home.

And here's what happened,

I ended up killing five rodents,

five rats that entered my house.

I felt very guilty killing all those rats,

and I decided to become

vegan for a month.

And a week in, I was like,

"I want to kill all vegans.

"I want to put them in a mousetrap

"where they can only escape by eating cheese."

So I've been trying to get fit. I've been trying to get fit.

We went... I went with some friends to go hiking.

And we went to the outdoors to explore the outdoors.

And we got so tired of the hike halfway through,

we're like, "Let's just go to an escape room."

Because that's how much we hate hiking.

If you've never been to an escape room,

it is the biggest Ponzi scheme in this country.

It's a prison guard side hustle.

The economy is so bad that Hannibal Lecter

has a 401K plan.

And that's trapping people for rent.

If you've never been to an escape room,

it's a place where people

pay to get trapped to solve a crime.

All right? In our case, we had to solve

a missing persons case

of a woman that went missing in the woods

on a hike.

And I was like, "Oh, shit, we should have gone on this hike."

We've missed some major clues, you know.

So, while we're in there, we had to solve a crime,

and, um, they...

They leave you in this room for an hour,

and you have to solve a crime.

I thought it was a real crime.

I thought this was a real person that's missing.

And after an hour, we found out

that it was a fake crime.

We had to solve a crime that didn't happen

to find a person that doesn't exist

in a room that used to be a RadioShack.

I felt like, "Oh, this is how crypto works."

I felt like I went to an ATM and put my card in,

and the ATM just laughed at me.

They should use escape rooms for more practical things.

They should have an escape room for conspiracy theorists.

You know, like, we should have an escape room

where we trap a bunch of flat-earth people

and fake-moon-landing people,

and make them assemble a telescope...

...to look directly into the sun.

That will show them the light.

Life is a series of escape rooms, if you think about it.

Because before you're born,

you're trapped in the womb, right?

That's a big escape room.

Then you're trapped in childhood.

That's a big escape room. For 18 years, right?

Then you transition to adulthood.

You're trapped in that.

And then you get married, and, uh...

We know what that's called.

That's a massive trap.

Then you have kids, they're just puzzles

that are pooping all the time.

You're trapped in a situation

where you have to figure that out.

And then you retire and end up in an old age home

where you hook up with people in a midlife crisis.

I need to find a new therapist. Um...

Because, uh...

I need to figure out my life, man.

My life has been weird, man.

I've had a weird life because I used to program vibrators,

I used to drive around with propane tanks in my car,

running outdoor comedy shows.

Like, my life is perfect for an Alex Jones conspiracy theory.

He would just start his conspiracy theory.

"These Indian people are coming in here,

"they're getting advanced degrees

in how to make dick vibrators.

"They're driving around with propane tanks,

"trying to have 'comedy shows'...

"...in underground basements in San Francisco.

"And he goes by the code name of Brown Jesus."

You guys have been amazing. Thank you so much.