Original subtitles

Who is she?

Get into the kitchen!

Adulterer!

You're a monster!

Swine!

Who is she?

Anna, I've told you never to bother me here at work!

Who is she?

We have been through all that! Get into the kitchen!

Why didn't you come home last night?

Leave me alone. I'm trying to work!

Is she prettier than me?

Is she prettier than you? I'm prettier than you!

- Lipstick on your shirt! - Well, nobody's perfect.

I know she's not the first!

I hate you! I hate you!

I've hated you from the moment I first married you!

You're grotesque!

Lascivious adulterer!

Don't you dare call me that again until I have looked it up!

Adulterer!

Lascivious adulterer!

Silence when you're shouting at me!

Lascivious adulterer.

Lasci..."Lascivious adulterer is a man that is a lascivious adulterer."

What kind of book is that?

You're a monster and a monster in that order!

Fritz plays around with a floozy!

Swine! Get out of my office!

Will you get...

I'll break every bone in your ox's body!

Vermin!

Do you realize I could slay you any moment I like

by using the great Bert's judo method?

Get out of here. We'll finish this later.

Don't be a bit surprised if I take the children and leave for good.

That great, rotten, stinking, horrible...

Rotten, rotten, rotten, big, fat, great, stinking...

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

Good afternoon.

Am I late?

No. As a matter of fact, you are just on time.

Come. Come.

Make yourself nice and comfortable. We will begin.

Women have always been a big problem to me, Dr. Fassbender.

- Are you listening, Doctor? - Yes, yes, yes. Go on. Go on. Go on.

The first woman I had a crush on was my school teacher,

Miss Marks.

Well, that's a perfectly normal occurrence.

Did you read the essay I wrote on my summer holidays?

Yes, I did.

I thought it was the most moving piece I'd ever read.

I hope you noticed that I dedicated it to you, Miss Marks.

Call me Tantaleia.

Michael, this can't work. I'm 34 and you're 12!

Don't be negative.

Michael.

Michael, what's to become of us?

And what did become?

She lost her license and I failed English.

Can I tell you what I once did in a Latvian brothel?

Later.

My second experience with a woman was no picnic either.

It was at high school.

What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?

Someone tell me what I did. What did I do?

Now, tell me what I did.

Jenny? Jenny, will you tell me what I did?

Jenny, will you tell me, please, what I did?

What am I supposed to have done? Please, tell me.

Tell me what I've done. What have I done?

No use looking like the day of judgment, unless you tell me what I've done.

What have I done? Someone tell me what I've done!

And did you do it?

Well, I was untutored in these matters.

But women have always overcome my basic shyness.

But you had a perfectly normal sexual life at college.

Normal? It was frightening.

I was captain of the debating team, you see.

And I was competing for the interscholastic championship

by debating a Miss Pringle

on the effects of socialized medicine on the structure of British economy.

- And what happened? - I convinced her.

Love is not to be found!

It's not to be taken!

It is to be given.

You may despise simple faith, but what is simple faith but healing?

Abandon notions of socialized medicine. What is socialized medicine?

Medicine does not belong to the Hypocritic Oath...

And when did all this come to an end?

It didn't come to an end. That's the point!

My job is a lecher's dream.

Feature editor for one of the biggest fashion magazines in Paris.

The receptionist is beautiful.

- Good morning, Mr. James. - Good morning.

The copywriters are beautiful.

The secretaries are beautiful.

Morning.

And the models...

What about the models?

Oh, my God.

- Good morning, Mr. James. - Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. James.

- Good morning, Mr. James. - Hello, Gladys.

Can you imagine what it feels like to be in close contact every day

with the world's most gorgeous women?

And what can I do?

I can't say no.

And why should I say no?

I love it, do you hear? I love every second of it.

That's how it's always been with me.

A little pleasure, a little pain,

but always back to the ladies.

So, what is your problem?

Carole.

I met her at a language school.

She wants to get married, and I'm afraid to commit myself.

- Do you love her? - Surely.

But you are afraid to marry her

because you are not yet ready to give up other women, yeah?

Quite right.

Then why don't you marry her and cheat?

That's exactly what I want to avoid. That's why I came to you.

I respect her too much to do anything like that.

I think that, with you, sex is a sport, yeah?

I love the... the smell of perfume

and the thrill of the chase and the moment of conquest.

I like thighs. Do you like thighs?

Look, I know you'll think this is crazy,

but when the light hits me in a certain direction, I'm handsome.

Listen, I'll see you next Friday. I've got a few phone calls to make.

I haven't finished. I've only been here 15 minutes.

I can't take more than 15 minutes of your sex life at one time.

Look, why don't you come to some of my group analysis meetings.

Maybe if there's some other people around, it's gonna be a lot easier for both of us.

Hello, Zsa-Zsa? This is Fritz!

How are you, my little flesh pudding? Hold on.

Listen, you'll like this group analysis. It's a real freak show.

If it gets dull, they sing songs.

Well, do you think it'll help?

I mean, I'll do anything to achieve Carole.

If it fails, we will try something else

because I use all kinds of unorthodox methods.

For example, I've had the greatest success shutting people in dark closets.

See you at the next meeting. Bring with you 500 francs.

Hello, my little laxative. This is baby Fritzy here.

He must be a genius.

Victor!

No, Victor!

Michael James, meet Tempest O'Brien.

How do you do?

She adores me.

He was cheating because I beat him last night.

We played strip chess.

She had me down to my shorts, and I fainted from tension.

I want a drink.

- Absinthe. - Coffee.

Mineral water.

How's Carole?

Did you find a job?

Yeah, I got something at the strip tease.

I help the girls dress and undress.

Nice job.

20 francs a week.

- Not very much. - It's all I can afford.

How's Carole?

It's funny, when the light hits you a certain way,

you're so handsome.

I was born in Boston city

- Michael? - Hello, pussycat.

Pussycat, I love you.

Thank you for another pot of flowers.

Shall I get dressed?

Or is it foreign-movie time?

Foreign-movie time.

Michael, you're a monster.

Me? I'm not a monster.

- Yes, you are. - I'm your nice, warm lover.

- What did you do today? - Nothing. I slept.

Do you know that people sleep away a third of their lives?

If a man lives to be 75, it means he sleeps for 25 years.

You know what it means to sleep for 25 years?

It means you wake up with a shocking headache.

Michael, I have to have a talk with you.

- What about? - Us.

- Us? - Yeah.

That's a very touchy topic because you get personal and start to hit.

There's no reason why two people can't discuss the subject of marriage

without turning it into a third world war!

We've discussed the subject of marriage a thousand times,

and you know my view. I'm a fascist.

Now, I have to go to my house and change.

But, pussycat, you live in the apartment upstairs.

I have to open your door,

I have to climb a flight of stairs,

I have to open my door, it all takes time.

Listen, my parents are coming to visit next week.

They want to know when we're getting married.

My mother writes me every week and asks the same questions.

Hemingway began as a journalist, and he broke away.

I want to get serious. Plan a real future.

I always hoped this job would be temporary.

All my friends are married. They seem happy.

I know there's a novel in me.

No one's ever that sure. It's time we made a decision.

Even if it's a bad novel, I've got to make a start.

If you're not sure about marriage now, you're never going to be sure.

The worst curse in the world is to be mediocre.

- You're not listening to me! - I am listening, indeed!

Now listen to me, pussycat.

Times are hard and I'm in a hurry.

I have an appointment.

If you can't be more definite about the future,

I think it's only fair that we stop seeing each other.

I'm not ready for marriage!

Then how can you say you love me?

Because I do.

It wouldn't be fair to marry you now. Do you see?

I've got a lot of wildness and fun to get out of my system.

When we marry, we give up fun.

You always have an excuse.

Pussycat. We're children, you and I.

Now's the time to live and experiment.

Marriage is for life. It's like cement.

But at that rate, it would drift on forever.

We had this conversation about six months ago,

and I don't see anything changed.

And when are you old enough to assume the responsibility of marriage?

At 25? 26? 28?

32? 65?

89? 90, 97?

- 103? - You're hysterical!

Every time I don't agree with you, I'm hysterical.

- Pussycat, pull yourself together. - No!

- Give me the keys. - No.

- Give me the keys. - No, take a cab.

I don't wish to take a key. I want my car cabs.

I need the keys, the car.

- You made up your horrid little mind? - Yes, I did.

All right, take the bloody car. I shall walk. It's better for the heart. Taxi!

All right, but don't... Don't say I didn't warn you.

Scotch.

Excuse me, but haven't you seen me somewhere before?

I know the name, but I can't remember the face.

- California some time. - Right.

Give my regards to what's-her-name.

Pussycat?

Mr. James!

What are you doing here?

I'm paid to come here.

- You're paid to come here? - My magazine, you see, has...

Yes, yes.

And what are you doing here?

What am I doing here...

I am here as a...

I'm here as a scientist, you know.

Just merely as a scientist.

Plumbing the depths of the soul.

Doing a bit of plumbing, yes?

Yes. Yes.

I was so interested, you know, in your case.

Intrigued me immensely those things that you told me

about what happened and all that.

I... Well, I freely admit it.

I decided to follow you here.

Then, if you followed me here,

how did you contrive to be here before me?

I followed you very fast.

Look, a point I've noticed scientifically,

is that stripping is not sexy.

No. Not in the slightest bit sexy.

Listen, I can speak with a certain authority on this because I...

I've seen this show a hundred times.

You've seen this show a hundred times?

Then admit it, Mr. James.

Admit that you come here merely searching for love.

I admit it.

Well, I'm glad you admitted it.

Otherwise, I'd have had to lock you in a dark closet, you naughty man.

That's beautiful.

Victor, give me a hand with my armor, will you, please?

That's for the back, you fool!

I'm sorry.

Did I hurt you?

Yes, I am. I'm going. Quick.

I have tickets Saturday night to a Lautrec exhibition.

Toulouse-Lautrec. One of my favorite small men.

- Where's my robe? - Lautrec is one of my favorite painters.

- This is the back. - I'm sorry.

I know you would appreciate Lautrec. He has a very sensitive line.

He used color very sparingly, but made his point with line.

- The helmet. - Yes, I am. Wait.

Victor, will you help me with my veil, please?

Saturday night I have tickets to a Lautrec exhibition.

Toulouse-Lautrec. He was a marvelous painter.

I'm busy Saturday night. Hurry up, yeah?

Do you like Lautrec at all?

You put it the wrong way around, dear.

- He was short, but fun. - Let me do it alone.

I'm sorry. We were all boys in my family.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Crazy Horse proudly presents

Mademoiselle Liz Bien.

Pussycat.

Here is the place where you're working?

I think there's something very exciting about a place like this after hours.

The empty seats, the smell of grease paint.

Victor, what is that?

I don't know. Nothing. Probably just a short.

What is it?

I don't know, but I don't wanna be here when it gets hungry.

Victor, I'm scared.

Don't panic. It may be nothing.

Or you can panic now.

Let's get out of here. Quick.

My wife, I'll kill her!

I'll kill my wife!

Pardon me, drunk, but you can't come in here.

She makes a fool of me. I'll kill her! I'll kill him!

Why don't you go home and sleep it off?

She cheats with him.

I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

- And who is he? - Everybody!

She cheats with everybody. I kill everybody!

I kill everybody.

Poor man.

Why does everyone have so much trouble with being in love, Victor?

It never seems to work.

You love me, and I love... I love Michael, and...

Victor. I'm so mixed up.

I feel marvelous

I feel...

I adore the way you dance.

And I adore the way you look tonight.

I've only got vodka.

Vodka? Vodka's fine. Fine.

When it comes to liquor, I'm a health nut myself.

I drink a lot of gin and wheat germ. A great deal of vodka and gluten.

- Please, don't. - Why not?

You came here to hear my poems.

I did? I did! Yes, surely. But...

You've been so affectionate, pussycat.

You're on my foot.

- I beg your pardon. - It's all right.

But I want to hear your poems.

All right, but behave.

Yeah, sure. I love erotic poems.

It's not erotic. It's political.

It is?

I wrote this at Hillside Hospital just after my fourth nervous breakdown.

Two, three, four...

"Who killed Charlie Parker?

"You did. You rat."

I dedicate this next poem...

It's been an interesting evening, but it's a little late for me now.

Please, don't go.

No?

I'm beginning to grow extremely fond of you.

I get attached to people very quickly.

I'm one of those women

who can experience things really deeply for the first time.

Well, I don't fall in love easily either.

I believe in adventure and experimentation

and no attachments.

I love that in a man.

Well, I'm a great one for marriage, though,

but I believe only after two people have lived together.

Intimacy before final involvement.

How true. How true.

Well, why are we reading all the poems?

Look, I know a poem, too.

"Had we but world enough, and time,

"this coyness, Lady, were no crime."

One more poem.

And you can do with me what you want.

- Victor, can I have a drink? - Sure. What would you like?

A triple scotch on the rocks. Sometimes a drink will loosen me up.

You've got something to eat?

Some... some Fig Newtons,

and some Hershey bars,

and some cough drops.

You got any tuna fish?

Tuna fish, tuna fish...

I have... I have some... Some salmon salad left.

What do you mean, "left"? When did you make it?

In April.

But if you smother it with pepper, it's fine.

What about an egg?

An egg, yes. Wait.

Yes, I have...

Boy...

You look... You look beautiful.

I'm beginning to feel warm already.

Thank you.

I need a cigarette.

I think there's something sexy about the way some men smoke cigarettes.

I just burnt my finger.

I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream.

I'll be out in a minute.

My finger!

Forgive me, I... I saw your lips standing there.

I don't take you into the bedroom.

I wait for you in bed.

Here I come, dear!

I'm all shaven.

Everything's off.

I'm here.

I'm up here.

Dear?

Fragrance.

Dear, are you okay? Is it... I'm gonna get into the bed now.

Dear! Come on, dear. Let's go.

Here I am.

What? Sweetheart?

Here...

Carole?

Are you asleep?

You're crumpled on the floor, right?

All right.

Good night!

Listen, we're strangers, fella. Take it easy.

Take... I was sitting there quietly and you jumped on...

How'd you like my poems?

I think they're very beautiful and quite moving.

Did you like the one about peaceful coexistence?

"Ode to a Pacifist Junkie"?

Yes. I thought it was very sexy.

Well, actually, the poem wasn't about sex at all.

It was a plea for better housing.

Now, look.

I've got a sexual block. It's a thing with me.

I don't wish to cause you any conflict.

No, no. You're perfectly right.

I must face up to the problem.

I can't go on the rest of my life being a semi-virgin.

What, in the name of all that's gracious, is a semi-virgin?

Here, I'm a virgin. In America, I'm not.

What do they do, stamp it on your passport?

Now, listen to me.

I feel faint. Would you excuse me for a minute?

I'm going into the bathroom to take an overdose of sleeping pills.

I like you.

You're a nice, stable girl.

She'll be all right. There's nothing to worry about.

I thought she was joking.

It was all poems, and "don't touch me." She's weird.

They're only Phenobarbital.

She only had a couple.

She came out of the bathroom, and she looked very odd.

And I gave her a little nibble. On the neck.

Like that, you see. And then she fell on the floor.

- A nibble? - A nibble.

How are you?

Sorry about that. I got panicky.

Mademoiselle Belmont will stay overnight if that's agreeable.

Surely.

Have a good-night pill.

Pussycat?

Carole?

Miss Werner?

Please, repeat after me.

"The pen is blue."

The pen is blue.

"I go. She goes.

"We go. They go."

I go. She goes. We go. They go.

Where were you last night? That's all I want to know!

Michael! Please, leave! I told you not to come visiting when I'm at work.

You didn't sleep in your room that's for sure!

Unless you're ready to get serious, it's none of your business where I sleep.

All right, we disagree on a point. Let's discuss it.

There is nothing to discuss!

There is nothing to discuss.

There is plenty to discuss!

There is plenty to discuss.

I am serious, and you are not. Don't feel obligated.

I love you, pussycat!

I love you, pussycat.

You've got a funny idea of love. How do you treat people you hate?

It's different for a girl.

It is not! It is not different!

If you can run around so can I!

- You love me! - You love me.

I am tired of waiting around. I've got my own life to live!

Yes? Yes? Okay.

You'll be sorry. You'll be sorry.

- Good-bye! - Good-bye.

- You'll see, you'll be sorry. - Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye!

Good-bye!

All right, sleep where you want! See if I care!

I sure as hell will!

I sure as hell will.

You bunch of parrots!

"Life is a strumpet stained with wine.

"Go to, I'll no more on't. It hath made me mad.

"I say we will have no more marriages!"

Isn't that Schiller?

Shakespeare.

That man there,

is the finest man that ever breathed.

- Who is? - He is.

He is? Who is he?

Who's he?

I'll soon show you who he is.

Hey! You must not strike me, you naughty boy.

You're my patient!

That's who you are!

And, anyway, I can lick any Freudian psychoanalyst that's in this house.

An analyst? I need help.

And for me, please.

Carole. Carole...

I love her. She's beautiful.

She wasn't at her apartment.

And I've tried everything you said, and it doesn't work.

- Liz. - Liz?

She's a stripper.

She's beautiful.

And she's here on a Bongo scholarship.

Why don't you introduce me to her?

I could be the man that sees no one touches her for you.

No, no. I need help.

Help.

Don't mention that word to me. Help.

That is what I need! Help!

God, how I need that drink.

Do you know that I'm in love with a patient?

I'm in love with a patient!

- You got a minute? - Surely.

Let me tell you my story.

Let me sit down.

Carole is like a rose petal.

So innocent.

Can I tell you what happened in my dream last night?

I shall sell matches on the street corner.

And I shall be the first to buy some from you.

Very civil.

Miss Lefebvre!

Every time she sees me she screams

because every time she sees me, I attack her!

No, you must not attack her.

You must woo her.

- Woo her? - Woo her.

In Vienna.

You must stand underneath her window.

And I shall pretend to be you.

And I shall pour your heart out.

You lovely man.

We shall halloo her name to the reverberant hills.

Lefebvre!

You are, without doubt, one of the finest men that ever breathed.

Who is?

I'll soon show you who is!

I'm spying the next one,

the third one up there. That one.

We must attract her attention.

Direct hit!

Who's there?

But, soft! What light from yonder window breaks?

My darling, your face is like the pale autumn moon.

You're joking!

- I am not joking. - I can't say that.

- Why can't you say that? - It's ghastly!

Did someone call me?

I did!

Your Apollo, God of the sun, is calling his aphrodisiac!

I'm going to be sick.

But who is there?

My darling, your face is like the pale autumn moon!

My face is what? Now, who are you?

Get out there and help me. I love that woman!

No wonder she thinks you're such a twit.

Who are you?

Not addressing you, sir. Would you kindly leave the étagère?

My darling, your face is like the pale autumn moon, your face.

Thank you!

What did you say my face was?

Your face is like the pale autumn moon. Are you deaf?

Don't speak to her like that, you rude man.

Give us the nice things.

What's going on there?

I think someone is saying your face is like the moon.

My face?

Not your face, you idiot.

The face on the lady what's in the top tower!

Will you shut up?

Come back to bed.

Listen. Whoever you are, you are dull, and I'm going in.

- She's going in. Quick! - We want to sleep!

It is against the law.

Will you please shut up? And go away!

- Go home! - And you, too, shut up!

You're making noise!

Everybody inside!

Trickle back to your truckle beds.

Everybody.

Give her something romantic.

Say romantic things to her.

Your name is like a bell that hangs in my heart!

May it ring!

And swing!

Lefebvre!

Miss Lefebvre! Miss Lefebvre!

It's me, baby Fritz, and I love you!

Police!

Help! Help!

Police! Go home!

And now, group,

whose emotional problems shall we discuss today?

- Mine! - Me, me, me.

No way! Mine, mine!

Me, me, me.

I've been coming here ten months,

and we haven't discussed my problem once yet.

Perhaps if you'd be kind enough to tell us what your problem is,

then we could all have a go at discussing it or something.

I can't. It's dirty.

Weren't we discussing last week Mr. Durrell's relationship with his father?

No. Actually, we were discussing

the dream about the train entering the tunnel.

Yeah. The train and the tunnel. That was a good one.

By the way, ladies and gentlemen,

we have with us today a new member of our group.

He's a young man who's got certain emotional problems.

All your life, you should have such problems as this young man has got.

He's the editor of a well-known fashion magazine.

I'm referring to none other than Mr. Michael James.

I haven't been sleeping very well, and I if I go without it,

I find that quite often I fall asleep.

Carole is my girlfriend.

She's part of the whole perishing thing.

She... lies... puts me on the bed. She... on the bed.

And sometimes she misses and I go under the bed.

But this is what we describe as a pot shot.

And it doesn't count.

Mr. Trills.

Control your knees immediately, or I will have them shaved within the hour!

Mr. Trills! Have you no shame?

Why do you keep attacking my new members in this way?

You great, fat Moby Dick.

- When it's springtime in Vienna. - Doctor!

Trills is a paranoiac. He sleeps with a light on in his room.

- Pansy. - Nail biter.

- Doctor, I prefer the sickness to the cure! - These are early days.

Didn't you say something nice about a dark closet?

Yes. Very good idea. I've got one over here.

Goody! Another free-for-all.

It's a raid! Run for your lives!

Miss Lefebvre, you look positively ravishing in that face.

Thank you, Herr Professor.

Group, listen.

I have some marvelous, fresh emotional experiences to tell you about.

You see, the other day...

He told me any time I had trouble controlling myself,

I should blow the whistle.

You have trouble controlling yourself?

Only with men.

I have an intense need to be loved by many men many times.

Really?

A little wine would you care for?

Yes.

You'd never know by your placid exterior that,

underneath that ice-cold facade,

beats the heart of a savage, lustful, passionate animal.

What will you have for breakfast tomorrow morning?

Orange juice, tea and toast.

I have to call someone and tell them I will not be home tonight.

The phone's down by the bed. Next to my prayer shawl.

- I'm sorry about the fight. - What?

- I decided you were right. - What, what, what, what?

- About some things. - What... what did you decide?

I'm moving in with you.

You're moving in with me?

Yes. What in the hell is the matter with you?

You're now moving in? You? In moving?

Yes. Yes. I am sick of wasting anymore time.

You're now moving in? Moving in, you. You've decided...

Yes. Darling, listen.

If we were maybe living together like husband and wife,

maybe you'd see it wasn't all horrible after all.

But it is. It's horrible.

- Michael! - Look, go downstairs, pussycat.

I'll join you in a little while, and we'll have a nice fight.

You don't want me here for a reason. You're covering up.

No. I want the moment to be right!

I want it to be a special occasion.

You said your mother and father are coming next week.

Do you want the four of us to celebrate us two living out of wedlock?

No, I don't think they'd appreciate it.

Let's discuss it later.

Something's wrong.

Some place.

Well! Look what's sleeping in your bed.

As a man's life goes down the drain,

you are there.

Dear! All this work I've got to do!

Wash the dishes, polish the furniture, do this, do that.

I say, I do earn my pay.

Here we go, cock.

Spotless we must be.

Pussycat, I can please explain.

Michael, I had to see you.

You haven't called me since that last fantastic night.

You hyperthyroid.

Carole! Look, I love you!

I love you, Carole! It's not what it seems.

I'm opening up a seminary!

Begging your pardon. I'm going to find the john.

There it is. Fine. Good.

Oh, my.

Another plea of no success.

Hello? Help? Succor. Emergency ward. Yes.

My name is Michael James. Je suis Michael James.

Well, she...

Just relax. That's fine.

Take it easy, now.

I'm sorry.

May I ask what is your relationship to this girl?

Are you her fiancé?

No. I'm just a friend.

It's a pretty rocky friendship you've got.

Pussycat?

Do you think that you could love a short man?

I mean, if he had very attractive red hair?

Victor, I adore you.

Collected Poems of Shelley? I always wanted to read...

Sorry. I saw Shelley first.

You did not! I saw it first!

Like hell you did. It's mine!

Victor, you're not going to let him take that book!

Actually, she did see the book first.

Beat it.

Victor, thrash him.

Come on. Go.

What is it? Go on!

I have a bad head cold.

Victor, you always said you'd go through hell for me.

Go on.

You see this guy's knuckles? They're huge!

You're not going to stand there and let that man insult your woman!

My woman? You're Michael's woman. In fact, why don't I get him now.

He could be here in five minutes.

If you have any hopes for ever winning me,

now is the moment to prove it. Go on. Get him. Go on.

Go on!

Come on, Victor!

Kick him! Kick him!

Give it!

- Give me this book. - No!

- Give me that book! - No.

Go on. Victor!

Get him. Go! Kick him now!

- Now you give me that book! - No! You are not a gentleman!

- I am a gentleman. - No, you are not.

Yes, I'm a gentleman.

Victor, show him! Kick him! Hit him!

You're so brave, I'm shocked.

Victor...

I must have Carole.

I need her, I love her,

she's the whole world to me, and she's mine.

The only way anyone can take her away from me,

is by killing me.

I've decided what I'm going to do.

I've been seeing the best psychoanalyst in Paris.

He's a genius.

And he wants me to go to his group analysis courses.

Well, I've been going.

I'm going to keep on going.

And I'm gonna fight!

And I'm going to win!

Because I love her!

A little central steam does one a world of good.

Must have physical health as well as mental health.

I'm kinky with steaming.

I was born in Boston city

Boys, a place you all know well

Are you well, Victor?

Brought up by honest parents

And the truth to you I'll tell

Brought up by honest parents

How do we get out of here?

Get away from the door!

I can't open it!

Then, Doctor, when I was 15 years old,

I had to tell my parents they were adopted.

We fought, I stopped coming home and moved out.

So you turned promiscuous?

Well! I love that in a woman. I love it, I love it.

You see, I can't help it. I'm a physical woman.

I feel guilty about it.

But I come from a family of acute nymphomaniacs

that includes my father and my two brothers.

Why don't we all take off our clothes. It's so modern.

For instance, Doctor.

What?

I find myself extremely attracted

to Mr. James.

And the fact that he's in love with someone else

excites me even more.

What is it that you see in him that you don't see in me?

I don't know.

But there is something about his face.

When the light hits him a certain way, he's almost handsome.

Look, you're very lovely.

But I've come here to get rid of problems, not to acquire them.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the handsomest of them all?

I am.

- No, I am. - I am!

- I am! - I am! Really!

Group, in Britain, we have a national therapy.

We call it cricket.

Unlike other sports, it doesn't involve anxieties or pressures.

It's leisurely and lyrical.

It's the song of willow on leather.

Is there any sex in it?

No. This is a game for gentlemen, played by gentlemen.

It's sick. Sick!

Miss Lefebvre, tell me something about yourself.

He's really elegant, isn't he?

Do something for me, Doctor.

Can't you throw those girls away? I don't like those girls around him.

Lay here and watch your...

Watch your champion from a good... Here...

Vantage point.

There, now. On my shoulder.

- Can't you see him better? - Yes. Yes, I can.

Feel all those lovely strokes... strokes he's pulling?

Couldn't you arrange something for me?

What would you like?

To have a session, just the three of us.

What a little bowling and a little batting? Something like that?

No. A more intimate game, you know.

I mean, when are they going to finish? It's...

- I'm getting very nervous. - I find this game scintillating and exciting.

But I'd like the game to be over. I'd like to play something else.

- Some other game? - Yes.

Well, that's interesting, too.

Can you see the bowler? That's a good thing.

- Don't look at the batsman. - No, I love the batsman better.

Yeah, the batsman's all right,

but I always have liked a little bit of bowler myself, you know.

And raised most tenderly

Till I became a sporting blade

- I thought you'd never get here! - What the hell?

Darling, I've been waiting for you to telephone for days.

What are you doing here?

I've been thinking about what you said, and I think you're right.

I think the only way two people can really get to know one another

is by living together.

- What? - So I'm moving in here.

You're moving in here?

You've taken leave of your senses! You're a weird lady!

You know, even though we've known each other for such a few hours,

I feel that we were meant for one another.

Do you believe in kismet?

Please. Go home.

I'm hungry.

Don't you just love sin?

Now, just a bloody minute!

Sit down!

- Sit? - Sit!

Sit. Fine.

Now, you and I are going to have a little talk and get things straightened out.

God, I love it when you're domineering.

Really?

Now, while I think that you're a smashing young lady,

I am not in love with you, do you understand?

I am not in love with you.

She's been upset lately.

I'm so sorry.

Mademoiselle, the boys of the emergency suicide ward

voted you this gold watch for unusual devotion.

Thank you.

Michael, remember me? You loved me in your office.

Indeed I do.

Remember the night in the hospital bed?

Unforgettable.

- My mother's crypt. - Poor Mummy.

- On top of the Eiffel Tower. - Very chilly.

You could've had me, Michael.

Michael, I need you.

Please, now, I've telephoned you several times.

Why haven't you called me?

I've phoned you I don't know how many times, maybe six.

I know it's neurotic, but I want you, Michael.

Excuse me, I'm...

Hello.

- Hello. - Hello.

Michael, I've tried to telephone you for several...

- I've tried to tele... - Michael.

- I've telephoned you several... - Michael!

Right!

I want all you cats to shape up!

But I, that am not shaped of sportive tricks

nor made to court an amorous looking glass.

I, that am rudely stamp'd and want love's majesty to strut...

Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace,

have no delight to pass away the time.

Can I do all this and yet cannot get a crown?

Tut, wild feather. I pluck it down.

Dr. Fassbender. Dr. Fassbender.

It's very important that I see Dr. Fassbender immediately.

It's not possible. He's in with a patient now.

I daren't disturb him.

Couldn't you, in your heart, make an exception in this one instance?

It's very, very important.

Well, in this case, I think maybe it's possible. He's in there.

Hello! Good morning!

- Michael James! - Can't you knock?

Knock? But I'm in dire need!

So am I! What do you think I am, human?

Bring it up at the next group analysis meeting.

Something like that. Not... not now!

Incidentally, I hope you don't get the wrong idea about what happened in there.

Not at all. It was quite simple.

You attacked me.

Well, if you feel like that about it, you may as well have your whistle back.

Thank God you came when you did.

I was here for a private lesson, and next thing you know, bang!

Just because I speak frankly about my problems

doesn't mean I'm a little pushover, does it?

Oh, no.

There is more to love than just physical excitement.

Respect, for instance, is very important.

Very important.

Don't think that I don't appreciate those things.

- Like finesse. - Finesse.

- Atmosphere. - Atmosphere.

- You agree atmosphere is very important? - Very important.

Two people in a romantic setting. Soft light, music, champagne.

Perhaps even incense burning.

Incense is beautiful!

This is all very important to me.

Only then can I give myself.

But not before.

Who would have ever thought. In an elevator.

It's the safest place in the world,

provided the combined weight of the two people

does not exceed 1,400 pounds.

It was hell.

But we'll be fine.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you. We'll be fine.

Very kind. Thank you. We'll be absolutely fine.

Come away with me for the weekend.

- Where? - Chateau Chantelle.

How lovely!

We can fish and hunt and ride and swim and...

And all in my room.

Michael! Carole wasn't in, so we thought we would try here.

Mr. and Mrs. Werner.

Didn't Carole tell you we were coming?

Yes, merril mumming. Carole, coming.

Call me Mother!

Miss Lefebvre, I can stand it no longer!

For the love of you, I die!

You have any salt?

What was that you said?

- Do you have any salt? - Have I got any salt?

I got a boat, I got kerosene,

matches, firecrackers, two swords, und this flag.

But I ain't got no salt.

You always eat here?

Once a year. On my birthday.

- Your birthday's tonight, huh? - Yeah, I'm 29 today.

29?

What a night I should pick.

Look...

I've got something that I wish to do in private without people looking at me.

Would you mind?

Go ahead. I'm just gonna sit here, grab a bite and run.

Look, I can't go ahead

while you're hanging around here eating that food, you naughty thing.

That's all right. Do whatever you have to.

You're a selfish gourmet.

What are you doing over there?

What is that?

What's that, a flare?

What are you doing here?

What's going on? What's going on here?

Why don't you shut up, you cretin?

I'm trying to commit suicide!

Set fire to my beautiful psychoanalyst body

and sail out to sea ablaze like a Viking!

- You're a doctor? - I'm a doctor of the mind.

- Really? - Yes.

I have terrible emotional problems.

Could you help me?

You certainly picked a very odd time to ask me.

I'm just in the middle of a suicide.

All right, but you'll have to lay down 'cause I can't do it standing up.

What do you mean, "lay down"? This is a rented tuxedo.

I don't care what it is. Lay down! I can't do it standing up.

- Get in there. - Where?

Lay right flat out in the boat.

There's Carole.

Hello.

It's Mr. Overactive Gland.

- Listen... - Take your hands off me.

I've got my own life to lead, and I told you I never wanted to see you again.

Stay in your own apartment and lead your own life and let me like mine!

Quiet!

Darling, guess who's here? Your mother and father.

Mother!

Mother! Dad!

When did you get here?

The roads were clear. We got in a little early.

Michael has been entertaining.

Yes, yes. He's a marvelous host.

Let's not go into that now.

Let's go out. The night's young. Your parents have to leave in the morning.

Yes, let's celebrate! I adore this city. It's magnificent.

I don't remember when you two said you were going to get married.

We didn't give you a date, Mama.

I could've sworn you wrote it will be next month.

Didn't she write that, Paul?

I didn't remember any date.

We... we really are taking steps

to facilitate proceedings in a mature and deliberate way.

Did you get the blood tests?

Mother, when we're ready, we'll let you know.

I'm in love with a girl.

She doesn't love me. She loves some other guy.

I'm just in the way.

Oh, I see. Yes. Yes, yes.

What do you think I oughtta do?

Well, why don't you buy a sports car?

A sports car?

Yeah, you know, a nice little two-seater sports car.

French, German, Italian thing goes "vroom"! Like that.

They love it. A sign of man's virility.

Perhaps you ought to get two, maybe.

No. I can't drive.

Well. You knock a few people down.

The main thing is you get the girl. That's all that matters.

You know, for a doctor, you sound terribly unethical.

Unethical?

Why do I give a damn about ethics?

My father, the most beloved gynecologist in Vienna...

Before they took him away on a morals charge

for indecent exposure at the state opera house

said, and I quote,

"Please, do not take me away. I will not do it again."

Brilliant quote.

He was a brilliant pervert.

Listen, it's my birthday.

- You told me that. - Can we get back to it?

What about my funeral?

All right. Let's do your funeral first, then my birthday.

All right, it's a bargain. Are you any good at wrapping?

Yeah. I used to work at a department store. Why?

Maybe you could help me get wrapped up in that flag there.

Grab one end.

You know how to do this?

It's a cinch. I used to wrap packages.

All right. Wait a minute. Wait a second.

Got it?

Try and get it now. Go ahead. All right.

- Now. - Now!

No, no, no.

Again.

I don't want to be a Viking.

Why don't we get something to eat?

Good idea.

Are you upset 'cause you're a sissy?

You can get that haircut, go to a gym. You'll be great.

Nothing to do with a haircut!

We've had a wonderful time!

We will go back to our hotel now and get some sleep.

- Thank you, darling. - Good-bye, Daddy.

Thank you for everything!

- Bye, Mama. - Bye.

- Come on, Mother. - Thank you again.

We're leaving noon tomorrow. In fact, that's today!

And please, remember you will get married!

Yes. Good-bye, Mother.

We are going away for the weekend. That will be our second honeymoon.

Drive carefully.

Bye!

- Bye, now. - Bye!

Good-bye!

Bye.

- Tonight was fun. - Yes.

I haven't felt so relaxed for a long time.

- You were marvelous with my parents. - I like them.

- They adore you. - Really?

Well...

It was nice seeing you again.

- Carole. - Yes?

Let's get married.

You're drunk.

No. I'm sober.

I mean it. Let's get married.

- Just like that? - Just like that.

I can't tell you anything, but suddenly I'm sure.

- Suddenly you're sure? - Suddenly I'm very sure.

Will you marry me?

Like when?

This week.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...

You want me to pick a date?

I adore you.

I'm positive.

Certain.

I want you more than anything in the world,

pussycat.

How... how about Monday?

Monday?

Absolutely!

What a fool I've been.

I've searched and searched, and sampled every girl I could find.

And now I realize that human fulfillment

does not come from short, physical, random adventures,

but from a deep relationship which is, quite often, under one's very nose.

I love you. Love you! Love you! Love you!

Pussycat.

Let's make it early Monday!

I've wasted so much time!

I can't believe that I finally caught you!

You have my word, as an inveterate cheat.

I'm the happiest woman in the world.

Second happiest.

Your mother.

Renée?

Hello, pussycat.

I can't make it.

I have an assignment somewhere else, do you see?

And it's an emergency.

Good-bye, pussycat.

Gradual disengagement.

Pussycat, I'm off.

See you tomorrow.

Have fun.

You sure you're not meeting some dolly?

Trust, my darling. Trust. That's the basis of any marriage.

- Do you want to come? - No.

I have too much to do in view of recent developments.

I'll be back tomorrow.

If I'm not back tomorrow, send for the police.

If they're not back tomorrow, send my clothes.

I love you.

Bonjour.

Philippe? It's Renée.

Listen, what about that weekend we talked about?

Yes, I'm suddenly free.

And I have a reservation for two at Chateau Chantelle.

Hello? I wish to speak with Miss Lefebvre, please.

- Mademoiselle Lefebvre? - Yes?

Mademoiselle Lefebvre, there is a Dr. Fassbender on the telephone for you.

Tell him I've gone to South America.

But I'm going to Chateau Chantelle for the weekend.

Yes. Yes, I understand. Of course. Of course.

Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Good-bye.

Anna!

Anna, I have to go to Chateau Chantelle for the weekend.

There's an... an analyst convention.

But the convention was last week, Fritz, at Arles.

No, that was the Freudian convention. This is the Jungian one.

Anyway, didn't you tell me you had a woman's auxiliary singsong or something?

But I wanted you to listen to my lines and have you cue me.

Cue yourself. What do you think I am, an automatic cueing machine?

Daddy's a degenerate! Daddy's a degenerate!

Get away from me! I hate you! I hate all of you!

I'll kill you the next time you come near me saying things like that!

Where are you going?

I'm going away for the weekend. Don't forget to wash!

Bye!

Hello, Victor. You're late. Rehearsal is over.

How would you like to love a very attractive short man?

Certainly not. Bye.

That's too bad because... I have a sports car now.

- You have what? - A red sports car.

That's great!

- Wanna go for a drive? - I would love to! Come on, hurry!

Where we gonna go?

I know a nice little place called Chateau Chantelle. Come on!

- Yes? - Michael!

Can I help you?

Are you the maid?

In a way.

Is Michael in?

No. He is at Chateau Chantelle for the weekend.

Chateau Chantelle?

May I ask...

Well, who are you?

I'm his fiancée.

His what?

I'm his fiancée.

We're going away next week. We're going to be married.

Good afternoon.

Might I ask where you came from?

I fell from the sky!

I'm a parachutist, and I missed my mark.

Where are you going?

Chateau Chantelle.

May I use your telephone?

By all means.

Well, usually I'm fantastic at hitting my target.

My name is Michael James.

- Yes. - And I'm from Chic. Thank you.

Room La Dubarry.

Upstairs and all the way down. The far end of the hall.

I'd like this washed and pressed.

No starch.

Fell out the sky, mate.

Parachuting's a funny recreation for a girl. Now, if you were a fella...

I'd understand pottery or flower arrangement

or needlework or knitting.

It helps sublimate my sexual tensions.

It's either that or promiscuity.

I'll tell you what. Make your phone call.

I'm sure the club is very anxious to know the whereabouts of their little lost sheep.

Geronimo.

It's not fair.

Can't I tell you about my experience in free-falling?

No, you can't, because I am here on a job.

And, also, I am going to marry the girl I love.

So put that away, powder your nose, and make the phone call.

And I shall go for a brisk six-mile trot.

Please send up some champagne and five dozen oysters.

Philippe, did you get the feeling that we were followed on the road?

- So what? - We'll take two separate rooms.

I'll meet you in yours. Prepare.

Michael!

Hello.

What are you doing here?

Me? Doing here... me...

Looking for you.

But I thought you couldn't make it.

I couldn't make it, and then I could make it.

And I telephoned your house and you weren't there.

Were you?

No. I decided to come alone.

That's exactly what I thought.

And now we can be together like we planned.

Yes, we can.

We can be together.

Why don't I go up to my room, freshen up,

and we can meet here again for a drink?

Right! And I'll freshen up,

and we can meet here in the bar all fresh and washed and rinsed.

In ten minutes?

Roger and out.

Oh, my God.

- How many gallons? - Twelve gallons.

Do you know what's going on at Chateau Chantelle?

Orgy.

Orgy?

My readers will be fascinated to learn about this place.

Now, all the rooms are named after famous novelists.

Is there any goings-on going on?

I wouldn't mention any names,

but could you tell me about your typical clientele?

- My typical clientele? - Typical.

But all the people that are here now are typical clientele.

There is a man cheating on his wife in room Lola Montes.

There is a woman cheating on her two husbands in Carlotta.

Two lovers of indeterminate sex in Reine Margot.

And two men cheating in Don Juan.

Yes, well, one might say that the joint was jumping.

Yes, sir. Hello?

We make more money in the off season than any other time.

And now you, Monsieur, with a woman parachutist.

For us it's the first time.

Yes, but you see, I'm as innocent as a newborn baby.

Etienne, the gentleman in Marquis de Sade

asks for 12 loaves of bread and one Boy Scout uniform.

I want to speak with my wife. My wife.

I want...

Philippe?

Michael!

It's you! I beg your body. Forgive me!

Listen, my husband has followed me here.

If he catches me, he'll cut your throat.

- My flipt... my bipt... Your what? - My husband.

I didn't bring it up in the group because I thought it would complicate...

Listen, you must help me.

My future in-laws are here, and they think that I'm alone.

And this lady fell from the sky, and she's gorgeous. And you're gorgeous.

But, anyhow, they'll tell Carole because her mother's a killer. She's a shark.

We're getting married next week, and she's nibbling my ear.

I'm in terrible trouble. Oh, my God.

It's a shame. But you have to leave immediately!

It's all right. I'm due back at the assignment.

- He's coming! - Who's coming?

My husband! Quick, in the hamper.

- The what-per? - The hamper.

- Are you all right? - Yes, of course.

Michael, I'm sorry about the way things turned out.

1955. Very good year for brain concussions.

I shall be cheerfully refunded, if you'll excuse my bellicose pomposity.

I shall be egregiously subjected to...

I'm glad you came back. I think he's coming to.

Would you mind helping me with my zipper, please.

My zipper.

Surely. Now, listen to me.

I do not wish to be involved in your marriages.

Now, if you're afraid... Look at the state of him...

Call the police.

They have a very firm policy towards murderers.

Now thank you, good night, and all good things come to an end.

What is going on?

Michael, please, come...

Herr Professor. Now, what are you doing here?

Guess what I've got on?

My hat.

You're right.

And what else?

I don't know.

Nothing.

That's nice.

Pussycat from the sky.

I can't resist you.

Don't resist me.

Capitulate.

- Please, let me in. - No.

Please, let me in, Miss Lefebvre.

No.

Let me in, let me in, or I'll scream!

I won't.

What's so terrible? What do you think I'll do to you?

You have a strange look in your eyes, and I'm late for an appointment.

Listen, I only want to talk with you. What's so awful in that?

Later. I've got to go some place.

No! Now! I'm fed up with being put off!

I only want five minutes of your time!

- Think of your reputation! - One drink is all I ask!

Otherwise I shall hold my breath until all the life goes out of my body.

Doctor. Doctor?

All right then.

A quick, fast drink, and I must really go.

Try to think of me as a kindly old man

who has only your best interests at heart.

All right.

Your oysters and champagne, madame.

Oysters and champagne?

I thought you looked a little tired.

A little tired? I'm out of my mind.

What am I doing here?

I'm spoken for! I'm promised forth.

Don't open that bottle! And close up those oysters! And get out.

Come back to bed immediately.

Look here, young woman,

I've had a lot of experience fondling... handling young girls like you,

and it's all got to stop!

I'm going to try not to come back.

Michael James, you were gravely tempted and you came through it unspotted.

I've been in there twice.

Michael! There you are!

I followed you up here and checked in.

How did you know I was here?

Please, don't hate me.

No! I don't hate you. And don't swallow anything!

Don't hate me. I'm so upset. You don't know how I feel...

Listen to me a minute. Now, I must pull myself together.

I'm fine. I'm rational.

I want to do something terrible.

I'm in a tight situation.

I'll behave in a mature and responsible way.

- I shall... - I wanna kill myself!

First of all, I shall gag you!

And then I shall bind you.

You're hurting me.

My wife, that creature that ate Europe is here.

Never mind. You're breaking my wrist!

- I'm a doctor. I'll fix it. - Let me go.

Fritz! Where are you?

I beg your sweet pardon, I'm being chased by a maniac. Could you help me?

- Quick. Get in the closet. - In the closet.

In the closet...

Thank you very much.

Victor, I can't let you make love to me with a person in the closet.

Why? How many people in the closet do you need?

Help me. Please, help me!

- My wife is coming. I've got to hide. - Quick, get in the closet.

Yes.

Thank you. I'll recommend that.

A little misunderstanding. Nothing more.

Hey, that's some closet you've got there.

Fritz!

Please, where is he now? I've just been tied up.

I know it. There is a maniac loose. Come with me.

Let us in!

Hello, the police?

I need help.

The orgy's in here!

We are the first ones. What a lovely way to start!

Hi, fellas! Wait for me!

You are horrible people! Get away from me!

Wait! Wait! You! Stop!

- Who is that woman? - Is she dead?

Dead? Sure, she's dead.

But she did not die in vain.

Because of her, thousands of Frenchmen will be free someday.

For France, I do this!

Smoking is forbidden.

You've got to help me! There are lots of dreadful men after me!

This is no place for a working girl. Come on!

Here I am, fellas! Goody! Goody!

There's one in there, one in there, another one in there. I'm off!

Michael, there you are.

Hello there!

- Who is your fiancée? - Welcome to the Chateau Chantelle.

Some girl called and she said she was meeting you here

and she said she was your fiancée.

That's absurd because you're my fiancée, and I...

Come on, let's go to your room and have a talk.

My room? Yes, well...

How about a nice little ride in the country. It's so pretty...

I've been driving all day. I want to sit down and speak to you.

Sit down and speak to me? Let's go into the bar!

- We can have a nice drink and... - I'd like to do it in private,

because I may have to scream and throw things,

and I think we should be alone for that.

A sense of humor.

I've been looking all over for you. You're the only one that can help me!

- Our Father... - Who is that woman?

Never mind who I am, but you are in great danger.

What do you mean "never mind"? I demand an explanation!

- Don't lose your temper! - I will lose it!

Calm yourself.

Now, listen. In the first place, I haven't got another fiancée.

In the second place, you don't trust me in the first place.

Fritz!

Anna, before you use that spear,

may I explain to you that what you see happening here is merely an illusion?

- An illusion? - An illusion!

Shut the door, count three, four, if you like,

but close the door, and you'll see it's just an illusion!

One, two, three!

Foiled by a cheap cinematic trick!

If you insist, you can surely see my room.

You have got some pretty tall explaining to do, my dear.

I have never seen that woman before in my life!

I thought you were here for a quiet weekend of work!

Of course I'm here for a quiet weekend of work!

It's a charming spot, no one ever comes here.

- And how much work have you done? - I've only just got here!

- Can I see your room? - Certainly. It's over there.

It's a perfectly ordinary room.

- Listen, pussycat... - I don't think so.

Listen. It is!

No, I won't spend my whole life waiting around for you.

Nothing like a hard day's work, huh?

Look here. I came here alone. This crowd showed up.

It's been a tremendous mistake. I know because I made it.

Michael, darling. Please, don't let them take me!

Perfect stranger. Lucky guess about the name.

Michael, everyone is insane. Please, take me away from this place.

Who is that woman?

She's only 12 and she's an orphan and once a year, I take...

Save me. They're after me, and I did nothing!

Put that in the shower!

Here I am, you French hunk of pie!

Stay back!

Stick it in the tub and drown it, you twit!

Not in here, you fool! I'm hiding!

Michael, this hotel has the strangest people!

Why did you abandon me?

- She has a Ph.D. - In what?

You fool! Just when I was trying to give up smoking!

Michael, what a pleasant surprise.

My compliments to the chef!

- Who are you? - I'm delighted!

I'm Carole.

I kill him! I kill everybody!

You don't understand! There are people in here trying to sleep!

Who is that thing?

That isn't a thing. That is my wife.

This is a personal friend of James Bond!

- How dare you? - How dare you?

Pussycat, I do assure you.

Take all the pussycats, stand them all in a row...

Can you tell me who are all these people?

You stand above them like a mountain of snow.

- What's going on here? - Carole!

Mother! Dad! Come over here!

- Did you set the date yet? - We're about to.

What's the matter? You look sick.

The police!

Anna, up the front!

Form up, everyone!

Charge!

There lies our only conceivable way of escape!

Quick! Pell-mell!

Away you go!

Carole!

Michael James, upon this solemn occasion,

do you take this woman to be your lawful married wife?

I do?

Do you, Carole Hildegard Werner,

take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

Best man, have you the ring?

I do.

We live in perilous times.

Look after it. It belongs to my wife.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

- Merci, Monsieur Mayor. - Madame.

Thank you for everything you did for him.

Well, Mayor, there's gratitude for you.

You raise a patient, treat him like a son,

slave all day over a hot analyst couch, what do you get in return?

They don't even invite you on the honeymoon.

What is your full name, please?

Michael Voltaire James, pussycat.

And yours, Madame?

Carole Hildegard Werner.

- Why are you snapping then? - Why did you call her "pussycat"?

I was being courteous. I was being civil.

We're married 30 seconds and already you look at other women!

I had to look at her. She was talking to me.

I looked in the direction the sound was coming from!

You can go on the honeymoon alone!

I'm the witness, also the best man.

My name is Fritz Wolfgang Sigismund Fassbender.

What's the matter, darling? You look a little worried.

I can't spell Sigismund.

I think you have a little sexual block over the spelling of that naughty name.

Allow me to help you. I'm a psychoanalyst, among other things.

Michael, you didn't change at all.

All this good doctor's work has been in vain!

Perhaps I haven't lost a son.

Maybe I've gained another patient.

Now, look. Please, sit down.