Original subtitles

WOMAN [ON PA]: Flight 4 for New York now loading at Gate 7.

Flight 741 from Holland now arriving at Gate 8.

[PHONE BUZZlNG]

Taxi.

Follow that cab.

EUNlCE: Howard. Howard Bannister.

Howard.

When I ask you to wait for me somewhere I expect you to stay until l come back.

-Yes, Eunice. -lt is difficult enough...

...for me to see to all these arrangements myself.

-Yes, Eunice -lt is exactly 6:1 5.

If we reached the hotel in half an hour we'll have just enough time to dress.

-Yes, Eunice. -Put these in a taxi.

Yes, Eunice.

[MAN WHISTLlNG]

[SCOOTER'S HORN HONKlNG]

[TUNlNG FORK CHlMES]

It's a beautiful city, isn't it, Howard?

I'd like to come here on our honeymoon.

[TUNlNG FORK CHlMES]

Did you hear me?

I said l'd like to come here on our honeymoon.

What?

I thought you wanted to go to San Francisco?

-This is San Francisco, Howard. -Of course it is.

[HORN HONKS, THEN TlRES SCREECH]

EUNlCE: Howard!

DRIVER: Hey, what are you trying to do, get yourself killed?

-You all right there? -l hope nothing is broken.

-lt's just a bump. -No.

-Don't overdramatize. -l mean my igneous rocks.

-l hope they're not damaged. -l know how you feel.

I hate it when my igneous rocks are even touched.

[MAN WHISTLlNG]

[TlRES SCREECHING]

[DRIVER SHOUTlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

[SIGHS]

May I help you please?

I was wondering if my friends are here from the New Hebrides.

I believe they were in Room 1 71 7.

Sorry, but that room is vacant.

I don't understand.

They told me Room 1 71 7 at the Hotel Crystal.

This is the Bristol, madam, not the Crystal.

Then one of us must be in the wrong hotel.

Oh, Mrs. Van Hoskins.

-lt's so nice to have you back with us. -Thank you, Hans.

-Fritz. -What happened to Hans?

There is no Hans, Mrs. Van Hoskins. Only me, Fritz.

Oh, what a shame.

Boy.

Franz, l'm going to take this with me. There are some things I need tonight.

And tomorrow, I want you to put it in the hotel safe for me.

It will be done, madam.

[BELL RINGS]

[BELL RINGlNG]

JUDY: Room Service please.

Hi, Room Service. This is Room 1 71 7.

I would like a double-thick roast beef sandwich, medium rare, on rye bread...

...with mustard on the top, mayonnaise on the bottom. And a coffee--

Hot fudge sundae with a bottle of diet anything.

You got that? Yeah.

Room 1 71 7.

Oh, and would you put it in the hall outside the door?

Don't bring it in or knock. I'm putting my little one to sleep.

Right. Thank you.

I am Miss Eunice Burns and this is my fiancè, Dr. Howard Bannister.

We are here for the Congress of Αmerican Musicologists' Convention.

-Burns and Bannister. -Howard, go and get some aspirin.

I want you to be in shape for this evening.

Don't touch that.

-These are my pre-Paleozoic Tambulu rocks. -Don't touch his rocks.

I will take care of those.

Now, you go to the drugstore.

-Be back in my room in five minutes. -Right.

-Eunice. -Yes?

-Why am l going to the drugstore? -Aspirin.

-Right. -With buffering. lt's better for the stomach.

-Right. -Front.

-Flat. -Sir?

Your bell is flat. It's half a tone off.

[BELL RINGS]

[TUNlNG FORK CHlMES]

-What's up, doc? -l beg your pardon?

-We've gotta stop meeting like this. -You're making a mistake.

I came in here for something for a headache.

You're gonna need a big glass of water to get that down.

What? Oh, no, no. You see, I'm a musicologist.

I was just testing this specimen for inherent tonal quality.

Uh-huh.

I have this theory about man's musical relationship...

-...to igneous rock formations -Uh-huh.

But l guess you're not really interested in igneous rock formations.

Not as much as l am in the metamorphic or sedimentary rock categories.

I mean, l can take your igneous rocks or leave them.

I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar.

You can keep pyroxenes, magnetites and plutonics as far as l'm concerned.

I forgot why l came in.

Headache.

Oh, yes. Thank you. And goodbye.

Was it something I said?

I beg your pardon?

What do you think I am, fruit you can squeeze and cast aside?

-You're making a mistake. -That's all I am, a mistake. Α clerical error.

-Forget you know my name. -l don't know your name.

-Judy Maxwell. -How do you do?

-How do you do? -Could you let go?

I don't think so.

Ah!

JUDY: Oh, look what happened.

Oh, dear.

-Don't help. I am able to do this myself. -You've gotta be more careful.

Don't you know 3 percent of fatal accidents...

-...happen in corner drugstores? -What's going on there?

Uh. Nothing. We're just looking for a little aspirin.

-Let me help you. -Don't help me.

Just go away.

Okay.

-My husband will pay for this. -What's he doing on the floor?

He suffers from a nervous condition. He falls a lot.

-l don't want people falling down in here. -Well, we're on our honeymoon.

-ls this the kind with buffering? -That's right.

How much do I owe you?

Sixty-eight twenty-nine.

-l beg your pardon? -Sixty-eight dollars and 29 cents.

-How much is it without buffering? -Look, mister, the aspirin is 84 cents.

-This is 67.45. -What's that?

-A radio. -Radio? I don't want a radio.

-Your wife? -l don't want a wife.

-l haven't got a wife. -Oh, Steve. He's always kidding around.

I don't know you. I don't know who she is.

Oh, come on, Steve. Buy her the radio. It's on sale.

JUDY: You call this a honeymoon?

Hey, what about the aspirin?

Hey, Steve. Steve, wait.

Hey. Wait up. Steve. Oh!

Uh....

Oh, am I sorry.

I am--

I'm terribly sorry.

Let me sew it up for you. We'll go someplace quiet.

-We'll get a needle in a drugstore. -l don't wanna go.

-l don't like the drug store. -Oh, don't be angry.

Oh, listen, Steve.

My name is not Steve. It is Howard Bannister.

Now that l've told you, I wish you'd forget you'd heard it.

-l like Steve better anyway. -You've mistaken me for someone else.

Just go away and leave me alone.

-Why did you follow me into the drugstore? -l didn't follow you.

-l had a headache. -Still have it?

-No. EUNlCE: Howard.

JUDY: See? EUNlCE: Howard.

I said five minutes.

-l'm sorry, Eunice. -Eunice? That's a person named Eunice.

EUNlCE: Where have you been? -l had a little problem.

-You married. -We're not married.

-Congratulations. -We will be.

-Condolences. -Who is this person?

I haven't the vaguest idea. She was behind a rock.

-You can tell her about us. -Why is she calling you that?

Don't pay any attention to her, Eunice.

-Look, Miss Maxwell-- -You know her name.

-Eunice, l swear this is a bizarre joke-- -Sure! lt's easy for you.

Everywhere you go, another heart broken.

You call it joking. Eunice and l, we call it lust.

Don't you know the meaning of "propriety"?

Propriety? Noun.

Conformity to established standards of behavior or manners...

...suitability, rightness or justice. See "etiquette."

[TRAY CLΑTTERlNG]

[WHlSPERlNG] Oh, good evening, sir. -Good evening.

-We don't wanna wake up the little one. -No, we sure don't.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[WΑITER WHlSTLES]

[DOOR OPENS]

[BOTH WHlSPERlNG] I, uh, was just looking for my key.

-Oh, yes. -Can't seem to find it anywhere.

Maybe the door is open.

No. I'm sure I locked it.

Good night.

Don't forget your dinner.

Oh, yeah. Right. I'll get it later. Thanks.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Eunice. Eunice? EUNlCE: Who is there?

It's me, Howard Bannister, your fiancè.

Oh, you look very nice, Howard.

-Thank you. Eunice. You look very nice too. -Oh, I haven't gotten dressed yet, Howard.

-Come in. I'll do your tie. -What tie is that, Eunice?

Your tie. The tie in your hand.

Oh, yes. Of course.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

My, uh, dinner's here.

I don't know who he is, but I hate him.

[SIGHS]

Well, Howard, you must have said something to encourage that girl.

What do you mean, Eunice?

Howard, you know what l'm talking about.

-After all, you are a man. -That's true.

-She's a woman. -True too.

-ln the same way l am a woman. You see--? -Well, l don't think of you as a woman.

I think of you as Eunice.

-Oh, but I am a woman, Howard. -Oh, I know that.

Eunice, I know I don't seem to be a very romantic person.

-l'm not looking for romance, Howard. -Oh.

I'm looking for something more important. Something stronger.

As the years go by, romance fades and something else takes its place.

-Do you know what? -Senility.

-Trust. -That's what I meant.

I think we better talk about this at some other time.

Now, Howard, l want you to make a good impression on Mr. Larrabee.

Tell me exactly what you're going to say to him.

What? Well, l'll probably say something like:

-"Hello there, I'm Howard." -You are not.

-l'm not. -You are not going to say:

"Hi, my name is Howard." Anyone can say that. Αnyone.

-Anyone named Howard. -You are to walk up to him...

...and take his hand in a firm, masculine handshake and say:

"Mr. Larrabee, I am Dr. Howard Bannister. It is a privilege to meet you, sir."

-Think you can do that? -Yes, I think I can.

-Well, do your best. Be dignified. -l'll be dignified.

-Be solemn but not stuffy. -l'll be solemn.

-Act friendly but impersonal. -l'll act friendly.

-Pull the door open. -l'll pull the door open.

-Well, goodbye, Eunice. -Now, don't be nervous, Howard.

Just remember, everything depends on this.

Now, let's see.

"Mr. Larrabee, it's an honor to--" No. No, that's not it.

It's, uh-- What is it? lt's--

"It's a privilege to meet you, sir."

Likewise.

[SIGHS]

WOMAN: Thank you. WAITER: You are most welcome.

Oh, good to see you.

[SPEΑKING INDISTINCTLY]

WOMAN: Thank you. WAITER: You are most welcome.

Mr. Larrabee, a privilege to meet you. I'm Dr. Howard Bannister.

And l'm your head waiter, Rudy.

-Can l show you to your table, sir? -No, thank you.

I think I'll just sort of mingle for a while.

-Here you are, sir. -Thank you. l don't drink.

You're upside down, sir.

I'm upside down.

Ugh!

Hello? Get me the chief.

Oh, he is?

Well, tell him l got the documents.

-l'm Hugh Simon. -Oh, how do you do?

-You're upside down. -l know.

And l suppose you have not read my series of articles...

...on Versuch einer Αnweisung in the Music Monthly.

-l haven't. I'm terribly sorry. -Foolish of you.

You must realize that it was that series of articles...

...that helped me to be one of the finalists in contention for the Larrabee Grant.

-Amazingly, you are the other one. -Oh.

I can't imagine that the Larrabee Foundation will throw their money away...

-...on prehistoric rock dumpings. -You're oversimplifying my thesis.

Oversimplifying? You accuse me of oversimplifying?

I never oversimplify.

-An old Croatian saying, Bollixter, called-- -Bannister.

Whatever it is.

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, our host.

Mr. Larrabee?

-Mr. Larrabee, it's a privilege to meet you. -l'm Hugh Simon.

-l love your hair. -Thank you.

On behalf of myself and of my colleagues at the conservatory--

Yes, indeed, indeed.

-This must be.... -lt's a privilege--

Although I want you to note...

...that l personally have nothing but contempt for monetary gain.

The $20,000 will allow us, me, that is, to complete a great body of work...

...which will most certainly reflect une gloire ènorme on the Larrabee Foundation.

Well put, Mr. Simon. Very well put. Nothing like it.

Nothing like a gloire ènorme or otherwise.

But l point out you are only one of the finalists.

-lf I'm not mistaken, this must be-- -Mr. Larrabee--

Believe me, l understand the difficulty in trying to award such a prize--

Very understanding. And now, if you don't mind--

HOWARD: Oh!

-Oh, I'm sorry. l'm terribly sorry. -lt's all right. It's all right.

Dr. Bannister.

-Mr. Privilege, it's a Larra-- -Yeah.

No, no, that's not it.

Anyway, it's nice to see you, sir.

Thank you. I don't drink.

-Neither do I. -You don't.

Shall we sit down, gentlemen?

-l believe we're all sharing the same table. -After you, sir.

[ALL LAUGHING]

-Oh, Mr. Larrabee. -Good evening, Professor Hosquith.

-Howard Bannister. -Oh, you're Bannister.

-How do you do? -Oh, thank you.

Your fiancè was just telling us about your most incredible adventure in the sky.

What's this, Bannister? What adventure did you have?

What adventure did l have? What adventure?

You mustn't be modest about a thing like that, Bannister. Simply incredible.

You have to tell us all about it. Come along to the table.

Come along, Mr. Simon, Professor Hosquith.

MAN: Oh, good show, Bannister. Good show.

-And this must be Miss Burns. -How do you do?

LΑRRABEE: How do you do? JUDY: Hi.

You?

-You-- You-- -"Nice." Eunice, Howard. Eunice.

Almost got that stammer cured. Sit down.

How--? How--?

Howard. Howard. He still gets stuck on names.

It's probably the excitement of meeting you for the first time.

I must say, l can feel it myself.

-Oh, can you? -Can l?

My heart is going a mile a minute. Why, you can just feel it pounding.

Can't you feel it?

Yes, l think l can.

Yes, it's absolutely. It's certainly in there pounding.

It's amazing. You should feel it, gentlemen.

-Sit down, gentlemen. Can l sit next to you? -l wouldn't have it any other way.

Why don't you sit here on my right?

-lf you could please move, Mr. Simon? -But, sir, this is not--

I know this is not the seating arrangement according to the place cards...

...but we can break a few of the minor social customs.

Sir, l must point out--

I must point out that foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

-Emerson. -l beg your pardon.

-Ralph Emerson, born 1 803, died 1 882. -You like Emerson.

-l adore him. -l adore anyone who adores Emerson.

And l adore anyone who adores anyone who adores Emerson.

She's a delight, Bannister, a delight. You're a lucky dog.

-But this isn't-- -Admit it.

-Admit you're a lucky dog. -l'm a lucky dog.

-Miss Burns, may l call you Eunice? -No!

Back where we come from, everyone calls me Burnsy.

-Burnsy? Burnsy. JUDY: Mm-hm.

LΑRRABEE: I like that.

Burnsy.

Help.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

I presume you are familiar with your fiancè's study, Miss Burns.

-You presume correctly, Mr. Simon. -You've read his thesis?

-Read it? l typed it for him. -This is not Eunice Burns.

Then you must share his inordinate interest in rocks.

Oh, passionately.

-lt was a rock that brought us together. -You're not Eunice.

You really expect me to accept the notion...

...that Neanderthal man found a method of making music out of minerals?

I believe l can prove that actual melodies, crude, but melodies nevertheless...

...based on a scale similar to Norse ventengum chants...

-l love those old ventengum. -...really existed as far back as 7 million B.C.

-You can prove this? -Given the time and the money, of course.

SlMON: But really, music from rocks?

It so happens that Howard has had discussion with Leonard Bernstein...

...about the possibility of conducting an avalanche in E flat.

-That is utterly ridiculous. -Where is your sense of humor, Simon?

She's a gem. She's a gem, Bannister. She's unbelievable.

Yes, she is.

What do you mean you can't find me? I'm right here.

I'm sorry, miss. I have no badge in that name.

But will you look again, please? It's Burns, Eunice Burns.

I got the jewels.

Get out, but don't let anyone see you.

-Roger. -Fritz.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

-As you undoubtedly realized, Mr. Larrabee... HOWARD: Psst!

SlMON: ...l spent almost six years.... HOWARD: You have got to get out of here.

JUDY: Miss all the good stuff that's coming? HOWARD: She will be here any minute.

JUDY: That's the good stuff. SlMON: The Swiss composer and--

JUDY: Swiss composers, Mr. Simon?

SlMON: That's right, Miss Burns.

Well, l don't imagine that it is a field...

...that a musical archeologist would find particularly rewarding.

But it is a rich field in which my groundbreaking scholarship...

-...has cultivated a rich harvest. -lt must have taken a lot of fertilizing.

We would like to hear the story that Miss Burns was telling--

-Burnsy. -That Burnsy was telling.

HOWARD: He's calling her Burnsy. -What was it?

-Some adventure you had on your flight. -Yes. No!

My Howard is too modest to tell you that story.

It began shortly after we passed the point of no return.

-l think we just passed it. -The amplifiers and directional gyro failed.

And flex valve refused to disconnect.

One of the pilots fainted from fear, we went into this power dive.

Howard took his rock formations into the cockpit...

...and selected two of them with a particularly high magnetic content...

...set up electrical field on that gyrocompass.

I'm having a nightmare.

-What's the problem? -This lady claims to be a Eunice Burns.

I am not "a" Eunice Burns. I am the Eunice Burns.

I don't have a badge for a Eunice Burns.

Miss Burns is wearing her badge.

-She's already gone inside. -That isn't possible.

-Perhaps you're at the wrong convention. -This is outrageous.

And just possibly saving 1 1 2 passengers from a tragic fiery death.

Absolutely incredible.

-l find that story intensely moving. JUDY: Mm-hm.

I find that story as difficult to swallow as l do this potage au gelèe.

How would you like to swallow one sandwich de knuckles?

Psst. l've got to talk to you privately. -Meet me under the table.

-What? -Oh, my goodness. There goes my napkin.

[BOTH WHlSPERlNG] So far so good, huh?

-Don't you understand anything? -What?

-Eunice. -l don't understand Eunice.

-She will be here. -Stop repeating yourself.

I am not repeating myself. I am not repeating myself.

-l'm repeating myself. -Steve, you don't wanna marry Eunice.

-l'm Howard. -Neither of you wants Eunice.

Why do you say that?

You don't want someone wrinkled, lined and flabby.

-Everybody gets wrinkled, lined and flabby. -By next week?

Hey, what's going on down here?

-You just can't keep away from each other? -We're just talking.

Are you all right, Mr. Larrabee? Can l help?

-No, I'm fine. We were just chatting. SlMON: Uh-huh.

-What's going on? -Anything wrong?

-No, no. -Just testing a theory Howard has:

-Vocal reverberation under spinal pressure. -Vocal reverberation under spinal pressure?

-You know? VRUSP? MAN: Of course.

I think I read a monograph on that.

Charles, what kind of wine are you serving at Table 1 ?

I'm telling you, Bannister, this girl of yours is fun. F-U-N.

And if you win that grant, well, you can consider it her victory as well as your own.

-Do you follow me? -l--

I--

I certainly do.

EUNlCE: Howard! Howard Bannister, tell them--! Let go! Howard!

Howard! Howard Bannister! Howard! Howard! Get--!

Howard, tell them who I am! They're trying to keep--!

They're trying to keep me out!

-They won't believe me. -Who is that unbalanced woman?

Howard. Howard, tell them who l am.

Tell them who l am.

I insist you tell them who I am right this minute.

I never saw her before in my life.

[EUNICE SCREAMlNG]

[WHlSTLlNG]

Look, here she comes now.

-Did you get the jewels out of the hotel? -No, I put it in 1 714 and--

Seventeen-fourteen?

What kind of a detective are you? Cannot commit a burglary.

-l'm ashamed. -Never mind.

I'll return the case to her room while you detain her.

-How do l do that? -Use your charm.

Charm.

Use your charm.

EUNlCE: What do you want? -Madam, it is I, Fritz.

I supposed you have come to apologize for the unbelievable criminal injustices...

...which have been visited upon me in this place.

One of our guests has lost something.

I fail to see how it could possibly be in here...

-...unless it crawled in under its own power. -Exactly, Miss Burns.

-What are you trying to say? -lt's very embarrassing.

But one of our regular guests, a wealthy eccentric, has lost his pet snake.

EUNlCE: Αh! -No. Yes, here. Calm yourself, miss.

May I suggest that you shut yourself in the bathroom for a few moments...

-...while I search your room. -No, what if it's in there?

It won't be in there.

Snakes, as you know, live in mortal fear of, uh, tile.

EUNlCE: Oh, yes. Well, thank you.

It's all right, Miss Burns. You can come out now.

EUNlCE: What in the world can they do to me?

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[THUMP]

HΑRRY: Ow!

[HΑRRY GRUNTING]

-What's the matter, Steve? -My name is not Steve...

...and the matter is, how am I going to explain all this to Eunice?

-That is the easiest thing. -Easiest thing.

First you go down to her room. Knock on the door.

Okay. She answers the door. Now, she will have been crying...

...so her eyes will be all, uh, puffy and bloodshot.

You know, and her nose is all red and running. But you overlook that.

Put your hand on her shoulder...

...you stare purposefully into those red-rimmed, swollen eyes...

...and you say, "Eunice, my dear, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

I behaved like a cad, a bounder. But now l see everything clearly.

And l have decided that Judy and l are gonna put you into a home."

That is not amusing.

Oh, Steve, what are you so upset about? I mean, tonight was fantastic.

-We've got that Larrabee Grant sewn up. -We?

Have to admit, l helped. He calls me Burnsy.

That is not the point, you are not Burnsy.

Burnsy is Burnsy. l mean Eunice is Burnsy. I mean, she isn't Burnsy.

Nobody is Burnsy.

-So, what is the point? -The point is-- The point is....

I've forgotten the point.

You think that when Mr. Larrabee finds out l'm not Eunice...

...he'll think you put something over on him. Bye-bye 20,000.

Right! That's the point!

That money would enable me to establish certain proof for theories of mine.

Certain theories that....

Must you stand quite so close?

I'm very nearsighted.

-Where was I? -Certain theories.

Right. That money would enable me to travel to the south of France...

...to examine prehistoric art forms, hundreds of thousands of years old.

-Aurignacian or Upper Perigordian? -Both. lf given--

-Where do you come up with those names? -Just a wild guess.

I want you to go away now.

Oh, Steve, l'm sorry, I only wanted to help.

I know you don't mean any harm, you're just--

-You're just different. -Thank you.

I know l'm different, but from now on I'm gonna try to be the same.

Same as what?

Same as people who aren't different.

Good, thank you and goodbye.

Come on, Steve. When you know me better you'll like me.

I won't like you. Goodbye.

Well, let's not say goodbye, let's just say au revoir.

No, let's say goodbye.

You will enter through the adjoining room, take the jewel case and go to the basement.

-What if she wakes up and sees me? -You will tell her you are smitten with her.

That you have followed her all night and you will make passionate love to her.

Couldn't I just kill her?

No.

[GROANS]

I have-- I have to--

This is crazy. Nothing's--

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[SIGHS]

JUDY: Hello out there. -Hello.

-No, it must be brain damage. JUDY: What?

I believe you dropped something.

-What do you think you're doing? -l think l'm taking a bath, aren't l?

If you're not out in two minutes, I'm calling police.

Who'll they arrest, the girl, or the guy with his pants down?

I am not joking now.

I do not like to act rashly but you are the last straw that breaks my camel's back.

You are the plague.

You bring havoc and chaos to everyone, but why to me? Why me? Why? Why?

Because you look cute in pajamas.

Get out!

-Right now? -Yes!

No, wait a minute!

JUDY: Are you all right?

-l think l've broken several major bones. -Let me see.

-Don't help me. -Tell me where it hurts.

The ilium? The sacrum? I hope it's not your coccyx.

I can't breathe. Is it possible to break a lung?

I think your necktie's too tight.

[PHONE RlNGING]

-There. See? Now the phone is ringing. -l'll get it.

I can do it.

Hello? Yes.

Eunice who? Oh, Eunice.

Howard, what's going on in there?

Nothing much, l fell down.

-Are you hurt? -No, I'm feeling better. Thank you for calling.

-Howard! -Yes, Eunice?

-I'm coming in there. -l wish you wouldn't do that.

I wanna see if you're all right.

I am still very angry with you, but I am concerned.

-Do you hear me? -Yes, Eunice.

I'll get dressed now.

-Howard, who was that? -Who was what?

I heard a voice say something about getting dressed.

It's the television set, Eunice.

There's a movie on, a war movie. They're getting dressed for battle.

It was a woman's voice.

They're lady soldiers. It's called The Fighting WACs.

You don't have a robe I could put on, do you?

I'm coming in!

Well, that's it.

-Only one thing left to do. -What's that? What?

Eunice is coming, you're here, like that. And l'm going to jump.

-Oh, Steve. -Goodbye.

Steve, wait!

I don't believe it. You did it again.

-Excuse me. Αre you with the hotel? -Why?

I would like the key to 1 71 6...

...my fiancè's in there and l believe he has injured himself.

Sorry, lady, I'm looking for something in 1 71 7.

EUNlCE: No. See, ordinarily I wouldn't even ask you, but I really think it's--

HΑRRY: l got my orders from the desk clerk downstairs.

I gotta go to 1 71 7, so please, don't bother me now.

[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]

EUNlCE: Howard.

[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]

Open this door, Howard.

Howard, l know you're in there. Do you hear me?

Howard, open this door immediately!

Howard.

-What's wrong with the closet? -She'll look.

What kind of person is she?

[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]

EUNlCE: Howard Bannister, I am talking to you.

I know you're in there.

I'm terrified of heights, I have acrophobia.

-A ledge. -l have "ledgeaphobia."

-Until I can get rid of her. -l can't!

EUNlCE: Howard, do you hear me?

-She has a violent temper. -l can't!

EUNlCE: Howard! -She studies karate.

Maybe I can.

Howard! Howard, l am going to count to five.

-Don't count. I hate it when you count. -One.

Two.

Three.

Four!

Five!

Hello, Eunice, come on in.

[WHlSTLlNG]

Howard, if you have betrayed my trust in you-- What's that?

That's a bath, Eunice. I was going to take a bath.

Since when have you taken bubble baths?

It came out of the faucet that way, Eunice.

-Why are your rocks in the bathroom? -l don't know. I wish I did, but l don't.

[SNORING]

[WlNDOW RΑTTLlNG]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[GRUNTlNG]

What are you looking for, dear?

Howard, you are not being open with me.

I am being open with you, Eunice. I'm always open.

[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]

It's open.

Good evening. Where do you want it?

Where do l want what?

-Roast beef on rye. Mustard on top-- -l don't want food.

Room 1 71 6, right? Well, l'll just set it up over here.

-What's that? -What's what?

I hear knocking.

It's your nerves.

[GUNFlRE ON TV]

JUDY: Ah!

Ah!

[GRUNTlNG]

-Why are you fiddling with the window? -Too much fresh air, dear, very harmful.

EUNlCE: Howard, will you--? For goodness sake, turn off that television.

[LOUD GUNFIRE ON TV]

[BANGlNG ON CEILlNG]

[PHONE RlNGING]

EUNlCE: Howard, if you don't turn that set off, l am going to scream!

HOWARD: You are screaming, Eunice.

MAN: Hey, have a heart.

-We're trying to get some sleep down here. -Eunice. Heh, heh, heh.

MAN: Hey! -Pull the plug out.

-lt's cable. -Pull the cable out.

[EUNICE SCREAMlNG]

Ah!

[EUNICE SCREAMlNG]

EUNlCE: Help. Help!

[EUNICE SCREAMlNG]

[BANGlNG ON CEILlNG]

MAN: Hey, have a heart, for Pete's sake!

[BANGlNG ON CEILlNG]

EUNlCE: Howard. Why aren't you saving me?

Howard!

[EUNICE SCREAMlNG]

MAN: Hey, that's it!

WOMAN: What's the matter with you?! FRlTZ: Put his coat. Yeah.

Give me that pot! Right over here!

WOMAN: l'm gonna call the police. I'm gonna call the police.

FIREMΑN: Down there. Sarge, take the hose down the hallway.

[EUNICE SCREAMlNG]

Down there.

FRlTZ: Yeah, yeah. Send the fire department to Room 1 6--

Whoo! Ms. Burns, what are you doing in Mr. Bannister's bedroom?

-Don't know the meaning of propriety? FRlTZ: Come on! Here! Take that here!

Ugh!

[SNORING]

Howard....

Clothes.

Howard.

[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]

Hello?

[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]

Come in, it's broken. I mean, it's open.

Good morning.

No, I don't think so.

I'm Mr. Kaltenborn, the manager of what's left of the hotel.

I'm awfully sorry about this whole mess here.

Usually, this doesn't happen.

Mr. Bannister, l have a message for you from the staff of the hotel.

-Really? What is it? -Goodbye.

That's the message?

We would appreciate it if you would check out.

-When? -Yesterday.

That soon?

I don't suppose you have another room you could let me use just for....

-No. -Hm.

Oh, well.

These are my igneous Tambulu rocks.

Yes. Of course, they are.

Where were you, uh, thinking of going now?

Well, my fiancèe, Miss Sleep, is still burning and....

Miss Burns is still sleeping.

I thought maybe I would just sit in the lobby and wait.

KALTENBORN: Hm. -No.

I'm-- Well, l'm--

I'm awfully sorry about the room.

Oh, that's all right. We have lots of others.

[SOFT ELEVATOR MUSlC PLAYlNG]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

This is a nice view.

I must be crazy. I must be crazy. I'm looking out at the view.

Eunice is going home. l must be crazy.

[PIANO PLAYS NOTE]

[PLΑYS PlANO]

[IMITATING BOGART] "Of all the gin joints in all the towns, in all the world...

...he walks into mine.

Play it, Sam."

I don't, uh--

[SINGlNG lN NORMAL VOlCE] You must remember this

-C minor 7th. -Oh.

[PLΑYS NOTE ON PIANO]

A kiss is still a kiss

[PLΑYING "AS TIME GOES BY"]

A sigh

Is just a sigh

The fundamental things apply

As time goes by

That's very good.

And when two lovers woo

They still say....

They still say

[BOTH SINGlNG] I love you

Yeah.

On that you can rely

No matter what the future brings

[BENCH BREΑKS]

[JUDY LAUGHING]

-What's wrong? -The future.

What's the matter with it?

Well, judging from the recent past--

Edmund Burke said you can never plan the future by the past.

-Pardon? -You're wondering what a girl is doing...

-...quoting an 1 8th-century guy. -Yes.

-Political science, Colorado State-- -lnformation on rocks.

-Hey, look. You got a case like mine. -Uh-huh.

-No. No. -No?

Advanced geology, Wellesley.

-Music? -Bennington, musical appreciation.

-Comp Lit, Northwestern. -ls that it?

Archaeology, Tuskegee Institute, general semantics, University of Chicago.

Veterinary medicine, Texas Α&M. Say when--

-Trying to become? -A graduate.

-Why is that so important? -My father.

He was upset when l was asked to leave.

-Asked to leave? -Bounced.

-You wanna know why? -No.

No. Anyway, he sent me someplace else after that.

But that didn't work out. None of them did. Some of it was very nice.

I read good books. Went to movies, mostly. But something always seemed to go wrong.

I can believe that.

Well, this last time was not my fault.

What happened?

Nothing. Nothing, really.

It was just a little classroom. It sort of burned down.

-Burned down? -Blew up, actually.

-Political activism? -Chemistry major.

I see.

-Anyway, now I'm scared to go home. -So am l.

-How do you mean? -Well, Eunice and l came from lowa.

The conservatory got together this fund so l could come and win this grant.

-l forgot. l forgot to give you this letter. -What letter?

It was under your door when l came to your room.

-Did you open this? -How else could I have read it?

Did you--? The grant! Mr. Larrabee!

Yes. Yes, l saw--

-Oh, boy, the 20,000. -l know. l know.

-l've got to tell Eunice. -Of course you do.

After all, she is--

-She is my fiancèe. -Of course she is.

-She deserves to be the first. -Uh-huh.

-Or, at least, the second. -Yeah.

Where was I?

Eunice.

Who is Eunice?

HOWARD: Eunice.

Eunice.

Oh, Eunice, open the door. I have some wonderful news.

I do not want your apologies, Howard.

I think it is too late for that.

All right, Eunice, no apologies.

Have you no heart?

I would think that after what you have done, you would come crawling for forgiveness.

Oh, Eunice, please let me read you this letter.

"Dear Howard."

-Do you hear that? Howard. -That is your name.

"The committee and l agreed, barring any unforeseen circumstances...

...you will be the recipient of the Larrabee Grant.

Join me and my guests for a luncheon at my house around noon.

Don't forget to bring your charming fiancèe. Sincerely, Frederick."

-Look, Frederick. -l fail to see how he could refer to me...

...when he has never had the pleasure--

Eunice, we can straighten all that out this afternoon.

Oh, all right, Howard. It will take me some time to get dressed.

Go without me. I will follow as soon as possible.

-The address, please? -888 Russian Hill. And, Eunice, try--

888 Russian Hill.

Take it to 459 Dirello Street. Deliver it to the boys on the second floor.

459 Dirello Street.

JUDY: Hi. -lt's all settled.

Eunice is gonna meet us there. It's going to work.

-Sure. What can go wrong? -Please, don't you say that.

Just tell Mr. Larrabee that Eunice is Eunice and the Eunice he thinks is Eunice, isn't.

Right. And what will you say?

-About what? -Yourself.

-l'll say l'm the girl you picked up-- -You don't say that. Don't say anything.

-Right. I just sit there and nod. -Yes.

And then this whole terrible episode will be over.

-What about us? -And us, we'll say goodbye.

It's that simple. I think.

Okay. You go get a taxi. I'll be out in a minute.

Miss Eunice Burns, please.

[PHONE RlNGS]

-Yes? -This is Sylvia, Mr. Larrabee's secretary.

-There has been a mix-up in the invitation. -Yes?

Yes. The luncheon has been switched to one of the Larrabee Foundation offices.

-Mr. Bannister has already gone-- -l've managed to catch and tell him.

-The address is-- Do you have a pencil? -Yes.

459 Dirello Street.

-Dirello. -Yes, second floor.

-l see. Well, thank you, Miss-- -Louise.

-l thought you said Sylvia? -Yeah. Sylvia-Louise, with a hyphen.

Excuse me.

Ah! Robbed! Oh, my jewels!

Help! Oh, my jewels!

Thieves! Robbers! Thieves!

[VAN HOSKINS CRYlNG]

Are you--? You're sure this is the right address?

459 Dirello. You don't want me to wait, do you?

-Yes, I do. -l didn't think so.

[TlRES SCREECHING]

[STAlRS CREAKlNG]

Hello? Hello?

Is any--? Hello? Hello?

Uh--

This can't be the Larrabee--?

Why, those are Howard's.

What on earth are you doing with Howard Bannister's rocks?

Uh....

[WHlMPERlNG]

Thank you very much.

[CHATTERlNG]

Ah, there they are, our two stars. Congratulations, Howard.

-Thank you, Mr. Larrabee. -Frederick.

Frederick. Now, l have something to tell you.

I want you to come with me, Burnsy, and meet my friends.

-Wait-- -May I take that, sir?

Oh, no, thank you. l'll hold on to it.

I see you're all dressed up for a celebration. What happened, Bollister?

-Bannister. -All of your other clothes burn up, hm?

LΑRRABEE: You remember our Mr. Simon. SlMON: Miss Burns, isn't it?

-No. It's, um, Burnsy. LΑRRABEE: Of course, of course.

-Ladies and gentlemen and Mr. Larrabee. -Frederick.

And Mr. Frederick. What I wanna say--

What Howard is trying to say is how much he appreciates your hospitality...

...and how many times we'll think of you back in Iowa.

What compelling sentiments. Pfft!

Did anyone ever tell you that you were very, very sexy?

-Well, actually, no. -They never will.

I myself have a little announcement to make that may be of some interest.

My natural curiosity was aroused and so l did a little research...

...on Mr. Bankister and Miss Burns and l think--

I think it can wait until Howard has given us a little recital on those famous rocks of his.

How about it, Howard?

Oh, all right.

LΑRRABEE: For those of you unfamiliar with Dr. Bannister's theory...

...of percussional and prehistoric and rhythmical communication...

...let me try to point out--

JUDY: What's the matter? LΑRRABEE: l'm sorry.

HOWARD: l think-- -Something the matter?

Wrong case.

Identical traveling cases. Sweet, isn't it?

MAN: Mr. Larrabee, l want to ask-- LΑRRABEE: What were you saying...?

I think a slight mistake has been made somewhere.

The slight mistake, mesdames et messieurs...

...is in the so-called identity of these alleged colleagues.

I don't know who he is, but she is definitely not herself.

-What are you babbling about, Simon? SMlTH: Nobody move.

Get over there.

[WOMAN SPEAKlNG IN FORElGN LΑNGUΑGE]

I want that case.

-Which one? -What?

-Which one? -Either one! Slide it over here.

Don't move. Get away from that case.

This is inexcusable. You can't come in here uninvited.

JONES: Stand back, all of you.

All I want is that one or that one or maybe that one. Throw that up here.

Howard! Howard! They've got your rocks!

-Don't nobody do nothing. LΑRRABEE: This is unheard of.

THUG: Throw down the case and the gun.

-Don't shoot me. l'm part ltalian. THUG: Button it!

-Don't kick those rocks, you philistine! THUG: Shut up!

LΑRRABEE: Don't you dare strike that brave, unbalanced woman!

Mister?

[WOMAN SHOUTlNG IN FORElGN LΑNGUΑGE]

LΑRRABEE: Grab his leg!

Give me that. Give me that.

[JUDY SCREΑMING]

-Hi. Having fun? -l can't find my rocks.

-Swipe the cases. -Which?

All of them.

EUNlCE: Get him! Get him! l'll get--

No! No, no, no.

Ah!

HOWARD: How many cases are there? JUDY: There's four.

HOWARD: l've got three. JUDY: Give me one.

[CΑR HORN HONKlNG]

JUDY: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

In here. Stick them in here.

Okay.

-Okay. How are your legs? -My legs?

Never mind. Push.

[CΑR HORN HONKlNG]

Hey!

THUG: They went that way.

-Come on. -What?

-Get on! -Oh.

-Ah! -Whoo! Come on, Steve! You can do it!

-My name is Howard. -Ah!

Great! Whoo!

THUG: We're gonna lose them if you don't hurry up.

SlMON: Sir, l remind you that l had--

EUNlCE: Stop yelling at me!

JONES: Follow that cab! I'm with the government!

Oh, all right.

HOWARD: Here they come. -Hang on!

[BOTH SCREΑMING]

-Come on, Harry, keep going. -Yeah. Yeah.

[SIMON WHlMPERlNG]

Uh-oh!

[TlRES SCREECHING]

-You're in my way. l can't see! -Oh, no!

-What is it? -Don't ask.

[JUDY SCREΑMING]

[TlRES SCREECHING]

[JUDY GRUNTING]

-Oh, no. -Oh, no.

[JUDY SCREΑMS]

-Put on the breaks. -l am.

[BAND PLAYlNG]

-No! -Ah!

[PEOPLE SCREΑMING]

Where are we? l can't see.

There's not much to see, actually. We're inside a Chinese dragon.

[PEOPLE LΑUGHlNG]

[TlRES SCREECHING & HORNS HONKING]

[HORNS HONKING]

What's the matter with you?

Let's go.

[CΑR HORN HONKlNG

[TlRES SCREECHING]

Oh, God.

I know where the alley comes out.

-Come on, I'll drive. -All right, let's go.

[CHURCH BELL RlNGING]

JUDY: Oh, I got an idea. HOWARD: What?

JUDY: Follow me. HOWARD: What? What's the idea?

JUDY: Stick with me, kid. HOWARD: Oh, no. No.

Thank you very much.

-This is a terrible thing we're doing. -lt's fantastic you're gonna love it.

HOWARD: I'm sorry, we'll be right back.

[HORNS HONKING]

[TlRES SCREECHING]

What are you doing? This is a one-way street.

-We're only going one way. -Ah!

[HOWARD SCREΑMING]

-Look out. Look out. -l am looking out.

Oh, no.

-What are you doing? -Driving.

-l know that. -For the first time.

-What? -lt's a cinch.

-What does this thing do over here? -Oh, let me do it.

Look out for that thing. Look out--

-Will you turn off those things? -How?

That's the radio.

[BLUEGRASS MUSlC PLAYlNG ON RΑDlO]

How we doing?

Ah! Here they come! Turn here.

Okay, l'm turning.

[TlRES SCREECHING]

-Ooh! Hey, look at that, go up there. -What? No.

Yes!

Duck.

-Now what? -Back up.

I knew you'd say that.

Where are they?

-Will you help me? -Frederick.

-Frederick. -l will.

-Will you help me? -Yes, I will.

-Who are you? -l am Eunice Burns.

Who cares who she is? We're going to be killed.

-We'll all be killed. GUNMAN: Shut up!

[BLUEGRASS MUSlC PLAYlNG ON RΑDlO]

I think we lost them.

-Could you turn the radio off please? -Oh, sure.

-l better turn down there to be sure. -Okay.

JUDY: Sorry.

JUDY: Ah!

Oh, they're gaining on us.

I think there's a good road...

-...right down there. -Okay.

-l can't see where we're going. -Let me clean your glasses.

Now, l really can't see.

-Judy, l can't see. -Here. Ah!

Oh, God, l can see.

[SHlP'S HORN BLOWlNG]

-They're heading for the ferry. -Follow them.

Okay.

-We can make it. -No.

JUDY: We can make it.

I don't think we can make it.

-Where are they going? -Huh?

[JONES SCREAMlNG]

[POLlCE SlRENS WAILING]

LΑRRABEE: Help. I mean, no.

EUNlCE: Why don't--? -No, I-- l'll help you.

[SIRENS WAlLlNG]

[SPEΑKING IN FOREIGN LΑNGUAGE]

COPS: Ah!

Look at them.

They're a foul and depraved-looking lot, bailiff.

Those are just the spectators, Your Honor.

Of course, I-- Well, get on with it.

All stand!

All those present, let it be known court is now in session.

As of this day, the 30th of July, 1 972.

His Honor Marvin B. Maxwell presiding.

Sit down.

I don't want any noise tonight. I don't want any disturbances...

...or demonstrations of any kind.

I want peace and calm and order.

If there is any nonsense of any sort, I will be merciless. Merciless.

Is that clearly understood?

-Do you think they understood that, bailiff? -Yes, sir, l'm sure they did.

Let's get tonight's horror show on the road.

[SNEEZES]

-ls Your Honor feeling all right? -No, My Honor is not feeling all right.

My head is pounding, my metabolism has practically ceased to function...

-...and my nerves are completely shot. -That's too bad, sir.

Do you have any idea what it's like to sit here night after night...

...and watch this endless parade of human debris floating by?

Sir, of course, l have.

Oh, no, you don't. You don't have to make up your mind...

...whether to put them away in some ghastly hellhole...

...or turn them all loose to commit some other hideous offense.

I'd like to send every one of them to an island somewhere...

...wrapped in heavy chains.

-Do you know why I don't, bailiff? -Why, Judge?

Compassion.

I just have too much compassion.

And that's why l'm a wreck.

-You see this yellow pill? -Yes, sir.

-You know what it's for? -What, judge?

To remind me to take this blue pill.

What's the blue one for, judge?

I don't know.

They're afraid to tell me.

BALIFF: I think it'll be pretty quiet tonight.

EUNlCE: Well, l know that that was deliberate.

You just have no right pushing. I don't care--

[ALL SHOUTlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

THUG: l was fighting, l was fighting. -You rip that.

[ALL SHOUTlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

JUDGE: Silence!

Silence, silence, silence!

[PEOPLE STOP SHOUTlNG]

Shut up.

Everyone.

Now, if there are any further outburst of this nature...

...l'm gonna give somebody orders to shoot to kill.

You've made me smash my Life Savers.

Now, we're gonna get this story calmly and clearly.

First of all, just what the devil are these?

-My rocks. -My jewelry.

Uh-uh. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

-Whom to these cases belong to? -Government.

-The people. -l want my bike back.

I'll give your bike back.

I'll give you a broken back if you don't be quiet.

Officer.

-What are these people being charged with? -Well, that's kind of hard to say, judge.

Give it a shot.

Well, sir, we picked some of them out of San Francisco Bay.

-Entering the country illegally? -No, sir, they drove in.

-lnto the country? -lnto the bay.

Oh, that's better.

Unauthorized use of public waters, huh?

Mostly in stolen cars.

Oh, that's grand larceny.

Then there was a shooting.

That's assault with a deadly weapon.

They broke into my home.

That's breaking and entering.

And they brought her with them forcibly.

That's kidnapping.

They tried to molest me.

That's unbelievable.

Your Honor, I can clear all this up in 1 0 seconds.

JUDGE: You do, and you'll get a prize.

-May I approach the bench? -Yes. Watch him like a hawk.

As you can see, I represent our government.

MAN: God bless it.

JUDGE: Oh, shut up. Go on.

I have been following this person's movements for quite some time.

And l can prove that he is in unauthorized possession of secret government underwear.

Underwear?

-Get the court psychiatrist. HOWARD: Those might be my rocks.

-Bring straight jackets in assorted sizes. -The people have a right to know.

[CROWD SHOUTING lNDISTINCTLY]

Order in the court! Order in the court!

-Everyone be quiet! Silence! -Everyone be quiet! Silence!

-You too. -Me too.

Now, this is a court of law.

My court of law.

It may not look like much to you, but it's all l've got.

Now, ordinarily, I would threaten you with contempt...

...but in this case, and I think the Supreme Court will back me up on this...

...l am seriously considering setting up a torture chamber.

Now...

...l want this whole ridiculous story told by one person.

Does anybody think they can handle it?

All right. Αnd while he's telling it, the rest of you keep whips...

...red-hot irons in the back of your minds.

Sir, my name is Howard Bannister and l'm from Ames, lowa.

No excuse.

It all started when l bumped my head in the taxi on the way in from the airport.

-Are you pleading insanity or amnesia? -Neither.

When I went to get something for a headache...

...the druggist tried to charge me for a radio. She said her husband would pay.

But l didn't, of course.

Of course.

She ripped my jacket and when Eunice came along--

-Who's Eunice? -Well, Eunice is my fiancèe.

You have a wife and fiancèe?

No, sir. But she kept calling me Steve.

Your own fiancèe calls you Steve?

No, sir, my wife.

Or rather the one who isn't my wife.

Well, what does the one who isn't your fiancèe call you? Howard?

The one who isn't my fiancèe doesn't call me Howard.

The one who isn't my wife doesn't call me Howard.

Because the one who isn't my fiancèe is also the one who isn't my wife.

The other one who isn't my wife, who is my fiancèe, doesn't call me Steve.

She calls me Howard. Do you see?

Let's just skip over this part and move on.

Anyway, that night at the banquet she was there again.

-Who was there, your wife or your fiancèe? -Neither.

-There's a third? -No, sir. The one who isn't either.

Everyone was calling her Burnsy.

-Why? -That's short for Burns, Eunice's last name.

-So Eunice was there. -No, sir.

Burnsy was there, or rather, the one who isn't Burnsy.

I think I wanna skip over this part too.

That night, I went to my room and she was taking a bath.

Who was there? No, no, don't tell me, just go on.

When Eunice walked in and the drapes caught fire...

...they asked me to leave. I don't blame them.

Good boy.

-ls there more? -Sure.

-There's more. -Well, the next day, today...

...Mr. Larrabee asked me to his house with my rocks and Eunice.

Or Burnsy, the one he thinks is Eunice.

-ls that clear? -No, but it's consistent.

-Shall I go back over it? -Oh, no, please, l beg you.

No, no, no, just go on.

Well, it gets kind of complicated now.

First, there was trouble between me and Hugh.

-You and me? -No, not you.

-Hugh. -l am Hugh.

-You are me? -No, I am Hugh.

Stop saying that.

Make him stop saying that.

-Don't touch me, l'm a doctor. -Of what?

-Music. -Can you fix a hi-fi?

-No, sir. -Then shut up.

Well, anyway, he came in and tried to get my case.

And then he came in, tried to get his case.

Then they came in, tried to get all cases, then shooting started.

They forced me to come. I was out in the car the whole time.

THUG: You little fink, you brought the stuff to us.

[CROWD SHOUTING]

Silence. Silence.

Silence!

Order! Now this is my last warning!

I intend to get to the bottom of this web of deceit and confusion...

...if it takes me the rest of my life, which may end at any minute.

Now, you. You in the blanket.

You seem to have caused all this.

Exactly what have you got to say for yourself?

-Judy. -Hello, Daddy.

[SIGHS]

Got your rocks back.

Got your things back.

-Going somewhere? -Back to school.

-Another one. -Heh, heh. Sure.

According to the 1 970 enrollment study...

...there are one 1 145 institutions of higher education.

So l've got quite a few to go.

[JUDY SlGHS]

Hey, look at that.

Could you give me information about flights to Rio de Janeiro?

Yes.

It wasn't all so bad, was it?

I mean, of course, it was terrible, that they took the grant away from you.

They had to do that.

The Larrabee Foundation just isn't used to having to bail its founder out ofjail.

There are a lot of other grants, you know?

-l was reading just-- -l wish you wouldn't tell me about it.

You have this way of making everything sound reasonable...

...and then rooms begin to burn, people start to chase people--

Hey, look at that.

-l owe you 20,000 bucks. -Don't be silly.

Listen, if I paid you off at $1 0 a week, we'd be even, um...

-...in 38 years, five months. -You did that fast.

-New math, Mount Holyoke. VAN HOSKlNS: Miss Maxwell.

-Hello, young man. JUDY: Mrs. Van Hoskins.

Now, there was a $20,000 reward for the return of my jewels.

-Twenty thousand. -l paid for the damage done...

...to your room, that was $2800.

And then that little car you were in, that was $2400.

Of course, the two other cars, let me see, there was $3400 for the taxi-- Ha, ha, ha.

I guess I'd better have my little list, Michael. Heh, heh.

Oh, yes, of course, 2600 for the other.

Now the pane of glass you broke was 1 600.

Damages to a costume store, a restaurant, a delivery cart...

...and-- Ha, ha, ha. Goodness me, a Chinese dragon, $3850.

One canopy, 2300 and $1 000 in court costs...

-...making a grand total of $1 9,950. -$1 9,950.

Leaving $50 to be split between you two...

...and the cab driver and that dear little old man...

...and, of course, the gentlemen from the government.

-And there you are, my dear. -Thank you.

And God bless you. Michael.

Hey, that leaves only 38 years, five months and one week to go.

Sometimes it's kind of fun.

-l know, but-- -Don't tell me, you need peace and quiet.

-That's right. -That's right.

-You'll miss me. -l know that too.

[SIGHS]

Well....

EUNlCE: Howard. Howard Bannister.

-We have come to see Mr. Simon off. HOWARD: What are you doing?

LΑRRABEE: Sorry about-- -No hard feelings, Bannister?

LΑRRABEE: C'est la vie. -C'est la dreck.

Well, l will be catching my plane now, so it will be arrivederci to all.

-Don't forget this, Simon. -What?

The check. Would you care to have just a look at it, Bannister?

-That's very nice. -You deserved it, Howard, you really did.

Well, l suppose there are some who think there's some merit...

...in the study of prehistoric mineral tampings...

...but l think the Hugh Simon theory of Swiss scale patterns...

-...will stand the test of time. -What is that theory, Mr. Simon?

-l doubt you're qualified to understand it. -Try me.

The Simon theory advances the notion that 1 6th and1 7th century Swiss composers...

...developed a uni-tonic scale pattern...

...based upon the uniform intervals utilized in the mountaineer yodel.

-You developed this? -l invented it.

That should come as some shock to Professor Findelmeyer.

-What? -The Findelmeyer Proposition.

I don't know what you're talking about. Besides that has never been translated.

Just once. 1 925, Harvard Press Musicological Review.

-Out of print now-- LΑRRABEE: Of course!

Professor Hydrich Findelmeyer, the University of Zurich, 1 91 1 .

The controversial Findelmeyer Proposition. No wonder it sounded so familiar.

-l'm sorry, Simon. -This is unspeakable.

Simon, you're a plagiarist. What's worse, you're a bad loser.

And you're nasty. l don't like you and l want you to go away.

Howard, the foundation will make out a new check...

-...and send it to the conservatory. -Thank you, Mr. Larrabee.

-Frederick. SlMON: Frederick.

[SPEΑKING IN FOREIGN LΑNGUAGE]

[LΑUGHlNG]

Howard, l've asked Eunice to stay on with me for a few days.

-ln separate quarters, of course. -Of course.

We've shared a great deal in the past day or so, and I think perhaps....

-Well, you know what I mean. EUNlCE: Goodbye, Howard.

You'd better hurry or you'll miss your plane.

Come, Frederick, now it is 1 2:05 and the lecture starts promptly at 1 .

Well, Judy, l guess--

Judy?

Judy.

WOMAN [ON PA]: United Airlines Flight 634, boarding through Gate 62.

["LOONEY TUNES" THEME PLAYlNG ON TV]

WOMAN: What? Huh? No, no, I'm a transfer student.

No, not the university, the Conservatory of Music.

It's in Αmes. You never heard of it?

It's a small conservatory, but there are those who love it.

There's a professor l hope to study with, a brilliant man, Dr. Howard Bannister.

No, "Bannister," as in "sliding down the."

You have heard of him?

Yeah, that's right, the nut with the rocks.

What's up, doc?

Did you happen to know that l love you?

-Yeah. -You did? Do?

Listen, kiddo, you can't fight a tidal wave.

About those things I said...

...l mean, the way I acted back there, I'm sorry.

Let me tell you something.

Love means never having to say you're sorry.

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

["LOONEY TUNES" MUSlC PLAYlNG ON TV]

BOTH [SINGlNG]: What's

Up

Doc?

["LOONEY TUNES" THEME PLAYlNG ON TV]

That's all, folks.

[ENGLISH - US - SDH]