All language subtitles for The Golden Girls - 05x03 - The Accurate Conception

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road
and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card attached
would say

♪ "Thank you
for being a friend" ♪

Morning. Oh, you've already
got breakfast ready.

Becky and I were up
till all hours talking.

You know, my daughter and I haven't
had a talk like that since...

...ever.
It must've been fun.

Oh, yeah. We did each other's
hair and laughed and laughed.

I can see why.

Ma, why are you still here?

You were supposed to have your checkup with Dr.
Siegel this morning.

Oh, you didn't hear about Dr.
Siegel. Hear what?

I'm not going.

Ma, you are impossible.

Now, this is the third
appointment you've missed.

At my age, checkups can be
dangerous to your health.

You know Sam down the block,
the one who thinks

he's hiding his stomach
by wearing Hawaiian shirts?

Yeah, Sam is fine.

His brother went for a checkup
seven years ago.

The doctor said he was great.

Three days after the exam,
he was dead.

Ma, he owed money
to a guy named Face

and got thrown off a pier.

That was one of the causes.

I'm not going.
You're going.

Rose, could you give me a hand?
Oh, sure.

If you will excuse me,

Becky and I are having
breakfast on the lanai.

We're still bonding.

Dorothy, how come
we never bond?

We're from before bonding
and quality time.

We're from when people stayed
together because they had no choice.

Ma, would I be insisting
on this checkup

if I didn't care about you?

Why can't we just do each other's
hair like Blanche and her daughter?

Oh, look, Ma. I know you're scared.
I'll go with you.

Look, when I was little, didn't you
make me go and get all my shots?

I had to lie to you and tell you
we were going on the pony rides,

and you fell for it
time after time.

Just like Pavlov's dog,

only dumber.

OK, OK, Ma, if you don't
wanna go to the doctor,

you don't have to go
to the doctor. All right?

I'll tell you what. Why don't we
spend tomorrow afternoon together?

We'll work on our bonding.

I'll take you to Wolfie's for an egg cream.
A chocolate egg cream?

You betcha.
Oh, boy!

A chocolate egg cream!

Forget it, Dorothy.

I smell a pony ride.

Oh, you know, I think this is
the best visit we've ever had.

I think it's because you've
realized I'm a grown woman.

Well, I never thought
the day would come,

but we are finally
the same age.

Why don't you stay longer?

Oh, Mama.

I can't stay because...

We're telling each other
everything, right?

Everything.
No more secrets.

Oh, good.

Mama...
Mm-hmm?

I'm getting impregnated
on Monday.

I've decided the best thing for
me is to go to a sperm bank

and get artificially
inseminated.

Why would you do something
like this? Just to hurt me?

Mama, try to understand.

I can't pass a carriage
without looking in.

I heard my biological clock
ticking so loudly,

it was keeping me up at night.

A baby should be doing that.

Well, why don't you wait
till you get married?

I don't wanna get married.

Well, then at least wait
until I'm dead.

You really mean that?
Yes, I do.

And wait until
all my friends are dead, too.

The last thing I need
is whispering at my funeral.

I can't believe
you're reacting like this.

We got so close this past week,

I thought
I could tell you anything.

Anything but this.

Well, Mama, I'm gonna do this
whether you like it or not.

Oh. Oh, I see, missy.

So, this is the thanks I get

for all those cold nights
when you were a baby crying

and I'd have to get up
out of bed

and grope around in the dark
for my slippers and robe,

make my way
all the way downstairs

and scream for the governess?

Hungry or suicidal?

It's not easy being the mother of
a child with her own free will.

I knew I felt
the refrigerator open.

What's wrong?
You've been upset all day.

It's Rebecca.
I just don't understand.

Why didn't somebody tell me
it was dinnertime?

Ma, it's not dinner,
it's the middle of the night.

Good, then I'm dressed for it.

Blanche is upset.

Well, you would be too,
if your daughter...

Oh, I can't even say it.
What could have happened?

The two of you
were getting so close.

My little girl is gonna have a
baby by artificial insemination.

I just can't bear
to think about it.

I'm just being silly, aren't I?

For God's sake,
somebody say something!

Eww.

Big help.

Dorothy, what about you?
You're always the sensible one around here,

the free, modern thinker
who keeps up with the times.

Now, what do you think?

Eww.

No wonder I'm up
in the middle of the night

working my way
through the cheese keeper.

Thank God I don't have
the thighs of a normal woman.

I tried to talk her out of it.

She says she has thought it through
and there is no changing her mind.

Well, it might not be so bad.

In fact, just last week
I was reading

that you can buy the sperm
of Nobel Prize winners.

Or was it Star Search winners?

Buy?

Well, sperm used to be free.
It was all over the place.

On the farm a lot of the animals
got artificially inseminated.

Once Harry the bull went through
a whole spring unaroused

and the cows and my father were
out of their minds with grief.

I mean,
you haven't seen anything

till you've seen
a frustrated cow.

They can get this crazed look
in their eye

and you know they're thinking,
"Where's mine?"

"Where's mine?"

Cows have feelings, too.

Anyway, when Harry
really got lazy

Dad had to bring in Mr.
Hoffenheisen to spread the seed.

He did it
in the most unusual way.

He'd put on this really long
rubber glove.

Rose, that's a terrific story
and surprisingly on-subject

but I don't think
that Blanche wants to hear

about uncontented cows
right now.

It's not that I mind becoming
a young grandmother again.

Nobody believes it anyway.
Please.

It's just that
it seems so unnatural.

No daddy for the baby.

And no fun trying.

I'm gonna have to agree
with Blanche on this one.

Half the fun is
in getting there.

And boy, did your father and I
have fun trying for you.

Ma, I don't think
I wanna hear this.

I wasn't gonna tell you
until you're 60,

but I think you can
handle it now.

We lived in New York
at the time

and there was the San Genarro
festival every year.

And your father, may he rest
in peace until I get there,

got so turned on
by the festivities one year

he couldn't wait
till we got home.

Oh, Ma...

So he took me right there

behind the sausage
and pepper stand.

Hey, we were
behind the garbage cans.

It's not like we were
in front of everybody.

I can relate to
the festivities part, Sophia.

All our children were conceived
on special St. Olaf holidays.

Adam was conceived
on the Day of the Princess Pig

when they had the pig crowning,

and Jeanella was conceived
on Hay Day.

That's the day
we St. Olafians celebrate hay.

Rose, do you think
you could wrap this up

before Rebecca goes into labor?

Then there was
the Day of the Wheat

when everybody came to town
dressed as sandwiches.

Charlie and I forgot
to put cheese between us

and before I knew it,
there was Kirsten.

Look, Blanche, what Rebecca is
doing is really not so terrible.

I mean, look,
among the four of us,

each of us conceived our
children in a different way.

I was totally unconscious.

When I came to, there was Stan,

carving a notch
in his dashboard.

I never bought
that unconscious story.

I swear. He must've
slipped me something.

Apparently.

But at least what we all did
was natural.

Well, not all the time.

There's some other stuff,

but I probably shouldn't
tell you till you're 70.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Becky.
Have you seen my mother?

She mentioned something about having a headache.
I think she's in her room.

Hanging herself.

Oh, hi, everybody.
Oh, how are you feeling?

Oh, much better.
Say, how about going out to dinner?

Have some fun.
Mama, can we talk for a minute?

I'll make the reservations.
Where would you like to eat?

I want you to be part of the process.
Oh, Becky.

Honey, I think you are
headed for trouble,

going off by yourself
like this.

No man is gonna want
to marry you with a baby.

Blanche, there are a lot of
people who are single parents

and they're doing just fine.

Yeah, look at me.

The right man could be
just around the corner.

And he may not be.

I may turn around a dozen
corners and not find anyone.

So, instead of trying,

you're just gonna give up
and do this crazy baby thing?

"Crazy baby thing"?

What I am doing, Mother,
is taking control of my life

and having the family I need.

Well, I would certainly never
have a baby artificially

and I do not approve
of you doing it either!

Well, if that's the way
you want it, Mama,

then you're gonna lose me
and your grandchild.

Ah, there you are.

Ma, I scheduled the appointment
for your checkup.

Ma, you know you
have to have a physical.

What do you want me to do? Take you to court?
Have you declared incompetent?

I'm not incompetent.
Once when I laughed too hard,

I had a little accident.

Can I fix you some breakfast, honey?
No, thanks.

Oh, I just feel terrible.

If I'm gonna spend the night
tossing and turning

at least I wanna wake up
smelling like aftershave.

Morning.
Good morning, Rebecca.

I got up early
and did some research.

There's a sperm bank
not far from here.

How convenient.

No kidding. Do they have
a drive-up window?

I thought, Mama, that
we could go down there

and once you see
these places are legitimate,

you won't be so upset.

I don't want to go
to a place like that.

It's too embarrassing.

What if one of the neighbors saw me going in?
What would they think?

That you're picking something up
for a much younger person.

Mama, please.

It's really important to me.

Blanche, would it help
if I were to go with you?

Well... I'll come too.
I'll bring my camera.

It's never too soon
to start a baby book.

Oh, boy, we're going
to a sperm bank.

I can't think of a better way
to pep up a slow day.

Ma, you're not going.
Why not?

I don't think you should be
doing anything as strenuous

as going to a sperm bank until
you've had that checkup. Too bad.

All right, I'll go to the doctor, but
this better be a great sperm bank.

So, I guess we're going?
Oh, I guess.

What does one wear
to a sperm bank?

Something attractive in rubber.

I have that.

Did you see the way those people
on the elevator looked at us

when you pushed "5"?
I'm so embarrassed.

Mama, they didn't
look at us at all.

They didn't want to make
eye contact with anybody

going to the fifth floor -
the sperm floor.

I think you're overreacting.

Perverts looked at us
like we were perverts.

I know that look.

I thought it'd be
more bank-like.

What did you expect, Rose?

I hardly think they have
a Christmas club.

Hi. I'm Rebecca Devereaux.

We have an appointment
with Dr. Manning.

Right. He'll be with you
in just a few minutes.

Why don't you have a seat and
I'll call you when he's ready.

I'm not here for me.
It's for a friend.

How did things go
at the doctor's, Sophia?

He said I have the body
of a 40-year-old.

A dead 40-year-old.

The doctor's gonna be
a little while.

I guess we oughta sit down.
I suppose it's safe.

Mama, you're acting silly.

Sperm can't live
outside the human body.

Does your mother know you're
doing this for a living?

You know, I'm not so sure sperm
can't live outside the body.

Back during World War II, my best
friend Claire Osterhaus's husband

was in the army
and stationed in France.

Well, five months
after he left St. Olaf,

she got pregnant.

A lot of people thought
she was fooling around,

but she told me that sperm
must have swum from Normandy.

Across the Atlantic,
up the St. Lawrence Seaway,

into the Great Lakes
and then over to Minnesota.

And what did you think, Rose?

Well, I know those little guys

are supposed
to be good swimmers...

but I think it had
to come over by mail.

I bet this is more fun
than giving blood.

I've waited long enough.
That doctor has wasted enough of my time.

Come on. Miss Devereaux, the
doctor will see you now.

Through that door,
end of the hall.

Come on, Mama.

Eyes straight, ladies.
Ma, no opening doors.

And that's pretty much
the procedure.

Rebecca will be taken care of
by her own doctor

after selecting a donor

from thousands of
acceptable possibilities.

Any questions?
Plenty.

Can just anybody walk in
off the street

and make my daughter pregnant?

We screen the applicants very carefully.
We know everything about them.

We know their body type,
their IQ, their eye color...

Any more questions?
Yes, just one.

What in hell are we doing here?

I feel like I'm in the middle
of some awful dream,

yet I know it can't be a dream
'cause there are no boy dancers.

Mother!
I just cannot believe

you are actually gonna give
money to someone like this...

sperm pusher.

You are a Devereaux.

A Devereaux has never had to pay for it.
I certainly haven't.

She's always depended on
the kindness of strangers.

Fine. Fine. Make jokes.

I'd just like to know
how you-all would feel

if you thought you were gonna have
a test tube for a son-in-law.

Sorry, Doctor. I thought my mother
was open enough to understand.

Thank you for your time.
Ladies.

Just outta curiosity,

you don't have any Tony Bennett
socked away, do you?

Blanche, your daughter is about
to leave for the airport.

What the hell
are you doing out here?

Well, there's still some sun.
I thought I might get a little color.

Blanche, this has to be absolutely the
dumbest thing you could possibly do.

Dorothy's right.
The sun's rays can be dangerous

now there's a hole
in the ozone layer.

If you-all are out
here to try to get me

to patch things up with Rebecca,
you can forget it.

Blanche, there comes
a time when you have to

let your daughter
make her own decisions.

I remember, Dorothy, when you were
deciding what you wanted to be.

Ah, yeah.

I wanted to go to college
and be a schoolteacher.

Pop wanted me to be a cosmetician
in a funeral parlor.

He always liked looking
at dead people.

Dead people and the Dodgers.

That was it for him
in the good-time department.

Sometimes,
just to make him happy,

I used to lie in bed
with a baseball hat on.

Blanche, the point is,
she let me make my own choices.

Now, this argument that
you're having with Rebecca

is not about
artificial insemination.

Like hell it isn't.
Well, part of it is,

but the bigger part,
Blanche, is about control.

You refuse to see
your daughter as an adult

with the right to make
her own decisions.

Honey, you're gonna
have to learn to let go.

Yes, and the more you try to make her
see things the way you see things,

the more she'll resist,

and then you run the risk
of never seeing her again.

And never seeing
your grandchild.

Never.

Think about it, Blanche.

Oh, damn, I don't want that
to happen.

Then I suggest you apologize.

I know Rebecca
is a grown woman,

but to me she's still
just a little girl.

How do you say "I'm sorry"
to your own child?

Especially after all those years
of sending them to their room

until they were ready
to apologize to you.

Now all of a sudden everything's
just all topsy-turvy.

I don't know if I can do it.

Maybe it'd help
if I sent you to your room.

(Blanche) Oh.

Rebecca.

Uh, honey...

Oh...

I'm... (clears throat)

I'm...

I... Oh, come on, Blanche.
Say it. "I'm sorry."

There. What she just said.

Oh, there.
I knew you could do it.

Oh, I've just been so dumb
about this whole thing.

I should've respected
what you wanted to do.

You really mean that?
Yes, I do.

Let me drive you to the airport

and we'll think up baby names
on the way.

Great. I'll go get rid
of the cab.

Oh...

Blanche, Blanche,
you did the right thing.

Thank you. Thank you.
You girls were right.

And, hey, listen.

If my daughter wants to get
herself artificially inseminated,

I guess that's not so bad.

Eww.