Original subtitles

.

- Okay, uh, Jay, I'm putting you in Grocery.

Sandra, we haven't even started the Cosmetics reset,

so can you get on that?

- Got it. - Okay, Carol...

I'm moving you off the register,

and, Cheyenne, I need you in Jewelry.

- What? Then no one's covering Housewares.

- I mean, if somebody finds a way

to shoplift a couch, then they deserve it.

- I get that that's a joke, but in all seriousness, guys,

if you do see someone taking a couch,

walkie oh-three-five.

See something, say something.

- And, also, corporate is asking us to cut hours again.

[all groaning]

Yes, I know. I agree. It sucks.

- We can barely keep up with everything there is to do now.

- Yeah, it already looks

like the day after the Fyre Festival in here.

- I said the exact same thing yesterday.

- Oh, did you really? 'Cause I wasn't in Grocery at the time,

so I couldn't have heard you.

- Yeah, this place is a mess.

Did you guys see this picture somebody tweeted?

It's just a bunch of beef in a shopping cart.

- What? - "Less Meat, More Filling."

What does that even mean? - It's a pun.

Remember that commercial-- "Tastes Great, Less Filling"?

- In what world is that a pun? - I get it.

- That picture could be from any Cloud 9.

- No, I think it was ours.

[all groaning]

- Can somebody please take care of that?

- Dibs! Yes.

[upbeat music]

♪

[light music]

♪

- What do we think happened here?

- Overdose?

- Ah, Bob didn't even drink.

His wife's been flirting with that tennis pro

over in Fitness with the big arms and no head.

I'd start there.

- I swear, it's like every time we solve one problem,

another one pops up.

I feel like I'm playing Whac-A-Mole.

That can't still be a game, can it?

With the hitting animals? Never mind.

- We're just too understaffed.

- Yeah. No, I-I know. I keep telling corporate,

but they just don't believe me.

- Yeah, because every time they cut hours,

we push ourselves even harder to make it work,

which they think just proves we never needed the hours

to begin with, and so they just keep cutting and cutting

until something like this happens.

- Poor guy.

- He had kids. - He had kids?

- Yeah. They've been playing soccer

over in Toys and Games for the last three months.

- I don't know what I'm gonna do

if they keep cutting back our hours. I got bills!

- I saw this methadone study that pays pretty well,

but they said I'd have to get addicted to heroin first.

So that's another expense.

- I was thinking of being a surrogate

I mean, my womb is just sitting here empty.

- Ooh, highly recommend!

The money's good and your nipples get super sensitive.

- I guess I'm gonna have to have a garage sale

or something.

- I don't have anything to sell.

- You have, like, 83 pairs of sneakers, and you can't walk.

- Yeah? You got a bunch of hats.

You don't bounce around on your head all day.

- Ah, fair enough.

- Well, no one will even hire you

if you're on call here all the time.

That's why I didn't get that job as a shirtless greeter

at Abercrombie & Fitch.

- Oh, I used to have that job, but in a guy's house.

[stammers] I knew him. He was my wrestling coach.

[The Pretenders' "Angel of the Morning" plays]

- ♪ I'm old enough to face the dawn ♪

♪ Just call me angel of the-- ♪

- Hey, Carol, can you cover Sporting Goods for me?

'Cause there's been a gigantic honey spill in Groceries.

It's the hardest of all spills, so this is where I shine.

[chuckles]

- Uh-huh.

- Hey, something bothering you?

If there is, you can talk to me about anything.

- Well...

Sandra's a whore who's [bleep] my boyfriend.

- Okay, well... Wow. Uh...

- She doesn't know that I know, but that's the way I like it.

You can really hurt someone when they don't see it coming.

- Well, sounds like

you've pretty much got that under control.

- It's so good to finally have someone to talk to about this.

- Yeah.

- We have a real father-daughter relationship.

Thank you, Daddy.

- You're welcome.

- No, no. Do the Daddy voice.

- [deep voice] You're welcome, Honey Bear.

- How much do you think I could get for this?

- Oh, no, you're selling that? It's so gorgeous.

- I know, but I need the money.

- Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I was being so sarcastic there, it came off as sincere.

It's hideous. Maybe two dollars?

- [sighs] Maybe there's no point in having a garage sale.

- Well, why can't you just find another way to make money?

- Well, I thought about doing a webcam,

but then Bo said no.

And it's like, why does he get to do one and I don't?

- Excuse me. How much is this?

- You...want to buy that? - Yeah.

- It's $59.99. Yeah, they're selling like crazy.

That's the last one. - Okay.

- Great! I can ring you up here.

Oh, there might be some old birth control pills

in the side pocket there, but you can keep those.

- So we are really concerned about this Twitter photo

of a shopping cart of steaks in your store.

- Uh-huh.

- It's a big warning sign for us.

- Yeah, uh, I-I know that it looked bad,

but--but we threw the steaks out,

and the big honey spill is--is taken care of.

- The what? - The big--

Huh? What?

- Look, are you having trouble handling things over there?

- No. No, I-I-I got it handled.

It's handled.

- So you don't think you need more hours, then?

- Are--you're--you're offering to give me more hours?

I, uh--I didn't--I didn't realize that was an option.

- Of course. I mean, if you need them.

But if you're sure you can handle it

with just the hours you have--

- No, I'll take the hours.

I mean...

Um, maybe. Yeah, we could...

Or not. I mean, yes, definite--

Yeah, definitely, we'll take the hours.

- ♪ I don't know where my soul is ♪

♪ I don't know where my home is ♪

♪ And, baby, all I need for you to know ♪

I've been asking corporate for weeks

to give me more hours, and nothing!

And then one embarrassing photo comes out,

and they're like, "Here you go!"

- See? I told you. They just needed to see that things

would fall apart if they didn't step in.

- You were totally right.

It was my need to be perfect

that was screwing everything up.

- You know, it's crazy how many of your problems

stem from your own excellence. - I know.

We should start encouraging customers

to keep tweeting bad things about us.

- Yeah, w-why stop there?

I mean, we should just create a bunch

of fake Twitter accounts and tweet it ourselves.

- Ha ha. We should totally do that.

- We totally should.

- No, we should actually do that.

- Yeah, I-I thought I was communicating that

with my eyes, but, yeah, yeah, same page.

.

- Just make sure you get the whole--

- No, I got it, I've got it. Okay, and what should it say?

- Um, okay, how about "Cleanup on Aisle Yuck"?

- Eh, I just don't feel like that's MayaJade91's voice.

- "MayaJade91"? What happened to "Steelersfan211"?

- Steelersfan is the one who tweeted

about how gross the bathrooms were.

MayaJade's a little more spiritual,

more in touch with vibrations

and just kind of, like, the energy surrounding things.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah, okay, how about...

"Don't let this chaos dim your inner light,

#Cloud9Fail, #BadDayToWearSandals"?

- Wow. You are really, really good at this.

It's like a one-line character portrait.

- Oh, Amy? Someone left half a cat in Electronics.

- Half a dead cat?

- Well, no. - That's perfect.

- I can't believe this just fell into our lap.

- It's the butt half!

- Ooh, what about this promotional Sinex visor?

- Ugh, that was Jeff's.

He said he wore it ironically, but...

- So you guys are just selling your old crap in the store?

- Vintage. We're selling our vintage crap in the store.

- I got one guy to buy an old bra of mine

just by saying it touched my boobs.

- Wow. It's all in the marketing, huh?

- We set up a special bar code, so anything scanned

gets sent straight to our Venmo account.

- @chateo$biz.

We've already made over $200.

- Seriously?

Maybe I should try selling some of my sneakers.

- I feel like the casino guy.

You're broke.

- ♪ One that won't keep me up all night ♪

♪ One that won't make me sleep all day ♪

♪

♪ One that won't make me nervous ♪

- "Just a normal day in America, #Cloud9Fail."

Unbelievable. - What's going on here?

- Uh, more people are posting photos of the store.

- You're kidding me. - This store?

- "Cloud 9 is looking a little bit cattywampus"?

What does "cattywampus" mean?

- Uh, cattywampus is, I believe,

regional slang for, uh, like, "all messed up."

You know, I think the-- they use it in Arkansas.

Oh, yep, there you go right there--petiteroche22,

that--that just--that means "Little Rock" in French.

- Whoa.

- These just keep going and going.

This is why we shouldn't let customers into the store.

- Wow, bummer. - "Wow, bummer"?

People are tearing us apart, and your reaction is,

"Wow, bummer"?

- No. No.

No, I-I meant that like-- like, "Wow! That's a bummer!

Like, what the hell? I'm up to here with this crap!"

You know, like, "[bleep] these people!"

Ugh!

- [gasps]

[grain pouring]

- That is how people act when they're upset.

- Oh, man. Petiteroche22 is gonna rip

our asses for this one.

- If you're looking for an electric toothbrush,

I'd suggest the Dentafix 100.

- It looks used.

- What? Who would sell a used toothbrush?

We wouldn't sell that.

- This is the newest trend in oral hygiene.

You want a brush that's pre-distressed,

like a nice pair of jeans.

- A friend of mine got one of the old models

with the straight, white bristles.

Tore her gums to shreds.

She had to get new ones from a dead body.

- You have 83 pairs of shoes and none of them light up?

- No, but some of them are pretty valuable.

- Well, yeah. No, I bet.

- Excuse me, um, what could you tell me

about these white Reeboks?

- Oh, yeah, those are the OG 1989 Reebok Pumps.

Classic white-and-blue colorway with the mesh tongue.

I even got the original box and the Pump hang tag.

- I have flat feet. How's the arch support?

- Those are original Reebok Pumps.

When you buy a painting, do you ask how the arch support is?

- I'm just looking for something I can go hiking in.

- Please leave. - What? No, I was just asking--

- Sir, he asked you to leave.

- So we've been noticing a lot more

of these "Cloud9Fail" photos on Twitter.

- Yeah, um, you know, we are trying our best over here,

but we just keep coming up short.

- We really need to take care of this.

- I agree, but I am just all out of ideas.

If you want to suggest anything...

You know, I'm just thinking out loud here,

and I hate to even have to bring this up,

but I kind of feel like if you guys give us back

a few more hours, we could nip this thing

in the bud once and for all.

- Well, actually, we think all of the tweets

have come from an employee at your store.

- Huh?

.

- Hi, my name is Luanne. I'm from Human Resources.

I'm here because an employee

has been tweeting defamatory photos of the store

from fake accounts,

and I'm here to find out who it is

and to hold them responsible. - So who was it?

If you just stand up and come clean about what you did,

I promise nothing will happen to you.

- Well, we will have to fire them.

- I know, but don't say it. We almost had them.

- No, we didn't.

- Okay, well, in the future,

if you could just follow my lead, please. Thank you.

- Excuse me? [scoffs]

How do you know it's one of us?

- Well, all the posts came from the same MAC address,

and that device was logged into the employee WiFi network.

- Who would be dumb enough to send incriminating tweets

from the employee WiFi?

- Well, it wasn't me, because my phone is on airplane mode,

and I do not know how to get it off.

- They were so obvious about it, too.

All the fake customer accounts were created on the same day,

and they each only tweeted once.

- What a dumbass. - Oh, my God.

- Stupid. - Seriously. Idiot.

- All right, well, I don't know how productive it is

to dwell on how stupid this person may or may not be.

I think the point is, whoever did it, knock it off.

You have been warned.

- That's fair. - Okay, well, thank you

so much for coming by, Luanne.

- Sure, but I'm not leaving until we figure this out.

- Oh, good.

- All right, everyone, you're all gonna have

to hand over your phones.

[all grumbling]

- No, we cannot take your devices.

- Luanne! Are you serious right now?

- ♪ I'll run the gun for you and so much more ♪

♪ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble for ya ♪

♪ I'll tumble for--

- What are we gonna do? We need a plan.

- We should have never done this.

Or at least we should've used a burner phone.

- Yeah, great. That's-- Good--good plan.

That's really helpful.

- Okay, well, then what's your plan?

- Well, for starters, neither of us can admit

to sending the tweets.

- Oh, well, that--that's good.

Hold on while I write that down.

"Don't admit to crime."

- Look, if for whatever reason it gets traced back to me,

I'm gonna say that I acted alone.

There's no reason that both of us should lose our jobs.

- Oh, okay.

- [stammers] That was--

that was just kind of, like, a big gesture,

so I thought maybe I'd--I'd get a bigger reaction.

- Yeah. No--

Yeah. No. Yes, of course. Thank you.

But I just--I kind of figured that's what we would do.

- Right.

- Just based on what we both make.

And I have kids. - Yeah.

- It just sort of makes the most sense.

But that was a very nice offer. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's just-- let's just move on, so...

- You know, I just want to make sure that you're not planning

on doing any hiking or grape stomping

or anything like that in these? - Uh, no.

No, you think I'd go hiking in a pair of shoes

I've been trying to find for, like, six years?

- Of course. I'm just messing with you.

[chuckles] All right. So, uh...

You know what? Do you need these today?

Because I could give them to you next week

and bring them home, clean them up, make them nice.

- No, that's cool. These are pristine.

- Yep, they are.

They are pristine.

Okay, so... [exhales sharply]

You're going to give me the money,

I'm going to give you the shoes,

and they will be yours and not mine.

- That is generally how this works.

- Right, right.

- Great. How much do I owe you?

- $3 million.

- Okay, so the first tweet was sent at 10:46:32.

Can we see if anyone was on their phone then?

- Got it.

Okay, looks like Brett was on his phone.

Also Jay.

And, uh, Henry, Chris, Giuseppe W.,

Sarah, Sue,

Pablo, Denise, Giuseppe.

- Uh, okay, who was not texting?

- Uh, Elias isn't on his phone,

though I think he might be asleep.

- Uh, may I? - Oh.

- What about the break room? Anybody in there?

- Oh, yeah, no, none of this is from today.

We used to have cameras in the break room,

but then people found out and got all rights-y about it.

Wait--wait, hold on. What is that?

- Careful, careful, stupid birds, dumb birds...

[fast-forwarded speech] - Nice job.

[both yelling]

- No. - Oh, oh, oh.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, no.

- Oh, no. Nope.

- Luanne, if you'll excuse me,

I have some business to take care of.

- What is all this stuff?

- Well, it's just junk we've had in our attic

that we've been meaning to throw out, you know.

Jerusha's dad was a collector...

of both things and, as it turned out later, wives.

But, anyway, is any of it valuable?

- [sighs] I mean, a flattened penny from Niagara Falls--

that's worth less than a penny.

Some random keys. Ka-ching!

A Neil Diamond cassette tape? - [gasps] Oh, I'll keep that.

I've been meaning to check him out.

- What about these baseball cards?

Mickey Mantle-- wasn't he someone?

- I don't know. I've never really been a fan

of men's baseball.

- This is from the first year he ever played,

like, before he was even famous.

- Oh, it was worth a shot.

- Action Comics "Superman," 1938.

Wow, this is so old.

That doesn't even look like Dean Cain.

- Yeah.

- I had IT look up the Websites that were visited

by the same device that posted the tweets.

- O...kay, so that's something one could do.

I didn't--didn't know that.

- So I was hoping we could narrow down who it might be.

Do you know anyone here who would have visited, uh,

"Huffington Post," "Slate,"

"The New Yorker" caption contest,

or done Google searches for "brine my own pickles,"

"Chris Hayes no glasses," and "Ronan Farrow age"?

- Huh, well, you know, that really could describe

just about everyone who works here.

- It's a--it's a hip group. - Excuse me.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

If I know who the person is who was tweeting,

who should I tell about that?

- You--are you saying you do? - When you say "you"--

- Excuse me. Who is it?

- Her name is Sandra Kaluiokalani.

That's spelled K-A-L...

K-- It's K-A-L...

[whispers indistinctly]

K-A-L-A, then I think it's "O."

It's, um--it's K-A-L...

Kalui...

.

- O-K-L-A-N-A-N-I.

Kaluiokalani. - Okay.

So how do you know that it's Sandra?

- Oh, she told me.

We're really good friends,

so we tell each other everything.

- No kidding, that's--I didn't realize you two were so close.

- Oh, God, maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

I'm a horrible person, aren't I?

- No, you're not.

- She's not gonna be in too much trouble, is she?

- I can't believe Sandra would do something like that.

- I didn't think she had it in her.

I borrowed her car, like, three years ago,

and she still hasn't asked for it back.

- Well, I'm not surprised.

Cloud 9's been dicking her over for years.

- It's true-- she got injured on the job

when she first started working.

Instead of paying her medical bills,

they just gave her a blue polo. - [scoffs]

- I guess she just snapped. - I'm glad she did it.

Like, it's about time one of us stood up to corporate.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- You know, as a store manager, I would've been upset,

but as a floor worker, I'm like, "Get it, girl!"

- She's like a rebel.

- She's like a total badass bitch.

- Oh, my God, is Sandra an icon now?

- She's like a total badass bitch.

- Heard it both times, thanks.

- Sandra does live really far away.

Maybe she'd be really happy to have to find a new job

closer to home.

- Yeah, I mean, a lot of great success stories

start with someone losing their dead-end job.

- And perhaps she's supposed to save the world,

and us keeping her here is just preventing that.

- Okay, I'm gonna go in there and come clean.

- No, I'm not gonna let you do that alone.

We did this together.

- I appreciate that, but you were right.

It doesn't make sense for both of us to go down.

You were counting on me saying that, right?

- It's just that I make so much more money--

- Yeah, y-you mentioned that.

[Muzak playing over speakers]

- [sighs]

- Hey, so, random--

I was going through some old security footage with Luanne.

- Yeah? - And you remember how we used

to have those security cameras in the break room?

Well, we came across the time you let all my birds escape.

♪

- Uh...yeah. Um--

- Remember that?

Remember? It was Valentine's Day.

Remember? I was blaming myself for it,

and then when I was at my lowest, you had sex with me,

knowing that, hours before, you were the one that let them out.

And you knew the entire time. And yet, you said nothing.

Remember that? [laughs] So funny.

- Dina, I'm so, so sorry.

- Hey, come on. Don't even worry about it.

I forgive you.

When you think about it, this whole thing is just funny.

Hey, come with me. I want to show you something.

They went up so fast, it's like they wanted to burn.

[chuckles] What's that sound?

Is that air escaping from the sneakers?

[chuckles] It almost sounds like they're screaming.

[chuckles]

[whispering menacingly] I will never forgive you... ever.

- ♪ And I just can't hide it

♪

♪ And I know, I know, I know

♪ I know, I know I want you

♪ We shouldn't even think about tomorrow ♪

- Hey, Sandra.

- What's going on? Where are you going?

- I just got fired. I don't know what happened.

Luanne said I was the one who was tweeting,

but I swear to God, it wasn't me.

- No, we know. - Yeah, don't worry.

We are not gonna let this happen.

- We're gonna fix this.

- I never even joined Twitter

'cause I was thinking of running for City Council,

and you know how my humor can get a little edgy.

[indistinct chatter] - There she is!

- Hey! [applause]

- [chanting] Sandra, Sandra, Sandra, S--

Ugh, what is wrong with you people?

- Guys, I didn't do it. - It's true, it--it wasn't her.

- Yeah, of course it wasn't you. Wink.

[laughter] - Okay, guys, listen.

- Whoever did was pretty awesome, though.

- Total superstar. - She's a rebel.

- She's a badass bitch. - Justine, just go home.

- I have every right to be here.

- Guys, look, you know how corporate

just kept cutting back our hours

and cutting back our hours?

all: Yeah. - I know they have.

- Well-- - Well, sometimes

you just got to say, "Enough with the [bleep]."

all: Yeah!

- It's like, you can only get pushed around so much

before you say, "No! This isn't fair.

This isn't right."

- What is happening? - I have no idea.

- What are you gonna do?

- We're gonna-- we're gonna stand up.

- That's right. - Yep.

- And we're gonna stay strong.

- There she is. - Yep, that's it.

- And we need to unionize!

[all cheering]

This is just the beginning! Yeah!

[all cheering]

all: [chanting] Sandra! Sandra! Sandra!

Sandra! Sandra!

Sandra! Sandra!

Sandra! Sandra! Sandra!