All language subtitles for Superstore.S04E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10

.

- "Cloud 9 Management
Summit 2018."

- Yeah, managers,
district managers,

assistant managers,
regional managers--

- A lot of managers.
- A ton of managers, big fella.

Anyway, Dina I can't go
this year,

'cause, you know,
her goldfinch is in hospice,

poor thing.
And my in-laws are in town,

which is...unpleasant.

But anyway, two tickets
up for grabs.

- Oh, that's so kind of you
to offer,

but I think I'm gonna pass.

- Yeah, and I-I would go,
but it sounds terrible.

- Oh, okay.

Well, I'm sure you don't
wanna leave

your baby overnight anyway,
right?

- Oh, yeah, it's in Chicago.

The put you up in a hotel,
which I hate,

'cause they're always washing
the sheets.

You never get a chance to have
that nice, lived-in feel.

- Yeah, we're gonna take
these tickets.

Thank you.
- Oh, great.

And it works out perfect
because, you know,

you two are a hot item now,

and they only give you
one hotel room per store.

- So, you and Dina would have
had to share a room?

- Yeah, yeah.

We managed to make it work
last year.

I just read a book
in the bathtub

while she made love
to the bellhop.

♪

- I can't wait to get
in to our room

and take a long, hot bath.

- Yeah, mm-hmm.
Maybe I'll join you.

- Ooh, maybe.

Although, I really would rather
just take it by myself,

if that's okay...

- Oh, yeah--no.

I already took a shower
this morning anyway.

- I don't see Amy Sosa
or Jonah Simms on the list.

- Oh, check under
Glenn Sturgis.

He gave us his tickets.

- I'm sorry, the tickets
are non-transferable.

- Right here on the ticket.

- Oh, look at that.

Not even in fine print,
just right there

in big, bold letters.

Hey, guys.

Corporate is asking us to run
everybody through E-Verify,

and there's a bit of a problem.

- It's a registry
for sex offenders.

- No, it's for
undocumented immigrants.

- Because it's not illegal
to hire a sex offender,

but it is illegal to hire
an undocumented immigrant.

- Well, I've heard that
E-Verify is full of bugs.

Just lots and lots of bugs.

- They're not bugs, Cheyenne.
They're human beings.

But we do need to talk.

Or Sayid?

You probably meant Sayid.

Sayid, Glenn
wants to talk to you.

- Yeah, I meant Sayid.

- Good.

That's what I said.
Yeah.

We're all saying
the same thing.

Sayid, I think
you're getting deported.

- But I'm not undocumented.

- Of course you're not.

- He's a refugee.
You have to enter his info

on a different page.

Oh, I had no idea.

- So, what crime
did you commit?

- I committed no crime.

- I'm a refugee,
not a fugitive.

I was fleeing the civil war
in Syria.

- Not good.
Seriously, not good.

- Yeah, there's all sorts of,
like, rampant destruction

and beheadings and locusts,
right?

- Yes, though the locusts
had nothing to do with the war.

They're a seasonal nuisance.

- Hey, what are your thoughts
on the movie, "Syriana"?

- I thought George Clooney
was pretty okay,

and Matt Damon was just okay.

- Cheyenne, why would you
ask that?

- He said he was part
of a civil war.

Our Civil War
was about slavery.

- Actually, the Civil War
was not about slavery.

That's a misconception.
- No, not a misconception.

- Good people can disagree.
- Wrong.

You are not a good person
if you disagree.

- The point is, Sayid,
you're home now.

And on behalf of everyone
in America, we welcome you.

Come on, clap harder.
He's been through stuff.

- Well, at least you got away
from the baby for a few hours.

I mean, nothing against
your baby--he's great.

- Yeah, no, he's the best.

- Uh-oh,
who let these dogs out?

- Hey, Jeff.
- Jeff.

- Hi, guys.

Are you here for
the conference?

That's awesome.

- Well, we were supposed to be,

but apparently
it's just for managers.

- Um...let me take care
of that for ya.

Hey, Denise, these
are friends of mine,

so I can vouch for them.

- I don't know who you are.

What?

We've met, like,
a million times.

- Okay, I'm just gonna say
what everyone's thinking.

How do we know he's not,
you know, ISIS?

- Are you--you haven't
heard of ISIS?

Are you even on Instagram?

- Relax, they vet these guys
for years.

I mean, truthfully,
out of everyone in this store,

Sayid is the one person
I'm sure isn't a terrorist.

- You think I could be
a terrorist?

- Yeah, I definitely think
you could be a terrorist.

- Definitely.
- Oh, yeah.

I would not rent you a U-Haul,
ever.

- I told him to shovel
out front.

Hasn't he been through enough?

I mean, the last thing he needs
is to be thrown out in the cold

like--like he's some nothing.

Mateo, go take over for Sayid.

Wha--

You know what?
I can't.

I am on holiday wrapping duty.
- No problem.

Garrett, could you take over
for Mateo, please?

- Or we can just cut out
the middle man

and have Garrett shovel
the snow.

How am I supposed to do that?

- I mean, we have snow tires.

Okay, I want everybody
to remember this

the next time somebody says

"Garrett can do anything."
- Wow.

- Okay, here are your lanyards
and your room keys.

Sometimes you just gotta
grease the right palms.

'Cause it sort of
looked like you just waited

till her back was turned
and stole these off the table.

- Eagle eyes over here.

- Okay.

And what happens when
the real "Colt McCann"

and "Chien Mon Koh"
try to get in?

You guys want 'em or not?

- Okay.

- Yes, yes, yes!

We're gonna have
a great time together.

Come on, come on, come on--
- No, no, no.

I think we're just gonna
meet you in there later on.

- Yeah, we were
just gonna check in,

settle into the room.
It was a really long drive.

- No, no, no, no.

There's plenty of time
for that later.

Time to get our party on.

Whoop-whoop.
Let's do it.

Wait...

And go.
Go, go, go, go.

.

- It's so unfair.

I'm stuck outside
shoveling snow

while Sayid gets treated
like he's

part of Janet Jackson's
entourage, or something.

- I know, he's safe
and sound now.

If anyone deserves
special treatment, it's you.

Thank you.

- I mean, you could be deported
literally at any moment,

just taken back to
the Philippines

on some sex trafficker's
yacht.

I'm undocumented,
not Liam Neeson's daughter.

- Hey, Sayid.

Whatcha doing?

- I left my lunch in the car.

- Cool.

Well, looks yummy
for your tummy.

Apple a day.
Ha ha.

You literally called yourself
"undocumented."

Yeah, I know.
- 'Cause if he did,

then he might tell Dina
or Glenn or corporate--

- Yeah, there's a lot of people
he could tell.

- Welcome to the big time,
huh?

You like shrimp cocktail?

Well, prepare to be happy,

because there's
shrimp cocktail.

- Wow, this is not at all
what I expected.

- Well, you know,
they call it a conference,

but it's really just
a ball's-out party.

I mean, one of us
is gonna end up puking

before the night is over.

Probably me.
- Hmm.

- Well, thanks so much
for showing us around, Jeff.

I'm sure you gotta go mingle.

- Yes, good idea, I don't want
anybody to feel excluded.

I'm gonna take a quick lap,
say a few hellos,

and I'll see you guys
by the ice sculpture.

- Oh, no--you--we don't
really have to...

- Don't look at me like that.
I did all the heavy lifting.

You can finish it up at home.
Happy holidays.

Next.

- That is your idea
of gift wrapping?

- I don't believe in
gift wrapping.

If I go through the trouble
of getting you a gift,

that should be enough.

Now you want me to waste time,
waste paper,

just so you can rip it shreds
and be just as surprised

as if I just handed you
the gift unwrapped?

I don't think so.

- You don't know how
to wrap a gift.

- I do not.

That sounds rough.
You see any action?

- Yeah, like drone strikes,

IUDS, big, loud explosions?

That must have killed
your hearing.

- My hearing's good.

- Hmm.

Can you hear this?

- Yes.

How about this?

- Yes.
- Oh, cool.

Well, I'm glad everything's
intact.

- I just wanted to lie in bed,
order room service,

and watch pay-per-view.

- We still will.
We'll sneak out of here

as soon as Jeff
moves away from the doors.

- He's been standing there
for like, 20 minutes.

He's just parked there waiting
for someone to talk to him.

It's so sad.

- You'd think someone
would let the poor guy

in on a conversation.

- Yeah, well, everyone here's
a d-bag anyway, so...

- Not everyone.
- Everyone here is a d-bag.

- This is a room full
of d-bags.

- Come on.
- He's a d-bag.

He's a d-bag.
She's a triple d-bag.

These are the kind of people
who come here every year,

they eat 1/2 million dollars'
worth of shrimp cocktail,

and then they tell us that they
can't afford maternity leave.

- These are just ordinary,
boring people.

- D-bags.
- Watch--watch.

- What are you--
- Howdy.

I'm Colt McCann.

Down here abouts from, uh...

Burlington, Vermont.
That's weird.

- Ted Morrison.
- Hey, Ted.

- Kent Ostrofsky.
- Hey, Kent.

- Chien Mon Koh.
Family name.

- Ah!
- So, Chien and I

were just talking about
a $15 minimum wage.

How y'all feel about that?

- Ask me, the floor workers

are barely worth
15 bucks a week.

- Don't even get me started.

"Pay us more.
Give us more hours.

I'm on food stamps."
It's endless.

both: Ugh. Yeah.
- They really should let us

kill one of those entitled
brats each year.

You know,
just to keep us sane.

- That's exactly what
they should do.

- That's a good idea.
- Ugh, I hate them so much.

- These are funny jokes.

- We need to fortify
these two weak spots with tape.

- The whole thing is tape
at this point.

- Just do it, it's not like
society's in a tape shortage.

Oh, this is a good, long
piece, yeah.

Oh, no you've taped my hand
to the gift.

- Why does everyone here
start conversations like that?

- Ha.

You know, I'm actually
an immigrant, too.

Not a refugee, like you.
Knock on wood.

Just a regular,
undocumented immigrant.

Or is it "documented"?

I'm always mixing those up.

I think it's like
inflammable-flammable,

where they mean the same thing?

- No, they're opposites.

- Anyway, I'm definitely
the legal kind.

Came here legally,
took the citizenship test,

got sworn in by the president.

- Uh-huh, yeah.

Yeah.

They, um, they do it
personally.

At least they used to.

- God, it's been so long,

I don't even remember.

One of the white ones?

I wanna say...Henderson.

Yes.

- He's pretending to see people
he knows across the room,

but there's no one there.

- Hey, buddy.
There he is.

I didn't know you were here.
- Now's our chance.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Okay, okay, okay!

- No, they're free.

- You're just--you're just
offering to give me an iPad?

- Well, not just you.
All the managers.

- Well, I am a manager.

I am Chien Mon Koh.

- That's fine, take one.

- Okay, then,
I will take this iPad.

- Go right ahead.

- I'm gonna go now.

- Okay.

Oh, my God,
I can't believe

they're just giving out iPads.

- Yeah, you played that
very cool, by the way.

- Wait a second.
Is everybody in a green polo

just giving away free stuff?
- I guess.

You know what they're also
giving out for free?

Nice hotel rooms with
bathrobes and room service.

- Yes, yes.
We should go.

- Great.
- I'm just gonna go get

one of those fancy wine openers
real quick.

- Amy--
Chien!

.

- Oh, yes.
This is perfect for Aspen.

I go once a year.
It's just gotten

really overrun
by tourists recently.

- Just trying on these
$300 coats they're giving away.

- Ah.
- He'll take one too.

- That's okay, I don't need
a woman's coat.

- Well, you can take one

for your 15-year-old
daughter, Emma.

- I'll take one coat,
please.

By the way,
speaking of free things,

it's an open bar.

- Oh.
Thank you.

- Uno.
- Dos.

- Tres.
- Cuatro.

- L'chaim.

Oh.
- Ugh.

Two more, please.

Howdy, partner.

- ♪ Walk away

- Switch.

Wait, wait, wait.

- Oh, thank you.
Nice.

♪

- Mmm. Wow, that is
what I would imagine

a cloud would taste like.

Switch.
- Oh.

- Oh, that's a cloud!

- ♪ I'll be here downtown
and I see your face ♪

♪ Thought I caught
that smile today ♪

- That's terrifying.

- Here.

Whoo.
- Whoop.

- And boom.

- So, I think you just step...

Oh, that looks nice.

- Oh, yes, thank you.

You put the mushroom

on the mini grilled cheese
sandwich,

and then they all go in
at the same time.

Oh, that definitely looks like
an orgy's going on in there.

Who holds the bag?
- Oh, I'll hold the bag.

You've got the vest.
- Oh, that's great.

- Whoa, it's like we're really
in a grocery store.

- I feel like technology
is solving problems

we don't even have.

- "Best friends" on three.

One...two...best friends.

- Okay, so, after the twirl,

you just pull
the ribbon through

and...voila.

Easy-peasy.
- Okay, I guess.

- Yeah, I mean,
if you're going for something

that's kind of generic-looking.

- Cheyenne, I can't believe

you didn't tell me
you were pregnant.

- Obviously she is.
Look at her boobs.

- Whoa!
- I'm not pregnant.

- But Sayid said...

That guy's always
making up stuff about people.

- I mean, it's--it's not
his fault.

Uh, it's a cultural thing.

You know, lying is a big part
of Syrian culture.

- I've never heard that,
and I've slept with

a ton of Syrian dudes.

- Wait, is that where
the phrase,

"lying like a Syrian"
comes from, Mateo?

- Oh, you know,
now that you mention it,

that makes sense.
Yes, Cheyenne.

- Wow, what a completely
natural conversation,

Cheyenne and Mateo.

- Sayid never mentioned
anything about lying

when I interviewed him.

Then again, if he was a liar,
he wouldn't have.

- Mmm.
- But if he wasn't a liar,

he wouldn't have either,
so--oh, this is a pickle.

- Hold on, so when Sayid said
he liked my haircut...

- Yep, lying like a Syrian.

- Damn it.
Do you guys like my hair?

- Eh.
- Eh.

- Phew.
Thanks, I was worried.

I said, "Make me look like
Jeff Probst."

- I know it's so bad
for your teeth,

but I love chewing on ice.

- You have so many interests
that I don't know about.

- So cold.

Oh, look, look, look, look.

It's our best friends.
- Ted! Kent!

Get over here you
sons of bitches.

- Oh, damn are we getting
turnt over here?

- Turnt!
- Oh yeah,

we are getting turnt.

- We were just laughing
about the fact that

we get all this free stuff,

and the floor workers
get nothing.

- Yeah, that is pretty funny.

- All right, all right.

Here's a joke:
How many floor workers

does it take to screw in
a lightbulb?

- Shut up! You're fired.

- I don't even get it.

- Me neither, Kent,
me neither.

- ♪ It's the most
wonderful time ♪

♪ Of the year
- ♪ Ding-dong-dong-ding

- Not as good as your elves,
huh?

- 'Cause you look like
Santa Claus.

- And you look like a dick.

- Surprising.

- Okay, what's the difference
between a floor worker

and a two
- Here we go.

- Two-legged chair
don't make $8.50 an hour

for being useless.

Shut up! You're fired.

- It's just getting better!
- Hey, Bill, get over here.

This guy's throwing
rocks tonight.

- Oh, I got one, I got one.

How do you get out of
giving benefits

to a full

- Make them two part-time
employees.

- Boom!
Chien is killing it.

- That's actually a good idea,
though.

- Yeah, you just tell
every full-timer

that they're now actually two
part-timers--you save a ton.

- I wasn't actually
suggesting--

- Hey, we should get Tracey
in legal on this.

- Yeah. Hey, Tracey.

- You gotta hear this good idea
that Chien Mon Koh just had.

I think I just see
someone I know.

- Tracey, come here!
- Hassan, hi.

- Hold on, Chien.
- Come on.

- Why are you telling people

that I'm "lying like a Syrian"?

- Um, I don't think
I ever said--

That is not a saying.

Was this Marcus?

'Cause that guy is...

Okay, fine.

I just...I know you heard me

talking about being
undocumented.

- You mean,
President Henderson

didn't personally
swear you in?

- No, I don't even think
Henderson was still alive

when I came here.

I was nervous that
you might turn me in,

so ironically,
I was the one who started

lying like a Syrian.

- Again, that is not
a real saying.

And why would I wanna
turn you in?

It's none of my business.

- I don't know, maybe you were
afraid of getting into trouble.

Like not saying anything

might somehow make you
my accomplice.

- Oh.

- But you're not.

You are just
an innocent bystander.

- Yes, in my experience,

nothing ever happens
to innocent bystanders.

- Look, Sayid, Sayid,
don't worry about it.

What are they gonna do,
deport you

for not ratting me out?

- I can honestly say
that that thought

had not occurred to me.

- To the back.
I have work to do.

- I'll come with.

- I might have to go
to the men's room first.

- We'll both go.

.

- Mateo, Sayid seems to think
that you're undocumented

and that you've been working
in this store illegally.

That--that's crazy.

Why would he...wait,
is today November 29th?

- Yeah.

- It's Syrian April Fool's Day.

That guy--I am gonna
go shaving cream his locker.

- Okay, I didn't believe him
at first, so I checked.

Did you know that
your social security number

belongs to a Polish woman
from Buffalo?

So, unless your name
is Nadia Kedzierski,

we have a problem.

- Oh, this isn't
my social security number.

Must've got put in wrong.

- Oh, okay.

Well, I'm relieved
to hear that.

So, if you could just enter
your real one.

- I don't think
you're supposed to give out--

- Okay, Mateo,
I'm not kidding.

- Okay--well, that's only
five numbers, like a zip code.

Um, you need four more.

- Uh, it's, uh, the last four,
uh, is, um, two...

- Two.
- Nine...

- Nine.
- Nine...

- Nine.
- Nine.

- Okay, I'll just
run this through E-Verify.

Thanks.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- You know, of all the times
we made love,

we never made anything
this beautiful.

- So, can I...

- You can get another one
in aisle six.

- Yeah, but we're not gonna
wrap it.

We're going out on top.

- Okay, I'll go get another.

- Just get another one.
- Okay.

- Ugh.

Can you believe
these are the idiots

who lead this company?

- Not exactly the best
and brightest.

- And they get paid
ten times as much as us.

And they get better benefits

and free aroma-therapy
diffusers.

They don't even have to
pay for their

aroma-therapy diffusers.
How is that fair?

- Maybe you should be
a manager.

I mean, they have those
training seminars.

They love bragging about
how they promote from within.

And like you said,

these people are not
rocket scientists.

- I'm a single mom,
and I just had a second baby.

It's not exactly the best time
to make a big life change.

- Ah.

When is?

- Do you think
we'll still be friends

when I get sent back
to the Philippines?

- Of course we're still
gonna be friends.

Ooh, maybe I could come
visit you.

I hear they have nice beaches
and really cheap massages.

I bet I could get
a deal on a ticket

if I book it far enough
in advance.

- Cheyenne, I'm about
to be deported,

and you're planning
your vacation.

- Sorry.

But hotels are super
inexpensive, right?

- Oh, my God, so affordable.

- That's what I heard.
- Yeah, it's great.

- Sure.

- So, I ran your
social security number--

- Okay, look, I know it's--
- And it checked out.

- Yep, it did.

- Merry Christmas, Mateo.

- You've been legal
this whole time?

How much attention
do you need?