Original subtitles

- The National Weather Service

has issued a heightened tornado watch.

- Everybody stay inside!

We are gonna lock this place down!

- Dear lord Jesus, in your infinite power and compassion,

please save us!

- I love you, Jeff! I didn't want to die

without letting you know how I feel!

- Hey! Sandra! [screaming] Sandra!

- Dear Allah, in your infinite power and compassion,

please save us from destruction.

- Thank you for being there for me

and for keeping me calm.

- Of course.

Anytime.

[drone of heavy equipment]

- I hope you all had an amazing vacation.

- By "vacation," you mean the two months

we were laid off without pay?

- Uh-huh. Anyways,

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching

since the tornado, and-- - Coming through!

- Almost got me there. And--and it's been raising

some big questions for me. Questions like--

Questions that--

Why did the tornado hit us?

And why did it stop when I prayed to Allah?

And why-- - Ah!

Sorry. I almost fell.

- Does that mean that Allah is the one true god?

Or that Allah and Jesus are the same god?

Or--or that they're different gods,

but with varying responsibilities?

What's the meaning of--

[jackhammer buzzing]

What's the--

[jackhammer buzzing]

So that's what I've been thinking about.

Anyone else have thoughts on that?

Okay, then.

Let's get to work!

- What was that, a 20-minute walk?

- 23.

- Remember, single file when we cross the highway.

- Are we cloud one? [all] No.

[upbeat music]

- Wow, that's really bad luck.

- Yeah, it-- well, it wasn't just my apartment.

The tornado leveled the whole building, so...

- Scary. Were you in it at the time?

- No, I was... here, at the time.

- Oh, right. Blonde moment.

- Yeah, so anyway, everything I own is gone,

and now I'm--I'm living in a FEMA trailer.

- So in a way, you're officially trailer trash now?

- Well, I am living in a trailer, so...

- Ha. Admits it.

- Oh. Why don't you move into Garrett's apartment?

- No! No.

I mean... nah.

Jonah doesn't want to live with a roommate. He's an adult.

- Yeah, no. I--I mean, I--I would, I would love that,

but I would never-- I would never impose.

- But I mean, it wouldn't be a problem. I could do it.

It's just that it's... really cramped.

- Sure, sure, yeah.

- Oh. I thought you had a two-bedroom.

- Ah, okay. Sure, yes,

you know, if you want to get architectural about it,

then yes, I do have a second bedroom,

but, when you use a wheelchair, you need multiple bedrooms.

- Oh. Why?

- Safety.

Excuse me. Gotta go.

[loud crash]

- Oops. Sorry.

[rustling]

- Back at it, huh?

- Yeah. Yeah, it's like we never left.

- [laughs weakly]

- So, uh, how are things at home?

Emma. How's--how's Emma?

- Awesome. Yeah, she's starting high school.

- Oh, wow. Uh, that's exciting. Teenager.

- I know. I know, right? - Look out!

- Oh boy.

- [laughs]

Uh...

So, we--we never... talked about the...

- Do we have to?

- [stammering] Oh, yeah, no, I mean, I'd rather not,

if you don't need to.

- No! I don't. I don't need to.

- Great. Yeah, no, I don't need to either.

No, yeah. Same. Same...

Same team. Just, uh, you know.

Didn't want... [inhales]

things to be awkward.

- No! Awkward. - Pfft.

- It's not awkward. It's fine. I'm fine.

- Yeah, I'm fine. - You are fine.

I mean fine, like you're... - I am super-fine.

- Hey, Marcus! - Marcus!

Hey, what's going on, buddy?

- Just carrying some stuff.

- [laughs] Classic Marcus.

- Hang out!

- Yeah, I'm glad they hired you back.

- Okay. Thanks. I will.

Hey, listen, I've been thinking

we should kick Mateo out of the friend group.

- So, maybe they're the same god,

but with different responsibilities.

- Yes, can we table that? - Oh, sures.

- I just want to make sure that, construction aside,

you're going to be ready for the opening.

- Oh, don't worry. I got your email right here.

Uh, we got door prizes,

and Minions for the kids,

and Howie Mandel's coming?

- No, not the head of marketing.

The comedian. Same name.

- Oh. Well, relax. I'm not going to let you down.

- Good. I'll see you today at 3:00.

- Oh. Why're you coming at 3:00?

- For the opening.

- Uh-huh.

- It says, "Bring back the staff

a week before the grand opening, on the 28th."

Today's the 28th.

Well, he couldn't be more clear!

- Yes! He could've said "The grand opening,

which is on the 28th."

This makes the 28th sound like the start date!

- "Bring back the staff a week before the grand opening--

on the 28th." Yeah, this is confusing.

- No! "Bring back the staff a week before...

the grand opening on the 28th."

- He didn't say it like that. You're adding emphasis.

- Okay, guys. We just need to figure out

what we're going to do.

- Or as Dina would put it,

"We need to figure out

what we're gonna do."

- Maybe I would. Maybe I would say it like that.

.

- Attention, employee--

Attention. Test. Testing.

Ah, damn it.

[shouting] Listen up, everybody!

We're opening today in, like, four hours!

So that means we need to be ready in, like, four hours!

To be honest,

I don't think we can do that.

Just doesn't seem possible.

It's not something that can be accomplished.

But that's just my opinion, though.

All right. Peace!

- Okay, so we don't have much time,

which means we need to stock the shelves

with the big items first, and--

- Wait.

What if we just set up one aisle,

take a picture of it,

blow that bad boy up life-sized,

and then just slap it over all the other aisles? Boom.

- Uh-huh, maybe.

Look, we can always redo stuff tomorrow,

so for now, it's better to do things fast and bad

than slow and good.

- But fast and good is better.

- What are you doing?

- What? Fast and good is better

than fast and bad.

- Yes, but for now,

we're gonna prioritize speed.

- Okay. I'm--I'm prioritizing both.

- You can't prioritize both!

Forget it. Just make the place

look as good as possible before Jeff gets here.

- Wait. Jeff is coming...today?

- Yep.

- How about slow and bad?

- Ugh.

- Hey. - Hey.

- What is going on here? - Oh, I, uh...

I can't shower in the mornings

because Cliff, in the adjoining trailer,

only takes baths.

- Well, gotta do what you gotta do.

- Yeah. It's--it's just until I find a place,

or someone who will let me stay with them, so...

- Mm-hmm. Well, I'ma...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you do you. Yeah.

What'd you say? - Huh?

- Oh, I-- I thought you said something.

- I didn't say anything.

- All right.

- We are looking for Minions costumes only.

What in the name of God is "Lego Ninjago?"

- Excuse me.

- Just hang on. Uh, we're closed.

You're going to need to come back at 3:00.

[laughs] I'm not a customer. I'm Howie.

Mandel.

I was told to be here at 11:00.

- Oh, you're working here?

- Yeah, kinda.

- Oh, damn it. God!

I hate when they don't tell me about new hires.

Okay, find yourself a vest and a nametag

and go help Leonard in produce.

[to phone] Sorry about that.

- I'm Howie Mandel.

- Yeah, that's fine. Tell payroll.

Vest. Tag. Produce. Go!

- What... [sighs]

"America's Got Talent"?

- I don't know what you're asking me.

- Okay.

- Wow.

- Okay, you're going to have to redo the whole thing.

- I'd have to take everything

off the shelf to move it.

- Well, then it's a bad day

to be Earl, isn't it?

- [sighs] - Don't sigh!

I can hear you sighing!

- Glenn. - What?

- We don't have time to restock a whole shelf.

- Exactly. See, Earl?

Now you've pissed off Amy, too.

Sometimes I think the whole world's incompetent.

- You know what, Glenn? I am so glad

that you finished writing your speech so quickly,

so that you could be here to supervise everything.

- My speech? - Well, yeah, I mean,

obviously you're going to have to

speak at the ribbon cutting.

- Obviously.

- Don't worry! We'll do the best we can without you.

[quietly] Leave the shelf where it is.

- [sighs] - Not today, Earl.

- What am I going to say to Jeff?

He never called me back.

- Maybe he didn't get the message.

Maybe he couldn't hear you over the tornado.

- Well, I don't even know if I want him to have heard me.

It's complicated. - Mm.

- My boyfriend Jerry got hit in the head by a mailbox

during the tornado.

He's been in a coma ever since.

I visit him every day to read to him.

I'm on the fifth Harry Potter book, and--

- Ooh! You know what we could do?

Maybe we could do a test

in front of one of those big fans

to see if he could hear you.

- God, that's an amazing idea!

- He's off the breathing tube.

That's good.

- Okay, I need three of you to help me unload a truck.

Don, Marcus, and... Myrtle.

Meet me in back in five.

- Tough luck, dude.

- Ah, it's fine.

- Oh, hey, listen.

I heard about your living situation

and if you want, you can crash with me.

- Wow. Uh, that's...

That's really nice, Marcus. Thank you.

- Yes! The horsemen! Living together!

Partying hard.

Luring ladies back to the pad.

- I'm sorry. "Luring?"

- [laughs] Hilarious. You know what I mean.

- I don't, actually.

- You're a crazy man. We're going to be on fire.

Chicks are going to be banging down the door,

and we'll be like, "Please, ladies, one at a time."

- One at a time,

as in there's-- there's two of us

and one of them?

- No. [laughs awkwardly]

- Hey, uh, Garrett.

Um, I'm supposed to give a speech later,

and I'm a little nervous about it, uh, given that...

I'm sorry. I'm a little embarrassed to say.

- Your voice. - What? No. Not--

Given that I didn't prepare anything.

What's wrong with my voice?

- Nothing. You have a nice voice.

- Garrett, I'm not a child.

If there's something wrong with my voice,

you can just tell me.

- Okay. Um...

Some people-- not me, but some people--

might find your voice, octave-wise,

to be the teeniest, tiniest, bit...

High.

- [comically high] What?

- Yeah. - Who?

- Uh, anyone with ears.

- That's everybody.

- Yeah, it's high.

.

[upbeat, bustling music]

*

- Hi, I'm Glenn. This is my voice.

How come no one ever told me that I sounded like that?

- We thought you knew.

- But that's not how I sound on the inside!

On the inside, I sound like, [no difference] "Hi, I'm Glenn."

- That's the same voice.

- Not what you hear. What I hear.

- Okay, I found a costume shop with two Minion costumes.

- Do I have a weird voice?

- Yeah. It's preposterous.

Anyway, I guess they were

rented for some birthday party,

but the kid was murdered or kidnapped,

or changed his mind or something. I don't know.

I wasn't listening. The point is,

you two should go right now and pick them up.

- What? Why us two? - Together?

- We have a lot to do. All right?

Henry can't be around children.

Marcus is on his third DUI.

Elias is afraid of Minions.

Nobody knows where Brett is!

- Uh, wow. This is the worst.

Sorry, no, I--no.

I just meant that-- that this...

This is the worst.

- [sucks teeth]

You want to listen to a podcast?

- Sure.

- My phone got stolen from my trailer.

I thought you were going to say "no."

- I love you!

I love you! Can you hear me?

I love you!

I love you!

I'm just doing a test.

I don't even really know how I feel about it for sure.

I mean, it's complicated.

I'm Mateo!

- Okay, man.

- Okay, man. See you around!

[mouths words]

So hot.

- * Like me is going insane

* Insane in the mainframe

*

- Listen, uh...

I'm sorry I didn't know who you were before.

I'm not super up on pop culture.

- Don't worry about it.

- Look at us.

An hour ago, I had no idea who you were,

and now we're flirting.

[laughs]

Well, you should probably get back

to straightening around the registers.

- [laughs]

- What's funny?

- You're being serious?

- I'm sorry. Am I supposed to say "Action" or something?

- [sputters weakly]

- Look, I get that you're still with Adam, and I--

- Can we please not talk about Adam?

- Hey! Are we just, like, not friends anymore?

- Yes. Of course we're friends. Nobody said we're not friends.

- Friends don't sit in a car for 43 minutes in complete silence.

Friends have conversations. They talk.

- Okay, Jonah, let's talk.

We kissed, and now everything's awkward and loaded,

and I don't how to be around you.

Is that the conversation you want to have?

Didn't think so.

- [low and distorted] It is my pleasure

to welcome you to Cloud 9!

[normally] What do you think?

- Uh, try saying "We have your son. $1 million or he dies."

- [low and distorted] We have your son.

$1 million or he dies!

- That's tight.

- How's it going with the ribbon?

- Well, I'm six minutes into this video

on how to tie a fancy bow,

and this guy's still talking about his cat!

It's like, "We get it. You're gay."

- And these are the biggest scissors I could find.

- We can't cut a giant ribbon with these!

- Okay, we'll be ready in about an hour.

- An hour?

The opening is now.

- Ooh, then you're going to need to stall big-time.

- Hey, guys.

Everybody excited for the big day?

How's it looking inside?

- Different.

- No, no, no.

I want to show you something over here.

- Over here? - Yeah.

- Okay.

Right here? - Yeah.

.

- It's my great pleasure to welcome you to Cloud 9.

- Thank you, Glenn. That was beautiful.

Thank you very much. Um, okay, hey, listen.

Let's cut that ribbon and check it out!

[understated applause]

- But first, the comedic stylings of Mr. Howie Mandel!

[applause]

- Uh...

This, uh, event was set up by my, uh, appearance agent,

not my, uh, performance agent.

Performing is a whole... different negotiation,

so, uh...

Thank you, everybody.

[quiet applause]

- Then I guess--I guess I'll keep talking.

- 6:31. 6:30. 6:29.

- How is this helping?

- How is you asking "how it's helping" helping?

6:22. 6:21.

[items shattering]

- Okay, okay, okay. - Ow. Ooh!

- You're gonna break the Minion. - Don't break the Minion.

- When you get to hour two, minute twelve,

of "Pirates of the Caribbean,"

you can see one of the pirates is wearing a watch.

That's a--that's a goof.

[vacuum whirring]

- I can't hear you!

- Here you go. You stand still! - Ow!

[pills rattling]

- This is the wrong arm. - Just go.

- Can--can you tell other people's jokes?

- No.

- Can I?

- I--I guess.

- I don't know any.

- Ah! I'm gonna fall.

Oh, oh, okay.

[clock beeps down]

["La Cucaracha" plays]

- Get thirsty, amigos.

- Welcome back, shoppers.

I'm sure you're all very excited

that we've reopened.

Or more likely, you don't care at all,

'cause it's just a store.

- Badabadbadaba.

- "Badabadabadaba?" What--Really?

- I've never seen the movie. I thought they spoke gibberish.

- They speak a blend of pidgin languages

mixed with gibberish, but

"badabadbadaba," that's almost racist.

[both chuckle]

- Banana. Banana.

Beep-boop-bop-bop-boop.

- I'm getting divorced.

- Oh. Um...

- We woke up the morning after the tornado, and realized

just because we were happy to see each other alive,

didn't mean that we should stay married.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- Well, I'm-- I'm here, you know,

if you ever want to talk, or...

- Do you want to have sex?

- Uh...

- I'm joking! - Yeah, obviously,

you're joking. I knew you were-- I'm not...

- Are you blushing? - Big-time, yeah.

- [sighs] Jeff.

- Mateo. Hey.

- How you been?

- Good, thanks. Yeah, I'm in a good place.

You know, I've been hitting the gym pretty hard.

Doing a lot of Zuh-mba.

- Um, I just need to ask you something.

Did you get a voice mail, by chance?

- Oh, sorry, one second. Uh, ooh, I have to take this.

It's Chad.

- Your ex, Chad? - Yes.

We got back together. Hey, sweetie.

- Mm, just real quick. It's pronounced Zumba, okay?

And your toupee, it's garbage.

You look like a fry cook.

[music playing over loudspeakers]

[hollow thud]

- Okay, well, this is going to be fun.

Now, do you want to room with Timur or Jacob?

Timur's a sweetheart, but he does have night terrors.

On the other hand, Jacob is really quiet,

but in a scary way.

Sometimes you wake up and he's just standing over you.

- All right. You can stay with me.

- Really? Are you--are you sure?

- No, I'm definitely not sure,

but whatever.

- Oh, okay.

Well, if anything changes,

the men's bathroom key also works on my front door.

- Okay, roomie. - House rules.

Do not touch my video game stuff.

No talking during "Game of Thrones."

No cooking fish.

And leave me out of your coffee-making process.

- I'll have to, because it's a French single press.

- I do not like fragrant soaps,

on Wednesday, my black friends come over,

so do not be around.

What else? Parking spots.

You don't get one.

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