All language subtitles for Modern Family S10E16 720p HDTV x264-AVS

Shh!

Do you hear that?
I can't find my phone.

I think it's coming
from the fruit bowl.

Oh, no.

I've been doing
sleep magic again.

You look like
you haven't slept at all.

Maybe an hour or two
a night.

I've tried everything:

warm shower before bed,
meditation,

reading my operating system's
user agreement.

Did you try asking Alex about
the struggles that are unique

to women in science?

Late last night.
I think she's still going.

It's the worst
possible timing.

I have a video shoot
for a big listing today,

and I'm supposed to
be on camera.

I gotta go.

Dad, your keys.

You know what?
I'lldrive.

Good luck
with your interview.

Oh, you know what?
I decided to pass on that.

Why?

That's an amazing job,
and you were so excited.

I think I was flattered.

Like when you go to a bar
and a guy sends you a drink.

I'm at the leading scientific
university in the country.

Those guys can't even
look their robotsin the eye.

I was asked to interview
for CEO of Uncle Ned's Cookies,

a major player
in the snack food industry.

The position opened up
because it turns out.

Uncle Ned liked to play
fast and loose with...

his genitals at work.

Mom, you need
to take that interview.

Now that they're purging
male creeps

from executive positions,

strong women are finally getting
their seat at the table.

Honey, I already have a seat
at the table.

In fact,
at the headof the table.

You mean
when Grandpa's not there?

Tables have two heads.

I'm only bringing out
my trademark hard truths

because I don't want you
to pass up

an amazing opportunity
in deference to the patriarchy.

Honey, I have a lot of amazing
opportunities at my current job.

And isn't Uncle Ned's
basically just stoner food?

We love
Uncle Ned's!

I miss those.

Thank you for your concern,
but I'll be fine.

Maybe I'm just projecting
my own frustrations

with the science world.

You know, there are
only three female PhDs...

Sweetheart, I'm sorry,
but I have to stay alert.

*MODERN FAMILY*
Season 10 Episode 16

*MODERN FAMILY*
Episode Title: "Red Alert"

Lily, sweetie, open up.
We're gonna be late for school.

I'm not going!
Leave me alone!

Another meltdown.

She's locked herself
in the bathroom.

Now don't you wish you'd let me
build that outhouse?

Still no.

Hey, hey.

W-What is going on
with her?

S-She's been
so moody recently,

screaming one minute,
crying the next.

You know what?

I think I know
what this might be.

O-Oh?

She had a volcano due
in science class today,

and when I was her age
and had a big project,

I'd get stressed out
and act just like this.

You know, I still have
nightmares about

my War of Northern Aggression
diorama.

Okay. What did we say
when we got married?

Never go to bed angry

and you have to call it
the Civil War.

Okay, I'll go check
and see how far she's gotten.

Okay, Lily, honey, come on.
Come out, all right?

We can help you
fix your volcano,

and... and you'll still
make it to school.

Worst comes to worst,

you'll be a little late
for your first period.

Actually,
she's a little early.

- Hm?
- So...

Lily is
a menstruator now.

That's not
what you call it.

Well, I'm just
ashamed to admit

that we never really
prepared her for it.

Hey, we tried
that one time.

Hey, girl. Hey!
Hey!

So, sweetie, Daddy and I
were wondering if,

now that you're wearing
a training bra,

if you had any other questions
about your changing body.

Can we just not?

Sounds good.
Yeah, perfect.

I thought
you were gonna ask Claire

to talk to Lily
about this.

Well, I was, but when I tried,
Claire was in such a mood,

because, ironically...

Okay, we can't screw this up.
We cannot give her a complex.

Okay, you see
if you can track down Claire.

I will
go to the pharmacy

and try and conquer my fear
of the feminine care aisle.

Poor Lily.

You know,
it could be worse.

If she were a sheep, she'd be
dealing with this every 17 days.

Promise you won't say that
while I'm gone.

All right,
let's try the swaddle again.

Our blankets are folded
into triangles,

we do a left tuck,

a toe tuck,

a right tuck,

and voilà,
baby burrito.

Ugh! How did you
do yours?!

I guess that summer
working at Burrito Basement

was worth the E. coli.

Dylan and I have been taking
a baby care class.

It's frustrating, because
even though he's missed some,

he's crushing it.

The class,
not the practice doll.

That was me.

Let's move on. What else
do we have to get down for today?

- Burping.
- Great!

A bur-bur-burp.
Boom. What's next?

Hold on, Mom.

Do you remember
the four other methods

in case over-the-shoulder
doesn't work?

Uh, was one scare 'em?

There's over-the-lap,

over-the-knee,

Grandmother's burp,
and the bounce burp.

Ugh.
Why do I suck at this?

I know it's overwhelming,
but you're gonna get there.

Don't worry.

Stop showing off.

Oh, good.
You're sitting down.

We have a problem.

I went on the company website,
and somebody left off

the brushed brass upgrade
on the Executive Premiere.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I eighty-sixed that.

I already signed off
on it.

They probably just wanted
to double-check with me.

You know, I do have
30 years' experience.

Closet Time Magazine
once called me.

"The Neil Armstrong
of the storage space race."

Okay, Dad, you work
two days a week,

and you spent
the entire last staff meeting

doodling a pineapple.

How about this... take the helm
on the Berkshire line.

I discontinued that.

Yeah, but then Jeff cornered me
in the men's room,

and I relaunched it.

Okay, Dad,
you are putting me

in an impossible
position.

I make decisions, and then
you go around undermining them.

Everybody values your opinions
around here, Claire.

In fact, I'd like your opinion
right now.

Does this
look like an igloo?

Uncle Ned's Cookies
wants me to be their CEO.

What?! You're considering
Uncle Ned's?!

Are you on reefer?!

That company has
tremendous growth potential.

It's snacks!
This is closets!

You're already
at the show!

At least there,
I can be the boss

and not just
the boss's daughter.

Is this the part
where I apologize

for handing you a company.

Closet Fancy once called
"top shelf"?!

No, this is the part
where I take an interview

with people who actually
recognize my value!

Damn whisper slides.

Is Lily still
in the bathroom?

No, I used Larry's cat box
for fun.

- Ew!
- Okay.

Really?
She needed all of this?

It was
totally overwhelming.

I just... I just grabbed
as much as I could.

I have tampons, maxi pads,
variety packs...

Oh, and this thing
called a Diva Cup,

'cause, I don't know, sounded kind of cute.
- Mm.

So, what are we
supposed to do?

We can't just throw these boxes
in there and wish her good luck.

Oh, thank God.

Is that Claire?
Did you reach her?

No, she wasn't answering,
so I... I called for backup.

Thank you for including me
in this special time.

I brought flowers
because our Lily's blossoming!

Well, we really appreciate
you helping us out.

Of course.

This is when it's good
to have a woman in the house.

Not that two men
raising a daughter

is unnatural
in any way.

Pretty sure
no one was thinking that.

Sorry... I-I panicked
and sent a group text

because I didn't know
who would respond.

Hey. I brought Lily
some pamphlets.

Understanding the biology
will help make her

more comfortable
with her menses.

Mensies? How is that not
a gay bar for little men?

We should... We're not buying
another domain name.

She doesn't need pamphlets.

She needs
love and support.

It's a beautiful
rite of passage

that is going to connect her
with women everywhere.

Let's not get poetic.
It hurts like hell.

And that's why I brought
all the ingredients

to make her a traditional
Colombian period poultice,

and she can rub it on her belly
when she gets cramps.

Or she could just
take some ibuprofen.

Oh, but is that going to
draw out all of her sins?

'Cause that's why women get
their period in the first place.

Okay, very helpful.
Two equally worthy paths.

Yeah, gotta say
I'm leaning toward the pamphlet.

Hey, how's Lily?

Oh, great...
More voices.

- Where is she?
- She's still locked

- n the bathroom.
- Damn it!

I have two fetuses
kicking me in the bladder,

and I really
have to pee!

Okay, well, Larry's litter box
is on the porch.

She's pregnant!
You can't ask her to go outside

- and squat ov...
- Be right back!

Gross!

You're not better than us,
you know.

Why do you think
you're not sleeping?

I don't know.

I guess I got a lot
on my mind.

Bills, my one numb toe,

is Haley gonna be
a terrible mom,

global warming...

Back up, back up,
back up.

Which toe is numb?

Left foot.
The one that goes to market.

And why are you
worried about Haley?

At her baby class,
she did not seem ready.

I'm kind of glad
Dylan had to work today.

I'm excited to see
what you've learned.

Okay, everybody.
Quick review before we start.

At what age can you first
give babies solid food?

- Six months.
- Two years!

And when you put baby down to
sleep, you place him on his...

- Back.
- Mattress.

And the fontanelle is...

- Soft spot.
- A hotel in Miami?

Phil.
You ready to sell a house?

Yes. Yes.
Let's do this.

Uh, Desmond,
this is my director, Luke.

I'm your son.

Aww.
You always will be.

Ohh!

Dad.

Desmond is the brains

behind thebest high-end
real-estate walkthrough videos.

He's helped move more houses
than, um...

than, uh...

What's the...
What's the crack

that... causes
all the earthquakes?

The San Andreas fault.

That's funny.

So, to recap
our discussion,

we'll start with the camera
coming down the walk.

You open the door, say "Welcome
to 15683 Canyon Ridge Drive",

a six-bedroom, seven-bathroom,
8,600 square-foot home

"in the prestigious
90212 ZIP code."

Ah.You got it?

15683, 15683...

I got it.

Desmond:
Good. Let's try one.

Here we go.

Ready, and...

action.

15683.

Cut. Moving on?

N-No.

No, that wasn't right
at all.

Um...
pretty sure it was.

Phil.

You've got to do
the whole thing.

Oh.

Oh, yes.
Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

All right.

Back to one.

Ready, and...

action.

Thank you.

Claire!
Thanks for coming in.

I'm Ben.
This is my brother, Evan.

Hi.

Our dad's Uncle Ned.

But we just call him Dad.

We are so happy
you're here.

Well, thank you so much
for having me.

And can I say...
It smells amazing in here!

It's the cookies.

Yeah.

We are so very impressed

with what your closet company
has done, fiscally speaking.

Well, to be fair, my dad is
the one who built the business.

We can relate to that.

But we mean
since youjoined.

Many people are saying
that's when it really took off.

It is so nice
to be recognized.

I... I see tremendous growth
potential in this company.

We think so.

That is, with the right captain
steering the ship,

fiscally speaking.

Which is why we're prepared
to offer you a big salary,

stock stuff...

And all the cookies
you can eat.

I didn't expect this to
be going so fast. Um...

Well, we're kind of
on a clock.

You see, the IRS has called
some of our bookkeeping...

"flagrantly illegal."

How could that happen?

We were hoping
youcould tell us.

We don't know anything
about business.

- Fiscally speaking?
- Yeah.

- Mm.
- Exactly.

That was kind of
our dad's thing.

Also, making them, selling them,
all that other stuff.

Just to be clear,
what are your roles here?

We used to
taste the cookies,

but now
we're chairmen of the board.

I see.

As such, we are legally
bound to mention

a little situation
we have with the FDA.

Thanks to Evan,

we keep failing something called
the "hairs-per-million test."

And due to the videotaped
evidence against our father,

we need a highly qualified woman
such as yourself

to testify
in front of Congress.

Hmm.

Uh... guys,
this is a lot to take in.

Well,
I think we know what that means.

Yeah.

Welcome to Uncle Ned's.

Whether you're a bachelor,
a couple, or a flamily...

"Flamily"...
I just said "flamily."

Wait, is it "flamily"?

All right.

Let's just take it from,

"This is modern California
living at its finest."

And action.

This is modern California
living at its finest.

Stop! You're doing
the British accent again.

I'm not hearing it!

And action.

You'll have state-of-the-art...

appliances...

I'm sorry.
I got this.

Imagine life
from this perspective.

That thing is gonna hit me!

And best of all,
the entire house is fully automated.

You can turn on the gorgeous
fountains right from your phone.

Shoot.
They're not working.

Hey, I can feel my toe!

And this one is about
hormonal fluctuations

that can cause
radical mood swings.

One minute, you're totally fine,
and then the next,

- you're just...
- Go home, nerd!

lashing out when someone
is trying to help you.

Okay, well, thank you for helping,

and don't take it personally.

At least now we know why
she called my signature cuffs

tackier than
the Debbie Reynolds museum.

Y-Yes, that was definitely
the hormones talking.

Look, everyone's taking this
whole thing way too seriously.

When my daughter
has her first Shark Week,

we're just gonna
laugh about it.

That's what girls want.

I mean, it is bananas

what happens down there
every month.

Only good thing is,
it reminds me to pay my bills.

Oh, that's why my credit card
keeps getting denied.

Hey, if there's somewhere
you need to be...

- Just watch this.
- Mm.

- Hey, bitch.
- Haley's here?!

That's right.
And cheer up.

You're missing the whole
silver lining in all of this.

A period is
a Get Out Of Jail Free card

for everything.

Didn't study for a test?

"Oh, wah.
I have cramps."

Don't want to go
to gym class?

"Sorry... lady problems."

Wanna eat a whole sheet cake?
Shut down a bad date?

Smuggle some weed into a
concert in your tampon box?

Ain't nobody
looking in there.

What is wrong with you?!

That's the advice you want
to give your daughter?!

I know! I'm a disaster!

How am I going to be a mother?
I can't even make a swaddle!

I'm gonna raise a couple losers,
just like me!

It's not your fault,
you sweet dummies!

Lily!

Oh, my God. You too?

I made you
a Colombian poultice.

Is that what stinks?
It's making me sick!

We're gonna rub it
all over your belly,

and it's gonna make you
feel better.

It's also not terrible on toast
with a fried egg.

How many people
are out there?!

Just a few
supportive women.

Hello, sisters.

I must've texted the wrong thread.

Allow me
to talk to the Earth Goddess.

U-Um...

Lily?
Step-Uncle Manny's here.

Cherish this.

You've been given
the ability to create life.

Each cramp, each migraine
should remind you...

Get the **** out of here,
Manny!

Take care, everybody.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Claire, get in here.

How'd the interview go?

Amazing.

First of all,
that place smells delicious.

They made me
an offer on the spot.

CEO, travel...

hobnobbing with Congressmen.

Well, I'm not surprised.

You're a terrific candidate.

I turned them down.

Why?

Well, first of all,
because I made a commitment

to everyone here
and to you.

And it just...
didn't feel right to leave.

That makes
what I'm about to say awkward.

I'm quitting.

Oh, wha...
You're that mad at me?

No, I listened
to what you said,

and you're never
truly gonna be in charge

until I get out
of your way.

You didn't have to do that for me.

I didn't do it
just for you.

Every good closet man
knows when to hang it up.

And I... I think
I'm ready for a new challenge.

Oh, Dad,
not window tinting.

It's like printing money,
but no, it's not for me.

Here's what
I'm excited about.

Let me show you.
Mm.

What am I looking at?

The future.

Fun dog beds.

Oh, my God. This is
the pineapple you were doodling.

Yes!
I designed it myself!

Cool. Cool.

So, the pharmacy tracks

how all of your medications
interact, right?

Claire, every year,

people in this country
spend $70 billion on their pets.

People or just you?

I got a manufacturer
lined up.

I'll sell them online,
keep the overhead low,

go to a bunch of dog shows...
super fun.

And if I don't lose all
the money that I made

selling my share
of this place,

I'm happy.

Wow.

It's kind of
the end of an era, huh?

Are you sure
you want to do this?

I'd have quit years ago
if you weren't here.

It's gonna be weird
coming to work without you.

Well,
if you miss me too much,

there'll always be a position
for you at Dog Beds by Stella.

Thank you, but I think
maybe it is time

I prove myself on my own.

You sure?
'Cause this could be huge.

I got
a million dog-bed ideas.

I got a hot-dog bun,
I got a space capsule,

I got an igloo.

What about one
shaped like a dog bone?

You'll get there.

Hey, how's Lily doing?

Well, I certainly didn't help.
I only made it worse.

What am I gonna do
when our kids need me?

You're overthinking it.

The minute you see a sweet
little face that needs you,

your instincts will kick in,
and you'll know what to do.

That's what
everybody keeps saying,

but what if it's not true?

Hey, Mr. D.

- Hey.
- Are you okay?

I haven't slept for days,

and I screwed up at work
today.

Oh, I'm sure
it's not as bad as you think.

Well, the cameraman called it
"Disaster-piece Theatre,"

and everybody was like,
"Good one, Craig."

And you know what? It was.
It was a good one, Craig.

Hey, it's okay.

I had to rehire the crew

to shoot the whole thing
again tomorrow.

I'm way over budget.

I'm probably gonna
lose the listing...

Shh.

You're just overtired.

Why don't you
close your eyes?

Dylan,
make some white noise.

I am going to try
something.

Oh. That's nice.

Honey.

You're getting
really good at this.

You think so?

I do.

Thanks.

All right.
You just rest now.

Everything's
gonna be okay.

Yeah. It is.

Can I stop now?
I'm gonna pass out.

We could just pick the lock
and get her out of there.

And then what?
She doesn't want to talk to us.

She never wants to talk to us.
That hasn't stopped us before.

We're only letting it now

because we're
uncomfortable, right?

Obviously, you're right.

Why else would I be devouring
Gloria's poultice?

You know what?

Come on.
We're her dads.

We'll figure something out.

Hey, honey?

Everyone's gone.

And we're sorry
we embarrassed you.

We should've never included
all those people into...

this situation.

And just because we're
boys doesn't mean we...

we can't talk you
through your first...

"sloughing off of your
endometrial tissue."

Yeah, "which typically
lasts between two and..."

- seven days"?
- Seven?

- Oh, my God.
- That's crazy.

Look, Lily,
your whole life, it's been...

it's been the three of us
figuring out stuff together.

Yeah, don't you remember
in the... in the second grade,

when you came home crying
because Julie Kwan made fun

of your Ricky Martin
"She Bangs" lunch box?

You didn't want to talk about
that, but then,

when you finally did,
you felt better.

Yeah, you... you don't
have to figure this out alone.

Yeah, we may not have gone
through the exact same thing,

but, you know,
in the seventh grade,

our bodies
started changing, too.

Sixth for me.

It's not a competition.

And those changes...

they were confusing.

Yeah, they were con...
confusing and scary

and also, um...

exciting because, um...

you're growing up...
Lily.

And we're your parents,
okay?

We are gonna make mistakes,

and we are not gonna have
all the answers,

but when you do want
to talk about it,

we're... we're here for you.

Yeah.

We love you.

Uh-oh.
Here comes The Great Snoozedini.

You see before you
three ordinary cups.

Cups you'd find
in any kitchen.

Nothing magical
about them.

Here, we have
one new potato.

Keep your eye on the
cup with the potato.

Anybody here
from out of town?

I feel bad.
Should we wake him up?

Not until we find out
where the potato is.

It's under that one,
right?

Is the potato here?

Is the potato here?

Ohh.

This trick's a real...

lemon.

Good night, everyone.

Amazing!