Original subtitles

'Are you sitting comfortably?

'Good. Then we'll begin.'

I don't remember asking for your fucking opinion, sweetheart.

Get away from my wife!

I'll know if it's loaded, you stupid wanker.

Run. Ah!

Run!

He's coming. He's coming. Put it in first. Put it in first! Hurry, he's coming.

- I'm trying! I'm trying! - Hurry!

'So, how did a nice normal couple from Auckland end up in such a sticky situation?

'Well, it all started rather deliciously

'with a can of beans.'

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Um...

What we're looking for here, Gary, is a positive outcome for us both.

You're a mate, Wade. Don't bullshit me.

It's a bit of a shitstorm upstairs. Why didn't you just tell someone?

He's worked for the company for 20 years -

never made a mistake. It was an accident.

15 days of productivity lost, irreparable damage to the brand.

Someone has to pay.

Don't be such a pussy, yeah. It's your job to fire people.

Why don't we just own it? It was a safety issue.

We need a scapegoat.

At the end of the day, it's the most extreme moments of our lives that bring us closer together,

closer to the ones we love.

Babe. Hey. I packed your bag. And, uh...

I've got your good suit, but can you grab that coffee machine? That thing weighs a tonne.

Shit.

At a stretch, we'll miss out on that thing at the beginning.

I know. It's just it's the day before their big day. I don't want us to add to their stress. It's...

I suppose we could make up a story. Maybe we could fudge the truth a little bit.

I mean, you got held up at work's not lying, is it?

What are you doing?

Wade?

I quit today.

Again?

I should've talked it through with you. It was a spur of the moment thing.

It was a matter of principle.

I can't stand here and be a part of this. You know what? I quit.

No. No. No. No, you can't do that. Hey. What are we gonna do without you?

You did the right thing. You stood up for what you believed in, and that's why I love you.

Has it occurred to you that we spend a lot of time doing things

we don't wanna do for people we really don't like?

I mean... Jolene and Felix, they're technically Facebook friends, and here we are driving

all this way to their wedding with this giant, expensive gift that we really can't afford.

Do you think that we're...

too nice? No.

No, I'd say...

We're average. Average?

I think I wanna try one of the best ice creams in New Zealand.

What about the wedding? Stuff the wedding.

Stuff the wedding? Stuff the wedding! Stuff the wedding.

Hi. BOY: Hi.

This place is so cute. It's got such a charm to it, doesn't it? Mm.

Fuckin' arsehole. BOY: Yeah, fuck off. I'll fuckin' kill you, fag.

Oh, look. Those kids don't need an iPad to have fun. I know.

And this tastes real good, and it only cost two bucks. Mm. Well, you should try mine.

Mm, OK.

Is it gone? Mm-hm.

Mm-mm.

And there it was - a place where Mr and Mrs Whitebread could totally be themselves -

no Auckland mortgage, no pressure.

I'll fuckin' stab you!

Here? HAPPILY: Yeah.

Yeah, and I reckon the rug maybe in the... lounge. Yeah.

Uh. Awesome.

Wait. Yeah?

Look!

Oh my goodness.

It's still warm. Look at that.

24 hours in the country, and we have livestock.

We need to find it. I can get one of those, um, house things. Oh, I'll have a look on Trade Me.

We can have our own eggs every day.

What?

Did you ever think about what happened to the man who got everything he ever wanted?

He lived happily ever after, but what did he do after that? Oh.

Well, you completely skipped over the best part. What?

The happy ending.

Oh.

There's nobody around for miles and miles and miles.

Hello! Cooee!

Is anyone home? Yep!

Elsbeth Brady. Uh. Is this a good time?

I didn't realise it, Mrs Brady, but I hated my job; My job hated me. Oh dear.

Penny and I are nice people, and we wanted to live near other nice people.

I'm sure.

Excuse me. I must sound like a crazy person.

Well, as long as you're not more of those dirty chinks moving in, that's all I care about.

Excuse me?

Mrs Brady? Mrs Brady?

Wh-Wh-? I dunno.

Hello? Hello?

One minute we were chatting away, the next she was dead.

OK.

I thought while I was here, I'd kill two birds with one stone - so to speak.

On behalf of Alberton Rotary, I'd like to present you

with this basket full of goodies from our local businesses.

A voucher from Alice's Dairy in there. Best ice cream in New Zealand.

Come on, Norm, give us a hand, eh?

Jesus, what the fuck is blocking her?

It's traditional in situations like this to offer the guest a cup of tea.

There's a...

Yeah. Delicious.

- Oh, hello. - There you are.

I've been wondering when you'd show up.

We found its nest inside. Do you know the eggs were still warm?

You're not gonna get a lot of eggs out of that bird.

It's a cock.

Trying to quit.

So, uh, what are you going to do around here? Early retirement, is it?

Oh, no, no. No, I just, sort of, help out on books, so I can work from home.

Ah. Books.

Not just helping out. Penny is a book editor. You ever heard of Cutter Anderson?

Yeah. I love his stuff. Mm.

Yeah. So what's he like, you know, in real life?

What do you mean 'moving'?

To Alberton. It's a really lovely town just outs-

Where is not relevant! Your work is here.

The fact that you are moving implies you no longer require it. He's put you up to this, hasn't he?

Oh. Lost another job, has he? Well, I imagine life's going to be rather difficult

for the pair of you with neither of you working.

Cutter, please.

I assure you that this will not affect the quality of my work.

I promise you I-I won't let you down. You better not!

You know, he is a great boss.

Wait till I tell folks we've got a celebrity in town. Hm.

So, um, you work in books too?

In between jobs at the moment. Uh, get the sack, did you?

I can't stand here and be a part of this. You know what?! I quit.

Oh no. You can't do that. What are we gonna do without you?

Yeah, it works for me. Resignation accepted.

Wade is a really talented gardener. You should've seen what he did at our old place. That's kinda...

That's kinda his thing.

I see you've inherited the beast. Oh, the ute? Yeah, it's a... It's a real bonus.

Nah, that thing.

Oh, the pony. Yeah, I know. I mean, we don't even know his name.

Black Cyril.

I'd give it a wide berth if I were you.

Why? Is he a bit shy?

Used to belong to a breeder named Monty.

Had a champion thoroughbred called Stargazer.

Beautiful creature but lonely.

Got Black Cyril in to keep him company. Oh.

Little Bastard bit the shit out of Gazer - so bad they had to put him down. It was a tragedy.

Monty was so furious, he hit Cyril with a sledgehammer.

The pony didn't even blink.

Just went on eating grass.

So, let's check out that ute, eh?

Just put your foot down on the clutch.

Yeah, that's the brake. The other one's the clutch.

Neutral, first, second, third, fourth, reverse. Got it?

Right. Better shoot through. If you have any other problems, just give us a call.

My private number.

Hooroo.

OK. Oh my gosh, look at these. Oh. This is the good stuff. Compliments of the Telegraph Pub.

We'll save that for a special occasion. And a free haircut courtesy of Tina -

home of the Brazilian. I find that hard to believe. I mean, unless Tina actually is Brazilian.

'It's called conflict resolution, Wade.

'You see, your problem is that you got into HR because you like people.'

Yeah, and most vets get into their job because they like animals, but what they don't realise

is that 80% of their job is putting fluffy little fur babies out of their misery.

Dude, you need to sack up.

You need to sack up. You need to sack up. You need to sack up.

Babe.

Don't do that to yourself.

'You need to sack up.'

Frumpy stuff. Just... What are you doing?

Follow me.

Did I mention this is deeply weird? We're burying the past,

building a beautiful new life in this beautiful place. Oh.

Mwah.

'Oh, what a softcock.'

Well, he cried because I smashed over his car.

What a pussy.

Yeah, he was lucky it was just his car, eh?

Hubcaps are easier to replace than kneecaps.

Yeah.

Braden, go see what your dad wants on his toasties.

Will you do it now or you'll get a hiding!

Yeah, right.

Hey, Braden-Stop it!

Dad.

Dad.

It's clear.

You know you shouldn't be disturbing Daddy when he's at work.

I know, but Mum wants to know what you want on your toastie. Oh, right.

Cheese, ham.

No pineapple.

You wake up, all right? Yeah. We haven't finished yet.

That one goes over there.

There's heaps of people coming, ladies, so we'll probably need more sausages.

We'll need a whole lot more after that. They're looking great. Oh.

Hello.

They're-They're home-made.

Desiree does the sausage rolls, that's all.

Still... always good to have some in reserve.

OK, ladies, let's get going. Elsbeth would want us to make

a really, really good show of this, wouldn't she?

Did you see what she was bringing?

Honestly.

There was a lot of wisdom behind her. Had a lot of wise words.

Oh.

Wade and Penny, this is Chalky. Tonks - local vet, but...

But what?

But nothing.

You're the vet. You wouldn't happen to know where we could buy a chicken hutch, would you?

Oh. Wade and Penny, this is Ken - Mrs Brady's brother and mayor of Alberton.

Aren't you Kenny? Mm.

So sorry for your loss.

So did she offer anything to you before she passed? Scones.

No, Wayne.

What were her last words?

'As long as you're not more of those dirty chinks.

Dirty chinks, dirty chinks, dirty chinks, dirty chinks, dirty chinks.'

Can't remember. Mm.

Can't remember?

'Dirty chinks. Chinks, chinks, chinks, chinks, chinks.'

Come with me, guys. Oh boy.

Uh, here's some other newcomers.

Might be more your speed.

Hi. I'm Penny. This is Wade. Oh, yeah. We know who you are. Oh.

You killed Mrs Brady. Oh, we didn't kill her.

No, this was a good thing. It means that we're not the stinky kids any more.

You are.

I mean, pity you're not Muslims. God, that would've been the jackpot. Mm.

Uh, we're from Auckland too. Justin and Luck Chang. Oh.

Hi, Luck. Hi.

Hey. Hey. Oh, so nice to meet you.

Oh, and these people, yeah, they're all as bad as they seem. Mm.

But they're just way fun to mess with. I mean, none of them think I can speak English.

Well, I'll see you guys later. See you. Bye.

El...

Elsbeth Brady

will be greatly missed by her brother Ken,

her two daughters, Pearl and Jill,

her six grandchildren and her great-granddaughter

and-

But it's easy to forget

she was also a loving wife to Howard.

And when Howard-

this man hollowed by cancer -

a shell -

Elsbeth-

was right there by his side.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

I'm really-I'm so-I'm so sorry. I'm so-We're really. I'm-Fuck me.

Really sorry.-

The thing about Elsbeth...

They must think that we're monsters. While she was talking about the husband's cancer.

We're just gonna have to front up and apologise. No. No. No.

We'll wait for the dust to settle, and then we'll figure it out. Really?

OK.

Oh God. They've come to run us out of town.

Great. Just-Just here. Very generous of you. You know, especially after -

What?! I'm not giving it to you. I'm not a charity, bud. Oh, right.

Four hundy.

That is very reasonable of you, Mr Chalky. Thanks.

Bugger me. Is that little black bastard still alive?

Oh, look.

Hello. It's your new home.

Oh, this is so exciting. Wait. We could sell the eggs.

'Fresh Eggs', that's what we call you lifestyle blockers.

The first thing you do is put out a sign -

'Fresh eggs' or 'artisan honey' or bloody 'home-made chutney'.

If you start trying to sell fresh eggs, you'd be a laughing stock, bud.

Well, I guess that is just more eggs for us, then.

I'll just go get some water for the little guy.

I'll give youse a heads up. Out here, this, it's not country living. It's country working.

This is where the real work is done - the meat, the milk, the wool. This is where it comes from.

It might look like green fields, but it's a bloody factory.

I give you three months.

'Yes, well, of course, that is a wonderful question.'

One never knows when an idea is going to turn up fully dressed at your front door

and ask the question, 'Do you want to dance?'

Yes. But, listen, I could not possibly-

possibly end this interview without thanking the unsung hero without whom my books could not exist.

And that is you, you gentle readers, you wonderful people.

Without you, I would be nothing.

Yes.

Why, thank you so much.

Hey there, fella. Just be cool.

Just be real cool.

That's not cool.

That's not cool. That's not cool. That's not cool! That's not cool!

Fucking hell.

Ahoy-hoy, Greg speaking.

Penny, gidday, what's up?

You're joking. In the back paddock? That's insane.

Uh... Look, I'm just going out. I'm off to bingo. So, I'll come around in the morning, eh?

The morning? Um...

Shouldn't you come now? Wade's already contaminated the crime scene.

'You're not writing one of your stories now, love. Just don't contaminate anything else.'

Here's what I want you to do - I want you to go to the fridge, take out a beer and enjoy it.

And I'll see you in the AM, OK? Right-oh, then.

Uh.

What did he say?

He said to have a beer, that he'd come around in the morning.

There's a dope plantation under our field. I nearly got killed.

I know. He said he was going to bingo. Maybe he didn't believe me.

Aucklanders.

Bit of an anticlimax, really.

I'm just glad it's not a murder.

I'm so tense.

Did I finish whipping the pie stuff?

What was that?

Hm?

Oh. I don't remember it being this strong.

The pie? No. This.

Oh. Mm.

Mm-mm. Oh.

Mm. That is because it's straight from the source.

I mean, this is not like that cabbage crap that we used to smoke in uni.

And they say that THC potency is much, much higher when it's grown hydroponically.

Whoa.

All my... My legs and arms are really warm. What are you feeling?

Mm.

Oh.

You're feeling that?

I think I'm feeling that.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Oh. Hello.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Mmm, mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm.

Shit! What?! Whoa.

Don't let me stop you. Huh?!

We need you to get out of our property.

Your property? Your property?!

Funny, cos that's exactly what I want to talk to you about. Oh.

Sit down.

I said sit down!

Smells like someone's getting high off my supply in here.

I have to warn you; I have called the police. Sergeant Ross.

Nothing drags him away from bingo on a Tuesday night. No one's coming.

The only one coming for you is me.

Now, let me outline the situation to you.

You are a little fat teenager with soft skin,

and you're currently sharing a cell with a big bad man who hasn't seen a woman in 10 years.

You are, for all intents and purposes...

Hey.

My bitch.

'It's called conflict resolution, Wade.'

What we want right now is a positive outcome for us both.

Uh, so I need to ask you, what does success look like for you?

You're a small businessman, so maybe I can make you a proposition.

I'm listening.

OK. So, we have some savings, so maybe we can pay you to take your operation somewhere else.

Interesting.

Here's my counterpoint.

Ugh.

I've been told I'm not very good at negotiation.

Please, don't you hurt my husband.

I don't remember asking for your fucking opinion, sweetheart.

Hey, get away from my wife!

Penny, come here.

OK, uh, stop right there. I-I-I will shoot you.

Here's a word of advice - if you're gonna shoot someone, let the gun do the talking.

OK. Stop there. I will-I will-!

Halt!

It's my gun. I know it's not loaded, you stupid wanker.

Wade! Wade!

Now you really pissed me off.

Wade, run!

Wade! Run!

He's coming. He's coming. Put it in first! Put it in first! Hurry, he's coming.

I'm trying! I'm trying!

Drive! Drive! Go! Move!

Motherfuck-

He's under the front wheel. It's OK. I'll back off him.

No. No. No. Wade!

I think you killed him. Oh.

Oh.

Come on, duck. Come on, son.

Shit it out there. Shit it out.

Yes. Yes, come on. Come on.

Yay!

Finally. There you go.

Ross.

Wade?

Yeah, no, look, I told Penny I'd be over in the morning, yeah.

What?

I can't tell if that's a nose or a... or a toe.

You really made a dog's breakfast of him.

So you say he came at you with a knife, yeah?

Not a knife. Uh, one of the big knife-y ones, the big ones.

Are you smoking dope?

When you run a man down with a car, that can be considered an accident.

But when you reverse back over him, that's brutal.

And you're bloody high on drugs.

I don't suppose you've got any real cigarettes on you, have you?

Let's go in the house and talk this through. We'll need a beer.

Thanks.

I'm going to prison, aren't I? It doesn't look good for you.

This is my grandfather's old service revolver -

killed a couple of Nazis with this.

There will be repercussions.

If you thought that ugly bastard out there was bad, you wait till you meet his missus.

Sorry. Sorry. I don't understand. Wake up, Wade. Who do you think called Pig in the first place?

You're in on this?! That plot out there is my retirement fund,

my little KiwiSaver.

But there are options.

Option A -

I take this gun, and I put a bullet in your pretty little wife's head.

- What's Option B? - I put one in yours.

What did you just do? He was gonna shoot you. He was negotiating.

That other guy said that if you're gonna shoot someone...

'Let the gun do the talking.'

So now you take advice from a guy who's got the word 'Pig' tattooed

on the back of his neck, who is also dead?!

I'm calling the police. We did call the police, Wade, and look what happened.

Pen, what have we done?

You ran over a man. That was an accident.

You ran over him twice. That doesn't look like an accident. And remember what he said - he said...

'There will be repercussions.'

Yeah, and you just shot him. You shot a police officer. Jesus Christ.

We're both murderers. We're going to prison.

'Dude, you need to sack up.'

You need to sack up. You need to sack up.'

We need to get rid of the bodies. Can we get some acid or something?

We don't have any acid, hon. Not enough to dissolve a whole body. We burn them, then.

Burning a body requires a huge amount of heat. Are you sure?

When Cutter wrote Ashes of the Dead, I did a lot of research into immolation.

Any dead bodies?

Actually, I might have an idea. Yeah?

Cutter's new book - The Hungry Grave.

The murderer hides the body in the last place that anybody would suspect - a fresh grave.

Mrs Brady.

Penny. I know. I know. I know.

I know it's not ideal, but it's all we've got.

First, we wrap up the bodies and then we clean up the crime scene.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Aargh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. OK.

Yeah. Oh.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Ah! Uh!

Put this over.

We get the bodies into the ute, and then you follow me,

while I drive Sergeant Ross' car back to the pub.

Pen, I can't let you drive it in. It's too risky.

I'll drive it in, and you follow.

OK. Why is this happening to us? We're really nice people.

Yes. Yes. Exactly. We are. And that is exactly why this is gonna work,

cos we're just a nice, gormless couple from the city, and nobody...

nobody will ever suspect us.

Fuck you. Bullshit. What's your problem, though? Every single time.

They fuckin' know; They can smell it on you.

This is hilarious. You - the man who spent his entire life avoiding conflict is now a double-murderer.

I mean, if you'd shown some of this killer instinct at work,

you'd probably still have a job. Shut the fuck up.

What's taking so long? What are you doing? Can we go?

Let's go. Yeah, yeah.

Go. Turn around. Turn around. Just turn around. I don't think he's seen us.

Hey. Justin, you're a cop. Well, you guys are out late.

Shopping.

We-We forgot that we don't live in Auckland any more and everything's shut.

You haven't got the munchies, eh?

Wow. Paranoid. It must be the good stuff.

Uh, BTW, uh, Luck wants you to come around for dinner. Think you can bring some weed?

Well, sharing's caring. How are you placed tomorrow?

Great. Great. Oh, great. Luck will call you.

Guess we better do this. Hm.

Name and address, please.

Uh, Wade McCarthy. Rose Cottage, North Road - 22.

Mm. Not a drop. Look, don't worry, I'm not going to bust our only friends in town.

Just don't go blazing and driving again, OK? All right. Move along, sir.

Safer communities together.

'At the end of the day, it's the most extreme moments of our lives that bring us closer together,

'closer to the ones we love.'

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

What are you doing? Come on, babe. I'm so sorry, Pen. What?

This is a frickin' disaster.

Hon, come on. No, it's not. No. It's not.

Because we... We're gonna figure this out, and we're gonna be OK.

OK?

I love you so much. Oh, I love you too.

Captions by Kristin Williams. Edited by Antony Vlug.

Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.

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