Original subtitles

Karp: Let me guess -- Franklin and Bash?

Carter: Yes.

But we don't have an appointment.

Karp: Oh, you're probably good.

Roll this way.

♪ ...John donne believe ♪

-(Peter) I do not. -(Jared) Yes, you do.

You do not wash the sink after you shave.

Peter: You leave toenail clippings all over the place.

Jared: What? No, I don't. Prove it.

Peter: "Prove it"? How am I supposed to prove it?

Jared: Offer me tangible proof, counselor.

Peter: "Tangible proof."

Karp: Gentlemen, clients here to see you.

Peter: We're on a conference call.

Whoa.

-Oh. Margot! -(Jared) Hey!

Peter: I told you that would work.

Show him. Show him.

Oh, that is great! Look at that.

-Ahh, that is a thing of beauty. -(Jared) Whoa. Piece of work.

Peter: Did you find her on the strand?

Carter: Uh, in the marina, actually.

Margot and I had a lovely afternoon.

Margot: Yeah, and these floors are sick.

I'm gonna go do crossovers in the lobby.

Karp: Actually, you're not. Come with me.

Margot: Oh, okay.

Carter: Innovative thinking.

[ Peter laughs ]

Carter: That's exactly what I'm looking for.

Peter: Well, it was sort of our marketing style

at our old firm --

Carter: Franklin & Bash, LLC, although you weren't actually

a limited liability corporation, were you?

Jared: Truthfully, we just like the way "LLC" sounds.

Carter: Like anybody ever checks.

Gentlemen, I would like to put you on retainer.

Jared: Let me get you a chair, Mr., uh...

Carter: Lang. Carter Lang.

I would have thought you two would have a better poker face.

Jared: This is our poker face.

Peter: 'Cause inside we're thinking,

"This is the C.E.O. of Groton Financial

who gave himself $20 million..."

Jared: "Even as his company and all its shareholders

went down the crapper."

Carter: Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

But I'd like to try to change all that.

You know, I'd like to try and compensate

all those who have suffered

due to my more, uh, regrettable executive decisions.

Jared: What, did you find God?

Carter: We'll find out soon enough.

Last week, I went for my annual physical.

I have the prostate of a 19-year-old

but the pancreas of a zombie.

I have two months to live.

-(Peter) Dude, that sucks. -(Jared) Sorry.

Carter: No, it's okay.

I've actually never felt more alive,

knowing I'm gonna die soon.

But I only have a little bit of time left,

and I need to aggressively liquidate the assets

to compensate the shareholders, and that's why I need you two.

Peter: Estate planning and corporate law

aren't really our strengths.

-I mean -- -(Carter) No, no, no, no.

I have a fleet of corporate lawyers to handle all of that.

You two -- you bring other skills to the table.

Jared: We'd like to help you out.

Peter: Yeah, if it's gonna help pay back

some of the people that you've screwed over.

Carter: Gentlemen, I assure you it will.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I'll be in touch.

Peter: All right.

Carter: Oh, by the way,

do you happen to have Margot's number?

She promised me she'd teach me to long-board.

[ Chuckles ]

Jared: I'm sorry. Actually, I don't have --

Peter: Nah, what do you need -- home number, cell?

What?

Jared: Nothing.

[ Rock music plays ]

♪ Franklin & Bash 1x06 ♪ Big Fish Original Air Date on July 6, 2011

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ such a vivid picture ♪

♪ ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ if I must say so myself ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Stanton: You know, I've dealt with a few

of these Carter Langs in my time, and I must say,

these death-bed conversions make me very skeptical.

Jared: Guy seems to have had a change of heart. We all make mistakes.

Peter: And he was on roller skates.

I mean, bad guys don't roller-skate.

There's science that backs that up.

-[ Stanton laughs ] -(Jared) We feel good about this.

Stanton: All right, good. Well, then congratulations.

I guess you you guys should be rewarded

for landing such a big fish,

so here are my floor seats for Staples tonight.

-(Peter) Hanging with Jack. -[ Jared laughing ] Yeah.

More like Penny Marshall. These are Clipper tickets.

Stanton: It's Carter Lang, not Bill and Melinda Gates.

The blowback for representing this turd

could be quite significant.

Jared: All right, third nacho boat was a bad idea.

Peter: You think?

Jared: Unless, of course, I die tomorrow,

and then I will regret having not had

that third round of nacho deliciousness.

Peter: You are not gonna die tomorrow.

Jared: You know what? Fortnight ago,

Carter Lang thought the same thing.

Peter: "A fortnight ago"? What are you, Samuel Clemens?

-(Jared) I am Samuel Clemens. -[ Peter laughs ]

-(Jared) Hey. -(Peter) What are you doing here?

Debbie: Carter Lang sent over some files.

Figured you might want to get started.

Peter: Hmm.

So, you meet this Allen yet?

Debbie: No, but it's only been two weeks.

Jared: You know, it is weird that you're still

-just in the texting phase. -(Peter) Mm.

Debbie: Well, I'm trying to figure out

if he wants something more or to be just, you know, F.W.B.

-(Peter) Ah. -(Jared) Debbie, you are talking

to two of the masters of text subtext.

All right, read one. Come on.

Peter: Come on.

Debbie: Um..."I dreamt about you last night."

-(Peter) Mm. -(Jared) Okay.

-He definitely wants benefits. -(Peter) Mm-hmm.

Jared: So you keep it light and flirty.

Peter: Yeah, write back,

"Would you consider us closer friends now?"

Debbie: Oh.

Jared: Yeah, we're that good.

Debbie: Okay, thanks.

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

-(Jared) All right. -(Debbie) Okay.

-(Peter) Yeah. -(Jared) Wait.

What, that's it -- a half-day?

-Oh. See? Kids. -(Peter) Yep.

Jared: Kids and their rock and roll and their loud music.

Peter: YouTube.

-(Hanna) Hey. -(Karp) Hello.

Hanna: You delivered Carter Lang to Franklin and Bash?

Karp: Oh, come on. He wasn't wearing a sign

that said "Litigious scumbag millionaire."

Besides, I got my eye on some bigger game.

-(Hanna) Who? -(Karp) Abha Jaya.

Hanna: Founder of Mandolin Exports?

Karp: Everyone's been trying to land her

since she fired her lawyers,

but no one has because she is bananas.

[ Hanna chuckles ] Which means she's fragile.

There's only one way to catch a butterfly --

get close and let her land on you.

Karp: You want in?

Hanna: We work good together.

Karp: Yeah, we made some rain.

Hanna: But I think we need to add one more to our team.

-Abha is Indian. -(Karp) Yeah.

Hanna: Of the 116 lawyers we have here and in New York,

we only have one of Indian descent.

Karp: Okay, so we use Pindar to help sign her,

and then we hip-check bubble boy into the boards.

Hanna: Oh, that's totally heartless.

Let's do it.

Carter: Gentlemen.

[ Sighs ] I may have a problem.

-(Jared) Chafing? -(Peter) Wrong door.

This is solutions.

Jared: Like, you might be able to liquidate half

of Groton Financial's foreign assets

without going through receivership.

That may pay back some shareholders.

Carter: Excellent.

Not exactly what I'm talking about.

Peter: Oh, if you're getting me

the ironic male stripper again, not the time.

Jared: There's always time for strippers.

Detective: Are you Carter Lang?

John: Yes, that's Carter Lang. I work with him.

Carter: Jared, Peter, I'd like you to meet my protégé,

-Johnny Stills. -(John) John Stills, thank you.

Detective: Mr. Lang, you're under arrest for grand larceny.

Peter: Whoa, whoa, guys, hold up. Hold up. Hold up.

As C.E.O., Mr. Lang is within his rights

-to liquidate Groton's assets. -(John) Well, that's super.

But I'm talking about my boat. He stole it.

-(Jared) What? -(Peter) No way. -(Carter) Johnny, please.

Where would I hide an 80-foot yacht,

not to mention the considerable proceeds

from its rapid foreign sale?

John: I don't know, Carter -- somewhere I couldn't find them?

Jared: You have any proof?

John: Yeah, 20 knots in a no-wake zone.

Detective: Harbor master got him on video.

We'll burn you a DVD.

Carter: Gentlemen, time to earn your money.

[ Handcuffs click ]

Jared: Hey, what are you doing in first class?

Ellen: I've been promoted to Major Crimes.

Peter: Really?

We wipe the floor with you every other month, and you fail upward?

I want to work in the D.A.'s office.

Ellen: Not exactly. Our case load's been heavy,

and what with your ex-fiancée leaving soon

on a 2-week Italian honeymoon and bangfest,

Harrison put me on this.

Ladies.

[ Jared laughs ]

"Bangfest."

Ellen: Your honor, the fact that Mr. Lang paid himself millions

while costing thousands of mom-and-pop investors

their entire life savings should not impact on your ability

to be impartial in setting his bail.

[ Judge Hong ] Thank you, Ms. Swatello.

Bail is set at $1 million.

Jared: Your honor, come on.

-(Carter) They take cash, right? -(Jared) Yes.

Carter: I think we can post that right now.

Jared: Your honor, we can post that right now.

Ellen: Oh, look. They washed off all the blood.

Pindar: I know who Abha Jaya is.

She's the founder of the Mandolin Exports empire

and is looking to expand her operation into the U.S.

Hanna: Correct. And we thought with your extensive knowledge

of local tax codes that you could help us.

Carmen: Oh, and the fact that Pindy is Indian and so is Abha?

Karp: Oh, my God, I had not even thought of that.

-(Karp) Did you think of that? -(Hanna) No.

Karp: Well, that's great. That's an added bonus.

Thank you so much for pointing that out, uh...

-(Hanna) Carmen. -(Karp) Carmen.

Carmen: Uh, he is not interested in signing clients, okay?

If he wanted to work in sales,

he'd go back home and work at a call center in Mumbai.

Pindar: They called me, okay? Geez.

Hanna: Are you familiar with minders, finders, and grinders, Pindar?

Pindar: Yes, minders take care of the clients,

finders sign new ones, and grinders do the grunt work.

Hanna: And what are you?

Pindar: Somebody has to descend into the coal mine

and hunt for precedents and obscure law.

I am proud to be a grinder.

Karp: Fair enough, but do you get the respect you deserve

from Franklin and Bash for being a grinder?

Pindar, tell the truth.

Carmen: Yes, he does.

Karp: All right, well, let us know if you change your mind

and you'd like to join our team.

-(Both) I will. - [ Pindar Grunts ]

-(Karp) Crap. -(Hanna) Wow.

If you can't close Pindar, how are you gonna --

Karp: I'm sorry. Was I alone on this call?

Hanna: Oh.

[ Carter laughs ]

Jared: When you said "liquidating assets,"

we assumed you meant company assets.

Carter: Company assets, yes.

That's adorable. [ Chuckles ]

You two have no idea how Wall Street works, do you?

Groton Financial is a carcass.

It's been picked clean by upper management.

-(Peter) You mean by you. -(Carter) And a lot of others.

If I want to reimburse people,

I have to go where the meat is now.

I bet posing as a vendor's a good way to break into a house.

-(Jared) Sorry? -(Carter) Nothing.

One pretzel, my good man, extra mustard. Thank you.

Peter: Carter, what are you planning?

Carter: I have a kind of a bucket list.

Peter: I have a feeling it's not learning French

or playing Pebble Beach.

As your lawyers, we have to inform you that --

Carter: No, no, no, no, no. No, I'm not listening to you.

[ Chuckles ]

Delicious.

Can you believe I used to spend $400 on lunch?

[ Chuckles ]

Keep the change.

Put them in a good trade school. That's where the future is.

Man: Thank you, sir. Keep the pretzel cart.

Carter: Yacht money.

Jared: Okay, that was pretty cool.

Carter: Well, the working stiffs deserve a break.

There's a lot of other guys out there,

sleazy guys, guys like John Stills.

They deserve something else.

Peter: You know, Carter --

Carter: Gentlemen, I don't have a lot of time left

to do what I know is right.

You're not gonna change my mind.

Peter: This is my temple.

Karp and Hanna asked for your help to sign a client? Why?

Pindar: Quit acting so surprised. I have things to offer.

Otherwise, why would you have hired me?

Jared: You double as our I.T. guy.

Peter: You paid us to be our intern.

Pindar: The client and I have a lot in common.

Jared: Like what?

Pindar: Overlapping phobias.

We both collect PEZ dispensers.

We both kept all our baby teeth.

Peter: And what kind of legal support will you provide,

besides being her mirror image of crazy?

Pindar: That has not yet been clearly defined,

and you offend me.

Peter: Just watch your back with Karp.

Pindar: And who has my back here, huh?

I am going to lend my expertise to Karp and Hanna

because I am a grinder.

Peter: What's with him?

Jared: Really? You ask that now?

Carmen: You know, I hate to pop your bromance bubble,

but, um, you two could learn

to be a little bit more appreciative

of the things people do around here.

Peter: Think she's right?

Jared: It's food for thought.

[ Telephone rings ]

Both: Pindar!

Pindar: It's for you!

Peter: Man.

[ Beep ]

Hello?

Are you kidding me?

[ Police radio chatter ]

Jared: So, your own naked fun run is part of the bucket list?

[ Carter chuckles ] Yes, it is.

You should try it sometime.

Jared: Used to. Had to give it up -- bad knees.

Peter: And how does getting arrested on a nude jog

help the shareholders?

Carter: It's not all about money.

I want them to feel satisfied.

I have a feeling a humiliating shot of me in the newspapers

ought to make them smile.

[ Car door closes ]

Jared: You believe him?

Peter: I don't know, but I'm betting they'd prefer the cash.

Jared: Yes, in previous bail hearings,

we promised Mr. Lang would stay out of trouble,

but, your honor, as we stated earlier, he's dying.

Peter: And trying to achieve closure.

Ellen: He was naked in a neighborhood with families.

Jared: And you kind of wish he was in your neighborhood?

-(Ellen) What? What? Your honor? -(Jared) What?

Peter: Your honor, this is a misdemeanor.

Bail schedule for indecent exposure is $10,000, correct?

-(Jared) Yep. -(Ellen) But, uh...

Except this is his second offense in the last 24 hours.

The people request bail in the amount of 2 --

5 -- 10 -- $10 million.

-(Jared) $10 million -- -(Peter) Your honor.

Carter: It's all right. It's okay.

Your honor, I can have that for you by tomorrow.

[ Judge Hong ] Okay, bail is set at $10 million.

Jared: Whoa, what is he doing here?

[ John clears throat ]

Ellen: Uh, your honor, in light of recent revelations,

we ask that this man be held in custody without bail.

-(Peter) What revelations? -(John) He broke into my house.

Carter: I forgot to hydrate, Johnny.

-I had to have a drink. -(John) Yeah?

Out of a $8,000 bottle of Pinot seurat?

-(Carter) That's high, John. -(John) That's not the point.

Carter: That had turned. It was vinegary.

John: The point is, you stole from me, Carter.

Carter: The tannins were all -- [ Gavel banging ]

[ Judge Hong ] Are you accusing Carter Lang of breaking and entering?

Ellen: Yes, your honor.

He also stole approximately $5 million in bearer bonds.

[ Judge Hong ] Ms. Swatello,

do you have any evidence against Mr. Lang?

Ellen: He was apprehended a block from Mr. Stills' home...

Jared: Circumstantial, your honor.

Ellen: ... where his clothing was found in Mr. Stills' wine cellar.

Jared: Dude, you are so much better as a white-collar criminal.

Carter: I had to nude-up to get out the window.

It was a very tight space.

John: I know what you're doing, Carter.

Carter: That's more than I can say for your barber, Johnny.

John: Oh, really? That's interesting, coming from you.

You know a lot about haircuts, would you?

Carter: Mine is a genetic problem, John.

John: Oh, it is? Genetic? Really?

Carter: It's about testosterone production.

[ Judge Hong ] Enough! That's two felonies

and one misdemeanor within 24 hours, Mr. Lang --

not quite three strikes,

but close enough for me to remand you without bail.

This time, you're staying in jail.

Bailiff, get him out of here.

-(Jared) That went well. -[ Carter sighs ]

How are you? Good to see you.

Ah. [ Handcuffs click ]

Peter: Well, Jared's checking in with Lang's doctor.

If we get him to testify, we might get some leniency from the judge.

-(Stanton) Well, that's smart. -(Peter) Yeah.

It seems like Lang's trying to fix things, you know?

Stanton: You know, it's better to give with a warm hand

-than a cold one... -(Peter) Yeah.

Stanton: ...Which is why I give 10% of my income

to 73 different charities worldwide.

Peter: I'll remember that.

Stanton: Well, you don't have to. I can take care of it.

How about half your bonus to Save the Children?

I'll put it in a side letter.

-(Peter) Uh, thank you. -(Stanton) Mm, no!

Thank you!

Peter: Wh--

Jared: Hey, I talked to Lang's doctor.

Peter: Uh-oh. Not good?

Jared: No.

Peter: He's got less than two months to live?

Jared: Worse.

[ Door opens ]

[ Keys jangling ]

[ Door slams ]

-(Peter) Hey, Carter. -(Jared) Carter!

Carter: One of the advantages of being a pariah --

I get a single.

And I can finally get to reading again.

I just hope I have time to finish "The Brothers Karamazov."

Peter: Oh...

Jared: I think you're gonna get there.

-(Peter) Yeah. -(Jared) Yeah.

-(Peter) We have some news. -(Jared) Yeah.

We, uh, went and saw your doctor today.

Sometimes it helps to get a doctor's note when getting leniency.

It's like high school, really. [ Chuckles ]

Carter: Is there a problem?

Jared: No, more of a...development.

Peter: You were misdiagnosed.

Carter: What?

What have I got?

Peter: Uh...Nothing.

There was a mix-up in the lab.

You're a healthy 48-year-old man.

Carter: Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

I-I'm healthy?

Jared: Yeah.

Except, you know, you're in jail for -- what?

Peter: Pfft. Many, many years.

Jared: Like a lot.

♪ My time will come ♪

[ Carter chuckles ]

♪ I believe it ♪

Ugh.

♪ My time will come ♪

Jared: Well, you did break the law.

Carter: I was told I was dying.

You told me that would be mitigating.

Jared: Well, it's not foolproof.

I mean, theoretically, everybody is dying.

Carter: All right, let's try and find some way

to mitigate this, shall we, boys?

Jared: Hey, we're on the same team.

Carter: No, no, no, no, no,

that would imply we're teammates, equals.

You work for me.

Abha: I have another meeting in five minutes.

Let's start without him.

Hanna: Yes, okay, well,

we have over 100 lawyers here and in New York --

Abha: I don't fly. I'm aviophobic.

Karp: And you don't -- you don't have to fly.

We're just saying we have infrastructure in place on both coasts.

Abha: I like intimacy.

Don't think just because you have a lot of lawyers,

it's going to impress me.

Oh, look -- a lawyer on your team who looks like me.

Where do I sign?

Pindar: Sorry I'm late, guys.

I ate a cookie that might have been made in a facility

where peanuts, soy, and milk are packed.

In case I'm allergic,

I had to double-check the expiration on my epipen.

Crisis averted. Let's --

Karp: Yes, let's get started. So --

Abha: I never leave home without my epipen...or latex gloves.

And surgical masks aren't just for S.A.R.S. anymore.

Pindar: S.A.R.S. -- Another reason

all birds should be destroyed.

Abha: And, of course, you can't go anywhere

Pindar: Tell me about it.

I developed an immunity to over-the-counter sanitizers.

So I make my own out of kerosene, aloe vera,

and my own patented bleaching ingredient.

Abha: I am intrigued.

I look forward to meeting you, Pindar, in person.

-Let's schedule a meeting. -(Pindar) That would be fine.

Karp: Actually, you should know

that Pindar's not gonna be part of the traveling team.

Hanna: He's agoraphobic.

Abha: Well, as someone who has

her own psychological issues, I understand.

In fact, I was diagnosed with a new one today --

stimulatic acute reflux.

Pindar: That's quite impressive.

Abha: I'll come to you, Pindar.

Karp: I don't know if that's the best --

Abha: My office will send my allergy list to you. Bye, now.

Pindar: Guys, that went fantastic. Great job, team!

Okay, on the count of three, let's break.

One --

Karp: Man cave. Awesome.

Peter: Maybe we caught him on a bad day.

Let's cut him some slack.

-(Debbie) Here you go. -(Peter) Thank you.

I'm guessing no face time yet?

-(Debbie) We're both busy. -(Peter) Mm.

Jared: Debbie, men who text only want sex.

Debbie: Why? Because it rhymes?

Peter: We know how men manipulate women --

the "Aw, shucks, I'm just shy and quirky.

Let's take it slow."

Next thing you know, it's 2:00 a.m., you're naked in a bouncy house.

Jared: It's been known to happen.

Debbie: Maybe I like the bouncy house.

Jared: You try to help some people.

Peter: Yeah. We try.

Jared: We try.

Mr. Stills, is it true that you purchased the items

that were liberated from your home --

John: You mean "stolen."

Jared: The yacht, the Pinot seurat,

even the bearer bonds -- those were all bought

by bonus money you received from 2006 to 2010?

John: Yes, I believe so.

Jared: That's a hell of a bonus.

Would you tell the jury

the accounting practices that allowed you that bonus?

Gerry: Objection. Relevance? Mr. Stills is not on trial.

[ Judge Hong ] Sustained.

[ Jared clears throat ]

Mr. Stills, you mind if I tell you a story?

John: Do I have a choice?

Jared: Ah, blah.

Peter and I were a couple months behind on rent once.

Peter: I think it was like seven?

-(Jared) What? -(Peter) Seven.

Jared: One night we came home to find our $1,800 TV missing.

Turns out our landlady took it

to make up for the rent she was owed.

Now, Mr. Stills, did Mrs. Harrelson steal our TV?

John: Yes, I would say she did.

-(Jared) That's what we said. -(Peter) I...

Jared: But she didn't.

The doctrine of right to self-help

allows corrective measures to be taken by private citizens

in order to redress gross injustices.

That's what Carter Lang was doing

by returning the shareholders' money.

Gerry: Carter Lang is not a landlord.

Do we really need to hear this, your honor?

[ Judge Hong ] Listen to it if you want, Mr. Nelson.

I respect your creativity, Mr. Franklin,

so I'll give you a little leeway.

Do you have any substantive evidence?

Jared: Your honor,

what we're doing here is kind of arguing by analogy.

[ Judge Hong ] Well, then, here's an analogy for you --

if this court were a creek, you, counselor, don't have a paddle.

Jared: That's a lame analogy. Ours were way better.

[ Judge Hong ] Excuse me?

Jared: We agree, your honor.

Carter: That's it, hmm, the self-help thing?

What is this, lawyer camp?

Jared: We've had success with analogies.

Peter: You did steal a lot of stuff.

Jared: Some of it while naked.

Carter: You know what Wall Street got right?

-(Jared) Skyboxes? -(Peter) Ukrainian hookers?

Carter: Motivation, bonuses,

employees that eat what they kill.

I'd like to see if I can motivate you boys.

Peter: Oh, Carter, we can't take bonuses

on the outcome of your case.

Jared: We can't?

Carter: No, you misunderstand.

You reviewed the penal-code sections for burglary

prior to my breaking into that house.

I mean, my office sent you files and blueprints

of Johnny Stills' house.

-(Peter) Mm-hmm. -(Jared) So...

Carter: Well, it's just with those records,

it wouldn't be hard to make a case

that you two had prior knowledge of my future crimes.

I think that makes you accessories,

and [sighs] given your reputation

and the way that prosecutor looked at you...

[ Jared chuckles ]

Carter, threatening us isn't gonna do any good.

Carter: Really? 'Cause I find that fear

is a much better motivator than money.

Peter: You know, I liked you a lot better when you were dying.

Carter: Go to Stills.

Tell him to get the D.A. to drop the charges,

and I will give him back some of his toys.

And try not to be total pussies and give away the whole farm.

Carmen: Hello. [ Chuckles ]

You must be Ms. Jaya.

Please come in. Mr. Singh is expecting you.

[ Clears throat ]

Hanna: Just so you know,

we're not sure what you're gonna see in here.

Karp: Yes, Pindar has roommates, and so he's not

entirely responsible for the condition of his home.

Hanna: Wow.

Pindar: Ms. Jaya, thank you so much for coming today.

Abha: A gift, from my personal PEZ collection.

Pindar: First edition?

These are priceless.

Thank you.

Carmen: Tea?

Abha: Thank you. That would be lovely.

And so is your home.

Pindar: Thank you.

Peter: No way he has a case, right?

Jared: It's just a desperate threat by a desperate guy.

There's no way we'd do hard time.

Stanton: The Buddha says that physical deprivation

can lead to spiritual enlightenment.

Jared: We're gonna bite the pillow.

Stanton: Boys, nothing's changed.

Carter Lang is still your client, period,

so just win his freedom.

Peter: Well, okay, here's the thing --

he's really, really guilty.

Jared: Oh, and one more thing -- he's a total dick.

Stanton: Eh? Nevertheless.

Peter: Yeah, well, all right.

We could go to Stills

and talk to him about dropping the charges

if Lang returns the stolen property.

Stanton: And what about the other Groton Financial execs

who made a bundle?

Peter: No, Lang only went after Stills.

Jared: Which is odd because there was a whole cabal

who got filthy rich at Groton.

Peter: Yeah, why did Lang only go after Stills?

Stanton: I suggest you find out.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Jared: Oh, here we go.

Mr. Stills, can we talk to you for a minute?

-(John) No. -(Peter) Well, we noticed

that Carter Lang focused his efforts only on you.

Jared: Why do you think you're the only employee he stole from?

Fine. We'll call every Groton employee to the stand,

and we'll suss it out in court. It'll be fun.

Peter: Yeah, sure. Who knows what else might turn up?

Jared: I can't imagine what it'll do to the stock price, though.

-(Peter) Uh, not good. -(Jared) Probably gonna plummet.

-(Peter) Hope so. -(Jared) Plummet.

John: A year ago, the board decided

that I was gonna become the new C.E.O. of Groton,

replacing Carter.

He isn't happy.

He thinks that I took his job.

Peter: That's why he was ripping you off?

John: When he was first diagnosed,

I guess he looked at the rest of his time left

as a "What the hell?" So he went after me.

Peter: Well, why didn't you say anything?

That would tear down our Robin Hood defense and establish motive.

Jared: Because the board wants to keep the transfer of power

drama-free, right?

Peter: So Carter Lang wasn't just stealing from you

to reimburse the shareholders?

John: Carter? [ Laughs ]

That's rich.

You want to know what he calls shareholders?

"The dumb money."

He was just compensating them

because it would look good in his New York Times obit.

And let me tell you something -- if he walks out a free man,

don't think that another Fortune 500 company

won't hire him as their C.E.O.

Abha: An ordinance is prohibiting me

from building a clearance center in Turlock

that exceeds 100,000 square feet.

I need to get around it.

Pindar: Yes, I think our best course of action --

Hanna: Well, that's discrimination. We'll challenge the legislation.

Pindar: Yes, but a judge in Fresno --

Karp: We'll go to the Court of Appeals.

Local governments can't set these types of restrictions.

Pindar: Yes, but I think it might be better --

-(Abha) Do you have kids? -(Pindar) Excuse me?

Abha: Who made that?

Pindar: That would be...

Carmen: Artwork.

-(Pindar) Artwork. -Carmen: From your niece.

Pindar: From my niece. She's in kindergarten.

She used rice.

Abha: That's not rice.

What is that?

It looks like...

Oh, those are -- ohh!

[ Gasps ] Oh, that's toenail clippings.

-[ Gags ] -(Hanna) Ohh.

Karp: Oh, no, no, I'm sure they're not.

-(Hanna) Really? -(Karp) I'm sure it's --

oh, God. It's -- it's toenails.

Hanna: Who would make art out of toenail clippings?!

Abha: [ Breathing heavily ]

So close to where food is prepared.

[ Inhaler hisses ]

-(Hanna) Are you okay? -(Abha) I must lay down.

-(Hanna) Okay. -(Abha) No, no.

Not here, not here. I must get out of here.

[ Whimpering ]

And call 911.

Pindar: Ask for Eduardo!

Tell him Pindar sent you. He's...My friend.

Hi. [ Door opens ]

Karp: Okay... [ Door closes ]

...I'm not entirely surprised.

Pindar: It was Peter and Jared.

Peter was upset that Jared

was leaving his toenail clippings in the sink.

-(Karp) Shut up. -(Pindar) I'm not gonna touch it.

-I was -- -(Karp) Shut up.

-(Pindar) Get rid of it, but -- -(Karp) Shut...

[ Pindar gasps ] So scary.

Jared: 54 miles per hour.

[ Radar gun beeps ] Wouldn't make it in the majors.

Peter: There goes my career as a dart pitcher.

Jared: So, hypothetically...

Peter: I'm listening.

Jared: ...We lose this case

[Grunts] Carter gets convicted [Grunts] Goes to jail,

law-abiding people stop getting screwed out of retirement funds.

Peter: Yeah, and we do a little jail time, too.

Jared: But we'd be taking a selfish

and dangerous criminal off the street.

Peter: We're not prosecutors. We're advocates for our clients.

What are you getting at?

Come on. Performance art is one thing.

Throwing a case is another.

Jared: We take a risk every time we pull a stunt in court.

All I'm talking about is taking a bigger risk

[Grunts] With less chance for acquittal.

What's wrong with that?

Or are you just afraid of doing a little jail time?

Peter: Dude, look at me. I'm a walking dessert cart.

Jared: What are you talking about? I'm the cute one.

Come on.

I hit the bull's-eye, we do society a favor.

Peter: Say it out loud -- we take a dive.

Jared: I hit anywhere else, we represent our client properly.

Come on.

The chances of me hitting that bull's-eye are very, very low.

So...what do you say?

Stanton: Go for it.

Peter: We were -- we were joking.

Jared: Yeah, we're big into hypotheticals.

Stanton: I said go for it.

-[ Jared chuckles ] -[ Peter sighs ]

[ Dart thuds ]

Stanton: Now...Do what is right.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

[ Beep ]

Hanna: Forget it, Pindar. You're done.

Pindar: But she never heard my plan to get around the zoning.

Hanna: And she never will.

We had an inside track, and you blew it.

Now we're lumped into a dog-and-pony show

at her restaurant on Lock Choi

with a bunch of other firms to win over this freak.

-(Pindar) Let me come. -(Hanna) No.

I will post a guard at the door.

♪ Baby, I need it, I'll beg ♪

♪ baby, I need it, I'll beg ♪

Pindar: This is not fair.

Carmen: You know, Pindy, if you really want to go...

I'll take you.

Pindar: I would, but I fear just the sight of my face

will cause Ms. Jaya to go into some sort of toenail seizure.

Carmen: The lunch is at on lock's, right?

Pindar: Yes.

If there are laptops there,

I could teleconference my way in,

or if somebody can sneak my P.D.A. onto the table --

Carmen: No, that won't work.

Karp or Hanna will just shut it down.

Okay, I have an idea.

It'll take a unique delivery system,

but that just might be its charm.

Carter: Technically, I went about it the wrong way.

[ Chuckles ]

But if returning the money to the shareholders

makes me guilty, then you better lock me up right now.

Ellen: Prosecution has no problem with that, your honor.

Peter: Sarcasm -- the poor man's wit.

Ellen: Sorry. Did I just hear Janie

practicing her orgasms in Italian?

Peter: But it felt good, though, right,

giving that money back to all those that deserved it?

Carter: Yes, it felt great.

I wish, uh -- I wish I could have done more.

Peter: Ah, you know what else feels good?

Payback.

Carter: I don't follow.

Peter: Ah, a lot of people have a lot of reasons

to hate you, don't they?

[ Carter sighs ] I suppose.

[ Peter chuckles ] You suppose?

Dude, I mean, forget the thousands who lost their jobs

or life savings and pensions.

Let's talk about your private life.

[ Carter chuckles ] Let's not.

Peter: And how you were the first in your community

to put up a security fence?

How tall was it? Was it 10 feet, 12?

We could have the question read back, Mr. Lang, if you'd like.

Carter: 14 feet.

Peter: 14-foot security fence.

[ Inhales sharply ]

Yeah, I guess a $9 million,

27-room Cali-terranean needs security --

mostly from the ex-wife, correct?

Carter: Do I have to answer that?

Peter: Ah, sorry, sorry -- wives.

I mean, probably a good investment.

Cheated-on wives tend to get a little hot

when they get screwed out of alimony.

And they all got what -- zero?

Is that right?

Carter: I take the fifth.

Peter: Ah, too late. You would have had to do that when you took the stand.

Isn't that right, your honor?

[ Judge Hong ] Yes, and this line of questioning

better have a purpose, counselor.

Carter: You know, I do have something to say

about Franklin and Bash.

Peter: And we'd love to hear it...as soon as I'm done.

For right now, why don't you shut up and answer my questions?

[ Judge Hong ] Did you just tell your client to shut up?

Peter: "Go screw yourself" seemed inappropriate, your honor.

Carter: I don't have to take that.

[ Judge Hong ] You're right, Mr. Lang.

The law requires you be represented by competent lawyers.

I suggest you two get your act together,

or I will declare a mistrial.

Peter: You're absolutely right, your honor.

I'm sorry.

Keep your foot on the gas.

[ Jared clears throat ]

Lawyer: In 1998, our firm was instrumental

in challenging local laws and environmental laws

in getting the ballpark built on the waterfront.

Let us do the same for your company.

Abha: That's great, but you haven't told me how.

In fact, what I hear from all of you

is what you've done with former clients

but not what you'll do for me.

And now you're out of time.

Hanna: But you haven't heard our presentation.

Abha: I think Infeld/Daniels had their chance, Ms. Linden.

Thank you all for coming.

I will make my decision tomorrow.

Hanna: "A business venture planted up north

will soon bear fruit."

Karp: "Land-use caps and ordinances

"outlawing big box superstores

are enacted to protect small, local businesses."

Lawyer: What's going on?

Hanna: "Put Mandolin into that category,

just like Whole-Mart vs. Colton County."

Karp: "A 100,000-square-foot space

"could easily be two 50,000- or even three 30,000-square-footers

and be within code."

Abha: Uh, "For more details,

"contact your team at Infeld/Daniels --

Damien Karp, Hanna Linden, and Pindar Singh."

Lawyer: How cute.

Karp: I know, right?

And thank you for lunch.

Jared: Even your employees hated you.

Cash bar at the last Groton Christmas party?

Come on.

Carter: I was implementing a policy of corporate austerity.

Jared: While you gave yourself a 400% raise.

[ Judge Hong ] Mr. Franklin --

Jared: Your honor, some leeway?

We're trying to demonstrate that Mr. Lang is not a nice guy.

In fact, he is a blue-ribbon, grade-a, top-shelf a-hole.

[ Jurors murmuring ]

Actually, that was Ellen's job to prove, but we did it better.

Peter: Mm-hmm.

Jared: But, Mr. Lang, even someone as despicable as you

can change, right?

Would you say that you've changed

and seen the error of your ways?

Carter: Yes.

Yes, profoundly.

Jared: And to correct those ways,

are you not legally giving $129 million --

almost the balance of your personal estate --

to the shareholders of Groton,

many of whom are here today in court?

Carter: What?

Jared: I'm sorry. I'll speak up.

I said, are you not willing to put in writing

that you will legally liquidate your assets

to pay off the debt to your shareholders?

Carter: Yes.

Ellen: Objection! I think.

Withdrawn. No! I object.

We are still in the guilt phase of this trial.

Whether or not Mr. Lang feels remorse

-has nothing to do with -- -[ Judge Hong ] Sustained.

Ellen: Thank you.

Jared: The prosecution's right, for once.

Mr. Lang is guilty --

guilty of feeling guilty

and also of doing something about it,

which is also why he agreed

to spend the next two years doing volunteer work, correct?

-(Carter) No! -[ Jurors murmuring ]

Yes.

Jared: In Haiti.

Carter: Haiti?

I'm going to Haiti?

Jared: Haiti! I couldn't believe it, either.

Sharing his vast entrepreneurial expertise

with the small-business owners there.

Ellen: Your honor! Approach the bench?

[ Judge Hong ] Mm-hmm.

Gerry: Your honor, none of this is relevant.

Carter: I-I don't want to go to Haiti.

[ Judge Hong ] You just said you would, under oath.

I'm happy to add a perjury charge.

Peter: Ohh, perjury -- that would add at least,

-what, three years? -(Jared) At least three years.

-Yeah. -(Peter) Yeah.

[ Judge Hong ] If your client pleads guilty

to a lesser charge, agrees to pay back all that money,

and leaves for Port-au-Prince by the weekend,

he's out of jail today.

If not, we'll find out

exactly how much this jury hates you, Mr. Lang.

♪ My time will come ♪

Peter: Your call, Mr. Lang.

♪ I believe it ♪

Karp: You have to pull city-planning files on Merced County.

Pindar: Already on it, Captain, my Captain.

Bye, Damien. Love you, Hanna.

Hanna: Love you, Pindy.

Peter: What the hell is going on?

Pindar: I'm a team player.

I am loved. In your face!

Suck on that!

If I could leave the house, I would...

Woman: Here you go.

Peter: What is the deal with Pindy?

Jared: Who knows? Cabin fever, tourette's, scurvy.

Debbie: Hey, congratulations.

Both: Thank you.

Debbie: Aren't you gonna ask me about Allen?

-(Peter) Oh, no, no, unh-unh. -(Jared) No, ma'am.

Debbie: He asked me to dinner Saturday night --

Capo in Santa Monica.

Peter: There you go -- we were wrong.

Debbie: That's when his wife will be out of town.

-(Jared) We were right. -(Peter) Mm-hmm.

Debbie: So, I should say no, right?

I was joking.

Okay, "no," angry face.

Jared: No, wait, Debbie. That's a bummer.

I hope you're okay.

Debbie: I think so.

No sex -- no harm, no foul.

Jared: Good.

And we should make sure that you and Carmen and Pindy get raises

for all the hard work you do for us.

It's better to give with a warm hand than a cold one.

Debbie: That is very sweet of you.

Jared: Yes, it is.

Peter: Uh, Infeld/Daniels

usually gives the raises.

Jared: Who said that warm hand had to be mine?

Stanton: Nicely done, boys.

Peter: Hey, thank you.

Stanton: I knew you'd do the right thing.

-(Jared) Thank you, sir. -(Peter) And if we hadn't?

Stanton: Oh, well, it would have been incumbent upon me

-to have you both disbarred. -(Jared) Ah.

Stanton: By the way,

did you know that I won the European Pub Cup in '86?

I nailed it with a treble 18 with my last dart.

Jared: I think I read that somewhere.

Stanton: You know what?

Um, give me one of your hypotheticals.

I feel like I'm in the zone.

Jared: Okay, you hit the bull's-eye, I get Kate Moss

and Isabeli Fontana and your cabin in Taos.

If you miss it --

Peter: Miss it, his bonus goes to Save the Children.

Stanton: Excellent.

Jared: Wait. What?

-(Peter) Ohh. -(Stanton) Aw!

-(Peter) Yeah. -(Stanton) I'm sorry.

Jared: Wait. No, two out of three, two out of three.

Stanton: All right, that's fair. That's fair.

[ Sighs ]

Ah, well, with regrets from Kate and Isabeli.

But on behalf of the children, thank you. Mm.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Jared: Seriously, what happened?

[ Peter as Stanton ] You gave with a warm hand.

Jared: I'll give you a warm hand.

-[ Peter normal voice ] What? -(Jared) Nothing.

-[ Peter groans ] -(Jared) Unfair.

I don't even like children.

Peter: They like you.

Jared: They do, but that's just 'cause I --

-(Peter) You're the same size. -(Jared) Shut up.

♪ Wrap it up 'cause there's no doubt ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==