All language subtitles for Franklin Bash 01x05

Okay. Fourth and final roll.

Closest to the library door
without hitting it.

Franklin and Bash are a way.

Franklin and Bash is a way.

We're a team.

Oh yeah, well, they didn't do it
like that at my country club.

Jared: Go.
[ Indistinct shouting ]

Jared:
Go! Sweep! Sweep!

Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! Sweep!

Oh! Sweep!

Oh. Ah, Stanton. Hi.

-(Peter) Sorry.
-(Jared) Uh, you know what?

We were just, um...

Stanton: Don't bother.

Duncan Morrow.
His daughter, Eileen.

Peter: It's a pleasure.
Peter Bash.

Jared:
Sports-memorabilia people?

Ah, we've been expecting you.

Stanton:
Did you know, by the way,

that the best sports literature

works in direct relation
to the size of the ball?

For instance, the smaller
the ball, the better the book.

"Golf in the Kingdom."

-(Peter) Did not know that.
-(Jared) News to me.

Stanton:
Well, now you do.

Peter:
Seriously, he needs an MRI.

Jared:
Yeah, I know.

Peter:
Our office.

Duncan:
Yeah. Thank you.

Eileen:
Leather is the perfect medium.

They say fingerprints can last
up to 50 years on a baseball.

Jared:
"Ron Hassey, Dennis Eckersley...

Doug Harvey."

Duncan: From 1988.

Jared: Wait a minute.
This can't be...

This was never found.

Duncan:
Because I had it.

Jared:
Okay, if you're telling me

that's the Kirk Gibson
home-run ball,

I'm gonna have to lock
that door.

Duncan: It's Kirk Gibson's
home-run ball.

-(Jared) No way.
-(Duncan) Yeah.

Jared: No way!

-I was at that game!
-(Duncan) Oh, yeah?

Jared: Yeah!
Greatest home run ever.

-(Peter) Okay.
-(Duncan) I-it landed

five rows behind me
and ended up at my feet.

Peter:
You never showed it to anybody?

Duncan:
Well, I kind of liked

the legend of the missing ball.

Eileen: I had it authenticated
for my father's 65th birthday.

Duncan:
Wasn't that sweet of her?

Eileen: Oh, no. It turned out
to be a huge mistake.

My brothers were at the game
with him.

And now they're saying
they caught the ball.

Duncan:
They're suing me for the ball.

They want to sell it.

-(Jared) What?
-(Duncan) Yeah.

Jared: Why?

Peter:
Well, it's got to be worth

300, 400 grand easy, right?

Jared: A fool
knows the price of everything

and the value of nothing.

Peter:
That's beautiful.

Jared: Mr. Morrow,

we're gonna get this ball
the respect it deserves.

Duncan: [ Sighs ]

Eileen: [ Sighs ]

[ Rock music plays ]

♪ Franklin & Bash 1x05 ♪
You Can't Take It With You
Original Air Date on June 29, 2011

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ such a vivid picture ♪

♪ ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ if I must say so myself ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Peter: So, Colin, is there
ever a bad time to buy a house?

Colin: Um...

Greg:
When my brother's the agent.

-He couldn't close a suitcase.
-(Colin) I closed Ann Rushing.

Greg: Yeah, to get back at me
after I dumped her.

You were better off
with Shelley.

Jared: Shelley?

Greg:
What do you guys want?

Peter:
Well, we know that you've begun

court proceedings with
your attorney here for the ball,

but your, uh, father and sister

suggested
that we have a casual chat,

maybe see
if we can sort this out.

Steve:
Listening. Go.

Jared:
Well, the law became quite clear

during the fight
for Barry Bonds' ball --

and, hey, I realize
saying Bonds' name

in the same sentence
as Kirk Gibson --

sacrilege, uncool.

Barry Bonds?

Giant.

Arch rival.

Okay, um, a ball hit
out of the field of play

is "owned" by the first person
who picks it up.

Steve: Exactly.
Possession is 9/10 of the law.

Jared:
But we possess the ball.

Greg: It's our ball.
We picked it up.

Jared:
"We"? Together?

-(Greg) Yeah.
-(Colin) Yeah.

Greg: Colin helped me...
Pick it up.

Peter: [ Chuckles ] You're
actually gonna let your --

Jared:
You know what?

I wish we could have come
to an agreement. I really do.

But, uh, I guess we'll just see
what happens in court.

All right? Okay.
Thanks for your time.

Steve:
Thought that went well.

Peter: What the hell
was that all about?

Jared: Dude,
their lawyer's incompetent.

-(Peter) Clearly.
-(Jared) Yeah.

So I was hoping
just for a settlement,

but with this guy
representing them,

I think we could win
possession of the ball.

It's like I'm facing
batting-practice pitching here.

-Gone!
-(Peter) See, I hate

-when you get like this.
-(Jared) Like what?

-(Peter) All cocky.
-(Jared) I'm always cocky.

It's an irritating asset.
Works well for me.

-(Peter) Oh, yeah?
-(Jared) Yeah.

Peter: Buffalo.

Jared: Peter, don't.

Come on,
that's like reminding a batter

about a pitcher
who once plunked him.

-You don't do that.
-(Peter) Oh, you are very liberal

with the baseball analogies
today.

Jared:
It's a case about a baseball!

You know I like my metaphors to
reflect the case I'm working on.

-(Peter) You don't.
-(Jared) I do now.

-(Peter) Buffalo, New York.
-(Jared) Seriously, shut up.

Peter:
Your junior high could have won

-the academic decathlon.
-(Jared) No!

Peter:
You could have been a hero,

except you skipped a review
session and said that Buffalo

-was the state capital...
-(Jared) I'm not listening.

-(Peter) ...of New York.
-(Jared) Used to be!

Peter:
Or to use one of your analogies,

you took a fast ball right down
the middle for strike three.

Jared:
No! I did not.

-(Peter) Listen to me.
-(Jared) You listen --

Peter: Never underestimate
anybody, all right?

Nothing's ever easy.

-You listening?
-(Jared) No.

-(Peter) You listening now?
-(Jared) Yes.

-Is this considered sexting?
-(Hanna) Gentlemen...

I have a client that I'd prefer
not to be alone with.

-(Jared) Not safe?
-(Hanna) Yeah, for him.

You know a Ronny Streppi?

Both:
The douchey dad!

Hanna:
Yeah. In there.

Ronny:
Yeah, so, I signed this waiver

so this reality show
could film my life.

I must have been out of my mind.

Peter: Well, at least
they put you in a sweet pad.

Ronny:
You've seen it?

'Cause the only thing I can see

that they want to show
is my gut.

You know, I think

they're all about making me look
like a tool.

Hanna: How did they make you
look like a drunk?

Lighting your chest hair on fire
in front of your kids?

Ronny: Yeah.
Yeah, that got out of control.

I'm not used to them
Belgian beers.

Jared: Tell me about it.
It's like 20-proof.

Peter: Made by monks,
but monks who like to party.

Ronny:
Right! Right!

Well, here's the deal.

Half of America knows me now
as "The Douchey Dad,"

including my kids,
and they're embarrassed,

and they want to avoid me.

So you guys got to get me out
of this contract.

Hanna: And one of you two
is joining my team.

Jared: Well, I would love to,
but I'm defending

-Kirk Gibson's base--
-(Hanna) Bash, welcome aboard.

I'll have all the files sent to
your office. Okay? Thanks. Bye.

Jared:
Wish I could, but...

You know why she asked you,
right?

Peter:
'Cause she's done with you

and tossing you
like a dead battery?

Jared:
Yeah, that sounds about right.

Ronny: Guys?
I'm a real, live human being.

No, I mean I can hear what
you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know if
it's client-attorney privilege

or whatever that is.

Good times.

Karp: [ Clears throat ]
Gentlemen, a word?

Jared: Blow us. We're busy
saving Kirk Gibson's ball.

Peter:
That's more than a word.

Jared: Yeah, but I like him.
He gets extra.

Karp:
Guys, seriously.

Something someone sent me is now
on the Infeld/Daniels server.

-(Peter) Porn?
-(Karp) [ Sighs ]

It's complicated.

-(Jared) It's complicated porn?
-(Peter) [ Snorts ]

Jared:
Oh, maybe we underestimated you.

Why don't you let us
take a look at it?

Karp: Look,
I want to be a judge someday.

[ Both laugh ]

-(Peter) No.
-(Jared) Yeah, you do.

Karp: And I don't want this
to be a vetting issue.

I need it off.

-(Peter) Dude, talk to I.T.
-(Karp) I did.

Do you think that you two
would be my first choice?

But if I use them,
there's this whole process,

and I need this
to be outsourced.

Peter:
Wow. Must be bad.

Karp:
A crazy fraternity brother.

Jared: [ Sighs ] We know one guy
who might be able to help.

Your honor, I'm not sure

if you read
our motion for summary judgment.

We're actually pretty proud
of it. Yeah.

(Judge Bayles) I don't know
if you've noticed --

opposing counsel
has not yet arrived.

Jared: Ah!
You know, I hadn't noticed that.

I was too busy being
punctual and respectful

of the court's time

to even take a look at
the tardiness of said counsel.

-But...
-(Peter) Dude...

Jared:
I think it was Cyndi Lauper

-who said respect --
-(Peter) Dude.

-(Jared) Dude, I'm lawyering.
-(Peter) Dude.

Leonard: Gentlemen.

Jared: Y-your honor,
may I have a moment?

(Judge Bayles) Sure. Why not?
I guess I've got all day.

Jared: I'm afraid to ask what
happened to their first lawyer.

You got some blood
in your teeth.

Leonard: I contacted Greg and
Colin and offered my services.

They accepted.

So, you went to work
for a big firm, huh?

Thought you weren't
gonna do that.

Jared:
Well, it's a good fit.

Leonard:
After we're done,

I hope you don't regret
that decision.

Jared: Summary judgment
just got a little tougher.

Duncan:
Who is that guy?

Jared:
That's Leonard Franklin.

My father.

Jared: Last time I guess was,
yeah, the holidays.

Yeah, he reminded me
where he went to law school

-with some Yale Christmas songs.
-(Peter) Unbelievable.

You get a really cool case, and
Leonard the impaler shows up.

Jared: Probably because
I got a really cool case.

Peter:
Dude, you okay with this?

-If you need any help...
-(Jared) No, I got it.

-No worries.
-Stanton: Jared.

I heard you had an unplanned
family reunion in court today.

Jared: Oh, yeah, everything but
the potato salad. It was fun.

Stanton:
I-I'm really sorry.

I wouldn't have put you
on the case had I known.

Jared:
Guys, I'm fine with this.

My dad's a lawyer.
I'm a lawyer.

Peter: Although he's a lawyer
who literally spanked you.

-(Jared) That's true.
-Stanton: Peter, would you mind

if I had a word
with your partner in private?

Peter: Sure.

Stanton:
Listen, Jared,

there's something
that I want you to know.

Jared:
Stanton, I know, all right?

Leonard Franklin took on

the second-biggest union
in the world.

Leonard Franklin
re-wrote search and seizure.

Leonard Franklin was featured
in "Wine Spectator" twice.

I got it.

Stanton:
Twice? That's absurd.

Jared: It doesn't matter.
To me, he's just the guy

who wouldn't let me watch
"Walker, Texas Ranger"

because it made
"A mockery of the law."

Stanton:
Are you good to go with this?

Jared: Absolutely.

Hell, it might even satisfy
a family-holiday obligation.

Stanton:
All right. Good luck.

Jared:
I don't need it.

Stanton:
[ Chuckles softly ]

Carmen: You know,

if my father
was Leonard Franklin

and I was about to go
up against him,

I'm just saying,
I'd be working right now.

Pindar: If my father
was Leonard Franklin,

I would be working
for Leonard Franklin.

Carmen:
Did Jared ever get that chance?

Pindar:
Yeah, and he turned it down.

Imagine working for your father,
side-by-side.

It is a dream come true.

Carmen:
Uh, maybe in Pindaristan.

[ Footsteps ]

Karp: You really --
you should lock that door.

-Or at least close it.
-(Carmen) They're not here.

Karp:
Yeah, I'm here for Pindar.

Carmen: Oh.

Really?

Karp: Yes. I believe
that Jared and Peter mentioned

that I needed your help.

Pindar:
Oh, you're the...guy.

Karp: Yes. Because you are
the expert in computer law.

Pindar:
Follow me, Mr. Karp.

I think I can help you
with your problem.

Karp: We're just gonna do
some research.

It was very nice to see you.

Carmen: Carmen.

Karp: Mm.

Pindar: So, every file leaves a
unique bit count on the server.

I need a copy of the file.
I need to open it.

Karp: There's no other way?
Like control/alt/delete or...

Pindar:
No, there's no other way.

Karp: [ Sighs ]
I was afraid of this.

This is a contract.

It will pay you $5,000 to remove
the file from the server,

provided you adhere
to a gag order,

which stipulates
that if you ever discuss

the contents of this file,
I'll...

Just kill you.

Pindar:
What's on the file?

Karp: Sign.

Pindar: [ Whimpers ]

-(Karp) Sign it.
-(Pindar) [ Whimpers ]

Karp:
Sign it, Pindar.

[ Sighs ]
Not a great sleeper.

I have insomnia.
So I did a sleep study.

They hook you up to electrodes

and test your rem, sleep apnea,
the whole deal.

I didn't know they were
videoing me all night, too.

I wanted the study to go well,
so I relaxed myself.

Pindar:
Oh, you sing, too?

Karp:
No. I relaxed myself.

Relax.

I'm not gonna say it again.

Pindar:
I still don't know what --

okay, I just got it.

Karp:
They sent it to me,

and now it's
on the Infeld/Daniels server.

I need you to get it off.

Pindar:
It's not a big deal, Mr. Karp.

Occasionally when I can't relax,

I also rough up the suspect...

Till he orgasms.

Although,
I don't always tape myself.

I guess I'm afraid that if my
mom finds it, what's her rea--

Karp: Find it.

Destroy it.

Tell no one.

Good night.

-(Scully) High fly ball...
-(Jared) Oh!

-Scully ...To right field!
-(Jared) [ Chuckles ]

[ Cheers and applause ]
Scully: She is gone!

Jared:
Oh, I still get goose bumps!

And I wish I could grow
a 'stache like that.

I got to be honest.
[ Chuckles ]

Oh!
Now, see, the video

doesn't show
who actually caught the ball.

It almost shows the awesomeness
of that moment -- almost.

You love this ball,
don't you, Greg?

-(Greg) Yes, I do.
-(Jared) Yes, you do.

'Cause when Kirk Gibson

rocked this out of the park
on that day,

this became more than a ball.

It became the beating heart
of a people.

-Didn't it?
-(Greg) Absolutely.

Jared:
I mean, look at their faces.

Look at their faces.

-They are moved!
-(Leonard) Objection.

-Counsel is testifying.
-(Judge Bayles) Sustained.

Jared: They are moved
because those fans --

and I include myself
and my client in this group --

believe that baseball
is more than America's game.

It is our nation's
unifying religion,

and this ball, this ball...

It's our holy grail.

(Judge Bayles) Reverend Franklin,
is there a question?

Jared:
[ Chuckles softly ]

I'm sorry, your honor.

Guys like Greg and I,

we bleed red, white,
and Dodger blue, right?

-(Greg) Absolutely.
-(Jared) Absolutely.

By the way, did the Dodgers get
to the playoffs last year?

Greg: Uh...

-I don't know.
-(Jared) You don't know?

But you love
America's pastime...

and the Dodgers...

and this ball.

What kind of man doesn't know

whether his favorite
baseball team

made the playoffs last year?

-(Ronny) Oh, that went well.
-(Peter) It did.

Ronny: I mean -- wait.
What just happened?

Peter: Well,
we just successfully subpoenaed

all the reality company's
footage of you.

We're gonna use it to prove

they've been maliciously
depicting you out of context.

-(Ronny) Uh...
-(Peter) You know,

bad stuff making you look bad
is bad.

-(Ronny) It is bad.
-(Peter) It is ba--

Lucian:
Ronny, what are you doing, man?

Ronny:
Hey, I'm trying

to get off your show, Lucian.

Lucian: Yeah?
How's that working out?

Come on. Show up for work.
Your kids miss you.

Ronny: My kids think I'm a jerk
'cause of you.

Lucian:
I don't think it's thanks to me.

-(Ronny) Really?! Really?!
-(Hanna) Come on.

Come on, big fella. Come on.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Leonard:
Driving home from the stadium,

who maintained
control of the ball?

Duncan: I did.
I put it in my pocket.

They were fighting over it,
like usual.

Leonard: Do you remember
what you said when you took it?

Duncan:
Yeah, something like, uh,

"When you stop fighting like
a couple of nitwits and grow up,

I'll give you the ball back."

Leonard: My clients have
that exact same recollection.

Mr. Morrow, uh, are your sons,
in fact, now grown up?

Duncan: Well, uh...

-...I guess.
-(Leonard) No need to guess.

According to the great state
of California,

being a grown-up
starts at the age of 18 --

-for most people.
-(Jared) Objection.

Argumentative. And lame.

-(Judge Bayles) Overruled.
-(Leonard) So it seems

that all three parties
in this case recall

-making a verbal contract.
-(Jared) Objection!

Your honor, opposing counsel
knows full well

verbal contracts don't really
exist between fathers and sons.

Leonard: Case law shows
that contracts with minors

are voidable
only to protect the minor,

and should such contract inure
to the benefit of the minor,

they are fully enforceable.

And I think
that opposing counsel

needs to brush up on Robert's
Rules of courtroom decorum.

Jared: Really? Should I?
Who's Robert?

(Judge Bayles) Okay, counselors,
approach the bench, please.

Gentlemen,
are we really gonna do this?

Jared: Your honor,
opposing counsel is implying

a binding contract
between a father and son,

even though I happen to know
he himself broke such a contract

to his son
when he promised him a BMX bike

if he went to Latin camp
when he was 9.

Leonard:
Relevance, your honor?

(Judge Bayles) None.
If you want to tell daddy

that he didn't have any respect
for you,

you'll just have to wait until
you're on your third eggnog,

like the rest of the world.

This is not therapy for you
to work out your issues.

This is court.

Now, you start acting like
a lawyer, or you're done here.

Understood?

Jared: Yes.

(Judge Bayles)
Proceed, please.

Leonard: Ooh.

Peter:
What's with the books, buddy?

Daddy making you do
your homework?

Jared: I want to beat him.
He thinks I'm this legal clown.

Peter: So?
Clowns can be badass.

Pindar: Yeah. Pennywise from
Stephen king's seminal "It" --

terrifying.

Carmen:
Insane clown posse.

Peter:
Krusty. Huh?

Come on, man. We'll help you
kick Leonard's ass

with your big red clown shoe.

What happened today?

Jared: My dad somehow turned
Duncan trying to control

his sons from fighting in
the back of a car 20 years ago

into a legal contract.

Peter: You couldn't kneecap
that argument?

Jared: I may have gotten
a little emotional.

Peter: Come on. We all know
family can make people crazy.

Hey, guys, this is
the raw footage of Ronny

that we subpoenaed
from the reality show.

Carmen:
Okay. Is this it?

Peter: Well, there's 1,300
hours. They video-papered us.

-(Carmen) Oh.
-(Peter) Go through it.

Try to find scenes
that make Ronny look good.

Pindar:
I'd love to, but I'm busy.

I'm working for Mr. Karp.

Jared:
Oh, yeah. Big case.

Pindar:
Surprisingly big.

Carmen:
Hey, why can't you help?

Peter: I will,
but I want to help Jared first.

Jared: No, I'm good.
I don't need help.

Peter: They're brothers.
Find the pressure points.

Carmen: Hey, you got a sec?
It's about your douchey dad.

Hanna:
Yeah, I guess.

Carmen: So, Peter wanted me to
go through the reality footage

and find clips of Ronny that
actually make him look good.

Jared:
They don't pay you enough.

Carmen: Agreed.
So, should the clips show

footage of kindness
or competence?

-(Hanna) Seriously?
-(Carmen) Yeah.

Hanna:
I'd settle for anything

where
he isn't a self-involved dolt

desperately milking
his 15 minutes.

Carmen:
Okay. Not a fan.

Hanna: I prefer stars with some
talent -- more than the ability

to play "The star-spangled
banner" with their armpit.

Carmen:
I get that.

But then again, I'd hate to see
what people would think

if a reality crew
was following me around 24/7.

Hanna: I'm sure
they wouldn't catch you

using your quasi-fame
to score a free flat-screen.

Carmen:
I went through an awkward phase.

Not everybody can be perfect
all the time.

Jared: Colin, would you call
the mood of the crowd

that night of game one electric?

Colin:
Yeah, sure. Why not?

Jared: If that's the case,
then why did you ask to leave

the game in the fifth inning to
go home to watch "Full House"?

Colin: That's not true.
I wanted to stay.

My brother wanted to leave.

-(Greg) Oh, that's bullsh--
-(Judge Bayles) Excuse me?!

Greg: Sorry.

Jared:
Well, lucky you stayed,

or else you would have missed
the home run.

It's your position

that you both caught the ball
at the exact same moment.

How did you even do that?

Colin:
It rolled around.

We grabbed it at the same time.

Jared: Isn't it possible
that you caught the ball first,

even by just a fraction
of a second?

Colin:
Mm, well...

Greg:
That would be a "no," dickwad.

(Judge Bayles)
You know what?

You speak out of turn
one more time, Mr. Morrow,

I'm holding you in contempt.

Colin: No. We definitely
grabbed it at the same time.

Jared: I see.

And which one of you
should have grabbed Shelley?

(Judge Bayles)
Excuse me? Shelley?

Greg:
Really, Eileen?

Colin:
He didn't grab her.

He killed Shelley.

[ Spectators murmur ]
Greg: I didn't kill Shelley!

-Shelley was his turtle.
-(Leonard) Turtle?

What could this possibly
have to do with the case?

Jared:
Your honor, a little leeway?

(Judge Bayles) Agreed.

Maybe your client
should not have said "dickwad"

-in my courtroom.
-(Greg) He is a dickwad!

He let his turtle escape,
and then blamed it on me.

-(Colin) You ran it over!
-(Greg) Did not run it over!

-(Leonard) Gentlemen --
-(Colin) Really?!

Turtle shells just end up
cracked all on their own!

Greg: It's a male turtle!
He names it "Shelley"!

Colin: Oh, you checked
for its little turtle wienie?

[ Gavel banging ]
(Judge Bayles) Order! Order!

Shut up! Shut up!

All right.

Leonard: Calm down.

(Judge Bayles)
Go ahead, Mr. Franklin.

Jared: Uh...

Yeah, I'm sorry, your honor.
I, uh...

You know, I don't like
confrontation. [ Chuckles ]

Sorry. All this unpleasantness,
I've lost my train of thought.

Um...Would you mind reading back
the verbal agreement

opposing counsel
made binding yesterday?

(Court Reporter) "When you
stop fighting like a couple

of nitwits and grow up,
I'll give you the ball back."

Jared:
How would you folks describe

what those two were just doing?

Leonard: Your honor,
I'd like this stricken.

My clients were manipulated.

Jared: Because they're
nitwits -- fighting ones --

which I believe has bearing
on our verbal contract.

(Judge Bayles)
I'm gonna agree.

The jury is free to consider

Mr. Morrow and Mr. Morrow
"fighting like nitwits."

Duncan:
Well, of course

you can have your picture taken
with the ball, Jared.

Jared: That's going up
on the wall, man.

Duncan:
[ Chuckles ] Okay.

Jared: Of course, my firm
may want actual payment.

Duncan:
Oh! [ Chuckles ]

Jared: Would you guys excuse me
for a minute?

Duncan: Yeah, sure.

-I'll meet you at the corner.
-(Duncan) All right.

Eileen: Okay.

Jared: You know,
I think Duncan might be willing

to give ball-visitation rights
to his sons.

Leonard: No, thank you.
My clients aren't interested.

Jared: Really?

Leonard:
Yeah. It's their ball.

See you in court tomorrow.

Jared: Hey, dad, you know
what I'm gonna do tonight?

I think I'm gonna cuddle with
Kirk Gibson's home-run ball.

See, Mr. Morrow said
that if we won,

I could take it for a while,
and I think we just won.

-(Woman) Hey!
-(Man) Look out!

[ Brakes squeal, tires screech ]

Eileen:
Today is what my dad would call

perfect baseball weather.

'Cause for him it was
always perfect baseball weather.

It was always a perfect day

to spend with friends and family
at the ballpark.

My father liked everybody.
He was always there to listen.

Leonard:
I hope you don't blame yourself.

-(Jared) For what?
-(Leonard) For what happened.

Jared: I don't.

Leonard: Good.

It's like a Greek tragedy.

Oedipus, Antigone --
it's all sort of inevitable.

Jared:
What was inevitable?

Leonard:
That the boys get the baseball.

I'm the executor of the estate.

It's up to the children
to pick one.

The majority of the children
picked me.

Jared:
He left them the ball?

Leonard: No. But he died
intestate -- no will.

-(Jared) I know what it means.
-(Leonard) Then you should know

the ball is part of Duncan's
estate, which, without a will,

automatically goes
to his children.

They'll have to sell it,
divide the proceeds.

Listen...

You showed some promise
in court.

Oh, a little discipline,

a little less sizzle,
a little more steak,

-you could be a real lawyer.
-(Jared) I won!

Eileen: He wanted us to succeed
in life...

Leonard: It was good fun, son.
We'll do it again sometime.

Jared: There's no way
I'm giving you that ball.

Eileen: But he never let
that pursuit of success

get in the way of our...

-(Ronny) Right.
-(Child) Do it again!

Ronny:
Some road kill here.

Carmen: Okay,
so this makes you look good.

You dressed up as Spongebob

to go trick-or-treating
with your kids.

Ronny:
Yeah, and I painted

that whole washing-machine box
by myself.

Couldn't see a damn thing,
though,

and I walked
into my neighbor's cauldron.

That's all they showed on TV.
It made me look like a drunk.

Carmen: Oh, so you're saying
that you weren't?

Ronny:
That's not the point, right?

Peter:
It was a great episode.

Hanna: [ Sighs ]

Ronny:
Wow. She scares me.

Peter:
Don't look her in the eyes.

Hanna:
This was on Perez this morning.

Peter: [ Sighs ]

[ Chuckles ]
"Ronny's mystery hottie."

You are way out of your league
on this one, buddy.

Ronny: I know. That's
kind of the point, though.

Every week, they put me
with a mystery hottie,

and they mock me
'cause I'm not hot.

And it's okay,
except my kids see this,

and I need my kids to respect
me, 'cause I'm like their dad.

That's been blowing up on me
all year.

So you got to do something
about it.

Hanna:
Well, you're a public figure.

I'm not misidentified.
There's not much I can do.

Ronny: Wow.

Well, better tell my kids.

-(Hanna) Uh, in that shirt?
-(Ronny) You're right.

Someone told me I was an autumn,
and I argued.

I said, "No, no, I'm a spring."
And now I got this on.

Hanna: No. You look good.
You look good.

Ronny:
Are you serious?

Hanna: Yeah.

Ronny:
I needed that. Thank you.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Jared:
You wanted to see me?

(Judge Bayles) We're trying
to find the baseball, counselor.

Jared: Okay.

(Judge Bayles)
Do you know where it is?

Jared:
I have no idea.

-(Leonard) Really?
-(Jared) Yes, really.

Stop looking at me like I'm
lying about denting your Jag.

Leonard: You did lie,
and it wasn't a dent.

-(Jared) It was an old Jag.
-(Leonard) And moments

before Mr. Morrow's demise,
you told me

you were going to "cuddle"
with the ball.

Jared: You know, I can say that
and still sound cool.

(Judge Bayles) We also saw you
with the ball in court.

If you have it
and don't release it,

you will be held in contempt.

Jared:
I don't have it.

Leonard:
This morning,

Jared said to me, "No way
I'm giving you that ball."

(Judge Bayles)
Is that true?

Jared: [ Sighs ]

Ronny: All right.
I think...

Carmen: Oh, God. If I
have to look at one more video

of Ronny in a mirror
trying to find an ab,

I seriously might kill somebody.

Peter: You can't afford
the assault charge.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hanna: Where's that waiver
that Ronny signed?

Ah, thank you.

Peter:
This is Peter Bash.

Hey, Eileen.

I'll be right there.

Uh, Jared needs my help.

We're due in court
in a couple hours.

-Burn the DVD.
-(Hanna) I don't think

making a Ronny glamour reel
is gonna work.

We're gonna try something else.

Jared: I mean, I'm sure
your dad's proud of you, right?

Exactly.
Why wouldn't he be?

[ Keys jingle, lock clicks ]

You know,
you're a good listener.

That's a quality you
don't find in a lot of people,

and you have that.

I'm sure you have other skills,
but you're a good listener.

-(Peter) Hey.
-(Jared) Hey!

I'm sorry
I didn't call right away.

I wanted to hang out
with some scumbags

who weren't lawyers for a while.

Peter: Eileen called me and told
me your dad threw you in jail.

-(Jared) Second time, actually.
-(Peter) That's right.

Jared: I think
he's starting to like it.

Peter: Well, she's got
something to tell you.

Jared:
Oh. Excuse me.

Eileen:
I know where the ball is.

Jared: Where?

Eileen: [ Sighs ]
With my father.

Jared: In heaven?

Eileen:
I buried him with it.

Eileen: He always said he wanted to
be buried with his wooden chest.

It held all the things
he loved in it.

It had my mother's locket,
their love letters,

the little silver fish
they got together in Mexico.

Leonard: Your honor, there is
only one clear course of action.

Jared:
Do not say dig him up.

Leonard:
I would never say that.

I would say "exhume"
or "disinter."

Eileen: Oh, my God.

Leonard:
As executor of the estate,

I have a fiduciary
responsibility

to secure its assets.

Jared: Really?

Should we "exhume" his suit?
His shoes?

Leonard: If they had a market
value of half a million dollars,

I would say yes.

That ball is not safe
in the ground.

Jared: I'm sorry.

Your honor, is Mr. Franklin
making a grave-robber argument?

Because unless
this is Transylvania --

(Judge Bayles)
I wish I was in Transylvania.

Jared: Your honor,

in Supreme Court decision
Dougherty v. Mercantile Trust,

Justice Cardozo stated,

"The dead are to rest
where they have been lain."

Leonard: Hmm. That is a sound,
reasonable legal argument.

Jared: Thanks.

Leonard:
But Dougherty goes on to say,

"Unless reason of substance
is brought forward

for disturbing their repose."

Jared: [ Sighs ]

(Judge Bayles) Dig him up.

Peter: Whoops.

I got to get to court.

Your dad's a dick.

Jared: Hey. That's my dad
you're talking about.

Peter: [ Clears throat ]

Hanna, we're good?
DVD's in the player?

-(Hanna) Yeah, but --
-(Judge Viapando) Mr. Bash.

Can we please light this candle?

Peter: Yes, your honor.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ronny Streppi has been presented
to this country

as "The Douchey Dad."

We're gonna show you
a different side.

Ronny:
But it's still good.

12-second rule.

All right, guys,
losing my drawers here.

Here you go.

Just like a good dad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There you go. Here you go.

Lucian: That dog
is smarter than those kids.

His son -- that apple doesn't
fall far from the moron tree.

Seriously, this family
gives white trash a bad name.

The dog's like,
"Hey, get me out of here.

I'd rather live
with a homeless guy. Ruff!"

And her? Might as well put a
tramp stamp on her right now.

[ Chuckles ]

How long till
she twirls from a pole?

[ Camera shutters clicking ]
Carmen: Okay, wait.

Put your head back
and pinch it like this.

Look, I've been in a few fights,
all right?

Peter:
I think we can agree

that, uh, Ronny became
understandably agitated.

Lucian:
And assaulted me in court.

Hey, you're a moron, Ronny!

Ronny: You got something gross
on your nose.

Peter: You actually do.

Lucian: You getting this?

But an entertaining moron
who's gonna make me rich.

Peter: Our client just committed
a felony in front of a judge.

I didn't go to a top-ten school,
but I think that's bad.

Hanna: Maybe not.

Pindar: And there it is.

Karp: You found the file.

Pindar: Yes.

If we make the server
think it's corrupt,

it will be over-written
to protect the whole sector.

Karp: Awesome.

Pindar:
So just enter your access code,

and the file will be destroyed.

Pindar:
And your file is...

[ Computer beeping ]

That's unexpected.

Karp: What?

Pindar:
Infeld/Daniels must have

a very up-to-date
I.T. Department.

Karp: Look, I don't know
what you're talking about.

What are you talking about,
Pindar?

[ Computer beeping ]

Pindar:
A cyclic redundancy check.

Basically,
it protected the file...

By redundancy.

Karp: Redundancy to who?

To me? To you?
To the rest of the firm?

Pindar: Well,
definitely to me and you.

But also
a few circuit court judges.

This is not my fault!

It's so hard to keep up with --

just 'cause I'm Indian, you --
I'm more of a Mac guy!

This is what you do.

You craft an e-mail to everybody
who got your masturbation video,

and you say,
"My computer was hacked.

"There's a virus on it.
Please don't open.

Destroy this file."

Karp: There's one.

Pindar: Why would --
that didn't fix anything.

Leonard: Look at that.

The Williams family.

One, two, three generations
all buried together.

Jared: There is a hell.

Leonard:
Don't be angry, Jared.

Jared: Seriously?

You put me in jail.

Leonard:
I was performing my legal duty

as an executor of an estate.

Jared:
Keep telling yourself that.

Leonard: Let me ask you --
why did you become a lawyer?

Jared: Are you kidding?

Look around. This is sexy.

Leonard:
[ Chuckles ] Always the jokes.

Jared:
Aside from the opportunity

for three more years
of school...

I wanted to help people.

Leonard: Not follow
in the old man's footsteps?

Jared: Sorry.

Leonard:
Still, you're a lawyer.

Jared: Yeah, but for me
it's not about winning.

It's about
getting the right wins.

Leonard: And I guess
beating the old man someday

is one of those wins.

Jared: Yep.

Leonard: It's amazing.

It took a damn baseball
to get us to this.

Jared: It's Kirk Gibson's
home-run ball, dad.

It's huge.

I should have been there to
see him hit it out of the park,

but we had to leave
in the seventh.

Do you remember?

I never tell anybody that.

Leonard:
Sometimes leaving a game early

is what good lawyers do.

Jared:
So you can sneak away from mom?

Go see your girlfriend?

I was 10.
I wasn't an idiot.

Leonard: No.

You weren't.

-Sheriff: Here it is.
-(Leonard) Open it.

I need to make sure
the ball is inside.

Chain of custody.

Jared: What is that?

"To be opened in the event
some bastard digs me up."

Oh, it's for you.

(Judge Bayles) Why didn't you tell us
about the envelope in the box?

Eileen: I didn't know about it,
your honor.

Jared:
But that's his handwriting?

Eileen: It is.

(Judge Bayles) All righty.
Let's see what it says.

"I, Duncan Morrow, am the sole
author of this document,

"which, if you are reading,
means someone dug me up.

"Should any of my children
have had a hand in that,

"they forfeit all rights
to my Kirk Gibson baseball,

"which I hereby bequeath, first,

"to any of my heirs
who did not want to dig me up,

"second to the Baseball
Hall of Fame, third to the..."

It goes on and on, but...

I think we have a winner.

Peter: I'm sorry you had to
spend a little time locked up.

You know, personally,
I find it kind of centering.

Hanna: I spoke to the judge.
You're a first-time offender.

You'll get
six months' probation, Max.

Ronny: Why is that good?

Hanna: Your network contract.

The morality clause.

"The services of any contestant
charged with an assault

is immediately terminated."

Peter: Dude,
you're off the show!

-(Ronny) No way! No way!
-(Peter) [ Laughs ]

Ronny: Oh, my gosh!
I get to see my kids. Okay.

-Oh, is it Thursday?
-(Peter) It's Thursday.

Ronny: 'Cause I know a place
that has free fish tacos

for the kids,
2-for-1 well drinks for Daddy-O.

Bye.

Peter: That was a very
Franklin-and-Bash move in court.

Hanna: Really?
I'd say it was very Hanna,

but I don't name courtroom
maneuvers after myself.

Peter: Then you have no future
with Jared.

Hanna: [ Chuckles ]

Leonard: Jared!

So I'll see you in a few months?

Jared: Christmas?

Um, you know, dad, actually,
I'm probably gonna stay --

Leonard:
No, I'm talking about appeal.

All of this is predicated

on the ball being
a part of Duncan's estate.

But ownership of the ball
is still in dispute.

Jared: You know,
there are easier ways to see me.

Leonard: Are there?

Jared: Probably not.

You know, I think I just figured
out why you're so tough on me.

Leonard:
Because I want you to do well?

Jared: No.

'Cause I think deep down,
whether you know it or not,

you want me
to be better than you.

Leonard:
Boy's got potential, Stanton.

Stanton:
Why we hired him.

Leonard: Yeah. Just, uh,
try not to screw him up.

Stanton: Well, if you couldn't
do that with your bullshit,

Leonard,
I suspect the lad's impervious.

Leonard: See you, son.

Jared:
You know my father?

Why didn't you tell me?

Stanton:
Look, I was going to tell you

at the courthouse the other day,

and then I saw you
ready to take on your father

with typical
Jared Franklin aplomb,

and I thought, why burden you

with this
extraneous information?

It's like when
you're skiing down a glacier.

You know, you're not
thinking of the crevasses.

When I was in Patagonia,
for instance --

Jared: I got to tell you --
that's awesome.

But j-just tell me...

Did your relationship
with my father

have anything to do
with you hiring me?

Stanton: No.

I hired you
because you and your partner

make a wonderful addition
to my firm.

Karp: Oh, yeah.
Your whole team. Real pros.

(Judge Bayles) Oh, Mr. Karp.
I got your e-mail.

Karp: Oh, just ignore that.
I got hacked.

(Judge Bayles) Well, I did
set my spam filter for you.

Unless, of course,
you were thinking of me.

[ Chuckles ]

Stanton:
What was all that about?

Karp:
I think she's crazy.

Peter: Infeld didn't tell you
how he knew Leonard?

-(Jared) Nope.
-(Peter) But there's history.

Jared: Yeah. For sure.

They definitely do not
dig each other at all.

Something happened.

What?

Peter: Well, you drive
on the wrong side of the road,

put milk in your tea,
like colored money.

Say, "Well done, boys."

-(Jared) Infeld boned my mom.
-(Peter) [ Laughs ]

Jared:
That's what you're going with?

Peter: Well, I'm saying,
you know, it was the '80s.

Your dad was fooling around.

Your mom --
she needed the attention.

I couldn't be there for her
all the time.

Jared: [ Laughs ]

Peter: Let me ask you this.

Would you want Infeld to be
your dad instead of Leonard?

Jared: Come on, man, I'm eating.
All right?

We're here celebrating, okay?
Let's change the station.

Peter: That was inappropriate.
I'm sorry.

-This is a good day.
-(Jared) Thank you.

Peter: All right, you get
to have sex with Heidi Klum.

Jared: Okay! But?

Peter: But your mom
has to have sex with Infeld.

Jared: Man, thanks!

Peter: I got to believe
he is freaky.

♪ ...Become a monster ♪

Jared:
Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh,
who said that? ♪

[ Chuckles ]
[ As Stanton ] I call this
the Peruvian swing bar.

♪ Who said that? ♪
[ Both laugh ]

♪ Who said that? ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

[ Indistinct talking ]

[ Snoring ]

== sync, corrected by elderman ==