Original subtitles

Hedy Lamarr was like,

my hobby is tinkering with inventions.

You guys, the world is crazy. [laughing]

Eartha Kitt goes, uh-uh, no, these are women don't-ers.

I will ruin Eartha Kitt's career.

Whoo! Eartha!

Masterpiece the Dog is like,

I'm here, Mama. Get used to it.

Whoo-hoo, that tequila is tequila.

[patriotic music]

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

[soft jazz music]

- Honestly, fuck TV shows. - Agreed.

- I hate every single one of them. - Bring radio back.

I hate TV shows. I hate drinking culture.

[both laugh]

Cool.

Hello, I'm Hillary Anne Matthews,

and today we're gonna be talking about Hedy Lamarr.

Cheers.

- Cheers. - Yay.

So once upon a time, it was 1933 in the world.

Hedy Lamarr is a Jewish-Austrian actress.

She makes this hot lil' flick by the name of "Ecstasy."

In this film, Hedy ends up having sexual intercourse

and facially-simulating orgasm.

Oh, yeah, I'll have what she's having.

I'll have what she's having. [sniffles]

She's married to this guy named Fritz Mandl,

who is a patented fuckboi extraordinaire.

Fritz is like, I'm going to buy up

every single copy that exists so nobody sees you nake-y

because he's so jealous about the movie.

Additionally, he sympathizes with the Nazis.

Not even just sympathizing withing...

He is not even just sympathizing with them.

He sells them weapons.

Also, Fritz was forcing her to host these dinner parties,

and she's like, I am so sick of Fritz McLoserville

and also Hitler McDumDum

and Mussolini McMeowMeow

- [chuckles] - So she concocts a plan.

She's like, hey, girl, what's up, to her maid.

She's like, sip this thing that I'm giving you.

So she sips this thing, but guess what. It's a drug.

And she's like, oh... [snoring]

And she's like, oops, did I do that?

- She was so ahead of her time. - She was a-Hedy of her time.

She was a-Hedy of her time.

Hedy puts the maid's clothes on her,

then she sneaks on off in her maid's outfit

to... [imitates fanfare]

Hollywood, the land of dreams! [chuckling]

She gets a contract with MGM. She is doing it.

She's like, oh, I'm rubbing shoulders with Jimmy Stewart,

and I'm rubbing shoulders with, uhhh...

Clark Gable!

And I'm rubbing shoulders with... [gasps]

[exhales] Excuse me, Howard Hughes?

And he's like, yes, it's me,

psychopathic genius Howard Hughes.

You intrigue me because you are both beautiful,

talented, and intelligent.

She and Howard Hughes strike up a relationship.

Then, eventually, he's like,

I'm gonna give you a workshop. Boop!

And she's like, thank you so much

because you know that my hobby is tinkering with inventions.

[musical flourish]

He, like, really, like, valued her intellect,

and so he gave her a workshop instead of like a bunch

of diamond and furs, fucking Fritz! Suck it!

[laughing]

So Howard Hughes is like, I'm trying to design

ah-the fastest jet wing.

And she is like, uh, yeah, okay, well you know what,

[mumbling] and I do and gonna go to the library

and I'm gonna checkout the fastest birds in a book

and the fastest fish in a book and I'm gonna combine them

like a weird fucking biological scientist.

So Hedy Lamarr essentially designs the first modern airplane.

And he's like, wow, this is what I need from you, baby!

How cool you are as a girlfriend.

And she's like, kee-yeah, wow,

I guess I have inadvertently, through my love for you,

contributed to the development

of the world's most premier jet wing.

[laughing quietly]

You guys, the world is crazy!

She got a book of the fastest fish,

and she got a book of the fastest birds,

and she combined them.

[both laughing]

Okay...

so World War II is happening,

and Hedy and her friend, avant-garde composer

George Antheil, create this thing

that was based on a player piano.

And so the two of them together create this system

that was known as frequency hopping,

which means that when the Americans try to locate

a German U-boat, and the German U-boats jam the radio signal

that the Americans could just hop on over

to a different frequency and hop, hop, hop, hop, hop

until we hone the fuck in on German U-boats

and then annihilate them.

Okay, so... okay, so... okay, so

they bring this to the Navy, and they're like,

we donate our patent of this mechanical invention

to thee, and the Navy is like,

wow, that was super formal of you and thank you so much,

but, also, it's just, like, too big to use.

We'll, like, tuck it away in like a nook,

and, like, thank you again. It's like super nice of you.

It's the thought that counts.

So Hedy is like, all right. No problem.

I worked really hard on this technological advancement

that succeeded, but they didn't accept it.

So that's okay.

But guess what, fast forward to the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Have you heard of it?

The Americans... us... are having the same type of problem

with jammed radio signals, and they're like,

wait a second. [shudders] What?

And they're like... [high-pitched crying]

And they were like... [puffing rapidly]

Sh-sh-sh-sh! Sh-sh-sh.

'Cause it's so hard to blow off dust.

And they're like, somebody brought us

a patented instrument to solve this,

but now we can updrate it... mm, update it.

We'll make it electronical

and we're gonna fucking rescue our radio signals.

Thank you, Hedy.

What's truly insane is that Hedy's invention

is the basis for all wireless communication today:

GPS, our phones that we're spending

upwards of eight hours a day on.

Bluetooth. I only talk to my mother on Bluetooth.

Hedy fucking Lamarr is responsible for that.

History is [deep voice] crazy!

I'll just refresh this for you.

- Oh, no. - Oh, tell me when.

- Stop. - When. [both laugh]

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Hi, I'm Nicole Byer,

and today I am going to tell you a story

about Catwoman versus Lady Bird.

- [imitates bird call] - Shit. Cheers.

Hold on. Let me get drunk.

[gasps]

Whoa! [laughs]

Okay, so, the year is 1967 and Eartha Kitt

has been cast as Catwoman on "Batman,"

and it's like the first time that a black lady

has been allowed to be a villain but also, like, sexy.

And she'd be like, yes, I'm doing things that I think are good.

Then Batman's like, no, bitch.

Pow! Poom! Ping!

And Catwoman would be like, no, stop, leave me alone.

- Zing zang. - Zing zang.

Police brutality. [both laugh]

Eartha Kitt spends her off time trying to help at-risk youth.

She is invited to the White House

under this pretense of women talk about, like,

underprivileged youth and at-risk youth.

So on January 18, 1968,

Eartha Kitt goes to the Women's Doer Lunch,

which is insane because that name

probably had to be approved by several different people.

So then Lady Bird Johnson,

who is Lyndon B. Johnson's wife, she was like,

look at us, we're nice white women

having a luncheon to help those little dark youths!

So, anyway, Lyndon B. comes into the luncheon and he is like,

[deep voice] Hello. Hi, hi. Nice that you're here.

[normal voice] Eartha Kitt goes, excuse me,

Lyndon B. Johnson. Like, you're the president.

What are you doing for, like, at-risk youth?

And he says, yo, good question.

But... I think it's better solved by mothers at home,

so I'm gonna leave. Bye-bye!

He leaves, and then Eartha Kitt was just like,

[raspy growl]

No.

So she gets up in front of all these people,

and she was like, wait a minute. Women Doers?

Uh-uh, no. These are women don't-ers.

And she was like,

listen, the reason why they take pot and get high

in the streets is because you are taking them

from their mothers and you're shipping them off to Vietnam.

Lady Bird was like, whoop, um... no.

I have never had someone make me feel the way

she's made me feel.

[imitates pathetic crying]

I will ruin Eartha Kitt's career.

[dark musical flourish]

Um, I'm like genuinely upset that there's no pizza here.

- What? - I've been wanting to order pizza!

I'm the hungriest hippo here.

Can someone please ord... like, truly.

- I want pizza. - Okay.

We were in the middle of the Lady Bird luncheon.

Should I start over?

- [laughs] - So anyway, it all started at that moment.

And then Bird lady... or, uh, Bir... hm...

[guffaws]

Lady Bird calls the CIA, and she goes, yo, listen.

This bitch? I don't like this bitch.

You gotta find everything you can about her

so I can send it to other people so she doesn't work.

She's like a Batman villain.

Lady Bird is just like,

[bellowing] destroy her!

Whoa. Heh. Heh.

[laughing]

So the CIA was knocking on Eartha Kitt's friends' doors

to interview ex-lovers, and they were like,

hey, do you know Eartha Kitt? Is she bad?

And then people were like, she liked to fuck.

What? Is that what it was?

It was a lot of her sexual activity.

So, like, oh, yeah, yeah, she bad.

She liked to fuck. She's nasty.

She's promiscuous. She, like, smoked weed or whatever.

So the CIA came to the conclusion

that she's a sadistic nymphomaniac.

Lady Bird said to the CIA, perfect.

[knocking at door] [gasps]

Is the pizza here?

♪ Da-da-dah ♪

Du-du... [laughs]

- Oh! - Oh.

[laughs] Where's this from, Pizza City?

I don't know, but I'm happy with it.

So any-who, "Batman" ends,

and Eartha had all these contracts

to do shows in clubs, but, um, the CIA

and the secret service are, like, telling club owners,

being like, you can't hire Eartha Kitt.

He was just like, you can't do it.

So she went to one club, and they're like, no!

And she's like, well, I'll go to another one.

She went to another one, and they're like, seat's taken.

And she's like, what is happening?

Fucking Lady Bird gets Eartha Kitt

blacklisted from performing in the United States.

So she goes to Europe 'cause she can't work here no more.

And six years later,

Eartha gets a call from Seymour Hersh.

He's like, yo, girl, [laughs]

I don't know if you know this,

and she was like, tell me.

There's a whole dossier where people were talking shit about you.

They were talking about your, like,

sexual poli... prolitivity?

That's not a word. [laughing]

And she... [laughs]

Ooh, I tickled myself.

And she was just like, oh, that sucks.

Lady Bird had ruined my life. [chuckling]

And then Broadway director

Geoffrey Holder is like, yo, Eartha!

Be in my production of "Timbuktu!"

And she says, okay.

Beautiful black men carry her on stage.

They're all, like, blowing up, and they're just like,

whoo! Eartha!

And she, like, lands on stage and she goes,

I'm back.

And then everyone's like, yas, bitch!

This is so exciting! Ah! [laughs]

[grunting] Oh, shit! We black!

We... [laughing]

We glad you here!

So she, like, feel... feels like...

She feels the whole, uh... And it's Cray.

Eartha Kitt was one of the greatest songstresses,

actresses alive,

and Lady Bird, like, ruined her career.

Like, it's just nuts. I loer Eartha Kitt.

[laughing] [thud]

[both laughing]

Stay tuned for more "Drunk History."

- Say something. - On NBC.

That's wrong.

[music]

Hello, I am Mano Agapion,

and today we will be discussing Masterpiece the Dog.

[imitates dog whimpers]

- [barks] - [growls softly, barks]

That's a really good dog. Subtle too.

[growls softly, barks]

So, New York City, 1938,

Alexis Pulaski is a Russian Count

and dog groomer/breeder

who says, hey, I love poodles.

I want to open a store called Poodles Incorporated.

Rich people are gonna come in our store and pay money

to get haircuts and hair dyes for their little pets.

They open Poodles Incorporated. It's an immediate hit.

Women are throwing their money at Pulaski.

They're like, we hate holding this money. Take it all.

So, on August 4, 1946,

a litter of poodles is born.

He looks at the last one, and he goes,

Mama, we're in business.

An eight-pound toy poodle, and he's like,

this is my star.

He names the dog Pulaski's Masterpiece.

- Pulaski's Master... - Pulaski... he named it after himself.

- Well, isn't that what Juniors are? - Oh, yeah. I hate that.

Anyway, this dog is the dog.

This dog will define a generation.

Masterpiece the Dog becomes the toast of high society.

Everyone's like, I love you. You're cool.

He does tricks.

When people ask him, are you a communist?

He shakes his head no, and everyone's like,

yeah! We fucking hate communism!

Clap, clap, clap.

You are a cool dog.

So everyone loves this little poodle.

He goes to Paris fashion week, and Parisians are like,

[French accent] Oh, who is this dog?

And then he's like, I'm here, Mama.

Get used to it. [laughing]

And they're like, we're trash and you're God.

Then Masterpiece does a bunch of ads.

He does an ad for stockings. Seriously.

He even does "Vogue," and he is a star.

Whoo, that tequila is tequila.

Whoo! So he's making $11,000 a year

in appearances and stud fees,

which, if you don't know what that means,

- that means [whispers] fucking. - Oh.

- Like prostitution. - The dog?

He's like, oh, hey, come over here Masterpiece.

This is Cocker Spaniel.

You'll be fucking her. Fuck this bitch.

And Masterpiece is like, oh, my God.

That's really aggressive language.

And they're selling his offspring

to famous people too. Eva Peron.

Judy Garland. Gary Cooper.

They all have tinier Masterpieces.

Rita Hayworth catches wind of this and she's like,

I want that dog!

So she sends her husband Pakistani Prince Aly Khan

to Poodles Incorporated to buy Masterpiece outright.

And the Prince Aly Khan was like,

hey! Um, I want to buy your Masterpiece dog

for twenty-fiv...

He was like, I would like to buy this dog for $25,000.

Pulaski is like, I don't want that.

Aly Khan is like, how dare you? How fucking dare you?

And so Aly Khan leaves, and Rita Hayworth is mad

at Masterpiece and Pulaski forever.

So in May of 1953

at exactly or approximately or exactly 1:15 p.m.

Pulaski gets a phone call, and he's like,

hello, Poodles Inc. Business as usual.

Nothing is going wrong, and nothing will ever go wrong.

And he leaves the store for 15 minutes.

He comes back in, and Masterpiece is gone.

Not on his green velvet throne. Not in the basement.

Nowhere to be found in the store. He panics.

Masterpieeece!

Mm-kay. Okay.

Okay. How about this?

Um, so then... [slurping]

So Pulaski's freaking out.

He was like, my poodle's gone!

My poodle's gone! Help, help, help, help, help!

And then a weird witness is like,

hey, I saw a woman leaving your store.

She had brown hair and a red trench coat,

and she had a poodle following after her.

And she was...

She... she took your poodle, I think.

And then Pulaski, with no questions asked,

is like, yes, that is what happened.

[clapping] That is what happened.

And then he tells the cops. He tells everyone.

Hello! Dognapping!

Masterpiece is nowhere to be found.

He issues a 13-state alarm, and he doesn't stop there.

He goes on national TV and reenacts the dognapping.

But Masterpiece is still unfound.

Years pass, no business is happening

at Poodles Incorporated, and it shuts down.

And Masterpiece is never found.

And there's a couple of theories, like,

as to, like, what the heck happened.

Some people think that a communist took Masterpiece.

That could be a valid theory.

Some people think, hey, Rita Hayworth was like,

you're not gonna give me my dog?

I'm gonna take your dog, bitch.

My favorite theory is that Masterpiece

was just overwhelmed.

As a Greek/Palestinian,

I know all about that, and I think Masterpiece,

like me, was just trying to escape.

He was like, I can't live this life anymore.

I can't live a life where, like,

I'm forced to be something that I'm not.

I'm a dog, and I want a more settled life.

Ultimately, fame is fleeting.

Fame is not fulfilling.

So maybe Masterpiece moved to Ohio to "orn" a corn farm.

[uplifting orchestra music]

- What? - Maybe Masterpiece

owned a corn farm. [chuckles]

The cool thing is that his influence lived on for years

because the American Kennel Club reports that

for, like, 40 years, poodles are the most popular breed,

and it's for sure thanks to Masterpiece

for being such an awesome poodle.

- To Masterpiece! - To Masterpieeece!

[patriotic music]

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

[music]