Original subtitles

# Bah! Ba-ba-ba-bah! Ba-ba-ba-bah!

# Ba-ba-ba-bah!

# When the world In which you live in

# Gets a bit too much to bear

# And you need someone to lean on, When you look there's no one there

# You're gonna find me Out in the country

# Yeah, you're gonna find me

# Way out in the country, Ba-ba-ba... #

A SHEEP BLEATS

"Anne and..." What does that say?

Graham? Gordon? I think it's Gavin.

Please tell me we don't know anyone called Gavin.

I don't think that says Anne either, I think it says Val.

Well, whoever they are, they're wishing us a very happy Christmas.

Oh, Santa's little helper's not in a good mood, is he?

Well, it's all so pointless, isn't it?

In fact, you know what? Let's just not do Christmas this year.

Zoe's at her dad's, my two can't make it.

What, you mean just ignore it?

Just treat Christmas like any other day,

it's what a lot of our neighbours in Leeds did.

They were Muslims. Maybe, but they had the right idea.

Do you like Turkey? Not really.

Christmas pudding? I wouldn't miss it.

Yeah, and you know why? Because it's not very nice.

I'm always too full to enjoy it.

Exactly! You're stuffed to the gills and then you've got to eat something

that looks like it's been dropped on your plate by a police horse.

Oh, thanks, I think that's off the menu now.

Yeah, a good test, take the word Christmas out

and would you still do it? Would you send someone a card saying,

wishing you a very happy day? Course not,

they'd think you're deranged. Or American.

What, you mean no decorations, no Christmas tree?

Again, take the word Christmas out,

do we normally have a tree in the house?

OK, OK.

You're on, we're not doing Christmas. Deal?

Deal.

So no presents then.

Not doing Christmas? Whose idea was this?

Well, Steve pointed out...

Oh, I might've known.

No, I agree with him. We do all these things just cos

it's Christmas Day and we don't enjoy them.

Who says we don't enjoy them?

Well, it's true, I mean, take sprouts.

If sprouts were nice, people would have them more than once a year.

I do, I eat them every Sunday when they're in season.

Twice a week sometimes.

All right, not sprouts, mince pies.

I love mince pies, I eat them all the time.

OK, Christmas crackers.

No-one ever has crackers unless it's Christmas.

Hey, you're right, and there's something else fishy I've noticed.

People only have Easter eggs when it's Easter.

You might be on to something here, Steve.

Well, we've decided we're not making a big thing of it this year.

Suit yourselves, no skin off my nose.

I'll be having my Christmas dinner at the bowls club, as usual,

followed by a great big, steaming Christmas pudding.

What's so funny? Sounds lovely.

Nothing.

Right, that's me off. Have you got some gardening work?

Do you mind! These aren't my work clothes, this is my best coat.

Hey, I thought we weren't doing Christmas.

This is work, North Yorkshire Mobility Scooters

felt their website wasn't Christmassy enough.

Oh, I know, why don't you have Santa

coming across on one of their scoo...

'Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho!'

Aw, that's quite sweet! Yeah,

Santa's got a degenerative disease.

'Ho-ho-ho!'

# Hark the Herald Angels sing

# "Glory to the new-born King!"

# Peace on earth and mercy mild... #

Shop looks nice.

It's for Christmas.

Yeah, I... Anyway, it's very nice.

Want any tinsel? It's on special offer.

Er, no thanks.

What about chocolate oranges?

Four for the price of five.

No, we're erm... Isn't that the wrong way round?

Huh?Shouldn't it be five for the price of four?

Only if you're getting four but you're paying...Gareth!

Should the chocolate oranges be five for the price of four?

'You what?'

Why aren't the chocolate oranges five for the price of four?

'We'd be losing out that way.'

We'd be losing out that way.

Right. Well, I don't want any anyway, thanks.

Actually, me and Steve,

we've decided we're not doing Christmas this year.

Why not?

We're just not.

That's daft, that is. Best day of the year, Christmas Day.

You can eat what you want all day long.

There we are, all done.

See you in the New Year.

Some of you.

THE TILL BLEEPS

Oh, hello, dear. Doing your Christmas shopping?

Oh, no, we've decided we're not... oh, never mind.

What are you up to at Christmas, Alice? Are you seeing your sister?

Oh, no, Joyce is away in Colchester visiting her daughter.

I'll just stay at home on my own,

again. It's nice and warm if I keep my coat on.

What do you mean, you've invited her to drinks?

We said we're not doing Christmas. We're not,

it's just drinks that happen to be on Christmas Eve.

I had to do something, she's going to be all alone on Christmas Day.

Like she is every other day, once again,

take the word Christmas out of it, it makes a lot more sense.

It's a day and she's going to be alone on it.

And with that, the little Christmas elf

shook his bell and wrapped another present.

Who else are you thinking of inviting?

My dad.

Matt and Meena. Oh, not them.

Oh, come on.

If the soldiers in the First World War can have a Christmas truce,

then so can you.

Yes, but this is more serious, they didn't actually hate each other.

No, it's not Christmas drinks, Dad,

it's just drinks that happen to be on Christmas Eve.

All right, well, call it what you want, are you coming or not?

Good. Bye.

God's sake.

Where are you off to?

Oh, erm, I just thought I'd go and invite Grizzo to this drinks thing.

You've changed your tune. I doubt Grizzo'll want to come.

Well, you never know, anyway,

I thought we might as well invite someone I actually like.

THE DOOR BELL CHIMES

Oh, hiya, Steve. Oh, hi. Have I come at a bad time?

No, just getting this down off the roof.

How did a harp get on your roof?

Put it this way, that's the last time I invite

Kylie Minogue to one of my parties!

Right. Anyway, the reason I'm here, we were just wondering

what you're doing for Christmas?

Oh, I'm gonna have a traditional Christmas.Oh, good,

we're having drinks on Christmas Eve,

so if you fancy coming round? Love to.

Great!

Only, like I said, I'll be in the Bahamas.

Oh, I thought you said you were having a traditional Christmas.

No, that is the tradition.

I go to the Bahamas. Oh, right. Yeah.

Well, have a nice time.

You too. Thanks for the invite.

Oh, no, you're welcome.

Oh, Steve.

When is it again? Christmas Eve.

No, when's Christmas? It's in five days' time.

Brilliant! Cheers!

Hi, Shannon.

I did a click and collect, is there a parcel here for me?

It's a present for Nicky.

What's it look like?

Well, I should imagine it looks like a parcel with my name on it.

Gareth!

Is there a parcel there?

'You what?'

Is there a parcel for Steve?

'I don't think so.'

It should be here, it was next-day delivery.

If it's next-day delivery, it'll be here tomorrow then.

No, I ordered it yesterday, so today is the next day.

Well, every day's the next day if you start from yesterday.

Look, I came in here for a parcel, not a philosophy lecture.

Is it here or not?

No.

Thank you.

Shouldn't that be...

Maybe she just doesn't like harps.

Well, we'll probably never know. The point is, he can't come.

Well, let's hope Matt and Meena can.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, look at this!

Welcome to the next John Lewis advert.

'I've been baking brownies since five in the morning!'

'I have been behind the wheel of a car for three hours already today!'

'I've been on the roof putting the lights up!'

'Yes, but it was me that got the illuminated reindeer working!'

'Bully for you!' STEVE KNOCKS THE DOOR

Hi. What a pleasant surprise.

Anyone for a cinnamon brownie? They're very moreish.

I see you put a few lights up.

Where are the kids? They're at macrame club.

They're very good at it. Of course.

Look what Silas made last week.

What is it?

It's an angel. It's lovely!

They're making our present this week.

We're not allowed to know what it is.

Whatever it is, it'll be made out of string.

It's the thought that counts, Steve.

We wondered if you'd like to come for drinks Christmas Eve?

Yeah, they're not Christmas drinks, just drinks on Christmas Eve.

I don't see the difference.

Talk to my dad about that.

We've decided we're not going to do Christmas this year.

Oh, that's a shame. You can't beat a proper Christmas.

Christmas stockings... Christmas walks.....games...

..carols... Christmas rows.

Anyway, we'd love to come. Great.

Yeah, but that's not click and collect, is it? That's just click.

All right, I'll go back and see if it's there,

like I have every day since I ordered it.

Yep.

Yeah, happy Christmas to you, too.

Mind you don't choke on a mince pie, or anything.

Who was that?

Oh, it was just a client ringing to wish me happy Christmas.

They're brave. I thought I might go to the shop,

get a few bits and pieces for tonight.

We've got everything we need, I drove 50 miles to get it.

Yeah, but we might need some mustard.

We've got mustard.

No, not the stuff they sell at the shop.

What? Mouldy and out-of-date.

Yeah, but we do need some post-it notes, as well as mustard.

So, I won't be long.

It's not here.

Well, according to them, it is. Can you please double-check.

Gareth! 'It's not here, I've checked!'

Can you look on the system, see what it says.

THE COMPUTER BLEEPS

It's saying there's an unexpected volume of parcels.

Unexpected?!

What is unexpected about Christmas?

It's been on the calendar for over 2,000 years.

It hasn't been unexpected since that angel appeared

to three shepherds in a field.

They had a right to be caught out by it but nobody else does!

It's...

not...

here.

Right, well, that's that then, isn't it?

I'll just have to wake up on Christmas morning

with no present for my wife.

Thought you weren't doing Christmas.

Am I the only one coming to this party?

No, Matt and Meena are coming with the kids,

oh, and they're bringing Alice.

I hope you've got enough booze in,

she's the reason there's no pub in the village.Was there a pub then?

Oh, yes, they made the mistake of banning her,

two months later they went out of business.

That'll be them.

Oh, it's started snowing.

Oh, yes, it's almost as if it's Christmas.

Shame we're not allowed to say it.

DOOR BELL RINGS

IN CHORUS: It's snowing!

Well, let's hope your car doesn't get stuck.

Listen to him, you townies see a couple of flakes of snow

and start to panic! We're a bit more used to it here.

I could do with a sherry to warm myself up.

Well, if you'd like to come in.

Oh, hello, Alice. Is there any sherry?

Dad, would you, erm...

It's all right, I'll manage.

There we go, try telling her it's not Christmas.

We made you a present. Oh, lovely.

They made that all by themselves.

Oh.

It's a table mat.

Oh, right, well,

put it on the table them.

What would you like to drink? Wine, beer?

I'm driving, just tap water for me.

Great, well, help yourself then.

Meena? This sherry's very good.

Ooh, I might have one of those.

Right, one sherry coming up.

Oh, I think I'll join you.

Not too many of those, we don't like crisps, do we?

High salt content. We're watching telly!

Well, not too much of that, either.

Looks like someone's getting stuck into the sherry.Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

Oh.

Nicky, can I tell you something?

Go on.

No. What's this, Meena?

Oh, nothing. No, go on, it's rude to whisper.

OK, I was just telling Nicky that sometimes I hate it here.

No, Meena, you don't, we've talked about this, remember?

Have some more of this.

I think she's had enough, she's not as used to it as you are.

It's only sherry.

Still, best not to.

Oh, come on, Matt, loosen up.

Oh!

I've got it.

What're you doing? That is a table mat!

What now? You're right. That is a table, Matt.

Right, that's it, we're leaving, I'll go and start the car.

Silas, Pipps! 'We're just watching something.'

Thanks for coming.

Don't forget your coat.

Bloody hell!

Are you going to be able to get through that all right?

Yeah, I think so, I mean, our car can handle most things.

I've never seen so much snow.

I must admit, even by country standards,

that's one hell of a dump.

You don't normally say that until Boxing Day.

We won't get through that, we're stuck here for the night.

Oh, great!

Sleep well? Not really,

I was worried my eyelids were going to freeze shut.

How about you?

I had a dream I was living in an igloo.

What was it like? Warmer than this.

Anyway...

..happy Christmas!

You said we wouldn't.

I know, but I'd already bought it for you, so, happy day!

Oh, Nicky. Don't you like it?

I love it! Thank you, it's just...

..I did buy you a present, but it didn't arrive.

Steve, you don't have to pretend.

No, I did, only Shannon...

Oh, you got something from the shop, what was it? A tin of cat food?

No, it was a proper present.

I almost believe you.

Right, I suppose we'd better go and do a body count,

see if they've survived the night.

Fingers crossed.

Thanks.

Paracetamol? Yes, please.

I'm hungry, Mummy.

Oh, just have some crisps.

It's no good, I can hardly see the car, let alone drive it.

I told you, we're stuck here for the duration.

Is there any sherry?

Oh, it's all finished, Alice. And we know why.

We've got some fishcakes, we can have those for lunch.

Ah, the traditional Christmas fishcake, shall I carve,

or will you?

There's a Cornish pasty.

Anything vegetarian?

It'll have to be a mishmash, I'm afraid, we've not got a lot in.

Oh, I wonder why.

Oh, yeah, it's because someone had the bright idea

of not doing Christmas.

All right, Dad, leave it. Yeah, come on, Ken, it is Christmas.

And what do we say about crisps?

Mummy said we could have them.

I just... Fine. Just no fizzy drinks.

This is the worst Christmas ever.

I agree and I've had 92 of them!

HE WHISTLES: 'WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS'

I should've been at the bowls club by now.

I wish you were. Eh?

No, I mean, because then you wouldn't

be stuck here, you'd be having a nice time there.

We're just sorry we ruined everyone's Christmas.

Oh, no. Well...

Father Christmas is coming! We saw him from the window!

Oh, they've got wonderful imaginations.

They're hallucinating,

it's what happens when you give them crisps and fizzy drinks.But he is!

It's Father Christmas on his sledge!

Grizzo?!

Merry Christmas.

I thought you were going to the Bahamas?

Flight was cancelled, thanks to the erm, what's it called?

Snow. Yeah, that's it, yeah.

Anyway, brought a few bits and pieces with me.

Now, who wants to give me a hand getting the tree in?

Yay!

How's the nut-roast doing?

Fine, once I stopped you stuffing it in the turkey.

In fairness, it does look like stuffing.

I really did get you a present, you know.

Steve, it's fine. Well, you certainly saved the day.

Where the heck did you get all this lot from?

It just turned up yesterday morning, record label sent it as a thank you.

What's this, Grizzo?

Oh, hey, you are gonna love this!

It's a glitter cannon, we'll set it off outside after dinner, hey?

Yay!

Turned out all right, hasn't it?

Considering we're not doing Christmas.

Yeah, it has, hasn't it?

THE DOOR BELL RINGS

Shannon?!

This came after you left, thought you might want it for Christmas.

Oh, thank you! How did you get here?

Bronson borrowed a tractor.

Borrowed?

Well, technically took, but I'll give it back, like.

Seeing as it's Christmas.

It's hard to describe my sound really,

it's a sort of grime-indie crossover with a bit of drum and bass.

Is it anything like Perry Como?

Er...

Oh, Steve, it's gorgeous!

I love it.They don't call me Mr Christmas for nothing.

Thank you.

Coin, what coin?

Bronson made our pocket money disappear!

This is the best Christmas ever!

Is he allowed to say that, Steve? Yes, yes.

Righto. Gareth says, "Happy Christmas".

IN CHORUS: Happy Christmas, Gareth!

'You what?'

Right, look, as you know...

..we weren't going to celebrate Christmas this year...

THEY GRUMBLE ..in any event,

it didn't turn out like that, thanks to your generosity and...

..kindness.

So, from now on, we're going to celebrate Christmas properly.

Good. Glad to hear it.

I'd like to wish you all a very happy...

Steve, no! BANG!

Fishcake, anyone?

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