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1
00:00:10,487 --> 00:00:13,285
# You must remember this
2
00:00:13,327 --> 00:00:15,795
# A kiss is still a kiss
3
00:00:15,847 --> 00:00:18,759
# A sigh is just a sigh
4
00:00:21,447 --> 00:00:25,156
# The fundamental things apply
5
00:00:25,207 --> 00:00:29,246
# As time goes by #
6
00:00:31,647 --> 00:00:33,638
No, thank you. No, thank you.
7
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No, thank you!
8
00:00:38,167 --> 00:00:39,236
God!
9
00:00:39,287 --> 00:00:41,755
No, thank you.
10
00:00:41,807 --> 00:00:43,684
No, thank you. Goodbye.
11
00:00:43,727 --> 00:00:46,400
- Friend of yours?
- British Telecom.
12
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:50,440
One of those "Are you satisfied
with our services?" calls.
13
00:00:50,487 --> 00:00:55,003
I said yes and hoped that would be it, but
I get ten minutes of being offered extras.
14
00:00:55,047 --> 00:00:56,878
You weren't even listening.
15
00:00:56,927 --> 00:00:59,043
Well, it's all getting too complicated.
16
00:00:59,087 --> 00:01:01,885
Do you realise you can get a special rate
17
00:01:01,927 --> 00:01:05,124
if you make calls
between three and five in the morning
18
00:01:05,167 --> 00:01:08,955
providing you're standing on one leg
and wearing a ginger wig?
19
00:01:09,007 --> 00:01:12,079
- You turned that down?
- Well, you know what I mean.
20
00:01:12,127 --> 00:01:14,118
Yes, I know what you mean.
21
00:01:15,807 --> 00:01:18,241
- Who's that for?
- Me.
22
00:01:18,287 --> 00:01:20,039
You mean you bought it?
23
00:01:20,087 --> 00:01:24,638
No, I stole it from a baby's pram.
What do you think? Of course I bought it.
24
00:01:24,687 --> 00:01:26,678
- Why?
- Because I did.
25
00:01:27,247 --> 00:01:29,636
Oh. Aren't you a bit...
26
00:01:29,687 --> 00:01:31,359
No.
27
00:01:31,407 --> 00:01:33,398
Anyway, he's sweet.
28
00:01:34,407 --> 00:01:36,079
Look, he's waving at you.
29
00:01:36,127 --> 00:01:38,960
No, he's not. You're moving his arm.
30
00:01:39,807 --> 00:01:41,559
Ignore him, Herbert.
31
00:01:41,607 --> 00:01:44,644
- Why is he called Herbert?
- That's his name.
32
00:01:45,527 --> 00:01:48,246
- I went into the office today.
- Oh, yes?
33
00:01:49,007 --> 00:01:51,123
- Aha!
- What?
34
00:01:51,167 --> 00:01:53,317
All fits in, doesn't it?
35
00:01:53,367 --> 00:01:57,326
You pop into the office, see how Judy
and Sandy are running it without you,
36
00:01:57,367 --> 00:02:00,996
feel out of touch
and buy Herbert to console yourself.
37
00:02:01,047 --> 00:02:05,962
They run it like a well-oiled machine.
I don't understand how they're doing it.
38
00:02:06,007 --> 00:02:10,046
It's new-age technology.
We're being left behind.
39
00:02:10,087 --> 00:02:13,841
Two things. One: we're not new age.
40
00:02:13,887 --> 00:02:17,926
you can only feel left behind
if you were trying to catch up.
41
00:02:17,967 --> 00:02:20,356
Shouldn't we be trying to catch up?
42
00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:23,285
We bumble along quite well
in our own medieval way.
43
00:02:23,327 --> 00:02:24,965
Bumble's the word.
44
00:02:25,007 --> 00:02:28,363
- Could somebody do this up for me?
- Oh, yes, sure.
45
00:02:33,407 --> 00:02:34,681
Thanks.
46
00:02:34,727 --> 00:02:37,480
- Oh, look!
- Yes, that's Herbert.
47
00:02:37,527 --> 00:02:40,644
Herbert? Isn't he sweet?
48
00:02:40,687 --> 00:02:43,247
He waves to people, as well.
49
00:02:43,287 --> 00:02:45,562
Of course he does.
50
00:02:45,607 --> 00:02:47,165
Hello, Lionel.
51
00:02:50,047 --> 00:02:51,719
Where are you going?
52
00:02:51,767 --> 00:02:55,316
Alistair's got tickets to a film premiere
that nobody can get hold of.
53
00:02:55,367 --> 00:02:57,039
- That's Alistair.
- That's Alistair.
54
00:02:57,087 --> 00:02:59,043
That's Alistair.
55
00:02:59,087 --> 00:03:01,078
I'll go.
56
00:03:02,367 --> 00:03:05,757
Erm... You are all right with this,
aren't you?
57
00:03:06,407 --> 00:03:08,284
If Judy is, why shouldn't I be?
58
00:03:08,327 --> 00:03:11,763
That's what I keep telling myself.
What about Lionel?
59
00:03:11,807 --> 00:03:14,640
Oh, he's too confused
to have an opinion.
60
00:03:14,687 --> 00:03:18,123
- You see, it's not as though...
- Hi, guys.
61
00:03:18,167 --> 00:03:21,443
- Hi, Alistair.
- Hello, Alistair.
62
00:03:21,487 --> 00:03:23,478
Guys, girls, teds, what's the difference?
63
00:03:23,527 --> 00:03:27,566
If you don't know,
it's time you had a talk with somebody.
64
00:03:27,607 --> 00:03:29,325
Nice one, Li.
65
00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:33,838
Hey... And look at you!
Is that dress split to the thigh or what?
66
00:03:33,887 --> 00:03:36,640
- It's not split at all.
- A guy can dream.
67
00:03:37,767 --> 00:03:40,122
Well, are we ready to outshine the stars?
68
00:03:40,167 --> 00:03:42,158
I don't see how we can fail.
69
00:03:42,207 --> 00:03:44,163
- See you later.
- Bye.
70
00:03:44,207 --> 00:03:46,198
Ciao, people.
71
00:03:46,247 --> 00:03:49,762
Sandy? It's not as though what?
72
00:03:49,807 --> 00:03:52,446
It's not as though anything's going on.
73
00:03:52,487 --> 00:03:55,047
It's like going out with your brother.
74
00:03:55,087 --> 00:03:57,078
It's Judy he wants, not me.
75
00:03:59,967 --> 00:04:02,765
- Told you so.
- No, you didn't.
76
00:04:02,807 --> 00:04:05,480
Well, I meant to.
77
00:04:05,527 --> 00:04:09,122
- All I said was "Well."
- Oh, Mum, please leave it alone.
78
00:04:09,167 --> 00:04:12,239
- But Sandy said yes...
- You told me what Sandy said.
79
00:04:12,287 --> 00:04:15,404
- Well?
- You're doing it again. Just leave it!
80
00:04:15,447 --> 00:04:17,438
- Lionel?
- Absolutely.
81
00:04:17,487 --> 00:04:19,318
- Absolutely what?
- Just absolutely.
82
00:04:19,367 --> 00:04:22,677
- That's mean.
- I know it is.
83
00:04:22,727 --> 00:04:25,799
This saga seems to have been running
longer than The Archers.
84
00:04:25,847 --> 00:04:29,681
I find it totally confusing and I don't see
anybody unconfusing me.
85
00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:33,356
It is perfectly clear.
It is Judy that Alistair wants.
86
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,716
Alistair doesn't know what he wants.
87
00:04:35,767 --> 00:04:38,235
He's whizzing around
like some demented comet.
88
00:04:38,287 --> 00:04:43,122
Till he comes down to earth I don't want
to know. Talk about something else.
89
00:04:44,647 --> 00:04:47,445
I never had a teddy bear
when I was a child.
90
00:04:49,127 --> 00:04:52,039
Aw, didn't you?
91
00:04:52,087 --> 00:04:54,362
No.
92
00:04:54,407 --> 00:04:58,923
- Who can that be?
- Perhaps it's a friend of Herbert's.
93
00:05:00,927 --> 00:05:04,476
How was the film?
Oh, that's a silly question, isn't it?
94
00:05:04,527 --> 00:05:06,006
We never got there.
95
00:05:06,047 --> 00:05:09,756
We got as far as the pre-premiere drinks,
then Alistair's pager went off.
96
00:05:09,807 --> 00:05:13,197
- That sounds familiar.
- Then he made a call on his mobile,
97
00:05:13,247 --> 00:05:17,160
said how sorry he was, put me in a taxi
and disappeared.
98
00:05:17,207 --> 00:05:20,882
- That sounds familiar, too.
- You've a lot to answer for.
99
00:05:22,327 --> 00:05:24,318
I don't even have a pager.
100
00:05:25,607 --> 00:05:26,881
Your sex.
101
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,158
Lionel!
102
00:05:37,007 --> 00:05:39,726
Would you get that? Lionel!
103
00:05:44,807 --> 00:05:46,798
Coming, coming!
104
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:51,605
- Oh.
- Paul Partridge. British Telecom.
105
00:05:51,647 --> 00:05:52,921
Come in.
106
00:05:52,967 --> 00:05:55,720
Take a look at the card.
Forgeries have been known.
107
00:05:57,287 --> 00:06:01,121
- Oh, yes, that's you, all right. Come in.
- Much obliged.
108
00:06:02,847 --> 00:06:05,202
You didn't say, "Aha!"
109
00:06:05,247 --> 00:06:07,238
Oh. Was I supposed to?
110
00:06:07,287 --> 00:06:10,723
Well, no, but a lot of people do.
The name, you see, Partridge.
111
00:06:10,767 --> 00:06:13,361
- The character off the television?
- Oh, yes.
112
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:16,604
As soon as people hear the name
they go "Aha!" and laugh.
113
00:06:16,647 --> 00:06:18,399
It gets very wearing.
114
00:06:18,447 --> 00:06:21,598
I suppose it must do.
He's very funny though, isn't he?
115
00:06:21,647 --> 00:06:24,684
- Not to me, no. Couldn't be, really.
- No.
116
00:06:24,727 --> 00:06:27,161
- You've come about the extra line?
- Absolutely.
117
00:06:27,207 --> 00:06:30,165
It'll be in there, Mr Partridge,
next to the computer.
118
00:06:30,207 --> 00:06:32,402
- I'll be with you in a minute.
- Right you are.
119
00:06:34,487 --> 00:06:36,796
Paul Partridge, British Telecom.
120
00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:40,917
My God, you're really keen,
you people, aren't you?
121
00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:43,037
Well, we certainly do our best.
122
00:06:43,087 --> 00:06:46,443
- Yes, but why?
- Because you asked us to.
123
00:06:46,487 --> 00:06:50,526
I did nothing of the sort.
I said no thank you to everything.
124
00:06:50,567 --> 00:06:52,683
The name is Hardcastle, isn't it?
125
00:06:52,727 --> 00:06:55,446
- Yes.
- Well, I've got you on my sheet.
126
00:06:55,487 --> 00:06:57,637
I don't care where you've got me.
127
00:06:57,687 --> 00:06:59,757
I said no on the phone and that's it.
128
00:06:59,807 --> 00:07:02,799
I don't approve of this kind
of pressure salesmanship.
129
00:07:02,847 --> 00:07:07,159
I'm not pressuring anybody. I could only
fit you in because Willesden fell through.
130
00:07:07,207 --> 00:07:10,358
I don't care.
I'm not answering any more questions.
131
00:07:10,407 --> 00:07:13,604
I don't want you to.
I've just come to fit the extra phone line.
132
00:07:16,287 --> 00:07:19,484
- We're at cross purposes, aren't we?
- I do hope so.
133
00:07:19,527 --> 00:07:21,518
- Here I am.
- Oh, I am glad.
134
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:25,037
Mr... Partridge
is talking about an extra phone line.
135
00:07:25,087 --> 00:07:28,921
- Yes, that's right. I ordered one.
- Oh.
136
00:07:28,967 --> 00:07:32,164
- See, you were on me sheet.
- What have you been saying?
137
00:07:32,207 --> 00:07:36,519
Never mind. Why do we need
two telephones in the same room?
138
00:07:36,567 --> 00:07:38,876
We need a line
cos we're going on the internet.
139
00:07:38,927 --> 00:07:41,487
Aha!
140
00:07:41,527 --> 00:07:44,360
Picked up on the name, then.
141
00:07:45,727 --> 00:07:46,716
Pardon?
142
00:07:49,487 --> 00:07:50,840
What do you mean, "aha"?
143
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:53,560
This is back to feeling
technologically illiterate.
144
00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:57,441
- What if it is?
- Isn't this a rather extreme reaction?
145
00:07:57,487 --> 00:08:00,206
Nothing extreme about it.
Everybody's on the net.
146
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,521
- I am.
- Yes, you see.
147
00:08:01,567 --> 00:08:04,400
- What are you going to use it for?
- All sorts of things.
148
00:08:04,447 --> 00:08:08,201
- You don't even know.
- I'll find out. We can email people.
149
00:08:08,247 --> 00:08:10,556
Well, who do we want to email?
150
00:08:11,727 --> 00:08:13,718
- Excuse me.
- Yes? Sorry.
151
00:08:13,767 --> 00:08:16,406
Would you prefer
to remake the appointment?
152
00:08:16,447 --> 00:08:20,076
No, no, not at all. You go ahead.
We're just chatting.
153
00:08:20,127 --> 00:08:22,436
- Are you sure?
- Yes, positive.
154
00:08:22,487 --> 00:08:25,081
Right. Aha!
155
00:08:25,127 --> 00:08:29,564
Well, we'll just see where this little jigger
goes to first, then, eh?
156
00:08:29,607 --> 00:08:32,917
I still think
this is a very extreme reaction.
157
00:08:32,967 --> 00:08:35,356
A dinosaur would.
158
00:08:35,407 --> 00:08:37,796
- Now, that is amazing.
- What is?
159
00:08:37,847 --> 00:08:40,600
Well, you've still got the old ZR3-59B.
160
00:08:40,647 --> 00:08:45,277
- Have we?
- I suppose you understand that?
161
00:08:49,407 --> 00:08:52,444
- Thank you very much.
- Sorry about the misunderstanding.
162
00:08:52,487 --> 00:08:57,242
Oh, not at all. Good luck. You'll be up
and running once you get your new PC.
163
00:08:57,287 --> 00:09:00,484
- New PC?
- Oh, I thought you knew.
164
00:09:00,527 --> 00:09:05,476
Well, that model you've got in there,
you won't get on the net with that.
165
00:09:06,287 --> 00:09:08,642
- Oh.
- Not to panic, though. Not to panic.
166
00:09:08,687 --> 00:09:12,362
You can probably get by
by just hooking up to a modem. Bye-bye.
167
00:09:12,407 --> 00:09:14,398
- Bye.
- Bye.
168
00:09:16,727 --> 00:09:19,241
You don't know what a modem is,
do you?
169
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:23,002
Something we need.
170
00:09:23,047 --> 00:09:25,561
I suppose the next thing
is to find a modem shop.
171
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,598
Shut up.
172
00:09:31,087 --> 00:09:33,078
Are you going to the football?
173
00:09:33,127 --> 00:09:36,437
No, Harry and I
have blown the whistle on the football.
174
00:09:36,487 --> 00:09:38,955
- Both of you?
- No, just me.
175
00:09:39,007 --> 00:09:43,842
David Ginola apart, there's nothing
about football that appeals to me at all.
176
00:09:44,527 --> 00:09:48,440
Talking of whistle blowing,
I've shown Alistair the red card, too.
177
00:09:48,487 --> 00:09:51,604
- Not that there was ever a game.
- Have you told him?
178
00:09:51,647 --> 00:09:56,038
I haven't heard from him to tell him.
Have you heard from him?
179
00:09:56,087 --> 00:09:58,647
- No, should I have?
- Mm.
180
00:09:58,687 --> 00:10:00,245
Don't start that again.
181
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:04,556
- Oh, do you mind getting that?
- OK.
182
00:10:13,327 --> 00:10:15,602
Hello? Hello.
183
00:10:17,047 --> 00:10:19,038
Hello?
184
00:10:28,487 --> 00:10:31,320
- Who was that?
- They hung up.
185
00:10:31,367 --> 00:10:36,521
That's funny. I had one of those earlier
on this morning. Did you try 1471?
186
00:10:36,567 --> 00:10:39,604
- Yeah, number withheld.
- Let's have some coffee.
187
00:10:39,647 --> 00:10:43,196
- I saw the van. Has it come?
- Yes, I think so.
188
00:10:43,247 --> 00:10:45,397
It's Mum's modem.
189
00:10:46,527 --> 00:10:49,200
Ah! That's my modem.
190
00:10:50,807 --> 00:10:52,798
I can hardly contain myself.
191
00:10:55,247 --> 00:10:57,636
- Go and sit in the garden.
- It's too cold.
192
00:10:57,687 --> 00:10:59,678
Yes, I know.
193
00:11:00,647 --> 00:11:04,879
Almost there, almost there! We're here,
we're here! Come on, you two.
194
00:11:04,927 --> 00:11:08,476
- We were about to have some coffee.
- No, come on. Not you.
195
00:11:17,647 --> 00:11:20,957
- Here it is. There you are.
- What are you giving it to me for?
196
00:11:21,007 --> 00:11:24,966
- It's got to be fixed up in the machine.
- Well, I don't know how to fix it up.
197
00:11:25,007 --> 00:11:27,043
Oh, Judy!
198
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:30,602
- You do it, Sandy.
- Well, I don't know, either.
199
00:11:30,647 --> 00:11:32,763
What about all that stuff at the office?
200
00:11:32,807 --> 00:11:35,924
We know how to use it
but we don't know how to install it.
201
00:11:35,967 --> 00:11:37,958
Well, that's a fat lot of good.
202
00:11:38,927 --> 00:11:40,918
Didn't a man come with that?
203
00:11:42,687 --> 00:11:44,678
- Can't see one.
- Sandy!
204
00:11:44,727 --> 00:11:46,558
He only delivered it.
205
00:11:46,607 --> 00:11:51,237
- There are some instructions.
- Right, then, we'll do it ourselves.
206
00:11:55,407 --> 00:11:57,398
Clear off.
207
00:12:02,207 --> 00:12:04,198
Telephone!
208
00:12:04,247 --> 00:12:07,683
Break the habit of a lifetime
and answer it.
209
00:12:12,207 --> 00:12:14,038
Hello.
210
00:12:14,087 --> 00:12:16,078
Oh, hello, Alistair.
211
00:12:17,847 --> 00:12:19,838
Call you Rex?
212
00:12:20,847 --> 00:12:23,156
Yes, I am alone, as a matter of fact.
213
00:12:24,087 --> 00:12:26,760
I don't have to call you Rex any more?
Oh, good.
214
00:12:26,807 --> 00:12:29,321
What is this?
215
00:12:29,367 --> 00:12:32,245
Oh, blast. The lights have all gone out.
216
00:12:32,287 --> 00:12:35,279
No, we've got a lot
of technical people here.
217
00:12:37,447 --> 00:12:39,438
Go on, anyway.
218
00:12:43,727 --> 00:12:48,801
- And all without the aid of the internet.
- All you had to do was press a button.
219
00:12:49,687 --> 00:12:53,282
Takes a human being to do it, though,
doesn't it?
220
00:12:53,327 --> 00:12:56,399
I'm just popping out
for a swift half with Rex.
221
00:12:56,447 --> 00:12:58,836
- Who's Rex?
- Oh, somebody I know.
222
00:13:00,727 --> 00:13:03,161
- You've heard me talk of Rex.
- No, I haven't.
223
00:13:03,207 --> 00:13:06,085
Oh. Well, erm... that was Rex.
224
00:13:06,127 --> 00:13:08,436
On the... So, I'll see you later.
225
00:13:08,487 --> 00:13:11,923
You wouldn't just like to look
at my booklet first, would you?
226
00:13:11,967 --> 00:13:14,037
It's very tempting, but no, thanks.
227
00:13:19,167 --> 00:13:21,556
- Hi, Li.
- Hello, Alistair.
228
00:13:21,607 --> 00:13:23,598
What's all this Rex nonsense?
229
00:13:23,647 --> 00:13:26,115
- I got you half a bitter.
- Thank you.
230
00:13:26,167 --> 00:13:30,285
- At the risk of repeating myself...
- I called before, but hung up.
231
00:13:30,327 --> 00:13:33,080
Li, I... I can't talk to women.
232
00:13:33,127 --> 00:13:35,687
Is this some sort of medical condition?
233
00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:38,523
Please don't joke, Li.
234
00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:42,640
I can't talk to your women. Not after
the way I treated Sandy the other night.
235
00:13:42,687 --> 00:13:44,643
I don't think she was over-impressed.
236
00:13:44,687 --> 00:13:48,680
- I don't suppose Judy and Jean were.
- Not entirely, no.
237
00:13:49,607 --> 00:13:52,041
But you're OK? With me, I mean.
238
00:13:52,087 --> 00:13:56,558
In so far as you've never stood me up,
yes. Now, what's all this about?
239
00:13:57,727 --> 00:14:00,525
Li, I'm in free fall.
240
00:14:01,247 --> 00:14:02,965
Could you try that in English?
241
00:14:04,127 --> 00:14:07,244
- Zilched.
- Even Old English?
242
00:14:08,607 --> 00:14:11,121
OK, how about erm... broke?
243
00:14:11,167 --> 00:14:12,680
Broke? You?
244
00:14:12,727 --> 00:14:17,721
That's what I keep thinking.
I mean, I am Alistair Deacon.
245
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:22,401
These sort of things
don't happen to Alistair Deacon.
246
00:14:22,447 --> 00:14:24,199
- But they have.
- How?
247
00:14:24,247 --> 00:14:26,044
The domino effect.
248
00:14:26,087 --> 00:14:29,966
Singapore gets the jitters, Kuala Lumpur
catches cold, Rotterdam gets a sniff,
249
00:14:30,007 --> 00:14:32,919
and Frankfurt,
well, we all know Frankfurt!
250
00:14:32,967 --> 00:14:35,276
- Actually, I don't.
- Before you know it,
251
00:14:35,327 --> 00:14:38,205
Canada's driving the final nail
into the coffin.
252
00:14:38,247 --> 00:14:42,445
When you say broke,
is that a comparative term?
253
00:14:42,487 --> 00:14:47,481
No. I mean stony.
Li, you are looking at yesterday's man.
254
00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:49,876
Come on.
255
00:14:49,927 --> 00:14:52,839
- Where?
- Home. You need to be with friends.
256
00:14:52,887 --> 00:14:56,516
- They all hate me.
- Don't make difficulties. Come on.
257
00:14:56,567 --> 00:14:58,558
Come on!
258
00:15:01,887 --> 00:15:06,165
"A modem operating at 2,400 bps,
259
00:15:06,807 --> 00:15:09,605
"2.4 Kbps,
260
00:15:09,647 --> 00:15:13,526
"will transfer
roughly 240 characters a second."
261
00:15:16,287 --> 00:15:18,278
A K's a thousand, isn't it?
262
00:15:19,047 --> 00:15:22,278
Now, what's bps?
Something per second.
263
00:15:23,807 --> 00:15:25,718
Beeps?
264
00:15:25,767 --> 00:15:29,840
That's not very likely, is it?
What else, do you think?
265
00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:31,878
- Beginning with B.
- Pardon?
266
00:15:33,167 --> 00:15:37,160
Nothing. N... Oh! The wandering minstrel!
267
00:15:38,007 --> 00:15:42,478
- I know I owe you an apology.
- No, you owe Sandy an apology.
268
00:15:42,527 --> 00:15:44,006
- Sandy!
- Sit down.
269
00:15:44,047 --> 00:15:46,242
- Alistair's got something to say.
- I bet.
270
00:15:46,287 --> 00:15:47,879
To everybody.
271
00:15:47,927 --> 00:15:51,283
- Judy!
- What's everybody shouting for?
272
00:15:51,327 --> 00:15:53,363
- Oh.
- Hi, Sandy.
273
00:15:53,407 --> 00:15:56,763
I'm glad I missed that film.
Got rotten reviews.
274
00:15:57,887 --> 00:15:59,639
Leave Alistair alone for a moment.
275
00:15:59,687 --> 00:16:03,475
I'll do better than that.
I'll leave him alone permanently.
276
00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,882
What's all the shouting about?
277
00:16:05,927 --> 00:16:07,326
- Oh.
- Hi, Judy.
278
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,278
Alistair has something to say to us.
279
00:16:09,327 --> 00:16:12,842
- I don't think I'm interested.
- Will you all be quiet?
280
00:16:12,887 --> 00:16:17,358
Now, let's all just sit down
and actually listen for a minute.
281
00:16:18,127 --> 00:16:20,118
Alistair.
282
00:16:21,247 --> 00:16:22,760
I don't know where to start.
283
00:16:22,807 --> 00:16:24,957
The Odeon, Leicester Square.
284
00:16:25,007 --> 00:16:26,679
- Sandy.
- No, Sandy's right.
285
00:16:26,727 --> 00:16:28,718
That is where it all started.
286
00:16:30,087 --> 00:16:32,396
Remember that call I made
on my mobile?
287
00:16:32,447 --> 00:16:36,645
- How could I forget?
- It was to a Japanese guy in Australia.
288
00:16:37,487 --> 00:16:40,445
He'd been emailed
by some guys in Tokyo...
289
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:43,356
...so I've been trying to plug holes.
290
00:16:43,407 --> 00:16:45,762
There are too many holes
and not enough plugs.
291
00:16:45,807 --> 00:16:47,798
A boardroom coup, a hostile takeover.
292
00:16:47,847 --> 00:16:51,965
Singapore gets the jitters,
Kuala Lumpur catches cold.
293
00:16:52,007 --> 00:16:54,475
Not the best days
in Alistair Deacon's life.
294
00:16:56,407 --> 00:16:58,159
- Anyway...
- Where are you going?
295
00:16:58,207 --> 00:17:01,563
- Well, home, I suppose.
- Oh, don't be silly.
296
00:17:01,607 --> 00:17:04,246
You're going to stay here tonight.
297
00:17:04,287 --> 00:17:06,926
As I said, it got rotten reviews anyway.
298
00:17:10,927 --> 00:17:12,918
Poor old Alistair.
299
00:17:14,407 --> 00:17:16,398
I did my hug in the pub.
300
00:17:21,047 --> 00:17:23,686
- Well, I'm going to start supper.
- Already?
301
00:17:23,727 --> 00:17:26,525
Yes, it's one of our complicated recipes.
302
00:17:27,167 --> 00:17:29,840
- Sandy.
- Yes, yes.
303
00:17:29,887 --> 00:17:33,163
I always help with complicated recipes,
don't I?
304
00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:41,963
- That was as subtle as a steamroller.
- I just think they ought to be left alone.
305
00:17:42,007 --> 00:17:44,396
You can't start matchmaking
at a time like this.
306
00:17:44,447 --> 00:17:48,440
I'm not, but when Alistair was telling
his sad story, and it was sad,
307
00:17:48,487 --> 00:17:50,762
it was Judy he was telling it to.
308
00:17:51,647 --> 00:17:53,638
- Didn't you notice?
- No.
309
00:17:53,687 --> 00:17:56,201
- Honestly!
- Honestly!
310
00:17:56,247 --> 00:17:58,238
Well, I'm not psychic, am I?
311
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:03,645
I'll say one thing for my mum,
she can be very subtle.
312
00:18:03,687 --> 00:18:05,678
Yes.
313
00:18:06,487 --> 00:18:09,320
So, what next?
314
00:18:10,447 --> 00:18:13,519
I've been trying to get my head
around that but it won't work.
315
00:18:13,567 --> 00:18:17,685
The business has gone.
The flat will probably have to go.
316
00:18:17,727 --> 00:18:20,639
A lot of things will have to go.
317
00:18:20,687 --> 00:18:23,485
All that will be left is... is me.
318
00:18:24,967 --> 00:18:26,958
Well, is that such a bad thing?
319
00:18:27,007 --> 00:18:30,238
- I won't be viable.
- As what?
320
00:18:30,287 --> 00:18:32,847
As me.
321
00:18:34,287 --> 00:18:37,484
You're one of the most self-centred men
I've ever met.
322
00:18:37,527 --> 00:18:39,483
- Steady on.
- Well, it's true.
323
00:18:39,527 --> 00:18:42,758
The whole world
revolves around Alistair Deacon.
324
00:18:42,807 --> 00:18:47,403
The world does exactly as Alistair
Deacon tells it to. It's all flash and glam.
325
00:18:47,447 --> 00:18:51,326
Well, that's what I have to offer, isn't it?
Had to offer.
326
00:18:51,367 --> 00:18:54,643
That's why Sandy went out with me.
We both knew that.
327
00:18:54,687 --> 00:18:58,441
A bit of flash and glam
after her rugby-playing copper.
328
00:18:59,487 --> 00:19:03,639
That night she stayed over, you know.
I... I didn't make a move.
329
00:19:04,887 --> 00:19:06,878
Yeah, I know. Sandy told me.
330
00:19:06,927 --> 00:19:09,805
Yeah, well,
that wasn't very flash and glam, was it?
331
00:19:10,407 --> 00:19:13,001
No. It was ground breaking.
332
00:19:14,727 --> 00:19:17,366
I tried to explain it to myself.
333
00:19:17,407 --> 00:19:19,398
Justify it, really.
334
00:19:19,447 --> 00:19:21,563
"Respect?" I thought. No.
335
00:19:21,607 --> 00:19:24,917
"Doing the decent thing?" I thought. No.
336
00:19:25,767 --> 00:19:28,156
"She's had a bit too much to drink,"
I thought.
337
00:19:28,207 --> 00:19:30,198
No, that's never worked.
338
00:19:32,207 --> 00:19:34,198
Because I was thinking of you?
339
00:19:36,647 --> 00:19:40,959
- Does that work?
- It's all irrelevant now, anyway.
340
00:19:41,007 --> 00:19:44,920
The person you're suddenly
sitting next to is... just me.
341
00:19:47,087 --> 00:19:50,443
- It's not funny.
- No. I'm sorry.
342
00:19:50,487 --> 00:19:54,162
It's just, this "just me"
that you're left with...
343
00:19:54,207 --> 00:19:57,040
- I don't want to talk about him.
- Is he such a bad bloke?
344
00:19:57,087 --> 00:19:59,078
I don't think he is.
345
00:20:01,087 --> 00:20:03,157
In fact, I think he's a really nice bloke.
346
00:20:03,207 --> 00:20:04,879
Huh!
347
00:20:04,927 --> 00:20:07,919
Since when was "nice" enough?
348
00:20:13,127 --> 00:20:15,561
Why have we started
taking the local paper?
349
00:20:15,607 --> 00:20:19,919
- To keep up with local affairs.
- Oh, we're back to keeping up, are we?
350
00:20:19,967 --> 00:20:22,640
- Finished your early morning grumble?
- I think so.
351
00:20:22,687 --> 00:20:25,326
- Good morning.
- Morning.
352
00:20:25,367 --> 00:20:28,484
- Morning.
- Does Alistair take tea or coffee?
353
00:20:28,527 --> 00:20:30,882
Coffee. Sometimes buck's fizz.
354
00:20:32,367 --> 00:20:34,358
Coffee, then.
355
00:20:34,407 --> 00:20:36,762
- Morning.
- Morning.
356
00:20:36,807 --> 00:20:39,321
- Where's Alistair?
- He's in bed, isn't he?
357
00:20:39,367 --> 00:20:44,077
No. I just crept in there to get
some clean clothes but he's not there.
358
00:20:45,047 --> 00:20:47,607
- Oh, my God. What's he done?
- Don't panic.
359
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:50,480
There's a perfectly rational explanation
for this.
360
00:20:50,527 --> 00:20:53,041
- Isn't there, Lionel?
- Is there?
361
00:20:54,327 --> 00:20:57,160
- Alistair?
- Who switched that on?
362
00:20:58,727 --> 00:21:00,957
Alistair did. Look, he's left a message.
363
00:21:01,007 --> 00:21:04,044
"You're on the net. So was I.
Love Alistair."
364
00:21:04,087 --> 00:21:06,999
- What does that mean?
- He's fitted the modem!
365
00:21:07,047 --> 00:21:08,719
No, this message.
366
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:11,725
There's no other way of reading that
but optimistically.
367
00:21:11,767 --> 00:21:14,645
- Yeah, you're right.
- And we're on the internet.
368
00:21:14,687 --> 00:21:17,679
Should we email that chap
and tell him not to come?
369
00:21:17,727 --> 00:21:19,524
- Do you know his email address?
- No.
370
00:21:19,567 --> 00:21:21,285
- Then you should phone him.
- Oh.
371
00:21:21,327 --> 00:21:24,285
- How do we get to the internet bit?
- Hang on.
372
00:21:25,167 --> 00:21:26,486
There!
373
00:21:26,527 --> 00:21:28,677
Look at that!
374
00:21:29,607 --> 00:21:32,883
I thought we might have sausages
for breakfast.
375
00:21:36,687 --> 00:21:40,839
- I said I thought we might have saus...
- All right, all right.
376
00:21:42,527 --> 00:21:45,325
We are not going to be friends, you and I.
377
00:21:47,767 --> 00:21:51,601
- Nothing in this local rag at all.
- Then why are you reading it?
378
00:21:51,647 --> 00:21:56,767
- I'm looking at the Lonely Hearts.
- Very well, I'll ask. Why?
379
00:21:56,807 --> 00:22:00,925
When you finally marry that computer,
I shall need some companionship.
380
00:22:01,847 --> 00:22:05,999
I just find it interesting, that's all.
Being on the internet makes me feel...
381
00:22:06,047 --> 00:22:08,038
- Young?
- No, modern.
382
00:22:09,287 --> 00:22:12,882
- I haven't finished that yet!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
383
00:22:14,087 --> 00:22:18,524
You were on all morning, you had lunch
in minutes, and you're tearing back to it.
384
00:22:18,567 --> 00:22:21,001
I'm not tearing anywhere.
385
00:22:21,047 --> 00:22:24,323
Look, I'll sit and chat,
if that's what you want.
386
00:22:27,767 --> 00:22:30,281
Or I can sit here
and watch you read the paper.
387
00:22:30,327 --> 00:22:32,443
- There's something in it.
- What?
388
00:22:32,487 --> 00:22:36,765
"Beautiful blonde seeks relationship
with ageing internet hater"?
389
00:22:37,687 --> 00:22:39,962
- Harry. Sandy's Harry.
- Ex.
390
00:22:40,007 --> 00:22:44,717
Ex, then. "Local police constable
breaks leg in rugby match."
391
00:22:44,767 --> 00:22:47,361
Oh, poor Harry!
392
00:22:48,247 --> 00:22:50,442
Oh, keep that to show Sandy.
393
00:22:50,487 --> 00:22:53,206
- You just said, "ex."
- Well, you never know.
394
00:23:03,767 --> 00:23:06,042
Hello? Hello?
395
00:23:06,087 --> 00:23:10,126
Hello, Alistair.
Where did you get to this morning?
396
00:23:10,167 --> 00:23:13,364
- Zurich? Alistair's in Zurich.
- What's he doing in Zurich?
397
00:23:13,407 --> 00:23:15,796
Lionel says
what are you doing in Zurich?
398
00:23:15,847 --> 00:23:17,838
Flying home. Oh, right.
399
00:23:18,567 --> 00:23:21,127
Tell Judy what?
400
00:23:21,167 --> 00:23:25,160
Yes, all right, yes.
We'll see you this evening. Bye.
401
00:23:25,207 --> 00:23:27,357
Tell Judy what?
402
00:23:27,407 --> 00:23:29,477
Tell Judy they forgot Copenhagen.
403
00:23:30,607 --> 00:23:33,883
- Who forgot Copenhagen?
- It's obvious.
404
00:23:36,487 --> 00:23:38,637
I've no idea.
405
00:23:38,687 --> 00:23:40,405
Well, it must mean something.
406
00:23:40,447 --> 00:23:43,598
It means "Wait". Look, it says "Wait".
407
00:23:43,647 --> 00:23:47,242
No, no, I mean Alistair's message.
Who forgot Copenhagen?
408
00:23:47,287 --> 00:23:50,165
Well, it can't be the Danes.
409
00:23:50,207 --> 00:23:53,438
If one of you technophiles
could tear yourselves away...
410
00:23:56,167 --> 00:23:58,635
Hello?
411
00:23:58,687 --> 00:24:01,838
Oh, hello, Harry. Yes, I'm fine, thanks.
412
00:24:02,887 --> 00:24:06,323
Supper tonight? Look, I don't think so.
413
00:24:07,287 --> 00:24:09,847
Look, we've been through all this before.
414
00:24:09,887 --> 00:24:11,878
As long as you insist...
415
00:24:12,767 --> 00:24:14,359
What?
416
00:24:14,407 --> 00:24:17,126
For the whole season?
417
00:24:17,167 --> 00:24:19,635
Look, you'd better mean this, Harry.
418
00:24:20,687 --> 00:24:22,040
Yes, all right.
419
00:24:22,087 --> 00:24:25,159
No, I'll meet you there. Bye.
420
00:24:28,007 --> 00:24:33,684
Erm... Harry says that he's going
to give up rugby for the whole season.
421
00:24:37,087 --> 00:24:42,002
Well, it must mean something,
mustn't it? See you later.
422
00:24:42,047 --> 00:24:44,607
I'll get that.
423
00:24:45,407 --> 00:24:48,240
- You didn't tell her about the leg.
- Neither did you.
424
00:24:48,287 --> 00:24:50,198
- What leg?
- Harry's.
425
00:24:50,247 --> 00:24:52,238
- He broke it, playing rugby.
- Oh!
426
00:24:52,287 --> 00:24:56,439
No, no, no, Judy, don't. Just give them
a chance. They might get it together.
427
00:24:56,487 --> 00:24:59,524
- Yeah, or Sandy will kill him.
- Or Sandy will kill him.
428
00:25:00,447 --> 00:25:01,675
- Hi.
- Hello, Alistair.
429
00:25:01,727 --> 00:25:03,240
Sandy let me in.
430
00:25:03,287 --> 00:25:05,278
It was quite sunny in Zurich.
431
00:25:05,327 --> 00:25:08,125
You didn't go
just to see what the weather was like.
432
00:25:08,167 --> 00:25:11,523
No, no. I went to Zurich
because they forgot Copenhagen.
433
00:25:11,567 --> 00:25:13,797
Oh, who forgot Copenhagen?
434
00:25:13,847 --> 00:25:15,326
The bad guys.
435
00:25:15,367 --> 00:25:19,997
They managed to zap Sven in Sweden
but they forgot Carl in Copenhagen.
436
00:25:20,047 --> 00:25:25,121
I emailed Carl. Carl emailed Zurich and
there's a chink of light. It's very simple.
437
00:25:28,007 --> 00:25:29,804
Let me go over it from Singapore.
438
00:25:29,847 --> 00:25:33,317
No, don't go over it again.
Just tell us what the end result is.
439
00:25:33,367 --> 00:25:35,961
I'm down but not out.
440
00:25:36,007 --> 00:25:39,079
I've come out with enough
to keep my head above water.
441
00:25:39,127 --> 00:25:42,403
- Oh, that is good news.
- It's great news.
442
00:25:42,447 --> 00:25:44,403
- We're pleased for you.
- Thanks.
443
00:25:45,127 --> 00:25:49,245
So, Judy, what say we pop
a few champagne corks to celebrate?
444
00:25:49,287 --> 00:25:54,122
If your head is just above water, perhaps
we should settle for a bottle of red.
445
00:25:54,167 --> 00:25:56,158
Whatever you say.
446
00:25:56,607 --> 00:25:59,917
What about the older folks who
I've come to think of as Mom and Pop?
447
00:26:03,367 --> 00:26:06,165
Oh, us? No, thank you, Alistair.
448
00:26:06,207 --> 00:26:09,961
No, we take all our evening pills
round about this time.
449
00:26:10,807 --> 00:26:12,798
OK.
450
00:26:12,847 --> 00:26:17,363
Hey, I couldn't actually call you
Mom and Pop, could I?
451
00:26:17,407 --> 00:26:19,443
No.
452
00:26:20,687 --> 00:26:22,678
We'll work on that one.
453
00:26:22,727 --> 00:26:25,605
Right, see you later, then.
Oh, just a minute.
454
00:26:25,647 --> 00:26:28,115
I hope you keep liking
this just-me guy, Judy.
455
00:26:28,167 --> 00:26:32,206
- I'm going to be struggling for a while.
- I don't mind.
456
00:26:32,247 --> 00:26:37,367
I don't think I've managed to salvage
more than about one and a half million.
457
00:26:38,607 --> 00:26:42,725
Well, you wouldn't want me
actually to be poor, would you?
458
00:26:42,767 --> 00:26:45,486
Nobody could be that self-sacrificing.
459
00:26:46,727 --> 00:26:48,718
No, I suppose not.
460
00:26:51,207 --> 00:26:53,596
- One and a half million?
- That's what he said.
461
00:26:53,647 --> 00:26:57,003
- Yes, but one and a half million!
- Don't go on about the money.
462
00:26:57,047 --> 00:26:58,924
I think love is in the air.
463
00:26:58,967 --> 00:27:02,482
- You're a hopeless romantic.
- Yes, I suppose I am.
464
00:27:04,887 --> 00:27:06,878
Oh, not that thing again!
465
00:27:07,687 --> 00:27:10,679
Only ten minutes.
466
00:27:10,727 --> 00:27:13,116
I didn't touch it. I didn't touch it!
467
00:27:14,207 --> 00:27:17,643
You couldn't have reached
with your little arms. It's a power cut.
468
00:27:17,687 --> 00:27:20,406
There's a candle here somewhere.
469
00:27:21,047 --> 00:27:23,607
Oh. Yes, look.
470
00:27:24,607 --> 00:27:27,246
There, that's better.
471
00:27:27,287 --> 00:27:30,757
- I'll get some more.
- No, one's enough.
472
00:27:30,807 --> 00:27:33,844
You're the romantic. Come and sit down.
473
00:27:35,527 --> 00:27:40,123
Ah! Are you sure you didn't fix it
for the lights to go off?
474
00:27:40,167 --> 00:27:42,761
No. Even with my immensely long arms,
475
00:27:42,807 --> 00:27:45,480
I couldn't reach
the cupboard under the stairs.
476
00:27:45,527 --> 00:27:47,836
No, I suppose not.
477
00:27:47,887 --> 00:27:50,640
- It is romantic, though, isn't it?
- Yes, it is.
478
00:27:50,687 --> 00:27:53,838
Why are you smiling?
479
00:27:53,887 --> 00:27:56,526
I was just thinking
of the things you could still do
480
00:27:56,567 --> 00:27:59,923
that require no
technological expertise at all.
481
00:28:00,727 --> 00:28:03,036
Oh, Lionel, you are a rascal.
482
00:28:04,607 --> 00:28:06,598
Well, I have my moments.
483
00:28:14,967 --> 00:28:17,800
# You must remember this
484
00:28:17,847 --> 00:28:20,315
# A kiss is still a kiss
485
00:28:20,367 --> 00:28:23,404
# A sigh is just a sigh
486
00:28:25,807 --> 00:28:29,516
# The fundamental things apply
487
00:28:29,567 --> 00:28:34,083
# As time goes by
488
00:28:36,527 --> 00:28:39,200
# And when two lovers woo
489
00:28:39,247 --> 00:28:42,000
# They still say I love you
490
00:28:42,047 --> 00:28:45,084
# On that you can rely
491
00:28:47,807 --> 00:28:52,039
# The world will always welcome lovers
492
00:28:53,327 --> 00:29:01,439
# As time goes by #
39013
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