All language subtitles for American Princess s01e08_English

Previously on
"American Princess"...

Tell me it's not over.I really don't know.

What if we brought in
more money here?

There are zip lines,
water orbs, petting zoos.

No.Why don't we have a vote?

The people have spoken.

I will plague.

Them.

All!

There's so many letters.

What if she's in, like,
real-world trouble?

I have to help her.

Helen: Amanda Klein!

You owe me
a million dollars.

Amanda:
Eat bench, you lunatic!

-Oh!
-Whoa!

I cut off my ear lobe.

You.

When will it be enough
for you, huh?

It's too late to stop anything
after all you started.

Maggie, I --

And now I'm just
an evil old queen

with nothing
to show for it.

Good thing Lil Boy

wasn't here
to interrupt us this time.

Lil Boy!

My parents want custody
of Lil Boy.

But I'm so scared.

I think I know somebody
who can help.

Brett?

It's me.

[ Melissa Manchester's
"Don't Cry Out Loud" playing ]

Baby cried the day
the circus came to town

'Cause she didn't want parades
just passin' by her

So she painted on a smile
and took up with some clown

While she danced
without a net upon the wire

I know a lot about 'er
'cause, you see

Baby is an awful lot like me

Don't cry out loud

Just keep it inside

And learn how to hide
your feelings

Fly high and proud

And if you should fall

Your mime work is astonishing. Remember you almost

Do you do quinceañeras, too? Had it all

You don't feel
a smidge better

after body-slamming Amanda
in the mud?

Are you really going
to give nothing?

I've given everything.

It's time
I put myself first.

I'm spent.
You're up.

[ Clears throat ]

Look what I have.

Oh, show me, show me.

Here I have
a pilot's thumb,

wreck'd as homeward
he did come.

[ Growls ]

I'm a witch.

[ Lisping ]
I'm a monster.

Oh, oh. And this'll be good
for your shoulder.

It's like Icy Hot,
but not.

And these are
for the pain.

I was gonna take 'em
for my ear,

but I ate some weed gummies
this morning,

and they seem
to be doing the trick.

What is wrong with you?

You attacked me with
a melon baller yesterday.

Well, technically,
I didn't attack you.

-I only tried to.
-Keep talking.

This'll be great
for the restraining order.

Amanda, I'm sorry.
For everything.

I know this seems
out of the blue,

but when I saw my ear
profusely bleeding,

I had an epiphany that I should
make better life choices.

[ Gasps ]
You think?

I said
we were square before.

This time, I mean it.

Swell.

Well, go be square
over there.

Okay.

Aah!
A little warning, please.

What's this?

Message from Lee.

Open it.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hi.

Hi.

I didn't realize
you were coming up.

Delilah and I could have
met you at the courthouse.

I prefer to meet my clients
beforehand.

And I always liked
driving up here

when we were planning our we--
Sorry.

Accidental bringing up
of awkward memory.

My therapist says to acknowledge
stupid things I say

so that they'll feel heard
and then leave my head.

"Hi, stupid thing. Bye, stupid
thing. I hate you forever."

Yes, I'd love for you
to show me around.

That's Bonnie.
People say she takes a soul

for every item she sells,
which is hilarious.

She's so nice.

-That's Stick.
-Stick.

-He only says "stick."
-Stick!

He can talk. But he doesn't.
It's a whole thing.

So open up those purses
and wallets, folks!

That's our last show of the day,
so don't give us the shaft!

[ Gasps ]
Unless it's his.

[ Laughs ]

My place is right
around the corner.

Yeah, you can enter through
the front door or the back!

She seems fun.

Are you kidding?
Delilah's the best person here.

That's Delilah?

Hi!
Is this my Gloria Allred?

-Nice to meet you.
-You, too.

-Great show.
-Thank you!

You missed this one part where
I nuzzled this old lady's neck.

I think her sunscreen
got me high.

Awesome.

-We should go talk.
-Mm-hmm.

O0 C1I'm not gwas a bad move.ignoring
It makes you look irresponsible.

I didn't think my parents
would take it this far.

My dad has a metal hip.
My mom plays bingo

twice a day, every day.

Why on earth would they want
to raise another child?

I understand.

Why don't we talk
character references?

We need people
who can vouch for you.Oh!

Well, people who have known you
for a long time.

There's Lulu, obviously,

and, um, the guys --

David, Stick, and Shart.

Shart?

Like a shit and a fart?

Yes. He was christened
back in 1565.

He -- He went to break wind,
and then...

something else
happened instead.

We all have a back story.

Stick it is.

And who's David?

He's a guy,
who...works here.

We know tons of guys
that work here,

because there -- there are g--
Guys work here.

Look.
There's another one now.

Oh, Brian!
He'd be good, too.

We've known each other
since, what?

I don't like
to date myself,

so let's say yesterday.
What is this for?

My lawyer would like me to have
character witnesses in court.

No. My parents went through
an ugly divorce,

so courtrooms
are terrifying.

Just the name
"Mariska Har-Hargitay"

makes me break out into hives.
[ Breathes shakily ]

But I will help in
any other conceivable way.

Great. We need to keep Lil Boy
close to the courthouse

in case the judge
wants to talk to him.

You can watch him.

You mean babysit?

Please, Brian?

We need all the help
we can get.

[ Door opens ]

Brett, Helen.

Helen, Brett.

Ohh, sorry.

Sometimes
I forget things.

Oh, I just got it, too.

Great! Now that
we're all caught up,

Helen, do you mind?

I came for chips. I'm not here
to start drama anymore.

I told you.
I turned over a new leaf.

[ Clears throat ]
Helen,

if you want to lend
your assistance...

-She doesn't.
-...it seems like Brian

could use
an extra set of hands.

He couldn't.

Please?

The court is giving me a chance
to prove myself.

She deserves one, too.

Besides, you said yourself
we need all the help we can get.

And having more
of my people there

will make me feel
less nervous.

Lil Boy, too.

So I'm babysitting a feral child
and a feral woman.

-Fantastic.
-I'm really good with kids.

Before my niece
burned down her house,

we were always together.
I basically raised her.

Oh, I-I should
get going, too.

I'll meet you early on Thursday
to go over the final details.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

A-And not that
I don't love...this,

But you should probably dress
in something less...this.

And drier.
And maybe wear a bra?

Yeah.

Can I borrow one of yours?

Thanks again for coming.

I know this place
is a little much.

Eh, I kind of get it.

There's trees, beer on tap.

This mask I got from Bonnie
was totally worth my soul,

which, let's be honest,
needed replacing anyway.

[ Chuckles ]

-Delilah needs to win.
-I know.

No, I'm serious.
When I came here,

she was the one
who scraped me off the floor.

I owe her everything.
We have to help her.

Don't worry. I'm gonna lawyer
the shit out of this one.

-Hey.
-Hey!

That is Delilah's lawyer.

He came here
because he's her lawyer.

Uh, okay.

How and what
are you doing?

Checking on you. Haven't
seen you since last night.

Kind of left me hanging
in the shower.

I know. I'm so sorry.
I ran back to the loft,

and I found Delilah, and
she told me all about Lil Boy.

Oh, Lil Boy. Yeah, I heard.
They all right?

He's gonna be. The lawyer --
He's a friend from the city.

We barely talk anymore --

He's gonna take care of it.

Oh. Cool.

Cool.

The good news about showers

is that we can start
another one at any time.

We don't want
to waste water.

It's insensitive
to the people in Laos.

[ Chuckles ]
What's going on with you?

I think
that we should cool it.

Why?

Because you have
a girlfriend. Callie.

Who's thin and naps
on tree branches.

Right.
I'm -- I'm familiar.

I don't want to be
the other woman.

I know the kind of pain
that causes,

-some days more than others.
-I get it.

Uh, you don't
have to explain.

I don't want to be
a jerk, either.

Cool.

Cool.

See you in court.

Uh-huh.

I'm a disaster today.

[ Car horns honking, blaring ]

[ Sighs ]
Okay.

Um, excuse me, uh...
Dimitry.

C-- Uh, can you
change a fifty?

You no pay with card?

Oh! [ Laughs ]
Of course!

[ Sighs ]

I haven't been in the city
in a long time.

[ Upbeat Russian
pop music playing ]

Right. Okay. Bye.

Good afternoon.

I'm here
to see Myron Shapiro.

Great.
Do you have an appointment?

-No.
-Ah, it doesn't matter.

-He's dead.
-[ Gasps ]

No!
No, no, no.

Poor Myron.

Oh.
Was it...cocaine?

No. It was time.
He was 92.

Oh.
Oh, and his...lover?

Wife.
She's dead, too.

Who are you?

Maggie Chainey.
[ Chuckles ]

I was one of his clients
in the late '80s.

It appears I may have misjudged
his personal life.

But things were crazy then.
[ Chuckles ]

Uh, who are you?

Ah.
Sanjeep Farooqui-McMahon.

Pleased to meet you.

I was his assistant.

After he passed,
we kept waiting

for someone
to claim the business,

but his family
actively pushed it on me,

-so here I am.
-Oh.

So what have you been doing
this whole time?

Oh, this, that.

Some Shakespeare
at the...park.

Well, hey, if you want
back on the roster,

I can find you something.

I have access to all
the breakdowns for today.

Oh, no. Don't do that.
I-I shouldn't have even come by.

Oh, why not?
I need people like you.

All my girls are either
super ethnic or very young,

and you are neither
of those things.

Um...thank you.

Aha. A musical based
on the show "Hoarders."

It's called
"Hoarders: The Musical."

Oh. Well, that does
sound layered.

Come on, Maggie Chainey.

I know we just met,
but you got to believe

you came here for a reason.

[ Fanfare plays on cellphone]

-I'm in.
-That's the spirit!

I might have some sex appeal
left in my bag of tricks.

You know, I was once called
"the next Tawny Kitaen."

I have no idea who that is.

But the part
you're going out for

is "Sad Woman
Trapped Behind Wall."

Great.

O0 C1the odds of being killed
asby falling debrise,

are actually 1 in 5 billion.

So it's probably
not gonna happen.

Although, if it does,
it's just proof

that you're really special.

Oh, David! Can you run this
over to Delilah?

-Mm, what is it?
-Beauty stuff.

Oh, and tell her the curling
iron needs to be set to "6,"

or it'll burn her scalp,

unless she uses
the pearler wand extension

and holds down the clamp,

in which case,
it can go up to "9."

I'm not qualified
to relay this information.

Fine. Then, uh, just
watch the class for me.

Okay, everyone,
behave for Mr. David.

-Thank you. Thanks so much.
-No. No, no, no, no, no.

-You got it.
-Uh, kids are --

David: So...

We were talking
about astronomy.

Oh, okay.
Well, Scorpios are bad.

They'll key your car.

Leos are meh.

Cancers are what they
sound like --

That's astrology.

I know.
They're related.

Uh, planets and stars

and, uh, how people behave

in relationships that may
or may not last forever.

-Are you drunk?
-He's high.

No, that looks like
pills to me.

No, kids.
I'm not rolling.

I'm distracted, all right?

Astrology was sort of --

issort of
my girlfriend's thing.

I mean, I say "girlfriend"
'cause it's not like

we're gonna be eloping
to Jamaica any time soon.

I wouldn't go there, actually.

They're not very friendly
to gay people.

Not that I am,
but I have friends who are,

uh, and my girlfriend does,
too -- Or not my girlfriend,

'cause, I mean, who says
that we're gonna make it past,

say, tomorrow even?

I smell drama.

Spill it.

It says here that you do

a "washer wench" show
at the faire.

What does that mean?

Ah, that's simple,
Your Honor.

Me and my gal
get the crowd sopping wet,

then we give everyone
a happy ending...

[Chuckles]
especially the married folks.

"My scene partner and I
put on a play

based on
Elizabethan culture

that's not only
entertaining

but family-friendly,
as well."

Ooh.

I should write that
on my hand.

My turn.
[ Clears throat ]

Um, your son
is home-schooled.

What sort of things
does he learn?

Life skills,
like how to swing an ax

or how to make soup
from ketchup packets.

Oh -- and he can identify
counterfeit money

on smell alone.

Come on and strike ya pose

Slut. Ohh oh ohh

Okay.

Go head and strike ya pose

We love it, though.

Ohh oh ohh

Clown. Sing along

I got my hair str8 done
and my nails done 2

Witch. Got that fly fit on

Y'all know what I came 2 do

Strike my pose,
I'm so red carpet

Strike my pose,
I'm so red carpet

I look like a villain
on "The View!"

Look at my toes,
I'm so red carpet

It's the one.
It feels good.

I forgot
my steamer at home.

So I'm just gonna
do it in the closet,

-get a sauna going.
-Ah!

Oh.

-Lulu, thank you.
-I love ya, honey.

Bye.

Hey.

Thank you for doing this.

I know calling Brett
wasn't easy for you.

I'm fine.
Yeah.

Yeah, no, no, no.
I'm focusing on you.

Besides, seeing Brett,
like, in person

was, like,
not even a big deal.

You're blinking
like a junkie.

I'm falling apart!

I'm hiding David from Brett
and Brett from David,

and I don't know why.

Oh.

You're confused, honey.

Because you have feelings
for both of them.

I do not have feelings
for Brett.

[ Laughs ]

Fine.

But for the record,

he's not all that bad.
I mean,

the way you were talking about
him, I thought he would come in

with gnashing teeth
and his penis-a-swingin'.

He has a lot
of great qualities, obviously.

I was gonna marry him.

But he cheated.

I don't think
I could ever forgive that.

Or at least
I'm not supposed to.

If you did everything
you were supposed to do,

you would never
have come here.

And I would never have come here
if he hadn't have cheated.

I'm not pushing you
in any sort of direction.

But if I was, I'd be pushing
in the direction towards David.

-Yes, David.
-Mm.

Mysterious, charming,
everybody-loves-David.

You like him.

I also like bagels
and candles, too.

Okay, fine.
I like him a...lot.

[ Laughs ]

But my mind shuts down
pretty quickly

because he has
a girlfriend.

David:
If you want to call her that.

We're only together
the 10 weeks of this faire.

Never met
each other's families.

Then again, those 10 weeks
are pretty great.

We respect each other.
We get along.

Of course you do.
She 5'10" and ready to mingle.

-Ew.
-Ew.

She's not a bad person.

-She's just --
-Not Amanda.

Maybe I want more.

Like a certain
pint-sized Jewess?

Amanda's normal-sized.

So it isAmanda.

I mean, yeah.

It's Amanda.

She's come a long way.
When she got here,

she was this precious
Manhattanite

who couldn't complete a task
without the help of an app.

Now she's out there
promoting the faire.

She's getting her hands dirty.

I think we can all agree,

you need
to break up with Callie

and clear the way for Amanda,
who has many positive qualities

that are probably
compatible with yours.

-Mm-hmm.
-I'm gonna do it!

Thanks, guys.

This was so
embarrassing.

Mm. Great. Let us know
how it goes. And bring tissues.

Oh, Callie doesn't emote.
There will be no tears.

Oh, there's gonna
be something.

You can't
break up with a girl

and expect there
to be no reaction.

In fact, it's even scarier
if she doesn'tcry.

It's the quiet ones who kill.

O0 C1[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh.
[ Clears throat ]

I'm here.

Listen up, people!

I got a roast in the oven
and a twink in my bed.

I do not have time for mistakes
or questions.

Does anyone have any questions?

We're learning already.

Group one, up.

My name is Azul.

I am the creative director
of this show.

This is the dancing round.

If you make it past today,
you come back tomorrow

for singing and acting.

If you don't make it,
I'm sorry,

you'll never be
a triple threat.

Just real quick, uh,
is there any idea

when we'd start tomorrow?
I have tickets

to the Breast Exhibit
at the Whitney,

and I'd really hate to miss it
if I don't --

Who are you?

Maggie.

Chainey.

From here?

Oklahoma.

Muskogee.

Maggie from Muskogee,

it's awfully presumptuous of you

to assume you'll be
coming back tomorrow.

So many things could happen --
a knee could buckle.

One of these girls could slip
a banana peel under your hoof.

I'm not worried.

I plan on dazzling you.

Good. Because your question
that I asked you not to ask

is making me itch
to cut you.

But I'm sure you'll do fine.
Have fun!

Here's the routine.
I would do the steps myself,

but, uh, I tore my meniscus
at a foam party.

Go.

A-five, 6, 7, 8.

Grab on, what I got is fire

Right here, I got more
than enough to go round

Don't fight,
head over desire

Can I tell you a secret? You gone get it, baby,
if you want it tonight

You're awful. Bye. Knockin' on my backdoor
beggin' for more

Oh, love you. I can make it rain,
do you want it to pour?

Ugh. Hate your teeth. Ugh. Tell me what you like,
I'll settle the score

Can you handle it?
Can you handle it?

Knockin' on my backdoor
beggin' for more

I can make it rain,
do you want it to pour?

Tell me what you like,
I'll settle the score

Consider me dazzled. Can you handle it?

Baby, can you handle it?

You can see me in the back
if you want it

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Callie, we need to talk.

Um, I haven't showered,
but okay.

No, no, no, no!
I-I mean with sentences.

Um...

Callie, you and I
have had a lot of fun.

But as my dad used to say

when he dragged us out
of Six Flags three hours early

so that we could beat
the traffic, "Fun ends."

Um...

I want to break up.

Oh, I didn't realize
we were together.

What?

Like, I didn't realize
we were together.

No, no, no. I mean,
I heard you the first time.

But -- But what? Uh, you're
my 10-week girlfriend.

-We're open.
-Yeah, after the faire.

Duringthe faire.

Does that mean you've been,
like, sleeping

with other people
this whole time?

No!
[ Chuckles ]

On Tuesdays, I rest.

Bu-- Who?

Um, Cyril,
Stephen, Areola.

Ooh, the guy who fixed
your sink last week.

Dino...
Dennis...

-DeAndre?
-DeAndre.

And his assistant.

I tipped them both.

They earned it.

Oh, I'm sorry, David.

I thought we had
an understanding.

But I want you to know
that I hear you.

We are no longer
in a relationship.

I'll come by later
and get my thongs.

I tipped them both.

"I know this is garbage,
but don't call it trash.

It's a dryer sheet.

It means something to me."

[ Muttering ] Dryer sheet.
It means something.

[ Siren wailing in distance ]

[ Piano music playing ]

Here's a lid without a pot
that I'm sure must be around

Here's a doll with one leg

That used to make
a crying sound

Here's a map of Des Moines

I might go to Iowa

Here's a cap and a coin
and a ball and a bra

And a plant and a pig
and a sock and a saw

I might need this

I might need this

I might need this

I might need this

Man: [ Muffled ]
Please, shut up!

That is not lint.

Oh, God.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Okay.

The next time you see me,
our problems will be behind us.

-Promise?
-Cross my heart

and hope to ascend to the moon
with the goddess Hecate.

Listen to Brian and Helen!

I will.

Lil Boy, get back here!

I hope this playground
has a bar.

Brian and Helen
will take great care of him.I don't know.

Wow.
Nice upgrade.

You look...awesome.

-[ Chuckles ]
-You, too.

Nice to see you
again, Delilah.

You look like a harlot.

And you look like a doily
made love to a grape.

That's no way to talk
to your mother.

-[ Scoffs ]
-It didn't have to come to this.

You took it here, Daddy.

[ Scoffs ]
I hope you prayed.

Of course we did.

So what is she --

Sit down.

Helen:
Okay, okay, okay.

W-Watch.

No, no. Little slower.

Okay.
[ Stammering ]

Take it -- Take -- Oh, God!

Watch how you land!
You'll bite your tongue,

and it will hurt.
Trust me.

A little help here?

He's fine.
He's 8.

His bones
are still rubbery.

He needs positive reinforcement,
especially at this critical age

where he's lacking
a strong male role model.

Where is all this
coming from?

Are you still trying to be
your best self?

Yes!
Nobody believes me.

Helen, we're babysitting.
It's not that big of a deal.

So you're just gonna sit there
and do nothing?

If by "nothing" you mean dive
into chapter five and experience

the wonder that is
this woman's career, then yes.

Kelly: I don't know
if Peyton should do jazz.

It cuts into her soccer
and ukulele.

Same with Miles.
He wants to do tennis, but how?

Is he going to give up
gardening? Calligraphy?

If you hold a carrot
in your teeth,

Lil Boy can slice it
with a whip.

Uh, Maggie Chainey?

Okay.

Azul: Maggie from Muskogee,
we meet again.

Nice to see you.

All of you.

We're going to start
with the dead-cat monologue

and then move on
to "I Might Need This."

Any questions?

"The first time
I saved a pizza box,

I knew something was wrong.

I told myself that
it looked nice on the table,

as a sort of
shabby-chic centerpiece.

But when 1 box became 2

and 2 became 10,

they started to block
the view outside my window.

I could no longer see
the mailbox or the neighbors,

not even the top
of my magnolia tree.

And I realized that I was

suddenly, completely
fine with that.

As several days passed,
I realized

I hadn't seen Snowball anywhere,
so I started looking and --"

Thank you.

Charlie:
Tamara Duffy?

Thank you.

O0 C1that you have professional
Ms. Qurepresentationto see

with Shumer, Stoecker & Denber,
ah, no less.

Counselor?

Yes, Your Honor.

As you can see from
the psychological evaluation,

the therapist deemed Lil --
uh, the child --

as healthy and happy.

The faire, while unconventional,
provides a natural environment

that fosters outdoor play,
creativity, and, frankly,

an escape from the addictive

technological trappings
of the world.

Oh, you don't have to tell me,
counselor.

My nephew shoots hookers
on a video game

and texts me acronyms
I don't understand.

I am all for
kids climbing in trees.

Okay, let's get this show
on the road.

I got a wedge salad
waiting for me.

Okay.

Everyone in the faire
looks out for each other,

so the bonds
are a lot like family.

Are you married,
Mr. Poland?

No. A-And I'm not
in a relationship.

I'm free
to do whatever I want

with whoeverI want.

Does that mean
you're a gigolo?

What?!

[ Laughing ]

You -- Oh.
Th-That was a question.

Um...

No.

-It's our turn now.
-And you're doing it wrong.

He's thinking
outside the box.

What's wrong
with your mouth?

God punished me
for eating kids.

[ Slurping ][ Kids shrieking ]

[ Chuckles ]

As a person with diabetes,

I-I feel very safe
on the faire circuit.

There's almost always
a public clinic nearby,

and the wait times
aren't that long.

I'm on a first-tier
insurance plan.

Our students are very well-read.

Plus, they share a computer,

so they're
technically proficient.

Our school has a lab.

30 computers.

And none of them get porn.

So "Lil Boy" is his name?

Like my lawyer said,
the faire is a creative place.

He'll choose his name
when he's ready.

Your Honor, if I may.

Of course, Mr. Carpet.
Please proceed.

The child wasgiven a name,
at birth,

by someone who deeply cared.

[ Doors open ]

This is Zeb Abner,

Zeb Jr.'s father.

That is not his name!

-Objection!
-Order. And overruled.

This stunt better have a point,
Mr. Carpet.

Zeb has maintained a
relationship with Art and Alma,

so that he would be present
in the child's life.

He also has
a two-bedroom apartment,

a vehicle, and a job
with benefits.

I'm a manager
at Pizza Palace.

They let me place
the sauce orders, so...

[ Whispering ]
Great.

That toilet was nice.

It flushed by itself.

My niece says that's
how they are in prison.

Excuse me,
did you tell my Peyton

that you were
going to eat her?

-No.
-She did. She's lying.

What's going on?We don't want to cause
any trouble,

but you need
to control your wife.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, honey,

you of all people
should know -- No.

We're friends.
He's not even our kid.

Whatever. I think
it would be best if you left.

You're scaring the children, and
your lisp is giving me spittle.

Let's go, Helen.
They're not worth it.

No. I told Delilah I was gonna
watch Lil Boy in this park,

and I am not leaving
until she comes out.

Then I will be forced
to call a policeman

and tell him
that you threatened my child.

-I didn't.
-Who's he gonna believe --

the PTA Treasurer...

or a freak?

Come on, Lil Boy.

Her name is Helen.

She's working on herself.

Which is more
than I can say for you.

You don't know us.

Oh, but I do.

In the words of Henry IV,

"I wish I had enough breath to
tell you all the things you are.

You elfskin,

you bull's pizzle,

you stockfish,

you tailor's-yard,
you sheath,

you bowcase..."

You bitch.

"Bowcase."

[ Chuckling ]
Nice.

Counselor, if that's
all you have...

Then I'll issue
my ruling.

[ Whispering ]
Brett.

Wait.

I'd like to speak.

I've only known Delilah --
Ms. Quaid -- for six weeks,

but as the only person here
that lives with her,

I can provide insight
into her relationship

with her child,
Your Honor.

Spit it out, Marcia Clark.

Hi. Uh,
my name is Amanda Klein.

Um, I'm a single bartender
with no children.

I left the comfort
of a Manhattan loft

to live with this woman
and her son

and a possum named Rat Cat,
who is a terrible listener

and not much of
a cuddle bug.

So...

However...

I wouldn't trade a single
rickety slat in our floor

to step foot on the marble tile
that I used to,

because living with her
has taught me

what unconditional love means,

whether it's
towards strangers -- me --

her friends -- them --
or her son,

who is the happiest,
sweetest little boy

I've ever met.

Yes, his name is Lil Boy.

We know what the world thinks
of us rennies.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

That we're weirdos.

Freaks.

That we're all
running from the past

while trying to escape
the present

that we see in the mirror.

And maybe that's true.

And if so,
isn't it better to face that

with a community
of people who care,

who would give you the shirt
off their back,

especially if it's a size
too small?

[ All chuckle ]

Delilah Quaid is not
a great person.

She's an exceptional one.

And in six weeks,
she's shown me more humanity

than people I've known
my whole life.

Thank you.

All right, it's been a long day,
so I'll make this brief,

unlike you, Ms. Klein.
You talked so long,

I saw my afterlife
flash before my eyes.

However,

I was overwhelmed by the content
of your testimony.

You showed me a rich tapestry
of people

who add value to your life

and to your child's life,
as well.

Unfortunately,
children need stable,

comfortable environments
where they can thrive.

On the other hand, you can't
just walk into a kid's life

and expect a relationship
out of the blue.

Therefore, I am awarding
sole legal custody

to Delilah Quaid...

-Ahh!
-Yes!

...with joint physical custody

to be shared
with Art and Alma Quaid,

the schedule to be determined
by a mediator at a later date.

Good luck and get out.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Why?!
[ Sobbing ]

Delilah, You won.

-I did?
-[ Laughing ] Yes!

You just have to sort out a few
visitations here and there.

Thank you for having my back.

It was better
than me murdering them.

Like Delilah said,
you deserve a second chance.

And for the record,

I wanted to kill
all those people, too.

I have a knife
in my backpack.

I'm glad you're working
on yourself, dear.

Ahh! We won!
[ Laughing ]

For hopefully most weekends
out of the year!

-I'm confused.
-So is she, honey.

[ Crying ]

I can't believe
that happened.

Neither can I.
We owe that judge a wedge salad.

Thank you.

Thank you.
I got to see your face

and understand why you stayed
at the faire.

You got these people
in exchange for us assholes.

I would have done
the same thing.

-Brett, it's okay, I --
-No.

What I did is not okay.

And for the rest of my life,
I'll live with that.

You don't have to
anymore.

I-If you ever
do come back --

for a weekend, for good --

I'm there. Always.

Yeah, Lil Boy's
my best friend now.

Can't believe Small Balls
pulled it off.

-Who?
-Small Balls.

You know, Amanda's ex. I mean,
how else could Delilah get him?

[ Sighs ]

We did it!

[ Women shriek, laugh ]

-Love your aunties.
-Okay.

O0 C1I've never appreciated
your foyer.

Trespasser.

Where were you?

Uh, funeral.

Uncle Myron.

My condolences.
How was it?

Beautiful.

I sang "Ave Maria."

Aunt Candy wept.

Okay, I'm lying.

It's not your forte.

I went to the city.

Auditioned for a musical.

Save your gasp.

I didn't get it.

Oh.

Screw them.

No.

It is what it is.

It's why we're here.

-Where?
-The faire.

You think you'd be here
if you had gotten that role

on "Law and Order, SUV"?

I was an exquisite
murder victim.

I blame Mariska Hargitay.
[ Grunts ]

Well, whatever the reason,
you didn't book it.

And you didn't forge
a stage career in London.

You came here.

So did I.

You could go out there
again, Maggie.

No.

I don't have the heart
for the rejection.

Maybe in my earlier days,
but...

I'll be okay.

I'd rather be the big fish
in a small pond

than a small fish
in the Arctic Sea.

It's rising, you know.

Climate change
is terrible.

Oh, awful.

[ Sighs ]

I'm glad you're back.

What did I miss?

A lot.

First of all,
Amanda's ex is cute,

in a shirtless selfie
sort of way.

That makes sense.

Did she claw
his eyes out?

-They hugged.
-Oh, God.

Give me something better.

Mm, Delilah's parents
are tacky hicks,

Helen is sort of a person now...Mm.

...and David broke up
with Callie.

Oh, I didn't realize
they were together.

Yeah. Actually,
neither did I.

-Mm.
-Huh.

-Ha-ha!
-Mm.

Jinx.
Buy me a Coke.

Did you know
you could pay your cabbie

-with a credit card?
-What?

-Yes.
-You have a credit card?

I have two of them.
You just swipe it down the back.

O0 Here's a cap and a coin
and a ball and a bra

And a plant and a pig
and a sock and a saw

I might need this

I might need this

I might need this