Original subtitles

Una Boda Real ... y con austeridad, Gran Breta�a

alcanza un a�orado glamour mientras se completan los preparativos.

Hay un escal�n, madre.

- No dijiste que hab�a un escal�n. - Lo hab�a.

Para una joven feliz pareja, 1947 ser� un a�o a recordar.

La torta de bodas oficial que se ve aqu� expuesta

representa escenas de la vida de la pareja real.

La "Gu�a para las j�venes" australiana provey� los ingredientes.

Caras severas en Downing Street esta semana,

y mientras la crisis energ�tica de la naci�n contin�a,

el Gobierno anuncia nuevos recortes en la raci�n de tocino.

Vuestra raci�n semanal de tocino sol�a verse as�...

ahora se ver� as�.

Otro golpe para las sufridas amas de casa brit�nicas.

�sta es la raci�n semanal para una persona...

escasa para engordar, pero al menos en Inglaterra alcanza para todos.

En Francia, con comercios sin alimentos, el mercado negro florece.

Esta linda se�orita parece ir por un viaje en bicicleta.

Pero �por qu� la valija? �Cuidado con el nylon en el barro!

Trae aqu� tocino para alguien. �Aqu� es donde la valija interviene!

La se�orita consigue su tocino en el mercado negro.

�Bien hecho, esc�ndalo! No queremos saberlo. �Es un sucio asunto!

En Francia, de cualquier forma, el dinero habla.

�Vamos, madre! Si�ntate en tu asiento.

- �D�nde? - �Vamos! Estoy subiendo.

�Oh, madre!

Otra vez, Veronica!

Da capo!

Madre, �est�s comiendo?

Hoar, Appleyard, Long, Coddington, Jezzard, Ibbotson, Starkey, Mrs R. Jack Palmer.

Usted es m�s joven de lo que esperaba... sin embargo...

Mrs. Lockwood dice que es una nueva mujer.

�Tiene un peri�dico, Mrs. Allardyce? �sta es una buena alfombra.

Comprada en Halifax. �Por supuesto lo es!

- El diario, Henry. - �Es el de hoy!

�Y?

- Dickinson... - Dickinson.

Esto... le dar�... algo de apoyo a su pantorrilla.

Ahora...

Mi viejo hombrecito muri�.

Sol�a decir que un pie le dec�a m�s que una cara.

Bien, tiene muchas durezas... y esto es un saba��n.

�Est� mucho tiempo de pie?

Mi marido es contador. Es una funci�n tras otra.

Brierley.

Se debe ser algo selectivo, Henry. Su hija fue una novia GI.

Para ser justo, embarazada de seis meses cuando la examin�.

Era una maestra de escuela de s�bados.

El estado de sus partes �ntimas hablan de una historia diferente.

�Henry, esto es la realeza! Es una pareja pura y no contaminada.

�Goldman?

- No en mi lista. - �Ellos est�n muy bien!

Fuera de cualquier otra cosa, Henry, piensa en qu� tendremos para comer.

- �Ahora no, Ver�nica! - �Ella debe practicar alguna vez!

Nylons. Henry los consigue. Un cliente agradecido.

Malos para los pies.

Buenos para la moral.

Creo que dejamos algunas u�as en la alfombra.

S�, con perd�n, es algo precario, eh...

pronto tendr� mi propio consultorio. Tengo un local en Parade.

�Oh, en Parade!

Y usted se ha casado con la profesora de piano de Ver�nica.

S�, as� es.

Usted no usa anillo.

No, peque�os trozos de piel y caspa tienden a acumularse debajo.

Todav�a un largo camino con los invitados.

�Tenemos algo gustoso para servir al Dr. Swaby de cena...?

ya sabes c�mo es.

�Bife?

�No estar�s comiendo eso?

�Son de mazapan! No te gusta el mazapan.

�Odio a Mrs. Chilvers!

�No, no es as�! ��ste es Mr. Chilvers!

- �Ni�os! �No tienen ninguno? - No.

�Muy sabio!

�Hola!... �Hola!... �Hola!

Gracias.

Es angustioso en estos d�as, la carnicer�a.

Uno con diez peniques la raci�n de carne, �qu� puede hacer con eso?

Su est�mago est� al filo de un cuchillo...

y �l es el �nico que es honrado.

Hay otros dos carniceros y ambos est�n en negocios turbios.

�l llega de noche, se sienta en esa mesa y su cara est� gris.

Usted tiene un bonito cabello.

�Gestapo!

�Sangre y arena!

�Abajo no, tonta! �Ll�vala arriba!

- �Usted! �Abra esta puerta! - No puedo, soy el pod�logo.

Es la polic�a. Abra esta puerta.

Es una cerradura extra�a.

�Hay alguien en la puerta?

Un momento.

- �Arriba! - Vivimos arriba. El comercio es aqu�.

�Arriba!

Disculpe. �sta es mi casa.

- �Estoy en el ba�o! - Puedo esperar.

- �Qu� pas� con el tel�fono? - �l es una ley en s� mismo.

�Padre!

No lo haga excitar. Tiene problema con su vejiga.

- No est� all�. - Vamos afuera.

�Oh, querido...! �Oh, querido...! �Oh, querido...!

Ponte algo debajo de eso.

La grasa ir� sobre tu uniforme. Tu madre se pondr� loca.

- Mrs. Metcalf... - �Que?

- �Quiere esa banana? - S�, cari�o. Planeo una fiestita.

- Tu madre siente fr�o, Dorcas. - No me sorprende. Muri� en 1937.

�Puede manejar esto?

�Oops, vea!

�Abajo!

�Un cerdo! �En la cama!

Necesitan azotes.

Nunca vimos algo igual.

�Cu�ndo tuvimos cerdo por �ltima vez? Y no estaba limpio.

V� un gato en el mostrador.

�Qu� piensas?

Supongo que ahora deber� buscar por otro carnicero.

�L�valo! Probablemente est� mugriento.

�De qu� fue esa reuni�n?

Sobre una cena que organizan para la boda real.

- No necesito preguntar si estamos invitados. - Es una asociaci�n privada.

De todos modos, nosotros no queremos ir a cenas.

- �Para qu� queremos ir a cenas? - �Para conocer gente, para eso!

�De qu� otra forma podr�s conseguir una mejora?

- �Est� goteando, Gilbert, est� goteando! -�Tom� mi t�?

Come algo de turr�n, amor.

- Ella comi� otra vez mis sandwiches hoy. - �Ella?, Gilbert, "�ella?"

"Ella", como la llamas, te teji� un hermoso pasamonta�as, �pero no hablamos de eso!

�No tiene la abertura para mi boca!

T� no me das mis raciones. �l tiene mis raciones.

- Ellos tienen bife de cena. - �Bife!

��l va a pintar el cerdo!

No podemos hacer eso, Mr Wormold. Usted ha hecho suficiente para un d�a.

No, �sta es la parte que disfruto.

- "No apto para consumo humano". - �Por qu�?

�Qui�n lo mat�... y d�nde?

Me gustaba pintar de joven.

Mi madre quer�a que fuese artista.

- �Qu� desperdicio! - No, no.

No, nunca fui bueno.

�Otro d�a m�s? �Nada desde Kuala Lumpur?

Mrs Forbes... su informaci�n era correcta.

Le gustar� saber que fue hecho un arresto y ser�n elevados cargos.

- Estoy esperando. - Se fue hace solo un minuto.

�Qu� te dije? Lo quer�a antes de que lo pintara.

No sabes c�mo es. Es un demonio.

- �Esto es carne para perro! - Carne para perro...

- Nosotros lo iontentamos. - Lo hicimos.

�Oh, sangre y arena!

- Es carne para perro... - �Carne para perro me revienta!

Ba�o.

Lavandina.

Cepillos. �Empieza a cepillar!

Hoy vi otra verruga. Lo hicieron mal otra vez. La cortaron con hoja de afeitar.

�No traigas los pies a la mesa por favor, Gilbert!

Tienes que esperar a que crezcan. Entonces son como un pastel.

Adem�s... la u�a encarnada de Mrs. Roach parece llegar a la esquina.

Agrad�ceme con entusiasmo, dame macarrones.

�Macarrones...� �Macarrones realmente!

- Nosotros somos mejor que esto, Gilbert. - �Mejores que qu�?

�No comes tu cerdo?

Escucha, Joyce ... cuando est� en el Parade, ser� diferente.

Vendr�n en sus autos... iremos a funciones... �tendremos bifes!

No son solo los bifes, Gilbert. �Es el status!

- �C�mo est� su bife? - Muy bien.

- �M�s coles, Dr. Swaby? - No.

�Pobre Mr. Metcalf! No pens� que ir�a a prisi�n.

No me dijiste que ir�a a prisi�n.

No me importa qui�n va a prisi�n, mientras mantenga a Wormold fuera de mis espaldas.

Esto no es gracioso para m�, Douglas. Es todo injusto.

- Doris, �tienes un magn�fico "bum"! - No conozco ese t�rmino.

- Trasero, entonces. - Ese tampoco.

�Entonces qu�?

No hay una palabra que me guste.

Mi esposo nunca sinti� la necesidad de referirse a eso.

- �Alguna novedad? - Grosellas, Guyana Brit�nica.

Coco seco, Ceylan.

- �Qu� es eso? - The Empire. Qui�n env�a qu� para la torta de bodas.

�Mira,Doris! Mejilla a mejilla a mejilla.

�Oh, eres ordinario, Douglas! �Por qu� no lo aceptas?

Quisiera tener esto en mi rebanadora. Vender�a quince veces m�s.

Se r�pido. Debo llevar la cena a Mr. Wormold.

Doris, cuando lo veas, solo... desliza algo sobre Barraclough.

- �Estoy harta de hacer tus trabajos sucios, Douglas! -�Vamos!

- �Es eso verde? - S�, eso es espinaca...

usted ha comido espinaca.

- Entonces la com�. - �Le gust�?

No disfruto la comida, Mrs. Forbes. No tengo sentido del gusto, del olfato.

Tuve sarampi�n de ni�o.

- �Un poco m�s, Mr. Wormold? - No hay m�s, Mrs. Forbes.

- He comido mi raci�n. - Somos solo humanos, Mr. Wormold.

En mi experiencia, Mrs. Forbes, cuando alguien dice ser solo humano...

es porque ha hecho una bestia de s� mismo.

�Hace usted una bestia de s� misma, Mrs. Forbes?

Mi esposo se perdi� en Malaya, Mr. Wormold. Vivo la vida de una viuda.

- Sinceramente creo eso, Mrs. Forbes, lo creo. - Le traer� su postre.

�S�, Mrs. Forbes?

Estuve... hablando con una mujer... que compra su carne a Mr. Barraclough.

Dice que consigue excelente producto, solo que...

�Solo qu�, Mrs. Forbes?

Ahora, no est� siempre segura de no estar comiendo algo incluido en la dos treinta.

�Sabe lo que quiero decir?

Quiero esto fuera de la casa. �Gu�rdalo en otro lugar!

�Por qu�?

�l conf�a en m�.

Le gustar� eso. Vuelva otra vez. �El que sigue, por favor!

Afeitaban las cabezas de las mujeres por esto, en Francia.

- �Bien! Eso es. �Detenga la venta! �Dejar�n por favor el local? - �Por qu�?

�Caballo, se�oras... caballo!

- �No me importa! - �Fuera! �Todos afuera!

�A�n solo tocando eso, se�ora, es usted c�mplice!

- �Ella tiene 74 a�os! �Caballo! - �Fuera! Muchas gracias.

�Atr�s...! �Atr�s...! �Atr�s...!

�Tenemos hambre!

- �Es carne de caballo! - La comen en B�lgica.

- �No estamos en B�lgica! - �En Stalingrado comen ratas!

No hay dudas, es caballo.

��sta suele ser habitualmente gente decente!

Vamos, se�oras, afuera por favor. Hagan camino al Inspector.

Si suena el tel�fono, Dorothy, estoy viendo a un cliente.

Pens�ndolo bien...

- Mr. Chivers... - Chilvers...

- �Cree que eleg� el lugar indicado? - �Oh, s�! �Oh, s�! El mejor del pueblo.

Triste por lo de Metcalf.

Pronto ser� usted el �nico carnicero.

Todos miraremos lo que hace.

�Eh... Mr. Lockwood!

Buenos d�as, Mr. Lockwood.

- �Mi contrato est� listo para firmar? - A su debido tiempo.

- �No habr� dificultades? - S�, el tiempo. Es escaso.

No, creo que usted est� haciendo lo correcto.

Enviar� a alguien por ella ma�ana. D�gale que ir� a Bridlington.

Los jardines all� son maravillosos. Ella estar� muy feliz.

�Espere! �Dr. Swaby... Dr. Swaby!

- �Oh! - �Cuidado!

- �Oh, mi paquete! Gracias. - �Oh! �Lo lamento, Dr. Swaby, es usted!

- �Hacemos mal, Frank? - Claro que hacemos mal. Es un crimen.

Nunca he cometido un crimen antes.

Pens� que usted era contador.

Traje para ella otra nuez de jenjibre. La semana pasada baj� tan bien.

�Listos?

Tuve un peque�o contratiempo con ese nuevo pod�logo.

No s� para qu� necesitamos pod�logos...

por algo malo en sus pies, la gente puede acudir a m�.

Siempre encontrar�n una escucha emp�tica.

Hemos venido a ver a nuestro amigo.

�Quieren ser vistos viniendo aqu� juntos? Es a m� a quien encarcelar�n.

�Tonter�as, Sutcliff!

- Vine para examinar a tu buena dama. - Estoy aqu� para redactar tu testamento.

- �A qu� vino usted? - �Qu� quiere decir?

- �Qu� pasa con el papel? - Ella come papel.

- �Lo comer�a a usted! - �No-o-o!

�Betty...! �Betty...! �D�nde est� mi Betty?

�Aqu� est� mi Betty! �Hola, peque�a amiga! �S�, es tu t�o Henry!

No mucho m�s gorda desde que la hemos visto.

- Se clav� un par de piedras y se puso coja. - �Coja? �Oh querida! �Oh Betty!

- �C�mo hizo para ponerse coja? - No lo s�.

�Qu�? Deber�a saberlo, por lo que le pagamos. �Llame a un veterinario!

�A un veterinario? �Deben ser tontos! ��ste es un cerdo sin licencia!

Soluci�nelo, Sutcliff. Le pagamos bastante. �Coja!

Mira Betty, por tu pata enferma, te traje algo: �Nuez de jenjibre! S�, �nos gusta!

�S�, eso es! A ella le gusta, �no es as�? S�, est� bueno, �no es cierto?

La extra�ar� cuando llegue el momento.

Bueno, est� llegando el momento.

Vi que est� abriendo un consultorio.

No llamas a un cuarto ro�oso donde... cortas u�as, �consultorio!

- �D�nde? - En el Parade. Frank se lo alquil�.

- Es una pu�alada en la espalda. - Bueno, lo ten�a vac�o, Charles.

�Pies de mujeres, buen Dios!

- Sac�ndome el pan de la boca. - No lo pens�.

Deber�s pensarlo. Debes pensar una forma para que se vaya.

- �Por qu�? - ��l no me gusta!

�Y eso?

El tipo de los pies.

Trae esa molestia coja.

Algo de "Tinea pedis" aqu�.

"Pie de atleta".

- �Las mujeres lo tienen? - No ha por qu� preocuparse.

Escuch� que usted estaba all� cuando lleg� la Gestapo.

- �La Gestapo, Mrs. Sutcliff? - Wormold.

- Lo siento, me hizo saltar. - �Lo hiciste saltar, tonto!

�Tiene un momento?

�A�n no termin� conmigo, Bern! �Bernard!

�Demonios!

�Aqu� est� el culpable... mire!

Esto debi� dolerte... cerdo.

�Bernard!

�Bernard!... es Wormold.

- Creo que ha pisado algo. - �Carajo!

A veces, me pregunto para qu� fue la �ltima guerra.

La gente. Para eso fue, Mr. Sutcliff.

Iguales oportunidades para todos.

Condiciones del chiquero, plan de alimento, certificado de matanza.

Si encuentra un solo cerdo irregular, le dar� 100 libras.

�Si lo encuentro, le costar� m�s que eso!

�Lo he visto antes!

- �C�mo est� usted? - S�. Usted estaba all� la otra noche.

- Usted se mueve. - Trato los pies de la gente.

Quiz� deba echar un vistazo a mis pies alguna vez.

�Podr� hacerlo?

�All� vamos...! No hay descanso para los malos.

�Hey! �eso es piel? P�ngalo en el balde de los cerdos. �Exquisitez!

Si quiere guardar todas las sobras, pellejos y todo eso...

todas las contribuciones ser�n agradecidas. �Cu�nto le debemos?

- Cinco chelines. - �Hey! Ganancia r�pida. Mejor que la granja.

- �D�nde est� el jam�n? - �Oh, cuernos!

�Qu� pasa con el fuego?

�D�nde ser� hoy, madre? �Alguna preferencia?

- �D�nde qu�? - �Nuestro destino!

Pens� que podr�amos hacer un viajecito a Harrogate.

- Joyce... - �Qu�, madre?

Estamos en el garage.

Debo respirar, madre. �Debo respirar!

- �Por qu� no le pone las ruedas, Joyce? - Porque no tenemos cupones.

Gilbert no puede conseguirlo. Tengo un marido que no lo consigue.

- No hago un trabajo de importancia nacional. - Todos aprovechan. Mrs. Allardyce lo hace.

La vi ayer haci�ndose la permanente. El auto estaba afuera.

Sin duda, hacerce la permanente es de importancia nacional.

- �Qu� est�s comiendo, madre? - Galletas de crema.

- �D�nde las encontraste? - En el bolsillo de mi cardigan.

Bien, sal del auto y come. Sabes las reglas: �nada de migas en el auto!

Olvid� un poco aqu�, Joyce.

Olvidaste algo aqu�, Gilbert.

Nunca.

Puedo ver mi cara all�.

Tambi�n yo.

Preparen sus libretas de racionamiento, por favor.

- �Qu� puede hacer por m�? - �Un lindo trozo de cerdo?

- Le encontr� un ri��n. - �Qui�n es esa mujer detr�s m�o?

�Ocupado esta ma�ana! Por supuesto, ahora que los otros dos han cerrado.

�La esposa del pod�logo!

- Veronica est� haciendo grandes avances. - �Realmente?

�C�mo va "El coro del soldado"? �Mantienes curvos los dedos?

Gilbert me dijo que usted quisiera nuestros residuos para sus cerdos.

Bueno s�... si tiene algo que le sobre.

Solo no les d� nada que puedan comer ustedes.

- Lo siento, querida. Termin� todo. - �Oh, no!

Por supuesto los cerdos comer�n hojas de ruibarbo.

Aqu�, aqu�. �Es para los cerdos!

Y la otra.

"No les d� nada que puedan comer ustedes".

No quiero que piense que ponemos solo basura en el tacho.

�Podr�amos poner 1 o 2 maraschinos! Mostrar�amos que hacemos cocktails.

Pero no hacemos cocktails.

Te estoy guiando, Gilbert.

Ahora, Betty, �me extra�aste?

�C�mo est� tu pata? �Est� bien otra vez? �Est� mejor, no es as�?

Eres una campeona otra vez, �no cierto? �Qu� pasa? �Qu�? �Qu� pasa?

Ahora, nuez de jenjibre...

Olvid� darle estos a Betty. �Se pondr� triste!

Son nueces de jenjibre, y a ella le gustan. As� que, �podr�a d�rselas a ella?

No me gusta que lo vea a usted aqu�.

�Qu�? �Mierda!

- �Cree que �l se podr�a aprovechar? - �Entre!

�U�a alegre cortada en el cesped! �Bicicleteando alrededor!

�Oh, no me sonr�as, infecto desecho de juanete, peque�o tonto!

�Lo quiero fuera de ese local!

Frank lo est� alquilando, est� en la oficina

Entonces, �qu� estamos esperando, Henry?

D�jeme ver si encuentro algo bueno.

�Una pata de jam�n le sirve?

Te voy a matar, cerdo.

Y ahora quita esa sonrisa de tu cara.

�Te das cuenta de c�mo lo haces, madre? Se vuelven locos aqu�.

- �Oh, Gilbert...! - �Estamos adentro!

�Adentro d�nde?

- �Jam�n! �Nos unimos al club! - �Jam�n!

- Estamos en el circuito. �Mira! - �Jam�n? �En la calle?

Esto es solo el comienzo. Escuchen, �por qu� no festejamos?

Debo llamar al consultorio. �Ir�an al "Grand" para ordenar t�?

Le gustar�a eso, �no es cierto, madre?

�Hola!

Mire, todo esto debe quedar. No, no haga eso. Yo cerrar�.

�Ha terminado? �No ha terminado!

Debo pedirle las llaves del establecimiento.

- �Las llaves...? Tengo llaves. - Lo s�. Las quiero.

��l puso su pie en mi cap�!

Usted ha incumplido el contrato. No ha declarado el cambio de uso.

Se supone que debe declarar un cambio de uso.

�Saque su pie de mi cap�!

- Usted sab�a... �sab�a para qu� lo quer�a! - Necesita un permiso de plan.

Puede solicitar un permiso para plan.

- �A qui�n debo solicitarlo? - A m�.

�Lo ves?, aqu� es donde pertenezco, madre.

Ponme un vestido largo. Rod�ame de gente sofisticada. Yo florecer�.

Deber�as haberte casado con un ingeniero sanitario.

Pero, cuando Gilbert tenga su consulta funcionando en el Parade...

estar� en el primer plano de este pueblo.

Esto es solo el comienzo.

Jam�n, huevos... cosas bajo el mostrador... �Todo vendr�! Ya ver�s.

- �Es un trozo de cogote! - �Perd�n, se�ora!

Los clientes no pueden consumir su propio alimento en el local.

- �Qu� trae? - Parece un pie. - Eso es un pie.

�Est�s tratando deliberadamente de humillarme?

Tengo algo que te humillar� m�s.

Hemos sido expulsados del Parade.

��ste pueblo! ��sta gente! Tendr�n que ponerse de pie y darse cuenta.

Tendr�n que darse cuenta de qui�nes somos

�Mi padre ten�a una cadena de tintorer�as!

Siempre tom�bamos vino en las comidas, como bien lo sabe mi madre.

�Decirnos a nosotros qu� podemos o no podemos hacer!

Mi padre us� un clavel en el ojal todos los d�as de su vida.

Gilbert, pr�stame tres peniques.

Quiero un futuro que est� de acuerdo con mi pasado.

Solo que �cu�ndo comenzar�? Eso es lo que quiero saber.

�Estos tienen galletas de crema!

No, no, deja, madre, ven aqu�. Ella tiene 74.

"Melon surprise", "Moules Ni�oise", "Porc Royale"... �parte el coraz�n!

�Escuchen! Ya tuve suficiente.

Si quieren cerdo asado, podemos tener cerdo asado.

Podemos tenerlo el pr�ximo domingo si quieren. Y el domingo siguiente.

Y el lunes y el martes.

Pueden tener cerdo hasta quedar azules. Ser alimentados a cerdo. "Cerdo Real".

Y usted... tener tocino, jam�n, salchicha, pastel de cerdo, tripa, patas, h�gado, ri��n.

Puede ba�arse en cerdo si quiere, solo...

No le hagas caso, madre. �Quiere atormentarte!

- En serio. Podr�amos... �podemos! - �C�mo? �C�mo?

Robando un cerdo.

- �Qu� dijiste? - Nada... vay�monos.

�Veronica! V� y empieza tu pieza.

Buen trabajo. Me pondr� firme respecto a ni�os.

- �Por qu� hablar de eso? - Bueno, no tendremos lugar, �no es as�?

�Robar un cerdo!

Como si hubiera cerdos para robar. Si hubiera, los carniceros lo har�an, �no?

�Oh, ese eres t�! Palabras, promesas. T� ibas a dominar este pueblo, Gilbert.

Escucha. Esta ma�ana fui a la granja de Sutcliff...

�Da capo, Veronica! Y un poco m�s mezzo forte.

- �De qui�n es el cerdo? - De los de la granja.

�No deb� mencionarlo!

- �Es ilegal! -�No deber�a ser ilegal!

�Por qu� es ilegal? �Mercado negro de cerdos ilegal!

- De todos modos, no tenemos transporte. - �Tenemos el auto!

- �Est� fuera de uso! - �Bueno, ponlo en uso!

�Y poner un cerdo adentro?

"�Nada de migas en el auto, Gilbert! �Nada de pasteles en el asiento!"

- �Un cerdo en el auto! - Podr�a poner algo de papel debajo.

�Es una emergencia!

No, d�jalo por ahora.

�Qu� te has hecho en la cabeza? Ma�ana es d�a de trabajo.

- �Sabes c�mo hacerlo? - Bueno, lo he hecho antes.

�Y menudo l�o hiciste!

- Quiero estar ah�. - Puedes mirar.

Only it's not going to be stuck today. We'll have to wait till it gets better. Them ...

- Them rats wouldn't have upset it, would they, Preston? - No, it's had rats before.

It's what I say then. Rhubarb leaves always means the squits.

You ought to know that, Preston!

Rhubarb leaves.

- I knew it wasn't rats. - Rats! You've never been giving her rats? - No! Scraps.

- Could you not give her something, Charles? You're the doctor. - Thank you.

This is a pig! Not a person. You want a vet.

- But the principle must be the same. - How'd you know?

- Take a bit of weight, tough her. Diarrhea always does. - Now, are you the doctor now?

I am not a doctor, Charles, but my wife has two topics of conversation.

One is the Royal family, the other is her bowels.

- Why not kill it now? - No! - I'm not having this joker in my fridge a minute longer than I have to.

- I've fetched me tackle ... I'll kill it in a day or two. - Oh, the dinner is on Thursday.

All this time ... I didn't even know if I'll go!

Over here! ... Over here!

This was going to take us to Scarborough.

Scarborough! It'll take us further than Scarborough. It will take us to the top in this town!

They'll be lining up, wanting to get to know us then. Dr Swaby, Mrs Allardyce...

Oh, yes! ... And I'll give them cocktails...

And we'll nibble at those refined little sausages before going in to sumptuous meal.

It's not just pork, Gilbert, it's power!

Better get her out of the way.

Wake up, mother. It's time you were in bed. No, no, mother, no. Naughty!

Goodbye ! ... Good luck!

When did you start all this kissing?

- Gilbert! ... Gilbert! - What? - I hope it's a clean one.

Is the sweep coming?

You ought to go and see how that pig is going on, Preston.

We are going to go for a little walk, pig.

Look ...

Over here ... Yes ... Yes, pig ... Yes, pig ... Come on ... Come on, pig ... Yes! Come on ... Come on ... Come on ...

... high overtime ... I miss the war.

Go on, Preston! You reckon to be I/C (In Charge?) pig.

Preston!

It's off its paper, Gilbert! It's off its paper!

- It won't know to stay on it. - Well, fetch, fetch some more paper, then.

Oh, Gilbert, Gilbert, quick! Quick, it's doing its business!

It's a nervous pig.

- Oh! - Oh! - Oh shit!

I don't want my mother smelling it. Oh, oh! I cannot, cannot stand it.

- Oh, you have to do with it now. - What? - Kill it!

- I had a mind to do it in the kitchen. - I hadn't.

- I wanted to call it something. - Why? Why? Why, you're going to kill it, Gilbert. You're going to slit its throat.

- Couldn't you get fond of it? - I could not, messing all up and down. - Your mother does.

I didn't hear that, Gilbert.

Oh, I can't stand this! Look at the floor!

Oh, I was quite right not to want kiddies, if this is what it's like.

- Oh, kill it, Gilbert! - I've never killed anything in my life. - You should've thought about that before!

- Whose idea was it? - Yours. Who did you think was going to kill it?

- I thought I could ask somebody. - Ask somebody? Ask? This is a crime!

But what do I do it with?

- Oh, with one of your feet knives. They're precision tools. - Not for pigs.

Listen, Gilbert Chilvers!

This country has just emerged from a second world war, a war when millions of people died, most of them killed by their fellow men.

- Not with chiropodist tools. - It's not the tools, it's the will.

It's doing its business again! Oh, trust you to pick one with diarrhea!

Strange place, strange people.

You can understand it. We ought to let it settle down.

Settle down!?

Kill it!

With this?

- Joyce! - What? - Can you smell a smell? I can smell a smell?

- No, there's no smell, mother. No, you're imagining things. - I wondered if it was me. - I can't do it.

- It's him! He smells, Joyce! - He does not smell, mother. Go to bed! - He does smell, Joyce.

Oh, my God!

- That bowl was a wedding present! - Well, it's not to know that.

Another parcel in the umbrella stand.

Maybe we could put it to sleep.

Here we are! Here we are! This way! Come on. This way! Here we are. This way. Come on. Oh! Nice. Nice! Isn't that one nice. Come on.

Joyce !

- What? - I think it's gas. - No, no.

- I can smell gas. - Go to bed! - It's past your bedtime.

Mr Turnbull thought he could smell gas.

It's Mother. She turned it on and never lit it. She's getting like that.

Ah ... So long as we know. You ... You don't think it could smell something besides? I ... I don't know. A bit ... of a sickly smell.

It's mother again. She's had a bit of a do with her tummy.

- Keeps bringing stuff back. - Oh ... Bless her.

Did he go off?

- Could we poison it? - If we poison it, we can't eat it.

- I think we would have to take professional advice. - What about? Me?

- Joyce! - What? - You don't go calling Dr Swaby? He'll put me away.

- We're going to have to tell her. Come down, mother. - You just told me to go up. - No, come down, mother!

- I can still smell that smell. - Never mind, never mind the smell, mother.

Sit down! I've got something to tell you.

- Sure it's not me? - No, no, mother, love, no, it's not you.

Listen, mother, love. I've got something to tell you. We've got a pig in the house.

Do you understand, mother? A pig!

- What sort of the pig? - A pig, mother, a proper pig.

- Do you want to put me in a home? - Oh! - Shut up!

- I didn't say anything. - Dr Swaby put Mrs Beevers away.

He asked her the name of the prime minister, she didn't know and he carted her off to Low Moor.

He wants my room!

We don't want your room. Why to say there's pig in the house mean we want your room?

Leave this to me please, Gilbert. This is my mother!

It's not like Mrs Beevers, love. Mrs Beevers imagined things. That's why Dr Swaby sent her away. You don't imagine things. It's just there's a pig in the house.

It's so's if you catch a glimpse of it, you won't think you're going bananas.

- Though she is going bananas. - No, she wouldn't think she was going bananas if you pulled your socks up and slit it's throat.

- What's these bananas? I could eat a banana. - There are no bananas. There's a pig. There are no bananas. - Gilbert!

Forget the bananas, love! There aren't any bananas, but there is a pig.

- Only tell her, if anybody comes round there isn't a pig. - That's right.

But if anybody should come, no pig. With us, a pig.

- With anybody else, no pig. - Who's going to come? Is it Dr Swaby? He came to Mrs Beevers.

- No, love, nobody's going to come, Dr Swaby, nobody. But if anybody should come, no pig! - He told her she should go to Bridlington, and she ended up in Low Moor.

It was her house!

Nobody is going to send you to Low Moor, mother. Dr Swaby, nobody. We love you, Mother. We wouldn't send you away. It's just we're in this rather unusual situation where there is a pig in the house.

- Show her it! - I will not show her it! She's 74 and it's past her bedtime.

Come on, mother! Up to bed. With any luck ...

In the morning all this will seem like a bad dream.

Joyce !

- Joyce ! - Have you done it?

Betty, Betty, Betty...

- We are going to look that silly. - Silly? We're finished!

We spent a lot of money on that pig, Howard!

It's my understanding, it doesn't exist.

Well, you'll wish it existed on Thursday, when you're sitting down to a scrutty bit of lettuce and tomato.

- But why can't he slaughter one of his other pigs? - Because, clown, the other pigs are all licensed and listed! - Steady, Charles, I'm still a police officer. - But you're not behaving like one.

Then I'll sniff around. Sniff around?

It will be the other side of the Pennines by now, sold to the Jewboys in Manchester.

- Pork? - Pork, nylons, anything.

I don't know what the last war was about!

- Well, how to kill it? - That's what we want. - Does it say?

It doesn't say.

Well, you just have to improvise.

No pig, no pig.

Come on in, Veronica.

- She's 74 ... - Come in, Mr Wormold.

Your house smells!

- Our house doesn't smell. Poor people smell. - It's mother. She's getting a bit careless.

I can't smell anything. But then I can't smell anything.

German measles.

You've perfect feet. I don't know why you've come.

- Ah! - Sorry! ... Sorry. - A pig! A pig!

Don't be silly, there's no pigs here! The idea! Da capo, Veronica! Come on! Da capo!

Do you think he noticed anything?

Thought so.

There must be easier ways of getting roast pork than this.

- Take your clothes off! - What?

Strip. There'll be blood.

- Joyce! - Come on ... It's got beyond roast pork now, Gilbert, it's self-respect!

It's that we grow as people or just go on as we were with going on. Got be sharp!

- Joyce... - Our marriage is in a corner! I want to pull down the walls. I want us to be free with you!

- Kill it! - She is my friend! - Kill her! Kill your friend!

Do it for me! Go on, Gilbert, go on, go on, now!

- Joyce... - Oh, my darling! - I've cut my finger.

Coward! Yellow! You're yellow, Gilbert Chilvers!

- Joyce ... - A pathetic cringing nancy! Don't you touch me!

- Where are you going? - For a drink!

- I'll have a drink, then I'll be able to do it. - You won't! I should have married a man.

- Well, I promise! - Nancy!

Oh, Mr Wormold!

What are you doing sitting in the dark? Put the fire on!

- We've been asked to save power. - You are a model, Mr Wormold.

- Stop in tonight. - We must catch the killer.

The man who butchers the pigs.

- He doesn't have to be a butcher... - Who knows?

- What? ... - You've not been crying?

A hundred and fifty people. One hundred and fifty people.

It'll be in the papers, of course. They'll jump on it. "Leading lights in dinner fiasco."

Of course, practical socialism. That's what it's going to be like now.

What's yours is mine. Excuse me, while I help myself.

I'd have them bastinadoed. I'd flay them alive.

- What about some tinned salmon? - Tinned salmon?

Tinned salmon. I've got the North-Western area president of "The Prudential Building Society" coming. You don't offer Arthur Cunliffe tinned salmon.

"Civic Row Over the Paltry Fare".

- I've been trying to put me hands on a couple of chicken. People I've dealt with for years... - I'm not surprised! I'm not surprised at all.

God! What a nasty, piss-stained little country this is.

It's like this new Health Service. Do you realise that any little poorly pillock is now going to be able to knock on my door and say: "I am ill. Treat me." Anybody! Me!

I can put my hands on two turkeys in Bradford.

Two? Two?

We have got one hundred and fifty people coming, and Jesus isn't one of them!

Two turkeys in Bradford...

Five years of war and that's what it's come to: two turkeys in Bradford.

Well, do you want them or don't you? I've got them on the phone.

Look at him ... that foot fellow.

We're finished, you and me, Lockwood. That's what's coming to the top: the scum.

- No class, ... no breeding, ... no morals ... - No pig.

I give this country 5 years.

- It smells at piano. - Well, they don't have as much money as we do.

They've got a pig.

- They're not the only ones. - I saw it.

- Walking about the house. - Don't tell stories, or you'll get a big nose.

- Bedtime! - Shall I kiss Daddy?

Please yourself.

I did see a pig! It was all stinky.

Veronica!

Joyce...

- I want to use the toilet. - You can't. Go somewhere else.

- Where ? - Anywhere!

Stay here!

Henry!

Henry!

Drink!

- Me? - My birthday this year.

No. I'm due back.

- Been round the farms? - Farms?

- You smell a bit rustic. - Pigs, I'd have said.

I've got to go to the toilet.

- How much do you want? - I beg your pardon?

You've got something ... we want.

Something ... that belongs to us.

Something ... with four legs.

And a little ... curly ... tail.

Shall we adjourn?

Hang on. I haven't been.

Don't move. I've got it cornered.

- Out of my way, nancy! - They're downstairs,

- Dr Swaby, Mr Lockwood... - Downstairs? I'm not dressed! - It's their pig. We stole their pig.

- Their pig? - We stole their pig. - We? You!

Betty! ... Who is this, then, Betty?

Betty...

- It was stashed. Whoever it belonged to, it was theft. - You're a professional man. You've got letters after your name!

- We were hungry. - Hungry? Nobody's hungry. Who's hungry? Who's your butcher?

I can't satisfy everybody.

She is in very good condition.

- Did she have a little bit of tummy upset? - Yes.

The important thing is: the property has been recovered. The status quo has been restored.

You are happy, the police are happy ...

- It's all been a big mistake. - Mistake? I want this man crucified!

- You crucify him, Wormold crucifies you... - He's got us by the scrotum.

- Did she take to you? I found her very affectionate. - Yes, yes, I did too.

Henry!

Now listen, you ... tapeworm! You've been caught out in a nasty cheap little crime.

I'd like to see you put away for a long time.

I'd like to see you drummed out of whatever miserable association you chiropodists belong to and I'd like to see you hounded out of this town with your tail between your legs.

However ... in Westminster Abbey,

tomorrow morning ... young couple are getting married of a purity and a nobility ... scum like you just can't comprehend.

As a gesture to them, we're going to say nothing about this, but take a tip from me:

leave this town ... We don't want you.

- Let's get the pig and get out of here! - We can't ... We're being watched.

Dr Swaby, Mr Lockwood, Mr Allardyce! Oh, and Inspector Noble! This is an unexpected pleasure.

I gather there's been some silly silly misunderstanding about this ... this animal.

Well, we're all civilised people and I'm sure we can talk it over.

Mother, give Dr Swaby a cocktail snack.

Mother...

Excuse me.

Come on in, mother!

Hand them around!

- 74 and never misses a trick. - No pig ... No pig.

I think little Veronica is going to startle us one of these days.

I'm going to throw caution to the winds and have a sweet sherry. Anybody else?

I went by train to Lytham two years ago, to see my sister-in-law.

- I travelled all by meself and I changed twice. - Dr Swaby's not interested in your holidays, mother.

Gilbert, I don't think we want that animal in here while we're having our cocktails, do we?

- Let's get the pig, and go! - We can't, Wormold's outside.

- I'll have to kill it here. - Here? - Now?

Slaughter it here? What a splendid idea!

We'd be only too pleased. All our facilities are at your disposal.

Bring Sutcliff, fetch Preston! I'm going to need lots of hot water.

Seven nines are sixty-three.

- We could ... - What?

- Let her go. - Yes!

- Where? - I don't know.

Just set around somewhere ... In a sty.

Not kill her ... just keep her.

They'd go mad.

- All right. - I've got a car ... Grab hold!

Come, Betty! Come, Betty! Betty! Come! Don't worry, Betty.

Silly twit.

- Oh, more sherry, Inspector? - Don't mind if I do.

- I wonder what he thinks we're doing? - Playing cards, it's a perfectly normal activity.

Bridge! Oh, why didn't I think of it?

- Do you play, doctor? - No.

The Royal wedding is exciting a great deal of interest.

- Do you mind if I ask you something? - Certainly. - Have you any history of ... mental illness?

There might be some noise. Put wireless on.

We don't need the wireless.

- Am I too late? - Come in.

Take his pinny.

I must say I am looking forward to the wedding.

I read in the paper they are going to spend the honeymoon in Broadlands.

Unfortunate name. Could be an institution.

Of course, it's what we do best, isn't it, pageantry?

Carriages passing the streets, the Household Cavalry. The bells ringing out. Oh, England! It's like a fairy tale.

Gangway!

The water hot?

With a bit more leisure I'd make black pudding. You got a razor?

I'm sorry.

Sorry? I thought you called yourself a medical man.

First requirement of a medical man is to have no feelings.

- I want a hand. We've got to get it upstairs. - All right. I'm dressed up. - I have a hernia. - Oh, my brother-in-law has a hernia.

What a charming man.

I teach the daughter piano. I think one day she's going to surprise us all.

So sensitive.

- Right, when I've seen to the carcass, I'm leaving. - I leave first. - I'm the one he's watching.

I leave first, but empty-handed, right? You can take the pig.

- We're not taking the pig! - Do you want the pig, or don't you? - Joyce, ...

- Can I go to the toilet? - Of course, mother. There's no need to ask.

Seventy-four ...

- Eleven elevens are ... - Go to the toilet, mother!

We'll wait 5 minutes. Get the pig ready!

Do you have a hat and coat?

Think yourself lucky, the pair of you! You've got off very lightly indeed.

But he was fond of her. You were fond of her, I can tell that.

And don't be too upset. We're as much in the wrong as you are.

If this got out we'd all be ruined.

Oh, really?

I think you'd better sit down. I think we've got some talking to do.

- Joyce ! - Shut up ! Sit down!

Pillock!

- Perhaps, you'd like a little sherry now? - Very well.

- Now you've found a way to our door, I do hope you'll come again. - Yes, I will.

- I'm bound to say, Mrs Chilvers, you've got up in my estimation. You've got more about you than your husband. - Oh!

Oh, incidentally, if you ever want your mother put in a home, I'm really on the board of several of them.

Oh, do you hear that, mother? Oh, how caring!

Well, I'll be on toe.

Right, Gilbert! ... I think sexual intercourse is in order.

And now they are man and wife.

For the people who have come from afar, the wedding for the family has become the wedding for entire British people.

Everyone gladly sharing ... - Are you busy? - No.

... as serving ... Are you any good at painting? common humanity which unites us all.

Should I start at the bottom? The bottom or the top?

Oh, I think it's perhaps better if you work your way up ... Maurice.

They wanted Elizabeth, they wanted Philip ... Seldom any bride and groom received such a tumultuous expression of good will.

Somebody at the door.

Take no notice. We're busy, aren't we?

The joy of princess and people ... ... for both the day has been an ordeal ... Frightening in its intensity yet unforgettable in it's splendour.

And now the tension was leaping...

As the great day draw to a ... - I love you, Mrs Forbes. - I wondered if you did.

- Will you marry me? - Possibly. Only I'm still waiting to hear from Kuala Lumpur.

Anyway we can cross that "t" when we get to it. ... and this British observance of public duty ...

... that is the tradition of which ... - Maurice? - Yes.

You'll have to be less keen on your job.

Shall I draw in the stocking tops? ... when so many have enjoyed in this peak of human experience ...

Don't be coarse, you ... Wipe your mouth. You've got it to stop.

It's a lovely hotel. The toilets are immaculate.

- They would put us right next door to the toilet. What are you doing, Gilbert? - Nothing, nothing.

Still, toilet or no toilet. In ten years time, that'll be us.

My Lord Mayor, the aldermen, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen.

And it is my great pleasure to propose to you now the toast in honor of the happy couple!

The happy couple!