Original subtitles

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Sorry, my name's Edward and I'm calling from Women's Health Plan I just wondered

whether you had a moment to talk to me today?

Well, what Women's Health is offering at the moment is a cheap and affordable

new health plan that will pay you £30,000 if you're diagnosed with one of

seven types of cancer. Now those seven types of cancer,

are cancers that specifically affect women, you've got breast,

ovaries, cervix, uterus...

You didn't hear any of that? Okay.

Maybe, maybe I'll try you again a bit later on in the week then. Okay...

Yeah, have a lovely afternoon Mrs. Painter, take care, bye-bye.

I do, yeah, have you got a pen and paper?

Yeah, it's 0800 624 623.

Brilliant, yeah, I'll pop that in the post for you today.

Thank you for calling us today, Miss Suresh

and welcome to Women's Health Plan.

Yeah, have a lovely day, bye-bye, bye.

COMEDIAN: But not to worry

'cause it wasn't cancer or chlamydia, it was just syphilis.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

And as I told my girlfriend, what you can't spell can't hurt you.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Um, you're probably thinking, madam, this couldn't go any lower

but don't worry I'm going to do it.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

I went to a funeral this week, incredibly upsetting,

no Wi-Fi.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

I'll see you guys soon thank you very much.

(CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Barnaby Slater!

We've got two more acts to get through, they're equally brilliant,

so will you all, everyone, start clapping, and whooping and cheering,

-and welcome to the stage the brilliant Mr. Ed Watkins. -(CROWD CHEERING)

-Good evening. -CROWD: Good evening!

My father is an orange Nazi.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

He told me that he likes the color,

that he loves the fruit, but that he hates the juice.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, that's fruit racism.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

That's a gateway racism, to the far more dark and terrifying racism

that people are facing out there on these streets every day and every night.

And I'll tell you something else that makes me sick.

Being a bulimic!

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Yeah. Um, which... Sorry which free guide was it you said?

The retirement guide, yep, no problem, two seconds.

They've all decided to come and sit here right now.

Songs are still untitled.

(PLAYING FUNKY SONG)

♪ Shirts and shorts and bouncing balls

♪ A man that races on a dinosaur

♪ Bus 25 night back east

♪ There a gaze you left It's my face of joy

♪ You're cool and you give good flow

♪ Bring you home, my dear I better commandeer

♪ Your sensuality makes sense

♪ Shake it, shake it Shake it, shake it, oh

♪ Shake it, shake it, oh Shake it, shake it, oh

♪ Shake it, shake it, oh

♪ You got a crazy flow and the feeling is high

♪ You gotta keep it till the broad daylight

♪ You got a crazy flow and the feeling is

♪ Hey, yeah, yeah

♪ You got a crazy flow and the feeling is high

♪ You gotta keep it till the broad daylight

♪ You got a crazy flow and the feeling is

♪ Hey, yeah

♪ You gotta let it go 'cause the feeling is high

♪ You gotta shake it up till the sun goes down

♪ You gotta let it go 'cause the feeling is high

♪ You gotta let it go Yeah, yeah... ♪

I actually brought those with me.

What?

I put them on the side, did you see?

I brought the lyrics with me.

-Oh, brilliant. -No, that's a good thing.

We didn't see them.

-Johnny Cash always did. -Did he?

-Yeah, he always had the lyrics with him. -Really?

Yeah, Johnny Cash always had them...

-You're a Johnny Cash fan aren't you? -So are you.

Yeah. You a big Johnny Cash fan?

-Of course. -Wonderful. Of course. Of course.

(PLAYING BALLAD)

(ELISA GIGGLING)

STEVEN: That was a nice move.

That was great.

-Thank you. -Really great.

-And beautiful. And special. -(GIGGLING)

And specialer now.

-ED: Good night, Steven. -Bye, then.

ED: It's been a long day and Elisa shoots for glory.

-And it's a miss. -ELISA: Oi!

(LAUGHING)

That's not out. Is it out?

(LAUGHING)

ED: Oh, dear...

-Tell me. -Did he say something?

-Yeah. -What did he say?

He said that he thought you were beautiful.

That's sweet.

And that you had an amazing voice.

-You seem to be smiling so you do like him. -I like him.

-But do you "like him," like him? -I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know? Why not?

There's another one, who's Spanish.

Spanish...

-You like Spanish? -Si.

He's called... Jose.

Oh! That's so... (LAUGHS) Jose.

-That's so what? It's true. -I don't know, he sounds so Spanish.

-He is. Jose! -Je, Jose.

-You're so sexy, Jose. -Oh, come on.

Oh, the pressure, you don't think that you can win me?

No, I either have a choice...

-So if you win, I go on a date with him? -Yes.

So actually it would be in my best interest to lose.

♪ When I was just a little boy

♪ I asked my mother, "What will I be?"

♪ "Will I be nothing?"

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

♪ "Will I be famous?"

Yes.

♪ Is what she said to me

♪ Que sera, sera

♪ Whatever you'll be, you'll be famous ♪

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Can I also ask at this point whether you've actually been diagnosed

with any cancers in the past?

(WHISPERING) Can you put those away? Not on the desk, mate.

No, that's quite all right. Yeah, no problem.

I'm so sorry to have disturbed you, Miss Dolus.

-Yep. -Bye for now, bye.

Sorry. Yeah, hello, Miss Rubaly.

STEVEN: I'm calling from Women's Health...

(LAUGHS)

Well you know not to do it, Ed...

Well, I'm calling today about a special offer Women's Health are doing for the New Year.

Can I first ask whether you currently have any medical insurance or health cover?

And also no family history is taken into account.

You could be a smoker, that's right.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hello, everybody, and welcome, welcome, welcome to part two.

-Are we well, boys and girls? -CROWD: Yes!

You've become very hot over there, madam. Aren't you there?

That's it. Yes, you wafting yourself there. I can see.

Is it because I'm on stage? (HUMMING SUGGESTIVELY)

COMPERE: Boys and girls, we are the number-one binge drinkers in Europe.

How do we feel about that?

(CROWD CHEERING)

Look at that. And I like this woman in particular,

cheering before the end of the sentence.

-A proper drunk lady, that's what I like. -I served in Iraq...

As a waiter.

COMPERE: I love drunk women, drunk women are fantastic, seriously.

I served in Iraq as a waiter, I was sent home after two years,

not for being shot, no, but for being fired.

Number one, the hoe. This does not refer to a whore!

(SCATTERED LAUGHING)

But rather a woman who takes money for sex...

While at the same time turning topsoil to allow the planting of vegetables

and smaller flowering bush or scrub plants.

Number two, the trowel, or its more common name, "dwarf spade."

Or if you are a dwarf, simply "spade."

Number three, the rake. No one, not even the most experienced gardeners

in the world can tell you what this tool is for.

But to be without one is to be an outcast, a pariah.

Gardeners found without a rake are often cruelly referred to as a non-gardener.

Number four, Strimmer, or St. Rimmer.

The patron saint of gardening.

Most people will know him by his gardener's moniker Alan Titchmarsh.

And finally, number five, green fingers or enthusiasm.

Without this you might as well be a person who prefers decking

or a nice patio, awkward pause!

(SCATTERED LAUGHING)

Has anybody else ever wondered why so many soldiers

upon returning home from foreign wars decide to become vets?

They must have witnessed some terrible animal atrocities whilst fighting overseas.

(SCATTERED LAUGHING)

I myself served in Iraq...

As a waiter.

I was sent home after two years.

Not for being shot, no, but for being fired.

(SILENCE)

COMPERE: That was interesting. Not funny. Um...

(LAUGHING) Sorry, was that a bit cruel?

So. What do you think, yeah? You enjoyed that, yeah?

(CROWD PROTESTING)

You're crying, are you? I'll give you a refund. So...

(CROWD LAUGHING)

No! Come on, people, it's good, it's good.

It was emotional. It was emotional was it?

Yes, you're a big gardener? Big gardening fan, are you?

Yeah, remembering that patio you had from many years ago.

That's good. Patio? Sorry, I meant to say allotment.

God, I'm shit as well.

So... Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, that was quite good wasn't it?

So, uh... Um... I don't know what to say, really, to be honest with you.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

You look horrified, madam. Come on!

You know, some people come on stage and then they talk about gardening and stuff,

other people tell jokes.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Come on, you were thinking it, mate. So...

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

I saw you tonight on the... At the...

(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLING)

-It was really bad, eh? -Huh?

Bad.

-No. -No, no... Yeah.

-No, no, yeah. -Oh, man.

It wasn't bad, I just, it was just strange. I'd say that, strange.

Strange isn't a complimentary word.

Like, you wouldn't go, "Hey, what a strange looking baby."

That wouldn't like a compliment, would it?

Fine it was awesome, it was brilliant.

-Who told you were funny? -Fuck you.

-(LAUGHING) No, that wasn't a... -Fuck you.

Not you.

I'm being supportive. I'm talking to you.

What's the name of the compere?

I don't know, I was only working there tonight.

-He had bad jokes. -He was just shit.

He was doing all that bloody, "Scream if you want to go..." That was him.

Doing his own bloody buildup.

"Hey, I'm doing my own buildup. I'm an incredible..."

Fuck off, bell-end.

I think you're much funnier on the bus.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, I'm much funnier on the bus.

Maybe I should just do my whole set on the bus.

What are you doing? What do you do, then?

I kinda paint... Badly.

And where can I see your paintings, your work?

Just in my studio.

You have a studio?

Or my flat... It's like a space.

-Are you rich? -No, no, no.

You wear very trendy clothes, don't you?

Do I?

I bet you're posh.

-What? -I think you're posh.

You're accusing me? Where are you from?

I'm asking you. Sheffield.

North.

-Where are you from? The bus? -This bus.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-Where? From London? Whereabouts? -South.

I live here. I know London. I know it a bit.

-How long have you lived here? -Twelve years.

It's kinda of long time. I'm from Wandsworth.

-So you're hard. You're a tough boy. -I'm hard.

How old are you?

Um... How old do you think that I am?

No, but you're really sensitive I don't want to offend you.

-Oh! -(BOTH CHUCKLING)

"I don't want to offend you because I'm the kind of person that

"wouldn't say that kind of thing, but your gig was shitty."

How old are you? How old are you?

Guess.

Forty... Twenty-two.

Twenty-one?

-Up, sorry, up. -Twenty-three, 24, 25, 20...

-Ah! -...Five?

I don't care if you think I look older or younger, though.

I don't, I don't. No, you look 25.

Good. It's good to look your age.

Unless you're 70.

-What's wrong with looking 70? -No, I'd rather be 70 and look 25.

-That would be... -Why would you want to do that?

I don't know, 'cause then you'd pull loads of hot people and be like, "Hey."

You want to pull loads of hot people? At 70?

Yes. Probably that's the time when I would most want to pull hot people.

I just want to hang out and have a belly and...

Being old must be fun.

NATHAN: I know, like, it's not really...

There's nothing much in it.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, you're really not posh.

That's, like, my little bathroom behind this black sheet here.

(CHUCKLING)

-I'm a bit gobsmacked. -Huh?

I'm a bit gobsmacked.

I think next time we can go to mine.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(PANTING)

(MOANING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(PANTING)

(MOANING)

ELISA: Did you get home late last night?

ED: Ah, not bad, no.

ELISA: I didn't hear you. I think I passed out really early, actually.

ED: Lazy. ELISA: Hmm...

ED: No it's good. ELISA: No, don't put it in the pan.

(PAN SIZZLING)

ED: What? It needs to melt. ELISA: No. Not yet.

(LAUGHING) It really looks disgusting, I'm sorry.

It didn't cook yet. You have to wait till it cooks, Elisa.

Like you threw up in the pan.

I'm sorry, it's kind of like... No?

It looks like a Spanish omelet to me.

I mean you or me. It looks terrible.

You don't have to eat it, but...

No, it actually looks all right. I will eat it.

Oh, yeah. It looks disgusting.

-I will eat it. -(LAUGHS)

(STOMACH RUMBLING)

(LAUGHING) My stomach's still rumbling.

-Look, there's ladybirds. -Yeah.

Good luck, isn't it?

Yeah, they're so sexist, those.

What? They're what?

-'Cause they're ladybirds. -Oh, yeah...

(CHUCKLES)

ELISA: (CLEARS THROAT) That line...

ED: You're breaking your heart.

-(PLAYING BALLAD) -♪ I'm breaking your heart I'm not good enough

♪ I'm breaking your heart, it's true

I think it's a bit spelling it out.

♪ Don't know what to do

♪ I just, I just

♪ Don't want to lose you

♪ You mean the world You mean the world

♪ I'm nothing without you

♪ Don't know what to do

♪ I just, I just

♪ Don't want to lose you

♪ You mean the world

♪ You mean the world

♪ I'm nothing without you

♪ You are made of fire

♪ You are made of fire

(CHUCKLES)

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

I don't know.

And, I want to see, I want to run this script through with you guys.

See if there's anything that you, that you think is going wrong with it.

-Because... -Okay.

We're not getting the sales that we anticipated on this at the minute.

-Let's have a go. -STEVEN: Shall I try it?

-Shall we try it? -JAMIE: Yeah, yeah, do.

Go for it.

-Good afternoon is that Mrs. Ed? -Yeah, um, yes.

Yep, this is... My name's Edward.

Hello, Mrs. Ed, my name's Steve.

-Hello, Steve. -I'm calling from Women's Health Plan.

-Do you have a moment? -I do. Yes, I've got several.

Splendid, well, okay, what Women's Health is offering at the moment is a cheap and

affordable new health plan that pays out £30,000 if you're diagnosed

with one of seven types of cancer...

Oh, with cancer...

I do just need to ask at this point whether you have been diagnosed

-with any cancers in the past? -I haven't.

That... Well, then it sounds to me like you could be very eligible for this.

And Women's Health Plan are also giving out a free gift...

-Yeah. -...as part of our New Year offer...

ED: What is the free gift?

The choice is, you can have £10 worth of supermarket vouchers.

Right...

Or, you could have two "I Heart Me" T-shirts.

Or you could choose our mystery gift...

Wait, no, yeah, what? The second one?

-The second one was... -JAMIE: Guys, come on.

-Two "I Heart Me" T-shirts. -(BOTH CHUCKLING)

JAMIE: You gotta be serious about this.

Just don't mess about, yeah?

ED: Maybe we should push the free gift.

'Cause that was really working this time...

-No, not. No. -But that was...

-ED: What should we do... -Too much.

ED: ...if we do get someone who's really interested in the free gift?

What should you do then?

What do you about that, then?

JAMIE: That's fine. If they're interested in the free gift that's great.

But that's, it's unlikely that people are going to be interested in the free gift

when they're about to take out cancer insurance.

-Right... -STEVE: Yeah...

Another point is, avoid saying... Don't say...

-Cancer. -I'm... Just from...

Ed, you're being, you're being difficult and I don't quite understand why.

I'm not being difficult.

Ed, well you're not doing very well at the moment and part of moving you

to this campaign was so that you can have a fresh start and

-try and do a bit better. -Well, great, that's what I'm here to do.

JAMIE: Well, well, good, well, if you can take it, if you can take seriously then...

Well, I just find your tone with me incredibly patronizing, Jamie.

-Sorry, sorry, Ed, I'm your boss. So... -Right.

And I'm teaching you some new material.

You don't do it to anybody else.

Because nobody else, Ed, is being...

Is, is, trying to undermine me the way you are,

trying to pick out little funny details about the script.

I'm just trying to, like, lighten the mood a bit, like,

it's just a bit boring being here all the time.

-Well, Ed, this is your job. -Yeah, I know!

And I'm sorry if it's not fulfilling your dreams in life, you've got to come in

and you've just got to do it. You've got to lump it.

It's not going to be all fun and games all the time.

Now I'm not, I'm not a stickler, I don't mind a bit of banter.

But you coming in and just being disruptive is not on.

And I won't have it.

Obviously, what we'll do is give you financial assistance at a time when your energy

needs to be focused on getting your treatment and getting better.

Uh, obviously the other benefit of the Women's Health Plan

is that you don't have to do medical examinations, so there's no

awkward health questions.

That is ridiculous.

Are you gonna do it back?

Is that tip...

Tap...

What's that?

Did I do that?

Go away.

Go away!

You have a lot of scars, Nathan.

Why do you have those?

If you ask me again, I'm gonna get out of the bath.

(ED SIGHS)

Hey... It's okay.

Hey. Come here.

Come here. Come here.

-STEVEN: Lovely to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

Hey, sorry I'm late. (SNIFFS)

You okay?

STEVEN: Well, we heard how tall you were.

Huh?

-I told them you were tall. -Cool.

I told them you were tall.

STEVEN: You are tall. NATHAN: I'm standing on the step.

(STEVEN LAUGHS)

-Shall we go in? -STEVEN: Okay, let's do it.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

STEVEN: Eat the lemon, eat the lemon.

(WHOOPING)

They're like this all the time.

(INAUDIBLE)

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

-Go in? -You go in, I'm gonna smoke.

(INAUDIBLE)

(BANGING)

Fuck off!

(EXHALES)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

It's a great offer. It's a fantastic offer.

-WOMAN ON TV: It's a lot of money, that. -It is a lot of money.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(DOOR SLAMS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

ED: Why are you not talking to me? What's happening?

ELISA: I don't want to talk to you.

ED: Why are you slamming all the doors?

Honestly, fuck off, Ed.

You just left me there with this guy you met a few days ago

-who was on the verge of tears. -Come on, how old are you?

I mean, bloody hell, like, it's not like, I didn't...

Steve was drunk out of his mind.

Nathan was crying because you stood him up...

Yeah, but there's something else going on.

You can't be pissed off just 'cause I went home.

-(LAUGHING) You can't just leave without saying anything. -Well, I did.

But I mean, I'm a 32-year-old man. I can go if I want to.

"I'm a 32-year-old man, I can go whenever I want

"and just not even fucking tell my friends."

I can, I'm allowed...

Who are waiting in the street, we were waiting...

If I'm pissed off with Nathan, I'm allowed to go if I want to.

Yeah, but you can at least tell me.

3:00 in the morning, what am I supposed to do with these guys?

Yeah, but something else is... This isn't to do with that, what's really going on?

-Why are you really upset? -I'm upset because you... (LAUGHS)

You don't come home and go, "Oh, my God, I slam the door and cry,"

-because I went home early. I mean, what the fuck? -(LAUGHING)

What's really going on?

-What? -Nothing.

I like this. Where's this from?

That?

Sweets. You wanna borrow it? (LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

What?

Nothing. I was just imagining if we were going out.

-(LAUGHS) -What? Me and you?

-Mmm-hmm. -You'd be mad at me a lot.

(LAUGHING) Yeah. Definitely.

Mmm-hmm.

(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

You still mad at me?

-No. -No?

(STAMMERING) Well, we can set up a...

A... Sorry.

We can do a bank transfer from a...

All I need is just some of your details, um, from...

Do you have a checkbook?

You don't. It's in your... In your husband's name, is it?

Is your husband in at the moment? Is he...

STEVEN: I love your work.

STEVEN: I'm sorry. No thank you, thank you.

Okay.

Yep, no problem. We'll try you again later on in the week.

Okay, take care, bye-bye.

Man, it's not... It's not for me to probe into what's going on with you,

but obviously it is affecting what you're doing.

Your sales aren't up to scratch and it does seem

like you've been struggling recently.

-And I need to know whether you think... -What?

I need to know whether you think you can get a hold of that,

really, and kind of... And pull it back, because...

Yeah, I'm fine.

I don't really understand what the problem is?

I've got to... I mean I've got to say as your manager, Ed,

that you do sound negative to me.

I mean, listening in on those calls,

you sound downbeat. You only have to...

Listen around you to other colleagues and they're...

What? Having a great time?

It's not about having a great time.

It's just about bringing a level of professionalism to it.

Okay, I'll be super happy.

I'll come in and I'll sing to the people, I'll be like,

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Pyke, I'm having a wonderful day!"

-No, no, no. -Well, what do you want me to say, Jamie?

(STAMMERING) I don't mind people having off days.

People have off days, that's fine.

But when it's continuous and it's affecting performance

in the way that it is with you, then it does become an issue.

And if it persists...

Obviously we would have to think about...

About terminating your employment, because...

Because we're here representing Women's Health Plan,

that's not the representation that they want.

We work with people, we need...

We need people that can, are capable of coming in and being positive

and being professional on the phone.

STEVEN: They come in standard size, which I've been told is a medium.

Okay.

STEVEN: And they come in a pack of two.

I'm just gonna go to the toilet.

JAMIE: That's fine. Yeah, no, take a few minutes and, uh...

And then crack on.

STEVEN: The other one is a mystery gift.

Well, the mystery gift is... It is genuinely a mystery.

Even I don't know what the mystery gift is.

My understanding is that it would be another gift of equivalent value,

which would be, obviously, in the £10 mark.

See you later, Steve.

JAMIE: You needn't come back, Ed.

-Steve will pick up your things. -Brilliant.

COMPERE: Drank all the wine, lovely party, I loved shagging the vicar.

But it's been fun. I think it's time to go, isn't it?

Yeah. Thanks. I'm going to get drunk.

(CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

"I just came to say sorry."

Did you bring anything?

No, you're not that sorry, are you?

Why did you leave? What, were you upset? Did I do something?

Were you jealous? Like...

-Yeah I was a bit jealous. -Of what?

Of everyone leaving me on my own.

-I know it's immature, I know it is. -You're such a fucking idiot.

(MOCKING) "I got left on my own, I...

"You went to the front of the stage, Nathan,

"with these people, you left me with these people. You're all right."

Left alone? Like, I don't understand.

I didn't know anyone there, you knew three people, I didn't know anyone.

Yeah, look, I'm not... I'm saying that you're right.

I just was upset. I don't know why.

-Just reason, just upset and so you just left me. -I'd had a lot to drink. Yeah.

You're really indulgent, you're really, like, self-obsessed

and you haven't really thought about anybody else.

"I don't want to stand at the back of the club

"so I'm gonna get annoyed with you because you left me,

"not because you want to have fun at the front

"or because you want to make the best of this, but I'm upset.

"This is about me. Ed."

-It's shit. Oh, fucking hell! -You're right, you're right.

-Well, you are, you're right. -I'm gonna like...

Well, what do you want me to say, Nathan?

That's exactly right.

Well then, like, I don't know, I don't know what I want you to say.

I feel so ashamed that I'm jealous.

I feel so ashamed of it.

I feel so ashamed that I left you in the thing with my friends

and I had to go and behave like a two-year-old round the corner.

(SHUDDERING)

-Oh! -You didn't have to come with me.

You can stay if you want, like I just wanted to go.

ED: Selfish. ♪ I'm so selfish ♪

(GRUNTS PLAYFULLY)

-Sorry, did I hurt you? -Yeah, a bit like.

ED: Sorry, sorry.

-Sorry. -That's better.

ELISA: Oh, now look. Two minutes.

ED: Dos minutos.

ELISA: Three minutes.

I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, I'm just asking.

GIRL 1: Because, because...

Oh, don't be angry, I'm asking.

-Well, what do you mean, yeah, but look now... -GIRL 2: I know...

NATHAN: I just...

ED: Well, you did, so now you should say sorry.

I am sorry, I don't, I don't want her to feel like...

No, I am. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable...

I'm sorry if I said anything that makes you feel uncomfortable because...

"I feel weird about it."

-ELISA: Ed is my friend. -Why do you feel weird about it?

If there's nothing going on, why would you feel weird?

ED: I don't feel weird about it, you do.

NATHAN: Well, of course I do feel weird about it, like, it is strange...

-It's strange that... -ED: Brilliant.

NATHAN: You have a friend that feels that way.

ED: I know, but I'm really sorry.

GIRL 2: So which one is, uh,

the boyfriend of the lovely lady?

Uh, no, she's my flatmate.

Are you two together?

(NATHAN GROANS)

GIRL 2: Was that a yes?

Um, yeah we are.

(GIRL 2 CHUCKLES)

GIRL 3: Was it since when you were born or something, or was it like just decided?

GIRL 1: You can't be born gay. That's bullshit. GIRL 2: Yeah see, it...

No one was born gay.

God didn't make you gay.

GIRL 3: It's just like, you can just decide, innit?

Just like, "Oh, actually, I've tried a bit of that."

(CHUCKLING ) Just dabble in the pool.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

-GIRL 2: Does it feel good, guys? -That's a no.

ELISA: Why are you asking, honestly?

-What's... -Elisa. Does it matter?

-GIRL 1: We're just curious. -Yeah.

Even black people fucking turning gay now.

-It's not good. -What's not good?

GIRL 1: Which one of you gives and which one takes?

GIRL 2: It's a bit of a disgrace.

(GROANS) Why do you have to be so personal, Martha?

-GIRL 2: Like, black people aren't gay. -I am gay.

-GIRL 1: One of them will take and one of them will give. -I am gay.

-GIRL 2: He's the bitch. -What the fuck, I'm not...

GIRL 1: And the pretty boy is the taker, I reckon.

-Shut the fuck up. -Oh...

-GIRL 2: Are you African or Jamaican? -Why does it matter?

Just wondering, which beatings you would've had more?

-Shut up. -(GIRLS LAUGHING)

-Was it the stick or belt? -Why? What are you? What are you?

I'm Jamaican.

And I know you would have got beaten with a belt

if you ever said anything about being gay.

Where did you read anal sex is the way forward?

-Shut up. Shut up. -Where did you read that makes fucking babies?

It doesn't. It makes fucking AIDS, yeah, it makes fucking AIDS.

NATHAN: Shut up.

There's people in fucking Africa dying because...

NATHAN: What do you know about Africa?

-People in fucking Africa... -What do you know about Africa?

I know enough, okay. I know enough.

-I know enough. -NATHAN: Have you ever been?

-I don't need to go. -Have you ever been? Have you ever been to Jamaica?

Yes, I have fucking been to Jamaica.

-When? -I go all the fucking time.

Fuck off. You're a child with tired cusses, so move on.

-Jog on. -It's all right.

-I know I'm hitting the spots right now. -You're not hitting any.

Not as good as your boyfriend is.

You both look like children to me.

-Of course they are. -No, you are, too.

Why don't you make it about sex?

Why don't you just leave it alone?

You've got nothing to prove.

-Because she's like, here. -GIRL 1: Listen to your boyfriend.

GIRL 2: Do you get used to it after a while? Is it like virginity?

Oh, come on... Shut up.

ELISA: Ever been fucked up the ass? You don't what it feels like?

GIRL 2: No, I don't, my ass is not...

ELISA: Well you should try it 'cause it feels pretty good.

GIRL 2: No, I don't... NATHAN: It feels great.

ELISA: You're way too young to have had anal sex, bitch.

GIRL 2: Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay!

-Miss Whore over there, yeah. -What?

ELISA: Can you fucking sit down? Just sit down.

-Why are you fucking... -Don't point at her.

Take your hand out of my face.

GIRL 1: Pretty girl should turn around, actually. Why is she getting involved?

-NATHAN: Dickhead with a fake tan. -Oh, dickhead, who? What?

GIRL 1: Dickhead? Sorry?

Are you talking to your little boyfriend over there?

-NATHAN: Don't fucking touch me. -Hey!

-What? What? -Don't you fucking touch me.

(ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

GIRL 2: What? I don't fucking care, bruv!

Oh!

(ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

GIRL 2: Do you wanna die tonight?

NATHAN: Do it fucking now, then.

GIRL 2: I'll making fucking calls, innit.

I don't like getting my hands dirty, unlike you.

NATHAN: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Fucking putting your hands in places they shouldn't be,

dirty fucking gay bastard.

NATHAN: Ed, can we go back to mine, please?

Yeah, but...

Then just come back with me, I don't see what the issue is.

(VOICE BREAKING) I don't understand why it's so easy

for you to say that. I don't...

Because there's no issue.

Why is it so simple for you?

We were getting on fine, I don't really understand what's changed.

Why suddenly tonight on the bus

it's suddenly become a huge issue that we're really close friends?

It's because she loves you.

She loves you so therefore it's a bit different.

It's like slightly different than you've just been friends.

The only difference is that you know, that you've heard about it.

It doesn't make any difference.

Oh, so if it's a secret, it's fine.

No... Well, yeah, obviously, it should have been...

It would have been better... I wish it still was.

Has anything happened?

-No, not really. I mean, we just... -"Not really"?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Well, yeah, nothing's happened. I... We just...

Nothing's happened. Nothing has happened.

No, because it will just make things worse.

-You're lying. -No. Nothing has happened.

I don't believe you.

Okay, fine, I'll come back to yours tonight, but I need to know when...

What happens after that?

Do I then have to not see Elisa ever again?

No, I'm not saying that. I just want you... I'm not saying that.

What are you saying then?

I don't know, I just need you tonight.

Just come back with me now

and we can just go home and it will be fine, Nathan.

Just come back, it's two minutes down the bloody road.

-No. No! -Please, please, please, please.

-No. -Please, just come back, please just come back.

Why? Why do you need this?

Because it's so easy, I don't want to go on the bus for 28 minutes

bloody hours whatever it is, I just wanna go home,

I'm really freakin' tired.

Let's go home.

It's not my home. It's not my home.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I know it's not your home, but I just need, uh...

NATHAN: I can't get you, It's like you're empty and you're not

so I'm like who gets it? Who gets this? Who gets it? Fight! Fight!

Argh! Fucking hell, man.

Do something, do something,

be someone. Look, you can't even fight back.

-(CHUCKLING) -You gonna hit me?

No, I'm not going to hit you, Nathan.

-Why not? -'Cause I don't want to.

-Why? 'Cause it scares you? -No, it doesn't scare me.

I just have no physical anger towards you...

Desires of anything? Of any kind?

Not at the moment, no, I just want to go home.

Go to bed. I want to turn the light out.

Then go home. Go home.

-Why don't you go home? -No, you can go home.

I'm not going home, I'm not gonna go home till you go home.

-Go home. -(CLEARS THROAT) No.

I'll wait here till you've gone home.

It's like you can't make a decision.

You can't do anything on your own for yourself.

You wanna go home then go home, go. Go, go, go, go...

Go. Go home. Go home. Go home if you're...

If you're so tired, if you're so fed up.

-Go home. Go! -No...

Ed, fuck off if you're gonna fuck off.

Go, if you're gonna go, go.

(SNIFFLING)

ED: Elisa. What are you doin'?

I'm playing with a ladybird.

(ED CLEARS THROAT)

What did, did Nathan upset you when he said...

It didn't upset me, I was just, like...

(CHUCKLING)

(SNIFFLING)

I was just a bit embarrassed, I mean, I don't...

(SNIFFLING)

I don't even know how

we started to talk about that. I don't know, I don't even know.

It's okay though 'cause I'm, you know, I'm not gonna see him...

(CLEARS THROAT) Anymore so it's okay.

It's done.

But I'm sorry about that, I mean it's, that's...

That's besides my point, anyway.

I don't know, Ed, I have no idea, to be honest.

About what?

(ELISA SIGHING)

Basically...

I think...

I need...

To be alone a bit and...

That means...

That maybe...

It just, maybe it would be better if you go, I don't know.

I think...

(SNIFFLING)

You should go soon.

(SNIFFLING)

I just want...

(ELISA SNIFFLING)

I just wanna have something real, Ed, I really do.

(SNIFFLING)

(SIGHING)

(ED CLEARS THROAT)

Elisa...

Come here.

Come here.

Elisa, come here.

That's exactly what I shouldn't do, you see.

(SNIFFLING)

I'm gonna go. (CLEARS THROAT) Okay?

(SNIFFLING)

(SOBBING)

(CONTINUES SOBBING)

(WHIMPERING)

-Big news. -Go on, what is it?

-What, your star sign? -No. No.

This is the, your, your Independent, no less.

"I have lived in Sheffield for just over 22 years. In this time..."

This is in a national paper.

"I have seen the number of sparrows first decline in the 1990s,

"then steadily increase to their current high."

CAOLAN: Just pause, let him, let him settle that information. Just you know...

"This winter we have even seen...

"Even have what seems to be a small

"breakaway flock of four visiting our very wildlife-friendly garden.

"Incidentally, local ecology researchers refer to Sheffield as a mosaic wetland."

-MOTHER: Because it rains all the time. -"We have more trees

"than all the London parks put together." I bet you didn't know that.

We have more trees than all the London parks put together. There you go.

CAOLAN: They should have that on the motorway shouldn't they?

-"Welcome to Sheffield, a mosaic wetland." -That's the news.

-(ED LAUGHING) -A mosaic wetland. That's it.

-That's part of the mosaic... -So that's the big news.

That's the big news. Part of the mosaic wetland, right out that very back.

So, are you still at the call center?

No.

MOTHER: Did you sort out your benefits since I saw you?

CAOLAN: Five weeks and all that...

The problem is I'm changing me address as well so housing benefit will have to...

MOTHER: Ah, yeah, that's going to be awkward, isn't it?

-Go through it again. -CAOLAN: You'll be off for a few weeks.

It'll be a right pain in me bloody bum.

MOTHER: Does anyone want any more bread or anything?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION ON TV)

FATHER: Turn it up a wee bit, Caolan.

Now, he's justifying himself now.

He's justifying himself. Not a risk taker.

(CHEERING ON TV)

(MOTHER AND FATHER CONVERSING INDISTINCTLY)

(TUB DRAINING)

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

ALL: Cheers.

(LAUGHING)

MOTHER: Go on then, tell us a joke.

FATHER: Tell us a joke from your act, go on, go, on. Go on. Go on.

Go on, go on.

Um... My best friend told me that he sees dead people.

It's not that weird, though, he's a mortician.

(ALL LAUGHING)

FATHER: That's good.

MOTHER: Like it?

-Yeah, it's very nice, yeah. -Good.

FATHER: It's great. Smoked salmon, I haven't had smoked salmon for ages.

-Ah, yeah... -Stop it.

Can I take your bowl?

FATHER: He's making rules... ED: (LAUGHING) I'm not! Shut up.

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

MOTHER: Well, I don't want a plastic carton on the table.

FATHER: Go on.

CAOLAN: I might just cook my steak for a bit longer.

-It's too rare for me. -MOTHER: This is, this is well...

It's well done. It's well done.

CAOLAN: It's not, look! Look at that. What's that?

FATHER: It's lovely.

CABBIE: Are you all right, man?

Yeah.

CABBIE: Heavy night?

Hmm...

Yeah, it was just a funny one.

CABBIE: "Funny"?

ED: Yeah.

CABBIE: So where are you coming from?

Uh, I've just come home from... I was in, I was...

I've been in Sheffield this morning so...

-Sheffield? -Yeah, just come back on the train.

CABBIE: Is that where your family is? Is that where you come from?

ED: Yeah, I've just been back to my mom and dad's house.

CABBIE: Ah, okay.

Are your parents here?

-CABBIE: My parents? -Yeah.

CABBIE: No, my parents live in, uh... They live in Zimbabwe.

ED: Is that where you were born?

CABBIE: No, I was born in America. Born in America and...

ED: Oh.

I'd like to go to New York.

CABBIE: New York? ED: Yeah, man.

Yeah, New York's a nice place. Nice city.

Is that where you lived?

Yeah, I used to live in, uh, Brooklyn.

-Really? -Yeah. Bed Stuy, have you heard of it?

-No, what's it called? -Bed Stuy.

-Bed Stuy? -Yeah.

CABBIE: Some people get a bit crazy there. ED: Hmm.

CABBIE: You know, people go crazy and they...

It's not like here, you know, where people,

they're controlling, you know, they don't, they don't...

They might be going a little bit mad or whatever but they don't say anything

you know, they just sit quiet, stare straight ahead, read the paper.

Whereas in New York sometimes, you know, you'll get people,

that will, uh... They go crazy man. Crazy, crazy.

What, and then they just talk?

No, well, no, they don't just talk.

Well, yeah sometimes they do just talk.

Sometimes you'll get like homeless people that are high or something like that,

they'll st... They won't just talk,

they'll start screaming, shouting, uh...

Maybe they've got something to say, I don't know.

Yeah, sometimes you think that, yeah maybe they have something to say.

I think that...

They're holding on to something that they need to say

and nobody's listening, you know?

Maybe that's what it is.

Yeah.

(ED CLEARS THROAT)

ED: So you will go back eventually?

CABBIE: I don't know, you know. I don't know.

ED: How did you get a visa, then? How did you, like, come to work here and...

CABBIE: Um...

I got married.

Oh, okay.

CABBIE: Married, uh, an old student friend of mine.

ED: A student friend?

CABBIE: Yeah, yeah, well, she wasn't really a friend, she was a...

I have, like, a close group of friends, and I kinda knew her and...

-Okay. -We kind of,

we started seeing each other when I came down to London,

and we just decided...

It was, it was a bit weird 'cause basically I was, you know, I was...

Visa thing, I was like, visa was gonna expire and...

ED: Oh, so it was a... You did as, to get a visa?

-Kind of, yeah. -But you're still together now.

Yeah, yeah, we're still together now, but it's not easy now because,

you know, it's...

'Cause it ain't true, you know? It's not what it should be.

Some of it's kinda false.

I think we were both trying to live a lie, we were kind of trying...

(CABBIE CHUCKLING)

Kind of trying to say, suggest to each other that we are doing it

for the right reasons so that we do end up together and all that, but...

Sounds like my parents.

Are they still together, though? That's...

Yeah, they're still together, yeah.

CABBIE: But you think they a hard time?

I know they did.

And the other thing is, they say that you choose your partners,

sometimes it happens by accident sometimes not, but...

Sometimes it's just right, you know, you won't realize it at the time, you just,

you discover it, it might be difficult at times. But you know...

But you know, that's the thing. I mean, ask your parents.

You know? I'm sure you always think that the choices you make are going to be bad.

Like something will turn out at some point to be a bad choice,

or feel like they might be a bad choice and then...

Other times they feel like the right choice, you can never be certain.

You just have to follow your gut, I think that's the only choice you can make.

To follow your gut or not.

But that sounds like you made a choice and then,

you know, there's other choices then,

you can then chose to not be together.

You can choose, that's another choice.

Why do you have to? You know, once you've made the choice,

you don't then have to just stay on the same...

I think that can lead to...

That just leads to p... You...

To be miserable that way.

Yeah, but...

Believe me, like you know, I've seen that.

I've lived in that.

CABBIE: Hmm.

Are you okay, man?

ED: Yeah, man, I'm just... (SIGHING)

I'm fed up.

CABBIE: Tired?

Yeah, fucking knackered, man, and I'm fed up.

CABBIE: Fed up with what?

ED: Everything, I'm just fed up with everything.

I don't want to be this person anymore.

I'm just fucking fed up with it.

It's doing my head in.

Fed up with not knowing what I'm doing half the time, you know?

CABBIE: Hmm.

Or all of the time. Most of the time.

CABBIE: That's all right though, isn't it?

No it's not all right, no, it's fucking a nightmare.

CABBIE: How old are you, man?

ED: Uh... I'm 32.

CABBIE: Thirty-two? (CHUCKLING) ED: Mmm-hmm.

CABBIE: You look a lot younger, man.

(CHUCKLING) I don't feel it. I feel older.

Like an old person.

CABBIE: But you know I feel older too.

I feel...

You know when you meet people that haven't gone through the same kind of experiences,

they're not really... Like they haven't really had much, life experience.

Right.

CABBIE: Kids, you know.

-Yeah. -They get older and older these days as well.

Older and older, younger and younger.

What the hell does that mean?

I don't know what it means, actually, but I kind of,

kind of know what it means, but I couldn't really explain it to you.

That's Bob Dylan,

beautiful, but nobody knows what the fuck it means.

That's poetry, my friend.

You know you're gonna be all right.

Yep.

(SENSUAL BALLAD PLAYING)